第7章

Well,Icannotvoteforhim。Youseethat。Asitstandsnow,I

cannot。Iamcrippledinthatwayandtothatextent,forIwouldeversomuchliketodoit。IamnotaCongress,andIcannotdistributepensions,andIdon\'tknowanyotherlegitimatewaytobuyavote。ButifIshouldthinkofanylegitimateway,Ishallmakeuseofit,andthenIshallvoteforMr。Jerome。

HENRYIRVING。

TheDramaticandLiterarySocietyofLondongaveawelcome—homedinnertoSirHenryIrvingattheSavoyHotel,London,June9,1900。

Inproposingthetoastof"TheDrama"Mr。Clemenssaid:

IFINDmytaskaveryeasyone。Ihavebeenadramatistforthirtyyears。IhavehadanambitioninallthattimetooverdotheworkoftheSpaniardwhosaidheleftbehindhimfourhundreddramaswhenhedied。Ileavebehindmefourhundredandfifteen,andamnotyetdead。

Thegreatestofalltheartsistowriteadrama。Itisamostdifficultthing。Itrequiresthehighesttalentpossibleandtherarestgifts。No,thereisanothertalentthatrankswithit—foranybodycanwriteadrama—Ihadfourhundredofthem—buttogetoneacceptedrequiresrealability。AndIhaveneverhadthatfelicityyet。

Buthumannatureissoconstructed,wearesopersistent,thatwhenweknowthatweareborntoathingwedonotcarewhattheworldthinksaboutit。Wegoonexploitingthattalentyearafteryear,asI

havedone。Ishallgoonwritingdramas,andsomedaytheimpossiblemayhappen,butIamnotlookingforit。

Inwritingplaysthechiefthingisnovelty。Theworldgrowstiredofsolidformsinallthearts。Istruckanewideamyselfyearsago。Iwasnotsurprisedatit。Iwasalwaysexpectingitwouldhappen。Apersonwhohassuffereddisappointmentformanyyearslosesconfidence,andIthoughtIhadbettermakeinquiriesbeforeI

exploitedmynewideaofdoingadramaintheformofadream,soI

wrotetoagreatauthorityonknowledgeofallkinds,andaskedhimwhetheritwasnew。

Icoulddependuponhim。HelivedinmydearhomeinAmerica—thatdearhome,dearertomethroughtaxes。Hesentmealistofplaysinwhichthatolddevicehadbeenused,andhesaidthattherewasalsoamodernlot。HetravelledbacktoChinaandtoaplaydatedtwothousandsixhundredyearsbeforetheChristianera。Hesaidhewouldfollowitupwithalistofthepreviousplaysofthekind,andinhisinnocencewouldhavecarriedthembacktotheFlood。

Thatisthemostdiscouragingthingthathaseverhappenedtomeinmydramaticcareer。Ihavedoneaworldofgoodinasilentandprivateway,andhavefurnishedSirHenryIrvingwithplaysandplaysandplays。Whathasheachievedthroughthatinfluence？Seewherehestandsnow—onthesummitofhisartintwoworlds—anditwasIwhoputhimthere—thatpartlyputhimthere。

Ineednotenlargeupontheinfluencethedramahasexerteduponcivilization。Ithasmadegoodmoralsentertaining。IamtobefollowedbyMr。Pinero。Iconceivethatwestandattheheadoftheprofession。HehasnotwrittenasmanyplaysasIhave,buthehashadthatGod—giventalent,whichIlack,ofworkingthemoffonthemanager。Icouplehisnamewiththistoast,andaddthehopethathisinfluencewillbesupportedinexercisinghismasterlyhandicraftinthatgreatgift,andthathewilllonglivetocontinuehisfinework。

DINNERTOHAMILTONW。MABIE。

ADDRESSDELIVEREDAPRIL29,1901。

InintroducingMr。Clemens,DoctorVanDykesaid:

"Thelongerthespeakinggoesonto—nightthemoreIwonderhowI

gotthisjob,andtheonlyexplanationIcangiveforitisthatitisthesamekindofcompensationforthenumberofarticlesIhavesenttoTheOutlook,toberejectedbyHamiltonW。Mabie。Thereisonemanhereto—nightthathasajobcutoutforhimthatnoneofyouwouldhavehad—amanwhosehumorhasputagirdleoflightaroundtheglobe,andwhosesenseofhumorhasbeenanexampleforallfivecontinents。Heisgoingtospeaktoyou。Gentlemen,youknowhimbestasMarkTwain。"

