第4章

Iwouldstartinatoncetoelevate,purify,anddepopulatethered—lightdistrict。Iwouldassignthemostsoulfulpoetstothatdistrict,allheavilyarmedwiththeirpoems。TakeChaunceyDepewasasample。Iwouldstationthemonthecornersaftertheyhadroundedupallthedepravedpeopleofthedistrictsotheycouldnotescape,andthenhavethemreadfromtheirpoemstothepoorunfortunates。Theplanwouldbeveryeffectiveincausinganemigrationofthedepravedelement。

PUDD\'NHEADWILSONDRAMATIZED。

WhenMr。ClemensarrivedfromEuropein1895oneofthefirstthingshedidwastoseethedramatizationofPudd\'nheadWilson。TheaudiencebecomingawareofthefactthatMr。Clemenswasinthehousecalleduponhimforaspeech。

NEVERinmylifehaveIbeenabletomakeaspeechwithoutpreparation,andIassureyouthatthispositioninwhichIfindmyselfisonetotallyunexpected。

IhavebeenhemmedinalldaybyWilliamDeanHowellsandotherfrivolouspersons,andIhavebeentalkingabouteverythingintheworldexceptthatofwhichspeechesareconstructed。Then,too,sevendaysonthewaterisnotconducivetospeech—making。IwillonlysaythatIcongratulateMr。Mayhew;hehascertainlymadeadelightfulplayoutofmyrubbish。Hisisacharminggift。ConfidentiallyI

havealwayshadanideathatIwaswellequippedtowriteplays,butI

haveneverencounteredamanagerwhohasagreedwithme。

DALYTHEATRE。

ADDRESSATADINNERAFTERTHEONEHUNDREDTH

PERFORMANCEOF"THETAMINGOFTHESHREW。"

Mr。Clemensmadethefollowingspeech,whichheincorporatedafterwardinFollowingtheEquator。

IAMgladtobehere。ThisisthehardesttheatreinNewYorktogetinto,evenatthefrontdoor。Inevergotinwithouthardwork。Iamgladwehavegotsofarinatlast。TwoorthreeyearsagoIhadanappointmenttomeetMr。Dalyonthestageofthistheatreateighto\'clockintheevening。Well,IgotonatrainatHartfordtocometoNewYorkandkeeptheappointment。AllIhadtodowastocometothebackdoorofthetheatreonSixthAvenue。Ididnotbelievethat;IdidnotbelieveitcouldbeonSixthAvenue,butthatiswhatDaly\'snotesaid—cometothatdoor,walkrightin,andkeeptheappointment。Itlookedveryeasy。Itlookedeasyenough,butIhadnotmuchconfidenceintheSixthAvenuedoor。

Well,Iwaskindofboredonthetrain,andIboughtsomenewspapers—NewHavennewspapers—andtherewasnotmuchnewsinthem,soIreadtheadvertisements。Therewasoneadvertisementofabench—show。Ihadheardofbench—shows,andIoftenwonderedwhattherewasaboutthemtointerestpeople。Ihadseenbench—shows—

lecturedtobench—shows,infact—butIdidn\'twanttoadvertisethemortobragaboutthem。Well,Ireadonalittle,andlearnedthatabench—showwasnotabench—show—butdogs,notbenchesatall—

onlydogs。Ibegantobeinterested,andastherewasnothingelsetodoIreadeverybitoftheadvertisement,andlearnedthatthebiggestthinginthisshowwasaSt。Bernarddogthatweighedonehundredandforty—fivepounds。BeforeIgottoNewYorkIwassointerestedinthebench—showsthatImadeupmymindtogotoonethefirstchanceIgot。DownonSixthAvenue,nearwherethatbackdoormightbe,Ibegantotakethingsleisurely。Ididnotliketobeintoomuchofahurry。Therewasnotanythinginsightthatlookedlikeabackdoor。Thenearestapproachtoitwasacigarstore。SoI

wentinandboughtacigar,nottooexpensive,butitcostenoughtopayforanyinformationImightgetandleavethedealerafairprofit。Well,Ididnotliketobetooabrupt,tomakethemanthinkmecrazy,byaskinghimifthatwasthewaytoDaly\'sTheatre,soI

