第16章

LastspringImetGeneralMilesagain,andhecommentedonthefactthatwehadknowneachotherthirtyyears。Hesaiditwasstrangethatwehadnotmetyearsbefore,whenwehadbothbeeninWashington。

AtthatpointIchangedthesubject,andIchangeditwithart。Butthefactsarethese:

IwasthenundercontractformyInnocentsAbroad,butdidnothaveacenttoliveonwhileIwroteit。SoIwenttoWashingtontodoalittlejournalism。ThereImetanequallypoorfriend,WilliamDavidson,whohadnotasinglevice,unlessyoucallitaviceinaScottoloveScotch。Togetherwedevisedthefirstandoriginalnewspapersyndicate,sellingtwolettersaweektotwelvenewspapersandgetting$1aletter。That$24aweekwouldhavebeenenoughforus—ifwehadnothadtosupportthejug。

Buttherewasadaywhenwefeltthatwemusthave$3rightaway—$3

atonce。ThatwashowImettheGeneral。Itdoesn\'tmatternowwhatwewantedsomuchmoneyatonetimefor,butthatScotandIdidoccasionallywantit。TheScotsentmeoutonedaytogetit。HehadagreatbeliefinProvidence,thatScottishfriendofmine。Hesaid:

"TheLordwillprovide。"

Ihadgivenuptryingtofindthemoneylyingabout,andwasinahotellobbyindespair,whenIsawabeautifulunfriendeddog。Thedogsawme,too,andatoncewebecameacquainted。ThenGeneralMilescamein,admiredthedog,andaskedmetopriceit。Ipriceditat$3。Heofferedmeanopportunitytoreconsiderthevalueofthebeautifulanimal,butIrefusedtotakemorethanProvidenceknewIneeded。

TheGeneralcarriedthedogtohisroom。

Thencameinasweetlittlemiddle—agedman,whoatoncebeganlookingaroundthelobby。

"Didyouloseadog？"Iasked。Hesaidhehad。

"IthinkIcouldfindit,"Ivolunteered,"forasmallsum。"

"\'Howmuch？\'"heasked。AndItoldhim$3。Heurgedmetoacceptmore,butIdidnotwishtooutdoProvidence。ThenIwenttotheGeneral\'sroomandaskedforthedogback。Hewasveryangry,andwantedtoknowwhyIhadsoldhimadogthatdidnotbelongtome。

"That\'sasingularquestiontoaskme,sir,"Ireplied。"Didn\'tyouaskmetosellhim？Youstartedit。"Andheletmehavehim。I

gavehimbackhis$3andreturnedthedog,collect,toitsowner。Thatsecond$3IcarriedhometotheScot,andweenjoyedit,butthefirst$3,themoneyIgotfromtheGeneral,Iwouldhavehadtolend。

TheGeneralseemednottoremembermypartinthatadventure,andIneverhadthehearttotellhimaboutit。

WHENINDOUBT,TELLTHETRUTH。

MarkTwain\'sspeechatthedinnerofthe"FreundschaftSociety,"

March9,1906,hadasabasisthewordsofintroductionusedbyToastmasterFrank,who,referringtoPudd\'nheadWilson,usedthephrase,"Whenindoubt,tellthetruth。"

MR。CHAIRMAN,MR。PUTZEL,ANDGENTLEMENOFTHEFREUNDSCHAFT,—ThatmaximIdidinvent,butneverexpectedittobeappliedtome。Ididsay,"Whenyouareindoubt,"butwhenIamindoubtmyselfIusemoresagacity。

Mr。GroutsuggestedthatifIhaveanythingtosayagainstMr。

Putzel,oranycriticismofhiscareerorhischaracter,Iamthelastpersontocomeoutonaccountofthatmaximandtellthetruth。Thatisaltogetheramistake。

Idothinkitisrightforotherpeopletobevirtuoussothattheycanbehappyhereafter,butifIkneweveryimproprietythatevenMr。Putzelhascommittedinhislife,Iwouldnotmentiononeofthem。