MR。CHAIRMANANDGENTLEMEN,—Thismanknowsnowhowitfeelstobethechiefguest,andifhehasenjoyeditheisthefirstmanIhaveeverseeninthatpositionthatdidenjoyit。AndIknow,byside—remarkswhichhemadetomebeforehisordealcameuponhim,thathewasfeelingassomeoftherestofushavefeltunderthesamecircumstances。Hewasafraidthathewouldnotdohimselfjustice;buthedid—tomysurprise。Itisamostseriousthingtobeachiefguestonanoccasionlikethis,anditisadmirable,itisfine。ItisagreatcomplimenttoamanthatheshallcomeoutofitsogloriouslyasMr。Mabiecameoutofitto—night—tomysurprise。Hediditwell。

HeappearstobeeditorofTheOutlook,andnotwithstandingthat,Ihaveeveryadmiration,becausewheneverythingissaidconcerningTheOutlook,afterallonemustadmitthatitisfrankinitsdelinquencies,thatitisoutspokeninitsdeparturesfromfact,thatitisvigorousinitsmistakencriticismsofmenlikeme。I

havelivedinthisworldalong,longtime,andIknowyoumustnotjudgeamanbytheeditorialsthatheputsinhispaper。Amanisalwaysbetterthanhisprintedopinions。Amanalwaysreservestohimselfontheinsideapurityandanhonestyandajusticethatareacredittohim,whereasthethingsthatheprintsarejustthereverse。

Ohyes,youmustnotjudgeamanbywhathewritesinhispaper。

Eveninanordinarysecularpaperamanmustobservesomecareaboutit;hemustbebetterthantheprincipleswhichheputsinprint。

AndthatisthecasewithMr。Mabie。Why,toseewhathewritesaboutmeandthemissionariesyouwouldthinkhedidnothaveanyprinciples。ButthatisMr。Mabieinhispubliccapacity。Mr。MabieinhisprivatecapacityisjustascleanamanasIam。

Inthisveryroom,amonthortwoago,somepeopleadmiredthatportrait;someadmiredthis,butthegreatmajorityfastenedonthat,andsaid,"Thereisaportraitthatisabeautifulpieceofart。"Whenthatportraitisahundredyearsolditwillsuggestwhatwerethemannersandcustomsinourtime。JustastheytalkaboutMr。Mabieto—night,inthatenthusiasticway,pointingoutthevariousvirtuesofthemanandthegraceofhisspirit,andallthat,sowasthatportraittalkedabout。Theywereenthusiastic,justaswemenhavebeenoverthecharacterandtheworkofMr。Mabie。Andwhentheywerethroughtheysaidthatportrait,fineasitis,thatwork,beautifulasitis,thatpieceofhumanityonthatcanvas,graciousandfineasitis,doesnotrisetothoseperfectionsthatexistinthemanhimself。Comeup,Mr。Alexander。[ThereferencewastoJamesW。Alexander,whohappenedtobesittingbeneaththeportraitofhimselfonthewall。]Now,Ishouldcomeupandshowmyself。Buthecannotdoit,hecannotdoit。Hewasbornthatway,hewasrearedinthatway。Lethismodestybeanexample,andIwishsomeofyouhadit,too。ButthatisjustwhatIhavebeensaying—thatportrait,fineasitis,isnotasfineasthemanitrepresents,andallthethingsthathavebeensaidaboutMr。Mabie,andcertainlytheyhavebeenverynoblywordedandbeautiful,stillfallshortoftherealMabie。

INTRODUCINGNYEANDRILEY。

JamesWhitcombRileyandEdgarWilsonNye（BillNye）weretogivereadingsinTremontTemple,Boston,November,1888。Mr。ClemenswasinducedtointroduceMessrs。RileyandNye。Hisappearanceontheplatformwasasurprisetotheaudience,andwhentheyrecognizedhimtherewasatremendousdemonstration。

IAMverygladindeedtointroducetheseyoungpeopletoyou,andatthesametimegetacquaintedwiththemmyself。Ihaveseenthemmorethanonceforamoment,buthavenothadtheprivilegeofknowingthempersonallyasintimatelyasIwantedto。Isawthemfirst,agreatmanyyearsago,whenMr。Barnumhadthem,andtheywerejustfreshfromSiam。Theligaturewastheirbestholdthen,theliteraturebecametheirbestholdlater,whenoneofthemcommittedanindiscretion,andtheyhadtocuttheoldbondtoaccommodatethesheriff。

