第16章

WhenGodbeholdsourfaults，Heseesalsoourrepentance。Yes，mybelovedmistress，youareright。IfeltthatIhaddispleasedyou，butknewnothow。Nowthatyouhaveexplainedthecauseofyourtrouble，I

findinitfreshmotivetoadoreyou。LiketheGodofIsrael，youareajealousdeity，andIrejoicetoseeit。Forwhatisholierandmorepreciousthanjealousy？Myfairguardianangel，jealousyisanever-

wakefulsentinel；itistolovewhatpainistothebody，thefaithfulheraldofevil。Bejealousofyourservant，Louise，Ibegofyou；theharderyoustrike，themorecontritewillhebeandkisstherod，inallsubmission，whichprovesthatheisnotindifferenttoyou。

But，alas!dear，ifthepainsitcostmetovanquishmytimidityandmasterfeelingsyouthoughtsofeeblewereinvisibletoyou，willHeaven，thinkyou，rewardthem？Iassureyou，itneedednoslightefforttoshowmyselftoyouasIwasinthedaysbeforeIloved。AtMadridIwasconsideredagoodtalker，andIwantedyoutoseeforyourselfthefewgiftsImaypossess。Ifthiswerevanity，ithasbeenwellpunished。

Yourlastglanceutterlyunnervedme。NeverhadIsoquailed，evenwhenthearmyofFrancewasatthegatesofCadizandIreadperilformylifeinthedissemblingwordsofmyroyalmaster。VainlyItriedtodiscoverthecauseofyourdispleasure，andthelackofsympathybetweenuswhichthisfactdisclosedwasterribletome。ForintruthIhavenowishbuttoactbyyourwill，thinkyourthoughts，seewithyoureyes，respondtoyourjoyandsuffering，asmybodyrespondstoheatandcold。Thecrimeandtheanguishlayformeinthebreachofunisoninthatcommonlifeoffeelingwhichyouhavemadesofair。

“Ihavevexedher!“Iexclaimedoverandoveragain，likeonedistraught。Mynoble，mybeautifulLouise，ifanythingcouldincreasethefervorofmydevotionorconfirmmybeliefinyourdelicatemoralintuitions，itwouldbethenewlightwhichyourwordshavethrownuponmyownfeelings。Muchinthem，ofwhichmymindwasformerlybutdimlyconscious，youhavenowmadeclear。Ifthisbedesignedaschastisement，whatcanbethesweetnessofyourrewards？

Louise，formeitwashappinessenoughtobeacceptedasyourservant。

YouhavegivenmethelifeofwhichIdespaired。NolongerdoIdrawauselessbreath，Ihavesomethingtospendmyselffor；myforcehasanoutlet，ifonlyinsufferingforyou。OncemoreIsay，asIhavesaidbefore，thatyouwillneverfindmeotherthanIwaswhenfirstI

offeredmyselfasyourlowlybondman。Yes，wereyoudishonoredandlost，touseyourownwords，myheartwouldonlyclingthemorecloselytoyouforyourself-soughtmisery。Itwouldbemycaretostaunchyourwounds，andmyprayersshouldimportuneGodwiththestoryofyourinnocenceandyourwrongs。

DidInottellyouthatthefeelingsofmyheartforyouarenotalover’sonly，thatIwillbetoyoufather，mother，sister，brother——

ay，awholefamily——anythingornothing，asyoumaydecree？Andisitnotyourownwishwhichhasconfinedwithinthecompassofalover’sfeelingsomanyvaryingformsofdevotion？Pardonme，then，ifattimesthefatherandbrotherdisappearbehindthelover，sinceyouknowtheyarenonethelessthere，thoughscreenedfromview。Wouldthatyoucouldreadthefeelingsofmyheartwhenyouappearbeforeme，radiantinyourbeauty，thecentreofadmiringeyes，recliningcalmlyinyourcarriageintheChamps-Elysees，orseatedinyourboxattheOpera!ThenwouldyouknowhowabsolutelyfreefromselfishtaintisthepridewithwhichIhearthepraisesofyourlovelinessandgrace，praiseswhichwarmmyhearteventothestrangerswhoutterthem!Whenbychanceyouhaveraisedmetoelysiumbyafriendlygreeting，myprideismingledwithhumility，andIdepartasthoughGod’sblessingrestedonme。Nordoesthejoyvanishwithoutleavingalongtrackoflightbehind。Itbreaksonmethroughthecloudsofmycigarettesmoke。MorethaneverdoIfeelhoweverydropofthissurgingbloodthrobsforyou。