Myjudgmenthasbeenmaturingforseventyyears,andIhavegottothatpointwhereIknowbetterthanthat。

Mr。Putzelstandsrelatedtomeinaverytenderway（throughthetaxoffice）,anditdoesnotbehoovemetosayanythingwhichcouldbyanypossibilitymilitateagainstthatconditionofthings。

Now,thatword—taxes,taxes,taxes！Ihavehearditto—night。I

havehearditallnight。Iwishsomebodywouldchangethatsubject;

thatisaverysoresubjecttome。

IwassorelievedwhenJudgeLeventrittdidfindsomethingthatwasnottaxable—whenhesaidthatthecommissionercouldnottaxyourpatience。Andthatcomfortedme。We\'vegotsomuchtaxation。Idon\'tknowofasingleforeignproductthatentersthiscountryuntaxedexcepttheanswertoprayer。

Onanoccasionlikethistheproprietiesrequirethatyoumerelypaycomplimentstotheguestoftheoccasion,andIammerelyheretopaycomplimentstotheguestoftheoccasion,nottocriticisehiminanyway,andIcansayonlycomplimentarythingstohim。

WhenIwentdowntothetaxofficesometimeago,forthefirsttimeinNewYork,IsawMr。Putzelsittinginthe"SeatofPerjury。"I

recognizedhimrightaway。Iwarmedtohimonthespot。Ididn\'tknowthatIhadeverseenhimbefore,butjustassoonasIsawhimIrecognizedhim。Ihadmethimtwenty—fiveyearsbefore,andatthattimehadachievedaknowledgeofhisabilitiesandsomethingmorethanthat。

Ithought:"Now,thisisthemanwhomIsawtwenty—fiveyearsago。"OnthatoccasionInotonlywentfreeathishands,butcarriedoffsomethingmorethanthat。Ihopeditwouldhappenagain。

Itwastwenty—fiveyearsagowhenIsawayoungclerkinPutnam\'sbook—store。IwentinthereandaskedforGeorgeHavenPutnam,andhandedhimmycard,andthentheyoungmansaidMr。PutnamwasbusyandIcouldn\'tseehim。Well,Ihadmerelycalledinasocialway,andsoitdidn\'tmatter。

IwasgoingoutwhenIsawagreatbig,fat,interesting—lookingbooklyingthere,andItookitup。ItwasanaccountoftheinvasionofEnglandinthefourteenthcenturybythePreachingFriar,anditinterestedme。

Iaskedhimthepriceofit,andhesaidfourdollars。

"Well,"Isaid,"whatdiscountdoyouallowtopublishers？"

Hesaid:"Fortypercent。off。"

Isaid:"Allright,Iamapublisher。"

Heputdownthefigure,fortypercent。off,onacard。

ThenIsaid:"Whatdiscountdoyouallowtoauthors？"

Hesaid:"Fortypercent。off。"

"Well,"Isaid,"setmedownasanauthor。"

"Now,"saidI,"whatdiscountdoyouallowtotheclergy？"

Hesaid:"Fortypercent。off。"

IsaidtohimthatIwasonlyontheroad,andthatIwasstudyingfortheministry。Iaskedhimwouldn\'theknockofftwentypercent。

forthat。Hesetdownthefigure,andheneversmiledonce。

Iwasworkingoffthesehumorousbrillianciesonhimandgettingnoreturn—notascintillationinhiseye,notasparkofrecognitionofwhatIwasdoingthere。Iwasalmostindespair。

IthoughtImighttryhimoncemore,soIsaid:"Now,Iamalsoamemberofthehumanrace。Willyouletmehavethetenpercent。offforthat？"Hesetitdown,andneversmiled。

Well,Igaveitup。Isaid:"Thereismycardwithmyaddressonit,butIhavenotanymoneywithme。WillyoupleasesendthebilltoHartford？"Itookupthebookandwasgoingaway。

Hesaid:"Waitaminute。Thereisfortycentscomingtoyou。"

WhenImethiminthetaxofficeIthoughtmaybeIcouldmakesomethingagain,butIcouldnot。ButIhadnotanyideaIcouldwhenIcame,andasitturnedoutIdidgetoffentirelyfree。

