第1章

FROMTHEPREFACETOTHEENGLISHEDITIONOF

"MARKTWAIN\'SSKETCHES。"

IfIweretosellthereaderabarrelofmolasses,andhe,insteadofsweeteninghissubstantialdinnerwiththesameatjudiciousintervals,shouldeattheentirebarrelatonesitting,andthenabusemeformakinghimsick,Iwouldsaythathedeservedtobemadesickfornotknowinganybetterhowtoutilizetheblessingsthisworldaffords。AndifIselltothereaderthisvolumeofnonsense,andhe,insteadofseasoninghisgraverreadingwithachapterofitnowandthen,whenhisminddemandssuchrelaxation,unwiselyoverdoseshimselfwithseveralchaptersofitatasinglesitting,hewilldeservetobenauseated,andhewillhavenobodytoblamebuthimselfifheis。Thereisnomoresininpublishinganentirevolumeofnonsensethanthereisinkeepingacandy—storewithnohardwareinit。Itlieswhollywiththecustomerwhetherhewillinjurehimselfbymeansofeither,orwillderivefromthemthebenefitswhichtheywillaffordhimifheusestheirpossibilitiesjudiciously。

Respectfullysubmitted,THEAUTHOR。

THESTORYOFASPEECH。

Anaddressdeliveredin1877,andareviewofittwenty—nineyearslater。TheoriginalspeechwasdeliveredatadinnergivenbythepublishersofTheAtlanticMonthlyinhonoroftheseventiethanniversaryofthebirthofJohnGreenleafWhittier,attheHotelBrunswick,Boston,December17,1877。

THISisanoccasionpeculiarlymeetforthediggingupofpleasantreminiscencesconcerningliteraryfolk;thereforeIwilldroplightlyintohistorymyself。StandinghereontheshoreoftheAtlanticandcontemplatingcertainofitslargestliterarybillows,Iamremindedofathingwhichhappenedtomethirteenyearsago,whenIhadjustsucceededinstirringupalittleNevadianliterarypuddlemyself,whosespume—flakeswerebeginningtoblowthinlyCaliforniaward。IstartedaninspectiontrampthroughthesouthernminesofCalifornia。Iwascallowandconceited,andIresolvedtotrythevirtueofmynomdeguerre。

Iverysoonhadanopportunity。Iknockedataminer\'slonelylogcabininthefoot—hillsoftheSierrasjustatnightfall。Itwassnowingatthetime。Ajaded,melancholymanoffifty,barefooted,openedthedoortome。Whenheheardmynomdeguerrehelookedmoredejectedthanbefore。Heletmein—prettyreluctantly,Ithought—andafterthecustomarybaconandbeans,blackcoffeeandhotwhiskey,I

tookapipe。Thissorrowfulmanhadnotsaidthreewordsuptothistime。Nowhespokeupandsaid,inthevoiceofonewhoissecretlysuffering,"You\'rethefourth—I\'mgoingtomove。""Thefourthwhat？"saidI。"Thefourthlitterymanthathasbeenhereintwenty—fourhours—I\'mgoingtomove。""Youdon\'ttellme！"saidI;

"whoweretheothers？""Mr。Longfellow,Mr。Emerson,andMr。OliverWendellHolmes—consoundthelot！"

YoucaneasilybelieveIwasinterested。Isupplicated—threehotwhiskeysdidtherest—andfinallythemelancholyminerbegan。Saidhe:

"Theycameherejustatdarkyesterdayevening,andIlettheminofcourse。SaidtheyweregoingtotheYosemite。Theywerearoughlot,butthat\'snothing;everybodylooksroughthattravelsafoot。Mr。

Emersonwasaseedylittlebitofachap,red—headed。Mr。Holmeswasasfatasaballoon;heweighedasmuchasthreehundred,andhaddoublechinsallthewaydowntohisstomach。Mr。Longfellowwasbuiltlikeaprize—fighter。Hisheadwascroppedandbristly,likeasifhehadawigmadeofhair—brushes。Hisnoselaystraightdownhisface,likeafingerwiththeendjointtiltedup。Theyhadbeendrinking,Icouldseethat。Andwhatqueertalktheyused！Mr。

Holmesinspectedthiscabin,thenhetookmebythebuttonhole,andsayshe:

"\'ThroughthedeepcavesofthoughtIhearavoicethatsings,Buildtheemorestatelymansions,Omysoul！\'

