第3章

Ibeseechyou,frommeyourselfcounseltolet,executethesementionedreforms。Thenwillyouanelegantlanguagepossess,andafterward,whenyousomethingsaywill,willyouatleastyourselfunderstandwhatyousaidhad。Butoftennowadays,whenyouamile—longsentencefromyougivenandyouyourselfsomewhathaverested,thenmustyouhaveatouchinginquisitivenesshaveyourselftodeterminewhatyouactuallyspokenhave。Beforeseveraldayshasthecorrespondentofalocalpaperasentenceconstructedwhichhundredandtwelvewordscontain,andthereinweresevenparenthesessmuggledin,andthesubjectseventimeschanged。Thinkyouonly,mygentlemen,inthecourseofthevoyageofasinglesentencemustthepoor,persecuted,fatiguedsubjectseventimeschangeposition！

Now,whenwethementionedreformsexecute,willitnolongersobadbe。Dochnocheins。Imightgladlytheseparableverbalsoalittlebitreform。ImightnonedoletwhatSchillerdid:hehasthewholehistoryoftheThirtyYears\'Warbetweenthetwomembersofaseparableverbin—pushed。ThathasevenGermanyitselfaroused,andonehasSchillerthepermissionrefusedtheHistoryoftheHundredYears\'Wartocompose—Godbeitthanked！Afterallthesereformsestablishedbewill,willtheGermanlanguagethenoblestandtheprettiestontheworldbe。

Sincetoyounow,mygentlemen,thecharacterofmymissionknownis,beseechIyousofriendlytobeandtomeyourvaluablehelpgrant。Mr。PotzlhasthepublicbelievedmakewouldthatItoViennacomeaminorderthebridgestoclogupandthetraffictohinder,whileIobservationsgatherandnote。Allowyouyourselvesbutnotfromhimdeceived。Myfrequentpresenceonthebridgeshasanentirelyinnocentground。Yondergivesitthenecessaryspace,yondercanoneanoblelongGermansentenceelaborate,thebridge—railingalong,andhiswholecontentswithoneglanceoverlook。OntheoneendoftherailingpastedIthefirstmemberofaseparableverbandthefinalmembercleaveItotheotherend—thenspreadthebodyofthesentencebetweenitout！Usuallyareformypurposesthebridgesofthecitylongenough;whenIbutPotzl\'swritingsstudywillIrideoutandusethegloriousendlessimperialbridge。Butthisisacalumny;PotzlwritestheprettiestGerman。Perhapsnotsopliableasthemine,butinmanydetailsmuchbetter。Excuseyoutheseflatteries。Thesearewelldeserved。

NowImyspeechexecute—no,IwouldsayIbringhertotheclose。I

amaforeigner—buthere,underyou,haveIitentirelyforgotten。AndsoagainandyetagainprofferIyoumyheartiestthanks。

GERMANFORTHEHUNGARIANS。

ADDRESSATTHEJUBILEECELEBRATIONOFTHE

EMANCIPATIONOFTHEHUNGARIANPRESS,MARCH26,1899。

TheMinistryandmembersofParliamentwerepresent。Thesubjectwasthe"Ausgleich"—i。e。,thearrangementfortheapportionmentofthetaxesbetweenHungaryandAustria。Paragraph14oftheausgleichfixestheproportioneachcountrymustpaytothesupportofthearmy。Itistheparagraphwhichcausedthetroubleandpreventeditsrenewal。

NOWthatweareallheretogether,Ithinkitwillbeagoodideatoarrangetheausgleich。IfyouwillactforHungaryIshallbequitewillingtoactforAustria,andthisistheverytimeforit。Therecouldn\'tbeabetter,forweareallfeelingfriendly,fair—minded,andhospitablenow,andfullofadmirationforeachother,fullofconfidenceineachother,fullofthespiritofwelcome,fullofthegraceofforgiveness,andthedispositiontoletbygonesbebygones。

Letusnotwastethisgolden,thisbeneficent,thisprovidentialopportunity。Iamwillingtomakeanyconcessionyouwant,justsowegetitsettled。Iamnotonlywillingtoletgraincomeinfree,Iamwillingtopaythefreightonit,andyoumaysenddelegatestotheReichsrathifyoulike。AllIrequireisthattheyshallbequiet,peaceablepeoplelikeyourowndeputies,andnotdisturbourproceedings。

