第13章

TosaythatRickiewasacat’s—pawistoputittoostrongly。

Herbertwasstrictlyhonourable，andneverpushedhimintoanillegalorreallydangerousposition;butthereisnodoubtthatonthisandonmanyotheroccasionshehadtodothingsthathewouldnototherwisehavedone。Therewasalwayssomediplomaticcornerthathadtobeturned，alwayssomethingthathehadtosayornottosay。Asthetermworeonhelosthisindependence——

almostwithoutknowingit。Hehadmuchtolearnaboutboys，andhelearntnotbydirectobservation——forwhichhebelievedhewasunfitted——butbysedulousimitationofthemoreexperiencedmasters。Originallyhehadintendedtobefriendswithhispupils，andMr。Pembrokecommendedtheintentionhighly;butyoucannotbefriendseitherwithboyormanunlessyougiveyourselfawayintheprocess，andMr。Pembrokedidnotcommendthis。He，for"personalintercourse，"substitutedthesafer"personalinfluence，"andgavehisjuniorhintsonthesettingofkindlytraps，inwhichtheboydoesgivehimselfawayandrevealshisshydelicatethoughts，whilethemaster，intact，commendsorcorrectsthem。OriginallyRickiehadmeanttohelpboysintheanxietiesthattheyundergowhenchangingintomen:atCambridgehehadnumberedthisamonglife’sduties。Buthereisasubjectinwhichwemustinevitablyspeakasonehumanbeingtoanother，notasonewhohasauthorityortheshadowofauthority，andforthisreasontheelderschool—mastercouldsuggestnothingbutafewformulae。Formulae，likekindlytraps，werenotinRickie’sline，soheabandonedthesesubjectsaltogetherandconfinedhimselftoworkinghardatwhatwaseasy。InthehousehedidasHerbertdid，andreferredalldoubtfulsubjectstohim。Inhisform，oddlyenough，hebecameamartinet。Itissomuchsimplertobesevere。Hegraspedtheschoolregulations，andinsistedonpromptobediencetothem。Headoptedthedoctrineofcollectiveresponsibility。Whenoneboywaslate，hepunishedthewholeform。"Ican’thelpit，"hewouldsay，asifhewasapowerofnature。Asateacherhewasratherdull。Hecurbedhisownenthusiasms，findingthattheydistractedhisattention，andthatwhilehethrobbedtothemusicofVirgiltheboysinthebackrowweregettingunruly。Butonthewholehelikedhisformwork:heknewwhyhewasthere，andHerbertdidnotovershadowhimsocompletely。

WhatwasamisswithHerbert？Hehadknownthatsomethingwasamiss，andhadenteredintopartnershipwithopeneyes。Themanwaskindandunselfish;morethanthathewastrulycharitable，anditwasarealpleasuretohimtogive——pleasuretoothers。

Certainlyhemighttalktoomuchaboutitafterwards;butitwasthedoing，notthetalking，thathereallyvalued，andbenefactorsofthissortarenottoocommon。Hewas，moreover，diligentandconscientious:hisheartwasinhiswork，andhisadherencetotheChurchofEnglandnomerematterofform。Hewascapableofaffection:hewasusuallycourteousandtolerant。Thenwhatwasamiss？Why，inspiteofallthesequalities，shouldRickiefeelthattherewassomethingwrongwithhim——nay，thathewaswrongasawhole，andthatiftheSpiritofHumanityshouldeverholdajudgmenthewouldassuredlybeclassedamongthegoats？Theansweratfirstsightappearedagracelessone——itwasthatHerbertwasstupid。Notstupidintheordinarysense——hehadabusiness—likebrain，andacquiredknowledgeeasily——butstupidintheimportantsense:hiswholelifewascolouredbyacontemptoftheintellect。Thathehadatolerableintellectofhisownwasnotthepoint:itisinwhatwevalue，notinwhatwehave，thatthetestofusresides。Now，Rickie’sintellectwasnotremarkable。Hecametohisworthierresultsratherbyimaginationandinstinctthanbylogic。Anargumentconfusedhim，andhecouldwithdifficultyfollowitevenonpaper。Buthesawinthisnoreasonforsatisfaction，andtriedtomakesuchuseofhisbrainashecould，justasaweakathletemightlovinglyexercisehisbody。Likeaweakathlete，too，helovedtowatchtheexploits，orrathertheefforts，ofothers——theireffortsnotsomuchtoacquireknowledgeastodispelalittleofthedarknessbywhichweandallouracquisitionsaresurrounded。Cambridgehadtaughthimthis，andheknew，iffornootherreason，thathistimetherehadnotbeeninvain。AndHerbert’scontemptforsucheffortsrevoltedhim。Hesawthatforallhisfinetalkaboutaspirituallifehehadbutonetestforthings——success:

