第13章

Why,ifamanwhoisnotevenmad,butonlystrenuous—strenuousaboutrace—suicide—shouldcometomeandtrytogetmetousemylargepoliticalandecclesiasticalinfluencetogetabillpassedbythisCongresslimitingfamiliestotwenty—twochildrenbyonemother,Ishouldtrytocalmhimdown。Ishouldreasonwithhim。I

shouldsaytohim,"Leaveitalone。Leaveitaloneanditwilltakecareofitself。OnlyonecoupleayearintheUnitedStatescanreachthatlimit。Iftheyhavereachedthatlimitletthemgorighton。Letthemhaveallthelibertytheywant。Inrestrictingthatfamilytotwenty—twochildrenyouaremerelyconferringdiscomfortandunhappinessononefamilyperyearinanationof88,000,000,whichisnotworthwhile。"

Itistheverysamewithcopyright。Oneauthorperyearproducesabookwhichcanoutlivetheforty—two—yearlimit;that\'sall。Thisnationcan\'tproducetwoauthorsayearthatcandoit;thethingisdemonstrablyimpossible。Allthatthelimitedcopyrightcandoistotakethebreadoutofthemouthsofthechildrenofthatoneauthorperyear。

Imadeanestimatesomeyearsago,whenIappearedbeforeacommitteeoftheHouseofLords,thatwehadpublishedinthiscountrysincetheDeclarationofIndependence220,000books。Theyhaveallgone。Theyhadallperishedbeforetheyweretenyearsold。Itisonlyonebookin1000thatcanoutlivetheforty—two—yearlimit。

Thereforewhyputalimitatall？Youmightaswelllimitthefamilytotwenty—twochildren。

IfyourecalltheAmericansinthenineteenthcenturywhowrotebooksthatlivedforty—twoyearsyouwillhavetobeginwithCooper;

youcanfollowwithWashingtonIrving,HarrietBeecherStowe,EdgarAllanPoe,andthereyouhavetowaitalongtime。YoucometoEmerson,andyouhavetostandstillandlookfurther。YoufindHowellsandT。B。Aldrich,and,thenyournumbersbegintorunprettythin,andyouquestionifyoucannametwentypersonsintheUnitedStateswhoinawholecenturyhavewrittenbooksthatwouldliveforty—twoyears。Why,youcouldtakethemallandputthemononebenchthere[pointing]。Addthewivesandchildrenandyoucouldputtheresultontwoorthreemorebenches。

Onehundredpersons—thatisthelittle,insignificantcrowdwhosebread—and—butteristobetakenawayforwhatpurpose,forwhatprofittoanybody？Youturnthesefewbooksintothehandsofthepirateandofthelegitimatepublisher,too,andtheygettheprofitthatshouldhavegonetothewifeandchildren。

WhenIappearedbeforethatcommitteeoftheHouseofLordsthechairmanaskedmewhatlimitIwouldpropose。Isaid,"Perpetuity。"

Icouldseesomeresentmentinhismanner,andhesaidtheideawasillogical,forthereasonthatithaslongagobeendecidedthattherecanbenosuchthingaspropertyinideas。IsaidtherewaspropertyinideasbeforeQueenAnne\'stime;theyhadperpetualcopyright。Hesaid,"Whatisabook？Abookisjustbuiltfrombasetoroofonideas,andtherecanbenopropertyinit。"

IsaidIwishedhecouldmentionanykindofpropertyonthisplanetthathadapecuniaryvaluewhichwasnotderivedfromanideaorideas。Hesaidrealestate。Iputasupposititiouscase,adozenEnglishmenwhotravelthroughSouthAfricaandcampout,andelevenofthemseenothingatall;theyarementallyblind。Butthereisoneinthepartywhoknowswhatthisharbormeansandwhatthelayofthelandmeans。Tohimitmeansthatsomedayarailwaywillgothroughhere,andthereonthatharboragreatcitywillspringup。

Thatishisidea。Andhehasanotheridea,whichistogoandtradehislastbottleofScotchwhiskeyandhislasthorse—blankettotheprincipalchiefofthatregionandbuyapieceoflandthesizeofPennsylvania。ThatwasthevalueofanideathatthedaywouldcomewhentheCapetoCairoRailwaywouldbebuilt。

