第14章

WhenIstartedtowritethisnotemywifecameupandstoodlookingovermyshoulder。Womenalwayswanttoknowwhatisgoingon。Saidshe:"Shouldnotthatreadinthethirdperson？"Iconcededthatitshould,putasidewhatIwaswriting,andcommencedoveragain。Thatseemedtosatisfyher,andsoshesatdownandletmeproceed。Ithenfinishedmyfirstnote—andsosentwhatIintended。I

nevercouldhavedonethisifIhadletmywifeknowthetruthaboutit。HereiswhatIwrote:

TOTHEOHIOSOCIETY,—Ihaveatthismomentreceivedamostkindinvitation（elevendaysold）fromMr。Southard,president;andalikeone（tendaysold）fromMr。Bryant,presidentofthePressClub。Ithankthesocietycordiallyforthecomplimentoftheseinvitations,althoughIambookedelsewhereandcannotcome。

But,oh,IshouldliketoknowthenameoftheLightningExpressbywhichtheywereforwarded;forIoweafriendadozenchickens,andIbelieveitwillbecheapertosendeggsinstead,andletthemdevelopontheroad。

Sincerelyyours,MARKTWAIN。

Iwanttotellyouofsomeofmyexperiencesinbusiness,andthenI

willbeinapositiontolaydownonegeneralrulefortheguidanceofthosewhowanttosucceedinbusiness。Myfirsteffortwasabouttwenty—fiveyearsago。Itookholdofaninvention—Idon\'tknownowwhatitwasallabout,butsomeonecametomeandtoldmeitwasagoodthing,andthattherewaslotsofmoneyinit。Hepersuadedmetoinvest$15,000,andIliveduptomybeliefsbyengagingamantodevelopit。Tomakealongstoryshort,Isunk$40,000init。

ThenItookupthepublicationofabook。Icalledinapublisherandsaidtohim:"IwantyoutopublishthisbookalonglineswhichIshalllaydown。Iamtheemployer,andyouaretheemployee。Iamgoingtoshowthemsomenewkinksinthepublishingbusiness。AndI

wantyoutodrawonmeformoneyasyougoalong,"whichhedid。Hedrewonmefor$56,000。ThenIaskedhimtotakethebookandcallitoff。Butherefusedtodothat。

Mynextventurewaswithamachinefordoingsomethingorother。I

knewlessaboutthatthanIdidabouttheinvention。ButIsunk$170,000inthebusiness,andIcan\'tforthelifeofmerecollectwhatitwasthemachinewastodo。

Iwasstillundismayed。Yousee,oneofthestrongpointsaboutmybusinesslifewasthatInevergaveup。IundertooktopublishGeneralGrant\'sbook,andmade$140,000insixmonths。Myaxiomis,tosucceedinbusiness:avoidmyexample。

CARNEGIETHEBENEFACTOR。

AtthedinnergiveninhonorofAndrewCarnegiebytheLotosClub,March17,1909,Mr。Clemensappearedinawhitesuitfromheadtofeet。Heworeawhitedouble—breastedcoat,whitetrousers,andwhiteshoes。Theonlyreliefwasabigblackcigar,whichheconfidentiallyinformedthecompanywasnotfromhisusualstackboughtat$3perbarrel。

THEStateofMissourihasforitscoatofarmsabarrel—headwithtwoMissourians,oneoneachsideofit,andmarkthemotto—"UnitedWeStand,DividedWeFall。"Mr。Carnegie,thisevening,hassufferedfromcompliments。Itisinterestingtohearwhatpeoplewillsayaboutaman。Why,atthebanquetgivenbythisclubinmyhonor,Mr。

Carnegiehadtheinspirationforwhichtheclubisnowhonoringhim。

IfDunfermlinecontributedsomuchtotheUnitedStatesincontributingMr。Carnegie,whatwouldhavehappenedifallScotlandhadturnedout？TheseDunfermlinefolkhaveacquiredadvantagesincomingtoAmerica。

DoctorMcKelwaypaidthetopcompliment,thecumulation,whenhesaidofMr。Carnegie:"Thereisamanwhowantstopaymoretaxesthanheischarged。"RichardWatsonGilderdidverywellforapoet。Headvertisedhismagazine。HespokeofhiringMr。Carnegie—thenextthinghewillbetryingtohireme。