successforthebodyinthislifeorforthesoulinthelifetocome。AndforthisreasonHumanity，andperhapssuchothertribunalsastheremaybe，wouldassuredlyrejecthim。

XVIII

Meanwhilehewasahusband。Perhapshisunionshouldhavebeenemphasizedbefore。Thecrownoflifehadbeenattained，thevagueyearnings，themisreadimpulses，hadfoundaccomplishmentatlast。Neveragainmusthefeellonely，orasonewhostandsoutofthebroadhighwayoftheworldandfears，likepoorShelley，toundertakethelongestjourney。Sohereasoned，andatfirsttooktheaccomplishmentforgranted。Butasthetermpassedheknewthatbehindtheyearningthereremainedayearning，behindthedrawnveilaveilthathecouldnotdraw。Hisweddinghadbeennomightylandmark:hewouldoftenwonderwhethersuchandsuchaspeechorincidentcameafteritorbefore。SincethatmeetingintheSohorestauranttherehadbeensomuchtodo——

clothestobuy，presentstothankfor，abriefvisittoaTrainingCollege，ahoneymoonasbrief。Insuchabustle，whatspiritualunioncouldtakeplace？Surelythedustwouldsettlesoon:inItaly，atEaster，hemightperceivetheinfinitiesoflove。Butlovehadshownhimitsinfinitiesalready。Neitherbymarriagenorbyanyotherdevicecanmeninsurethemselvesavision;andRickie’shadbeengrantedhimthreeyearsbefore，whenhehadseenhiswifeandadeadmanclaspedineachother’sarms。Shewasnevertobesorealtohimagain。

Sheranaboutthehouselookinghandsomerthanever。Hercheerfulvoicegaveorderstotheservants。Ashesatinthestudycorrectingcompositions，shewoulddartinandgivehimakiss。

"Deargirl——"hewouldmurmur，withaglanceattheringsonherhand。Thetoneoftheirmarriagelifewassoonset。Itwastobeafrankgood—fellowship，andbeforelonghefounditdifficulttospeakinadeeperkey。

Oneeveninghemadetheeffort。TherehadbeenmorebeautythanwasusualatSawston。Theairwaspureandquiet。Tomorrowthefogmightbehere，buttodayonesaid，"Itislikethecountry。"

Arminarmtheystrolledintheside—garden，stoppingattimestonoticethecrocuses，ortowonderwhenthedaffodilswouldflower。Suddenlyhetightenedhispressure，andsaid，"Darling，whydon’tyoustillwearear—rings？"

"Ear—rings？"Shelaughed。"Mytastehasimproved，perhaps。"

SoafteralltheynevermentionedGerald’sname。Buthehopeditwasstilldeartoher。Hedidnotwanthertoforgetthegreatestmomentinherlife。Hislovedesirednotownershipbutconfidence，andtoalovesopureitdoesnotseemterribletocomesecond。

Hevaluedemotion——notforitself，butbecauseitistheonlyfinalpathtointimacy。She，everrobustandpractical，alwaysdiscouragedhim。Shewasnotcold;shewouldwillinglyembracehim。Butshehatedbeingupset，andwouldlaughorthrusthimoffwhenhisvoicegrewserious。Inthissheremindedhimofhismother。Buthismother——hehadneverconcealeditfromhimself——

hadgloriestowhichhiswifewouldneverattain:gloriesthathadunfoldedagainstalifeofhorror——alifeevenmorehorriblethanhehadguessed。Hethoughtofheroftenduringtheseearliermonths。Didsheblesshisunion，sodifferenttoherown？Didshelovehiswife？HetriedtospeakofhertoAgnes，butagainshewasreluctant。Andperhapsitwasthisaversiontoacknowledgethedead，whoseimagesalonehaveimmortality，thatmadeherownimagesomewhattransient，sothatwhenhelefthernomysticinfluenceremained，andonlybyaneffortcouldherealizethatGodhadunitedthemforever。