Everyimprovementthatisputupontherealestateistheresultofanideainsomebody\'shead。Theskyscraperisanotheridea;therailroadisanother;thetelephoneandallthosethingsaremerelysymbolswhichrepresentideas。Anandiron,awash—tub,istheresultofanideathatdidnotexistbefore。

Soif,asthatgentlemansaid,abookdoesconsistsolelyofideas,thatisthebestargumentintheworldthatitisproperty,andshouldnotbeunderanylimitationatall。Wedon\'taskforthat。

Fiftyyearsfromnowweshallaskforit。

Ihopethebillwillpasswithoutanydeleteriousamendments。IdoseemtobeextraordinarilyinterestedinawholelotofartsandthingsthatIhavegotnothingtodowith。Itisapartofmygenerous,liberalnature;Ican\'thelpit。Ifeelthesamesortofcharitytoeverybodythatwasmanifestedbyagentlemanwhoarrivedathomeattwoo\'clockinthemorningfromtheclubandwasfeelingsoperfectlysatisfiedwithlife,sohappy,andsocomfortable,andtherewashishouseweaving,weaving,weavingaround。Hewatchedhischance,andbyandbywhenthestepsgotinhisneighborhoodhemadeajumpandclimbedupandgotontheportico。

Andthehousewentonweavingandweavingandweaving,buthewatchedthedoor,andwhenitcamearoundhiswayheplungedthroughit。Hegottothestairs,andwhenhewentuponallfoursthehousewassounsteadythathecouldhardlymakehisway,butatlasthegottothetopandraisedhisfootandputitonthetopstep。Butonlythetoehitchedonthestep,andherolleddownandfetcheduponthebottomstep,withhisarmaroundthenewel—post,andhesaid:"Godpitythepoorsailorsoutatseaonanightlikethis。"

INAIDOFTHEBLIND。

ADDRESSATAPUBLICMEETINGOFTHENEWYORK

ASSOCIATIONFORPROMOTINGTHEINTERESTS

OFTHEBLINDATTHEWALDORF—ASTORIA,MARCH29,1906。

IFYoudetectanyawkwardnessinmymovementsandinfelicitiesinmyconductIwilloffertheexplanationthatIneverpresidedatameetingofanykindbeforeinmylife,andthatIdofinditoutofmyline。IsupposedIcoulddoanythinganybodyelsecould,butI

recognizethatexperiencehelps,andIdofeelthelackofthatexperience。Idon\'tfeelasgracefulandeasyasIoughttobein—ordertoimpressanaudience。IshallnotpretendthatIknowhowtoumpireameetinglikethis,andIshalljusttakethehumbleplaceoftheEssexband。

TherewasagreatgatheringinasmallNewEnglandtownabouttwenty—fiveyearsago。Irememberthatcircumstancebecausetherewassomethingthathappenedatthattime。Itwasagreatoccasion。

Theygatheredinthemilitiaandoratorsandeverybodyfromallthetownsaround。Itwasanextraordinaryoccasion。

Thelittlelocalpaperthrewitselfintoecstasiesofadmirationandtriedtodoitselfproudfrombeginningtoend。Itpraisedtheorators,themilitia,andallthebandsthatcamefromeverywhere,andallthisinhonestcountrynewspaperdetail,butthewriterranoutofadjectivestowardtheend。Havingexhaustedhiswholemagazineofpraiseandglorification,hefoundhestillhadonebandleftover。Hehadtosaysomethingaboutit,andhesaid:"TheEssexbanddonethebestitcould。"

IamanEssexbandonthisoccasion,andIamgoingtogetthroughaswellasinexperienceandgoodintentionswillenableme。Ihavegotallthedocumentsherenecessarytoinstructyouintheobjectsandintentionsofthismeetingandalsooftheassociationwhichhascalledthemeeting。Buttheyaretoovoluminous。Icouldnotpackthosestatisticsintomyhead,andIhadtogiveitup。Ishallhavetojustreduceallthatmassofstatisticstoafewsalientfacts。