InthatoldformertimethisonewasChang,thatonewasEng。Thesympathyexistingbetweenthetwowasmostextraordinary;itwassofine,sostrong,sosubtle,thatwhattheoneatetheotherdigested;whenoneslept,theothersnored;ifonesoldathing,theotherscoopedtheusufruct。Thisindependentandyetdependentactionwasobservableinallthedetailsoftheirdailylife—Imeanthisquaintandarbitrarydistributionoforiginatingcauseandresultingeffectbetweenthetwo—between,Imaysay,thisdynamoandtheotheralwaysmotor,or,inotherwords,thattheonewasalwaysthecreatingforce,theotheralwaystheutilizingforce;no,no,forwhileitistruethatwithincertainwell—definedzonesofactivitytheonewasalwaysdynamoandtheotheralwaysmotor,withincertainotherwell—definedzonesthesepositionsbecameexactlyreversed。

Forinstance,inmoralmattersMr。ChangRileywasalwaysdynamo,Mr。EngNyewasalwaysmotor;forwhileMr。ChangRileyhadahigh—infact,anabnormallyhighandfine—moralsense,hehadnomachinerytoworkitwith;whereas,Mr。EngNye,whohadn\'tanymoralsenseatall,andhasn\'tyet,wasequippedwithallthenecessaryplantforputtinganobledeedthrough,ifhecouldonlygettheinspirationonreasonabletermsoutside。

Inintellectualmatters,ontheotherhand,Mr。EngNyewasalwaysdynamo,Mr。ChangRileywasalwaysmotor;Mr。EngNyehadastatelyintellect,butcouldn\'tmakeitgo;Mr。ChangRileyhadn\'t,butcould。

Thatistosay,thatwhileMr。ChangRileycouldn\'tthinkthingshimself,hehadamarvellousnaturalgraceinsettingthemdownandweavingthemtogetherwhenhispalfurnishedtherawmaterial。

Thus,workingtogether,theymadeastrongteam;laboringtogether,theycoulddomiracles;butbreakthecircuit,andbothwereimpotent。Ithasremainedsotothisday:theymusttraveltogether,hoe,andplant,andplough,andreap,andselltheirpublictogether,orthere\'snoresult。

Ihavemadethisexplanation,thisanalysis,thisvivisection,sotospeak,inorderthatyoumayenjoythesedelightfuladventurersunderstandingly。WhenMr。EngNye\'sdeepandbroadandlimpidphilosophiesflowbyinfrontofyou,refreshingalltheregionsroundaboutwiththeirgraciousfloods,youwillrememberthatitisn\'thiswater;it\'stheotherman\'s,andheisonlyworkingthepump。

AndwhenMr。ChangRileyenchantsyourear,andsoothesyourspirit,andtouchesyourheartwiththesweetandgenuinemusicofhispoetry—

assweetandasgenuineasanythathisfriends,thebirdsandthebees,makeabouthisotherfriends,thewoodsandtheflowers—youwillremember,whileplacingjusticewherejusticeisdue,thatitisn\'thismusic,buttheotherman\'s—heisonlyturningthecrank。

Ibeseechforthesevisitorsafairfield,asingle—minded,one—eyedumpire,andascorebulletinbarrenofgoose—eggsiftheyearnit—andIjudgetheywillandhopetheywill。Mr。JamesWhitcombChangRileywillnowgotothebat。

DINNERTOWHITELAWREID。

ADDRESSATTHEDINNERINHONOROFAMBASSADORREID,GIVENBYTHEPILGRIMS\'CLUBOFNEWYORK

ONFEBRUARY19,1908。

IAMveryproudtorespondtothistoast,asitrecallstheproudestdayofmylife。ThedelightfulhospitalityshownmeatthetimeofmyvisittoOxfordIshallcherishuntilIdie。InthatlonganddistinguishedcareerofmineIvaluethatdegreeaboveallotherhonors。WhentheshiplandedeventhestevedoresgatheredontheshoreandgaveanEnglishcheer。Nothingcouldsurpassinmylifethepleasureofthosefourweeks。Noonecouldpassbymewithouttakingmyhand,eventhepolicemen。I\'vebeeninalltheprincipalcapitalsofChristendominmylife,andhavealwaysbeenanobjectofinteresttopolicemen。Sometimestherewassuspicionintheireyes,butnotalways。Withtheirpuissanthandtheywouldholdupthecommerceoftheworldtoletmepass。

