第10章

Inthosequalitiesoftheheartwhichbegetaffectioninallsortsandconditionsofmenshewasrich,surprisinglyrich,andforthisshewillstillberememberedandreveredinthefar—offageswhenthepoliticalgloriesofherreignshallhavefadedfromvitalhistoryandfallentoaplaceinthatscrap—heapofunverifiableoddsandendswhichwecalltradition。Whichistosay,inbrieferphrase,thathernamewilllivealways。Andwithithercharacter—afamerareinthehistoryofthrones,dominions,principalities,andpowers,sinceitwillnotrestuponharvestedselfishandsordidambitions,butuponlove,earnedandfreelyvouchsafed。Shemendedbrokenheartswhereshecould,butshebrokenone。

WhatshedidforusinAmericainourtimeofstormandstressweshallnotforget,andwheneverwecallittomindweshallalwaysrememberthewiseandrighteousmindthatguidedherinitandsustainedandsupportedher—PrinceAlbert\'s。Weneednottalkanyidletalkhereto—nightabouteitherpossibleorimpossiblewarbetweenthetwocountries;therewillbenowarwhileweremainsaneandthesonofVictoriaandAlbertsitsuponthethrone。Inconclusion,IbelieveImayjustlyclaimtoutterthevoiceofmycountryinsayingthatweholdhimindeephonor,andalsoincordiallywishinghimalonglifeandahappyreign。

JOANOFARC。

ADDRESSATTHEDINNEROFTHESOCIETYOFILLUSTRATORS,GIVENATTHEALDINEASSOCIATIONCLUB,DECEMBER22,1905。

JustbeforeMr。Clemensmadehisspeech,ayoungwomanattiredasJoanofArc,withapagebearingherflagofbattle,courtesiedreverentlyandtenderedMr。Clemensalaurelwreathonasatinpillow。

Hetriedtospeak,buthisvoicefailedfromexcessofemotion。"I

thankyou！"hefinallyexclaimed,and,pullinghimselftogether,hebeganhisspeech。

NOWthereisanillustration[pointingtotheretreatingJoanofArc]。ThatisexactlywhatIwanted—preciselywhatIwanted—whenI

wasdescribingtomyselfJoanofArc,afterstudyingherhistoryandhercharacterfortwelveyearsdiligently。

Thatwastheproduct—nottheconventionalJoanofArc。WhereveryoufindtheconventionalJoanofArcinhistorysheisanoffencetoanybodywhoknowsthestoryofthatwonderfulgirl。

Why,shewas—shewasalmostsupremeinseveraldetails。Shehadamarvellousintellect;shehadagreatheart,hadanoblespirit,wasabsolutelypureinhercharacter,herfeeling,herlanguage,herwords,hereverything—shewasonlyeighteenyearsold。

Nowputthatheartintosuchabreast—eighteenyearsold—andgiveitthatmasterlyintellectwhichshowedinthefate,andfurnishitwiththatalmostgod—likespirit,andwhatareyougoingtohave？TheconventionalJoanofArc？Notbyanymeans。Thatisimpossible。Icannotcomprehendanysuchthingasthat。

Youmusthaveacreaturelikethatyoungandfairandbeautifulgirlwejustsaw。Andherspiritmustlookoutoftheeyes。Thefigureshouldbe—thefigureshouldbeinharmonywithallthat,but,oh,whatwegetintheconventionalpicture,anditisalwaystheconventionalpicture！

Ihopeyouwillallowmetosaythatyourguild,whenyoutaketheconventional,youhavegotitatsecond—hand。Certainly,ifyouhadstudiedandstudied,thenyoumighthavesomethingelseasaresult,butwhenyouhavethecommonconventionyousticktothat。