Therearetoomanystatisticsandfiguresforme。Inevercoulddoanythingwithfigures,neverhadanytalentformathematics,neveraccomplishedanythinginmyeffortsatthatruggedstudy,andto—daytheonlymathematicsIknowismultiplication,andtheminuteIgetawayupinthat,assoonasIreachninetimesseven—

[Mr。Clemenslapsedintodeepthoughtforamoment。Hewastryingtofigureoutninetimesseven,butitwasahopelesstask,andheturnedtoSt。ClairMcKelway,whosatnearhim。Mr。McKelwaywhisperedtheanswer,andthespeakerresumed:]

I\'vegotitnow。It\'seighty—four。Well,Icangetthatfarallrightwithalittlehesitation。AfterthatIamuncertain,andIcan\'tmanageastatistic。

"Thisassociationforthe"—

[Mr。Clemenswasinanotherdilemma。AgainhewasobligedtoturntoMr。McKelway。]

Ohyes,forpromotingtheinterestsoftheblind。It\'salongname。IfIcouldIwouldwriteitoutforyouandletyoutakeithomeandstudyit,butIdon\'tknowhowtospellit。AndMr。CarnegieisdowninVirginiasomewhere。Well,anyway,theobjectofthatassociationwhichhasbeenrecentlyorganized,fivemonthsago,infact,isinthehandsofvery,veryenergetic,intelligent,andcapablepeople,andtheywillpushittosuccessverysurely,andallthemoresurelyifyouwillgivethemalittleofyourassistanceoutofyourpockets。

Theintention,thepurpose,istosearchoutalltheblindandfindworkforthemtodosothattheymayearntheirownbread。Nowitisdismalenoughtobeblind—itisdreary,drearylifeatbest,butitcanbelargelyamelioratedbyfindingsomethingforthesepoorblindpeopletodowiththeirhands。Thetimepassessoheavilythatitisneverdayornightwiththem,itisalwaysnight,andwhentheyhavetositwithfoldedhandsandwithnothingtodotoamuseorentertainoremploytheirminds,itisdrearieranddrearier。

Andthentheknowledgetheyhavethattheymustsubsistoncharity,andsooftenreluctantcharity,itwouldrenewtheirlivesiftheycouldhavesomethingtodowiththeirhandsandpasstheirtimeandatthesametimeearntheirbread,andknowthesweetnessofthebreadwhichistheresultofthelaborofone\'sownhands。Theyneedthatcheerandpleasure。Itistheonlywayyoucanturntheirnightintoday,togivethemhappyhearts,theonlythingyoucanputintheplaceoftheblessedsun。ThatyoucandointhewayIspeakof。

Blindpeoplegenerallywhohaveseenthelightknowwhatitistomissthelight。Thosewhohavegoneblindsincetheyweretwentyyearsold—theirlivesareunendinglydreary。Buttheycanbetaughttousetheirhandsandtoemploythemselvesatagreatmanyindustries。

ThatassociationfromwhichthisdrawsitsbirthinCambridge,Massachusetts,hastaughtitsblindtomakemanythings。Theymakethembetterthanmostpeople,andmorehonestthanpeoplewhohavetheuseoftheireyes。Thegoodstheymakearereadilysalable。Peoplelikethem。Andsotheyaresupportingthemselves,anditisamatterofcheer,cheer。Theypasstheirtimenownottooirksomelyastheyformerlydid。

Whatthisassociationneedsandwantsis$15,000。Thefiguresaresetdown,andwhatthemoneyisfor,andthereisnograftinitorIwouldnotbehere。Andtheyhopetobeguilethatoutofyourpockets,andyouwillfindaffixedtotheprogrammeanopportunity,thatlittleblankwhichyouwillfilloutandpromisesomuchmoneynoworto—morroworsometime。Then,thereisanotheropportunitywhichisstillbetter,andthatisthatyoushallsubscribeanannualsum。

