第20章

Farewell，favoriteoffortune!Farewell，myfriend，inwhomIliveagain，andthroughwhomIamabletopicturetomyselfthisbravelove，thisjealousyallonfireatalook，thesewhisperingsintheear，thesejoyswhichcreateforwomen，asitwere，anewatmosphere，anewdaylight，freshlife!Ah!pet，Itoounderstandlove。Don’twearyoftellingmeeverything。Keepfaithfultoourbond。Ipromise，inmyturn，tospareyounothing。

Nay——toconcludeinallseriousness——Iwillnotconcealfromyouthat，onreadingyourletterasecondtime，IwasseizedwithadreadwhichIcouldnotshakeoff。ThissuperbloveseemslikeachallengetoProvidence。Willnotthesovereignmasterofthisearth，Calamity，takeumbrageifnoplacebeleftforhimatyourfeast？Whatmightyedificeoffortunehashenotoverthrown？Oh!Louise，forgetnot，inallthishappiness，yourprayerstoGod。Dogood，bekindandmerciful；letyourmoderation，ifitmaybe，avertdisaster。ReligionhasmeantmuchmoretomesinceIlefttheconventandsincemymarriage；butyourParisnewscontainsnomentionofit。InyourglorificationofFelipeitseemstomeyoureversethesaying，andinvokeGodlessthanHissaint。

But，afterall，thispanicisonlyexcessofaffection。Yougotochurchtogether，Idonotdoubt，anddogoodinsecret。Thecloseofthisletterwillseemtoyouveryprimitive，Iexpect，butthinkofthetooeagerfriendshipwhichpromptsthesefears——afriendshipofthetypeofLaFontaine’s，whichtakesalarmsatdreams，athalf-

formed，mistyideas。Youdeservetobehappy，since，throughitall，youstillthinkofme，nolessthanIthinkofyou，inmymonotonouslife，which，thoughitlackscolor，isyetnotempty，and，ifuneventful，isnotunfruitful。Godblessyou，then!

Madame，——Itisthedesireofmywifethatyoushouldnotlearnfirstfromtheformalannouncementofaneventwhichhasfilleduswithjoy。

Reneehasjustgivenbirthtoafineboy，whosebaptismwearepostponingtillyourreturntoChantepleurs。ReneeandIbothearnestlyhopethatyoumaythencomeasfarasLaCrampade，andwillconsenttoactasgodmothertoourfirstborn。Inthishope，IhavehadhimplacedontheregisterunderthenameofArmand-Louisdel’Estorade。

OurdearReneesufferedmuch，butboreitwithangelicpatience。You，whoknowher，willeasilyunderstandthattheassuranceofbringinghappinesstousallsupportedherthroughthistryingapprenticeshiptomotherhood。

Withoutindulginginthemoreorlessludicrousexaggerationstowhichthenovelsensationofbeingafatherisapttogiverise，ImaytellyouthatlittleArmandisabeautifulinfant，andyouwillhavenodifficultyinbelievingitwhenIaddthathehasRenee’sfeaturesandeyes。Sofar，atleast，thisgivesproofofintelligence。

ThephysicianandaccoucheurassureusthatReneeisnowquiteoutofdanger；andassheisprovinganadmirablenurse——Naturehasendowedhersogenerously!——myfatherandIareabletogivefreereintoourjoy。Madame，mayIbeallowedtoexpressthehopethatthisjoy，sovividandintense，whichhasbroughtfreshlifeintoourhouse，andhaschangedthefaceofexistenceformydearwife，mayerelongbeyours？

Reneehashadasuiteofroomsprepared，andIonlywishIcouldmakethemworthyofourguests。Butthecordialfriendlinessofthereceptionwhichawaitsyoumayperhapsatoneforanylackofsplendor。

IhaveheardfromRenee，madame，ofyourkindthoughtinregardtous，andItakethisopportunityofthankingyouforit，themoregladlybecausenothingcouldnowbemoreappropriate。Thebirthofagrandsonhasreconciledmyfathertosacrificeswhichbearhardlyonanoldman。Hehasjustboughttwoestates，andLaCrampadeisnowapropertywithanannualrentalofthirtythousandfrancs。MyfatherintendsaskingtheKing’spermissiontoformanentailedestateofit；andifyouaregoodenoughtogetforhimthetitleofwhichyouspokeinyourlastletter，youwillhavealreadydonemuchforyourgodson。

Formypart，IshallcarryoutyoursuggestionssolelywiththeobjectofbringingyouandReneetogetherduringthesessionsoftheChamber。