IfIundertooktopaycomplimentsIwoulddoitstrongerthananyothershavedoneit,forwhatMr。Carnegiewantsarestrongcompliments。Now,theothersideofseventy,Ihavepreserved,asmychiefestvirtue,modesty。

ONPOETRY,VERACITY,ANDSUICIDE。

ADDRESSATADINNEROFTHEMANHATTANDICKENSFELLOWSHIP,NEWYORKCITY,FEBRUARY7,1906。

Thisdinnerwasincommemorationoftheninety—fourthanniversaryofthebirthofCharlesDickens。OnanotheroccasionMr。ClemenstoldthesamestorywithvariationsandadifferentconclusiontotheUniversitySettlementSociety。

IALWAYShadtakenaninterestinyoungpeoplewhowantedtobecomepoets。IrememberIwasparticularlyinterestedinonebuddingpoetwhenIwasareporter。HisnamewasButter。

Onedayhecametomeandsaid,disconsolately,thathewasgoingtocommitsuicide—hewastiredoflife,notbeingabletoexpresshisthoughtsinpoeticform。ButteraskedmewhatIthoughtoftheidea。

IsaidIwould;thatitwasagoodidea。"Youcandomeafriendlyturn。Yougooffinaprivateplaceanddoitthere,andI\'llgetitall。Youdoit,andI\'lldoasmuchforyousometime。"

Atfirsthedeterminedtodrownhimself。Drowningissoniceandclean,andwritesupsowellinanewspaper。

Butthingsne\'erdogosmoothlyinweddings,suicides,orcourtships。Onlythereattheedgeofthewater,whereButterwastoendhimself,layalife—preserver—abigroundcanvasone,whichwouldfloatafterthescrap—ironwassoakedoutofit。

Butterwouldn\'tkillhimselfwiththelife—preserverinsight,andsoIhadanidea。Itookittoapawnshop,andsoakeditforarevolver。Thepawnbrokerdidn\'tthinkmuchoftheexchange,butwhenI

explainedthesituationheacquiesced。Wewentupontopofahighbuilding,andthisiswhathappenedtothepoet:

Heputtherevolvertohisforeheadandblewatunnelstraightthroughhishead。Thetunnelwasaboutthesizeofyourfinger。Youcouldlookrightthroughit。Thejobwascomplete;therewasnothinginit。

Well,afterthatthatmannevercouldwriteprose,buthecouldwritepoetry。Hecouldwriteitafterhehadblownhisbrainsout。

Thereislotsofthattalentalloverthecountry,butthetroubleistheydon\'tdevelopit。

IamsufferingnowfromthefactthatI,whohavetoldthetruthagoodmanytimesinmylife,havelatelyreceivedmorelettersthananybodyelseurgingmetoleadarighteouslife。Ihavemorefriendswhowanttoseemedeveloponahighlevelthananybodyelse。

YoungJohnD。Rockefeller,twoweeksago,taughthisBibleclassallaboutveracity,andwhyitwasbetterthateverybodyshouldalwayskeepaplentifulsupplyonhand。SomeofthelettersIhavereceivedsuggestthatIoughttoattendhisclassandlearn,too。Why,IknowMr。Rockefeller,andheisagoodfellow。HeiscompetentinmanywaystoteachaBibleclass,butwhenitcomestoveracityheisonlythirty—fiveyearsold。I\'mseventyyearsold。Ihavebeenfamiliarwithveracitytwiceaslongashe。

AndthestoryaboutGeorgeWashingtonandhislittlehatchethasalsobeensuggestedtomeintheseletters—inafugitiveway,asifI

neededsomeofGeorgeWashingtonandhishatchetinmyconstitution。

Why,dearme,theyoverlooktherealpointinthatstory。Thepointisnottheonethatisusuallysuggested,andyoucanreadilyseethat。

ThepointisnotthatGeorgesaidtohisfather,"Yes,father,Icutdownthecheery—tree;Ican\'ttellalie,"butthatthelittleboy—

onlysevenyearsold—shouldhavehissagacitydevelopedundersuchcircumstances。Hewasaboywisebeyondhisyears。Hisconductthenwasaprophecyoflateryears。Yes,Ithinkhewasthemostremarkablemanthecountryeverproduced—uptomytime,anyway。