Ihaveinventedagoodmanyusefulthingsinmytime,butneveranythingbetterthanthatofgettingmoneyoutofpeoplewhodon\'twanttopartwithit。Itisalwaysforgoodobjects,ofcourse。Thisistheplan:Whenyoucalluponapersontocontributetoagreatandgoodobject,andyouthinkheshouldfurnishabout$1000,hedisappointsyouaslikeasnot。Muchthebestwaytoworkhimtosupplythatthousanddollarsistosplititintopartsandcontribute,sayahundreddollarsayear,orfifty,orwhateverthesummaybe。

Lethimcontributetenortwentyayear。Hedoesn\'tfeelthat,buthedoesfeelitwhenyoucalluponhimtocontributealargeamount。

Whenyougetusedtoityouwouldrathercontributethanborrowmoney。

ItrieditinHelenKeller\'scase。Mr。Huttonwrotemein1896or1897whenIwasinLondonandsaid:"ThegentlemanwhohasbeensoliberalintakingcareofHelenKellerhasdiedwithoutmakingprovisionforherinhiswill,andnowtheydon\'tknowwhattodo。"

Theywereproposingtoraiseafund,andhethought$50,000enoughtofurnishanincomeof$2400or$2500ayearforthesupportofthatwonderfulgirlandherwonderfulteacher,MissSullivan,nowMrs。

Macy。IwrotetoMr。Huttonandsaid:"Goon,getupyourfund。Itwillbeslow,butifyouwantquickwork,Iproposethissystem,"

thesystemIspeakof,ofaskingpeopletocontributesuchandsuchasumfromyeartoyearanddropoutwhenevertheyplease,andhewouldfindtherewouldn\'tbeanydifficulty,peoplewouldn\'tfeeltheburdenofit。Andhewrotebacksayinghehadraisedthe$2400ayearindefinitelybythatsysteminasingleafternoon。Wewouldliketodosomethingjustlikethatto—night。Wewilltakeasmanychecksasyoucaretogive。Youcanleaveyourdonationsinthebigroomoutside。

Iknewoncewhatitwastobeblind。Ishallneverforgetthatexperience。Ihavebeenasblindasanybodyeverwasforthreeorfourhours,andthesufferingsthatIenduredandthemishapsandtheaccidentsthatareburninginmymemorymakemysympathyrisewhenI

feelfortheblindandalwaysshallfeel。IoncewenttoHeidelbergonanexcursion。Itookaclergymanalongwithme,theRev。JosephTwichell,ofHartford,whoisstillamongthelivingdespitethatfact。IalwaystravelwithclergymenwhenIcan。Itisbetterforthem,itisbetterforme。Andanypreacherwhogoesoutwithmeinstormyweatherandwithoutalightningrodisagoodone。TheReverendTwichellisoneofthosepeoplefilledwithpatienceandendurance,twogoodingredientsforamantravellingwithme,sowegotalongverywelltogether。Inthatoldtowntheyhavenotalteredahousenorbuiltonein1500years。WewenttotheinnandtheyplacedTwichellandmeinamostcolossalbedroom,thelargestIeversaworheardof。

Itwasasbigasthisroom。

Ididn\'ttakemuchnoticeoftheplace。Ididn\'treallygetmybearings。InoticedTwichellgotaGermanbedabouttwofeetwide,thekindinwhichyou\'vegottolieonyouredge,becausethereisn\'troomtolieonyourback,andhewaswaydownsouthinthatbigroom,andI

waswayupnorthattheotherendofit,witharegularSaharainbetween。

Wewenttobed。Twichellwenttosleep,butthenhehadhisconscienceloadedanditwaseasyforhimtogettosleep。I

couldn\'tgettosleep。Itwasoneofthosetorturingkindsoflovelysummernightswhenyouhearvariouskindsofnoisesnowandthen。A

mouseawayoffinthesouthwest。Youthrowthingsatthemouse。Thatencouragesthemouse。ButIcouldn\'tstandit,andabouttwoo\'clockI

gotupandthoughtIwouldgiveitupandgooutinthesquarewheretherewasoneofthosetinklingfountains,andsitonitsbrinkanddream,fullofromance。

Igotoutofbed,andIoughttohavelitacandle,butIdidn\'tthinkofituntilitwastoolate。Itwasthedarkestplacethateverwas。Therehasneverbeendarknessanythickerthanthat。Itjustlayincakes。