"SaysI,\'Ican\'taffordit,Mr。Holmes,andmoreoverIdon\'twantto。\'BlamedifIlikeditprettywell,either,comingfromastranger,thatway。However,Istartedtogetoutmybaconandbeans,whenMr。

Emersoncameandlookedonawhile,andthenhetakesmeasidebythebuttonholeandsays:

"\'Givemeagatesformymeat;

Givemecantharidstoeat;

Fromairandoceanbringmefoods,Fromallzonesandaltitudes。\'

"SaysI,\'Mr。Emerson,ifyou\'llexcuseme,thisain\'tnohotel。\'

Youseeitsortofriledme—Iwarn\'tusedtothewaysoflitteryswells。ButIwentona—sweatingovermywork,andnextcomesMr。

Longfellowandbuttonholesme,andinterruptsme。Sayshe:

"\'HonorbetoMudjekeewis！

YoushallhearhowPau—Puk—Keewis—\'

"ButIbrokein,andsaysI,\'Begyourpardon,Mr。Longfellow,ifyou\'llbesokindastoholdyouryawpforaboutfiveminutesandletmegetthisgrubready,you\'lldomeproud。\'Well,sir,afterthey\'dfilledupIsetoutthejug。Mr。Holmeslooksatit,andthenhefiresupallofasuddenandyells:

"\'Flashoutastreamofblood—redwine！

ForIwoulddrinktootherdays。\'

"ByGeorge,Iwasgettingkindofworkedup。Idon\'tdenyit,I

wasgettingkindofworkedup。IturnstoMr。Holmes,andsaysI,\'Lookyhere,myfatfriend,I\'ma—runningthisshanty,andifthecourtknowsherself,you\'lltakewhiskeystraightoryou\'llgodry。\'

Them\'stheverywordsIsaidtohim。NowIdon\'twanttosasssuchfamouslitterypeople,butyouseetheykindofforcedme。Thereain\'tnothingunreasonable\'boutme;Idon\'tmindapasselofguestsa—treadin\'onmytailthreeorfourtimes,butwhenitcomestostandingonitit\'sdifferent,\'andifthecourtknowsherself,\'I

says,\'you\'lltakewhiskeystraightoryou\'llgodry。\'Well,betweendrinksthey\'dswellaroundthecabinandstrikeattitudesandspout;

andprettysoontheygotoutagreasyolddeckandwenttoplayingeuchreattencentsacorner—ontrust。Ibegantonoticesomeprettysuspiciousthings。Mr。Emersondealt,lookedathishand,shookhishead,says:

"\'Iamthedoubterandthedoubt—\'

andca\'mlybunchedthehandsandwenttoshufflingforanewlayout。

Sayshe:

"\'Theyreckonillwholeavemeout;

TheyknownotwellthesubtlewaysIkeep。

Ipassanddealagain！\'

"Hang\'difhedidn\'tgoaheadanddoit,too！Oh,hewasacoolone！

Well,inaboutaminutethingswererunningprettytight,butallofasuddenIseebyMr。Emerson\'seyehejudgedhehad\'em。Hehadalreadycorralledtwotricks,andeachoftheothersone。Sonowhekindofliftsalittleinhischairandsays:

"\'Itireofglobesandaces！—

Toolongthegameisplayed！\'

—anddownhefetchedarightbower。Mr。Longfellowsmilesassweetaspieandsays:

"\'Thanks,thankstothee,myworthyfriend,Forthelessonthouhasttaught,\'

—andblamedifhedidn\'tdownwithanotherrightbower！Emersonclapshishandonhisbowie,Longfellowclapshisonhisrevolver,andIwentunderabunk。Therewasgoingtobetrouble;butthatmonstrousHolmesroseup,wobblinghisdoublechins,andsayshe,\'Order,gentlemen;thefirstmanthatdraws,I\'lllaydownonhimandsmotherhim！\'AllquietonthePotomac,youbet！

"Theywereprettyhow—come—you—sobynow,andtheybeguntoblow。

Emersonsays,\'ThenobbiestthingIeverwrotewas"BarbaraFrietchie。"\'SaysLongfellow,\'Itdon\'tbeginwithmy"BiglowPapers。"\'SaysHolmes,\'My"Thanatopis"laysover\'emboth。\'Theymightynearendedinafight。Thentheywishedtheyhadsomemorecompany—andMr。Emersonpointedtomeandsays:

"\'IsyondersqualidpeasantallThatthisproudnurserycouldbreed？\'

"Hewasa—whettinghisbowieonhisboot—soIletitpass。Well,sir,nexttheytookitintotheirheadsthattheywouldlikesomemusic;sotheymademestandupandsing"WhenJohnnyComesMarchingHome"tillIdropped—atthirteenminutespastfourthismorning。

That\'swhatI\'vebeenthrough,myfriend。WhenIwokeatseven,theywereleaving,thankgoodness,andMr。Longfellowhadmyonlybootson,andhis\'nunderhisarm。SaysI,\'Holdon,there,Evangeline,whatareyougoingtodowiththem？\'Hesays,\'Goingtomaketrackswith\'em;

because:

"\'LivesofgreatmenallremindusWecanmakeourlivessublime;

And,departing,leavebehindusFootprintsonthesandsoftime。\'

AsIsaid,Mr。Twain,youarethefourthintwenty—fourhours—andI\'mgoingtomove;Iain\'tsuitedtoalitteryatmosphere。"

Isaidtotheminer,"Why,mydearsir,thesewerenotthegracioussingerstowhomweandtheworldpaylovingreverenceandhomage;thesewereimpostors。"

Theminerinvestigatedmewithacalmeyeforawhile;thensaidhe,"Ah！impostors,werethey？Areyou？"

Ididnotpursuethesubject,andsincethenIhavenottravelledonmynomdeguerreenoughtohurt。SuchwasthereminiscenceIwasmovedtocontribute,Mr。Chairman。InmyenthusiasmImayhaveexaggeratedthedetailsalittle,butyouwilleasilyforgivemethatfault,sinceIbelieveitisthefirsttimeIhaveeverdeflectedfromperpendicularfactonanoccasionlikethis。

FromMarkTwain\'sAutobiography。

January11,1906。

Answertoaletterreceivedthismorning:

DEARMRS。H。,—Iamforeveryourdebtorforremindingmeofthatcuriouspassageinmylife。Duringthefirstyearortwoafterithappened,Icouldnotbeartothinkofit。Mypainandshameweresointense,andmysenseofhavingbeenanimbecilesosettled,establishedandconfirmed,thatIdrovetheepisodeentirelyfrommymind—andsoallthesetwenty—eightortwenty—nineyearsIhavelivedintheconvictionthatmyperformanceofthattimewascoarse,vulgar,anddestituteofhumor。Butyoursuggestionthatyouandyourfamilyfoundhumorinittwenty—eightyearsagomovedmetolookintothematter。SoIcommissionedaBostontypewritertodelveamongtheBostonpapersofthatbygonetimeandsendmeacopyofit。

Itcamethismorning,andifthereisanyvulgarityaboutitIamnotabletodiscoverit。Ifitisn\'tinnocentlyandridiculouslyfunny,Iamnojudge。Iwillseetoitthatyougetacopy。

WhatIhavesaidtoMrs。H。istrue。Ididsufferduringayearortwofromthedeephumiliationsofthatepisode。Butatlast,in1888,inVenice,mywifeandIcameacrossMr。andMrs。A。P。C。,ofConcord,Massachusetts,andafriendshipbeganthenofthesortwhichnothingbutdeathterminates。TheC。\'swereverybrightpeopleandineverywaycharmingandcompanionable。WeweretogetheramonthortwoinVeniceandseveralmonthsinRome,afterward,andonedaythatlamentedbreakofminewasmentioned。AndwhenIwasonthepointoflatheringthosepeopleforbringingittomymindwhenIhadgottenthememoryofitalmostsquelched,IperceivedwithjoythattheC。\'swereindignantaboutthewaythatmyperformancehadbeenreceivedinBoston。Theypouredouttheiropinionsmostfreelyandfranklyaboutthefrostyattitudeofthepeoplewhowerepresentatthatperformance,andabouttheBostonnewspapersforthepositiontheyhadtakeninregardtothematter。ThatpositionwasthatIhadbeenirreverentbeyondbelief,beyondimagination。Verywell;Ihadacceptedthatasafactforayearortwo,andhadbeenthoroughlymiserableaboutitwheneverIthoughtofit—whichwasnotfrequently,ifIcouldhelpit。WheneverIthoughtofitI

wonderedhowIevercouldhavebeeninspiredtodosounholyathing。Well,theC。\'scomfortedme,buttheydidnotpersuademetocontinuetothinkabouttheunhappyepisode。Iresistedthat。I

triedtogetitoutofmymind,andletitdie,andIsucceeded。UntilMrs。H。\'slettercame,ithadbeenagoodtwenty—fiveyearssinceI

hadthoughtofthatmatter;andwhenshesaidthatthethingwasfunnyIwonderedifpossiblyshemightberight。Atanyrate,mycuriositywasaroused,andIwrotetoBostonandgotthewholethingcopied,asabovesetforth。