InoticedinthepapersthisafternoonadespatchfromWashington,sayingthatCongresswouldimmediatelypassabillrestoringtoourgoldcoinagethemotto"InGodWeTrust。"I\'mgladofthat;I\'mgladofthat。Iwastroubledwhenthatmottowasremoved。Sureenough,theprosperitiesofthewholenationwentdowninaheapwhenweceasedtotrustinGodinthatconspicuouslyadvertisedway。Iknewtherewouldbetrouble。AndifPierpontMorganhadn\'tsteppedin—

BishopLawrencemaynowaddtohismessagetotheoldcountrythatwearenowtrustinginGodagain。SowecandischargeMr。Morganfromhisofficewithhonor。

Mr。Reidsaidanhourorsoagosomethingaboutmyruiningmyactivitieslastsummer。Theyarenotruined,theyarerenewed。Iamstrongernow—muchstronger。IsupposethatthespiritualupliftI

receivedincreasedmyphysicalpowermorethananythingIeverhadbefore。Iwasdancinglastnightat12。30o\'clock。

Mr。ChoatehasmentionedMr。Reid\'spredecessors。Mr。Choate\'sheadisfullofhistory,andsomeofitistrue,too。Ienjoyedhearinghimtellaboutthelistofthemenwhohadtheplacebeforehedid。Hementionedalonglistofthosepredecessors,peopleIneverheardofbefore,andelectedfiveofthemtothePresidencybyhisownvote。I\'mgladandproudtofindMr。Reidinthathighposition,becausehedidn\'tlookitwhenIknewhimfortyyearsago。IwastalkingtoReidtheotherday,andheshowedmemyautographonanoldpapertwentyyearsold。Ididn\'tknowIhadanautographtwentyyearsago。Nobodyeveraskedmeforit。

IrememberadinnerIhadlongagowithWhitelawReidandJohnHayatReid\'sexpense。IhadanotherlastsummerwhenIwasinLondonattheembassythatChoateblackguardsso。I\'dliketolivethere。

Somepeoplesaytheycouldn\'tliveonthesalary,butIcouldliveonthesalaryandthenationtogether。Someofusdon\'tappreciatewhatthiscountrycando。There\'sJohnHay,Reid,Choate,andme。Thisistheonlycountryintheworldwhereyouth,talent,andenergycanreachsuchheights。Itshowswhatwecoulddowithoutmeans,andwhatpeoplecandowithtalentandenergywhentheyfinditinpeoplelikeus。

WhenIfirstcametoNewYorktheywereallstrugglingyoungmen,andIamgladtoseethattheyhavegotonintheworld。IknewJohnHaywhenIhadnowhitehairsinmyheadandmorehairthanReidhasnow。Thoseweredaysofjoyandhope。ReidandHaywereonthestaffoftheTribune。Iwentthereonceinthatoldbuilding,andIlookedallaround,andIfinallyfoundadoorajarandlookedin。Itwasn\'tReidorHaythere,butitwasHoraceGreeley。ThosewereinthedayswhenHoraceGreeleywasaking。ThatwasthefirsttimeIeversawhimandthelast。

Iwasadmiringhimwhenhestoppedandseemedtorealizethattherewasafinepresencetheresomewhere。Hetriedtosmile,buthewasoutofsmiles。Helookedatmeamoment,andsaid:

"WhatinH—doyouwant？"

Hebeganwiththatword"H。"That\'salongwordandaprofaneword。Idon\'trememberwhatthewordwasnow,butIrecognizedthepowerofit。Ihadneverusedthatlanguagemyself,butatthatmomentIwasconverted。Ithasbeenagreatrefugeformeintimeoftrouble。

Ifamandoesn\'tknowthatlanguagehecan\'texpresshimselfonstrenuousoccasions。Whenyouhavethatwordatyourcommandlettroublecome。

ButlaterHayrose,andyouknowwhatsummitWhitelawReidhasreached,andyouseeme。Thosetwomenhaveregulatedtroublesofnationsandconferredpeaceuponmankind。Andinmyhumbleway,ofwhichIamquitevain,Iwastheprincipalmoralforceinallthosegreatinternationalmovements。ThesegreatmenillustratedwhatIsay。

