第15章

“Ifyouwalkalongtheboulevard，Ishallhearyourstep；andwhenI

wanttoseeyou，Iwillopenmywindow。ButIwouldnotrunsuchariskunlesssomeemergencyarose。Whyhaveyouforcedmebyyourrashacttocommitanother，andonewhichmaylowermeinyoureyes？“

ThetearswhichIsawinhiseyesweretomethemosteloquentofanswers。

“WhatIhavedoneto-night，“Iwentonwithasmile，“mustseemtoyoutheheightofmadness……“

Afterwehadwalkedupanddowninsilencemorethanonce，herecoveredcomposureenoughtosay：

“Youmustthinkmeafool；and，indeed，thedeliriumofmyjoyhasrobbedmeofbothnerveandwits。Butofthisatleastbeassured，whateveryoudoissacredinmyeyesfromtheveryfactthatitseemedrighttoyou。IhonoryouasIhonoronlyGodbesides。Andthen，MissGriffithishere。“

“Sheishereforthesakeoftheothers，notforus，“Iputinhastily。

Mydear，heunderstoodmeatonce。

“Iknowverywell，“hesaid，withthehumblestglanceatme，“thatwhethersheisthereornotmakesnodifference。Unseenofmen，wearestillinthepresenceofGod，andourownesteemisnotlessimportanttousthanthatoftheworld。“

“Thankyou，Felipe，“Isaid，holdingoutmyhandtohimwithagesturewhichyououghttosee。“Awoman，andIamnothing，ifnotawoman，isontheroadtolovingthemanwhounderstandsher。Oh!onlyontheroad，“Iwenton，withafingeronmylips。“Don’tletyourhopescarryyoubeyondwhatIsay。Myheartwillbelongonlytothemanwhocanreaditandknowitseveryturn。Ourviews，withoutbeingabsolutelyidentical，mustbethesameintheirbreadthandelevation。

Ihavenowishtoexaggeratemyownmerits；doubtlesswhatseemvirtuesinmyeyeshavetheircorrespondingdefects。AllIcansayis，Ishouldbeheartbrokenwithoutthem。“

“Havingfirstacceptedmeasyourservant，younowpermitmetoloveyou，“hesaid，tremblingandlookinginmyfaceateachword。“Myfirstprayerhasbeenmorethananswered。“

“But，“Ihastenedtoreply，“yourpositionseemstomeabetteronethanmine。Ishouldnotobjecttochangeplaces，andthischangeitlieswithyoutobringabout。“

“Inmyturn，Ithankyou，“hereplied。“Iknowthedutiesofafaithfullover。ItisminetoprovethatIamworthyofyou；thetrialsshallbeaslongasyouchoosetomakethem。IfIbelieyourhopes，youhaveonly——God!thatIshouldsayit——torejectme。“

“Iknowthatyouloveme，“Ireplied。“/Sofar/，“withacruelemphasisonthewords，“youstandfirstinmyregard。Otherwiseyouwouldnotbehere。“

Thenwebegantowalkupanddownaswetalked，andImustsaythatsosoonasmySpaniardhadrecoveredhimselfheputforththegenuineeloquenceoftheheart。Itwasnotpassionitbreathed，butamarveloustendernessoffeelingwhichhebeautifullycomparedtothedivinelove。Histhrillingvoice，whichlentanaddedcharmtothoughts，inthemselvessoexquisite，remindedmeofthenightingale’snote。Hespokelow，usingonlythemiddletonesofafineinstrument，andwordsfloweduponwordswiththerushofatorrent。Itwastheoverflowoftheheart。

“Nomore，“Isaid，“orIshallnotbeabletotearmyselfaway。“

AndwithagestureIdismissedhim。

“Youhavecommittedyourselfnow，mademoiselle，“saidGriffith。

“InEnglandthatmightbeso，butnotinFrance，“Irepliedwithnonchalance。“Iintendtomakealovematch，andamfeelingmyway——

thatisall。“

Yousee，dear，aslovedidnotcometome，IhadtodoasMahometdidwiththemountain。

Friday。

OncemoreIhaveseenmyslave。Hehasbecomeverytimid，andputsonanairofpiousdevotion，whichIlike，foritseemstosaythathefeelsmypowerandfascinationineveryfibre。ButnothinginhislookormannercanrouseinthesesocietysibylsanysuspicionoftheboundlesslovewhichIsee。Don’tsupposethough，dear，thatIamcarriedaway，mastered，tamed；onthecontrary，thetaming，mastering，andcarryingawayareonmyside……

Inshort，Iamquitecapableofreason。Oh!tofeelagaintheterrorofthatfascinationinwhichIwasheldbytheschoolmaster，theplebeian，themanIkeptatadistance!