Ivaguelyremembersomeofthedetailsofthatgathering—dimlyI

canseeahundredpeopleno,perhapsfifty—shadowyfiguressittingattablesfeeding,ghostsnowtome,andnamelessforevermore。Idon\'tknowwhotheywere,butIcanverydistinctlysee,seatedatthegrandtableandfacingtherestofus,Mr。Emerson,supernaturallygrave,unsmiling？Mr。Whittier,grave,lovely,hisbeautifulspiritshiningoutofhisface;Mr。Longfellow,withhissilkenwhitehairandhisbenignantface;Dr。OliverWendellHolmes,flashingsmilesandaffectionandallgood—fellowshipeverywherelikearose—diamondwhosefacetsarebeingturnedtowardthelightfirstonewayandthenanother—acharmingman,andalwaysfascinating,whetherhewastalkingorwhetherhewassittingstill（whathewouldcallstill,butwhatwouldbemoreorlessmotiontootherpeople）。Icanseethosefigureswithentiredistinctnessacrossthisabyssoftime。

Oneotherfeatureisclear—WillieWinter（forthesepastthousandyearsdramaticeditoroftheNewYorkTribune,andstilloccupyingthathighpostinhisoldage）wasthere。Hewasmuchyoungerthenthanheisnow,andheshowedit。ItwasalwaysapleasuretometoseeWillieWinteratabanquet。DuringamatteroftwentyyearsI

wasseldomatabanquetwhereWillieWinterwasnotalsopresent,andwherehedidnotreadacharmingpoemwrittenfortheoccasion。Hediditthistime,anditwasuptostandard:dainty,happy,choicelyphrased,andasgoodtolistentoasmusic,andsoundingexactlyasifitwaspouringunpreparedoutofheartandbrain。

NowatthatpointendsallthatwaspleasurableaboutthatnotablecelebrationofMr。Whittier\'sseventiethbirthday—becauseIgotupatthatpointandfollowedWinter,withwhatIhavenodoubtIsupposedwouldbethegemoftheevening—thegayorationabovequotedfromtheBostonpaper。Ihadwrittenitalloutthedaybeforeandhadperfectlymemorizedit,andIstoodupthereatmygenialandhappyandself—satisfiedease,andbegintodeliverit。Thosemajesticguests,thatrowofvenerableandstillactivevolcanoes,listened,asdideverybodyelseinthehouse,withattentiveinterest。Well,I

deliveredmyselfof—we\'llsaythefirsttwohundredwordsofmyspeech。Iwasexpectingnoreturnsfromthatpartofthespeech,butthiswasnotthecaseasregardedtherestofit。Iarrivednowatthedialogue:"Theoldminersaid,\'Youarethefourth,I\'mgoingtomove。\'\'Thefourthwhat？\'saidI。Heanswered,\'Thefourthlitterymanthathasbeenhereintwenty—fourhours。Iamgoingtomove。\'\'Why,youdon\'ttellme,\'saidI。\'Whoweretheothers？\'\'Mr。Longfellow,Mr。Emerson,Mr。OliverWendellHolmes,consoundthelot—\'"

Now,then,thehouse\'sattentioncontinued,buttheexpressionofinterestinthefacesturnedtoasortofblackfrost。Iwonderedwhatthetroublewas。Ididn\'tknow。Iwenton,butwithdifficulty—I

struggledalong,andentereduponthatminer\'sfearfuldescriptionofthebogusEmerson,thebogusHolmes,thebogusLongfellow,alwayshoping—butwithagraduallyperishinghope—thatsomebodywouldlaugh,orthatsomebodywouldatleastsmile,butnobodydid。Ididn\'tknowenoughtogiveitupandsitdown,Iwastoonewtopublicspeaking,andsoIwentonwiththisawfulperformance,andcarrieditclearthroughtotheend,infrontofabodyofpeoplewhoseemedturnedtostonewithhorror。ItwasthesortofexpressiontheirfaceswouldhavewornifIhadbeenmakingtheseremarksabouttheDeityandtherestoftheTrinity;thereisnomilderwayinwhichtodescribethepetrifiedconditionandtheghastlyexpressionofthosepeople。

