第19章

Itispartofmynaturethatpleasurehasanexhilaratingeffectonme；itleavessunshinebehind，andbecomesapartofmyinnerbeing。

Theintervalwhichpartsoneecstasyfromanotherisliketheshortnightwhichmarksoffourlongsummerdays。Thesunwhichflushedthemountaintopswithwarmthinsettingfindsthemhardlycoldwhenitrises。Whathappychancehasgivenmesuchadestiny？Mymotherhadrousedahostoffearsinme；herforecast，which，thoughfreefromthealloyofvulgarpettiness，seemedtomeredolentofjealousy，hasbeenfalsifiedbytheevent。Yourfearsandhers，myown——allhavevanishedinthinair!

WeremainedatChantepleurssevenmonthsandahalf，foralltheworldlikeacoupleofrunawayloversfleeingtheparentalwarmth，whiletherosesofpleasurecrownedourloveandembellishedourdualsolitude。

Onemorning，whenIwasevenhappierthanusual，Ibegantomuseovermylot，andsuddenlyReneeandherprosaicmarriageflashedintomymind。ItseemedtomethatnowIcouldgrasptheinnermeaninginyourlife。Oh!mysweet，whydowespeakadifferenttongue？Yourmarriageofconvenienceandmylovematcharetwoworlds，aswidelyseparatedasthefinitefrominfinity。Youstillwalktheearth，whilstIrangetheheavens!Yoursphereishuman，minedivine!Lovecrownedmequeen，youreignbyreasonandduty。SoloftyaretheregionswhereIsoar，thatafallwouldshivermetoatoms。

Butnomoreofthis。Ishrinkfrompaintingtoyoutherainbowbrightness，theprofusion，theexuberantjoyoflove’sspringtime，asweknowit。

FortendayswehavebeeninParis，stayinginacharminghouseintheRueduBac，preparedforusbythearchitecttowhomFelipeintrustedthedecorationofChantepleurs。Ihavebeenlistening，inallthefullcontentofanassuredandsanctionedlove，tothatdivinemusicofRossini’s，whichusedtosoothemewhen，asarestlessgirl，I

hungeredvaguelyafterexperience。TheysayIammorebeautiful，andI

haveachildishpleasureinhearingmyselfcalled“Madame。“

Fridaymorning。

Renee，myfairsaint，thehappinessofmyownlifepullsmeforeverbacktoyou。IfeelthatIcanbemoretoyouthaneverbefore，youaresodeartome!Ihavestudiedyourweddedlifecloselyinthelightofmyownopeningchapters；andyouseemtometocomeoutofthescrutinysogreat，sonoble，sosplendidinyourgoodness，thatI

heredeclaremyselfyourinferiorandhumbleadmirer，aswellasyourfriend。WhenIthinkwhatmarriagehasbeentome，itseemstomethatIshouldhavedied，haditturnedoutotherwise。Andyoulive!Tellmewhatyourheartfeedson!NeveragainshallImakefunofyou。

Mockery，mysweet，isthechildofignorance；wejestatwhatweknownothingof。“Recruitswilllaughwheretheveteransoldierlooksgrave，“wasaremarkmadetomebytheComtedeChaulieu，thatpoorcavalryofficerwhosecampaigningsofarhasconsistedinmarchesfromParistoFontainebleauandbackagain。

Isurmise，too，mydearlove，thatyouhavenottoldmeall。Therearewoundswhichyouhavehidden。Yousuffer；Iamconvincedofit。Intryingtomakeoutatthisdistanceandfromthescrapsyoutellmethereasonsofyourconduct，Ihaveweavedtogetherallsortsofromantictheoriesaboutyou。“Shehasmadeamereexperimentinmarriage，“Ithoughtoneevening，“andwhatishappinessformehadprovedonlysufferingtoher。Hersacrificeisbarrenofreward，andshewouldnotmakeitgreaterthanneedbe。Theunctuousaxiomsofsocialmoralityareonlyusedtocloakherdisappointment。“Ah!Renee，thebestofhappinessisthatitneedsnodogmaandnofinewordstopavetheway；itspeaksforitself，whiletheoryhasbeenpiledupontheorytojustifythesystemofwomen’svassalageandthralldom。Ifself-denialbesonoble，sosublime，what，pray，ofmyjoy，shelteredbythegold-and-whitecanopyofthechurch，andwitnessedbythehandandsealofthemostsour-facedofmayors？Isitathingoutofnature？