IthoughtthatbeforedressingIwouldaccumulatemyclothes。I

pawedaroundinthedarkandfoundeverythingpackedtogetheronthefloorexceptonesock。Icouldn\'tgetonthetrackofthatsock。Itmighthaveoccurredtomethatmaybeitwasinthewash。ButI

didn\'tthinkofthat。Iwentexcursioningonmyhandsandknees。

PresentlyIthought,"Iamnevergoingtofindit;I\'llgobacktobedagain。"ThatiswhatItriedtododuringthenextthreehours。I

hadlostthebearingsofthatbed。Iwasgoinginthewrongdirectionallthetime。By—and—byIcameincollisionwithachairandthatencouragedme。

Itseemedtome,asfarasIcouldrecollect,therewasonlyachairhereandthereandyonder,fiveorsixofthemscatteredoverthisterritory,andIthoughtmaybeafterIfoundthatchairImightfindthenextone。Well,Idid。AndIfoundanotherandanotherandanother。Ikeptgoingaroundonmyhandsandknees,havingthosesuddencollisions,andfinallywhenIbangedintoanotherchairI

almostlostmytemper。AndIraisedup,garbedasIwas,notforpublicexhibition,rightinfrontofamirrorfifteenorsixteenfeethigh。

Ihadn\'tnoticedthemirror;didn\'tknowitwasthere。AndwhenI

sawmyselfinthemirrorIwasfrightenedoutofmywits。Idon\'tallowanyghoststobiteme,andItookupachairandsmashedatit。Amillionpieces。ThenIreflected。That\'sthewayIalwaysdo,andit\'sunprofitableunlessamanhashadmuchexperiencethatwayandhasclearjudgment。AndIhadjudgment,andIwouldhavehadtopayforthatmirrorifIhadn\'trecollectedtosayitwasTwichellwhobrokeit。

ThenIgotdownonmyhandsandkneesandwentonanotherexploringexpedition。

AsfarasIcouldrememberthereweresixchairsinthatOklahoma,andonetable,agreatbigheavytable,notagoodtabletohitwithyourheadwhenrushingmadlyalong。InthecourseoftimeIcollidedwiththirty—fivechairsandtablesenoughtostockthatdining—roomoutthere。Itwasahospitalfordecayedfurniture,anditwasinaworseconditionwhenIgotthroughwithit。Iwentonandon,andatlastgottoaplacewhereIcouldfeelmywayup,andtherewasashelf。Iknewthatwasn\'tinthemiddleoftheroom。UptothattimeI

wasafraidIhadgottenoutofthecity。

Iwasverycarefulandpawedalongthatshelf,andtherewasapitcherofwateraboutafoothigh,anditwasattheheadofTwichell\'sbed,butIdidn\'tknowit。IfeltthatpitchergoingandIgrabbedatit,butitdidn\'thelpanyandcamerightdowninTwichell\'sfaceandnearlydrownedhim。Butitwokehimup。Iwasgratefultohavecompanyonanyterms。Helitamatch,andthereI

was,waydownsouthwhenIoughttohavebeenbackupyonder。Mybedwasoutofsightitwassofaraway。Youneededatelescopetofindit。TwichellcomfortedmeandIscrubbedhimoffandwegotsociable。

Butthatnightwasn\'twasted。Ihadmypedometeronmyleg。TwichellandIwereinapedometermatch。TwichellhadlongerlegsthanI。

TheonlywayIcouldkeepupwastowearmypedometertobed。Ialwayswalkinmysleep,andonthisoccasionIgainedsixteenmilesonhim。Afterall,Ineverfoundthatsock。Ineverhaveseenitfromthatdaytothis。Butthatadventuretaughtmewhatitistobeblind。

Thatwasoneofthemostseriousoccasionsofmywholelife,yetI

nevercanspeakofitwithoutsomebodythinkingitisn\'tserious。

YoutryitandseehowseriousitistobeastheblindareandI

wasthatnight。

[Mr。Clemensreadseverallettersofregret。HethenintroducedJosephH。Choate,saying:]