WhenIsatdownitwaswithaheartwhichhadlongceasedtobeat。I

shallneverbeasdeadagainasIwasthen。IshallneverbeasmiserableagainasIwasthen。Ispeaknowasonewhodoesn\'tknowwhattheconditionofthingsmaybeinthenextworld,butinthisoneIshallneverbeaswretchedagainasIwasthen。Howells,whowasnearme,triedtosayacomfortingword,butcouldn\'tgetbeyondagasp。Therewasnouse—heunderstoodthewholesizeofthedisaster。Hehadgoodintentions,butthewordsfrozebeforetheycouldgetout。Itwasanatmospherethatwouldfreezeanything。IfBenvenutoCellini\'ssalamanderhadbeeninthatplacehewouldnothavesurvivedtobeputintoCellini\'sautobiography。Therewasafrightfulpause。Therewasanawfulsilence,adesolatingsilence。

Thenthenextmanonthelisthadtogetup—therewasnohelpforit。

ThatwasBishop—Bishophadjustbursthandsomelyupontheworldwithamostacceptablenovel,whichhadappearedinTheAtlanticMonthly,aplacewhichwouldmakeanynovelrespectableandanyauthornoteworthy。Inthiscasethenovelitselfwasrecognizedasbeing,withoutextraneoushelp,respectable。Bishopwasawayupinthepublicfavor,andhewasanobjectofhighinterest,consequentlytherewasasortofnationalexpectancyintheair;wemaysayourAmericanmillionswerestanding,fromMainetoTexasandfromAlaskatoFlorida,holdingtheirbreath,theirlipsparted,theirhandsreadytoapplaud,whenBishopshouldgetuponthatoccasion,andforthefirsttimeinhislifespeakinpublic。Itwasunderthesedamagingconditionsthathegotupto"makegood,"asthevulgarsay。Ihadspokenseveraltimesbefore,andthatisthereasonwhyIwasabletogoonwithoutdyinginmytracks,asIoughttohavedone—butBishophadhadnoexperience。Hewasupfacingthoseawfuldeities—

facingthoseotherpeople,thosestrangers—facinghumanbeingsforthefirsttimeinhislife,withaspeechtoutter。Nodoubtitwaswellpackedawayinhismemory,nodoubtitwasfreshandusable,untilIhadbeenheardfrom。Isupposethatafterthat,andunderthesmotheringpallofthatdrearysilence,itbegantowasteawayanddisappearoutofhisheadliketheragsbreakingfromtheedgeofafog,andpresentlytherewasn\'tanyfogleft。Hedidn\'tgoon—hedidn\'tlastlong。Itwasnotmanysentencesafterhisfirstbeforehebegantohesitate,andbreak,andlosehisgrip,andtotter,andwobble,andatlastheslumpeddowninalimpandmushypile。

Well,theprogrammefortheoccasionwasprobablynotmorethanone—thirdfinished,butitendedthere。Nobodyrose。Thenextmanhadn\'tstrengthenoughtogetup,andeverybodylookedsodazed,sostupefied,paralyzed,itwasimpossibleforanybodytodoanything,oreventry。Nothingcouldgooninthatstrangeatmosphere。Howellsmournfully,andwithoutwords,hitchedhimselftoBishopandmeandsupportedusoutoftheroom。Itwasverykind—hewasmostgenerous。Hetowedustotteringawayintosomeroominthatbuilding,andwesatdownthere。Idon\'tknowwhatmyremarkwasnow,butIknowthenatureofit。Itwasthekindofremarkyoumakewhenyouknowthatnothingintheworldcanhelpyourcase。ButHowellswashonest—hehadtosaytheheart—breakingthingshedidsay:thattherewasnohelpforthiscalamity,thisshipwreck,thiscataclysm;thatthiswasthemostdisastrousthingthathadeverhappenedinanybody\'shistory—andthenheadded,"Thatis,foryou—

andconsiderwhatyouhavedoneforBishop。Itisbadenoughinyourcase,youdeservetosuffer。Youhavecommittedthiscrime,andyoudeservetohaveallyouaregoingtoget。Buthereisaninnocentman。