Theyconversedanddifferedhealthilyuponothertopics。Ariflecorpswastobeformed:shehopedthattheboyswouldhaveproperuniforms，insteadofshootingintheiroldclothes，asMr。

Jacksonhadsuggested。TherewasTewson;couldnothingbedoneabouthim？Hewouldslinkawayfromtheotherprefectsandgowithboysofhisownage。TherewasLloyd:hewouldnotlearntheschoolanthem，sayingthatithurthisthroat。AndabovealltherewasVarden，who，toRickie’sbewilderment，wasnowamemberofDunwoodHouse。

"Hehadtogosomewhere，"saidAgnes。"Luckyforhismotherthatwehadavacancy。"

"Yes——butwhenImeetMrs。Orr——Ican’thelpfeelingashamed。"

"Oh，Mrs。Orr！Whocaresforher？Herteetharedrawn。Ifshechoosestoinsinuatethatweplannedit，lether。Herswasrankdishonesty。Sheattemptedtosetupaboarding—house。"

Mrs。Orr，whowasquiterich，hadattemptednosuchthing。Shehadtakentheboyoutofcharity，andwithoutathoughtofbeingunconstitutional。Butinhadcomethisofficious"Limpet"andupsettheheadmaster，andshewasscolded，andMrs。Vardenwasscolded，andMr。Jacksonwasscolded，andtheboywasscoldedandplacedwithMr。Pembroke，whomshereveredlessthananymanintheworld。Naturallyenough，sheconsidereditafurtherattemptoftheauthoritiestosnubtheday—boys，forwhoseadvantagetheschoolhadbeenfounded。SheandMrs。Jacksondiscussedthesubjectattheirtea—parties，andthelatterladywassurethatnogood，nogoodofanykind，wouldcometoDunwoodHousefromsuchill—gottenplunder。

"Wesay，’Letthemtalk，’"persistedRickie，"butIneverdidlikelettingpeopletalk。Wearerightandtheyarewrong，butI

wishthethingcouldhavebeendonemorequietly。Theheadmasterdoesgetsoexcited。Hehasgivenagangoffoolishpeopletheiropportunity。Idon’tlikebeingbrandedastheday—boy’sfoe，whenIthinkhowmuchIwouldhavegiventobeaday—boymyself。

Myfatherfoundmeanuisance，andputmethroughthemill，andI

canneverforgetitparticularlytheevenings。"

"There’sverylittlebullyinghere，"saidAgnes。

"Therewasverylittlebullyingatmyschool。Therewassimplytheatmosphereofunkindness，whichnodisciplinecandispel。It’snotwhatpeopledotoyou，butwhattheymean，thathurts。"

"Idon’tunderstand。"

"Physicalpaindoesn’thurt——atleastnotwhatIcallhurt——ifamanhitsyoubyaccidentorplay。Butjustalittletap，whenyouknowitcomesfromhatred，istooterrible。Boysdohateeachother:Irememberit，andseeitagain。Theycanmakestrongisolatedfriendships，butofgeneralgood—fellowshiptheyhaven’tanotion。"

"AllIknowisthere’sverylittlebullyinghere。"

"Yousee，thenotionofgood—fellowshipdevelopslate:youcanjustseeitsbeginninghereamongtheprefects:upatCambridgeitflourishesamazingly。That’swhyIpitypeoplewhodon’tgouptoCambridge:notbecauseaUniversityissmart，butbecausethosearethemagicyears，and——withluck——youseeuptherewhatyoucouldn’tseebeforeandmayn’teverseeagain。

"Aren’tthesethemagicyears？"theladydemanded。

Helaughedandhitather。"I’mgettingsomewhatinvolved。Buthearme，OAgnes，forIampractical。Iapproveofourpublicschools。Longmaythey，flourish。ButIdonotapproveoftheboarding—housesystem。Itisn’taninevitableadjunct——"

"Goodgraciousme！"sheshrieked。"Haveyougonemad？"