startedgraduallytoleaduptothesubject,askinghimfirstifthatwasthewaytoCastleGarden。WhenIgottotherealquestion,andhesaidhewouldshowmetheway,Iwasastonished。Hesentmethroughalonghallway,andIfoundmyselfinabackyard。ThenIwentthroughalongpassagewayandintoalittleroom,andtherebeforemyeyeswasabigSt。Bernarddoglyingonabench。TherewasanotherdoorbeyondandIwentthere,andwasmetbyabig,fiercemanwithafurcaponandcoatoff,whoremarked,"Phwatdoyezwant？"I

toldhimIwantedtoseeMr。Daly。"Yezcan\'tseeMr。Dalythistimeofnight,"heresponded。IurgedthatIhadanappointmentwithMr。

Daly,andgavehimmycard,whichdidnotseemtoimpresshimmuch。

"Yezcan\'tgetinandyezcan\'tshmokehere。Throwawaythatcigar。IfyezwanttoseeMr。Daly,yez\'llhavetobeaftergoingtothefrontdoorandbuyaticket,andthenifyezhaveluckandhe\'saroundthatwayyezmayseehim。"Iwasgettingdiscouraged,butIhadoneresourceleftthathadbeenofgoodserviceinsimilaremergencies。

FirmlybutkindlyItoldhimmynamewasMarkTwain,andIawaitedresults。Therewasnone。Hewasnotfazedabit。"Phwere\'syourordertoseeMr。Daly？"heasked。Ihandedhimthenote,andheexamineditintently。"Myfriend,"Iremarked,"youcanreadthatbetterifyouholdittheothersideup。"Buthetooknonoticeofthesuggestion,andfinallyasked:"Where\'sMr。Daly\'sname？""Thereitis,"Itoldhim,"onthetopofthepage。""That\'sallright,"hesaid,"that\'swherehealwaysputsit;butIdon\'tseethe\'W\'inhisname,"andheeyedmedistrustfully。Finallyheasked,"PhwatdoyezwanttoseeMr。Dalyfor？""Business。""Business？""Yes。"Itwasmyonlyhope。"Pwhatkind—theatres？"Thatwastoomuch。"No。""Whatkindofshows,then？""Bench—shows。"Itwasrisky,butIwasdesperate。"Bench—shows,isit—where？"Thebigman\'sfacechanged,andhebegantolookinterested。"NewHaven。""NewHaven,itis？Ah,that\'sgoingtobeafineshow。I\'mgladtoseeyou。Didyouseeabigdogintheotherroom？""Yes。""Howmuchdoyouthinkthatdogweighs？""Onehundredandforty—fivepounds。""Lookatthat,now！He\'sagoodjudgeofdogs,andnomistake。Heweighsallofonehundredandthirty—eight。Sitdownandshmoke—goonandshmokeyourcigar,I\'lltellMr。Dalyyouarehere。"InafewminutesIwasonthestageshakinghandswithMr。Daly,andthebigmanstandingaroundglowingwithsatisfaction。"Comearoundinfront,"saidMr。Daly,"andseetheperformance。Iwillputyouintomyownbox。"AndasImovedawayI

heardmyhonestfriendmutter,"Well,hedesarvesit。"

THEDRESSOFCIVILIZEDWOMAN。

ALARGEpartofthedaughterofcivilizationisherdress—asitshouldbe。Somecivilizedwomenwouldlosehalftheircharmwithoutdress,andsomewouldloseallofit。Thedaughterofmoderncivilizationdressedatherutmostbestisamarvelofexquisiteandbeautifulartandexpense。Allthelands,alltheclimes,andalltheartsarelaidundertributetofurnishherforth。HerlinenisfromBelfast,herrobeisfromParis,herlaceisfromVenice,orSpain,orFrance,herfeathersarefromtheremoteregionsofSouthernAfrica,herfursfromtheremoterregionoftheicebergandtheaurora,herfanfromJapan,herdiamondsfromBrazil,herbraceletsfromCalifornia,herpearlsfromCeylon,hercameosfromRome。ShehasgemsandtrinketsfromburiedPompeii,andothersthatgracedcomelyEgyptianformsthathavebeendustandashesnowforfortycenturies。HerwatchisfromGeneva,hercard—caseisfromChina,herhairisfrom—from—Idon\'tknowwhereherhairisfrom;Inevercouldfindout;thatis,herotherhair—herpublichair,herSundayhair;Idon\'tmeanthehairshegoestobedwith……