Bishophadneverdoneyouanyharm,andseewhatyouhavedonetohim。

Hecanneverholdhisheadupagain。TheworldcanneverlookuponBishopasbeingaliveperson。Heisacorpse。"

Thatisthehistoryofthatepisodeoftwenty—eightyearsago,whichprettynearlykilledmewithshameduringthatfirstyearortwowheneveritforceditswayintomymind。

Nowthen,Itakethatspeechupandexamineit。AsIsaid,itarrivedthismorning,fromBoston。Ihavereadittwice,andunlessIamanidiot,ithasn\'tasingledefectinitfromthefirstwordtothelast。Itisjustasgoodasgoodcanbe。Itissmart;itissaturatedwithhumor。Thereisn\'tasuggestionofcoarsenessorvulgarityinitanywhere。Whatcouldhavebeenthematterwiththathouse？Itisamazing,itisincredible,thattheydidn\'tshoutwithlaughter,andthosedeitiestheloudestofthemall。Couldthefaulthavebeenwithme？DidIlosecouragewhenIsawthosegreatmenuptherewhomIwasgoingtodescribeinsuchastrangefashion？Ifthathappened,ifIshoweddoubt,thatcanaccountforit,foryoucan\'tbesuccessfullyfunnyifyoushowthatyouareafraidofit。

Well,Ican\'taccountforit,butifIhadthosebelovedandreveredoldliteraryimmortalsbackherenowontheplatformatCarnegieHallIwouldtakethatsameoldspeech,deliverit,wordforword,andmeltthemtillthey\'drunalloverthatstage。Oh,thefaultmusthavebeenwithme,itisnotinthespeechatall。

PLYMOUTHROCKANDTHEPILGRIMS。

ADDRESSATTHEFIRSTANNUALDINNER,N。E。SOCIETY,PHILADELPHIA,DECEMBER22,1881。

OncallinguponMr。Clemenstomakeresponse,PresidentRollinssaid:

"ThissentimenthasbeenassignedtoonewhowasneverexactlyborninNewEngland,nor,perhaps,wereanyofhisancestors。Heisnottechnically,therefore,ofNewEnglanddescent。Underthepainfulcircumstancesinwhichhehasfoundhimself,however,hehasdonethebesthecould—hehashadallhischildrenbornthere,andhasmadeofhimselfaNewEnglandancestor。Heisaself—mademan。

Morethanthis,andbettereven,incheerful,hopeful,helpfulliteratureheisofNewEnglandascent。Toascendthereinanythingthat\'sreasonableisdifficult,for—confidentially,withthedoorshut—weallknowthattheyarethebrightest,ablestsonsofthatgoodlylandwhoneverleaveit,anditisamongandabovethemthatMr。Twainhasmadehisbrilliantandpermanentascent—becomeamanofmark。"

IRISEtoprotest。Ihavekeptstillforyears,butreallyIthinkthereisnosufficientjustificationforthissortofthing。Whatdoyouwanttocelebratethosepeoplefor？—thoseancestorsofyoursof1620—theMayflowertribe,Imean。Whatdoyouwanttocelebratethemfor？Yourpardon:thegentlemanatmyleftassuresmethatyouarenotcelebratingthePilgrimsthemselves,butthelandingofthePilgrimsatPlymouthRockonthe22dofDecember。Soyouarecelebratingtheirlanding。Why,theotherpretextwasthinenough,butthisisthinnerthanever;theotherwastissue,tinfoil,fish—bladder,butthisisgold—leaf。Celebratingtheirlanding！Whatwasthereremarkableaboutit,Iwouldliketoknow？Whatcanyoubethinkingof？Why,thosePilgrimshadbeenatseathreeorfourmonths。

