第2章

"OfcourseIdon’treallythinkaboutwriting，"hesaid，ashepouredthecoldwaterintothecoffee。"Evenifmythingseverweredecent，Idon’tthinkthemagazineswouldtakethem，andthemagazinesareone’sonlychance。Ireadsomewhere，too，thatMarieCorelli’sabouttheonlypersonwhomakesathingoutofliterature。I’mcertainitwouldn’tpayme。"

"Inevermentionedtheword’pay，’"saidMr。Pembrokeuneasily。

"Youmustnotconsidermoney。Thereareidealstoo。"

"Ihavenoideals。"

Rickie！"sheexclaimed。"Horribleboy！"

"No，Agnes，Ihavenoideals。"Thenhegotveryred，foritwasaphrasehehadcaughtfromAnsell，andhecouldnotrememberwhatcamenext。

"Thepersonwhohasnoideals，"sheexclaimed，"istobepitied。"

"Ithinksotoo，"saidMr。Pembroke，sippinghiscoffee。"Lifewithoutanidealwouldbeliketheskywithoutthesun。"

Rickielookedtowardsthenight，whereintherenowtwinkledinnumerablestars——godsandheroes，virginsandbrides，towhomtheGreekshavegiventheirnames。

"Lifewithoutanideal——"repeatedMr。Pembroke，andthenstopped，forhismouthwasfullofcoffeegrounds。ThesameafflictionhadovertakenAgnes。Afteralittlejocoselaughtertheydepartedtotheirlodgings，andRickie，havingseenthemasfarastheporter’slodge，hurried，singingashewent，toAnsell’sroom，burstopenthedoor，andsaid，"Lookhere！

Whateverdoyoumeanbyit？"

"Bywhat？"Ansellwassittingalonewithapieceofpaperinfrontofhim。Onitwasadiagram——acircleinsideasquare，insidewhichwasagainasquare。

"Bybeingsorude。You’renogentleman，andItoldherso。"Heslammedhimontheheadwithasofacushion。"I’mcertainoneoughttobepolite，eventopeoplewhoaren’tsaved。"（"Notsaved"wasaphrasetheyappliedjustthentothosewhomtheydidnotlikeorintimatelyknow。）"AndIbelievesheissaved。I

neverknewanyonesoalwaysgood—temperedandkind。She’sbeenkindtomeeversinceIknewher。Iwishyou’dheardhertryingtostopherbrother:you’dhavecertainlycomeround。Notbutwhathewasonlybeingniceaswell。Butsheisreallynice。AndIthoughtshecameintotheroomsobeautifully。Doyouknow——oh，ofcourse，youdespisemusic——butAndersonwasplayingWagner，andhe’djustgottothepartwheretheysing’Rheingold！

’Rheingold！

andthesunstrikesintothewaters，andthemusic，whichuptothenhassooftenbeeninEflat——"

"GoesintoDsharp。Ihavenotunderstoodasingleword，partlybecauseyoutalkasifyourmouthwasfullofplums，partlybecauseIdon’tknowwhomyou’retalkingabout。"

"MissPembroke——whomyousaw。"

"Isawnoone。"

"Whocamein？"

"Noonecamein。"

"You’reanass！"shriekedRickie。"Shecamein。Yousawhercomein。Sheandherbrotherhavebeentodinner。"

"Youonlythinkso。Theywerenotreallythere。"

"ButtheystoptillMonday。"

"Youonlythinkthattheyarestopping。"

"But——oh，lookhere，shutup！Thegirllikeanempress——"

"Isawnoempress，noranygirl，norhaveyouseenthem。"

"Ansell，don’trag。"

"Elliot，Ineverrag，andyouknowit。Shewasnotreallythere。"

Therewasamoment’ssilence。ThenRickieexclaimed，"I’vegotyou。Yousay——orwasitTilliard？——no，YOUsaythatthecow’sthere。Well——therethesepeopleare，then。Gotyou。Yah！"