Nowthen,littleGeorgerealizedthatcircumstantialevidencewasagainsthim。Heknewthathisfatherwouldknowfromthesizeofthechipsthatnofull—grownhatchetcutthattreedown,andthatnomanwouldhavehaggleditso。Heknewthathisfatherwouldsendaroundtheplantationandinquireforasmallboywithahatchet,andhehadthewisdomtocomeoutandconfessit。Now,theideathathisfatherwasoverjoyedwhenhetoldlittleGeorgethathewouldratherhavehimcutdownathousandcheery—treesthantellalieisallnonsense。Whatdidhereallymean？Why,thathewasabsolutelyastonishedthathehadasonwhohadthechancetotellalieanddidn\'t。

IadmireoldGeorge—ifthatwashisname—forhisdiscernment。Heknewwhenhesaidthathissoncouldn\'ttellaliethathewasstretchingitagooddeal。Hewouldn\'thavetogotoJohnD。

Rockefeller\'sBibleclasstofindthatout。ThewaytheoldGeorgeWashingtonstorygoesdownitdoesn\'tdoanybodyanygood。Itonlydiscouragespeoplewhocan—tellalie。

WELCOMEHOME。

ADDRESSATTHEDINNERINHISHONORATTHE

LOTOSCLUB,NOVEMBER10,1900。

InAugust,1895,justbeforesailingforAustralia,Mr。Clemensissuedthefollowingstatement:

"IthasbeenreportedthatIsacrificed,forthebenefitofthecreditors,thepropertyofthepublishingfirmwhosefinancialbackerIwas,andthatIamnowlecturingformyownbenefit。

"Thisisanerror。Iintendthelectures,aswellastheproperty,forthecreditors。Thelawrecognizesnomortgageonaman\'sbrains,andamerchantwhohasgivenupallhehasmaytakeadvantageofthelawsofinsolvencyandmaystartfreeagainforhimself。ButIamnotabusinessman,andhonorisahardermasterthanthelaw。Itcannotcompromiseforlessthanonehundredcentsonadollar,anditsdebtsareneveroutlawed。

"Ihadatwo—thirdsinterestinthepublishingfirmwhosecapitalIfurnished。IfthefirmhadprosperedIwouldhaveexpectedtocollecttwo—thirdsoftheprofits。Asitis,Iexpecttopayallthedebts。Mypartnerhasnoresources,andIdonotlookforassistancetomywife,whosecontributionsincashfromherownmeanshavenearlyequalledtheclaimsofallthecreditorscombined。Shehastakennothing;onthecontrary,shehashelpedandintendstohelpmetosatisfytheobligationsduetotherestofthecreditors。

"Itismyintentiontoaskmycreditorstoacceptthatasalegaldischarge,andtrusttomyhonortopaytheotherfiftypercent。asfastasIcanearnit。Frommyreceptionthusfaronmylecturingtour,IamconfidentthatifIliveIcanpayoffthelastdebtwithinfouryears。

"Afterwhich,attheageofsixty—four,Icanmakeafreshandunincumberedstartinlife。IamgoingtoAustralia,India,andSouthAfrica,andnextyearIhopetomakeatourofthegreatcitiesoftheUnitedStates。"

ITHANKyoualloutofmyheartforthisfraternalwelcome,anditseemsalmosttoofine,almosttoomagnificent,forahumbleMissouriansuchasIam,farfromhisnativehauntsonthebanksoftheMississippi;yetmymodestyisinadegreefortifiedbyobservingthatIamnottheonlyMissourianwhohasbeenhonoredhereto—night,forI

seeatthisverytable—hereisaMissourian[indicatingMr。

McKelway],andthereisaMissourian[indicatingMr。Depew],andthereisanotherMissourian—andHendrixandClemens;andlastbutnotleast,thegreatestMissourianofthemall—herehesits—TomReed,whohasalwaysconcealedhisbirthtillnow。AndsinceIhavebeenawayIknowwhathasbeenhappeninginhiscase:hehasdesertedpolitics,andnowisleadingacreditablelife。Hehasreformed,andGodprosperhim;andIjudge,byaremarkwhichhemadeup—stairsawhileago,thathehadfoundanewbusinessthatisutterlysuitedtohismakeandconstitution,andallheisdoingnowisthatheisaroundraisingtheaverageofpersonalbeauty。