Youcannotprevailupontheartisttodoit;healwaysgivesyouaJoanofArc—thatlovelycreaturethatstartedagreatcareeratthirteen,butwhosegreatnessarrivedwhenshewaseighteen;andmerelybecauseshewasagirlhecannotseethedivinityinher,andsohepaintsapeasant,acoarseandlubberlyfigure—thefigureofacotton—bale,andheclothesthatinthecoarsestraimentofthepeasantregion—justlikeafish—woman,herhaircroppedshortlikeaRussianpeasant,andthatfaceofhers,whichshouldbebeautifulandwhichshouldradiatealltheglorieswhichareinthespiritandinherheart—thatexpressioninthatfaceisalwaysjustthefixedexpressionofaham。

ButnowMr。Beardhasintimatedamomentago,andsohasSirPurdon—Clarkealso,thattheartist,theillustrator,doesnotoftengettheideaofthemanwhosebookheisillustrating。HereisaveryremarkableinstanceoftheotherthinginMr。Beard,whoillustratedabookofmine。Youmayneverhaveheardofit。Iwilltellyouaboutitnow—AYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt。

Now,BeardgoteverythingthatIputintothatbookandalittlemorebesides。ThosepicturesofBeard\'sinthatbook—oh,fromthefirstpagetothelastisonevastsardoniclaughatthetrivialities,theservilitiesofourpoorhumanrace,andalsoattheprofessionsandtheinsolenceofpriest—craftandking—craft—thosecreaturesthatmakeslavesofthemselvesandhavenotthemanlinesstoshakeitoff。Beardputitallinthatbook。Imeantittobethere。IputalotofitthereandBeardputtherest。

ThatpublisherofmineinHartfordhadaneyeforthepennies,andhesavedthem。Hedidnotwasteanyontheillustrations。Hehadaverygoodartist—Williams—whohadnevertakenalessonindrawing。

Everythinghedidwasoriginal。Thepublisherhiredthecheapestwood—engraverhecouldfind,andinmyearlybooksyoucanseeatraceofthat。YoucanseethatifWilliamshadhadachancehewouldhavemadesomeverygoodpictures。Hehadagoodheartandgoodintentions。

Ihadacharacterinthefirstbookheillustrated—TheInnocentsAbroad。Thatwasaboyseventeenoreighteenyearsold—JackVanNostrand—aNewYorkboy,who,tomymind,wasaveryremarkablecreature。HeandItriedtogetWilliamstounderstandthatboy,andmakeapictureofJackthatwouldbeworthyofJack。

Jackwasamostsingularcombination。HewasbornandrearedinNewYorkhere。Hewasasdelicateinhisfeelings,ascleanandpureandrefinedinhisfeelingsasanylovelygirlthateverwas,butwheneverheexpressedafeelinghediditinBoweryslang,anditwasamostcuriouscombination—thatdelicacyofhisandthatapparentcoarseness。TherewasnocoarsenessinsideofJackatall,andJack,inthecourseofseventeenoreighteenyears,hadacquiredacapitalofignorancethatwasmarvellous—ignoranceofvariousthings,notofallthings。Forinstance,hedidnotknowanythingabouttheBible。

HehadneverbeeninSunday—school。JackgotmoreoutoftheHolyLandthananybodyelse,becausetheothersknewwhattheywereexpecting,butitwasalandofsurprisestohim。

Isaidinthebookthatwefoundhimwatchingaturtleonalog,stoningthatturtle,andhewasstoningthatturtlebecausehehadreadthat"Thesongoftheturtlewasheardintheland,"andthisturtlewouldn\'tsing。Itsoundedabsurd,butitwaschargedonJackasafact,andashewentalongthroughthatcountryhehadaproperfoilinanoldrebelcolonel,whowassuperintendentandheadengineerinalargeSunday—schoolinWheeling,WestVirginia。Thatmanwasfullofenthusiasmwhereverhewent,andwouldstandanddeliverhimselfofspeeches,andJackwouldlistentothosespeechesofthecolonelandwonder。

Jackhadmadeatripasachildalmostacrossthiscontinentinthefirstoverlandstage—coach。Thatman\'snamewhoranthatlineofstages—well,Ideclarethatnameisgone。Well,nameswillgo。