Iputupmyhandandmadeastatement。Itgavemeagooddealofpaintodothat。Iwasnotusedtoit。IwasbornandrearedinthehighercirclesofMissouri,andtherewedon\'tdosuchthings—

didn\'tinmytime,butwehavegotthatlittlemattersettled—gotasortoftaxleviedonme。

Thenhetouchedme。Yes,hetouchedmethistime,becausehecried—cried！HewasmovedtotearstoseethatI,avirtuouspersononlyayearbefore,afterimmersionforoneyear—duringoneyearintheNewYorkmorals—hadnomoreconsciencethanamillionaire。

THEDAYWECELEBRATE。

ADDRESSATTHEFOURTH—OF—JULYDINNEROFTHE

AMERICANSOCIETY,LONDON,1899。

INOTICEDinAmbassadorChoate\'sspeechthathesaid:"YoumaybeAmericansorEnglishmen,butyoucannotbebothatthesametime。"Yourespondedbyapplause。

Considertheeffectofashortresidencehere。IfindtheAmbassadorrisesfirsttospeaktoatoast,followedbyaSenator,andIcomethird。Whatasubtletributethattomonarchialinfluenceofthecountrywhenyouplacerankaboverespectability！

Iwasbornmodest,andifIhadnotbeenthingslikethiswouldforceituponme。Iunderstanditquitewell。Iamheretoseethatbetweenthemtheydojusticetothedaywecelebrate,andincasetheydonotImustdoitmyself。ButInoticetheyhaveconsideredthisdaymerelyfromoneside—itssentimental,patriotic,poeticside。Butithasanotherside。Ithasacommercial,abusinesssidethatneedsreforming。Ithasahistoricalside。

Idonotsay"an"historicalside,becauseIamspeakingtheAmericanlanguage。Idonotseewhyourcousinsshouldcontinuetosay"an"hospital,"an"historicalfact,"an"horse。ItseemstometheCongressofWomen,nowinsession,shouldlooktoit。Ithink"an"

ishavingalittletoomuchtodowithit。Itcomesofhabit,whichaccountsformanythings。

Yesterday,forexample,Iwasataluncheonparty。AttheendofthepartyagreatdignitaryoftheEnglishEstablishedChurchwentawayhalfanhourbeforeanybodyelseandcarriedoffmyhat。Now,thatwasaninnocentactonhispart。Hewentoutfirst,andofcoursehadthechoiceofhats。AsaruleItrytogetoutfirstmyself。ButI

holdthatitwasaninnocent,unconsciousact,due,perhaps,toheredity。Hewasthinkingaboutecclesiasticalmatters,andwhenamanisinthatconditionofmindhewilltakeanybody\'shat。TheresultwasthatthewholeafternoonIwasundertheinfluenceofhisclericalhatandcouldnottellalie。Ofcourse,hewashardatit。

Itisacomplimenttobothofus。Hishatfittedmeexactly;myhatfittedhimexactly。SoIjudgeIwasborntorisetohighdignityintheChurchsomehoworother,butIdonotknowwhathewasbornfor。

Thatisanillustrationoftheinfluenceofhabit,anditisperceptibleherewhentheysay"an"hospital,"an"European,"an"

historical。

ThebusinessaspectsoftheFourthofJulyisnotperfectasitstands。Seewhatitcostsuseveryyearwithlossoflife,thecripplingofthousandswithitsfireworks,andtheburningdownofproperty。Itisnotonlysacredtopatriotismanduniversalfreedom,buttothesurgeon,theundertaker,theinsuranceoffices—andtheyareworkingitforallitisworth。

Iampleasedtoseethatwehaveacessationofwarforthetime。

Thiscomingfromme,asoldier,youwillappreciate。IwasasoldierintheSouthernwarfortwoweeks,andwhengentlemengetuptospeakofthegreatdeedsourarmyandnavyhaverecentlydone,why,itgoesallthroughmeandfiresuptheoldwarspirit。Ihadinmyfirstengagementthreehorsesshotunderme。Thenextoneswentovermyhead,thenexthitmeintheback。ThenIretiredtomeetanengagement。