IfyouwanttheGegenseitigengeldbeitragendenverhaltnismassigkeitenrearrangedandreadjustedIamreadyforthat。Iwillletyouoffattwenty—eightpercent。—twenty—seven—eventwenty—fiveifyouinsist,forthereisnothingilliberalaboutmewhenIamoutonadiplomaticdebauch。

Now,inreturnfortheseconcessions,Iamwillingtotakeanythinginreason,andIthinkwemayconsiderthebusinesssettledandtheausgleichausgegloschenatlastfortensolidyears,andwewillsignthepapersinblank,anddoithereandnow。

Well,Iamunspeakablygladtohavethatausgleichoffmyhands。

Ithaskeptmeawakenightsforanderthalbjahr。

ButInevercouldsettleitbefore,becausealwayswhenIcalledattheForeignOfficeinViennatotalkaboutit,therewasn\'tanybodyathome,andthatisnotaplacewhereyoucangoinandseeforyourselfwhetheritisamistakeornot,becausethepersonwhotakescareofthefrontdoorthereisofasizethatdiscourageslibertyofactionandthefreespiritofinvestigation。Tothinktheausgleichisabgemachtatlast！Itisagrandandbeautifulconsummation,andIamgladIcame。

ThewayIfeelnowIdohonestlybelieveIwouldratherbejustmyownhumbleselfatthismomentthanparagraph14。

ANEWGERMANWORD。

ToaidalocalcharityMr。ClemensappearedbeforeafashionableaudienceinVienna,March10,1899,readinghissketch"TheLucerneGirl,"anddescribinghowhehadbeeninterviewedandridiculed。Hesaidinpart:

IHAVEnotsufficientlymasteredGermantoallowmyusingitwithimpunity。Mycollectionoffourteen—syllableGermanwordsisstillincomplete。ButIhavejustaddedtothatcollectionajewel—averitablejewel。IfounditinatelegramfromLinz,anditcontainsninety—fiveletters:

Personaleinkommensteuerschatzungskommissionsmitgliedsreisekosten—

rechnungserganzungsrevisionsfundIfIcouldgetasimilarwordengraveduponmytombstoneIshouldsleepbeneathitinpeace。

UNCONSCIOUSPLAGIARISM。

DELIVEREDATTHEDINNERGIVENBYTHEPUBLISHERSOF

"THEATLANTICMONTHLY"TOOLIVERWENDELLHOLMES

INHONOROFHISSEVENTIETHBIRTHDAY,AUGUST29,1879。

IWOULDhavetravelledamuchgreaterdistancethanIhavecometowitnessthepayingofhonorstoDoctorHolmes;formyfeelingtowardhimhasalwaysbeenoneofpeculiarwarmth。Whenonereceivesaletterfromagreatmanforthefirsttimeinhislife,itisalargeeventtohim,asallofyouknowbyyourownexperience。Younevercanreceivelettersenoughfromfamousmenafterwardtoobliteratethatone,ordimthememoryofthepleasantsurpriseitwas,andthegratificationitgaveyou。Lapseoftimecannotmakeitcommonplaceorcheap。

Well,thefirstgreatmanwhoeverwrotemealetterwasourguest—OliverWendellHolmes。HewasalsothefirstgreatliterarymanIeverstoleanythingfrom—andthatishowIcametowritetohimandhetome。Whenmyfirstbookwasnew,afriendofminesaidtome,"Thededicationisveryneat。"Yes,Isaid,Ithoughtitwas。Myfriendsaid,"Ialwaysadmiredit,evenbeforeIsawitinTheInnocentsAbroad。"Inaturallysaid:"Whatdoyoumean？Wheredidyoueverseeitbefore？""Well,IsawitfirstsomeyearsagoasDoctorHolmes\'sdedicationtohisSongsinManyKeys。"Ofcourse,myfirstimpulsewastopreparethisman\'sremainsforburial,butuponreflectionIsaidIwouldreprievehimforamomentortwoandgivehimachancetoprovehisassertionifhecould。Westeppedintoabook—store,andhedidproveit。Ihadreallystolenthatdedication,almostwordforword。Icouldnotimaginehowthiscuriousthinghadhappened;forIknewonething—thatacertainamountofpridealwaysgoesalongwithateaspoonfulofbrains,andthatthisprideprotectsamanfromdeliberatelystealingotherpeople\'sideas。Thatiswhatateaspoonfulofbrainswilldoforaman—andadmirershadoftentoldmeIhadnearlyabasketful—thoughtheywereratherreservedastothesizeofthebasket。