"Silence，madam。Don’tbetraymetoHerbert，orI’llgiveusthesack。Butseriously，whatisthegoodof，throwingboyssomuchtogether？Isn’titbuildingtheirlivesonawrongbasis？Theydon’tunderstandeachother。Iwishtheydid，buttheydon’t。

Theydon’trealizethathumanbeingsaresimplymarvellous。

Whentheydo，thewholeoflifechanges，andyougetthetruething。Butdon’tpretendyou’vegotitbeforeyouhave。

Patriotismandespritdecorpsareallverywell，butmastersalittleforgetthattheymustgrowfromsentiment。Theycannotcreateone。Cannot—cannot——cannot。InevercaredastrawforEnglanduntilIcaredforEnglishmen，andboyscan’tlovetheschoolwhentheyhateeachother。Ladiesandgentlemen，Iwillnowconcludemyaddress。AndmostofitiscopiedoutofMr。

Ansell。"

Thetruthis，hewassuddenlyashamed。Hehadbeencarriedawayonthefloodofhisoldemotions。Cambridgeandallthatitmeanthadstoodbeforehimpassionatelyclear，andbesideitstoodhismotherandthesweetfamilylifewhichnursesupaboyuntilhecansalutehisequals。Hewasashamed，forherememberedhisnewresolution——toworkwithoutcriticizing，tothrowhimselfvigorouslyintothemachine，nottomindifhewaspinchednowandthenbytheelaboratewheels。

"Mr。Ansell！"criedhiswife，laughingsomewhatshrilly。"Aha！

NowIunderstand。It’sjustthekindofthingpoorMr。Ansellwouldsay。Well，I’mbrutal。IbelieveitdoesVardengoodtohavehisearspullednowandthen，andIdon’tcarewhethertheypulltheminplayornot。Boysoughttoroughit，ortheynevergrowupintomen，andyourmotherwouldhaveagreedwithme。Ohyes;andyou’reallwrongaboutpatriotism。Itcan，can，createasentiment。"

Shewasunusuallyprecise，andhadfollowedhisthoughtswithanattentionthatwasalsounusual。Hewonderedwhethershewasnotright，andregrettedthatsheproceededtosay，"Mydearboy，youmustn’ttalktheseheresiesinsideDunwoodHouse！YousoundjustlikeoneofthatreactionaryJacksonset，whowanttoflingtheschoolbackahundredyearsandhavenothingbutday—boysalldressedanyhow。"

"TheJacksonsethavetheirpoints。"

"You’dbetterjoinit。"

"TheDunwoodHousesethasitspoints。"ForRickiesufferedfromthePrimalCurse，whichisnot——astheAuthorizedVersionsuggests——theknowledgeofgoodandevil，buttheknowledgeofgood—and—evil。

"ThensticktotheDunwoodHouseset。"

"Ido，andshall。"Againhewasashamed。Whywouldheseetheothersideofthings？Herebukedhissoul，notunsuccessfully，andthentheyreturnedtothesubjectofVarden。

"I’mcertainhesuffers，"saidhe，forshewoulddonothingbutlaugh。"Eachboywhopassespullshisears——veryfunny，nodoubt;

buteverydaytheystickoutmoreandgetredder，andthisafternoon，whenhedidn’tknowhewasbeingwatched，hewasholdinghisheadandmoaning。Ihatethelookabouthiseyes。"

"Ihatethewholeboy。Nastyweedything。"

"Well，I’manastyweedything，ifitcomestothat。"

"No，youaren’t，"shecried，kissinghim。Butheledherbacktothesubject。Couldnothingbesuggested？Hedrewupsomenewrules——alterationsinthetimesofgoingtobed，andsoon——theeffectofwhichwouldbetoprovidefeweropportunitiesforthepullingofVarden’sears。TherulesweresubmittedtoHerbert，whosympathizedwithweaklinessmorethandidhissister，andgavethemhiscarefulconsideration。Butunfortunatelytheycollidedwithotherrules，andonacloserexaminationhefoundthattheyalsorancontrarytothefundamentalsonwhichthegovernmentofDunwoodHousewasbased。Sonothingwasdone。Agneswasratherpleased，andtooktoteasingherhusbandaboutVarden。