Halliday—ah,that\'sthename—BenHalliday,youruncle[turningtoMr。Carnegie]。Thatwasthefellow—BenHalliday—andJackwasfullofadmirationattheprodigiousspeedthatthatlineofstagesmade—

anditwasgoodspeed—onehundredandtwenty—fivemilesaday,goingdayandnight,anditwastheeventofJack\'slife,andthereattheFordsoftheJordanthecolonelwasinspiredtoaspeech（hewasalwaysmakingaspeech）,sohecalledusuptohim。Hecalledupfivesinnersandthreesaints。IthasbeenonlylatelythatMr。

Carnegiebeatifiedme。Andhesaid:"HerearetheFordsoftheJordan—

amonumentalplace。Atthisverypoint,whenMosesbroughtthechildrenofIsraelthrough—hebroughtthechildrenofIsraelfromEgyptthroughthedesertyouseethere—heguardedthemthroughthatdesertpatiently,patientlyduringfortyyears,andbroughtthemtothisspotsafeandsound。Thereyousee—thereisthesceneofwhatMosesdid。"

AndJacksaid:"Moseswho？"

"Oh,"hesays,"Jack,yououghtnottoaskthat！Moses,thegreatlaw—giver！Moses,thegreatpatriot！Moses,thegreatwarrior！

Moses,thegreatguide,who,asItellyou,broughtthesepeoplethroughthesethreehundredmilesofsandinfortyyears,andlandedthemsafeandsound。"

Jacksaid:"There\'snothin\'inthatthreehundredmilesinfortyyears。BenHallidaywouldhavesnaked\'emthroughinthirty—sixhours。"

Well,IwasspeakingofJack\'sinnocence,anditwasbeautiful。Jackwasnotignorantonallsubjects。ThatboywasadeepstudentinthehistoryofAnglo—Saxonliberty,andhewasapatriotallthewaythroughtothemarrow。Therewasasubjectthatinterestedhimallthetime。OthersubjectswereofnoconcerntoJack,butthatquaint,inscrutableinnocenceofhisIcouldnotgetWilliamstoputintothepicture。

Yes,Williamswantedtodoit。Hesaid:"Iwillmakehimasinnocentasavirgin。"Hethoughtamoment,andthensaid,"Iwillmakehimasinnocentasanunbornvirgin,"whichcoveredtheground。

IwasremindedofJackbecauseIcameacrossaletterto—daywhichisoverthirtyyearsoldthatJackwrote。Jackwasdoomedtoconsumption。Hewasverylongandslim,poorcreature,andinayearortwoafterhegotbackfromthatexcursiontotheHolyLandhewentonarideonhorsebackthroughColorado,andhedidnotlastbutayearortwo。

Hewrotethisletter,nottome,buttoafriendofmine,andhesaid:"Ihaveriddenhorseback"—thiswasthreeyearsafter—"Ihaveriddenhorsebackfourhundredmilesthroughadesertcountrywhereyouneverseeanythingbutcattlenowandthen,andnowandthenacattlestation—tenmilesapart,twentymilesapart。NowyoutellClemensthatinallthatstretchoffourhundredmilesIhaveseenonlytwobooks—theBibleandInnocentsAbroad。TellClemenstheBiblewasinaverygoodcondition。"

Isaythathehadstudied,andhehad,therealSaxonliberty,theacquirementofourliberty,andJackusedtorepeatsomeverses—I

don\'tknowwheretheycamefrom,butIthoughtofthemto—daywhenI

sawthatletter—thatthatboycouldhavebeentalkingofhimselfinthosequotedlinesfromthatunknownpoet:

"ForhehadsatatSidney\'sfeetAndwalkedwithhiminplainapart,AndthroughthecenturiesheardthebeatOfFreedom\'smarchthroughCromwell\'sheart。"

Andhewasthatkindofaboy。Heshouldhavelived,andyetheshouldnothavelived,becausehediedatthatearlyage—hecouldn\'thavebeenmorethantwenty—hehadseenalltherewastoseeintheworldthatwasworththetroubleoflivinginit;hehadseenallofthisworldthatisvaluable;hehadseenallofthisworldthatwasillusion,andillusionistheonlyvaluablethinginit。Hehadarrivedatthatpointwherepresentlytheillusionswouldceaseandhewouldhaveenteredupontherealitiesoflife,andGodhelpthemanthathasarrivedatthatpoint。

