第12章

“Ah!heisyoung？“

“Certainly，mademoiselle……thoughyoung，heisoneofthemostdistinguishedmeninSpain。“

Iscannedthehousemeanwhilethroughmyopera-glass，andseemedtolendaninattentiveeartothesecretary；but，betweenourselves，I

waswretchedathavingburnthisletter。Inwhattermswouldamanlikethatexpresshislove？Forhedoesloveme。Tobeloved，adoredinsecret；toknowthatinthishouse，whereallthegreatmenofPariswerecollected，therewasoneentirelydevotedtome，unknowntoeverybody!Ah!Renee，nowIunderstandthelifeofParis，itsballs，anditsgaieties。Itallflashedonmeinthetruelight。Whenwelove，wemusthavesociety，wereitonlytosacrificeittoourlove。

Ifeltadifferentcreature——andsuchahappyone!Myvanity，pride，self-love，——allwereflattered。HeavenknowswhatglancesIcastupontheaudience!

“Littlerogue!“theDuchesswhisperedinmyearwithasmile。

Yes，Renee，mywilymotherhaddecipheredthehiddenjoyinmybearing，andIcouldonlyhauldownmyflagbeforesuchfemininestrategy。ThosetwowordstaughtmemoreofworldlywisdomthanIhavebeenabletopickupinayear——forweareinMarchnow。Alas!nomoreItalianoperainanothermonth。Howwilllifebepossiblewithoutthatheavenlymusic，whenone’sheartisfulloflove？

WhenIgothome，mydear，withdeterminationworthyofaChaulieu，I

openedmywindowtowatchashowerofrain。Oh!ifmenknewthemagicspellthataheroicactionthrowsoverus，theywouldindeedrisetogreatness!apoltroonwouldturnhero!WhatIhadlearnedaboutmySpaniarddrovemeintoaveryfever。Ifeltcertainthathewasthere，readytoaimanotherletteratme。

Iwasright，andthistimeIburntnothing。Here，then，isthefirstlove-letterIhavereceived，madamelogician：eachtoherkind：——

“Louise，itisnotforyourpeerlessbeautyIloveyou，norforyourgiftedmind，yournoblefeeling，thewondrouscharmofallyousayanddo，noryetforyourpride，yourqueenlyscornofbasermortals——aprideblentinyouwithcharity，forwhatangelcouldbemoretender？——Louise，Iloveyoubecause，forthesakeofapoorexile，youhaveunbentthisloftymajesty，becausebyagesture，aglance，youhavebroughtconsolationtoamansofarbeneathyouthattheutmosthecouldhopeforwasyourpity，thepityofagenerousheart。Youaretheonewomanwhoseeyeshaveshonewithatendererlightwhenbentonme。

“Andbecauseyouletfallthisglance——ameregrainofdust，yetagracesurpassinganybestowedonmewhenIstoodatthesummitofasubject’sambition——Ilongtotellyou，Louise，howdearyouaretome，andthatmyloveisforyourselfalone，withoutathoughtbeyond，alovethatfarmorethanfulfilstheconditionslaiddownbyyouforanidealpassion。

“Know，then，idolofmyhighestheaven，thatthereisintheworldanoffshootoftheSaracenrace，whoselifeisinyourhands，whowillreceiveyourordersasaslave，anddeemitanhonortoexecutethem。Ihavegivenmyselftoyouabsolutelyandforthemerejoyofgiving，forasingleglanceofyoureye，foratouchofthehandwhichonedayyouofferedtoyourSpanishmaster。Iambutyourservitor，Louise；Iclaimnomore。

“No，IdarenotthinkthatIcouldeverbeloved；butperchancemydevotionmaywinformetoleration。Sincethatmorningwhenyousmileduponmewithgenerousgirlishimpulse，diviningthemiseryofmylonelyandrejectedheart，youreigntherealone。Youaretheabsoluterulerofmylife，thequeenofmythoughts，thegodofmyheart；Ifindyouinthesunshineofmyhome，thefragranceofmyflowers，thebalmoftheairIbreathe，thepulsingofmyblood，thelightthatvisitsmeinsleep。

“Onethoughtalonetroubledthishappiness——yourignorance。Allunknowntoyouwasthisboundlessdevotion，thetrustyarm，theblindslave，thesilenttool，thewealth——forhenceforthallI

possessismineonlyasatrust——whichlayatyourdisposal；

unknowntoyou，theheartwaitingtoreceiveyourconfidence，andyearningtoreplaceallthatyourlife(Iknowitwell)haslacked——theliberalancestress，soreadytomeetyourneeds，afathertowhomyoucouldlookforprotectionineverydifficulty，afriend，abrother。Thesecretofyourisolationisnosecrettome!IfI

ambold，itisbecauseIlongthatyoushouldknowhowmuchisyours。

“Takeall，Louise，andissodoingbestowonmetheonelifepossibleformeinthisworld——thelifeofdevotion。Inplacingtheyokeonmyneck，yourunnorisk；Iasknothingbutthejoyofknowingmyselfyours。Needlesseventosayyouwillneverloveme；

itcannotbeotherwise。Imustloveyoufromafar，withouthope，withoutrewardbeyondmyownlove。