Itwastheverymiddleofwinter:itwasascoldasdeathoffCapeCodthere。Whyshouldn\'ttheycomeashore？Iftheyhadn\'tlandedtherewouldbesomereasonforcelebratingthefact。Itwouldhavebeenacaseofmonumentalleatherheadednesswhichtheworldwouldnotwillinglyletdie。Ifithadbeenyou,gentlemen,youprobablywouldn\'thavelanded,butyouhavenoshadowofrighttobecelebrating,inyourancestors,giftswhichtheydidnotexercise,butonlytransmitted。Why,tobecelebratingthemerelandingofthePilgrims—tobetryingtomakeoutthatthismostnaturalandsimpleandcustomaryprocedurewasanextraordinarycircumstance—acircumstancetobeamazedat,andadmired,aggrandizedandglorified,atorgieslikethisfortwohundredandsixtyyears—hangit,ahorsewouldhaveknownenoughtoland;ahorse—Pardonagain;

thegentlemanonmyrightassuresmethatitwasnotmerelythelandingofthePilgrimsthatwearecelebrating,butthePilgrimsthemselves。Sowehavestruckaninconsistencyhere—onesaysitwasthelanding,theothersaysitwasthePilgrims。Itisaninconsistencycharacteristicofyourintractableanddisputatioustribe,foryouneveragreeaboutanythingbutBoston。Well,then,whatdoyouwanttocelebratethosePilgrimsfor？Theywereamightyhardlot—youknowit。Igrantyou,withouttheslightestunwillingness,thattheywereadealmoregentleandmercifulandjustthanwerethepeopleofEuropeofthatday;Igrantyouthattheyarebetterthantheirpredecessors。Butwhatofthat？—thatisnothing。Peoplealwaysprogress。Youarebetterthanyourfathersandgrandfatherswere（thisisthefirsttimeIhaveeveraimedameasurelessslanderatthedeparted,forIconsidersuchthingsimproper）。Yes,thoseamongyouwhohavenotbeeninthepenitentiary,ifsuchtherebe,arebetterthanyourfathersandgrandfatherswere;butisthatanysufficientreasonforgettingupannualdinnersandcelebratingyou？

No,bynomeans—bynomeans。Well,Irepeat,thosePilgrimswereahardlot。Theytookgoodcareofthemselves,buttheyabolishedeverybodyelse\'sancestors。Iamaborder—ruffianfromtheStateofMissouri。IamaConnecticutYankeebyadoption。Inme,youhaveMissourimorals,Connecticutculture;this,gentlemen,isthecombinationwhichmakestheperfectman。Butwherearemyancestors？

WhomshallIcelebrate？WhereshallIfindtherawmaterial？

MyfirstAmericanancestor,gentlemen,wasanIndian—anearlyIndian。Yourancestorsskinnedhimalive,andIamanorphan。NotonedropofmybloodflowsinthatIndian\'sveinstoday。Istandhere,loneandforlorn,withoutanancestor。Theyskinnedhim！Idonotobjecttothat,iftheyneededhisfur;butalive,gentlemen—alive！

Theyskinnedhimalive—andbeforecompany！Thatiswhatrankles。

Thinkhowhemusthavefelt;forhewasasensitivepersonandeasilyembarrassed。Ifhehadbeenabird,itwouldhavebeenallright,andnoviolencedonetohisfeelings,becausehewouldhavebeenconsidered"dressed。"Buthewasnotabird,gentlemen,hewasaman,andprobablyoneofthemostundressedmenthateverwas。Iaskyoutoputyourselvesinhisplace。Iaskitasafavor;Iaskitasatardyactofjustice;Iaskitintheinterestoffidelitytothetraditionsofyourancestors;Iaskitthattheworldmaycontemplate,withvisionunobstructedbydisguisingswallow—tailsandwhitecravats,thespectaclewhichthetrueNewEnglandSocietyoughttopresent。Ceasetocometotheseannualorgiesinthishollowmodernmockery—thesurplusageofraiment。Comeincharacter;comeinthesummergrace,comeintheunadornedsimplicity,comeinthefreeandjoyouscostumewhichyoursaintedancestorsprovidedformine。

LaterancestorsofmineweretheQuakersWilliamRobinson,MarmadukeStevenson,etal。Yourtribechasedthemoutofthecountryfortheirreligion\'ssake;promisedthemdeathiftheycameback;foryourancestorshadforsakenthehomestheyloved,andbravedtheperilsofthesea,theimplacableclimate,andthesavagewilderness,toacquirethathighestandmostpreciousofboons,freedomforeverymanonthisbroadcontinenttoworshipaccordingtothedictatesofhisownconscience—andtheywerenotgoingtoallowalotofpestiferousQuakerstointerferewithit。Yourancestorsbrokeforeverthechainsofpoliticalslavery,andgavethevotetoeverymaninthiswideland,excludingnone！—noneexceptthosewhodidnotbelongtotheorthodoxchurch。Yourancestors—yes,theywereahardlot;but,nevertheless,theygaveusreligiouslibertytoworshipastheyrequiredustoworship,andpoliticallibertytovoteasthechurchrequired;andsoIthebereftone,Itheforlornone,amheretodomybesttohelpyoucelebratethemright。