Ithankyou,gentlemen,formakingevenaslightreferencetothewarprofession,inwhichIdistinguishedmyself,shortasmycareerwas。

INDEPENDENCEDAY。

TheAmericanSocietyinLondongaveabanquet,July4,1907,attheHotelCecil。AmbassadorChoatecalledonMr。Clemenstorespondtothetoast"TheDayWeCelebrate。"

MR。CHAIRMAN,MYLORD,ANDGENTLEMEN,—Oncemoreithappens,asithashappenedsooftensinceIarrivedinEnglandaweekortwoago,thatinsteadofcelebratingtheFourthofJulyproperlyashasbeenindicated,Ihavetofirsttakecareofmypersonalcharacter。

SirMortimerDurandstillremainsunconvinced。Well,ItriedtoconvincethesepeoplefromthebeginningthatIdidnottaketheAscotCup;andasIhavefailedtoconvinceanybodythatIdidnottakethecup,ImightaswellconfessIdidtakeitandbedonewithit。

Idon\'tseewhythisuncharitablefeelingshouldfollowmeeverywhere,andwhyIshouldhavethatcrimethrownuptomeonalloccasions。ThetearsthatIhaveweptoveritoughttohavecreatedadifferentfeelingthanthis—and,besides,Idon\'tthinkitisveryrightorfairthat,consideringEnglandhasbeentryingtotakeacupofoursforfortyyears—Idon\'tseewhytheyshouldtakesomuchtroublewhenItriedtogointothebusinessmyself。

SirMortimerDurand,too,hashadtroublefromgoingtoadinnerhere,andhehastoldyouwhathesufferedinconsequence。Butwhatdidhesuffer？Heonlymissedhistrainandonenightofdiscomfort,andheremembersittothisday。Oh！ifyoucouldonlythinkwhatI

havesufferedfromasimilarcircumstance。Twoorthreeyearsago,inNewYork,withthatSocietytherewhichismadeupofpeoplefromallBritishColonies,andfromGreatBritain,generally,whowereeducatedinBritishcollegesandBritishschools,Iwastheretorespondtoatoastofsomekindorother,andIdidthenwhatIhavebeeninthehabitofdoing,fromaselfishmotive,foralongtime,andthatis,IgotmyselfplacedNo。3inthelistofspeakers—thenyougethomeearly。

Ihadtogofivemilesup—river,andhadtocatchaparticulartrainornotgetthere。Butseethemagnanimitywhichisborninme,whichI

havecultivatedallmylife。AveryfamousandverygreatBritishclergymancametomepresently,andhesaid:"Iamawaydowninthelist;IhavegottocatchacertaintrainthisSaturdaynight;ifI

don\'tcatchthattrainIshallbecarriedbeyondmidnightandbreaktheSabbath。Won\'tyouchangeplaceswithme？Isaid:"CertainlyI

will。"Ididitatonce。Now,seewhathappened。TalkaboutSirMortimerDurand\'ssufferingsforasinglenight！Ihavesufferedeversince。becauseIsavedthatgentlemanfrombreakingtheSabbath—yes,savedhim。Itookhisplace,butIlostmytrain,anditwasIwhobroketheSabbath。UptothattimeIneverhadbrokentheSabbathinmylifeandfromthatdaytothisIneverhavekeptit。

Oh！Iamlearningmuchhereto—night。IfindIdidn\'tknowanythingabouttheAmericanSociety—thatis,Ididn\'tknowitschiefvirtue。Ididn\'tknowitschiefvirtueuntilhisExcellencyourAmbassadorrevealedit—Imaysay,exposedit。Iwasintendingtogohomeonthe13thofthismonth,butIlookuponthatinadifferentlightnow。IamgoingtostayhereuntiltheAmericanSocietypaysmypassage。