Lookatusgreatpeople—weallcomefromthedregsofsociety。That\'swhatcanbedoneinthiscountry。That\'swhatthiscountrydoesforyou。

Choatehere—hehasn\'tgotanythingtosay,buthesaysitjustthesame,andhecandoitsofelicitously,too。IsaidlongagohewasthehandsomestmanAmericaeverproduced。Maytheprogressofcivilizationalwaysrestonsuchdistinguishedmenasithasinthepast！

ROGERSANDRAILROADS。

ATABANQUETGIVENMR。H。H。ROGERSBYTHEBUSINESS

MENOFNORFOLK,VA。,CELEBRATINGTHEOPENING

OFTHEVIRGINIANRAILWAY,APRIL,3,1909。

Toastmaster:

"Ihaveoftenthoughtthatwhenthetimecomes,whichmustcometoallofus,whenwereachthatGreatWayintheGreatBeyond,andthequestionispropounded,\'Whathaveyoudonetogainadmissionintothisgreatrealm？\'iftheanswercouldbesincerelymade,\'Ihavemademenlaugh,\'itwouldbethesurestpassporttoawelcomeentrance。

Wehavehereto—nightonewhohasmademillionslaugh—nottheloudlaughterthatbespeaksthevacantmind,butthelaughofintelligentmirththathelpsthehumanheartandthehumanmind。Irefer,ofcourse,toDoctorClemens。IwasgoingtosayMarkTwain,hisliterarytitle,whichisahouseholdphraseinmorehomesthanthatofanyotherman,andyouknowhimbestbythatdearoldtitle。"

ITHANKyou,Mr。Toastmaster,forthecomplimentwhichyouhavepaidme,andIamsureIwouldratherhavemadepeoplelaughthancry,yetinmytimeIhavemadesomeofthemcry;andbeforeIstopentirelyIhopetomakesomemoreofthemcry。Ilikecompliments。I

dealinthemmyself。IhavelistenedwiththegreatestpleasuretothecomplimentswhichthechairmanhaspaidtoMr。Rogersandthatroadofhisto—night,andIhopesomeofthemaredeserved。

ItisnosmalldistinctiontoamanlikethattositherebeforeanintelligentcrowdlikethisandtobeclassedwithNapoleonandCaesar。Whydidn\'thesaythatthiswastheproudestdayofhislife？NapoleonandCaesararedead,andtheycan\'tbeheretodefendthemselves。ButI\'mhere！

Thechairmansaid,andverytruly,thatthemostlastingthinginthehandsofmanaretheroadswhichCaesarbuilt,anditistruethathebuiltalotofthem;andtheyarethereyet。

Yes,CaesarbuiltalotofroadsinEngland,andyoucanfindthem。ButRogershasonlybuiltoneroad,andhehasn\'tfinishedthatyet。Iliketohearmyoldfriendcomplimented,butIdon\'tliketohearitoverdone。

Ididn\'tgoaroundto—daywiththeotherstoseewhatheisdoing。I

willdothatinaquiettime,whenthereisnotanythinggoingon,andwhenIshallnotbecalledupontodeliverintemperatecomplimentsonarailroadinwhichIownnostock。

TheyproposedthatIgoalongwiththecommitteeandhelpinspectthatdumpdownyonder。Ididn\'tgo。Isawthatdump。IsawthatthingwhenIwascominginonthesteamer,andIdidn\'tgobecauseI

wasdiffident,sentimentallydiffident,aboutgoingandlookingatthatthingagain—thatgreat,long,bonything;itlookedjustlikeMr。Rogers\'sfoot。

ThechairmansaysMr。Rogersisfullofpracticalwisdom,andheis。

Itisintimatedherethatheisaveryingeniousman,andheisaverycompetentfinancier。Maybeheisnow,butitwasnotalwaysso。Iknowlotsofprivatethingsinhislifewhichpeopledon\'tknow,andIknowhowhestarted;anditwasnotaverygoodstart。Icouldhavedonebettermyself。ThefirsttimehecrossedtheAtlantichehadjustmadethefirstlittlestrikeinoil,andhewassoyounghedidnotliketoaskquestions。Hedidnotliketoappearignorant。Tothisdayhedon\'tliketoappearignorant,buthecanlookasignorantasanybody。