Atlastheaskedhertostop。Hefeltuneasyabouttheboy——

almostsuperstitious。Hisfirstmorning’sworkhadbroughtsixtypoundsayeartotheirhotel。

XIX

TheydidnotgettoItalyatEaster。Herberthadtheofferofsomeprivatepupils，andneededRickie’shelp。ItseemedunreasonabletoleaveEnglandwhenmoneywastobemadeinit，sotheywenttoIlfracombeinstead。Theyspentthreeweeksamongthenaturaladvantagesandunnaturaldisadvantagesofthatresort。Itwasoutoftheseason，andtheyencampedinahugehotel，whichtookthematareduction。ByadisastrouschancetheJacksonsweredowntheretoo，andagooddealofconstrainedcivilityhadtopassbetweenthetwofamilies。ConstraineditwasnotinMr。

Jackson’scase。Atalltimeshewasreadytotalk，andaslongastheykeptofftheschoolitwaspleasantenough。Buthewasveryindiscreet，andfemininetacthadoftentointervene。"Goaway，dearladies，"hewouldthenobserve。"Youthinkyouseelifebecauseyouseethechasmsinit。Yetallthechasmsarefulloffemaleskeletons。"Theladiessmiledanxiously。ToRickiehewasfriendlyandevenintimate。TheyhadlongtalksonthedesertedCapstone，whiletheirwivessatreadingintheWinterGardenandMr。Pembrokekeptaneyeuponthetutoredyouths。"OnceIhadtutoredyouths，"saidMr。Jackson，"butIlostthemallbylettingthempaddlewithmynieces。Itissoimpossibletorememberwhatisproper。"Andsoonerorlatertheirtalkgravitatedtowardshiscentralpassion——theFragmentsofSophocles。Someday（"never，"saidHerbert）hewouldeditthem。

Atpresenttheyweremerelyinhisblood。Withthezealofascholarandtheimaginationofapoethereconstructedlostdramas——Niobe，Phaedra，PhiloctetesagainstTroy，whosenames，butforanaccident，wouldhavethrilledtheworld。"Isitworthit？"hecried。"Hadwebetterbeplantingpotatoes？"Andthen:

"Wehad;butthisisthesecondbest。"

Agnesdidnotapproveofthesecolloquies。Mr。Jacksonwasnotabuffoon，buthebehavedlikeone，whichiswhatmatters;andfromtheWinterGardenshecouldseepeoplelaughingathim，andatherhusband，whogotexcitedtoo。Shehintedonceortwice，butnonoticewastaken，andatlastshesaidrathersharply，"Now，you’renotto，Rickie。Iwon’thaveit。"

"He’satypethatsuitsme。HeknowspeopleIknow，orwouldliketohaveknown。HewasafriendofTonyFailing’s。Itissohardtorealizethatamanconnectedwithonewasgreat。UncleTonyseemstohavebeen。Helovedpoetryandmusicandpictures，andeverythingtemptedhimtoliveinakindofculturedparadise，withthedoorshutuponsqualor。Buttohavemoredecentpeopleintheworld——hesacrificedeverythingtothat。Hewouldhave’smashedthewholebeauty—shop’ifitwouldhelphim。Ireallycouldn’tgoasfarasthat。Idon’tthinkoneneedgoasfar——

picturesmighthavetobesmashed，butnotmusicorpoetry;

surelytheyhelp——andJacksondoesn’tthinksoeither。"

"Well，Iwon’thaveit，andthat’senough。"Shelaughed，forhervoicehadalittlebeenthatoftheprofessionalscold。"Youseewemusthangtogether。He’sinthereactionarycamp。"

"Hedoesn’tknowit。Hedoesn’tknowthatheisinanycampatall。"

"Hiswifeis，whichcomestothesame。"

"Still，it’stheholidays——"HeandMr。Jacksonhaddriftedapartintheterm，chieflyowingtotheaffairofVarden。"Weweretohavetheholidaystoourselves，youknow。"Andfollowingsomelineofthought，hecontinued，"Hecheersoneup。Hedoesbelieveinpoetry。Smart，sentimentalbooksdoseemabsolutelyabsurdtohim，andgodsandfairiesfarnearertoreality。HetriestoexpressallmodernlifeinthetermsofGreekmythology，becausetheGreekslookedverystraightatthings，andDemeterorAphroditearethinnerveilsthan’Thesurvivalofthefittest’，or’Amarriagehasbeenarranged，’andotherdraperiesofmodernjournalese。"