OurAmbassadorhasspokenofourFourthofJulyandthenoiseitmakes。WehavegotadoubleFourthofJuly—adaylightFourthandamidnightFourth。DuringthedayinAmerica,asourAmbassadorhasindicated,wekeeptheFourthofJulyproperlyinareverentspirit。

Wedevoteittoteachingourchildrenpatrioticthings—reverencefortheDeclarationofIndependence。Wehonorthedayallthroughthedaylighthour\'s,andwhennightcomeswedishonorit。Presently—

beforelong—theyaregettingnearlyreadytobeginnow—ontheAtlanticcoast,whennightshutsdown,thatpandemoniumwillbegin,andtherewillbenoise,andnoise,andnoise—allnightlong—andtherewillbemorethannoise—therewillbepeoplecrippled,therewillbepeoplekilled,therewillbepeoplewhowilllosetheireyes,andallthroughthatpermissionwhichwegivetoirresponsibleboystoplaywithfirearmsandfire—crackers,andallsortsofdangerousthings。WeturnthatFourthofJuly,alas！overtorowdiestodrinkandgetdrunkandmakethenighthideous,andwecrippleandkillmorepeoplethanyouwouldimagine。

WeprobablybegantocelebrateourFourth—of—Julynightinthatwayonehundredandtwenty—fiveyearsago,andoneveryFourth—of—Julynightsincethesehorrorshavegrownandgrown,untilnow,inourfivethousandtownsofAmerica,somebodygetskilledorcrippledoneveryFourth—of—Julynight,besidesthosecasesofsickpersonswhomweneverhearof,whodieastheresultofthenoiseortheshock。TheycrippleandkillmorepeopleontheFourthofJulyinAmericathantheykillandcrippleinourwarsnowadays,andtherearenopensionsforthesefolk。And,too,weburnhouses。ReallywedestroymorepropertyoneveryFourth—of—JulynightthanthewholeoftheUnitedStateswasworthonehundredandtwenty—fiveyearsago。

ReallyourFourthofJulyisourdayofmourning,ourdayofsorrow。

Fiftythousandpeoplewhohavelostfriends,orwhohavehadfriendscrippled,receivethatFourthofJuly,whenitcomes,asadayofmourningforthelossestheyhavesustainedintheirfamilies。

Ihavesufferedinthatwaymyself。Ihavehadrelativeskilledinthatway。OnewasinChicagoyearsago—anuncleofmine,justasgoodanuncleasIhaveeverhad,andIhadlotsofthem—yes,unclestoburn,unclestospare。Thispooruncle,fullofpatriotism,openedhismouthtohurrah,andarocketwentdownhisthroat。Beforethatmancouldaskforadrinkofwatertoquenchthatthing,itblewupandscatteredhimallovertheforty—fiveStates,and—really,now,thisistrue—Iknowaboutitmyself—twenty—fourhoursafterthatitwasrainingbuttons,recognizableashis,ontheAtlanticseaboard。A

personcannothaveadisasterlikethatandbeentirelycheerfultherestofhislife。Ihadanotheruncle,onanentirelydifferentFourthofJuly,whowasblownupthatway,andreallyittrimmedhimasitwouldatree。Hehadhardlyalimbleftonhimanywhere。Allwehaveleftnowisanexpurgatededitionofthatuncle。Butnevermindaboutthesethings;theyaremerelypassingmatters。Don\'tletmemakeyousad。

SirMortimerDurandsaidthatyou,theEnglishpeople,gaveupyourcoloniesoverthere—gottiredofthem—anddiditwithreluctance。NowIwishyoujusttoconsiderthathewasrightaboutthat,andthathehadhisreasonsforsayingthatEnglanddidnotlookuponourRevolutionasaforeignwar,butasacivilwarfoughtbyEnglishmen。