Onboardtheshiptheywerebettingontherunoftheship,bettingacoupleofshillings,orhalfacrown,andtheyproposedthatthisyouthfromtheoilregionsshouldbetontherunoftheship。Hedidnotliketoaskwhatahalf—crownwas,andhedidn\'tknow;butratherthanbeashamedofhimselfhedidbethalfacrownontherunoftheship,andinbedhecouldnotsleep。Hewonderedifhecouldaffordthatoutlayincasehelost。Hekeptwonderingoverit,andsaidtohimself:"Aking\'scrownmustbeworth$20,000,sohalfacrownwouldcost$10,000。"Hecouldnotaffordtobetaway$10,000

ontherunoftheship,sohewentuptothestakeholderandgavehim$150tolethimoff。

IliketohearMr。Rogerscomplimented。Iamnotstingyincomplimentstohimmyself。Why,Ididitto—daywhenIsenthiswifeatelegramtocomforther。ThatisthekindofpersonIam。Iknewshewouldbeuneasyabouthim。Iknewshewouldbesolicitousaboutwhathemightdodownhere,soIdidittoquietherandtocomforther。

Isaidhewasdoingwellforapersonoutofpractice。Thereisnothinglikeit。HeislikeIusedtobe。ThereweretimeswhenI

wascareless—carelessinmydresswhenIgotolder。Youknowhowuncomfortableyourwifecangetwhenyouaregoingawaywithouthersuperintendence。Oncewhenmywifecouldnotgowithme（shealwayswentwithmewhenshecould—Ialwaysdidmeetthatkindofluck）,I

wasgoingtoWashingtononce,alongtimeago,inMr。Cleveland\'sfirstadministration,andshecouldnotgo;but,inheranxietythatI

shouldnotdesecratethehouse,shemadepreparation。SheknewthattherewastobeareceptionofthoseauthorsattheWhiteHouseatseveno\'clockintheevening。Shesaid,"IfIshouldtellyounowwhatIwanttoaskofyou,youwouldforgetitbeforeyougettoWashington,and,therefore,Ihavewrittenitonacard,andyouwillfinditinyourdress—vestpocketwhenyouaredressingattheArlington—whenyouaredressingtoseethePresident。"IneverthoughtofitagainuntilIwasdressing,andIfeltinthatpocketandtookitout,anditsaid,inakindofimploringway,"Don\'twearyourarcticsintheWhiteHouse。"

YoucomplimentedMr。Rogersonhisenergy,hisforesightedness,complimentedhiminvariousways,andhehasdeservedthosecompliments,althoughIsayitmyself;andIenjoythemall。ThereisonesideofMr。Rogersthathasnotbeenmentioned。IfyouwillleavethattomeIwilltouchuponthat。TherewasanoteinaneditorialinoneoftheNorfolkpapersthismorningthattoucheduponthatverything,thathiddensideofMr。Rogers,whereitspokeofHelenKellerandheraffectionforMr。Rogers,towhomshededicatedherlifebook。Andshehasarighttofeelthatway,because,withoutthepublicknowinganythingaboutit,herescued,ifImayusethatterm,thatmarvellousgirl,thatwonderfulSoutherngirl,thatgirlwhowasstonedeaf,blind,anddumbfromscarlet—feverwhenshewasababyeighteenmonthsold;andwhonowisaswellandthoroughlyeducatedasanywomanonthisplanetattwenty—nineyearsofage。SheisthemostmarvellouspersonofhersexthathasexistedonthisearthsinceJoanofArc。

ThatisnotallMr。Rogershasdone;butyouneverseethatsideofhischaracter,becauseitisneverprotruding;buthelendsahelpinghanddailyoutofthatgenerousheartofhis。Youneverhearofit。Heissupposedtobeamoonwhichhasonesidedarkandtheotherbright。Buttheotherside,thoughyoudon\'tseeit,isnotdark;itisbright,anditsrayspenetrate,andothersdoseeitwhoarenotGod。

IwouldtakethisopportunitytotellsomethingthatIhaveneverbeenallowedtotellbyMr。Rogers,eitherbymymouthorinprint,andifIdon\'tlookathimIcantellitnow。