ACCIDENTINSURANCE—ETC。

DELIVEREDINHARTFORD,ATADINNERTO

CORNELIUSWALFORD,OFLONDON。

GENTLEMEN,—Iamglad,indeed,toassistinwelcomingthedistinguishedguestofthisoccasiontoacitywhosefameasaninsurancecentrehasextendedtoalllands,andgivenusthenameofbeingaquadruplebandofbrothersworkingsweetlyhandinhand—theColt\'sarmscompanymakingthedestructionofourraceeasyandconvenient,ourlife—insurancecitizenspayingforthevictimswhentheypassaway,Mr。Battersonperpetuatingtheirmemorywithhisstatelymonuments,andourfire—insurancecomradestakingcareoftheirhereafter。Iamgladtoassistinwelcomingourguest—first,becauseheisanEnglishman,andIoweaheavydebtofhospitalitytocertainofhisfellow—countrymen;andsecondly,becauseheisinsympathywithinsurance,andhasbeenthemeansofmakingmanyothermencasttheirsympathiesinthesamedirection。

Certainlythereisnonoblerfieldforhumaneffortthantheinsurancelineofbusiness—especiallyaccidentinsurance。EversinceIhavebeenadirectorinanaccident—insurancecompanyIhavefeltthatIamabetterman。Lifehasseemedmoreprecious。

Accidentshaveassumedakindlieraspect。Distressingspecialprovidenceshavelosthalftheirhorror。Ilookuponacripplenowwithaffectionateinterest—asanadvertisement。Idonotseemtocareforpoetryanymore。Idonotcareforpoliticsevenagriculturedoesnotexciteme。Buttomenowthereisacharmaboutarailwaycollisionthatisunspeakable。

Thereisnothingmorebeneficentthanaccidentinsurance。Ihaveseenanentirefamilyliftedoutofpovertyandintoaffluencebythesimpleboonofabrokenleg。Ihavehadpeoplecometomeoncrutches,withtearsintheireyes,toblessthisbeneficentinstitution。Inallmyexperienceoflife,Ihaveseennothingsoseraphicasthelookthatcomesintoafreshlymutilatedman\'sfacewhenhefeelsinhisvestpocketwithhisremaininghandandfindshisaccidentticketallright。AndIhaveseennothingsosadasthelookthatcameintoanothersplinteredcustomer\'sfacewhenhefoundhecouldn\'tcollectonawoodenleg。

Iwillremarkhere,bywayofadvertisement,thatthatnoblecharitywhichwehavenamedtheHARTFORDACCIDENTINSURANCECOMPANY*isaninstitutionwhichispeculiarlytobedependedupon。Amanisboundtoprosperwhogivesithiscustom。Nomancantakeoutapolicyinitandnotgetcrippledbeforetheyearisout。Nowtherewasoneindigentmanwhohadbeendisappointedsooftenwithothercompaniesthathehadgrowndisheartened,hisappetitelefthim,heceasedtosmile—saidlifewasbutaweariness。ThreeweeksagoIgothimtoinsurewithus,andnowheisthebrightest,happiestspiritinthisland—hasagoodsteadyincomeandastylishsuitofnewbandageseveryday,andtravelsaroundonashutter。

*Thespeakerwasadirectorofthecompanynamed。

Iwillsay,inconclusion,thatmyshareofthewelcometoourguestisnonethelessheartybecauseItalksomuchnonsense,andIknowthatIcansaythesamefortherestofthespeakers。

OSTEOPATHY

OSTEOPATHY。

OnFebruary27,1901,Mr。ClemensappearedbeforetheAssemblyCommitteeinAlbany,NewYork,infavoroftheSeymourbilllegalizingthepracticeofosteopathy。

MR。CHAIRMANANDGENTLEMEN,—Dr。VanFleetisthegentlemanwhogavemethecharacter。Ihaveheardmycharacterdiscussedathousandtimesbeforeyouwereborn,sir,andshowntheiniquitiesinit,andyoudidnotgetmorethanhalfofthem。