OurFourthofJulywhichwehonorsomuch,andwhichwelovesomuch,andwhichwetakesomuchpridein,isanEnglishinstitution,notanAmericanone,anditcomesofagreatancestry。ThefirstFourthofJulyinthatnoblegenealogydatesbacksevencenturieslackingeightyears。ThatisthedayoftheGreatCharter—theMagnaCharta—whichwasbornatRunnymedeinthenexttothelastyearofKingJohn,andportionsofthelibertiessecuredthusbythosehardyBaronsfromthatreluctantKingJohnareapartofourDeclarationofIndependence,ofourFourthofJuly,ofourAmericanliberties。AndthesecondofthoseFourthsofJulywasnotbornuntilfourcenturieslater,inCharlestheFirst\'stimeintheBillofRights,andthatisours,thatispartofourliberties。ThenextonewasstillEnglish,inNewEngland,wheretheyestablishedthatprinciplewhichremainswithustothisday,andinwillcontinuetoremainwithus—notaxationwithout—representation。Thatisalwaysgoingtostand,andthattheEnglishColoniesinNewEnglandgaveus。

TheFourthofJuly,andtheonewhichyouarecelebratingnow,borninPhiladelphiaonthe4thofJuly,1776—thatisEnglish,too。

ItisnotAmerican。ThosewereEnglishcolonists,subjectsofKingGeorgeIII。,Englishmenatheart,whoprotestedagainsttheoppressionsoftheHomeGovernment。Thoughtheyproposedtocurethoseoppressionsandremovethem,stillremainingundertheCrown,theywerenotintendingarevolution。Therevolutionwasbroughtaboutbycircumstanceswhichtheycouldnotcontrol。TheDeclarationofIndependencewaswrittenbyaBritishsubject,everynamesignedtoitwasthenameofaBritishsubject。TherewasnotthenameofasingleAmericanattachedtotheDeclarationofIndependence—infact,therewasnotanAmericaninthecountryinthatdayexcepttheIndiansoutontheplains。TheywereEnglishmen,allEnglishmen—

Americansdidnotbeginuntilsevenyearslater,whenthatFourthofJulyhadbecomesevenyearsold,andthentheAmericanRepublicwasestablished。SincethentherehavebeenAmericans。SoyouseewhatweowetoEnglandinthematterofliberties。

Wehave,however,oneFourthofJulywhichisabsolutelyourown,andthatisthatgreatproclamationissuedfortyyearsagobythatgreatAmericantowhomSirMortimerDurandpaidthatjustandbeautifultribute—AbrahamLincoln。Lincoln\'sproclamation,whichnotonlysettheblackslavesfree,butsetthewhitemanfreealso。

Theownerwassetfreefromtheburdenandoffence,thatsadconditionofthingswherehewasinsomanyinstancesamasterandownerofslaveswhenhedidnotwanttobe。Thatproclamationsetthemallfree。ButeveninthismatterEnglandsuggestedit,forEnglandhadsetherslavesfreethirtyyearsbefore,andwefollowedherexample。Wealwaysfollowedherexample,whetheritwasgoodorbad。

AnditwasanEnglishjudgethatissuedthatothergreatproclamation,andestablishedthatgreatprinciplethat,whenaslave,lethimbelongtowhomhemay,andlethimcomewhencehemay,setshisfootuponEnglishsoil,hisfettersbythatactfallawayandheisafreemanbeforetheworld。Wefollowedtheexampleof1833,andwefreedourslavesasIhavesaid。

Itistrue,then,thatallourFourthsofJuly,andwehavefiveofthem,Englandgavetous,exceptthatonethatIhavementioned—

theEmancipationProclamation,and,lestweforget,letusallrememberthatweowethesethingstoEngland。LetusbeabletosaytoOldEngland,thisgreat—hearted,venerableoldmotheroftherace,yougaveusourFourthsofJulythatweloveandthatwehonorandrevere,yougaveustheDeclarationofIndependence,whichistheCharterofourrights,you,thevenerableMotherofLiberties,theProtectorofAnglo—SaxonFreedom—yougaveusthesethings,andwedomosthonestlythankyouforthem。