"Diditneverstrikeyouthatphenomenamaybeoftwokinds:ONE，thosewhichhavearealexistence，suchasthecow;TWO，thosewhicharethesubjectiveproductofadiseasedimagination，andwhich，toourdestruction，weinvestwiththesemblanceofreality？Ifthisneverstruckyou，letitstrikeyounow。"

Rickiespokeagain，butreceivednoanswer。Hepacedalittleupanddownthesombreroam。Thenhesatontheedgeofthetableandwatchedhiscleverfrienddrawwithinthesquareacircle，andwithinthecircleasquare，andinsidethatanothercircle，andinsidethatanothersquare。

"Whvwillyoudothat？"

Noanswer。

"Aretheyreal？"

"Theinsideoneis——theoneinthemiddleofeverything，thatthere’sneverroomenoughtodraw。"

II

AlittlethissideofMadingley，totheleftoftheroad，thereisasecludeddell，pavedwithgrassandplantedwithfir—trees。

Itcouldnothavebeenworthavisittwentyyearsago，forthenitwasonlyascarofchalk，anditisnotworthavisitatthepresentday，forthetreeshavegrowntoothickandchokedit。

ButwhenRickiewasup，itchancedtobethebriefseasonofitsromance，aseasonasbriefforachalk—pitasaman——itsdivineintervalbetweenthebarenessofboyhoodandthestuffinessofage。Rickiehaddiscovereditinhissecondterm，whentheJanuarysnowshadmeltedandleftfiordsandlagoonsofclearestwaterbetweentheinequalitiesofthefloor。TheplacelookedasbigasSwitzerlandorNorway——asindeedforthemomentitwas——

andhecameuponitatatimewhenhislifetoowasbeginningtoexpand。Accordinglythedellbecameforhimakindofchurch——achurchwhereindeedyoucoulddoanythingyouliked，butwhereanythingyoudidwouldbetransfigured。LiketheancientGreeks，hecouldevenlaughathisholyplaceandleaveitnolessholy。

Hechattedgailyaboutit，andaboutthepleasantthoughtswithwhichitinspiredhim;hetookhisfriendsthere;heeventookpeoplewhomhedidnotlike。"Proculeste，profani！"exclaimedadelightedaestheteonbeingintroducedtoit。ButthiswasnevertobetheattitudeofRickie。Hedidnotlovethevulgarherd，butheknewthathisownvulgaritywouldbegreaterifheforbadeitingress，andthatitwasnotbypreciositythathewouldattaintotheintimatespiritofthedell。Indeed，ifhehadagreedwiththeaesthete，hewouldpossiblynothaveintroducedhim。Ifthedellwastobearanyinscription，hewouldhavelikedittobe"ThiswaytoHeaven，"paintedonasign—postbythehigh—road，andhedidnotrealizetilllateryearsthatthenumberofvisitorswouldnottherebyhavesensiblyincreased。

OntheblessedMondaythatthePembrokesleft，hewalkedoutherewiththreefriends。Itwasadaywhentheskyseemedenormous。

Onecloud，aslargeasacontinent，wasvoyagingnearthesun，whilstothercloudsseemedanchoredtothehorizon，toolazyortoohappytomove。Theskyitselfwasofthepalestblue，palingtowhitewhereitapproachedtheearth;andtheearth，brown，wet，andodorous，wasengagedbeneathitonitsyearlydutyofdecay。Rickiewasopentothecomplexitiesofautumn;hefeltextremelytiny——extremelytinyandextremelyimportant;andperhapsthecombinationisasfairasanythatexists。Hehopedthatallhislifehewouldneverbepeevishorunkind。

"Elliotisinadangerousstate，"saidAnsell。Theyhadreachedthedell，andhadstoodforsometimeinsilence，eachleaningagainstatree。Itwastoowettositdown。

"How’sthat？"askedRickie，whohadnotknownhewasinanystateatall。HeshutupKeats，whomhethoughthehadbeenreading，andslippedhimbackintohiscoat—pocket。Scarcelyeverwashewithoutabook。