Andthatremindsmeofatrifle。AnytimeyouwanttoyoucanglancearoundthecarpetofaPullmancar,andgoandpickupahair—pin;butnottosaveyourlifecanyougetanywomaninthatcartoacknowledgethathair—pin。Now,isn\'tthatstrange？Butit\'strue。Thewomanwhohasneverswervedfromcast—ironveracityandfidelityinherwholelifewill,whenconfrontedwiththiscrucialtest,denyherhair—pin。Shewilldenythathair—pinbeforeahundredwitnesses。I

havestupidlygotintomoretroubleandmorehotwatertryingtohuntuptheownerofahair—pininaPullmanthanbyanyotherindiscretionofmylife。

DRESSREFORMANDCOPYRIGHT。

Whenthepresentcopyrightlawwasunderdiscussion,Mr。Clemensappearedbeforethecommittee。HehadsentSpeakerCannonthefollowingletter:

"DEARUNCLEJOSEPH,—PleasegetmethethanksofCongress,notnextweekbutrightaway。Itisverynecessary。Doaccomplishthisforyouraffectionateoldfriendrightaway—bypersuasionifyoucan,byviolenceifyoumust,foritisimperativelynecessarythatIgetontheflooroftheHousefortwoorthreehoursandtalktothemembers,manbyman,inbehalfofsupport,encouragement,andprotectionofoneofthenation\'smostvaluableassetsandindustries—

itsliterature。Ihaveargumentswithme—alsoabarrelwithliquidinit。

"Givemeachance。GetmethethanksofCongress。Don\'twaitforothers—thereisn\'ttime;furnishthemtomeyourselfandletCongressratifylater。IhavestayedawayandletCongressaloneforseventy—oneyearsandamentitledtothethanks。Congressknowsthisperfectlywell,andIhavelongfelthurtthatthisquiteproperandearnedexpressionofgratitudehasbeenmerelyfeltbytheHouseandneverpubliclyuttered。

"Sendmeanorderonthesergeant—at—armsquick。WhenshallIcome？

"Withloveandabenediction,"MARKTWAIN。"

Whilewaitingtoappearbeforethecommittee,Mr。Clemenstalkedtothereporters:

WHYdon\'tyouaskwhyIamwearingsuchapparentlyunseasonableclothes？I\'lltellyou。Ihavefoundthatwhenamanreachestheadvancedageofseventy—oneyears,asIhave,thecontinualsightofdarkclothingislikelytohaveadepressingeffectuponhim。

Light—coloredclothingismorepleasingtotheeyeandenlivensthespirit。Now,ofcourse,Icannotcompeleveryonetowearsuchclothingjustformyespecialbenefit,soIdothenextbestthingandwearitmyself。

Ofcourse,beforeamanreachesmyyearsthefearofcriticismmightpreventhimfromindulginghisfancy。Iamnotafraidofthat。Iamdecidedlyforpleasingcolorcombinationsindress。Iliketoseethewomen\'sclothes,say,attheopera。Whatcanbemoredepressingthanthesombreblackwhichcustomrequiresmentowearuponstateoccasions？Agroupofmenineveningclotheslookslikeaflockofcrows,andisjustaboutasinspiring。

Afterall,whatisthepurposeofclothing？Arenotclothesintendedprimarilytopreservedignityandalsotoaffordcomforttotheirwearer？NowIknowofnothingmoreuncomfortablethanthepresent—dayclothesofmen。Thefinestclothingmadeisaperson\'sownskin,but,ofcourse,societydemandssomethingmorethanthis。

Thebest—dressedmanIhaveeverseen,however,wasanativeoftheSandwichIslandswhoattractedmyattentionthirtyyearsago。Now,whenthatmanwantedtodonespecialdresstohonorapublicoccasionoraholiday,why,heoccasionallyputonapairofspectacles。OtherwisetheclothingwithwhichGodhadprovidedhimsufficed。