However,Ithoughtthethingout,andsolvedthemystery。Twoyearsbefore,IhadbeenlaidupacoupleofweeksintheSandwichIslands,andhadreadandre—readDoctorHolmes\'spoemstillmymentalreservoirwasfilledupwiththemtothebrim。Thededicationlayonthetop,andhandy,so,by—and—by,Iunconsciouslystoleit。PerhapsI

unconsciouslystoletherestofthevolume,too,formanypeoplehavetoldmethatmybookwasprettypoetical,inonewayoranother。Well,ofcourse,IwroteDoctorHolmesandtoldhimI

hadn\'tmeanttosteal,andhewrotebackandsaidinthekindestwaythatitwasallrightandnoharmdone;andaddedthathebelievedweallunconsciouslyworkedoverideasgatheredinreadingandhearing,imaginingtheywereoriginalwithourselves。Hestatedatruth,anddiditinsuchapleasantway,andsalvedovermysorespotsogentlyandsohealingly,thatIwasrathergladIhadcommittedthecrime,forthesakeoftheletter。Iafterwardcalledonhimandtoldhimtomakeperfectlyfreewithanyideasofminethatstruckhimasbeinggoodprotoplasmforpoetry。Hecouldseebythatthattherewasn\'tanythingmeanaboutme;sowegotalongrightfromthestart。I

havenotmetDoctorHolmesmanytimessince;andlatelyhesaid—

However,IamwanderingwildlyawayfromtheonethingwhichIgotonmyfeettodo;thatis,tomakemycomplimentstoyou,myfellow—teachersofthegreatpublic,andlikewisetosaythatIamrightgladtoseethatDoctorHolmesisstillinhisprimeandfullofgenerouslife;andasageisnotdeterminedbyyears,butbytroubleandinfirmitiesofmindandbody,Ihopeitmaybeaverylongtimeyetbeforeanyonecantruthfullysay,"Heisgrowingold。"

THEWEATHER。

ADDRESSATTHENEWENGLANDSOCIETY\'SSEVENTY—FIRST

ANNUALDINNER,NEWYORKCITY。

Thenexttoastwas:"TheOldestInhabitant—TheWeatherofNewEngland。"

Whocanloseitandforgetit？

Whocanhaveitandregretit？

"Beinterposer\'twixtusTwain。"

—MerchantofVenice。

IREVERENTLYbelievethattheMakerwhomadeusallmakeseverythinginNewEnglandbuttheweather。Idon\'tknowwhomakesthat,butI

thinkitmustberawapprenticesintheweather—clerk\'sfactorywhoexperimentandlearnhow,inNewEngland,forboardandclothes,andthenarepromotedtomakeweatherforcountriesthatrequireagoodarticle,andwilltaketheircustomelsewhereiftheydon\'tgetit。

ThereisasumptuousvarietyabouttheNewEnglandweatherthatcompelsthestranger\'sadmiration—andregret。Theweatherisalwaysdoingsomethingthere;alwaysattendingstrictlytobusiness;alwaysgettingupnewdesignsandtryingthemonthepeopletoseehowtheywillgo。Butitgetsthroughmorebusinessinspringthaninanyotherseason。InthespringIhavecountedonehundredandthirty—sixdifferentkindsofweatherinsideoffour—and—twentyhours。ItwasI

