第17章

nothinglessaristocraticthanaprivatecarriage。]Itisagreatbenefaction—isHydePark。There,inhishansomcab,theinvalidcango—thepoor,sadchildofmisfortune—andinserthisnosebetweentherailings,andbreathethepure,health—givingairofthecountryandofheaven。Andifheisaswellinvalid,whoisn\'tobligedtodependuponparksforhiscountryair,hecandriveinside—ifheownshisvehicle。IdriveroundandroundHydePark,andthemoreIseeoftheedgesofitthemoregratefulIamthatthemarginisextensive。

AndIhavebeentotheZoologicalGardens。Whatawonderfulplacethatis！Ineverhaveseensuchacuriousandinterestingvarietyofwildanimalsinanygardenbefore—except"Mabille。"Ineverbelievedbeforethereweresomanydifferentkindsofanimalsintheworldasyoucanfindthere—andIdon\'tbelieveityet。IhavebeentotheBritishMuseum。Iwouldadviseyoutodropintheresometimewhenyouhavenothingtodofor—fiveminutes—ifyouhaveneverbeenthere。Itseemstomethenoblestmonumentthatthisnationhasyeterectedtohergreatness。Isaytoher,ourgreatness—asanation。True,shehasbuiltothermonuments,andstatelyones,aswell;buttheseshehasupliftedinhonoroftwoorthreecolossaldemigodswhohavestalkedacrosstheworld\'sstage,destroyingtyrantsanddeliveringnations,andwhoseprodigieswillstillliveinthememoriesofmenagesaftertheirmonumentsshallhavecrumbledtodust—IrefertotheWellingtonandNelsonmonuments,and—theAlbertmemorial。[Sarcasm。TheAlbertmemorialisthefinestmonumentintheworld,andcelebratestheexistenceofascommonplaceapersonasgoodluckeverliftedoutofobscurity。]

ThelibraryattheBritishMuseumIfindparticularlyastounding。

Ihavereadtherehourstogether,andhardlymadeanimpressiononit。

Ireverethatlibrary。Itistheauthor\'sfriend。Idon\'tcarehowmeanabookis,italwaystakesonecopy。[AcopyofeverybookprintedinGreatBritainmustbylawbesenttotheBritishMuseum,alawmuchcomplainedofbypublishers。]Andtheneverydaythatauthorgoestheretogazeatthatbook,andisencouragedtogooninthegoodwork。AndwhatatouchingsightitisofaSaturdayafternoontoseethepoor,care—wornclergymengatheredtogetherinthatvastreading—roomcabbagingsermonsforSunday。Youwillpardonmyreferringtothesethings。Everythinginthismonstercityinterestsme,andIcannotkeepfromtalking,evenattheriskofbeinginstructive。Peoplehereseemalwaystoexpressdistancesbyparables。Toastrangeritisjustalittleconfusingtobesoparabolic—sotospeak。Icollaracitizen,andIthinkIamgoingtogetsomevaluableinformationoutofhim。IaskhimhowfaritistoBirmingham,andhesaysitistwenty—oneshillingsandsixpence。

Nowweknowthatdoesn\'thelpamanwhoistryingtolearn。Ifindmyselfdown—townsomewhere,andIwanttogetsomesortofideawhereIam—beingusuallylostwhenalone—andIstopacitizenandsay:"HowfarisittoCharingCross？""Shillingfareinacab,"andoffhegoes。IsupposeifIweretoaskaLondonerhowfaritisfromthesublimetotheridiculous,hewouldtrytoexpressitincoin。ButIamtrespassinguponyourtimewiththesegeologicalstatisticsandhistoricalreflections。Iwillnotlongerkeepyoufromyourorgies。\'Tisarealpleasureformetobehere,andIthankyouforit。ThenameoftheSavageClubisassociatedinmymindwiththekindlyinterestandthefriendlyofficeswhichyoulavisheduponanoldfriendofminewhocameamongyouastranger,andyouopenedyourEnglishheartstohimandgavehimwelcomeandahome—ArtemusWard。Askingthatyouwilljoinme,Igiveyouhismemory。

PRINCETON

PRINCETON。

Mr。ClemensspentseveraldaysinMay,1901,inPrinceton,NewJersey,astheguestofLawrenceHutton。Hegaveareadingoneeveningbeforealargeaudiencecomposedofuniversitystudentsandprofessors。BeforethereadingMr。Clemenssaid:

IFEELexceedinglysurreptitiousincomingdownherewithoutanannouncementofanykind。Idonotwanttoseeanyadvertisementsaround,forthereasonthatI\'mnotalectureranylonger。I

reformedlongago,andIbreakoverandcommitthissinonlyjustonetimethisyear—andthatismoderate,Ithink,forapersonofmydisposition。ItisnotmypurposetolectureanymoreaslongasIlive。Ineverintendtostanduponaplatformanymore—unlessbytherequestofasherifforsomethinglikethat。

THEST。LOUISHARBOR—BOAT

"MARKTWAIN"。

TheCountessdeRochambeauchristenedtheSt。Louisharbor—boatMarkTwaininhonorofMr。ClemensJune6,19O2。Justbeforetheluncheonheactedaspilot。

"Lowerawaylead！"boomedoutthevoiceofthepilot。

"Marktwain,quarterfiveandone—half—sixfeet！"repliedtheleadsmanbelow。

"YouarealldeadsafeaslongasIhavethewheel—butthisismylasttimeatthewheel。"

AttheluncheonMr。Clemensmadeashortaddress。

FIRSTofall,no—secondofall—IwishtooffermythanksforthehonordonemebynamingthislastroseofsummeroftheMississippiValleyforme,thisboatwhichrepresentsaperishedinterest,whichI

fortifiedlongago,butdidnotsaveitslife。And,inthefirstplace,IwishtothanktheCountessdeRochambeauforthehonorshehasdonemeinpresidingatthischristening。

IbelievethatitispeculiarlyappropriatethatIshouldbeallowedtheprivilegeofjoiningmyvoicewiththegeneralvoiceofSt。

LouisandMissouriinwelcomingtotheMississippiValleyandthispartofthecontinenttheseillustriousvisitorsfromFrance。

WhenLaSallecamedownthisriveracenturyandaquarteragotherewasnothingonitsbanksbutsavages。Heopenedupthisgreatriver,andbyhissimpleactwasgatheredinthisgreatLouisianaterritory。Iwouldhavedoneitmyselfforhalfthemoney。

SEVENTIETHBIRTHDAY。

ADDRESSATADINNERGIVENBYCOLONELGEORGEHARVEY

ATDELMONICO\'S,DECEMBER5,1905,TOCELEBRATE

THESEVENTIETHANNIVERSARYOF

MR。CLEMENS\'BIRTH。

Mr。HowellsintroducedMr。Clemens:

"Now,ladiesandgentlemen,andColonelHarvey,Iwilltrynottobegreedyonyourbehalfinwishingthehealthofourhonoredand,inviewofhisgreatage,ourreveredguest。Iwillnotsay,\'OhKing,liveforever！\'but\'OhKing,liveaslongasyoulike！\'"[AmidgreatapplauseandwavingofnapkinsallriseanddrinktoMarkTwain。]

WELL,ifImadethatjoke,itisthebestoneIevermade,anditisintheprettiestlanguage,too。Inevercangetquitetothatheight。ButIappreciatethatjoke,andIshallrememberit—andI

shalluseitwhenoccasionrequires。

Ihavehadagreatmanybirthdaysinmytime。Irememberthefirstoneverywell,andIalwaysthinkofitwithindignation;everythingwassocrude,unaesthetic,primeval。Nothinglikethisatall。Noproperappreciativepreparationmade;nothingreallyready。Now,forapersonbornwithhighanddelicateinstincts—why,eventhecradlewasn\'twhitewashed—nothingreadyatall。Ihadn\'tanyhair,I

hadn\'tanyteeth,Ihadn\'tanyclothes,Ihadtogotomyfirstbanquetjustlikethat。Well,everybodycameswarmingin。Itwasthemerestlittlebitofavillage—hardlythat,justalittlehamlet,inthebackwoodsofMissouri,wherenothingeverhappened,andthepeoplewereallinterested,andtheyallcame;theylookedmeovertoseeiftherewasanythingfreshinmyline。Why,nothingeverhappenedinthatvillage—I—why,Iwastheonlythingthathadreallyhappenedthereformonthsandmonthsandmonths;AndalthoughIsayitmyselfthatshouldn\'t,Icamethenearesttobeingarealeventthathadhappenedinthatvillageinmorethantwoyears。Well,thosepeoplecame,theycamewiththatcuriositywhichissoprovincial,withthatfranknesswhichalsoissoprovincial,andtheyexaminedmeallaroundandgavetheiropinion。Nobodyaskedthem,andI