Ofcourse,Ihaveideasofdressreform。Foronething,whynotadoptsomeofthewomen\'sstyles？Goodnessknows,theyadoptenoughofours。Takethepeek—a—boowaist,forinstance。Ithastheobviousadvantagesofbeingcoolandcomfortable,andinadditionitisalmostalwaysmadeupinpleasingcolorswhichcheeranddonotdepress。

ItistruethatIdressedtheConnecticutYankeeatKingArthur\'sCourtinaplug—hat,but,let\'ssee,thatwastwenty—fiveyearsago。

Thennomanwasconsideredfullydresseduntilhedonnedaplug—hat。

NowadaysIthinkthatnomanisdresseduntilheleavesithome。

Why,whenIlefthomeyesterdaytheytrottedoutaplug—hatformetowear。

"Youmustwearit,"theytoldme;"why,justthinkofgoingtoWashingtonwithoutaplug—hat！"ButIsaidno;Iwouldwearaderbyornothing。Why,IbelieveIcouldwalkalongthestreetsofNewYork—

Ineverdo—butstillIthinkIcould—andIshouldneverseeawell—dressedmanwearingaplug—hat。IfIdidIshouldsuspecthimofsomething。Idon\'tknowjustwhat,butIwouldsuspecthim。

Why,whenIgotuponthesecondstoryofthatPennsylvaniaferry—boatcomingdownhereyesterdayIsawHowellscomingalong。Hewastheonlymanontheboatwithaplug—hat,andItellyouhefeltashamedofhimself。Hesaidhehadbeenpersuadedtowearitagainsthisbettersense。Butjustthinkofamannearlyseventyyearsoldwhohasnotamindofhisownonsuchmatters！

"Areyoudoinganyworknow？"theyoungestandmostseriousreporterasked。

Work？Iretiredfromworkonmyseventiethbirthday。SincethenI

havebeenputtinginmerelytwenty—sixhoursadaydictatingmyautobiography,which,asJohnPhoenixsaidinregardtohisautograph,mayberelieduponasauthentic,asitiswrittenexclusivelybyme。

ButitisnottobepublishedinfulluntilIamthoroughlydead。I

havemadeitascaustic,fiendish,anddevilishaspossible。Itwillfillmanyvolumes,andIshallcontinuewritingituntilthetimecomesformetojointheangels。Itisgoingtobeaterribleautobiography。Itwillmakethehairofsomefolkscurl。ButitcannotbepublisheduntilIamdead,andthepersonsmentionedinitandtheirchildrenandgrand—childrenaredead。Itissomethingawful！

"Canyoutellusthenamesofsomeofthenotablesthatareheretoseeyouoff？"

Idon\'tknow。Iamsoshy。Myshynesstakesapeculiarphase。I

neverlookapersonintheface。ThereasonisthatIamafraidtheymayknowmeandthatImaynotknowthem,whichmakesitveryembarrassingforbothofus。Ialwayswaitfortheotherpersontospeak。Iknowlotsofpeople,butIdon\'tknowwhotheyare。Itisallamatterofabilitytoobservethings。Ineverobserveanythingnow。I

gaveupthehabityearsago。Youshouldkeepahabitupifyouwanttobecomeproficientinit。Forinstance,Iwasapilotonce,butI

gaveitup,andIdonotbelievethecaptainoftheMinneapoliswouldletmenavigatehisshiptoLondon。Still,ifIthinkthatheisnotonthejobImaygouponthebridgeandofferhimafewsuggestions。

COLLEGEGIRLS。

Fivehundredundergraduates,undertheauspicesoftheWoman\'sUniversityClub,NewYork,welcomedMr。Clemensastheirguest,April3,1906,andgavehimthefreedomoftheclub,whichthechairmanexplainedwasfreedomtotalkindividuallytoanygirlpresent。

I\'VEworkedforthepublicgoodthirtyyears,sofortherestofmylifeIshallworkformypersonalcontentment。IamgladMissNeronhasfedme,forthereisnotellingwhatiniquityImightwanderintoonanemptystomach—Imean,anemptymind。