Iamworkinghardwiththeviewofbecomingwhatiscalledaspecialist。ButnothingcouldgivemegreaterencouragementinmylaborsthanthethoughtthatyouwilltakeaninterestinmylittleArmand。Come，then，webegofyou，andwithyourbeautyandyourgrace，yourplayfulfancyandyournoblesoul，enactthepartofgoodfairytomysonandheir。Youwillthus，madame，addundyinggratitudetotherespectfulregardofYourveryhumble，obedientservant，LOUISDEL’ESTORADE。

Macumerhasjustwakenedme，darling，withyourhusband’sletter。

Firstandforemost——Yes。WeshallbegoingtoChantepleursabouttheendofApril。Tomeitwillbeapilingupofpleasuretotravel，toseeyou，andtobethegodmotherofyourfirstchild。Imust，please，haveMacumerforgodfather。TotakepartinaceremonyoftheChurchwithanotherasmypartnerwouldbehatefultome。Ah!ifyoucouldseethelookhegavemeasIsaidthis，youwouldknowwhatstorethissweetestofloverssetsonhiswife!

“IamthemorebentonourvisitingLaCrampadetogether，Felipe，“I

wenton，“becauseImighthaveachildthere。Itoo，youknow，wouldbeamother!……Andyet，canyoufancymetornintwobetweenyouandtheinfant？Tobeginwith，ifIsawanycreature——wereitevenmyownson——takingmyplaceinyourheart，Icouldn’tanswerfortheconsequences。Medeamayhavebeenrightafterall。TheGreekshadsomegoodnotions!“

Andhelaughed。

So，mysweetheart，youhavethefruitwithouttheflowers；Itheflowerswithoutthefruit。Thecontrastinourlivesstillholdsgood。

Betweenthetwoofuswehavesurelyenoughphilosophytofindthemoralofitsomeday。Bah!onlytenmonthsmarried!Toosoon，youwilladmit，togiveuphope。

Weareleadingagay，yetfarfromemptylife，asisthewaywithhappypeople。Thedaysareneverlongenoughforus。Society，seeingmeinthetrappingsofamarriedwoman，pronouncestheBaronnedeMacumermuchprettierthanLouisedeChaulieu：ahappyloveisamostbecomingcosmetic。WhenFelipeandIdrivealongtheChamps-ElyseesinthebrightsunshineofacrispJanuaryday，beneaththetrees，frostedwithclustersofwhitestars，andfaceallParisonthespotwherelastyearwemetwithagulfbetweenus，thecontrastcallsupathousandfancies。Suppose，afterall，yourlastlettershouldberightinitsforecast，andwearetoopresumptuous!

IfIamignorantofamother’sjoys，youshalltellmeaboutthem；I

willlearnbysympathy。Butmyimaginationcanpicturenothingtoequaltheraptureoflove。Youwilllaughatmyextravagance；but，I

assureyou，thatadozentimesinasmanymonthsthelonginghasseizedmetodieatthirty，whilelifewasstilluntarnished，amidsttherosesoflove，intheembraceofpassion。Tobidfarewelltothefeastatitsbrightest，beforedisappointmenthascome，havinglivedinthissunshineandcelestialair，andwell-nighspentmyselfinlove，notaleafdroppedfrommycrown，notanillusionperishedinmyheart，whatadreamisthere!Thinkwhatitwouldbetobearaboutayoungheartinanagedbody，toseeonlycold，dumbfacesaroundme，whereevenstrangersusedtosmile；tobeaworthymatron!CanHellhaveaworsetorture？

Onthisverysubject，infact，FelipeandIhavehadourfirstquarrel。IcontendedthatheoughttohavesufficientmoralstrengthtokillmeinmysleepwhenIhavereachedthirty，sothatImightpassfromonedreamtoanother。Thewretchdeclined。Ithreatenedtoleavehimaloneintheworld，and，poorchild，heturnedwhiteasasheet。Mydear，thisdistinguishedstatesmanisneithermorenorlessthanababy。Itisincrediblewhatyouthandsimplicityhecontrivedtohideaway。NowthatIallowmyselftothinkaloudwithhim，asIdowithyou，andhavenosecretsfromhim，wearealwaysgivingeachothersurprises。

DearRenee，FelipeandLouise，thepairoflovers，wanttosendapresenttotheyoungmother。Wewouldliketogetsomethingthatwouldgiveyoupleasure，andwedon’tsharethepopulartasteforsurprises；

sotellmequitefrankly，please，whatyouwouldlike。Itoughttobesomethingwhichwouldrecallustoyouinapleasantway，somethingwhichyouwilluseeveryday，andwhichwon’twearoutwithuse。Themealwhichwithusismostcheerfulandfriendlyislunch，andthereforetheideaoccurredtomeofaspecialluncheonservice，ornamentedwithfiguresofbabies。Ifyouapproveofthis，letmeknowatonce；foritwillhavetobeorderedimmediatelyifwearetobringit。Parisartistsaregentlemenoffartoomuchimportancetobehurried。ThiswillbemyofferingtoLucina。