thatmadethefameandfortuneofthatmanthathadthatmarvellouscollectionofweatheronexhibitionattheCentennial,thatsoastoundedtheforeigners。Hewasgoingtotravelallovertheworldandgetspecimensfromalltheclimes。Isaid,"Don\'tyoudoit;youcometoNewEnglandonafavorablespringday。"Itoldhimwhatwecoulddointhewayofstyle,variety,andquantity。Well,hecameandhemadehiscollectioninfourdays。Astovariety,why,heconfessedthathegothundredsofkindsofweatherthathehadneverheardofbefore。Andastoquantity—well,afterhehadpickedoutanddiscardedallthatwasblemishedinanyway,henotonlyhadweatherenough,butweathertospare;weathertohireout;weathertosell;todeposit;weathertoinvest;weathertogivetothepoor。ThepeopleofNewEnglandarebynaturepatientandforbearing,buttherearesomethingswhichtheywillnotstand。Everyyeartheykillalotofpoetsforwritingabout"BeautifulSpring。"Thesearegenerallycasualvisitors,whobringtheirnotionsofspringfromsomewhereelse,andcannot,ofcourse,knowhowthenativesfeelaboutspring。Andsothefirstthingtheyknowtheopportunitytoinquirehowtheyfeelhaspermanentlygoneby。OldProbabilitieshasamightyreputationforaccurateprophecy,andthoroughlywelldeservesit。Youtakeupthepaperandobservehowcrisplyandconfidentlyhechecksoffwhatto—day\'sweatherisgoingtobeonthePacific,downSouth,intheMiddleStates,intheWisconsinregion。SeehimsailalonginthejoyandprideofhispowertillhegetstoNewEngland,andthenseehistaildrop。Hedoesn\'tknowwhattheweatherisgoingtobeinNewEngland。Well,hemullsoverit,andby—and—byhegetsoutsomethingaboutlikethis:Probablynortheasttosouthwestwinds,varyingtothesouthwardandwestwardandeastward,andpointsbetween,highandlowbarometerswappingaroundfromplacetoplace;

probableareasofrain,snow,hail,anddrought,succeededorprecededbyearthquakes,withthunderandlightning。Thenhejotsdownhispostscriptfromhiswanderingmind,tocoveraccidents。"Butitispossiblethattheprogrammemaybewhollychangedinthemeantime。"

Yes,oneofthebrightestgemsintheNewEnglandweatheristhedazzlinguncertaintyofit。Thereisonlyonethingcertainaboutit:youarecertainthereisgoingtobeplentyofit—aperfectgrandreview;butyounevercantellwhichendoftheprocessionisgoingtomovefirst。Youfixupforthedrought;youleaveyourumbrellainthehouseandsallyout,andtwotooneyougetdrowned。Youmakeupyourmindthattheearthquakeisdue;youstandfromunder,andtakeholdofsomethingtosteadyyourself,andthefirstthingyouknowyougetstruckbylightning。Thesearegreatdisappointments;buttheycan\'tbehelped。Thelightningthereispeculiar;itissoconvincing,thatwhenitstrikesathingitdoesn\'tleaveenoughofthatthingbehindforyoutotellwhether—Well,you\'dthinkitwassomethingvaluable,andaCongressmanhadbeenthere。Andthethunder。Whenthethunderbeginstomerelytuneupandscrapeandsaw,andkeyuptheinstrumentsfortheperformance,strangerssay,"Why,whatawfulthunderyouhavehere！"Butwhenthebatonisraisedandtherealconcertbegins,you\'llfindthatstrangerdowninthecellarwithhisheadintheash—barrel。NowastothesizeoftheweatherinNewEngland—lengthways,Imean。Itisutterlydisproportionedtothesizeofthatlittlecountry。Halfthetime,whenitispackedasfullasitcanstick,youwillseethatNewEnglandweatherstickingoutbeyondtheedgesandprojectingaroundhundredsandhundredsofmilesovertheneighboringStates。Shecan\'tholdatenthpartofherweather。

Youcanseecracksallaboutwhereshehasstrainedherselftryingtodoit。IcouldspeakvolumesabouttheinhumanperversityoftheNewEnglandweather,butIwillgivebutasinglespecimen。Iliketohearrainonatinroof。SoIcoveredpartofmyroofwithtin,withaneyetothatluxury。Well,sir,doyouthinkiteverrainsonthattin？No,sir;skipsiteverytime。Mind,inthisspeechIhavebeentryingmerelytodohonortotheNewEnglandweather—nolanguagecoulddoitjustice。But,afterall,thereisatleastoneortwothingsaboutthatweather（or,ifyouplease,effectsproducedbyit）whichweresidentswouldnotliketopartwith。Ifwehadn\'tourbewitchingautumnfoliage,weshouldstillhavetocredittheweatherwithonefeaturewhichcompensatesforallitsbullyingvagaries—theice—storm:whenaleaflesstreeisclothedwithicefromthebottomtothetop—icethatisasbrightandclearascrystal;