IamgoingtotellyouapracticalstoryabouthowonceuponatimeIwasblind—astoryIshouldhavebeenusingallthesemonths,butIneverthoughtabouttellingituntiltheothernight,andnowitistoolate,foronthenineteenthofthismonthIhopetotakeformalleaveoftheplatformforeveratCarnegieHall—thatis,takeleavesofarastalkingformoneyandforpeoplewhohavepaidmoneytohearmetalk。Ishallcontinuetoinfesttheplatformontheseconditions—

thatthereisnobodyinthehousewhohaspaidtohearme,thatIamnotpaidtobeheard,andthattherewillbenonebutyoungwomenstudentsintheaudience。[HereMr。Clemenstoldthestoryofhowhetookagirltothetheatrewhilehewaswearingtightboots,whichappearselsewhereinthisvolume,andendedbysaying:"Andnowletthisbealessontoyou—Idon\'tknowwhatkindofalesson;I\'llletyouthinkitout。"]

GIRLS。

INmycapacityofpublisherIrecentlyreceivedamanuscriptfromateacherwhichembodiedanumberofanswersgivenbyherpupilstoquestionspropounded。Theseanswersshowthatthechildrenhadnothingbutthesoundtogoby—thesensewasperfectlyempty。Herearesomeoftheiranswerstowordstheywereaskedtodefine:Auriferous—

pertainingtoanorifice;ammonia—thefoodofthegods;equestrian—

onewhoasksquestions;parasite—akindofumbrella;ipecac—amanwholikesagooddinner。Andhereisthedefinitionofanancientwordhonoredbyagreatparty:Republican—asinnermentionedintheBible。

Andhereisaninnocentdeliveranceofazoologicalkind:"Thereareagoodmanydonkeysinthetheologicalgardens。"Herealsoisadefinitionwhichreallyisn\'tverybadinitsway:Demagogue—avesselcontainingbeerandotherliquids。Here,too,isasampleofaboy\'scompositionongirls,which,Imustsay,Iratherlike:

"Girlsareverystuckupanddignifiedintheirmannerandbehaveyour。Theythinkmoreofdressthananythingandliketoplaywithdowlsandrags。Theycryiftheyseeacowinafardistanceandareafraidofguns。TheystayathomeallthetimeandgotochurcheverySunday。Theyareal—wayssick。Theyareal—waysfunyandmakingfunofboyshandsandtheysayhowdirty。Theycantplaymarbles。Ipitythempoorthings。Theymakefunofboysandthenturnroundandlovethem。Idon\'tbelavetheyeverkilledacatoranything。Theylookouteveryniteandsay,\'Oh,a\'ntthemoonlovely！\'ThirisonethingIhavenottoldandthatistheyal—waysnowtheirlessonsbetternboys。"

THELADIES。

DELIVEREDATTHEANNIVERSARYFESTIVAL,1872,OFTHESCOTTISHCORPORATIONOFLONDON

Mr。Clemensrepliedtothetoast"TheLadies。"

IAMproud,indeed,ofthedistinctionofbeingchosentorespondtothisespecialtoast,to"TheLadies,"ortowomenifyouplease,forthatisthepreferableterm,perhaps;itiscertainlytheolder,andthereforethemoreentitledtoreverence。IhavenoticedthattheBible,withthatplain,blunthonestywhichissuchaconspicuouscharacteristicoftheScriptures,isalwaysparticulartoneverrefertoeventheillustriousmotherofallmankindasa"lady,"butspeaksofherasawoman。Itisodd,butyouwillfinditisso。I

ampeculiarlyproudofthishonor,becauseIthinkthatthetoasttowomenisonewhich,byrightandbyeveryruleofgallantry,shouldtakeprecedenceofallothers—ofthearmy,ofthenavy,ofevenroyaltyitself—perhaps,thoughthelatterisnotnecessaryinthisdayandinthisland,forthereasonthat,tacitly,youdodrinkabroadgeneralhealthtoallgoodwomenwhenyoudrinkthehealthoftheQueenofEnglandandthePrincessofWales。Ihaveinmindapoemjustnowwhichisfamiliartoyouall,familiartoeverybody。Andwhataninspirationthatwas,andhowinstantlythepresenttoastrecallstheversestoallourmindswhenthemostnoble,themostgracious,thepurest,andsweetestofallpoetssays:

"Woman！Owoman！—er—

Wom—"