Canyoubeignoranthowyouareloved？Afterseeingyou，Ireturntomystudy，andtheglitterofitsSaracenicornamentssinkstonothingbeforethebrightnessofyourportrait，whenIopenthespringthatkeepsitlockedupfromeveryeyeandlosemyselfinendlessmusingsorlinkmyhappinesstoverse。FromtheheightsofheavenIlookdownuponthecourseofalifesuchasmyhopesdaretopictureit!Haveyounever，inthesilenceofthenight，orthroughtheroarofthetown，heardthewhisperofavoiceinyoursweet，daintyear？DoesnooneofthethousandprayersthatIspeedtoyoureachhome？

Bydintofsilentcontemplationofyourpicturedface，Ihavesucceededindecipheringtheexpressionofeveryfeatureandtracingitsconnectionwithsomegraceofthespirit，andthenIpenasonnettoyouinSpanishontheharmonyofthetwofoldbeautyinwhichnaturehasclothedyou。Thesesonnetsyouwillneversee，formypoetryistoounworthyofitstheme，Idarenotsendittoyou。Notamomentpasseswithoutthoughtsofyou，formywholebeingisboundupinyou，andifyouceasedtobeitsanimatingprinciple，everypartwouldache。

Now，Louise，canyourealizethetorturetomeofknowingthatIhaddispleasedyou，whileentirelyignorantofthecause？Theidealdoublelifewhichseemedsofairwascutshort。Myheartturnedtoicewithinmeas，hopelessofanyotherexplanation，Iconcludedthatyouhadceasedtoloveme。Withheavyheart，andyetnotwhollywithoutcomfort，Iwasfallingbackuponmyoldpostasservant；thenyourlettercameandturnedalltojoy。Oh!mightIbutlistenforevertosuchchiding!

Onceachild，pickinghimselfupfromatumble，turnedtohismotherwiththewords“Forgiveme。“Hidinghisownhurt，hesoughtpardonforthepainhehadcausedher。Louise，Iwasthatchild，andsuchasI

wasthen，Iamnow。Hereisthekeytomycharacter，whichyourslaveinallhumilityplacesinyourhands。

Butdonotfear，therewillbenomorestumbling。Keeptightthechainwhichbindsmetoyou，sothatatouchmaycommunicateyourlightestwishtohimwhowilleverremainyourslave，FELIPE。

Mydearfriend，——Howisitpossiblethatyou，whobroughtyourselfintwomonthstomarryabroken-downinvalidinordertomotherhim，shouldknowanythingofthatterribleshiftingdrama，enactedintherecessesoftheheart，whichwecalllove——adramawheredeathliesinaglanceoralightreply？

IhadreservedforFelipeonelastsupremetestwhichwastobedecisive。IwantedtoknowwhetherhislovewastheloveofaRoyalistforhisKing，whocandonowrong。WhyshouldtheloyaltyofaCatholicbelesssupreme？

Hewalkedwithmeawholenightunderthelimesatthebottomofthegarden，andnotashadowofsuspicioncrossedhissoul。Nextdayhelovedmebetter，butthefeelingwasasreverent，ashumble，asregretfulasever；hehadnotpresumedaniota。Oh!heisaverySpaniard，averyAbencerrage。HescaledmywalltocomeandkissthehandwhichinthedarknessIreacheddowntohimfrommybalcony。Hemighthavebrokenhisneck；howmanyofouryoungmenwoulddothelike？

Butallthisisnothing；Christianssufferthehorriblepangsofmartyrdominthehopeofheaven。ThedaybeforeyesterdayItookasidetheroyalambassador-to-beatthecourtofSpain，mymuchrespectedfather，andsaidtohimwithasmile：

“Sir，someofyourfriendswillhaveitthatyouaremarryingyourdearArmandetothenephewofanambassadorwhohasbeenveryanxiousforthisconnection，andhaslongbeggedforit。Also，thatthemarriage-contractarrangesforhisnephewtosucceedonhisdeathtohisenormousfortuneandhistitle，andbestowsontheyoungcoupleinthemeantimeanincomeofahundredthousandlivres，onthebrideadowryofeighthundredthousandfrancs。Yourdaughterweeps，butbowstotheunquestionedauthorityofherhonoredparent。Somepeopleareunkindenoughtosaythat，behindhertears，sheconcealsaworldlyandambitioussoul。

“Now，wearegoingtothegentleman’sboxattheOperato-night，andM。leBarondeMacumerwillvisitusthere。“

“Macumerneedsatouchofthespurthen，“saidmyfather，smilingatme，asthoughIwereafemaleambassador。

“YoumistakeClarissaHarloweforFigaro!“Icried，withaglanceofscornandmockery。“Whenyouseemewithmyrighthandungloved，youwillgivethelietothisimpertinentgossip，andwillmarkyourdispleasureatit。“

“Imaymakemymindeasyaboutyourfuture。Youhavenomoregotagirl’sheadpiecethanJeanned’Archadawoman’sheart。Youwillbehappy，youwilllovenobody，andwillallowyourselftobeloved。“