ButIamgratefultothepresidentforthekindwordswhichhehassaidofme,anditisnotformetosaywhetherthesepraisesweredeservedornot。Iprefertoacceptthemjustastheystand,withoutconcerningmyselfwiththestatisticsuponwhichtheyhavebeenbuilt,butonlywiththatlargematter,thatessentialmatter,thegood—fellowship,thekindliness,themagnanimity,andgenerositythatpromptedtheirutterance。Well,manythingshavehappenedsinceI

satherebefore,andnowthatIthinkofit,thepresident\'sreferencetothedebtswhichwereleftbythebankruptfirmofCharlesL。

Webster&Co。givesmeanopportunitytosayawordwhichIverymuchwishtosay,notformyself,butforninety—fivemenandwomenwhomIshallalwaysholdinhighesteemandinpleasantremembrance—

thecreditorsofthatfirm。Theytreatedmewell;theytreatedmehandsomely。Therewereninety—sixofthem,andbynotafinger\'sweightdidninety—fiveofthemaddtotheburdenofthattimeforme。Ninety—fiveoutoftheninety—six—theydidn\'tindicatebyanywordorsignthattheywereanxiousabouttheirmoney。Theytreatedmewell,andIshallnotforgetit;IcouldnotforgetitifIwantedto。

Manyofthemsaid,"Don\'tyouworry,don\'tyouhurry";that\'swhattheysaid。Why,ifIcouldhavethatkindofcreditorsalways,andthatexperience,Iwouldrecognizeitasapersonallosstobeoutofdebt。Iowethoseninety—fivecreditorsadebtofhomage,andIpayitnowinsuchmeasureasonemaypaysofineadebtinmerewords。

Yes,theysaidthatverything。Iwasnotpersonallyacquaintedwithtenofthem,andyettheysaid,"Don\'tyouworry,anddon\'tyouhurry。"Iknowthatphrasebyheart,andifalltheothermusicshouldperishoutoftheworlditwouldstillsingtome。Iappreciatethat;Iamgladtosaythisword;peoplesaysomuchaboutme,andtheyforgetthosecreditors。TheywerehandsomerthanIwas—orTomReed。

Oh,youhavebeendoingmanythingsinthistimethatIhavebeenabsent;youhavedonelotsofthings,somethatarewellworthremembering,too。Now,wehavefoughtarighteouswarsinceIhavegone,andthatisrareinhistory—arighteouswarissorarethatitisalmostunknowninhistory;butbythegraceofthatwarwesetCubafree,andwejoinedhertothosethreeorfournationsthatexistonthisearth;andwestartedouttosetthosepoorFilipinosfree,too,andwhy,why,whythatmostrighteouspurposeofourshasapparentlymiscarriedIsupposeInevershallknow。

ButwehavemadeamostcreditablerecordinChinainthesedays—

oursoundandlevel—headedadministrationhasmadeamostcreditablerecordoverthere,andtherearesomeofthePowersthatcannotsaythatbyanymeans。TheYellowTerroristhreateningthisworldto—day。

Itisloomingvastandominousonthatdistanthorizon。IdonotknowwhatisgoingtobetheresultofthatYellowTerror,butourgovernmenthashadnohandinevokingit,andlet\'sbehappyinthatandproudofit。

Wehavenursedfreesilver,wewatchedbyitscradle;wehavedonethebestwecouldtoraisethatchild,butthosepestiferousRepublicanshave—well,theykeepgivingitthemeasleseverychancetheyget,andwenevershallraisethatchild。Well,that\'snomatter—

there\'splentyofotherthingstodo,andwemustthinkofsomethingelse。Well,wehavetriedaPresidentfouryears,criticisedhimandfoundfaultwithhimthewholetime,andturnedaroundadayortwoagowithvotesenoughtosparetoelectanother。Oconsistency！