"He’stryingtolikepeople。"

"Thenhe’sdonefor，"saidWiddrington。"He’sdead。"

"He’stryingtolikeHornblower。"

Theothersgaveshrillagonizedcries。

"Hewantstobindthecollegetogether。Hewantstolinkustothebeefyset。"

"IdolikeHornblower，"heprotested。"Idon’ttry。"

"AndHornblowertriestolikeyou。"

"Thatpartdoesn’tmatter。"

"Buthedoestrytolikeyou。Hetriesnottodespiseyou。Itisaltogetheramostpublic—spiritedaffair。"

"Tilliardstartedthem，"saidWiddrington。"Tilliardthinksitsuchapitythecollegeshouldbesplitintosets。"

"Oh，Tilliard！"saidAnsell，withmuchirritation。"Butwhatcanyouexpectfromapersonwho’seternallybeautiful？Theothernightwehadbeendiscussingalongtime，andsuddenlythelightwasturnedon。Everyoneelselookedasight，astheyought。ButtherewasTilliard，sittingneatlyonalittlechair，likeanundersizedgod，withnotacurlcrooked。IshouldsayhewillgetintotheForeignOffice。"

"Whyaremostofussougly？"laughedRickie。

"It’smerelyasignofoursalvation——merelyanothersignthatthecollegeissplit。"

"Thecollegeisn’tsplit，"criedRickie，whogotexcitedonthissubjectwithunfailingregularity。"Thecollegeis，andhasbeen，andalwayswillbe，one。Whatyoucallthebeefysetaren’tasetatall。They’rejusttherowingpeople，andnaturallytheychieflyseeeachother;butthey’realwaysnicetomeortoanyone。Ofcourse，theythinkusratherasses，butit’squiteinapleasantway。"

"That’smywholeobjection，"saidAnsell。"Whatrighthavetheytothinkusassesinapleasantway？Whydon’ttheyhateus？WhatrighthasHornblowertosmackmeonthebackwhenI’vebeenrudetohim？"

"Well，whatrighthaveyoutoberudetohim？"

"BecauseIhatehim。Youthinkitissosplendidtohatenoone。

Itellyouitisacrime。Youwanttoloveeveryoneequally，andthat’sworsethanimpossibleit’swrong。Whenyoudenouncesets，you’rereallytryingtodestroyfriendship。"

"Imaintain，"saidRickie——itwasaverbheclungto，inthehopethatitwouldlendstabilitytowhatfollowed——"Imaintainthatonecanlikemanymorepeoplethanonesupposes。"

"AndImaintainthatyouhatemanymorepeoplethanyoupretend。"

"Ihatenoone，"heexclaimedwithextraordinaryvehemence，andthedellre—echoedthatithatednoone。

"Weareobligedtobelieveyou，"saidWiddrington，smilingalittle"butwearesorryaboutit。"

"Notevenyourfather？"askedAnsell。

Rickiewassilent。

"Notevenyourfather？"

Thecloudaboveextendedagreatpromontoryacrossthesun。Itonlylaythereforamoment，yetthatwasenoughtosummonthelurkingcoldnessfromtheearth。

"Doeshehatehisfather？"saidWiddrington，whohadnotknown。

"Oh，good！"

"Buthisfather’sdead。Hewillsayitdoesn’tcount。"

"Still，it’ssomething。Doyouhateyours？"

Anselldidnotreply。Rickiesaid:"Isay，Iwonderwhetheroneoughttotalklikethis？"

"Abouthatingdeadpeople？"

"Yes——"

"Didyouhateyourmother？"askedWiddrington。

Rickieturnedcrimson。

"Idon’tseeHornblower’ssucharotter，"remarkedtheotherman，whosenamewasJames。

"James，youarediplomatic，"saidAnsell。"Youaretryingtotideoveranawkwardmoment。Youcango。"