ItisnowmyprivilegetopresenttoyouMr。Choate。Idon\'thavetoreallyintroducehim。Idon\'thavetopraisehim,ortoflatterhim。I

couldsaytrulythatintheforty—sevenyearsIhavebeenfamiliarlyacquaintedwithhimhehasalwaysbeenthehandsomestmanAmericahaseverproduced。AndIhopeandbelievehewillholdthebeltforty—fiveyearsmore。Hehasservedhiscountryably,faithfully,andbrilliantly。Hestandsatthesummit,attheverytopintheesteemandregardofhiscountrymen,andifIcouldsayonewordwhichwouldlifthimanyhigherinhiscountrymen\'sesteemandaffection,Iwouldsaythatwordwhetheritwastrueornot。

DR。MARKTWAIN,FARMEOPATH。

ADDRESSATTHEANNUALDINNEROFTHENEWYORKPOST—GRADUATE

MEDICALSCHOOLANDHOSPITAL,JANUARY21,1909。

Thepresident,Dr。GeorgeN。Miller,inintroducingMr。Clemens,referredtohislateexperiencewithburglars。

GENTLEMENANDDOCTORS,—Iamgladtobeamongmyownkindto—night。Iwasonceasharpshooter,butnowIpractiseamuchhigherandequallyasdeadlyaprofession。Itwasn\'tsoverylongagothatIbecameamemberofyourcult,andforthetimeI\'vebeeninthebusinessmyrecordisonethatcan\'tbescoffedat。

Astotheburglars,Iamperfectlyfamiliarwiththesepeople。I

havealwayshadagooddealtodowithburglars—notofficially,butthroughtheirattentionstome。Ineversufferedanythingatthehandsofaburglar。Theyhaveinvadedmyhousetimeandtimeagain。Theynevergotanything。ThenthosepeoplewhoburglarizedourhouseinSeptember—wegotbacktheplatedwaretheytookoff,wejailedthem,andIhavebeensorryeversince。Theydidusagreatservice—

theyscaredoffalltheservantsintheplace。

IconsidertheChildren\'sTheatre,ofwhichIampresident,andthePost—GraduateMedicalSchoolasthetwogreatestinstitutionsinthecountry。Thisschool,inbringingitstwentythousandphysiciansfromallpartsofthecountry,bringingthemuptodate,andsendingthembackwithrenewedconfidence,hassurelysavedhundredsofthousandsofliveswhichotherwisewouldhavebeenlost。

Ihavebeenpractisingnowforsevenmonths。WhenIsettledonmyfarminConnecticutinJuneIfoundthecommunityverythinlysettled—

andsinceIhavebeenengagedinpracticeithasbecomemorethinlysettledstill。Thisgratifiesme,asindicatingthatIammakinganimpressiononmycommunity。Isupposeitisthesamewithallofyou。

IhavealwaysfeltthatIoughttodosomethingforyou,andsoI

organizedaRedding（Connecticut）branchofthePost—GraduateSchool。Iamonlyacountryfarmerupthere,butIamdoingthebestI

can。

Ofcourse,thepracticeofmedicineandsurgeryinaremotecountrydistricthasitsdisadvantages,butinmycaseIamhappyinadivisionofresponsibility。Ipractiseinconjunctionwithahorse—doctor,asexton,andanundertaker。Thecombinationisair—tight,andonceamanisstrickeninourdistrictescapeisimpossibleforhim。

Thesefourofus—threeintheregularprofessionandthefourthanundertaker—areallgoodmen。ThereisBillFerguson,theReddingundertaker。Billisthereineveryrespect。Heisalittlelukewarmongeneralpractice,andwriteshisnamewitharubberstamp。LikemyoldSouthernfriend,heisoneofthefinestplantersanywhere。

ThenthereisJimRuggles,thehorse—doctor。RugglesisoneofthebestmenIhavegot。Healsoisnotmuchongeneralmedicine,butheisafinehorse—doctor。Fergusondoesn\'tmakeanymoneyoffhim。

Yousee,thecombinationstartedthisway。WhenIgotuptoReddingandhadbecomeadoctor,Ilookedaroundtoseewhatmychanceswereforaidinginthegreatwork。ThefirstthingIdidwastodeterminewhatmannerofdoctorIwastobe。BeingaConnecticutfarmer,Inaturallyconsultedmyfarmacopia,andatoncedecidedtobecomeafarmeopath。