consistency！thyname—Idon\'tknowwhatthynameis—Thompsonwilldo—anynamewilldo—butyouseethereisthefact,thereistheconsistency。ThenwehavetriedforgovernoranillustriousRoughRider,andwelikedhimsomuchinthatgreatofficethatnowwehavemadehimVice—President—notinorderthatthatofficeshallgivehimdistinction,butthathemayconferdistinctionuponthatoffice。Andit\'sneeded,too—it\'sneeded。Andnow,forawhileanyway,weshallnotbestammeringandembarrassedwhenastrangerasksus,"WhatisthenameoftheVice—President？"Thisoneisknown;thisoneisprettywellknown,prettywidelyknown,andinsomequartersfavorably。Iamnotaccustomedtodealinginthesefulsomecompliments,andIamprobablyoverdoingitalittle;but—well,myoldaffectionateadmirationforGovernorRoosevelthasprobablybetrayedmeintothecomplimentaryexcess;butIknowhim,andyouknowhim;andifyougivehimropeenough—Imeanif—ohyes,hewilljustifythatcompliment;leaveitjustasitis。AndnowwehaveputinhisplaceMr。Odell,anotherRoughRider,Isuppose;allthefatthingsgotothatprofessionnow。Why,IcouldhavebeenaRoughRidermyselfifIhadknownthatthispoliticalKlondikewasgoingtoopenup,andIwouldhavebeenaRoughRiderifIcouldhavegonetowaronanautomobile—butnotonahorse！No,Iknowthehorsetoowell;Ihaveknownthehorseinwarandinpeace,andthereisnoplacewhereahorseiscomfortable。Thehorsehastoomanycaprices,andheistoomuchgiventoinitiative。Heinventstoomanynewideas。No,Idon\'twantanythingtodowithahorse。

AndthenwehavetakenChaunceyDepewoutofausefulandactivelifeandmadehimaSenator—embalmedhim,corkedhimup。AndIamnotgrieving。Thatmanhassaidmanyatruethingaboutmeinhistime,andIalwayssaidsomethingwouldhappentohim。Lookatthat[pointingtoMr。Depew]gildedmummy！Hehasmademylifeasorrowtomeatmanyabanquetonbothsidesoftheocean,andnowhehasgotit。Perishthehandthatpullsthatcork！

Allthesethingshavehappened,allthesethingshavecometopass,whileIhavebeenaway,anditjustshowshowlittleaMugwumpcanbemissedinacold,unfeelingworld,evenwhenheisthelastonethatisleft—aGRANDOLDPARTYallbyhimself。Andthereisanotherthingthathashappened,perhapsthemostimposingeventofthemall:theinstitutioncalledtheDaughtersoftheCrown—theDaughtersoftheRoyalCrown—hasestablisheditselfandgoneintobusiness。Now,there\'sanAmericanideaforyou;there\'sanideabornofGodknowswhatkindofspecializedinsanity,butnotsofteningofthebrain—youcannotsoftenathingthatdoesn\'texist—theDaughtersoftheRoyalCrown！NobodyeligiblebutAmericandescendantsofCharlesII。Dearme,howthefancyproductofthatoldharemstillholdsout！

Well,Iamtrulygladtoforegatherwithyouagain,andpartakeofthebreadandsaltofthishospitablehouseoncemore。Sevenyearsago,whenIwasyourguesthere,whenIwasoldanddespondent,yougavemethegripandthewordthatliftamanupandmakehimgladtobealive;andnowIcomebackfrommyexileyoungagain,freshandalive,andreadytobeginlifeoncemore,andyourwelcomeputsthefinishingtouch。uponmyrestoredyouthandmakesitrealtome,andnotagraciousdreamthatmustvanishwiththemorning。Ithankyou。

ANUNDELIVEREDSPEECH。

ThesteamshipSt。PaulwastohavebeenlaunchedfromCramp\'sshipyardinPhiladelphiaonMarch25,1895。Afterthelaunchingaluncheonwastohavebeengiven,atwhichMr。Clemenswastomakeaspeech。JustbeforethefinalwordwasgivenareporteraskedMr。

Clemensforacopyofhisspeechtobedeliveredattheluncheon。Tofacilitatetheworkofthereporterheloanedhimatypewrittencopyofthespeech。Ithappened,however,thatwhentheblockswereknockedawaythebigshiprefusedtobudge,andnoamountoflaborcouldmoveheraninch。Shehadstuckfastupontheways。Asaresult,thelaunchingwaspostponedforaweekortwo;butinthemeantimeMr。