However,yourememberthelines;andyourememberhowfeelingly,howdaintily,howalmostimperceptiblytheversesraiseupbeforeyou,featurebyfeature,theidealofatrueandperfectwoman;andhow,asyoucontemplatethefinishedmarvel,yourhomagegrowsintoworshipoftheintellectthatcouldcreatesofairathingoutofmerebreath,merewords。Andyoucalltomindnow,asIspeak,howthepoet,withsternfidelitytothehistoryofallhumanity,deliversthisbeautifulchildofhisheartandhisbrainovertothetrialsandsorrowsthatmustcometoall,soonerorlater,thatabideintheearth,andhowthepatheticstoryculminatesinthatapostrophe—sowild,soregretful,sofullofmournfulretrospection。Thelinesrunthus:

"Alas！—alas！—a—alas！

——Alas！————alas！"

—andsoon。Idonotremembertherest;but,takentogether,itseemstomethatpoemisthenoblesttributetowomanthathumangeniushaseverbroughtforth—andIfeelthatifIweretotalkhoursI

couldnotdomygreatthemecompleterormoregracefuljusticethanIhavenowdoneinsimplyquotingthatpoet\'smatchlesswords。Thephasesofthewomanlynatureareinfiniteintheirvariety。Takeanytypeofwoman,andyoushallfindinitsomethingtorespect,somethingtoadmire,somethingtolove。Andyoushallfindthewholejoiningyouheartandhand。WhowasmorepatrioticthanJoanofArc？

Whowasbraver？Whohasgivenusagranderinstanceofself—sacrificingdevotion？Ah！youremember,yourememberwell,whatathrobofpain,whatagreattidalwaveofgriefsweptoverusallwhenJoanofArcfellatWaterloo。WhodoesnotsorrowforthelossofSappho,thesweet。singerofIsrael？Whoamongusdoesnotmissthegentleministrations,thesofteninginfluences,thehumblepietyofLucretiaBorgia？WhocanjoinintheheartlesslibelthatsayswomanisextravagantindresswhenhecanlookbackandcalltomindoursimpleandlowlymotherEvearrayedinhermodificationoftheHighlandcostume？Sir,womenhavebeensoldiers,womenhavebeenpainters,womenhavebeenpoets。AslongaslanguagelivesthenameofCleopatrawilllive。AndnotbecausesheconqueredGeorgeIII。—butbecauseshewrotethosedivinelines:

"Letdogsdelighttobarkandbite,ForGodhathmadethemso。"

Thestoryoftheworldisadornedwiththenamesofillustriousonesofourownsex—someofthemsonsofSt。Andrew,too—Scott,Bruce,Burns,thewarriorWallace,BenNevis—thegiftedBenLomond,andthegreatnewScotchman,BenDisraeli。*Outofthegreatplainsofhistorytowerwholemountainrangesofsublimewomen—theQueenofSheba,Josephine,Semiramis,SaireyGamp;thelistisendless—butI

willnotcallthemightyroll,thenamesriseupinyourownmemoriesatthemeresuggestion,luminouswiththegloryofdeedsthatcannotdie,hallowedbythelovingworshipofthegoodandthetrueofallepochsandallclimes。SufficeitforourprideandourhonorthatweinourdayhaveaddedtoitsuchnamesasthoseofGraceDarlingandFlorenceNightingale。Womanisallthatsheshouldbe—gentle,patient,long—suffering,trustful,unselfish,fullofgenerousimpulses。Itisherblessedmissiontocomfortthesorrowing,pleadfortheerring,encouragethefaintofpurpose,succorthedistressed,upliftthefallen,befriendthefriendless—inaword,affordthehealingofhersympathiesandahomeinherheartforallthebruisedandpersecutedchildrenofmisfortunethatknockatitshospitabledoor。AndwhenIsay,Godblessher,thereisnoneamonguswhohasknowntheennoblingaffectionofawife,orthesteadfastdevotionofamotherbutinhisheartwillsay,Amen！

*Mr。BenjaminDisraeli,atthattimePrimeMinisterofEngland,hadjustbeenelectedLordRectorofGlasgowUniversity,andhadmadeaspeechwhichgaverisetoaworldofdiscussion。