shouldn\'thavemindedifanybodyhadpaidmeacompliment,butnobodydid。Theiropinionswerealljustgreenwithprejudice,andI

feelthoseopinionstothisday。Well,Istoodthataslongas—

well,youknowIwasborncourteousandIstoodittothelimit。I

stooditanhour,andthenthewormturned。Iwastheworm;itwasmyturntoturn,andIturned。Iknewverywellthestrengthofmyposition;IknewthatIwastheonlyspotlesslypureandinnocentpersoninthatwholetown,andIcameoutandsaidso。Andtheycouldnotsayaword。Itwassotrue,Theyblushed;theywereembarrassed。Wellthatwasthefirstafter—dinnerspeechIevermade。Ithinkitwasafterdinner。

It\'salongstretchbetweenthatfirstbirthdayspeechandthisone。

Thatwasmycradle—song,andthisismyswan—song,Isuppose。Iamusedtoswan—songs;Ihavesungthemseveraltimes。

Thisismyseventiethbirthday,andIwonderifyouallrisetothesizeofthatproposition,realizingallthesignificanceofthatphrase,seventiethbirthday。

Theseventiethbirthday！Itisthetimeoflifewhenyouarriveatanewandawfuldignity;whenyoumaythrowasidethedecentreserveswhichhaveoppressedyouforagenerationandstandunafraidandunabasheduponyourseven—terracedsummitandlookdownandteach—

unrebuked。Youcantelltheworldhowyougotthere。Itiswhattheyalldo。Youshallnevergettiredoftellingbywhatdelicateartsanddeepmoralitiesyouclimbeduptothatgreatplace。Youwillexplaintheprocessanddwellontheparticularswithsenilerapture。Ihavebeenanxioustoexplainmyownsystemthislongtime,andnowatlastIhavetheright。

Ihaveachievedmyseventyyearsintheusualway:bystickingstrictlytoaschemeoflifewhichwouldkillanybodyelse。Itsoundslikeanexaggeration,butthatisreallythecommonruleforattainingtooldage。Whenweexaminetheprogrammeofanyofthesegarrulousoldpeoplewealwaysfindthatthehabitswhichhavepreservedthemwouldhavedecayedus;thatthewayoflifewhichenabledthemtoliveuponthepropertyoftheirheirssolong,asMr。Choatesays,wouldhaveputusoutofcommissionaheadoftime。

Iwillofferhere,asasoundmaxim,this:Thatwecan\'treacholdagebyanotherman\'sroad。

Iwillnowteach,offeringmywayoflifetowhomsoeverdesirestocommitsuicidebytheschemewhichhasenabledmetobeatthedoctorandthehangmanforseventyyears。Someofthedetailsmaysounduntrue,buttheyarenot。Iamnotheretodeceive;Iamheretoteach。

Wehavenopermanenthabitsuntilweareforty。Thentheybegintoharden,presentlytheypetrify,thenbusinessbegins。SincefortyI

havebeenregularaboutgoingtobedandgettingup—andthatisoneofthemainthings。Ihavemadeitaruletogotobedwhentherewasn\'tanybodylefttositupwith;andIhavemadeitaruletogetupwhenIhadto。Thishasresultedinanunswervingregularityofirregularity。Ithassavedmesound,butitwouldinjureanotherperson。

Inthematterofdiet—whichisanothermainthing—Ihavebeenpersistentlystrictinstickingtothethingswhichdidn\'tagreewithmeuntiloneortheotherofusgotthebestofit。UntillatelyIgotthebestofitmyself。ButlastspringIstoppedfrolickingwithmince—pieaftermidnight;uptothenIhadalwaysbelieveditwasn\'tloaded。ForthirtyyearsIhavetakencoffeeandbreadateightinthemorning,andnobitenorsupuntilseven—thirtyintheevening。Elevenhours。Thatisallrightforme,andiswholesome,becauseIhaveneverhadaheadacheinmylife,butheadachypeoplewouldnotreachseventycomfortablybythatroad,andtheywouldbefoolishtotryit。AndIwishtourgeuponyouthis—whichIthinkiswisdom—thatifyoufindyoucan\'tmakeseventybyanybutanuncomfortableroad,don\'tyougo。WhentheytakeoffthePullmanandretireyoutotherancidsmoker,putonyourthings,countyourchecks,andgetoutatthefirstwaystationwherethere\'sacemetery。