Farewell，dearnursingmother。Mayallamother’sdelightsbeyours!I

awaitwithimpatienceyourfirstletter，whichwilltellmeallaboutit，Ihope。Someofthedetailsinyourhusband’sletterwenttomyheart。PoorRenee，amotherhasaheavypricetopay。Iwilltellmygodsonhowdearlyhemustloveyou。Noendoflove，mysweetone。

RENEEDEL’ESTORADETOLOUISEDEMACUMER

Itisnearlyfivemonthsnowsincebabywasborn，andnotonce，dearheart，haveIfoundasinglemomentforwritingtoyou。Whenyouareamotheryourself，youwillbemorereadytoexcuseme，thanyouarenow；foryouhavepunishedmealittlebitinmakingyourownletterssofewandfarbetween。Dowrite，mydarling!Tellmeofyourpleasures；layontheblueasbrightlyasyouplease。Itwillnothurtme，forIamhappynow，happierthanyoucanimagine。

IwentinstatetotheparishchurchtoheartheMassforrecoveryfromchildbirth，asisthecustomintheoldfamiliesofProvence。I

wassupportedoneithersidebythetwograndfathers——Louis’fatherandmyown。NeverhadIkneltbeforeGodwithsuchafloodofgratitudeinmyheart。Ihavesomuchtotellyouof，somanyfeelingstodescribe，thatIdon’tknowwheretobegin；butfromamidsttheseconfusedmemories，onerisesdistinctly，thatofmyprayerinthechurch。

WhenIfoundmyselftransformedintoajoyfulmother，ontheveryspotwhere，asagirl，Ihadtrembledformyfuture，itseemedtomyfancythattheVirginonthealtarbowedherheadandpointedtotheinfantChrist，whosmiledatme!Myheartfullofpureandheavenlylove，I

heldoutlittleArmandforthepriesttoblessandbathe，inanticipationoftheregularbaptismtocomelater。Butyouwillseeustogetherthen，Armandandme。

Mychild——comeseehowreadilythewordcomes，andindeedthereisnonesweetertoamother’sheartandmindoronherlips——well，then，dearchild，duringthelasttwomonthsIusedtodragmyselfwearilyandheavilyaboutthegardens，notrealizingyethowpreciouswastheburden，spiteofallthediscomfortsitbrought!Iwashauntedbyforebodingssogloomyandghastly，thattheygotthebetterevenofcuriosity；invaindidIpicturethedelightsofmotherhood。Myheartmadenoresponseeventothethoughtofthelittleone，whoannouncedhimselfbylivelykicking。Thatisasensation，dear，whichmaybewelcomewhenitisfamiliar；butasanovelty，itismorestrangethanpleasing。Ispeakformyselfatleast；youknowIwouldneveraffectanythingIdidnotreallyfeel，andIlookonmychildasagiftstraightfromHeaven。Foronewhosawinitrathertheimageofthemansheloved，itmightbedifferent。

Butenoughofsuchsadthoughts，gone，Itrust，forever。

Whenthecrisiscame，Isummonedallmypowersofresistance，andbracedmyselfsowellforsuffering，thatIborethehorribleagony——

sotheytellme——quitemarvelously。ForaboutanhourIsankintoasortofstupor，ofthenatureofadream。Iseemedtomyselfthentwobeings——anoutercoveringrackedandtorturedbyred-hotpincers，andasoulatpeace。Inthisstrangestatethepainformeditselfintoasortofhalohoveringoverme。Agiganticroseseemedtospringoutofmyheadandgroweverlargerandlarger，tillitenfoldedmeinitsblood-redpetals。Thesamecolordyedtheairaround，andeverythingI

sawwasblood-red。Atlasttheclimaxcame，whensoulandbodyseemednolongerabletoholdtogether；thespasmsofpaingrippedmelikedeathitself。Iscreamedaloud，andfoundfreshstrengthagainstthisfreshtorture。Suddenlythisconcertofhideouscrieswasoverbornebyajoyfulsound——theshrillwailofthenewborninfant。Nowordscandescribethatmoment。Itwasasthoughtheuniversetookpartinmycries，whenallatoncethechorusofpainfellhushedbeforethechild’sfeeblenote。

Theylaidmebackagaininthelargebed，anditfeltlikeparadisetome，eveninmyextremeexhaustion。Threeorfourhappyfacespointedthroughtearstothechild。Mydear，Iexclaimedinterror：

“It’sjustlikealittlemonkey!Areyoureallyandtrulycertainitisachild？“