Forthehonorofthelaw，forherownsake，butmostofalltomakemyhappinesscomplete，IlongtoseemyReneecontent。Oh!tellmethatyouseeadawnofloveforthisLouiswhoadoresyou!Tellmethatthesolemn，symbolictorchofHymenhasnotaloneservedtolightenyourdarkness，butthatlove，theglorioussunofourhearts，pourshisraysonyou。Icomebackalways，yousee，tothismiddayblaze，whichwillbemydestruction，Ifear。

DearRenee，doyourememberhow，inyouroutburstsofgirlishdevotion，youwouldsaytome，aswesatunderthevine-coveredarboroftheconventgarden，“Iloveyouso，Louise，thatifGodappearedtomeinavision，IwouldprayHimthatallthesorrowsoflifemightbemine，andallthejoyyours。Iburntosufferforyou“？Now，darling，thedayhascomewhenItakeupyourprayer，imploringHeaventograntyouashareinmyhappiness。

Imusttellyoumyidea。IhaveashrewdnotionthatyouarehatchingambitiousplansunderthenameofLouisdel’Estorade。Verygood；gethimelecteddeputyattheapproachingelection，forhewillbeverynearlyfortythen；andastheChamberdoesnotmeettillsixmonthslater，hewillhavejustattainedtheagenecessarytoqualifyforaseat。YouwillcometoParis——there，isn’tthatenough？Myfather，andthefriendsIshallhavemadebythattime，willlearntoknowandadmireyou；andifyourfather-in-lawwillagreetofoundafamily，wewillgetthetitleofComteforLouis。Thatissomethingatleast!Andweshallbetogether。

MythricehappyLouise，yourlettermademedizzy。ForafewmomentsI

helditinmylistlesshands，whileatearortwosparkledonitinthesettingsun。IwasalonebeneaththesmallbarrenrockwhereI

havehadaseatplaced；faroff，likealanceofsteel，theMediterraneanshone。Theseatisshadedbyaromaticshrubs，andIhavehadaverylargejessamine，somehoneysuckle，andSpanishbroomstransplantedthere，sothatsomedaytherockwillbeentirelycoveredwithclimbingplants。Thewildvinehasalreadytakenrootthere。Butwinterdrawsnear，andallthisgreeneryisfadedlikeapieceofoldtapestry。InthisspotIamnevermolested；itisunderstoodthathereIwishtobealone。ItisnamedLouise’sseat——aproof，isitnot，thateveninsolitudeIamnotalonehere？

IfItellyouallthesedetails，toyousopaltry，andtrytodescribethevisionofgreenwithwhichmypropheticgazeclothesthisbarerock——onwhichtopsomefreakofnaturehassetupamagnificentparasolpine——itisbecauseinallthisIhavefoundanemblemtowhichIcling。

Itwaswhileyourblessedlotwasfillingmewithjoyand——mustI

confessit？——withbitterenvytoo，thatIfeltthefirstmovementofmychildwithin，andthismysteryofphysicallifereactedupontheinnerrecessesofmysoul。Thisindefinablesensation，whichpartakesofthenatureatonceofawarning，adelight，apain，apromise，andafulfilment；thisjoy，whichisminealone，unsharedbymortal，thiswonderofwonders，haswhisperedtomethatonedaythisrockshallbeacarpetofflowers，resoundingtothemerrylaughterofchildren，thatIshallatlastbeblessedamongwomen，andfrommeshallspringforthfountainsoflife。NowIknowwhatIhavelivedfor!Thusthefirstcertaintyofbearingwithinmeanotherlifebroughthealingtomywounds。Ajoythatbeggarsdescriptionhascrownedformethoselongdaysofsacrifice，inwhichLouishadalreadyfoundhis。

Sacrifice!Isaidtomyself，howfardoesitexcelpassion!Whatpleasurehasrootssodeepasonewhichisnotpersonalbutcreative？

IsnotthespiritofSacrificeapowermightierthananyofitsresults？Isitnotthatmysterious，tirelessdivinity，whohidesbeneathinnumerablespheresinanunexploredcentre，throughwhichallworldsinturnmustpass？Sacrifice，solitaryandsecret，richinpleasuresonlytastedinsilence，whichnonecanguessat，andnoprofaneeyehaseverseen；Sacrifice，jealousGodandtyrant，Godofstrengthandvictory，exhaustlessspringwhich，partakingoftheveryessenceofallthatexists，canbynoexpenditurebedrainedbelowitsownlevel；——Sacrifice，thereisthekeynoteofmylife。

Foryou，Louise，loveisbutthereflexofFelipe’spassion；thelifewhichIsheduponmylittleoneswillcomebacktomeinever-growingfulness。Theplentyofyourgoldenharvestwillpass；mine，thoughlate，willbebutthemoreenduring，foreachhourwillseeitrenewed。LovemaybethefairestgemwhichSocietyhasfilchedfromNature；butwhatismotherhoodsaveNatureinhermostgladsomemood？