Thefactisthatloveisoftwokinds——onewhichcommands，andonewhichobeys。Thetwoarequitedistinct，andthepassiontowhichtheonegivesriseisnotthepassionoftheother。Togetherfulloflife，perhapsawomanoughttohaveexperienceofboth。Canthetwopassionseverco-exist？Canthemaninwhomweinspireloveinspireitinus？WillthedayevercomewhenFelipeismymaster？ShallI

tremblethen，ashedoesnow？Thesearequestionswhichmakemeshudder。

Heisveryblind!InhisplaceIshouldhavethoughtMlle。deChaulieu，meetingmeunderthelimes，acold，calculatingcoquette，withstarchedmanners。No，thatisnotlove，itisplayingwithfire。

IamstillfondofFelipe，butIamcalmandatmyeasewithhimnow。

Nomoreobstacles!Whataterriblethought!Itisallebb-tidewithin，andIfeartoquestionmyheart。Hismistakewasinconcealingtheardorofhislove；heoughttohaveforcedmyself-control。

Inaword，Iwasnaughty，andIhavenotgottherewardsuchnaughtinessbrings。No，dear，howeversweetthememoryofthathalf-

hourbeneaththetrees，itisnothingliketheexcitementoftheoldtimewithits：“ShallIgo？ShallInotgo？ShallIwritetohim？

ShallInotwrite？“

Isitthuswithallourpleasures？Issuspensealwaysbetterthanenjoyment？Hopethanfruition？Isittherichwhoinverytrutharethepoor？Havewenotbothperhapsexaggeratedfeelingbygivingtoimaginationtoofreearein？Therearetimeswhenthisthoughtfreezesme。ShallItellyouwhy？BecauseIammeditatinganothervisittothebottomofthegarden——withoutGriffith。HowfarcouldIgointhisdirection？Imaginationknowsnolimit，butitisnotsowithpleasure。

Tellme，dearbe-furbelowedprofessor，howcanonereconcilethetwogoalsofawoman’sexistence？

Iamnotpleasedwithyou。IfyoudidnotcryoverRacine’s/Berenice/，andfeelittobethemostterribleoftragedies，thereisnokinshipinoursouls；weshallnevergetontogether，andhadbetterbreakoffatonce。Letusmeetnomore。Forgetme；forifIdonothaveasatisfactoryreply，Ishallforgetyou。YouwillbecomeM。

leBarondeMacumerforme，orratheryouwillceasetobeatall。

YesterdayatMme。d’Espard’syouhadaself-satisfiedairwhichdisgustedme。Nodoubt，apparently，aboutyourconquest!Insoberearnest，yourself-possessionalarmsme。Notatraceinyouofthehumbleslaveofyourfirstletter。Farfrombetrayingtheabsent-

mindednessofalover，youpolishedepigrams!Thisisnottheattitudeofatruebeliever，alwaysprostratebeforehisdivinity。

Ifyoudonotfeelmetobetheverybreathofyourlife，abeingnoblerthanotherwomen，andtobejudgedbyotherstandards，thenI

mustbelessthanawomaninyoursight。Youhaverousedinmeaspiritofmistrust，Felipe，anditsangrymutteringshavedrownedtheaccentsoftenderness。WhenIlookbackuponwhathaspassedbetweenus，IfeelintruththatIhavearighttobesuspicious。Forknow，PrimeMinisterofalltheSpains，thatIhavereflectedmuchonthedefencelessconditionofoursex。Myinnocencehasheldatorch，andmyfingersarenotburnt。Letmerepeattoyou，then，whatmyyouthfulexperiencetaughtme。

Inallothermatters，duplicity，faithlessness，andbrokenpledgesarebroughttobookandpunished；butnotsowithlove，whichisatoncethevictim，theaccuser，thecounsel，judge，andexecutioner。Thecruelesttreachery，themostheartlesscrimes，arethosewhichremainforeverconcealed，withtwoheartsaloneforwitness。Howindeedshouldthevictimproclaimthemwithoutinjurytoherself？Love，therefore，hasitsowncode，itsownpenalsystem，withwhichtheworldhasnoconcern。

Now，formypart，Ihaveresolvednevertopardonaseriousmisdemeanor，andinlove，pray，whatisnotserious？Yesterdayyouhadalltheairofamansuccessfulinhissuit。Youwouldbewrongtodoubtit；andyet，ifthisassurancerobbedyouofthecharmingsimplicitywhichsprangfromuncertainty，Ishouldblameyouseverely。

Iwouldhaveyouneitherbashfulnorself-complacent；Iwouldnothaveyouinterroroflosingmyaffection——thatwouldbeaninsult——butneitherwouldIhaveyouwearyourlovelightlyasathingofcourse。

Nevershouldyourheartbefreerthanmine。Ifyouknownothingofthetorturethatasinglestabofdoubtbringstothesoul，tremblelestI

giveyoualesson!

