第25章

RENEETOLOUISE

Mylittlegirlistwomonthsold。SheiscalledJeanne-Athenais，andhasforgodmotherandgodfathermymother，andanoldgrand-uncleofLouis’。

AssoonasIpossiblycan，IshallstartformyvisittoChantepleurs，sinceyouarenotafraidofanursingmother。Yourgodsoncansayyournamenow；hecallsit/Matoumer/，forhecan’tsay/c/properly。Youwillbequitedelightedwithhim。Hehasgotallhisteeth，andeatsmeatnowlikeabigboy；heisallovertheplace，trottingaboutlikealittlemouse；butIwatchhimallthetimewithanxiouseyes，anditmakesmemiserablethatIcannotkeephimbymewhenIamlaidup。Thetimeismorethanusuallylongwithme，asthedoctorsconsidersomespecialprecautionsnecessary。Alas!mychild，habitdoesnotinureonetochild-bearing。Therearethesameolddiscomfortsandmisgivings。However(don’tshowthistoFelipe)，thislittlegirltakesafterme，andshemayyetcutoutyourArmand。

MyfatherthoughtFelipelookingverythin，andmydearpetalsonotquitesoblooming。YettheDucandDuchessedeSoriahavegone；notaloopholeforjealousyisleft!Isthereanytroublewhichyouarehidingfromme？Yourletterisneithersolongnorsofulloflovingthoughtsasusual。Isthisonlyawhimofmydearwhimsicalfriend？

Iamrunningontoolong。Mynurseisangrywithmeforwriting，andMlle。Athenaisdel’Estoradewantsherdinner。Farewell，then；writemesomenicelongletters。

MME。DEMACUMERTOTHECOMTESSEDEL’ESTORADE

Forthefirsttimeinmylife，mydearRenee，Ihavebeenaloneandcrying。Iwassittingunderawillow，onawoodenbenchbythesideofthelongChantepleursmarsh。Theviewthereischarming，butitneedssomemerrychildrentocompleteit，andIwaitforyou。Ihavebeenmarriednearlythreeyears，andnochild!Thethoughtofyourquiverfulldrovemetoexploremyheart。

AndthisiswhatIfindthere。“Oh!ifIhadtosufferahundred-foldwhatReneesufferedwhenmygodsonwasborn；ifIhadtoseemychildinconvulsions，evensowouldtoGodthatImighthaveacherubofmyown，likeyourAthenais!“Icanseeherfromhereinmymind’seye，andIknowsheisbeautifulastheday，foryoutellmenothingabouther——thatisjustlikemyRenee!Ibelieveyoudivinemytrouble。

Eachtimemyhopesaredisappointed，Ifallapreyforsomedaystotheblackestmelancholy。ThenIcomposesadelegies。WhenshallI

embroiderlittlecapsandsewlaceedgingstoencircleatinyhead？

Whenchoosethecambricforthebaby-clothes？ShallIneverhearbabylipsshout“Mamma，“andhavemydresspulledbyateasingdespotwhommyheartadores？Aretheretobenowheelmarksofalittlecarriageonthegravel，nobrokentoyslitteredaboutthecourtyard？ShallInevervisitthetoy-shops，asmothersdo，tobuyswords，anddolls，andbaby-houses？Andwillitneverbeminetowatchtheunfoldingofapreciouslife——anotherFelipe，onlymoredear？Iwouldhaveason，ifonlytolearnhowalovercanbemoretooneinhissecondself。

Myparkandcastlearecoldanddesolatetome。Achildlesswomanisamonstrosityofnature；weexistonlytobemothers。Oh!mysageinwoman’slivery，howwellyouhaveconnedthebookoflife!Everywhere，too，barrennessisadismalthing。MylifeisalittletoomuchlikeoneofGessner’sorFlorian’ssheepfolds，whichRivarollongedtoseeinvadedbyawolf。Itoohaveitinmetomakesacrifices!Thereareforcesinme，Ifeel，whichFelipehasnousefor；andifIamnottobeamother，Imustbeallowedtoindulgemyselfinsomeromanticsorrow。

IhavejustmadethisremarktomybelatedMoor，anditbroughttearstohiseyes。Hecannotstandanyjokingonhislove，soIlethimoffeasily，andonlycalledhimapaladinoffolly。

AttimesIamseizedwithadesiretogoonpilgrimage，tobearmylongingstotheshrineofsomemadonnaortoawatering-place。NextwinterIshalltakemedicaladvice。Iamtoomuchenragedwithmyselftowritemore。Good-bye。

Awholeyearpassed，mydear，withoutaletter!Whatdoesthismean？I

amalittlehurt。DoyousupposethatyourLouis，whocomestoseemealmosteveryalternateday，makesupforyou？Itisnotenoughtoknowthatyouarewellandthateverythingprosperswithyou；forIloveyou，Renee，andIwanttoknowwhatyouarefeelingandthinkingof，justasIsayeverythingtoyou，attheriskofbeingscolded，orcensured，ormisunderstood。Yoursilenceandseclusioninthecountry，atthetimewhenyoumightbeinParisenjoyingalltheParliamentaryhonorsoftheComtedel’Estorade，causemeseriousanxiety。Youknowthatyourhusband’s“giftofg

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