In1893,whenthepublishingcompanyofCharlesL。Webster,ofwhichIwasfinancialagent,failed,itleftmeheavilyindebt。Ifyouwillrememberwhatcommercewasatthattimeyouwillrecallthatyoucouldnotsellanything,andcouldnotbuyanything,andIwasonmyback;

mybookswerenotworthanythingatall,andIcouldnotgiveawaymycopyrights。Mr。Rogershadlongenoughvisionaheadtosay,"Yourbookshavesupportedyoubefore,andafterthepanicisovertheywillsupportyouagain,"andthatwasacorrectproposition。Hesavedmycopyrights,andsavedmefromfinancialruin。Heitwaswhoarrangedwithmycreditorstoallowmetoroamthefaceoftheearthforfouryearsandpersecutethenationsthereofwithlectures,promisingthatattheendoffouryearsIwouldpaydollarfordollar。Thatarrangementwasmade;otherwiseIwouldnowbelivingout—of—doorsunderanumbrella,andaborrowedoneatthat。

Youseehiswhitemustacheandhisheadtryingtogetwhite（heisalwaystryingtolooklikeme—Idon\'tblamehimforthat）。Theseareonlyemblematicofhischaracter,andthatisall。Isay,withoutexception,hairandall,heisthewhitestmanIhaveeverknown。

THEOLD—FASHIONEDPRINTER。

ADDRESSATTHETYPOTHETAEDINNERGIVENATDELMONICO\'S,JANUARY18,1886,COMMEMORATINGTHEBIRTHDAY

OFBENJAMINFRANKLIN。

Mr。Clemensrespondedtothetoast"TheCompositor。"

THEchairman\'shistoricalreminiscencesofGutenberghavecausedmetofallintoreminiscences,forImyselfamsomethingofanantiquity。Allthingschangeintheprocessionofyears,anditmaybethatIamamongstrangers。Itmaybethattheprinterofto—dayisnottheprinterofthirty—fiveyearsago。Iwasnostrangertohim。Iknewhimwell。Ibuilthisfireforhiminthewintermornings;Ibroughthiswaterfromthevillagepump;Isweptouthisoffice;Ipickeduphistypefromunderhisstand;and,ifheweretheretosee,Iputthegoodtypeinhiscaseandthebrokenonesamongthe"hellmatter";andifhewasn\'ttheretosee,Idumpeditallwiththe"pi"ontheimposing—stone—forthatwasthefurtivefashionofthecub,andIwasacub。IwetteddownthepaperSaturdays,IturneditSundays—forthiswasacountryweekly;Irolled,Iwashedtherollers,Iwashedtheforms,Ifoldedthepapers,IcarriedthemaroundatdawnThursdaymornings。Thecarrierwasthenanobjectofinteresttoallthedogsintown。IfIhadsavedupallthebitesIeverreceived,IcouldkeepM。Pasteurbusyforayear。Ienvelopedthepapersthatwereforthemail—wehadahundredtownsubscribersandthreehundredandfiftycountryones;thetownsubscriberspaidingroceriesandthecountryonesincabbagesandcord—wood—whentheypaidatall,whichwasmerelysometimes,andthenwealwaysstatedthefactinthepaper,andgavethemapuff;andifweforgotittheystoppedthepaper。Everymanonthetownlisthelpededitthething—thatis,hegaveordersastohowitwastobeedited;dictateditsopinions,markedoutitscourseforit,andeverytimethebossfailedtoconnecthestoppedhispaper。Wewerejustinfestedwithcritics,andwetriedtosatisfythemallover。Wehadonesubscriberwhopaidcash,andhewasmoretroublethanalltherest。Heboughtusonceayear,bodyandsoul,fortwodollars。Heusedtomodifyourpoliticseverywhichway,andhemadeuschangeourreligionfourtimesinfiveyears。Ifweevertriedtoreasonwithhim,hewouldthreatentostophispaper,and,ofcourse,thatmeantbankruptcyanddestruction。Thatmanusedtowritearticlesacolumnandahalflong,leadedlongprimer,andsignthem"Junius,"or"Veritas,"or"VoxPopuli,"orsomeotherhigh—soundingrot;andthen,afteritwassetup,hewouldcomeinandsayhehadchangedhismind—whichwasagildedfigureofspeech,becausehehadn\'tany—andorderittobeleftout。Wecouldn\'tafford"bogus"inthatoffice,sowealwaystooktheleadsout,alteredthesignature,creditedthearticletotherivalpaperinthenextvillage,andputitin。Well,wedidhaveoneortwokindsof"bogus。"