Iwastouchedanddistressedwhentheybroughtthatpartofachildinhere,andprovedthatyoucannottakeachildtopiecesinthatway。Whatremarkablenamesthosediseaseshave！Itmakesmeenviousofthemanthathasthemall。Ihavehadmanydiseases,andamthankfulforallIhavehad。

OneofthegentlemenspokeoftheknowledgeofsomethingelsefoundinSweden,atreatmentwhichItook。Itis,Isuppose,akindredthing。Thereisapparentlynogreatdifferencebetweenthem。IwasayearandahalfinLondonandSweden,inthehandsofthatgrandoldman,Mr。Kildren。

Icannotcallhimadoctor,forhehasnottheauthoritytogiveacertificateifapatientshoulddie,butfortunatelytheydon\'t。

TheStatestandsasamightyGibraltarclothedwithpower。Itstandsbetweenmeandmybody,andtellsmewhatkindofadoctorImustemploy。WhenmysoulissickunlimitedspirituallibertyisgivenmebytheState。Nowthen,itdoesn\'tseemlogicalthattheStateshalldepartfromthisgreatpolicy,thehealthofthesoul,andchangeaboutandtaketheotherpositioninthematterofsmallerconsequence—thehealthofthebody。

TheBellbilllimitationswoulddrivetheosteopathsoutoftheState。Oh,dearme！whenyoudrivesomebodyoutoftheStateyoucreatethesameconditionasprevailedintheGardenofEden。Youwantthethingthatyoucan\'thave。Ididn\'tcaremuchabouttheosteopaths,butassoonasIfoundtheyweregoingtodrivethemoutI

gotinastateofuneasiness,andIcan\'tsleepnightsnow。

IknowhowAdamfeltintheGardenofEdenabouttheprohibitedapple。Adamdidn\'twanttheappletillhefoundouthecouldn\'thaveit,justashewouldhavewantedosteopathyifhecouldn\'thaveit。

Whosepropertyismybody？Probablymine。Isoregardit。IfI

experimentwithit,whomustbeanswerable？I,nottheState。IfI

chooseinjudiciously,doestheStatedie？Ohno。

Iwasthesubjectofmymother\'sexperiment。Shewaswise。Shemadeexperimentscautiously。Shedidn\'tpickoutjustanychildintheflock。No,shechosejudiciously。Shechoseoneshecouldspare,andshecouldn\'tsparetheothers。Iwasthechoicechildoftheflock,soIhadtotakealloftheexperiments。

In1844Kneippfilledtheworldwiththewonderofthewatercure。

Motherwantedtotryit,butonsobersecondthoughtsheputmethrough。Abucketofice—waterwaspouredovertoseetheeffect。ThenIwasrubbeddownwithflannels,asheetwasdippedinthewater,andIwasputtobed。Iperspiredsomuchthatmotherputalife—preservertobedwithme。

Butthishadnothingbutaspiritualeffectonme,andIdidn\'tcareforthat。Whentheytookoffthesheetitwasyellowfromtheoutputofmyconscience,theexudationofsin。Itpurifiedmespiritually,anditremainsuntilthisday。

Ihaveexperimentedwithosteopathyandallopathy。Itookachanceatthelatterforoldtimes\'sake,for,threetimes,whenaboy,mother\'snewmethodsgotmesoneardeath\'sdoorshehadtocallinthefamilyphysiciantopullmeout。

Thephysiciansthinktheyaremovedbyregardforthebestinterestsofthepublic。Isn\'ttherealittletouchofself—interestbackofitall？Itseemstomethereis,andIdon\'tclaimtohaveallthevirtues—onlynineortenofthem。

Iwasborninthe"BannerState,"andby"BannerState"ImeanMissouri。OsteopathywasborninthesameState,andbothofusaregettingalongreasonablywell。Atatimeduringmyyoungerdaysmyattentionwasattractedtoapictureofahousewhichboretheinscription,"ChristDisputingwiththeDoctors。"