wheneveryboughandtwigisstrungwithice—beads,frozendew—drops,andthewholetreesparklescoldandwhite,liketheShahofPersia\'sdiamondplume。Thenthewindwavesthebranchesandthesuncomesoutandturnsallthosemyriadsofbeadsanddropstoprismsthatglowandburnandflashwithallmannerofcoloredfires,whichchangeandchangeagainwithinconceivablerapidityfrombluetored,fromredtogreen,andgreentogold—thetreebecomesasprayingfountain,averyexplosionofdazzlingjewels;anditstandstheretheacme,theclimax,thesupremestpossibilityinartornature,ofbewildering,intoxicating,intolerablemagnificence。Onecannotmakethewordstoostrong。

THEBABIES。

DELIVEREDATTHEBANQUET,INCHICAGO,GIVEN

BYTHEARMYOFTHETENNESSEETOTHEIR

FIRSTCOMMANDERGENERALU。S。

GRANT,NOVEMBER,1879。

Thefifteenthregulartoastwas"TheBabies。—Astheycomfortusinoursorrows,letusnotforgettheminourfestivities。"

ILIKEthat。Wehavenotallhadthegoodfortunetobeladies。Wehavenotallbeengenerals,orpoets,orstatesmen;butwhenthetoastworksdowntothebabies,westandoncommonground。Itisashamethatforathousandyearstheworld\'sbanquetshaveutterlyignoredthebaby,asifhedidn\'tamounttoanything。Ifyouwillstopandthinkaminute—ifyouwillgobackfiftyoronehundredyearstoyourearlymarriedlifeandrecontemplateyourfirstbaby—youwillrememberthatheamountedtoagooddeal,andevensomethingover。Yousoldiersallknowthatwhenthatlittlefellowarrivedatfamilyheadquartersyouhadtohandinyourresignation。Hetookentirecommand。Youbecamehislackey,hismerebody—servant,andyouhadtostandaroundtoo。Hewasnotacommanderwhomadeallowancesfortime,distance,weather,oranythingelse。Youhadtoexecutehisorderwhetheritwaspossibleornot。Andtherewasonlyoneformofmarchinginhismanualoftactics,andthatwasthedouble—quick。Hetreatedyouwitheverysortofinsolenceanddisrespect,andthebravestofyoudidn\'tdaretosayaword。Youcouldfacethedeath—stormatDonelsonandVicksburg,andgivebackblowforblow;

butwhenheclawedyourwhiskers,andpulledyourhair,andtwistedyournose,youhadtotakeit。Whenthethundersofwarweresoundinginyourearsyousetyourfacestowardthebatteries,andadvancedwithsteadytread;butwhenheturnedontheterrorsofhiswar—whoopyouadvancedintheotherdirection,andmightygladofthechance,too。Whenhecalledforsoothing—syrup,didyouventuretothrowoutanyside—remarksaboutcertainservicesbeingunbecominganofficerandagentleman？No。Yougotupandgotit。Whenheorderedhispapbottleanditwasnotwarm,didyoutalkback？Notyou。Youwenttoworkandwarmedit。Youevendescendedsofarinyourmenialofficeastotakeasuckatthatwarm,insipidstuffyourself,toseeifitwasright—threepartswatertooneofmilk,atouchofsugartomodifythecolic,andadropofpepperminttokillthoseimmortalhiccoughs。Icantastethatstuffyet。Andhowmanythingsyoulearnedasyouwentalong！Sentimentalyoungfolksstilltakestockinthatbeautifuloldsayingthatwhenthebabysmilesinhissleep,itisbecausetheangelsarewhisperingtohim。Verypretty,buttoothin—simplywindonthestomach,myfriends。Ifthebabyproposedtotakeawalkathisusualhour,twoo\'clockinthemorning,didn\'tyouriseuppromptlyandremark,withamentaladditionwhichwouldnotimproveaSunday—schoolbookmuch,thatthatwastheverythingyouwereabouttoproposeyourself？Oh！youwereundergooddiscipline,andasyouwentflutteringupanddowntheroominyourundressuniform,younotonlyprattledundignifiedbaby—talk,buteventunedupyourmartialvoicesandtriedtosing！—Rock—a—byBabyintheTree—top,forinstance。WhataspectacleforanArmyoftheTennessee！