Asmilehasdriedmytears。LovemakesmyLouishappy，butmarriagehasmademeamother，andwhoshallsayIamnothappyalso？

Withslowsteps，then，Ireturnedtomywhitegrange，withthegreenshutters，towriteyouthesethoughts。

Soitis，darling，thatthemostmarvelous，andyetthesimplest，processofnaturehasbeengoingoninmeforfivemonths；andyet——inyourearletmewhisperit——sofaritagitatesneithermyheartnormyunderstanding。Iseeallaroundmehappy；thegrandfather-to-behasbecomeachildagain，trespassingonthegrandchild’splace；thefatherwearsagraveandanxiouslook；theyareallmostattentivetome，alltalkofthejoyofbeingamother。Alas!Ialoneremaincold，andIdarenottellyouhowdeadIamtoallemotion，thoughIaffectalittleinordernottodampthegeneralsatisfaction。ButwithyouI

maybefrank；andIconfessthat，atmypresentstage，motherhoodisamereaffairoftheimagination。

LouiswastothefullasmuchsurprisedasI。Doesnotthisshowhowlittle，unlessbyhisimpatientwishes，thefathercountsforinthismatter？Chance，mydear，isthesovereigndeityinchild-bearing。Mydoctor，whilemaintainingthatthischanceworksinharmonywithnature，doesnotdenythatchildrenwhoarethefruitofpassionateloveareboundtoberichlyendowedbothphysicallyandmentally，andthatoftenthehappinesswhichshonelikearadiantstarovertheirbirthseemstowatchoverthemthroughlife。Itmaybethen，Louise，thatmotherhoodreservesjoysforyouwhichIshallneverknow。Itmaybethatthefeelingofamotherforthechildofamanwhomsheadores，asyouadoreFelipe，isdifferentfromthatwithwhichsheregardstheoffspringofreason，duty，anddesperation!

Thoughtssuchasthese，whichIburyinmyinmostheart，addtothepreoccupationonlynaturaltoawomansoontobeamother。Andyet，asthefamilycannotexistwithoutchildren，Ilongtospeedthemomentfromwhichthejoysoffamily，wherealoneIamtofindmylife，shalldatetheirbeginning。AtpresentIlivealifeallexpectationandmystery，exceptforasickeningphysicaldiscomfort，whichnodoubtservestoprepareawomanforsufferingofadifferentkind。Iwatchmysymptoms；andinspiteoftheattentionsandthoughtfulcarewithwhichLouis’anxietysurroundsme，Iamconsciousofavagueuneasiness，mingledwiththenausea，thedistasteforfood，andabnormallongingscommontomycondition。IfIamtospeakcandidly，I

mustconfess，attheriskofdisgustingyouwiththewholebusiness，toanincomprehensiblecravingforrottenfruit。MyhusbandgoestoMarseillestofetchthefinestorangestheworldproduces——fromMalta，Portugal，Corsica——andtheseIdon’ttouch。ThenIhurrytheremyself，sometimesonfoot，andinalittlebackstreet，runningdowntotheharbor，closetotheTownHall，Ifindwretched，half-putridoranges，twoforasou，whichIdevoureagerly。Thebluish，greenishshadesonthemouldypartssparklelikediamondsinmyeyes，theyareflowerstome；Iforgettheputridodor，andfindthemdelicious，withapiquantflavor，andstimulatingaswine。Mydear，theyarethefirstloveofmylife!YourpassionforFelipeisnothingtothis!SometimesIcanslipoutsecretlyandflytoMarseilles，fullofpassionatelongings，whichgrowmoreintenseasIdrawnearthestreet。Itremblelestthewomanshouldbesoldoutofrottenoranges；IpounceonthemanddevourthemasIstand。Itseemstomeanambrosialfood，andyetI

haveseenLouisturnaside，unabletobearthesmell。ThencametomymindtheghastlywordsofObermanninhisgloomyelegy，whichIwishI

hadneverread，“Rootsslaketheirthirstinfouleststreams。“SinceI

tooktothisdiet，thesicknesshasceased，andIfeelmuchstronger。

Thisdepravityoftastemusthaveameaning，foritseemstobepartofanaturalprocessandtobecommontomostwomen，sometimesgoingtomostextravagantlengths。

Whenmysituationismoremarked，Ishallnotgobeyondthegrounds，forIshouldnotliketobeseenunderthesecircumstances。Ihavethegreatestcuriositytoknowatwhatprecisemomentthesenseofmotherhoodbegins。Itcannotpossiblybeinthemidstoffrightfulsuffering，theverythoughtofwhichmakesmeshudder。