InasingleglanceIconfidedmyhearttoyou，andyoureadthemeaning。Thepurestfeelingsthatevertookrootinayounggirl’sbreastareyours。ThethoughtandmeditationofwhichIhavetoldyouservedonlytoenrichthemind；butifeverthewoundedheartturnstothebrainforcounsel，besuretheyounggirlwouldshowsomekinshipwiththedemonofknowledgeandofdaring。

Isweartoyou，Felipe，ifyouloveme，asIbelieveyoudoandifI

havereasontosuspecttheleastfallingoffinthefear，obedience，andrespectwhichyouhavehithertoprofessed，ifthepureflameofpassionwhichfirstkindledthefireofmyheartshouldseemtomeanydaytoburnlessvividly，youneedfearnoreproaches。Iwouldnotwearyyouwithlettersbearinganytraceofweakness，pride，oranger，norevenwithoneofwarninglikethis。ButifIspokenowords，Felipe，myfacewouldtellyouthatdeathwasnear。AndyetIshouldnotdietillIhadbrandedyouwithinfamy，andsowneternalsorrowinyourheart；youwouldseethegirlyouloveddishonoredandlostinthisworld，andknowherdoomedtoeverlastingsufferinginthenext。

Donottherefore，Iimploreyou，givemecausetoenvytheold，happyLouise，theobjectofyourpureworship，whoseheartexpandedinthesunshineofhappiness，since，inthewordsofDante，shepossessed，Senzabrama，sicuraricchezza!

Ihavesearchedthe/Inferno/throughtofindthemostterriblepunishment，sometortureofthemindtowhichImightlinkthevengeanceofGod。

Yesterday，asIwatchedyou，doubtwentthroughmelikeasharp，colddagger’spoint。Doyouknowwhatthatmeans？Imistrustedyou，andthepangwassoterrible，Icouldnotendureitlonger。Ifmyservicebetoohard，leaveit，Iwouldnotkeepyou。DoIneedanyproofofyourcleverness？Keepformetheflowersofyourwit。Showtoothersnofinesurfacetocallforthflattery，compliments，orpraise。Cometome，ladenwithhatredorscorn，thebuttofcalumny，cometomewiththenewsthatwomenfloutyouandignoreyou，andnotonelovesyou；

then，ah!thenyouwillknowthetreasuresofLouise’sheartandlove。

Weareonlyrichwhenourwealthisburiedsodeepthatalltheworldmighttrampleitunderfoot，unknowing。Ifyouwerehandsome，Idon’tsupposeIshouldhavelookedatyoutwice，ordiscoveredoneofthethousandreasonsoutofwhichmylovesprang。True，weknownomoreofthesereasonsthanweknowwhyitisthesunmakestheflowerstobloom，andripensthefruit。YetIcouldtellyouofonereasonverydeartome。

Thecharacter，expression，andindividualitythatennobleyourfaceareasealedbooktoallbutme。Mineisthepowerwhichtransformsyouintothemostlovableofmen，andthatiswhyIwouldkeepyourmentalgiftsalsoformyself。Tootherstheyshouldbeasmeaninglessasyoureyes，thecharmofyourmouthandfeatures。Letitbeminealonetokindlethebeaconofyourintelligence，asIbringthelovelightintoyoureyes。IwouldhaveyoutheSpanishgrandeeofolddays，cold，ungracious，haughty，amonumenttobegazedatfromafar，liketheruinsofsomebarbaricpower，whichnooneventurestoexplore。Now，youhavenothingbettertodothantoopenuppleasantpromenadesforthepublic，andshowyourselfofaParisianaffability!

Ismyidealportrait，then，forgotten？Yourexcessivecheerfulnesswasredolentofyourlove。Haditnotbeenforarestrainingglancefromme，youwouldhaveproclaimedtothemostsharp-sighted，keen-witted，andunsparingofParissalons，thatyourinspirationwasdrawnfromArmande-Louise-MariedeChaulieu。

Ibelieveinyourgreatnesstoomuchtothinkforamomentthatyourloveisruledbypolicy；butifyoudidnotshowachildlikesimplicitywhenwithme，Icouldonlypityyou。Spiteofthisfirstfault，youarestilldeeplyadmiredbyLOUISEDECHAULIEU。