第14章

“But，asIlookuponthisportraitandlistentoyoursmilethatwhispersofrapture，theraysofahopewhichIhadsternlybanishedpiercedthegloom，likethelightofdawn，againtobeobscuredbyrisingmistsofdoubtandfearofyourdispleasure，ifthemorningshouldbreaktoday。No，itisimpossibleyoushouldlovemeyet——Ifeelit；butintime，asyoumakeproofofthestrength，theconstancy，anddepthofmyaffection，youmayyieldmesomefootholdinyourheart。Ifmydaringoffendsyou，tellmesowithoutanger，andIwillreturntomyformerpart。Butifyouconsenttotryandloveme，bemercifulandbreakitgentlytoonewhohasplacedthehappinessofhislifeinthesinglethoughtofservingyou。“

Mydear，asIreadtheselastwords，heseemedtorisebeforeme，paleasthenightwhenthecamelliastoldtheirstoryandheknewhisofferingwasaccepted。Thesewords，intheirhumility，wereclearlysomethingquitedifferentfromtheusualfloweryrhetoricoflovers，andawaveoffeelingbrokeoverme；itwasthebreathofhappiness。

Theweatherhasbeenatrocious；impossibletogototheBoiswithoutexcitingallsortsofsuspicions。Evenmymother，whooftengoesout，regardlessofrain，remainsathome，andalone。

Wednesdayevening。

Ihavejustseen/him/attheOpera，mydear；heisanotherman。Hecametoourbox，introducedbytheSardinianambassador。

Havingreadinmyeyesthatthisaudacitywastakeningoodpart，heseemedawkwardlyconsciousofhislimbs，andaddressedtheMarquised’Espardas“mademoiselle。“Alightfarbrighterthantheglareofthechandeliersflashedfromhiseyes。Atlasthewentoutwiththeairofamanwhodidn’tknowwhathemightdonext。

“TheBarondeMacumerisinlove!“exclaimedMme。deMaufrigneuse。

“Strange，isn’tit，forafallenminister？“repliedmymother。

IhadsufficientpresenceofmindmyselftoregardwithcuriosityMmes。deMaufrigneuseandd’Espardandmymother，asthoughtheyweretalkingaforeignlanguageandIwantedtoknowwhatitwasallabout，butinwardlymysoulsankinthewavesofanintoxicatingjoy。ThereisonlyonewordtoexpresswhatIfelt，andthatis：rapture。SuchloveasFelipe’ssurelymakeshimworthyofmine。Iamtheverybreathofhislife，myhandsholdthethreadthatguideshisthoughts。Tobequitefrank，Ihaveamadlongingtoseehimcleareveryobstacleandstandbeforeme，askingboldlyformyhand。ThenIshouldknowwhetherthisstormoflovewouldsinktoplacidcalmataglancefromme。

Ah!mydear，Istoppedhere，andIamstillallinatremble。AsI

wrote，Iheardaslightnoiseoutside，androsetoseewhatitwas。

FrommywindowIcouldseehimcomingalongtheridgeofthewallattheriskofhislife。Iwenttothebedroomwindowandmadehimasign，itwasenough；heleapedfromthewall——tenfeet——andthenranalongtheroad，asfarasIcouldseehim，inordertoshowmethathewasnothurt。Thatheshouldthinkofmyfearatthemomentwhenhemusthavebeenstunnedbyhisfall，movedmesomuchthatIamstillcrying；Idon’tknowwhy。Poorungainlyman!whatwashecomingfor？

whathadhetosaytome？

Idarenotwritemythoughts，andshallgotobedjoyful，thinkingofallthatwewouldsayifweweretogether。Farewell，fairsilentone。

Ihavenottimetoscoldyoufornotwriting，butitismorethanamonthsinceIhaveheardfromyou!Doesthismeanthatyouareatlasthappy？Haveyoulostthe“completeindependence“whichyouweresoproudof，andwhichto-nighthassonearlyplayedmefalse？

Iflovebethelifeoftheworld，whydoausterephilosopherscountitfornothinginmarriage？WhyshouldSocietytakeforitsfirstlawthatthewomanmustbesacrificedtothefamily，introducingthusanoteofdiscordintotheveryheartofmarriage？Andthisdiscordwasforeseen，sinceitwastomeetthedangersarisingfromitthatmenwerearmedwithnew-foundpowersagainstus。Butforthese，weshouldhavebeenabletobringtheirwholetheorytonothing，whetherbytheforceofloveorofasecret，persistentaversion。