WOMAN\'SPRESSCLUB。

OnOctober27,1900,theNewYorkWoman\'sPressClubgaveateainCarnegieHall。Mr。Clemenswastheguestofhonor。

IFIwereaskedanopinionIwouldcallthisanungrammaticalnation。Thereisnosuchthingasperfectgrammar,andIdon\'talwaysspeakgoodgrammarmyself。ButIhavebeenforegatheringforthepastfewdayswithprofessorsofAmericanuniversities,andI\'veheardthemallsaythingslikethis:"Hedon\'tliketodoit。"

[Therewasastir。]Oh,you\'llhearthatto—nightifyoulisten,or,"Hewouldhavelikedtohavedoneit。"You\'llcatchsomeeducatedAmericanssayingthat。Whenthesementakepeninhandtheywritewithasgoodgrammarasany。Butthemomenttheythrowthepenasidetheythrowgrammaticalmoralsasidewithit。

Toillustratethedesirabilityandpossibilityofconcentration,I

musttellyouastoryofmylittlesix—year—olddaughter。Thegovernesshadbeenteachingheraboutthereindeer,and,asthecustomwas,sherelatedittothefamily。Shereducedthehistoryofthatreindeertotwoorthreesentenceswhenthegovernesscouldnothaveputitintoapage。Shesaid:"Thereindeerisaveryswiftanimal。

Areindeeroncedrewasledfourhundredmilesintwohours。"Sheappendedthecomment:"Thiswasregardedasextraordinary。"Andconcluded:"Whenthatreindeerwasdonedrawingthatsledfourhundredmilesintwohoursitdied。"

Asafinalinstanceoftheforceoflimitationsinthedevelopmentofconcentration,Imustmentionthatbeautifulcreature,HelenKeller,whomIhaveknownforthesemanyyears。Iamfilledwiththewonderofherknowledge,acquiredbecauseshutoutfromalldistraction。IfIcouldhavebeendeaf,dumb,andblindIalsomighthavearrivedatsomething。

VOTESFORWOMEN。

ATTHEANNUALMEETINGOFTHEHEBREWTECHNICAL

SCHOOLFORGIRLS,HELDINTHETEMPLE

EMMANUEL,JANUARY20,1901

Mr。ClemenswasintroducedbyPresidentMeyer,whosaid:"InoneofMr。Clemens\'sworksheexpressedhisopinionofmen,sayinghehadnochoicebetweenHebrewandGentile,blackmenorwhite;tohimallmenwerealike。ButInevercouldfindthatheexpressedhisopinionofwomen;perhapsthatopinionwassoexaltedthathecouldnotexpressit。Weshallnowbecalledtohearwhathethinksofwomen。"

LADIESANDGENTLEMEN,—ItisasmallhelpthatIcanafford,butitisjustsuchhelpthatonecangiveascomingfromtheheartthroughthemouth。ThereportofMr。Meyerwasadmirable,andIwasasinterestedinitasyouhavebeen。Why,I\'mtwiceasoldashe,andI\'vehadsomuchexperiencethatIwouldsaytohim,whenhemakeshisappealforhelp:"Don\'tmakeitforto—dayorto—morrow,butcollectthemoneyonthespot。"

Weareallcreaturesofsuddenimpulse。Wemustbeworkedupbysteam,asitwere。Getthemtowritetheirwillsnow,oritmaybetoolateby—and—by。FifteenortwentyyearsagoIhadanexperienceI

shallneverforget。Igotintoachurchwhichwascrowdedbyaswelteringandpantingmultitude。Thecitymissionaryofourtown—

Hartford—madeatellingappealforhelp。Hetoldofpersonalexperiencesamongthepoorincellarsandtoploftsrequiringinstancesofdevotionandhelp。Thepoorarealwaysgoodtothepoor。Whenapersonwithhismillionsgivesahundredthousanddollarsitmakesagreatnoiseintheworld,buthedoesnotmissit;it\'sthewidow\'smitethatmakesnonoisebutdoesthebestwork。