AMERICANSANDTHEENGLISH。

ADDRESSATAGATHERINGOFAMERICANSIN

LONDON,JULY4,1872。

MR。CHAIRMANANDLADIESANDGENTLEMEN,—Ithankyouforthecomplimentwhichhasjustbeentenderedme,andtoshowmyappreciationofitIwillnotafflictyouwithmanywords。Itispleasanttocelebrateinthispeacefulway,uponthisoldmothersoil,theanniversaryofanexperimentwhichwasbornofwarwiththissamelandsolongago,andwroughtouttoasuccessfulissuebythedevotionofourancestors。IthastakennearlyahundredyearstobringtheEnglishandAmericansintokindlyandmutuallyappreciativerelations,butIbelieveithasbeenaccomplishedatlast。Itwasagreatstepwhenthetwolastmisunderstandingsweresettledbyarbitrationinsteadofcannon。ItisanothergreatstepwhenEnglandadoptsoursewing—machineswithoutclaimingtheinvention—asusual。Itwasanotherwhentheyimportedoneofoursleeping—carstheotherday。AnditwarmedmyheartmorethanIcantell,yesterday,whenIwitnessedthespectacleofanEnglishmanorderinganAmericansherrycobblerofhisownfreewillandaccord—

andnotonlythatbutwithagreatbrainandalevelheadremindingthebarkeepernottoforgetthestrawberries。Withacommonorigin,acommonlanguage,acommonliterature,acommonreligion,and—commondrinks,whatislongerneedfultothecementingofthetwonationstogetherinapermanentbondofbrotherhood？

Thisisanageofprogress,andoursisaprogressiveland。A

greatandgloriousland,too—alandwhichhasdevelopedaWashington,aFranklin,aWm。M。Tweed,aLongfellow,aMotley,aJayGould,aSamuelC。Pomeroy,arecentCongresswhichhasneverhaditsequal（insomerespects）,andaUnitedStatesArmywhichconqueredsixtyIndiansineightmonthsbytiringthemout—whichismuchbetterthanuncivilizedslaughter,Godknows。Wehaveacriminaljurysystemwhichissuperiortoanyintheworldanditsefficiencyisonlymarredbythedifficultyoffindingtwelvemeneverydaywhodon\'tknowanythingandcan\'tread。AndImayobservethatwehaveaninsanitypleathatwouldhavesavedCain。IthinkIcansay,andsaywithpride,thatwehavesomelegislaturesthatbringhigherpricesthananyintheworld。

Ireferwitheffusiontoourrailwaysystem,whichcontentstoletuslive,thoughitmightdotheopposite,beingourowners。Itonlydestroyedthreethousandandseventyliveslastyearbycollisions,andtwenty—seventhousandtwohundredandsixtybyrunningoverheedlessandunnecessarypeopleatcrossings。Thecompaniesseriouslyregrettedthekillingofthesethirtythousandpeople,andwentsofarastopayforsomeofthem—voluntarily,ofcourse,forthemeanestofuswouldnotclaimthatwepossessacourttreacherousenoughtoenforcealawagainstarailwaycompany。But,thankHeaven,therailwaycompaniesaregenerallydisposedtodotherightandkindlythingwithoutcompulsion。Iknowofaninstancewhichgreatlytouchedmeatthetime。Afteranaccidentthecompanysenthometheremainsofadeardistantoldrelativeofmineinabasket,withtheremark,"Pleasestatewhatfigureyouholdhimat—andreturnthebasket。"Nowtherecouldn\'tbeanythingfriendlierthanthat。

ButImustnotstandhereandbragallnight。However,youwon\'tmindabodybraggingalittleabouthiscountryontheFourthofJuly。

Itisafairandlegitimatetimetoflytheeagle。Iwillsayonlyonemorewordofbrag—andahopefulone。Itisthis。Wehaveaformofgovernmentwhichgiveseachmanafairchanceandnofavor。Withusnoindividualisbornwitharighttolookdownuponhisneighborandholdhimincontempt。Letsuchofusasarenotdukesfindourconsolationinthat。Andwemayfindhopeforthefutureinthefactthatasunhappyasistheconditionofourpoliticalmoralityto—day,EnglandhasrisenupoutofafarfoulersincethedayswhenCharlesI。ennobledcourtesansandallpoliticalplacewasamatterofbargainandsale。Thereishopeforusyet。*