Andwhatanafflictionfortheneighbors,too;foritisnoteverybodywithinamilearoundthatlikesmilitarymusicatthreeinthemorning。Andwhenyouhadbeenkeepingthissortofthinguptwoorthreehours,andyourlittlevelvet—headintimatedthatnothingsuitedhimlikeexerciseandnoise,whatdidyoudo？Yousimplywentonuntilyoudroppedinthelastditch。Theideathatababydoesn\'tamounttoanything！Why,onebabyisjustahouseandafrontyardfullbyitself。OnebabycanfurnishmorebusinessthanyouandyourwholeInteriorDepartmentcanattendto。Heisenterprising,irrepressible,。

brimfuloflawlessactivities。Dowhatyouplease,youcan\'tmakehimstayonthereservation。Sufficientuntothedayisonebaby。Aslongasyouareinyourrightminddon\'tyoueverprayfortwins。

Twinsamounttoapermanentriot。Andthereain\'tanyrealdifferencebetweentripletsandaninsurrection。

Yes,itwashightimeforatoast—mastertorecognizetheimportanceofthebabies。Thinkwhatisinstoreforthepresentcrop！Fiftyyearsfromnowweshallallbedead,Itrust,andthenthisflag,ifitstillsurvive（andletushopeitmay）,willbefloatingoveraRepublicnumbering200,000,000souls,accordingtothesettledlawsofourincrease。OurpresentschoonerofStatewillhavegrownintoapoliticalleviathan—aGreatEastern。Thecradledbabiesofto—daywillbeondeck。Letthembewelltrained,forwearegoingtoleaveabigcontractontheirhands。Amongthethreeorfourmillioncradlesnowrockinginthelandaresomewhichthisnationwouldpreserveforagesassacredthings,ifwecouldknowwhichonestheyare。InoneofthesecradlestheunconsciousFarragutofthefutureisatthismomentteething—thinkofit！—andputtinginaworldofdeadearnest,unarticulated,butperfectlyjustifiableprofanityoverit,too。InanotherthefuturerenownedastronomerisblinkingattheshiningMilkyWaywithbutalanguidinterest—poorlittlechap！—andwonderingwhathasbecomeofthatotheronetheycallthewet—nurse。

Inanotherthefuturegreathistorianislying—anddoubtlesswillcontinuetolieuntilhisearthlymissionisended。InanotherthefuturePresidentisbusyinghimselfwithnoprofounderproblemofstatethanwhatthemischiefhasbecomeofhishairsoearly;andinamightyarrayofothercradlestherearenowsome60,000futureoffice—seekers,gettingreadytofurnishhimoccasiontograpplewiththatsameoldproblemasecondtime。Andinstillonemorecradle,somewhereundertheflag,thefutureillustriouscommander—in—chiefoftheAmericanarmiesissolittleburdenedwithhisapproachinggrandeursandresponsibilitiesastobegivinghiswholestrategicmindatthismomenttotryingtofindoutsomewaytogethisbigtoeintohismouth—anachievementwhich,meaningnodisrespect,theillustriousguestofthiseveningturnedhisentireattentiontosomefifty—sixyearsago;andifthechildisbutaprophecyoftheman,therearemightyfewwhowilldoubtthathesucceeded。

OURCHILDRENANDGREATDISCOVERIES。

DELIVEREDATTHEAUTHORS\'CLUB,NEWYORK。

OURchildren—yours—and—mine。Theyseemlikelittlethingstotalkabout—ourchildren,butlittlethingsoftenmakeupthesumofhumanlife—that\'sagoodsentence。Irepeatit,littlethingsoftenproducegreatthings。Now,toillustrate,takeSirIsaacNewton—I

presumesomeofyouhaveheardofMr。Newton。Well,oncewhenSirIsaacNewton—amerelad—gotoverintotheman\'sappleorchard—I

don\'tknowwhathewasdoingthere—Ididn\'tcomeallthewayfromHartfordtoq—u—e—s—t—i—o—nMr。Newton\'shonesty—butwhenhewasthere—inthemainorchard—hesawanapplefallandhewasa—t—t—ractedtowardit,andthatledtothediscovery—notofMr。