Ihavemadeitarulenevertosmokemorethanonecigaratatime。Ihavenootherrestrictionasregardssmoking。IdonotknowjustwhenIbegantosmoke,Ionlyknowthatitwasinmyfather\'slifetime,andthatIwasdiscreet。Hepassedfromthislifeearlyin1847,whenIwasashadepasteleven;eversincethenIhavesmokedpublicly。Asanexampletoothers,andnotthatIcareformoderationmyself,ithasalwaysbeenmyrulenevertosmokewhenasleep,andnevertorefrainwhenawake。Itisagoodrule。Imean,forme;butsomeofyouknowquitewellthatitwouldn\'tanswerforeverybodythat\'stryingtogettobeseventy。

IsmokeinbeduntilIhavetogotosleep;Iwakeupinthenight,sometimesonce,sometimestwice,sometimesthreetimes,andI

neverwasteanyoftheseopportunitiestosmoke。ThishabitissooldanddearandprecioustomethatIwouldfeelasyou,sir,wouldfeelifyoushouldlosetheonlymoralyou\'vegot—meaningthechairman—ifyou\'vegotone:Iammakingnocharges。Iwillgrant,here,thatIhavestoppedsmokingnowandthen,forafewmonthsatatime,butitwasnotonprinciple,itwasonlytoshowoff;itwastopulverizethosecriticswhosaidIwasaslavetomyhabitsandcouldn\'tbreakmybonds。

To—dayitisallofsixtyyearssinceIbegantosmokethelimit。

Ihaveneverboughtcigarswithlife—beltsaroundthem。Iearlyfoundthatthoseweretooexpensiveforme。Ihavealwaysboughtcheapcigars—reasonablycheap,atanyrate。Sixtyyearsagotheycostmefourdollarsabarrel,butmytastehasimproved,latterly,andI

paysevennow。Sixorseven。Seven,Ithink。Yes,it\'sseven。Butthatincludesthebarrel。Ioftenhavesmoking—partiesatmyhouse;butthepeoplethatcomehavealwaysjusttakenthepledge。Iwonderwhythatis？

Asfordrinking,Ihavenoruleaboutthat。WhentheothersdrinkIliketohelp;otherwiseIremaindry,byhabitandpreference。

Thisdrynessdoesnothurtme,butitcouldeasilyhurtyou,becauseyouaredifferent。Youletitalone。

SinceIwassevenyearsoldIhaveseldomtakenadoseofmedicine,andhavestillseldomerneededone。ButuptosevenI

livedexclusivelyonallopathicmedicines。NotthatIneededthem,forIdon\'tthinkIdid;itwasforeconomy;myfathertookadrug—storeforadebt,anditmadecod—liveroilcheaperthantheotherbreakfastfoods。Wehadninebarrelsofit,anditlastedmesevenyears。

Then。Iwasweaned。Therestofthefamilyhadtogetalongwithrhubarbandipecacandsuchthings,becauseIwasthepet。IwasthefirstStandardOilTrust。Ihaditall。Bythetimethedrugstorewasexhaustedmyhealthwasestablished,andtherehasneverbeenmuchthematterwith,mesince。Butyouknowverywellitwouldbefoolishfortheaveragechildtostartforseventyonthatbasis。Ithappenedtobejustthethingforme,butthatwasmerelyanaccident;

itcouldn\'thappenagaininacentury。

Ihavenevertakenanyexercise,exceptsleepingandresting,andIneverintendtotakeany。Exerciseisloathsome。Anditcannotbeanybenefitwhenyouaretired;andIwasalwaystired。Butletanotherpersontrymyway,andseewherehewillcomeout。

Idesirenowtorepeatandemphasizethatmaxim:Wecan\'treacholdagebyanotherman\'sroad。Myhabitsprotectmylife,buttheywouldassassinateyou。