Widdringtonwascrimsontoo。Inhiswishtobesprightlyhehadusedwordswithoutthinkingoftheirmeanings。Suddenlyherealizedthat"father"and"mother"reallymeantfatherandmother——peoplewhomhehadhimselfathome。Hewasveryuncomfortable，andthoughtRickiehadbeenratherqueer。HetootriedtoreverttoHornblower，butAnsellwouldnotlethim。Thesuncameout，andstruckonthewhiterampartsofthedell。

Rickielookedstraightatit。Thenhesaidabruptly——

"IthinkIwanttotalk。"

"Ithinkyoudo，"repliedAnsell。

"Shouldn’tIberatherafoolifIwentthroughCambridgewithouttalking？It’ssaidnevertocomesoeasyagain。Allthepeoplearedeadtoo。Ican’tseewhyIshouldn’ttellyoumostthingsaboutmybirthandparentageandeducation。"

"Talkaway。Ifyouboreus，wehavebooks。"

WiththisinvitationRickiebegantorelatehishistory。Thereaderwhohasnobookwillbeobligedtolistentoit。

Somepeoplespendtheirlivesinasuburb，andnotforanyurgentreason。ThishadbeenthefateofRickie。Hehadopenedhiseyestofilmyheavens，andtakenhisfirstwalkonasphalt。Hehadseencivilizationasarowofsemi—detachedvillas，andsocietyasastateinwhichmendonotknowthemenwholivenextdoor。

Hehadhimselfbecomepartofthegreymonotonythatsurroundsallcities。Therewasnonecessityforthis——itwasonlyratherconvenienttohisfather。

Mr。Elliotwasabarrister。Inappearanceheresembledhisson，beingweaklyandlame，withhollowlittlecheeks，abroadwhitebandofforehead，andstiffimpoverishedhair。Hisvoice，whichhedidnottransmit，wasverysuave，withafinecommandofcynicalintonation。Byalteringiteversolittlehecouldmakepeoplewince，especiallyiftheyweresimpleorpoor。Nordidhetransmithiseyes。Theirpeculiarflatness，asifthesoullookedthroughdirtywindow—panes，theunkindnessofthem，thecowardice，thefearinthem，weretotroubletheworldnolonger。

Hemarriedagirlwhosevoicewasbeautiful。Therewasnocaressinityetallwhohearditweresoothed，asthoughtheworldheldsomeunexpectedblessing。Shecalledtoherdogsonenightoverinvisiblewaters，andhe，atouristuponthebridge，thought"thatisextraordinarilyadequate。"Intimehediscoveredthatherfigure，face，andthoughtswereadequatealso，andasshewasnotimpossiblesocially，hemarriedher。"Ihavetakenaplunge，"

hetoldhisfamily。Thefamily，hostileatfirst，hadnotawordtosaywhenthewomanwasintroducedtothem;andhissisterdeclaredthattheplungehadbeentakenfromtheoppositebank。

Thingsonlywentrightforalittletime。Thoughbeautifulwithoutandwithin，Mrs。Elliothadnotthegiftofmakingherhomebeautiful;andoneday，whensheboughtacarpetforthedining—roomthatclashed，helaughedgently，saidhe"reallycouldn’t，"anddeparted。Departureisperhapstoostrongaword。

InMrs。Elliot’smouthitbecame，"Myhusbandhastosleepmoreintown。"Heoftencamedowntoseethem，nearlyalwaysunexpectedly，andoccasionallytheywenttoseehim。"Father’shouse，"asRickiecalledit，onlyhadthreerooms，butthesewerefullofbooksandpicturesandflowers;andtheflowers，insteadofbeingsquasheddownintothevasesastheywereinmummy’shouse，rosegracefullyfromframesofleadwhichlaycoiledatthebottom，asdoubtlesstheseaserpenthastolie，coiledatthebottomofthesea。Oncehewaslettoliftaframeout——onlyonce，forhedroppedsomewateronacreton。"Ithinkhe’sgoingtohavetaste，"saidMr。Elliotlanguidly。"Itisquitepossible，"hiswifereplied。Shehadnottakenoffherhatandgloves，norevenpulledupherveil。Mr。Elliotlaughed，andsoonafterwardsanotherladycamein，andthey——wentaway。