ClemenshadgonetoEurope。YearsafterareportercalledonMr。

Clemensandsubmittedthemanuscriptofthespeech,whichwasasfollows:

DAYafterto—morrowIsailforEnglandinashipofthisline,theParis。Itwillbemyfourteenthcrossinginthreeyearsandahalf。

Therefore,mypresencehere,asyousee,isquitenatural,quitecommercial。Iaminterestedinships。Theyinterestmemorenowthanhotelsdo。WhenanewshipislaunchedIfeeladesiretogoandseeifshewillbegoodquartersformetolivein,particularlyifshebelongstothisline,foritisbythislinethatIhavedonemostofmyferrying。

PeoplewonderwhyIgosomuch。Well,Igopartlyformyhealth,partlytofamiliarizemyselfwiththeroad。IhavegoneoverthesameroadsomanytimesnowthatIknowallthewhalesthatbelongalongtheroute,andlatterlyitisanembarrassmenttometomeetthem,fortheydonotlookgladtoseeme,butannoyed,andtheyseemtosay:"Hereisthisoldderelictagain。"

Earlierinlifethiswouldhavepainedmeandmademeashamed,butI

amoldernow,andwhenIambehavingmyself,anddoingright,Idonotcareforawhale\'sopinionaboutme。Whenweareyoungwegenerallyestimateanopinionbythesizeofthepersonthatholdsit,butlaterwefindthatthatisanuncertainrule,forwerealizethattherearetimeswhenahornet\'sopiniondisturbsusmorethananemperor\'s。

IdonotmeanthatIcarenothingatallforawhale\'sopinion,forthatwouldbegoingtotoogreatalength。Ofcourse,itisbettertohavethegoodopinionofawhalethanhisdisapproval;butmypositionisthatifyoucannothaveawhale\'sgoodopinion,exceptatsomesacrificeofprincipleorpersonaldignity,itisbettertotrytolivewithoutit。Thatismyideaaboutwhales。

Yes,IhavegoneoverthatsameroutesooftenthatIknowmywaywithoutacompass,justbythewaves。Iknowallthelargewavesandagoodmanyofthesmallones。Alsothesunsets。Iknoweverysunsetandwhereitbelongsjustbyitscolor。Necessarily,then,Idonotmakethepassagenowforscenery。Thatisallgoneby。

WhatIprizemostissafety,andinthesecondplaceswifttransitandhandiness。ThesearebestfurnishedbytheAmericanline,whosewatertightcompartmentshavenopassagethroughthem,nodoorstobeleftopen,andconsequentlynowayforwatertogetfromoneofthemtoanotherintimeofcollision。Ifyounullifytheperilwhichcollisionsthreatenyouwith,younullifytheonlyveryseriousperilwhichattendsvoyagesinthegreatlinersofourday,andmakesvoyagingsaferthanstayingathome。

WhenthePariswashalf—torntopiecessomeyearsago,enoughoftheAtlanticebbedandflowedthroughoneendofher,duringherlongagony,tosinkthefleetsoftheworldifdistributedamongthem;

butshefloatedinperfectsafety,andnolifewaslost。IntimeofcollisiontherockofGibraltarisnotsaferthantheParisandothergreatshipsofthisline。Thisseemstobetheonlygreatlineintheworldthattakesapassengerfrommetropolistometropoliswithouttheinterventionoftugsandbargesorbridges—takeshimthroughwithoutbreakingbulk,sotospeak。

OntheEnglishsidehelandsatadock;onthedockaspecialtrainiswaiting;inanhourandthree—quartersheisinLondon。

Nothingcouldbehandier。Ifyourjourneywerefromasand—pitonoursidetoalighthouseontheother,youcouldmakeitquickerbyotherlines,butthatisnotthecase。ThejourneyisfromthecityofNewYorktothecityofLondon,andnolinecandothatjourneyquickerthanthisone,noranywherenearasconvenientlyandhandily。AndwhenthepassengerlandsonoursidehelandsontheAmericansideoftheriver,notintheprovinces。Asaverylearnedmansaidonthelastvoyage（heisheadquartermasteroftheNewYorklandgarboardstreakofthemiddlewatch）:"WhenwelandapassengerontheAmericansidethere\'snothingbetwixhimandhishotelbuthellandthehackman。"