IcouldattachnoothermeaningtoitthanthatChristwasactuallyquarrellingwiththedoctors。SoIaskedanoldslave,whowasasortofaherbdoctorinasmallway—unlicensed,ofcourse—

whatthemeaningofthepicturewas。"Whathashedone？"Iasked。

Andthecoloredmanreplied:

"Humph,heain\'tgotnolicense。"

WATER—SUPPLY。

Mr。ClemensvisitedAlbanyonFebruary27and28,1901。Theprivilegesofthefloorweregrantedtohim,andhewasaskedtomakeashortaddresstotheSenate。

MR。PRESIDENTANDGENTLEMEN,—Idonotknowhowtothankyousufficientlyforthishighhonorwhichyouareconferringuponme。I

haveforthesecondtimenowenjoyedthiskindofprodigalhospitality—intheotherHouseyesterday,to—dayinthisone。Iamamodestman,anddiffidentaboutappearingbeforelegislativebodies,andyetutterlyandentirelyappreciativeofacourtesylikethiswhenitisextendedtome,andIthankyouverymuchforit。

IfIhadtheprivilege,whichunfortunatelyIhavenotgot,ofsuggestingthingstothelegislatorsinmyindividualcapacity,I

wouldsoenjoytheopportunitythatIwouldnotchargeanythingforitatall。Iwoulddothatwithoutasalary。Iwouldgivethemthebenefitofmywisdomandexperienceinlegislativebodies,andifI

couldhavehadtheprivilegeforafewminutesofgivingadvicetotheotherHouseIshouldhavelikedto,butofcourseIcouldnotundertakeit,astheydidnotaskmetodoit—butiftheyhadonlyaskedme！

NowthattheHouseisconsideringameasurewhichistofurnishawater—supplytothecityofNewYork,why,permitmetosayIliveinNewYorkmyself。Iknowallaboutitsways,itsdesires,anditsresidents,and—ifIhadtheprivilege—IshouldhaveurgedthemnottowearythemselvesoverameasurelikethattofurnishwatertothecityofNewYork,forweneverdrinkit。

ButIwillnotventuretoadvisethisbody,asIonlyventuretoadvisebodieswhoarenotpresent。

MISTAKENIDENTITY。

ADDRESSATTHEANNUAL"LADIES\'DAY,"

PAPYRUSCLUB,BOSTON。

LADIESANDGENTLEMEN,—Iamperfectlyastonished—

a—s—t—o—n—i—s—h—e—d—ladiesandgentlemen—astonishedatthewayhistoryrepeatsitself。IfindmyselfsituatedatthismomentexactlyandpreciselyasIwasoncebefore,yearsago,toajot,toatittle—toaveryhair。Thereisn\'tashadeofdifference。Itisthemostastonishingcoincidencethatever—butwait。Iwilltellyoutheformerinstance,andthenyouwillseeitforyourself。YearsagoIarrivedonedayatSalamanca,NewYork,eastwardbound;mustchangecarsthereandtakethesleepertrain。Therewerecrowdsofpeoplethere,andtheywereswarmingintothelongsleepertrainandpackingitfull,anditwasaperfectpurgatoryofdustandconfusionandgrittingofteethandsoft,sweet,andlowprofanity。

Iaskedtheyoungmanintheticket—officeifIcouldhaveasleeping—section,andheanswered"No,"withasnarlthatshrivelledmeuplikeburnedleather。Iwentoff,smartingunderthisinsulttomydignity,andaskedanotherlocalofficial,supplicatingly,ifI

couldn\'thavesomepoorlittlecornersomewhereinasleeping—car;buthecutmeshortwithavenomous"No,youcan\'t;everycornerisfull。Now,don\'tbothermeanymore";andheturnedhisbackandwalkedoff。Mydignitywasinastatenowwhichcannotbedescribed。I

wassoruffledthat—well,Isaidtomycompanion,"IfthesepeopleknewwhoIamthey—"Butmycompanioncutmeshortthere—"Don\'ttalksuchfolly,"hesaid;"iftheydidknowwhoyouare,doyousupposeitwouldhelpyourhigh—mightinesstoavacancyinatrainwhichhasnovacanciesinit？"