Whenevertherewasabarbecue,oracircus,orabaptizing,weknockedoffforhalfaday,andthentomakeupforshortmatterwewould"turnoverads"—turnoverthewholepageandduplicateit。Theother"bogus"wasdeepphilosophicalstuff,whichwejudgednobodyeverread;sowekeptagalleyofitstanding,andkeptonslappingthesameoldbatchesofitin,everynowandthen,tillitgotdangerous。Also,intheearlydaysofthetelegraphweusedtoeconomizeonthenews。Wepickedouttheitemsthatwerepointlessandbarrenofinformationandstoodthemonagalley,andchangedthedatesandlocalities,andusedthemoverandoveragaintillthepublicinterestinthemwasworntothebone。Wemarkedtheads,butweseldompaidanyattentiontothemarksafterward;sothelifeofa"td"adanda"tf"adwasequallyeternal。Ihaveseena"td"noticeofasheriffssalestillboomingserenelyalongtwoyearsafterthesalewasover,thesheriffdead,andthewholecircumstancebecomeancienthistory。Mostoftheyearlyadswerepatent—medicinestereotypes,andweusedtofencewiththem。

Icanseethatprinting—officeofprehistorictimesyet,withitshorsebillsonthewalls,its"d"boxescloggedwithtallow,becausewealwaysstoodthecandleinthe"k"boxnights,itstowel,whichwasnotconsideredsoileduntilitcouldstandalone,andothersignsandsymbolsthatmarkedtheestablishmentofthatkindintheMississippiValley;andIcansee,also,thetramping"jour,"whoflittedbyinthesummerandtarriedaday,withhiswalletstuffedwithoneshirtandahatfulofhandbills;forifhecouldn\'tgetanytypetosethewoulddoatemperancelecture。Hiswayoflifewassimple,hisneedsnotcomplex;allhewantedwasplateandbedandmoneyenoughtogetdrunkon,andhewassatisfied。Butitmaybe,asIhavesaid,thatIamamongstrangers,andsingthegloriesofaforgottenagetounfamiliarears,soIwill"makeeven"andstop。

SOCIETYOFAMERICANAUTHORS。

OnNovember15,1900,thesocietygaveareceptiontoMr。Clemens,whocamewithhiswifeanddaughter。SomanymemberssurroundedthegueststhatMr。Clemensasked:"Isthisgenuinepopularityorisitallapartofaprearrangedprogramme？"

CHAIRMAN,LADIESANDGENTLEMEN,—Itseemsamostdifficultthingforanymantosayanythingaboutmethatisnotcomplimentary。Idon\'tknowwhatthecharmisaboutmewhichmakesitimpossibleforapersontosayaharshthingaboutmeandsayitheartily,asifhewasgladtosayit。

IfthisthingkeepsonitwillmakemebelievethatIamwhatthesekindchairmensayofme。Inintroducingme,JudgeRansomspokeofmymodestyasifhewasenviousofme。Iwouldliketohaveonemancomeoutflat—footedandsaysomethingharshanddisparagingofme,evenifitweretrue。Ithoughtatonetime,asthelearnedjudgewasspeaking,thatIhadfoundthatman;buthewoundup,likealltheothers,bysayingcomplimentarythings。

Iamconstructedlikeeverybodyelse,andenjoyacomplimentaswellasanyotherfool,butIdoliketohavetheothersidepresented。Andthereisanotherside。Ihaveawickedside。EstimablefriendswhoknowallaboutitwouldtellyouandtakeacertaindelightintellingyouthingsthatIhavedone,andthingsfurtherthatIhavenotrepented。

ThereallifethatIlive,andthereallifethatIsupposeallofyoulive,isalifeofinteriorsin。Thatiswhatmakeslifevaluableandpleasant。Toleadalifeofundiscoveredsin！Thatistruejoy。

JudgeRansomseemstohaveallthevirtuesthatheascribestome。

But,ohmy！ifyoucouldthrowanX—raythroughhim。Weareapair。

Ihavemadealife—studyoftryingtoappeartobewhatheseemstothinkIam。EverybodybelievesthatIamamonumentofallthevirtues,butitisnothingofthesort。Iamlivingtwolives,anditkeepsmeprettybusy。

Somedaytherewillbeachairmanwhowillforgetsomeofthesemeritsofmine,andthenhewillmakeaspeech。

Ihavemorepersonalvanitythanmodesty,andtwiceasmuchveracityasthetwoputtogether。