Iamglad,withyouandthenation,towelcomethenewship。Sheisanotherpride,anotherconsolation,foragreatcountrywhosemightyfleetshaveallvanished,andwhichhasalmostforgottenwhatitistoflyitsflagtosea。IamnotsureastowhichSt。Paulsheisnamedfor。SomethinkitistheonethatisontheupperMississippi,buttheheadquartermastertoldmeitwastheonethatkilledGoliath。Butitisnotimportant。Nomatterwhichitis,letusgiveherheartywelcomeandgodspeed。

SIXTY—SEVENTHBIRTHDAY。

ATTHEMETROPOLITANCLUB,NEWYORK,NOVEMBER28,1902。

AddressatadinnergiveninhonorofMr。ClemensbyColonelHarvey,PresidentofHarper&Brothers。

ITHINKIoughttobeallowedtotalkaslongasIwantto,forthereasonthatIhavecancelledallmywinter\'sengagementsofeverykind,forgoodandsufficientreasons,andammakingnonewengagementsforthiswinter,and,therefore,thisistheonlychanceI

shallhavetodisembowelmyskullforayear—closethemouthinthatportraitforayear。Iwanttoofferthanksandhomagetothechairmanforthisinnovationwhichhehasintroducedhere,whichisanimprovement,asIconsiderit,ontheold—fashionedstyleofconductingoccasionslikethis。Thatwasbad—thatwasabad,bad,badarrangement。Underthatoldcustomthechairmangotupandmadeaspeech,heintroducedtheprisoneratthebar,andcoveredhimalloverwithcompliments,nothingbutcompliments,notathingbutcompliments,neveraslur,andsatdownandleftthatmantogetupandtalkwithoutatext。Youcannottalkoncompliments;thatisnotatext。Nomodestperson,andIwasbornone,cantalkoncompliments。A

mangetsupandisfilledtotheeyeswithhappyemotions,buthistongueistied;hehasnothingtosay;heisintheconditionofDoctorRice\'sfriendwhocamehomedrunkandexplainedittohiswife,andhiswifesaidtohim,"John,whenyouhavedrunkallthewhiskeyyouwant,yououghttoaskforsarsaparilla。"Hesaid,"Yes,butwhenIhavedrunkallthewhiskeyIwantIcan\'tsaysarsaparilla。"

AndsoIthinkitismuchbettertoleaveamanunmolesteduntilthetestimonyandpleadingsareallin。Otherwiseheisdumb—heisatthesarsaparillastage。

BeforeIgettothehiggledy—piggledypoint,asMr。HowellssuggestedIdo,Iwanttothankyou,gentlemen,forthisveryhighhonoryouaredoingme,andIamquitecompetenttoestimateitatitsvalue。Iseearoundmecaptainsofalltheillustriousindustries,mostdistinguishedmen;therearemorethanfiftyhere,andI

believeIknowthirty—nineofthemwell。Icouldprobablyborrowmoneyfrom—fromtheothers,anyway。Itisaproudthingtome,indeed,toseesuchadistinguishedcompanygatherhereonsuchanoccasionasthis,whenthereisnoforeignprincetobefated—whenyouhavecomeherenottodohonortohereditaryprivilegeandancientlineage,buttodoreverencetomeremoralexcellenceandelementalveracity—

and,dearme,howolditseemstomakeme！IlookaroundmeandI

seethreeorfourpersonsIhaveknownsomany,manyyears。IhaveknownMr。SecretaryHay—JohnHay,asthenationandtherestofhisfriendslovetocallhim—IhaveknownJohnHayandTomReedandtheReverendTwichellcloseuponthirty—sixyears。Closeuponthirty—sixyearsIhaveknownthosevenerablemen。IhaveknownMr。Howellsnearlythirty—fouryears,andIknewChaunceyDepewbeforehecouldwalkstraight,andbeforehelearnedtotellthetruth。Twenty—sevenyearsagoIheardhimmakethemostnobleandeloquentandbeautifulspeechthathaseverfallenfromevenhiscapablelips。TomReedsaidthatmyprincipaldefectwasinaccuracyofstatement。Well,supposethatthatistrue。What\'stheuseoftellingthetruthallthetime？InevertellthetruthaboutTomReed—butthatishisdefect,truth;hespeaksthetruthalways。TomReedhasagoodheart,andhehasagoodintellect,buthehasn\'tanyjudgment。Why,whenTomReedwasinvitedtolecturetotheLadies\'SocietyfortheProcreationorProcrastination,orsomething,ofmorals,Idon\'tknowwhatitwas—