Ihavelivedaseverelymorallife。Butitwouldbeamistakeforotherpeopletotrythat,orformetorecommendit。Veryfewwouldsucceed:youhavetohaveaperfectlycolossalstockofmorals;andyoucan\'tgetthemonamargin;youhavetohavethewholething,andputtheminyourbox。Moralsareanacquirement—likemusic,likeaforeignlanguage,likepiety,poker,paralysis—nomanisborn。

withthem。Iwasn\'tmyself,Istartedpoor。Ihadn\'tasinglemoral。

ThereishardlyamaninthishousethatispoorerthanIwasthen。

Yes,Istartedlikethat—theworldbeforeme,notamoralintheslot。Notevenaninsurancemoral。IcanrememberthefirstoneIevergot。Icanrememberthelandscape,theweather,the—Icanrememberhoweverythinglooked。Itwasanoldmoral,anoldsecond—handmoral,alloutofrepair,anddidn\'tfit,anyway。Butifyouarecarefulwithathinglikethat,andkeepitinadryplace,andsaveitforprocessions,andChautauquas,andWorld\'sFairs,andsoon,anddisinfectitnowandthen,andgiveitafreshcoatofwhitewashonceinawhile,youwillbesurprisedtoseehowwellshewilllastandhowlongshewillkeepsweet,oratleastinoffensive。WhenI

gotthatmouldyoldmoral,shehadstoppedgrowing,becauseshehadn\'tanyexercise;butIworkedherhard,IworkedherSundaysandall。

Underthiscultivationshewaxedinmightandstaturebeyondbelief,andservedmewellandwasmyprideandjoyforsixty—threeyears;

thenshegottoassociatingwithinsurancepresidents,andlostfleshandcharacter,andwasasorrowtolookatandnolongercompetentforbusiness。Shewasagreatlosstome。Yetnotallloss。Isoldher—ah,patheticskeleton,asshewas—IsoldhertoLeopold,thepirateKingofBelgium;hesoldhertoourMetropolitanMuseum,anditwasverygladtogether,forwithoutaragon,shestands57feetlongand16feethigh,andtheythinkshe\'sabrontosaur。Well,shelooksit。Theybelieveitwilltakenineteengeologicalperiodstobreedhermatch。

Moralsareofinestimablevalue,foreverymanisborncrammedwithsinmicrobes,andtheonlythingthatcanextirpatethesesinmicrobesismorals。NowyoutakeasterilizedChristian—Imean,youtakethesterilizedChristian,forthere\'sonlyone。Dearsir,I

wishyouwouldn\'tlookatmelikethat。

Threescoreyearsandten！

ItistheScripturalstatuteoflimitations。Afterthat,youowenoactiveduties;foryouthestrenuouslifeisover。Youareatime—expiredman,touseKipling\'smilitaryphrase:Youhaveservedyourterm,wellorlesswell,andyouaremusteredout。Youarebecomeanhonorarymemberoftherepublic,youareemancipated,compulsionsarenotforyou,notanybugle—callbut"lightsout。"Youpaythetime—worndutybillsifyouchoose,ordeclineifyouprefer—andwithoutprejudice—fortheyarenotlegallycollectable。

Theprevious—engagementplea,whichinfortyyearshascostyousomanytwinges,youcanlayasideforever;onthissideofthegraveyouwillneverneeditagain。Ifyoushrinkatthethoughtofnightandwinter,andthelatehome—comingfromthebanquetandthelightsandthelaughterthroughthedesertedstreets—adesolationwhichwouldnotremindyounow,asforagenerationitdid,thatyourfriendsaresleeping,andyoumustcreepina—tiptoeandnotdisturbthem,butwouldonlyremindyouthatyouneednottiptoe,youcanneverdisturbthemmore—ifyoushrinkatthoughtofthesethings,youneedonlyreply,"Yourinvitationhonorsme,andpleasesmebecauseyoustillkeepmeinyourremembrance,butIamseventy;seventy,andwouldnestleinthechimney—corner,andsmokemypipe,andreadmybook,andtakemyrest,wishingyouwellinallaffection,andthatwhenyouinyourreturnshallarriveatpierNo。70youmaystepaboardyourwaitingshipwithareconciledspirit,andlayyourcoursetowardthesinkingsunwithacontentedheart。