Iseeinmarriage，asitatpresentexists，twoopposingforceswhichitwasthetaskofthelawgivertoreconcile。“Whenwilltheybereconciled？“Isaidtomyself，asIreadyourletter。Oh!mydear，onesuchletteraloneisenoughtooverthrowthewholefabricconstructedbythesageofAveyron，underwhoseshelterIhadsocheerfullyensconcedmyself!Thelawsweremadebyoldmen——anywomancanseethat——andtheyhavebeenprudentenoughtodecreethatconjugallove，apartfrompassion，isnotdegrading，andthatawomaninyieldingherselfmaydispensewiththesanctionoflove，providedthemancanlegallycallherhis。IntheirexclusiveconcernforthefamilytheyhaveimitatedNature，whoseonecareistopropagatethespecies。

FormerlyIwasaperson，nowIamachattel。NotafewtearshaveI

gulpeddown，aloneandfarfromeveryone。HowgladlywouldIhaveexchangedthemforaconsolingsmile!Whyareourdestiniessounequal？Yoursoulexpandsintheatmosphereofalawfulpassion。Foryou，virtuewillcoincidewithpleasure。Ifyouencounterpain，itwillbeofyourownfreechoice。Yourduty，ifyoumarryFelipe，willbeonewiththesweetest，freestindulgenceoffeeling。Ourfutureisbigwiththeanswertomyquestion，andIlookforitwithrestlesseagerness。

Youloveandareadored。Oh!mydear，letthisnobleromance，theoldsubjectofourdreams，takefullpossessionofyoursoul。Womanlybeauty，refinedandspiritualizedinyou，wascreatedbyGod，forHisownpurposes，tocharmandtodelight。Yes，mysweet，guardwellthesecretofyourheart，andsubmitFelipetothoseingeniousdevicesofoursfortestingalover’smetal。Aboveall，maketrialofyourownlove，forthisisevenmoreimportant。Itissoeasytobemisledbythedeceptiveglamourofnoveltyandpassion，andbythevisionofhappiness。

Aloneofthetwofriends，youremaininyourmaidenindependence；andIbeseechyou，dearest，donotrisktheirrevocablestepofmarriagewithoutsomeguarantee。Ithappenssometimes，whentwoaretalkingtogether，apartfromtheworld，theirsoulsstrippedofsocialdisguise，thatagesture，aword，alooklightsup，asbyaflash，somedarkabyss。Youhavecourageandstrengthtotreadboldlyinpathswhereotherswouldbelost。

YouhavenoconceptioninwhatanxietyIwatchyou。AcrossallthisspaceIseeyou；myheartbeatswithyours。Besure，therefore，towriteandtellmeeverything。Yourletterscreateaninnerlifeofpassionwithinmyhomely，peacefulhousehold，whichremindsmeofalevelhighroadonagrayday。Theonlyeventhere，mysweet，isthatI

amplayingcross-purposeswithmyself。ButIdon’twanttotellyouaboutitjustnow；itmustwaitforanotherday。Withdoggedobstinacy，Ipassfromdespairtohope，nowyielding，nowholdingback。ItmaybethatIaskfromlifemorethanwehavearighttoclaim。Inyouthwearesoreadytobelievethattheidealandtherealwillharmonize!

Ihavebeenponderingalone，seatedbeneatharockinmypark，andthefruitofmyponderingisthatloveinmarriageisahappyaccidentonwhichitisimpossibletobaseauniversallaw。MyAveyronphilosopherisrightinlookingonthefamilyastheonlypossibleunitinsociety，andinplacingwomaninsubjectiontothefamily，asshehasbeeninallages。Thesolutionofthisgreat——forusalmostawful——

questionliesinourfirstchild。Forthisreason，Iwouldgladlybeamother，wereitonlytosupplyfoodfortheconsumingenergyofmysoul。

Louis’temperremainsasperfectasever；hisloveisoftheactive，mytendernessofthepassive，type。Heishappy，pluckingtheflowerswhichbloomforhim，withouttroublingaboutthelaboroftheearthwhichhasproducedthem。Blessedself-absorption!Atwhatevercosttomyself，Ifallinwithhisillusions，asamother，inmyideaofher，shouldbereadytospendherselftosatisfyafancyofherchild。Theintensityofhisjoyblindshim，andeventhrowsitsreflectionuponme。Thesmileorlookofsatisfactionwhichtheknowledgeofhiscontentbringstomyfaceisenoughtosatisfyhim。Andso，“mychild“

isthepetnamewhichIgivehimwhenwearealone。

AndIwaitforthefruitofallthesesacrificeswhichremainasecretbetweenGod，myself，andyou。OnmotherhoodIhavestakedenormously；

mycreditaccountisnowtoolarge，IfearIshallneverreceivefullpayment。ToitIlookforemploymentofmyenergy，expansionofmyheart，andthecompensationofaworldofjoys。PrayHeavenIbenotdeceived!Itisaquestionofallmyfutureand，horriblethought，ofmyvirtue。

Dearweddedsweetheart，——YourletterhasarrivedattheverymomenttoheartenmeforaboldstepwhichIhavebeenmeditatingnightandday。