“Inmyanxietytoknowwhetheryouwillacceptmeasyourservant，Ihaverackedmybraintofindsomewayinwhichyoumaycommunicatewithmewithoutanydangerofcompromisingyourself。

Injurytoyourself-respecttherecanbenoneinsanctioningadevotionwhichhasbeenyoursformanydayswithoutyourknowledge。Letthis，then，bethetoken。Attheoperathisevening，ifyoucarryinyourhandabouquetconsistingofoneredandonewhitecamellia——emblemofaman’sbloodattheserviceofthepurityheworships——thatwillbemyanswer。Iasknomore；

thenceforth，atanymoment，tenyearshenceorto-morrow，whateveryoudemandshallbedone，sofarasitispossibleformantodoit，byyourhappyservant，“FELIPEHENAREZ。“

/P。S。/——Youmustadmit，dear，thatgreatlordsknowhowtolove!SeethespringoftheAfricanlion!Whatrestrainedfire!Whatloyalty!

Whatsincerity!Howhighasoulinlowestate!IfeltquitesmallanddazedasIsaidtomyself，“WhatshallIdo？“

Itisthemarkofagreatmanthatheputstoflightallordinarycalculations。Heisatoncesublimeandtouching，childlikeandoftheraceofgiants。InasingleletterHenarezhasoutstrippedvolumesfromLovelaceorSaint-Preux。Hereistruelove，nobeatingaboutthebush。Lovemaybeoritmaynot，butwhereitis，itoughttorevealitselfinitsimmensity。

HereamI，shornofallmylittlearts!Torefuseoraccept!Thatisthealternativeboldlypresentedme，withouttheghostofanopeningforamiddlecourse。Nofencingallowed!ThisisnolongerParis；weareintheheartofSpainorthefarEast。ItisthevoiceofAbencerrage，anditisthescimitar，thehorse，andtheheadofAbencerragewhichheoffers，prostratebeforeaCatholicEve!ShallI

acceptthislastdescendantoftheMoors？ReadagainandagainhisHispano-Saracenicletter，Reneedear，andyouwillseehowlovemakesacleansweepofalltheJudaicbargainsofyourphilosophy。

Renee，yourletterliesheavyonmyheart；youhavevulgarizedlifeforme。WhatneedhaveIforfinessing？AmInotmistressforalltimeofthislionwhoseroardiesoutinplaintiveandadoringsighs？Ah!

howhemusthaveragedinhislairoftheRueHillerin-Bertin!Iknowwherehelives，Ihavehiscard：/F。，BarondeMacumer/。

Hehasmadeitimpossibleformetoreply。AllIcandoistoflingtwocamelliasinhisface。Whatfiendishartsdoeslovepossess——pure，honest，simple-mindedlove!Hereisthemosttremendouscrisisofawoman’sheartresolvedintoaneasy，simpleaction。Oh，Asia!Ihavereadthe/ArabianNights/，hereistheirveryessence：twoflowers，andthequestionissettled。Weclearthefourteenvolumesof/ClarissaHarlowe/withabouquet。Iwrithebeforethisletter，likeathreadinthefire。Totake，ornottotake，mytwocamellias。YesorNo，killorgivelife!Atlastavoicecriestome，“Testhim!“AndI

willtesthim。

Iamdressedinwhite——whitecamelliasinmyhair，andanotherinmyhand。Mymotherhasredcamellias；soitwouldnotbeimpossibletotakeonefromher——ifIwished!Ihaveastrangelongingtoputoffthedecisiontothelastmoment，andmakehimpayforhisredcamelliabyalittlesuspense。

Whatavisionofbeauty!Griffithbeggedmetostopforalittleandbeadmired。Thesolemncrisisoftheeveningandthedramaofmysecretreplyhavegivenmeacolor；oneachcheekIsportaredcamellialaiduponawhite!

1A。M。

Everybodyadmiredme，butonlyoneadored。HehunghisheadasI

enteredwithawhitecamellia，butturnedpaleastheflowerwhen，later，Itookaredonefrommymother’shand。Toarrivewiththetwoflowersmightpossiblyhavebeenaccidental；butthisdeliberateactionwasareply。Myconfession，therefore，isfullerthanitneedhavebeen。

Theoperawas/RomeoandJuliet/。Asyoudon’tknowtheduetofthetwolovers，youcan’tunderstandtheblissoftwoneophytesinlove，astheylistentothisdivineoutpouringoftheheart。