Newton—butofthegreatlawofattractionandgravitation。

Andtherewasonceanothergreatdiscoverer—I\'veforgottenhisname,andIdon\'trememberwhathediscovered,butIknowitwassomethingveryimportant,andIhopeyouwillalltellyourchildrenaboutitwhenyougethome。Well,whenthegreatdiscovererwasonceloafin\'arounddowninVirginia,anda—puttin\'inhistimeflirtingwithPocahontas—oh！CaptainJohnSmith,thatwastheman\'sname—

andwhileheandPocaweresittinginMr。Powhatan\'sgarden,heaccidentallyputhisarmaroundherandpickedsomething—asimpleweed,whichprovedtobetobacco—andnowwefinditineveryChristianfamily,sheddingitscivilizinginfluencebroadcastthroughoutthewholereligiouscommunity。

Nowtherewasanothergreatman,Ican\'tthinkofhisnameeither,whousedtoloafaroundandwatchthegreatchandelierinthecathedralatPisa,whichsethimtothinkingaboutthegreatlawofgunpowder,andeventuallyledtothediscoveryofthecotton—gin。

Now,Idon\'tsaythisasaninducementforouryoungmentoloafaroundlikeMr。NewtonandMr。GalileoandCaptainSmith,buttheywereoncelittlebabiestwodaysold,andtheyshowwhatlittlethingshavesometimesaccomplished。

EDUCATINGTHEATRE—GOERS。

ThechildrenoftheEducationalAlliancegaveaperformanceof"ThePrinceandthePauper"ontheafternoonofApril14,1907,inthetheatreoftheAllianceBuildinginEastBroadway。Theaudiencewascomposedofnearlyonethousandchildrenoftheneighborhood。Mr。

Clemens,Mr。Howells,andMr。DanielFrohmanwereamongtheinvitedguests。

IHAVEnotenjoyedaplaysomuch,soheartily,andsothoroughlysinceIplayedMilesHendontwenty—twoyearsago。Iusedtoplayinthispiece（"ThePrinceandthePauper"）withmychildren,who,twenty—twoyearsago,werelittleyoungsters。OneofmydaughterswasthePrince,andaneighbor\'sdaughterwasthePauper,andthechildrenofotherneighborsplayedotherparts。Butwenevergavesuchaperformanceaswehaveseenhereto—day。Itwouldhavebeenbeyondus。

Mylatewifewasthedramatistandstage—manager。Ourcoachmanwasthestage—manager,secondincommand。Weusedtoplayitinthissimpleway,andtheonewhousedtobringinthecrownonacushion—

hewasalittlefellowthen—isnowaclergymanwayuphigh—sixorsevenfeethigh—andgrowinghigherallthetime。Weplayeditwell,butnotaswellasyouseeithere,foryouseeitdonebypracticallytrainedprofessionals。

Iwasespeciallyinterestedinthescenewhichwehavejusthad,forMilesHendonwasmypart。Ididitaswellasapersoncouldwhoneverrememberedhispart。Thechildrenallknewtheirparts。TheydidnotmindifIdidnotknowmine。Icouldthreadaneedlenearlyaswellastheplayerdidwhomyousawto—day。ThewordsofmypartIcouldsupplyonthespot。ThewordsofthesongthatMilesHendonsanghereIdidnotcatch。ButIwasgreatinthatsong。

[ThenMr。Clemenshummedabitofdoggerelthatthereportermadeoutasthis:

"Therewasawomaninhertown,Shelovedherhusbandwell,Butanothermanjusttwiceaswell。"

"Howisthat？"demandedMr。Clemens。Thenresuming:]

ItwassofreshandenjoyabletomakeupanewsetofwordseachtimethatIplayedthepart。

IfIhadathousandcitizensinfrontofme,Iwouldliketogivetheminformation,butyouchildrenalreadyknowallthatIhavefoundoutabouttheEducationalAlliance。It\'slikeamanlivingwithinthirtymilesofVesuviusandneverknowingaboutavolcano。

It\'slikelivingforalifetimeinBuffalo,eighteenmilesfromNiagara,andnevergoingtoseetheFalls。SoIhadlivedinNewYorkandknewnothingabouttheEducationalAlliance。

Thistheatreisapartofthework,andfurnishespureandcleanplays。Thistheatreisaninfluence。Everythingintheworldisaccomplishedbyinfluenceswhichtrainandeducate。Whenyougettobeseventy—oneandahalf,asIam,youmaythinkthatyoureducationisover,butitisn\'t。