advancement,Isuppose,ofpuremorals—hehadtheimmortalindiscretiontobeginbysayingthatsomeofuscan\'tbeoptimists,butbyjudiciouslyutilizingtheopportunitiesthatProvidenceputsinourwaywecanallbebigamists。Youperceivehislimitations。

Anythinghehasinhismindhestates,ifhethinksitistrue。

Well,thatwastrue,butthatwasnoplacetosayit—sotheyfiredhimout。

Alotofaccountshavebeensettledheretonightforme;Ihaveheldgrudgesagainstsomeofthesepeople,buttheyhaveallbeenwipedoutbytheveryhandsomecomplimentsthathavebeenpaidme。EvenWayneMacVeagh—Ihavehadagrudgeagainsthimmanyyears。ThefirsttimeI

sawWayneMacVeaghwasataprivatedinner—partyatCharlesA。Dana\'s,andwhenIgottherehewasclatteringalong,andItriedtogetawordinhereandthere;butyouknowwhatWayneMacVeaghiswhenheisstarted,andIcouldnotgetinfivewordstohisone—oronewordtohisfive。Istruggledalongandstruggledalong,and—well,I

wantedtotellandIwastryingtotelladreamIhadhadthenightbefore,anditwasaremarkabledream,adreamworthpeople\'swhiletolistento,adreamrecountingSamJonestherevivalist\'sreceptioninheaven。Iwasonatrain,andwasapproachingthecelestialway—station—Ihadathroughticket—andInoticedamansittingalongsideofmeasleep,andhehadhisticketinhishat。HewastheremainsoftheArchbishopofCanterbury;Irecognizedhimbyhisphotograph。Ihadnothingagainsthim,soItookhisticketandlethimhavemine。Hedidn\'tobject—hewasn\'tinaconditiontoobject—

andpresentlywhenthetrainstoppedattheheavenlystation—well,Igotoff,andhewentonbyrequest—buttheretheyallwere,theangels,youknow,millionsofthem,everyonewithatorch;theyhadarrangedforatorch—lightprocession;theywereexpectingtheArchbishop,andwhenIgotofftheystartedtoraiseashout,butitdidn\'tmaterialize。Idon\'tknowwhethertheyweredisappointed。I

supposetheyhadalotofsuperstitiousideasabouttheArchbishopandwhatheshouldlooklike,andIdidn\'tfillthebill,andIwastryingtoexplaintoSaintPeter,andwasdoingitintheGermantongue,becauseIdidn\'twanttobetooexplicit。Well,Ifounditwasnouse,Icouldn\'tgetalong,forWayneMacVeaghwasoccupyingthewholeplace,andIsaidtoMr。Dana,"Whatisthematterwiththatman？

Whoisthatmanwiththelongtongue？What\'sthetroublewithhim,thatlong,lankcadaver,oldoil—derrickoutofajob—whoisthat？"

"Well,now,"Mr。Danasaid,"youdon\'twanttomeddlewithhim;youhadbetterkeepquiet;justkeepquiet,becausethat\'sabadman。

Talk！Hewasborntotalk。Don\'tlethimgetoutwithyou;he\'llskinyou。"Isaid,"Ihavebeenskinned,skinned,andskinnedforyears,thereisnothingleft。"Hesaid,"Oh,you\'llfindthereis;

thatmanistheveryseedandinspirationofthatproverbwhichsays,\'Nomatterhowcloseyouskinanonion,aclevermancanalwayspeelitagain。\'"Well,IreflectedandIquieteddown。ThatwouldneveroccurtoTomReed。He\'sgotnodiscretion。Well,MacVeaghisjustthesameman;hehasn\'tchangedabitinallthoseyears;hehasbeenpeelingMr。Mitchelllately。That\'sthekindofmanheis。