OnreturninghomeIwenttobed，butonlytocountthestepswhichresoundedonthesidewalk。Myheartandhead，darling，areallonfirenow。Whatishedoing？Whatishethinkingof？Hasheathought，asinglethought，thatisnotofme？Ishe，inverytruth，thedevotedslavehepaintedhimself？Howtobesure？Or，again，hasiteverenteredhisheadthat，ifIaccepthim，Ilaymyselfopentotheshadowofareproachoraminanysenserewardingorthankinghim？I

amharrowedbythehair-splittingcasuistryoftheheroinesin/Cyrus/

and/Astraea/，byallthesubtleargumentsofthecourtoflove。

Hasheanyideathat，inaffairsoflove，awoman’smosttriflingactionsarebuttheissueoflongbroodingandinnerconflicts，ofvictorieswononlytobelost!Whatarehisthoughtsatthismoment？

HowcanIgivehimmyorderstowriteeveryeveningtheparticularsofthedayjustgone？HeismyslavewhomIoughttokeepbusy。Ishalldelugehimwithwork!

SundayMorning。

OnlytowardsmorningdidIsleepalittle。Itismiddaynow。IhavejustgotGriffithtowritethefollowingletter：

“/TotheBarondeMacumer/。

“MademoiselledeChaulieubegsme，MonsieurleBaron，toaskyoutoreturntoherthecopyofaletterwrittentoherbyafriend，whichisinherownhandwriting，andwhichyoucarriedaway——

Believeme，etc。，“GRIFFITH。“

Mydear，Griffithhasgoneout；shehasgonetotheRueHillerin-

Bertin；shehadhandedinthislittlelove-letterformyslave，whoreturnedtomeinanenvelopemysweetportrait，stainedwithtears。

Hehasobeyed。Oh!mysweet，itmusthavebeendeartohim!Anothermanwouldhaverefusedtosenditinaletterfullofflattery；buttheSaracenhasfulfilledhispromises。Hehasobeyed。Itmovesmetotears。

Yesterdaytheweatherwassplendid。Idressedmyselflikeagirlwhowantstolookherbestinhersweetheart’seyes。Myfather，yieldingtomyentreaties，hasgivenmetheprettiestturnoutinParis——twodapple-grayhorsesandabarouche，whichisamasterpieceofelegance。

Iwasmakingafirsttrialofthis，andpeepedoutlikeaflowerfromundermysunshadelinedwithwhitesilk。

AsIdroveuptheavenueoftheChamps-Elysees，IsawmyAbencerrageapproachingonanextraordinarilybeautifulhorse。Almosteverymannowadaysisafinishedjockey，andtheyallstoppedtoadmireandinspectit。Hebowedtome，andonreceivingafriendlysignofencouragement，slackenedhishorse’spacesothatIwasabletosaytohim：

“Youarenotvexedwithmeforaskingformyletter；itwasnousetoyou。“Theninalowervoice，“Youhavealreadytranscendedtheideal……Yourhorsemakesyouanobjectofgeneralinterest，“Iwentonaloud。

“MystewardinSardiniasentittome。Heisveryproudofit；forthishorse，whichisofArabblood，wasborninmystables。“

Thismorning，mydear，HenarezwasonanEnglishsorrel，alsoveryfine，butnotsuchastoattractattention。Mylight，mockingwordshaddonetheirwork。HebowedtomeandIrepliedwithaslightinclinationofthehead。

TheDucd’AngoulemehasboughtMacumer’shorse。Myslaveunderstoodthathewasdesertingtheroleofsimplicitybyattractingthenoticeofthecrowd。Amanoughttoberemarkedforwhatheis，notforhishorse，oranythingelsebelongingtohim。Tohavetoobeautifulahorseseemstomeapieceofbadtaste，justasmuchaswearingahugediamondpin。Iwasdelightedatbeingabletofindfaultwithhim。

Perhapstheremayhavebeenatouchofvanityinwhathedid，veryexcusableinapoorexile，andIliketoseethischildishness。

Oh!mydearoldpreacher，domyloveaffairsamuseyouasmuchasyourdismalphilosophygivesmethecreeps？DearPhiliptheSecondinpetticoats，areyoucomfortableinmybarouche？Doyouseethosevelveteyes，humble，yetsoeloquent，andgloryingintheirservitude，whichflashonmeassomeonegoesby？Heisahero，Renee，andhewearsmylivery，andalwaysaredcamelliainhisbuttonhole，whileI

havealwaysawhiteoneinmyhand。

Howcleareverythingbecomesinthelightoflove!HowwellIknowmyParisnow!Itisalltransfusedwithmeaning。Andlovehereislovelier，grander，morebewitchingthanelsewhere。

IamconvincednowthatIcouldneverflirtwithafoolormakeanyimpressiononhim。Itisonlymenofrealdistinctionwhocanenterintoourfeelingsandfeelourinfluence。Oh!mypoorfriend，forgiveme。Iforgotourl’Estorade。Butdidn’tyoutellmeyouweregoingtomakeageniusofhim？Iknowwhatthatmeans。Youwilldrynursehimtillsomedayheisabletounderstandyou。

Good-bye。Iamalittleoffmyhead，andmuststop。