Thisdidnotimprovemyconditionanytospeakof,butjustthenI

observedthatthecoloredporterofasleeping—carhadhiseyeonme。Isawhisdarkcountenancelightup。Hewhisperedtotheuniformedconductor,punctuatingwithnodsandjerkstowardme,andstraightwaythisconductorcameforward,oozingpolitenessfromeverypore。

"CanIbeofanyservicetoyou？"heasked。"Willyouhaveaplaceinthesleeper？"

"Yes,"Isaid,"andmuchobligeme,too。Givemeanything—

anythingwillanswer。"

"Wehavenothingleftbutthebigfamilystateroom,"hecontinued,"withtwoberthsandacoupleofarm—chairsinit,butitisentirelyatyourdisposal。Here,Tom,takethesesatchelsaboard！"

ThenhetouchedhishatandweandthecoloredTommovedalong。I

wasburstingtodropjustonelittleremarktomycompanion,butI

heldinandwaited。Tommadeuscomfortableinthatsumptuousgreatapartment,andthensaid,withmanybowsandaperfectaffluenceofsmiles:

"Now,isdeyanythingyouwant,sah？Caseyoukinhavejes\'anythingyouwants。Itdon\'tmakenodifferencewhatitis。"

"CanIhavesomehotwaterandatumbleratnineto—night—blazinghot？"Iasked。"YouknowabouttherighttemperatureforahotScotchpunch？"

"Yes,sah,datyoukin;youkinpenonit;I\'llgetitmyself。"

"Good！Now,thatlampishungtoohigh。CanIhaveabigcoachcandlefixedupjustattheheadofmybed,sothatIcanreadcomfortably？"

"Yes,sah,youkin;I\'llfixherupmyself,an\'I\'llfixhersoshe\'llburnallnight。Yes,sah;an\'youcanjes\'callforanythingyouwant,anddishyerwholerailroad\'llbeturnedwrongendupan\'

insideoutfortogetitforyou。Dat\'sso。"Andhedisappeared。

Well,Itiltedmyheadback,hookedmythumbsinmyarmholes,smiledasmileonmycompanion,andsaid,gently:

"Well,whatdoyousaynow？"

Mycompanionwasnotinthehumortorespond,anddidn\'t。Thenextmomentthatsmilingblackfacewasthrustinatthecrackofthedoor,andthisspeechfollowed:

"Lawsblessyou,sah,Iknowedyouinaminute。Itolddeconductahso。Laws！IknowedyoudeminuteIsoteyesonyou。"

"Isthatso,myboy？"（Handinghimaquadruplefee。）"WhoamI？"

"JenuelMcClellan,"andhedisappearedagain。

Mycompanionsaid,vinegarishly,"Well,well！whatdoyousaynow？"RighttherecomesinthemarvellouscoincidenceImentionedawhileago—viz。,Iwasspeechless,andthatismyconditionnow。

Perceiveit？

CATSANDCANDY。

ThefollowingaddresswasdeliveredatasocialmeetingofliterarymeninNewYorkin1874:

WHENIwasfourteenIwaslivingwithmyparents,whowereverypoor—andcorrespondentlyhonest。WehadayouthlivingwithusbythenameofJimWolfe。Hewasanexcellentfellow,seventeenyearsold,andverydiffident。HeandIslepttogether—virtuously;andonebitterwinter\'snightacousinMary—she\'smarriednowandgone—

gavewhattheycallacandy—pullinginthosedaysintheWest,andtheytookthesaucersofhotcandyoutsideofthehouseintothesnow,underasortofoldbowerthatcamefromtheeaves—itwasasortofanellthen,allcoveredwithvines—tocoolthishotcandyinthesnow,andtheywereallsittingthere。Inthemeantimeweweregonetobed。Wewerenotinvitedtoattendthisparty;weweretooyoung。