ThenIgotcirculatingabout,andgotintouchwithFergusonandRuggles。Fergusonjoinedreadilyinmyideas,butRuggleskeptsayingthat,whileitwasallrightforanundertakertogetaboard,hecouldn\'tseewhereithelpedhorses。

Well,westartedtofindoutwhatwasthetroublewiththecommunity,anditdidn\'ttakelongtofindoutthattherewasjustonedisease,andthatwasrace—suicide。Anddrivingaboutthecountry—sideIwastoldbymyfellow—farmersthatitwastheonlyrationalhumanandvaluabledisease。Butitiscuttingintoourprofitssothatwe\'lleitherhavetostopitorwe\'llhavetomove。

We\'vehadsomefunnyexperiencesupthereinRedding。Notlongagoafellowcamealongwitharollinggaitandadistressedface。Weaskedhimwhatwasthematter。Wealwaysholdconsultationsoneverycase,asthereisn\'tbusinessenoughforfour。Hesaidhedidn\'tknow,butthathewasasailor,andperhapsthatmighthelpustogiveadiagnosis。Wetreatedhimforthat,andIneversawamandiemorepeacefully。

ThatsameafternoonmydogTigetreedanAfricangentleman。Wechainedupthedog,andthenthegentlemancamedownandsaidhehadappendicitis。Weaskedhimifhewantedtobecutopen,andhesaidyes,thathe\'dliketoknowiftherewasanythinginit。Sowecuthimopenandfoundnothinginhimbutdarkness。Sowediagnosedhiscaseasinfidelity,becausehewasdarkinside。Tigeisaverycleverdog,andaidsusgreatly。

TheotherdayapatientcametomeandinquiredifIwasoldDoctorClemens—

AsapractitionerIhavegivenagreatdealofmyattentiontoBright\'sdisease。Ihavemadesomerulesfortreatingitthatmaybevaluable。Listen:

Rule1。Whenapproachingthebedsideofonewhomanall—wisePresident—Imeananall—wiseProvidence—well,anyway,it\'sthesamething—hasseenfittoafflictwithdisease—well,theruleissimple,evenifitisold—fashioned。

Rule2。I\'veforgottenjustwhatitis,but—

Rule3。Thisisalwaysindispensable:Bleedyourpatient。

MISSOURIUNIVERSITYSPEECH。

ADDRESSDELIVEREDJUNE4,1902,ATCOLUMBIA,MO。

WhenthenameofSamuelL。Clemenswascalledthehumoriststeppedforward,puthishandtohishair,andapparentlyhesitated。Therewasadeadsilenceforamoment。Suddenlytheentireaudienceroseandstoodinsilence。SomeonebegantospelloutthewordMissouriwithanintervalbetweentheletters。Alljoinedin。Thenthehouseagainbecamesilent。Mr。Clemensbrokethespell:

ASyouareallstanding[hedrawledinhischaracteristicvoice],Iguess,IsupposeIhadbetterstandtoo。

[Thencamealaughandloudcriesforaspeech。AsthegreathumoristspokeofhisrecentvisittoHannibal,hisoldhome,hisvoicetrembled。]

Youcannotknowwhatastrainitwasonmyemotions[hesaid]。Infact,whenIfoundmyselfshakinghandswithpersonsIhadnotseenforfiftyyearsandlookingintowrinkledfacesthatweresoyoungandjoyouswhenIlastsawthem,IexperiencedemotionsthatIhadneverexpected,anddidnotknowwereinme。Iwasprofoundlymovedandsaddenedtothinkthatthiswasthelasttime,perhaps,thatIwouldeverbeholdthosekindoldfacesanddearoldscenesofchildhood。

[Thehumoristthenchangedtoalightermood,andforatimetheaudiencewasinacontinualroaroflaughter。HewasparticularlyamusedattheeulogyonhimselfreadbyGardinerLathropinconferringthedegree。]Hehasafineopportunitytodistinguishhimself[saidMr。Clemens]bytellingthetruthaboutme。