Ifwehadfortytheatresofthiskindinthiscityoffourmillions,howtheywouldeducateandelevate！Weshouldhaveabodyofeducatedtheatre—goers。

Itwouldmakebettercitizens,honestcitizens。Oneofthebestgiftsamillionairecouldmakewouldbeatheatrehereandatheatrethere。ItwouldmakeofyouarealRepublic,andbringaboutaneducationallevel。

THEEDUCATIONALTHEATRE。

OnNovember19,1907,Mr。Clemensentertainedapartyofsixorsevenhundredofhisfriends,invitingthemtowitnesstherepresentationof"ThePrinceandthePauper,"playedbyboysandgirlsoftheEastSideattheChildren\'sEducationalTheatre,NewYork。

JUSTawordortwotoletyouknowhowdeeplyIappreciatethehonorwhichthechildrenwhoaretheactorsandfrequentersofthiscozyplayhousehaveconferreduponme。TheyhaveaskedmetobetheirambassadortoinvitetheheartsandbrainsofNewYorktocomedownhereandseetheworktheyaredoing。Iconsideritagranddistinctiontobechosenastheirintermediary。Betweenthechildrenandmyselfthereisanindissolublebondoffriendship。

Iamproudofthistheatreandthisperformance—proud,becauseIamnaturallyvain—vainofmyselfandproudofthechildren。

Iwishwecouldreachmorechildrenatonetime。IamgladtoseethatthechildrenoftheEastSidehaveturnedtheirbacksontheBowerytheatrestocometoseethepureentertainmentspresentedhere。

ThisChildren\'sTheatreisagreateducationalinstitution。Ihopethetimewillcomewhenitwillbepartofeverypublicschoolintheland。Imaybepardonedinbeingvain。Iwasbornvain,Iguess。

[Atthispointthestage—manager\'swhistleinterruptedMr。Clemens。]

Thatsettlesit;there\'smycuetostop。Iwastotalkuntilthewhistleblew,butitblewbeforeIgotstarted。Ittakesmelongertogetstartedthanmostpeople。IguessIwasbornatslowspeed。

Mytimeisup,andifyou\'llkeepquietfortwominutesI\'lltellyousomethingaboutMissHerts,thewomanwhoconceivedthissplendididea。Sheistheoriginatorandthecreatorofthistheatre。Educationally,thisinstitutioncoinsthegoldofyoungheartsintoexternalgood。

[OnApril23,1908,hespokeagainatthesameplace]

Iwillbestrictlyhonestwithyou;Iamonlyfittobehonorarypresident。ItisnottobeexpectedthatIshouldbeusefulasarealpresident。ButwhenitcomestothingsornamentalI,ofcourse,havenoobjection。Thereis,ofcourse,nocompetition。Itakeitasaveryrealcomplimentbecausetherearethousandsofchildrenwhohavehadapartinthisrequest。Itispromotionintruth。

Itisathingworthdoingthatisdonehere。Youhaveseenthechildrenplay。YousawhowlittleSallyreformedherburglar。Shecouldreformanyburglar。Shecouldreformme。Thisistheonlyschoolinwhichcanbetaughtthehighestandmostdifficultlessons—morals。

Inotherschoolsthewayofteachingmoralsisrevolting。Herethechildrenwhocomeinthousandslivethrougheachpart。

Theyareterriblyanxiousforthevillaintogethisbullet,andthatItaketobeahumaneandpropersentiment。Theyspendfreelythetencentsthatisnotsavedwithoutastruggle。Itcomesoutofthecandymoney,andthemoneythatgoesforchewing—gumandothernecessariesoflife。Theymakethesacrificefreely。Thisistheonlyschoolwhichtheyaresorrytoleave。

POETSASPOLICEMEN。

Mr。ClemenswasoneofthespeakersattheLotosClubdinnertoGovernorOdell,March24,1900。Thepoliceproblemwasreferredtoatlength。

LETusabolishpolicemenwhocarryclubsandrevolvers,andputinasquadofpoetsarmedtotheteethwithpoemsonSpringandLove。I

wouldbeverygladtoserveascommissioner,notbecauseIthinkI

amespeciallyqualified,butbecauseIamtootiredtoworkandwouldliketotakearest。

Howellswouldgowellasmydeputy。Heistiredtoo,andneedsarestbadly。