第86章

Ihavenojealousyofanyindividual。ItistheinfluenceofthefashionableworldaltogetherthatIamjealousof。

ItisthehabitsofwealththatIfear。Herideasarenothigherthanherownfortunemaywarrant，buttheyarebeyondwhatourincomesunitedcouldauthorise。

Thereiscomfort，however，evenhere。Icouldbetterbeartoloseherbecausenotrichenough，thanbecauseofmyprofession。Thatwouldonlyproveheraffectionnotequaltosacrifices，which，infact，Iamscarcelyjustifiedinasking；and，ifIamrefused，that，Ithink，willbethehonestmotive。Herprejudices，Itrust，arenotsostrongastheywere。Youhavemythoughtsexactlyastheyarise，mydearFanny；perhapstheyaresometimescontradictory，butitwillnotbealessfaithfulpictureofmymind。Havingoncebegun，itisapleasuretometotellyouallIfeel。Icannotgiveherup。

Connectedaswealreadyare，and，Ihope，aretobe，togiveupMaryCrawfordwouldbetogiveupthesocietyofsomeofthosemostdeartome；tobanishmyselffromtheveryhousesandfriendswhom，underanyotherdistress，Ishouldturntoforconsolation。ThelossofMaryImustconsiderascomprehendingthelossofCrawfordandofFanny。

Wereitadecidedthing，anactualrefusal，IhopeI

shouldknowhowtobearit，andhowtoendeavourtoweakenherholdonmyheart，andinthecourseofafewyears——

butIamwritingnonsense。WereIrefused，Imustbearit；

andtillIam，Icanneverceasetotryforher。

Thisisthetruth。Theonlyquestionis_how_？Whatmaybethelikeliestmeans？IhavesometimesthoughtofgoingtoLondonagainafterEaster，andsometimesresolvedondoingnothingtillshereturnstoMansfield。Evennow，shespeakswithpleasureofbeinginMansfieldinJune；

butJuneisatagreatdistance，andIbelieveIshallwritetoher。Ihavenearlydeterminedonexplainingmyselfbyletter。Tobeatanearlycertaintyisamaterialobject。Mypresentstateismiserablyirksome。

Consideringeverything，Ithinkaletterwillbedecidedlythebestmethodofexplanation。IshallbeabletowritemuchthatIcouldnotsay，andshallbegivinghertimeforreflectionbeforesheresolvesonheranswer，andIamlessafraidoftheresultofreflectionthanofanimmediatehastyimpulse；IthinkIam。

MygreatestdangerwouldlieinherconsultingMrs。Fraser，andIatadistanceunabletohelpmyowncause。

Aletterexposestoalltheevilofconsultation，andwherethemindisanythingshortofperfectdecision，anadvisermay，inanunluckymoment，leadittodowhatitmayafterwardsregret。Imustthinkthismatteroveralittle。Thislongletter，fullofmyownconcernsalone，willbeenoughtotireeventhefriendshipofaFanny。

ThelasttimeIsawCrawfordwasatMrs。Fraser’sparty。

IammoreandmoresatisfiedwithallthatIseeandhearofhim。Thereisnotashadowofwavering。Hethoroughlyknowshisownmind，andactsuptohisresolutions：

aninestimablequality。Icouldnotseehimandmyeldestsisterinthesameroomwithoutrecollectingwhatyouoncetoldme，andIacknowledgethattheydidnotmeetasfriends。Therewasmarkedcoolnessonherside。

Theyscarcelyspoke。Isawhimdrawbacksurprised，andIwassorrythatMrs。RushworthshouldresentanyformersupposedslighttoMissBertram。YouwillwishtohearmyopinionofM

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