"Anddoyouknowwhatthatmeans？"

"Itmeansthatpoetry，notprose，liesatthecore。"

"No。Icantellyouwhatitmeans——balder—dash。"

Hismouthfell。Shewassweepingawaythecobwebswithavengeance。"Ihopeyou’rewrong，"hereplied，"forthosearethelinesonwhichI’vebeenwriting，howeverbadly，forthelasttwoyears。"

"Butyouwritestories，notpoems。"

Helookedathiswatch。"Lessonsagain。Oneneverhasamoment’speace。"

"PoorRickie。Youshallhavearealholidayinthesummer。"Andshecalledafterhimtosay，"Remember，dear，aboutMr。Jackson。

Don’tgotalkingsomuchtohim。"

Ratherarbitrary。Hertonehadbeenalittlearbitraryoflate。

Butwhatdiditmatter？Mr。Jacksonwasnotafriend，andhemustriskthechanceofoffendingWiddrington。AfterthelessonhewrotetoAnsell，whomhehadnotseensinceJune，askinghimtocomedowntoIlfracombe，ifonlyforaday。Onreadingtheletterover，itstonedispleasedhim。Itwasquitepathetic:itsoundedlikeacryfromprison。"Ican’tsendhimsuchnonsense，"hethought，andwroteagain。Butphraseitashewouldtheletteralwayssuggestedthathewasunhappy。"What’swrong？"hewondered。"IcouldwriteanythingIwantedtohimonce。"Sohescrawled"Come！"onapost—card。Buteventhisseemedtooserious。Thepost—cardfollowedtheletters，andAgnesfoundthemallinthewaste—paperbasket。

Thenshesaid，"I’vebeenthinking——oughtn’tyoutoaskMr。

Ansellover？Abreathofseaairwoulddothepoorthinggood。"

Therewasnodifficultynow。Hewroteatonce，"MydearStewart，Webothsomuchwishyoucouldcomeover。"Buttheinvitationwasrefused。Alittleuneasyhewroteagain，usingthedialectoftheirpastintimacy。Theeffectofthisletterwasnotpatheticbutjaunty，andhefeltakeenregretassoonasitslippedintothebox。Itwasarelieftoreceivenoreply。

Hebroodedagooddealoverthispainfulyetintangibleepisode。

Wasthepainallofhisowncreating？orhaditbeenproducedbysomethingexternal？Andhegottheanswerthatbroodingalwaysgives——itwasboth。Hewasmorbid，andhadbeensosincehisvisittoCadover——quickertoregisterdiscomfortthanjoy。But，nonetheless，Ansellwasdefinitelybrutal，andAgnesdefinitelyjealous。Brutalityhecouldunderstand，alienasitwastohimself。Jealousy，equallyalien，wasahardermatter。Lethusbandandwifebeassunandmoon，orasmoonandsun。Shalltheythereforenotgivegreetingtothestars？Hewaswillingtograntthatthelovethatinspiredhermightbehigherthanhisown。Yetdiditnotexcludethembothfrommuchthatisgracious？

ThatdreamofhiswhenherodeontheWiltshireexpanses——acuriousdream:thelarksilent，theearthdissolving。Andheawokefromitintoavalleyfullofmen。

Shewasjealousinmanyways——sometimesinanopenhumorousfashion，sometimesmoresubtly，nevercontenttill"we"hadextendedourpatronage，and，ifpossible，ourpity。ShebegantopatronizeandpityAnsell，andmostsincerelytrustedthathewouldgethisfellowship。Otherwisewhatwasthepoorfellowtodo？Ridiculousasitmayseem，shewasevenjealousofNature。

OnedayherhusbandescapedfromIlfracombetoMorthoe，andcamebackecstaticoveritsfangsofslate，piercinganoilysea。

"Soundslikeanhippopotamus，"shesaidpeevishly。AndwhentheyreturnedtoSawstonthroughtheVirgiliancounties，shedislikedhimlookingoutofthewindows，foralltheworldasifNaturewassomedangerouswoman。