Theyoungladiesandgentlemenwereassembledthere,andJimandI

wereinbed。Therewasaboutfourinchesofsnowontheroofofthisell,andourwindowslookedoutonit,anditwasfrozenhard。A

coupleoftom—cats—itispossibleonemighthavebeenoftheoppositesex—wereassembledonthechimneyinthemiddleofthisell,andtheyweregrowlingatafearfulrate,andswitchingtheirtailsaboutandgoingon,andwecouldn\'tsleepatall。

FinallyJimsaid,"FortwocentsI\'dgooutandsnakethemcatsoffthatchimney。"SoIsaid,"Ofcourseyouwould。"Hesaid,"Well,I

would;Ihaveamightygoodnotiontodoit。"SaysI,"Ofcourseyouhave;certainlyyouhave,youhaveagreatnotiontodoit。"Ihopedhemighttryit,butIwasafraidhewouldn\'t。

FinallyIdidgethisambitionup,andheraisedthewindowandclimbedoutontheicyroof,withnothingonbuthissocksandaveryshortshirt。Hewentclimbingalongonallfoursontherooftowardthechimneywherethecatswere。Inthemeantimetheseyoungladiesandgentlemenwereenjoyingthemselvesdownundertheeaves,andwhenJimgotalmosttothatchimneyhemadeapassatthecats,andhisheelsflewupandheshotdownandcrashedthroughthosevines,andlitinthemidstoftheladiesandgentlemen,andsatdowninthosehotsaucersofcandy。

Therewasastampede,ofcourse,andhecameup—stairsdroppingpiecesofchinawareandcandyallthewayup,andwhenhegotupthere—nowanybodyintheworldwouldhavegoneintoprofanityorsomethingcalculatedtorelievethemind,buthedidn\'t;hescrapedthecandyoffhislegs,nursedhisblistersalittle,andsaid,"I

couldhaveketchedthemcatsifIhadhadonagoodready。"

OBITUARYPOETRY。

ADDRESSATTHEACTORS\'FUNDFAIR,PHILADELPHIA,in1895。

LADIESANDGENTLEMEN,—The—er—this—er—welcomeoccasiongivesmean—er—opportunitytomakean—er—explanationthatIhavelongdesiredtodelivermyselfof。IrisetothehighesthonorsbeforeaPhiladelphiaaudience。InthecourseofmycheckeredcareerIhave,ondiversoccasions,beencharged—er—maliciouslywithamoreorlessseriousoffence。Itisinreplytooneofthemore—er—importantofthesethatIwishtospeak。MorethanonceIhavebeenaccusedofwritingobituarypoetryinthePhiladelphiaLedger。

Iwishrightheretodenythatdreadfulassertion。Iwilladmitthatonce,whenacompositorintheLedgerestablishment,Ididsetupsomeofthatpoetry,butforaworseoffencethanthatnoindictmentcanbefoundagainstme。Ididnotwritethatpoetry—atleast,notallofit。

CIGARSANDTOBACCO。

MYfriendsforsomeyearsnowhaveremarkedthatIamaninveterateconsumeroftobacco。Thatistrue,butmyhabitswithregardtotobaccohavechanged。Ihavenodoubtthatyouwillsay,whenIhaveexplainedtoyouwhatmypresentpurposeis,thatmytastehasdeteriorated,butIdonotsoregardit。

WheneverIheldasmoking—partyatmyhouse,Ifoundthatmyguestshadalwaysjusttakenthepledge。

Letmetellyoubrieflythehistoryofmypersonalrelationtotobacco。Itbegan,Ithink,whenIwasalad,andtooktheformofaquid,whichIbecameexpertintuckingundermytongue。AfterwardI

learnedthedelightsofthepipe,andIsupposetherewasnootheryoungsterofmyagewhocouldmoredeftlycutplugtobaccosoastomakeitavailableforpipe—smoking。

Well,timeranon,andtherecameatimewhenIwasabletogratifyoneofmyyouthfulambitions—IcouldbuythechoicestHavanacigarswithoutseriouslyinterferingwithmyincome。Ismokedagoodmany,changingofffromtheHavanacigarstothepipeinthecourseofaday\'ssmoking。