IrememberonthatoccasionintheHartfordchurchthecollectionwasbeingtakenup。TheappealhadsostirredmethatIcouldhardlywaitforthehatorplatetocomemyway。Ihadfourhundreddollarsinmypocket,andIwasanxioustodropitintheplateandwantedtoborrowmore。Buttheplatewassolongincomingmywaythatthefever—heatofbeneficencewasgoingdownlowerandlower—goingdownattherateofahundreddollarsaminute。Theplatewaspassedtoolate。Whenitfinallycametome,myenthusiasmhadgonedownsomuchthatIkeptmyfourhundreddollars—andstoleadimefromtheplate。So,yousee,timesometimesleadstocrime。

Oh,manyatimehaveIthoughtofthatandregrettedit,andI

adjureyoualltogivewhilethefeverisonyou。

Referringtowoman\'ssphereinlife,I\'llsaythatwomanisalwaysright。Fortwenty—fiveyearsI\'vebeenawoman\'srightsman。Ihavealwaysbelieved,longbeforemymotherdied,that,withhergrayhairsandadmirableintellect,perhapssheknewasmuchasIdid。PerhapssheknewasmuchaboutvotingasI。

Ishouldliketoseethetimecomewhenwomenshallhelptomakethelaws。Ishouldliketoseethatwhip—lash,theballot,inthehandsofwomen。Asforthiscity\'sgovernment,Idon\'twanttosaymuch,exceptthatitisashame—ashame;butifIshouldlivetwenty—fiveyearslonger—andthereisnoreasonwhyIshouldn\'t—IthinkI\'llseewomenhandletheballot。Ifwomenhadtheballotto—day,thestateofthingsinthistownwouldnotexist。

Ifallthewomeninthistownhadavoteto—daytheywouldelectamayoratthenextelection,andtheywouldriseintheirmightandchangetheawfulstateofthingsnowexistinghere。

WOMAN—ANOPINION。

ADDRESSATANEARLYBANQUETOFTHE

WASHINGTONCORRESPONDENTS\'CLUB。

Thetwelfthtoastwasasfollows:"Woman—Theprideofanyprofession,andthejewelofours。"

MR。PRESIDENT,—IdonotknowwhyIshouldbesingledouttoreceivethegreatestdistinctionoftheevening—forsotheofficeofreplyingtothetoastofwomanhasbeenregardedineveryage。IdonotknowwhyIhavereceivedthisdistinction,unlessitbethatIamatriflelesshomelythantheothermembersoftheclub。Butbethisasitmay,Mr。President,Iamproudoftheposition,andyoucouldnothavechosenanyonewhowouldhaveaccepteditmoregladly,orlaboredwithaheartiergood—willtodothesubjectjusticethanI—

because,sir,Ilovethesex。Iloveallthewomen,irrespectiveofageorcolor。

Humanintellectcannotestimatewhatweowetowoman,sir。Shesewsonourbuttons;shemendsourclothes;sheropesusinatthechurchfairs;sheconfidesinusshetellsuswhatevershecanfindoutaboutthelittleprivateaffairsoftheneighbors;shegivesusgoodadvice,andplentyofit;shesoothesourachingbrows;shebearsourchildren—oursasageneralthing。Inallrelationsoflife,sir,itisbutajustandgracefultributetowomantosayofherthatsheisabrick。

Wheresoeveryouplacewoman,sir—inwhateverpositionorestate—

sheisanornamenttotheplacesheoccupies,andatreasuretotheworld。[HereMr。Clemenspaused,lookedinquiringlyathishearers,andremarkedthattheapplauseshouldcomeinatthispoint。Itcamein。Heresumedhiseulogy。]LookatCleopatra！—lookatDesdemona！—

lookatFlorenceNightingale！—lookatJoanofArc！—lookatLucretiaBorgia！[Disapprobationexpressed。]Well[saidMr。Clemens,scratchinghishead,doubtfully],supposeweletLucretiaslide。

LookatJoyceHeth！—LookatMotherEve！Youneednotlookatherunlessyouwantto,but[saidMr。Clemens,reflectively,afterapause]Evewasornamental,sir—particularlybeforethefashionschanged。Irepeat,sir,lookattheillustriousnamesofhistory。LookattheWidowMachree！—LookatLucyStone！—lookatElizabethCadyStanton！—LookatGeorgeFrancisTrain！And,sir,Isayitwithbowedheadanddeepestveneration—lookatthemotherofWashington！