*AtleasttheaboveisthespeechwhichIwasgoingtomake,butourminister,GeneralSchenck,presided,andaftertheblessing,gotupandmadeagreat,long,inconceivablydullharangue,andwoundupbysayingthatinasmuchasspeech—makingdidnotseemtoexhilaratetheguestsmuch,allfurtheroratorywouldbedispensedwithduringtheevening,andwecouldjustsitandtalkprivatelytoourelbow—neighborsandhaveagood,sociabletime。Itisknownthatinconsequenceofthatremarkforty—fourperfectedspeechesdiedinthewomb。Thedepression,thegloom,thesolemnitythatreignedoverthebanquetfromthattimeforthwillbealastingmemorywithmanythatwerethere。BythatonethoughtlessremarkGeneralSchencklostforty—fourofthebestfriendshehadinEngland。Morethanonesaidthatnight:"Andthisisthesortofpersonthatissenttorepresentusinagreatsisterempire！"

ABOUTLONDON。

ADDRESSATADINNERGIVENBYTHESAVAGECLUB,LONDON,SEPTEMBER28,1872。

ReportedbyMoncureD。ConwayintheCincinnatiCommercial。

ITaffordsmesincerepleasuretomeetthisdistinguishedclub,aclubwhichhasextendeditshospitalitiesanditscordialwelcometosomanyofmycountrymen。Ihope[andherethespeaker\'svoicebecamelowandfluttering]youwillexcusetheseclothes。Iamgoingtothetheatre;thatwillexplaintheseclothes。Ihaveotherclothesthanthese。JudginghumannaturebywhatIhaveseenofit,Isupposethatthecustomarythingforastrangertodowhenhestandshereistomakeapunonthenameofthisclub,undertheimpression,ofcourse,thatheisthefirstmanthatthatideahasoccurredto。Itisacredittoourhumannature,notablemishuponit;foritshowsthatunderlyingallourdepravity（andGodknowsandyouknowwearedepravedenough）andalloursophistication,anduntarnishedbythem,thereisasweetgermofinnocenceandsimplicitystill。Whenastrangersaystome,withaglowofinspirationinhiseye,somegentle,innocuouslittlethingabout"Twainandoneflesh,"andallthatsortofthing,Idon\'ttrytocrushthatmanintotheearth—no。Ifeellikesaying:"Letmetakeyoubythehand,sir;letmeembraceyou;Ihavenotheardthatpunforweeks。"Wewilldealinpalpablepuns。WewillcallpartiesnamedKing"YourMajesty,"

andwewillsaytotheSmithsthatwethinkwehaveheardthatnamebeforesomewhere。Suchishumannature。Wecannotalterthis。ItisGodthatmadeussoforsomegoodandwisePurpose。Letusnotrepine。

ButthoughImayseemstrange,mayseemeccentric,Imeantorefrainfrompunninguponthenameofthisclub,thoughIcouldmakeaverygoodoneifIhadtimetothinkaboutit—aweek。

IcannotexpresstoyouwhatentireenjoymentIfindinthisfirstvisittothisprodigiousmetropolisofyours。Itswondersseemtometobelimitless。Igoaboutasinadream—asinarealmofenchantment—wheremanythingsarerareandbeautiful,andallthingsarestrangeandmarvellous。HourafterhourIstand—Istandspellbound,asitwere—andgazeuponthestatuaryinLeicesterSquare。[LeicesterSquarebeingahorriblechaos,withtherelicofanequestrianstatueinthecentre,thekingbeingheadlessandlimbless,andthehorseinlittlebettercondition。]IvisitthemortuaryeffigiesofnobleoldHenryVIII。,andJudgeJeffreys,andthepreservedgorilla,andtrytomakeupmymindwhichofmyancestorsIadmirethemost。IgotothatmatchlessHydeParkanddriveallaroundit,andthenIstarttoenteritattheMarbleArch—and—aminducedto"changemymind。"[CabsarenotpermittedinHydePark—