IhaveseenitstatedinprintthatasaboyIhadbeenguiltyofstealingpeaches,apples,andwatermelons。Ireadastorytothiseffectverycloselynotlongago,andIwasconvincedofonething,whichwasthatthemanwhowroteitwasoftheopinionthatitwaswrongtosteal,andthatIhadnotactedrightindoingso。Iwishnow,however,tomakeanhoneststatement,whichisthatIdonotbelieve,inallmycheckeredcareer,Istoleatonofpeaches。

OnenightIstole—ImeanIremoved—awatermelonfromawagonwhiletheownerwasattendingtoanothercustomer。Icrawledofftoasecludedspot,whereIfoundthatitwasgreen。ItwasthegreenestmelonintheMississippiValley。ThenIbegantoreflect。Ibegantobesorry。IwonderedwhatGeorgeWashingtonwouldhavedonehadhebeeninmyplace。Ithoughtalongtime,andthensuddenlyfeltthatstrangefeelingwhichcomestoamanwithagoodresolution,andtookupthatwatermelonandtookitbacktoitsowner。Ihandedhimthewatermelonandtoldhimtoreform。Hetookmylecturemuchtoheart,and,whenhegavemeagoodoneinplaceofthegreenmelon,Iforgavehim。

ItoldhimthatIwouldstillbeacustomerofhis,andthatI

cherishednoill—feelingbecauseoftheincident—thatwouldremaingreeninmymemory。

BUSINESS

BUSINESS。

ThealumniofEastmanCollegegavetheirannualbanquet,March30,1901,attheY。M。C。A。Building。Mr。JamesG。Cannon,oftheFourthNationalBank,madethefirstspeechoftheevening,afterwhichMr。ClemenswasintroducedbyMr。BaileyasthepersonalfriendofTomSawyer,whowasoneofthetypesofsuccessfulbusinessmen。

MR。CANNONhasfurnishedmewithtextsenoughtolastasslowaspeakerasmyselfalltherestofthenight。ItookexceptiontotheintroducingofMr。Cannonasagreatfinancier,asifheweretheonlygreatfinancierpresent。Iamafinancier。ButmymethodsarenotthesameasMr。Cannon\'s。

IcannotsaythatIhaveturnedoutthegreatbusinessmanthatI

thoughtIwaswhenIbeganlife。ButIamcomparativelyyoungyet,andmaylearn。IamratherinclinedtobelievethatwhattroubledmewasthatIgotthebig—headearlyinthegame。IwanttoexplaintoyouafewpointsofdifferencebetweentheprinciplesofbusinessasIseethemandthosethatMr。Cannonbelievesin。

Hesaysthattheprimaryruleofbusinesssuccessisloyaltytoyouremployer。That\'sallright—asatheory。Whatisthematterwithloyaltytoyourself？AsnearlyasIcanunderstandMr。Cannon\'smethods,thereisonegreatdrawbacktothem。Hewantsyoutoworkagreatdeal。Diligenceisagoodthing,buttakingthingseasyismuchmore—restful。Myideaisthattheemployershouldbethebusyman,andtheemployeetheidleone。Theemployershouldbetheworriedman,andtheemployeethehappyone。Andwhynot？Hegetsthesalary。Myplanistogetanothermantodotheworkforme。Inthatthere\'smorerepose。WhatIwantisreposefirst,last,andallthetime。

Mr。Cannonsaysthattherearethreecardinalrulesofbusinesssuccess;theyarediligence,honesty,andtruthfulness。Well,diligenceisallright。Letitgoasatheory。Honestyisthebestpolicy—whenthereismoneyinit。Buttruthfulnessisoneofthemostdangerous—why,thismanismisleadingyou。

Ihadanexperienceto—daywithmywifewhichillustratesthis。I

wasacknowledgingabelatedinvitationtoanotherdinnerforthisevening,whichseemedtohavebeensentabouttendaysago。Itonlyreachedmethismorning。IwasmortifiedatthediscourtesyintowhichIhadbeenbroughtbythisdelay,andwonderedwhatwasbeingthoughtofmebymyhosts。AsIhadacceptedyourinvitation,ofcourseIhadtosendregretstomyotherfriends。