Ifeelwithinmeastrangecravingfortheunknown，or，ifyouwill，theforbidden，whichmakesmeuneasyandrevealsaconflictinprogressinmysoulbetweenthelawsofsocietyandofnature。I

cannottellwhethernatureinmeisthestrongerofthetwo，butI

surprisemyselfintheactofmeditatingbetweenthehostilepowers。

Inplainwords，whatIwantedwastospeakwithFelipe，alone，atnight，underthelime-treesatthebottomofourgarden。Thereisnodenyingthatthisdesirebeseemsthegirlwhohasearnedtheepithetofan“up-to-dateyounglady，“bestowedonmebytheDuchessinjest，andwhichmyfatherhasapproved。

Yettomethereseemsamethodinthismadness。IshouldrecompenseFelipeforthelongnightshehaspassedundermywindow，atthesametimethatIshouldtesthim，byseeingwhathethinksofmyescapadeandhowhecomportshimselfatacriticalmoment。Lethimcastahaloroundmyfolly——beholdinhimmyhusband；lethimshowoneiotalessofthetremulousrespectwithwhichhebowstomeintheChamps-

Elysees——farewell，DonFelipe。

Asforsociety，IrunlessriskinmeetingmyloverthusthanwhenI

smiletohiminthedrawing-roomsofMme。deMaufrigneuseandtheoldMarquisedeBeauseant，wherespiesnowsurroundusoneveryside；andHeavenonlyknowshowpeoplestareatthegirl，suspectedofaweaknessforagrotesque，likeMacumer。

IcannottellyoutowhatastateofagitationIamreducedbydreamingofthisidea，andthetimeIhavegiventoplanningitsexecution。Iwantedyoubadly。Whathappyhoursweshouldhavechatteredaway，lostinthemazesofuncertainty，enjoyinginanticipationallthedelightsandhorrorsofafirstmeetinginthesilenceofnight，underthenoblelime-treesoftheChaulieumansion，withthemoonlightdancingthroughtheleaves!AsIsatalone，everynervetingling，Icried，“Oh!Renee，whereareyou？“Thenyourlettercame，likeamatchtogunpowder，andmylastscrupleswentbytheboard。

ThroughthewindowItossedtomybewilderedadoreranexacttracingofthekeyofthelittlegateattheendofthegarden，togetherwiththisnote：

“Yourmadnessmustreallybeputastopto。Ifyoubrokeyourneck，youwouldruinthereputationofthewomanyouprofesstolove。Areyouworthyofanewproofofregard，anddoyoudeservethatIshouldtalkwithyouunderthelimesatthefootofthegardenatthehourwhenthemoonthrowsthemintoshadow？“

Yesterdayatoneo’clock，whenGriffithwasgoingtobed，Isaidtoher：

“Takeyourshawl，dear，andcomeoutwithme。Iwanttogotothebottomofthegardenwithoutanyoneknowing。“

Withoutaword，shefollowedme。Oh!myRenee，whatanawfulmomentwhen，afteralittlepausefullofdeliciousthrillsofagony，Isawhimglidingalonglikeashadow。Whenhehadreachedthegardensafely，IsaidtoGriffith：

“Don’tbeastonished，buttheBarondeMacumerishere，and，indeed，itisonthataccountIbroughtyouwithme。“

NoreplyfromGriffith。

“Whatwouldyouhavewithme？“saidFelipe，inatoneofsuchagitationthatitwaseasytoseehewasdrivenbesidehimselfbythenoise，slightasitwas，ofourdressesinthesilenceofthenightandofourstepsuponthegravel。

“IwanttosaytoyouwhatIcouldnotwrite，“Ireplied。

Griffithwithdrewafewsteps。Itwasoneofthosemildnights，whentheairisheavywiththescentofflowers。Myheadswamwiththeintoxicatingdelightoffindingmyselfallbutalonewithhiminthefriendlyshadeofthelime-trees，beyondwhichlaythegarden，shiningallthemorebrightlybecausethewhitefacadeofthehousereflectedthemoonlight。Thecontrastseemed，asitwere，anemblemofourclandestineloveleadinguptotheglaringpublicityofawedding。

Neitherofuscoulddomoreatfirstthandrinkinsilentlytheecstasyofamoment，asnewandmarvelousforhimasforme。AtlastI

foundtonguetosay，pointingtotheelm-tree：

“AlthoughIamnotafraidofscandal，youshallnotclimbthattreeagain。Wehavelongenoughplayedschoolboyandschoolgirl，letusrisenowtotheheightofourdestiny。Hadthatfallkilledyou，I

shouldhavedieddisgraced……“

Ilookedathim。Everyscrapofcolorhadlefthisface。

“Andifyouhadbeenfoundthere，suspicionwouldhaveattachedeithertomymotherortome……“

“Forgiveme，“hemurmured。