Thiswastoomuch。Iburstintolaughter。

“Whatisit，littleflirt？“hesaid。

“Itrembleformycountry’sinterests……“

Andseeinghimlookquiteblank，Iadded：

“AtMadrid!“

“Youhavenoideahowthislittlenunhaslearned，inayear’stime，tomakefunofherfather，“hesaidtotheDuchess。

“Armandemakeslightofeverything，“mymotherreplied，lookingmeintheface。

“Whatdoyoumean？“Iasked。

“Why，youarenotevenafraidofrheumatismonthesedampnights，“shesaid，withanothermeaningglanceatme。

“Oh!“Ianswered，“themorningsaresohot!“

TheDuchesslookeddown。

“It’shightimesheweremarried，“saidmyfather，“andithadbetterbebeforeIgo。“

“Ifyouwishit，“Ireplieddemurely。

Twohourslater，mymotherandI，theDuchessedeMaufrigneuseandMme。d’Espard，wereallfourbloominglikerosesinthefrontofthebox。Ihadseatedmyselfsideways，givingonlyashouldertothehouse，sothatIcouldseeeverything，myselfunseen，inthatspaciousboxwhichfillsoneofthetwoanglesatthebackofthehall，betweenthecolumns。

Macumercame，stoodup，andputhisopera-glassesbeforehiseyessothathemightbeabletolookatmecomfortably。

InthefirstintervalenteredtheyoungmanwhomIcall“kingoftheprofligates。“TheComteHenrideMarsay，whohasgreatbeautyofaneffeminatekind，enteredtheboxwithanepigraminhiseyes，asmileuponhislips，andanairofsatisfactionoverhiswholecountenance。

Hefirstgreetedmymother，Mme。d’Espard，andtheDuchessedeMaufrigneuse，theComted’Esgrignon，andM。deCanalis；thenturningtome，hesaid：

“IdonotknowwhetherIshallbethefirsttocongratulateyouonaneventwhichwillmakeyoutheobjectofenvytomany。“

“Ah!amarriage!“Icried。“Isitleftforme，agirlfreshfromtheconvent，totellyouthatpredictedmarriagesnevercomeoff。“

M。deMarsaybentdown，whisperingtoMacumer，andIwasconvinced，fromthemovementofhislips，thatwhathesaidwasthis：

“Baron，youareperhapsinlovewiththatlittlecoquette，whohasusedyouforherownends；butasthequestionisonenotoflove，butofmarriage，itisaswellforyoutoknowwhatisgoingon。“

Macumertreatedthisofficiousscandal-mongertooneofthoseglancesofhiswhichseemtomesoeloquentofnoblescorn，andrepliedtotheeffectthathewas“notinlovewithanylittlecoquette。“Hiswholebearingsodelightedme，thatdirectlyIcaughtsightofmyfather，theglovewasoff。

Felipehadnotashadowoffearordoubt。Howwelldidhebearoutmyexpectations!Hisfaithisonlyinme，societycannothurthimwithitslies。NotamuscleoftheArab’sfacestirred，notadropofthebluebloodflushedhisolivecheek。

Thetwoyoungcountswentout，andIsaid，laughing，toMacumer：

“M。deMarsayhasbeentreatingyoutoanepigramonme。“

“Hedidmore，“hereplied。“Itwasanepithalamium。“

“YouspeakGreektome，“Isaid，rewardinghimwithasmileandacertainlookwhichalwaysembarrasseshim。

MyfathermeantimewastalkingtoMme。deMaufrigneuse。

“Ishouldthinkso!“heexclaimed。“Thegossipwhichgetsaboutisscandalous。Nosoonerhasagirlcomeoutthaneveryoneiskeentomarryher，andtheridiculousstoriesthatareinvented!IshallneverforceArmandetomarryagainstherwill。Iamgoingtotakeaturninthepromenade，otherwisepeoplewillbesayingthatIallowedtherumortospreadinordertosuggestthemarriagetotheambassador；

andCaesar’sdaughteroughttobeabovesuspicion，evenmorethanhiswife——ifthatwerepossible。“

TheDuchessedeMaufrigneuseandMme。d’Espardshotglancesfirstatmymother，thenattheBaron，brimmingoverwithslyintelligenceandrepressedcuriosity。Withtheirserpent’scunningtheyhadatlastgotaninklingofsomethinggoingon。Ofallmysteriesinlife，loveistheleastmysterious!Itexhalesfromwomen，Ibelieve，likeaperfume，andshewhocanconcealitisaverymonster!Oureyesprattleevenmorethanourtongues。

HavingenjoyedthedelightfulsensationoffindingFeliperisetotheoccasion，asIhadwished，itwasonlyinnatureIshouldhungerformore。SoImadethesignalagreedonfortellinghimthathemightcometomywindowbythedangerousroadyouknowof。AfewhourslaterIfoundhim，uprightasastatue，gluedtothewall，hishandrestingonthebalconyofmywindow，studyingthereflectionsofthelightinmyroom。