TheQuakerwomanElizabethHootonwasanancestressofmine。Yourpeoplewereprettyseverewithher—youwillconfessthat。But,poorthing！Ibelievetheychangedheropinionsbeforeshedied,andtookherintotheirfold;andsowehaveeveryreasontopresumethatwhenshediedshewenttothesameplacewhichyourancestorswentto。

Itisagreatpity,forshewasagoodwoman。RogerWilliamswasanancestorofmine。Idon\'treallyrememberwhatyourpeopledidwithhim。ButtheybanishedhimtoRhodeIsland,anyway。Andthen,I

believe,recognizingthatthiswasreallycarryingharshnesstoanunjustifiableextreme,theytookpityonhimandburnedhim。Theywereahardlot！AllthoseSalemwitcheswereancestorsofmine！Yourpeoplemadeittropicalforthem。Yes,theydid;bypressureandthegallowstheymadesuchacleandealwiththemthattherehasn\'tbeenawitchandhardlyahalterinourfamilyfromthatdaytothis,andthatisonehundredandeighty—nineyears。ThefirstslavebroughtintoNewEnglandoutofAfricabyyourprogenitorswasanancestorofmine—forIamofamixedbreed,aninfinitelyshadedandexquisiteMongrel。I\'mnotoneofyourshammeerschaumsthatyoucancolorinaweek。No,mycomplexionisthepatientartofeightgenerations。

Well,inmyowntime,Ihadacquiredalotofmykin—bypurchase,andswappingaround,andonewayandanother—andwasgettingalongverywell。Then,withtheinbornperversityofyourlineage,yougotupawar,andtookthemallawayfromme。Andso,againamIbereft,againamIforlorn;nodropofmybloodflowsintheveinsofanylivingbeingwhoismarketable。

Omyfriends,hearmeandreform！Iseekyourgood,notmine。Youhaveheardthespeeches。DisbandtheseNewEnglandsocieties—

nurseriesofasystemofsteadilyaugmentinglaudationandhosannaing,which,ifpersistedinuncurbed,maysomedayintheremotefuturebeguileyouintoprevaricatingandbragging。Oh,stop,stop,whileyouarestilltemperateinyourappreciationofyourancestors！Hearme,I

beseechyou;getupanauctionandsellPlymouthRock！ThePilgrimswereasimpleandignorantrace。Theyneverhadseenanygoodrocksbefore,oratleastanythatwerenotwatched,andsotheywereexcusableforhoppingashoreinfranticdelightandclappinganironfencearoundthisone。Butyou,gentlemen,areeducated;youareenlightened;youknowthatintherichlandofyournativity,opulentNewEngland,overflowingwithrocks,thisoneisn\'tworth,attheoutside,morethanthirty—fivecents。Therefore,sellit,beforeitisinjuredbyexposure,oratleastthrowitopentothepatent—medicineadvertisements,andletitearnitstaxes。

Yes,hearyourtruefriend—youronlytruefriend—listtohisvoice。Disbandthesesocieties,hotbedsofvice,ofmoraldecay—

perpetuatorsofancestralsuperstition。HereonthisboardIseewater,Iseemilk,Iseethewildanddeadlylemonade。Thesearebutstepsuponthedownwardpath。Nextweshallseetea,thenchocolate,thencoffee—hotelcoffee。Afewmoreyears—alltoofew,Ifear—markmywords,weshallhavecider！Gentlemen,pauseereitbetoolate。

Youareonthebroadroadwhichleadstodissipation,physicalruin,moraldecay,gorycrimeandthegallows！Ibeseechyou,Iimploreyou,inthenameofyouranxiousfriends,inthenameofyoursufferingfamilies,inthenameofyourimpendingwidowsandorphans,stopereitbetoolate。DisbandtheseNewEnglandsocieties,renouncethesesoul—blisteringsaturnalia,ceasefromvarnishingtherustyreputationsofyourlong—vanishedancestors—thesuper—high—moraloldiron—cladsofCapeCod,thepiousbuccaneersofPlymouthRock—