Heresumedhisdutieswithafeelingthathehadneverleftthem。Againheconfrontedtheassembledhouse。Thistermwasagaintheterm;schoolstilltheworldinminiature。Themusicofthefour—partfugueenteredintohimmoredeeply，andhebegantohumitslittlephrases。Thesameroutine，thesamediplomacies，thesameoldsenseofonlyhalfknowingboysormen——hereturnedtoitall:andallthatchangedwasthecloudofunreality，whicheverbroodedalittlemoredenselythanbefore。Hespoketohiswifeaboutthis，hespoketoherabouteverything，andshewasalarmed，andwantedhimtoseeadoctor。Butheexplainedthatitwasnothingofanypracticalimportance，nothingthatinterferedwithhisworkorhisappetite，nothingmorethanafeelingthatthecowwasnotreallythere。Shelaughed，and"howisthecowtoday？"soonpassedintoadomesticjoke。

XX

Ansellwasinhisfavouritehaunt——thereading—roomoftheBritishMuseum。

Inthatbook—encircledspacehealwayscouldfindpeace。Helovedtoseethevolumesrisingtierabovetierintothemistydome。Helovedthechairsthatglidesonoiselessly，andtheradiatingdesks，andthecentralarea，wherethecatalogueshelvescurve，roundthesuperintendent’sthrone。

Thereheknewthathislifewasnotignoble。Itwasworthwhiletogrowoldanddustyseekingfortruththoughtruthisunattainable，restatingquestionsthathavebeenstatedatthebeginningoftheworld。Failurewouldawaithim，butnotdisillusionment。Itwasworthwhilereadingbooks，andwritingabookortwowhichfewwouldread，andnoone，perhaps，endorse。Hewasnotahero，andheknewit。Hisfatherandsister，bytheirsteadygoodness，hadmadethislifepossible。But，allthesame，itwasnotthelifeofaspoiltchild。

InthenextchairtohimsatWiddrington，engagedinhishistoricalresearch。Hisdeskwasedgedwithenormousvolumes，andeveryfewmomentsanassistantbroughthimmore。TheyroselikeawallagainstAnsell。Towardstheendofthemorningagapwasmade，andthroughittheyheldthefollowingconversation。

"I’vebeenstoppingwithmycousinatSawston。"

"M’m。"

"Itwasquiteexciting。Theairrangwithbattle。Abouttwo—thirdsofthemastershavelosttheirheads，andaretryingtoproduceagimcrackcopyofEton。Lastterm，youknow，withagreatdealofpuffingandblowing，theyfixedthenumbersoftheschool。Thistermtheywanttocreateanewboarding—house。"

"Theyareverywelcome。"

"Butthemoreboarding—housestheycreate，thelessroomtheyleaveforday—boys。Thelocalmothersarefrantic，andsoismyqueercousin。Ineverknewhimsoexcitedoversub—Hellenicthings。Therewasanindignationmeetingathishouse。Heissupposedtolookaftertheday—boys’interests，butnoonethoughthewould——leastofallthepeoplewhogavehimthepost。

Thespeechesweremosteloquent。Theyarguedthattheschoolwasfoundedforday—boys，andthatit’sintolerabletohandicapthem。

Onepoorladycried，’Here’smyHaroldintheschool，andmyToddiecomingon。AslikelyasnotIshallbetoldthereisnovacancyforhim。ThenwhatamItodo？IfIgo，what’stobecomeofHarold;andifIstop，what’stobecomeofToddie？’ImustsayIwastouched。Familylifeismorerealthannationallife——atleastI’veorderedallthesebookstoproveitis——andIfancythatthebustofEuripidesagreedwithme，andwassorryforthehot—facedmothers。Jacksonwilldowhathecan。Hedidn’tquiteliketostatethenakedtruth—whichis，thatboardinghousespay。

Heexplainedittomeafterwards:theyaretheonly，futureopentoastupidmaster。It’seasyenoughtobeabeakwhenyou’reyoungandathletic，andcanofferthelatestUniversitysmattering。Thedifficultyistokeepyourplacewhenyougetoldandstiff，andyoungersmatterersarepushingupbehindyou。

Crawlintoaboarding—houseandyou’resafe。Amaster’slifeisfrightfullytragic。Jackson’sfairlyrighthimself，becausehehasgotafirst—classintellect。ButImetapoorbrutewhowashiredasanathlete。Hehasmissedhisshotataboarding—house，andthere’snothingintheworldforhimtodobuttotrundledownthehill。"