"Whydoesfatheralwayslaugh？"askedRickieintheeveningwhenheandhismotherweresittinginthenursery。

"Itisawayofyourfather’s。"

"Whydoeshealwayslaughatme？AmIsofunny？"Thenafterapause，"Youhavenosenseofhumour，haveyou，mummy？"

Mrs。Elliot，whowasraisingathreadofcottontoherlips，helditsuspendedinamazement。

"Youtoldhimsothisafternoon。ButIhaveseenyoulaugh。"Henoddedwisely。"Ihaveseenyoulaugheversooften。Onedayyouwerelaughingalonealldowninthesweetpeas。"

"WasI？"

"Yes。Wereyoulaughingatme？"

"Iwasnotthinkingaboutyou。Cotton，please——areelofNo。50

whitefrommychestofdrawers。Lefthanddrawer。Nowwhichisyourlefthand？"

"Thesidemypocketis。"

"Andifyouhadnopocket？"

"Thesidemybadfootis。"

"Imeantyoutosay，’thesidemyheartis，’"saidMrs。Elliot，holdingupthedusterbetweenthem。"Mostofus——Imeanallofus——canfeelononesidealittlewatch，thatneverstopsticking。Soevenifyouhadnobadfootyouwouldstillknowwhichistheleft。No。50white，please。No;I’llgetitmyself。"

Forshehadrememberedthatthedarkpassagefrightenedhim。

Theseweretheoutlines。Rickiefilledtheminwiththeslownessandtheaccuracyofachild。Hewasnevertoldanything，buthediscoveredforhimselfthathisfatherandmotherdidnotloveeachother，andthathismotherwaslovable。HediscoveredthatMr。ElliothaddubbedhimRickiebecausehewasrickety，thathetookpleasureinalludingtohisson’sdeformity，andwassorrythatitwasnotmoreseriousthanhisown。Mr。Elliothadnotonescrapofgenius。Hegatheredthepicturesandthebooksandtheflower—supportsmechanically，notinanyimpulseoflove。Hepassedforaculturedmanbecauseheknewhowtoselect，andhepassedforanunconventionalmanbecausehedidnotselectquitelikeotherpeople。Inrealityheneverdidorsaidorthoughtonesinglethingthathadtheslightestbeautyorvalue。AndintimeRickiediscoveredthisaswell。

Theboygrewupingreatloneliness。Heworshippedhismother，andshewasfondofhim。Butshewasdignifiedandreticent，andpathos，liketattle，wasdisgustingtoher。Shewasafraidofintimacy，incaseitledtoconfidencesandtears，andsoallherlifesheheldhersonatalittledistance。Herkindnessandunselfishnessknewnolimits，butifhetriedtobedramaticandthankher，shetoldhimnottobealittlegoose。Andsotheonlypersonhecametoknowatallwashimself。HewouldplayHalmaagainsthimself。Hewouldconductsolitaryconversations，inwhichonepartofhimaskedandanotherpartanswered。Itwasanexcitinggame，andconcludedwiththeformula:"Good—bye。

Thankyou。Iamgladtohavemetyou。Ihopebeforelongweshallenjoyanotherchat。"Andthenperhapshewouldsobforloneliness，forhewouldseerealpeople——realbrothers，realfriends——doinginwarmlifethethingshehadpretended。"ShallI

everhaveafriend？"hedemandedattheageoftwelve。"Idon’tseehow。Theywalktoofast。AndabrotherIshallneverhave。"

（"Noloss，"interruptedWiddrington。

"ButIshallneverhaveone，andsoIquitewantone，evennow。"）

WhenhewasthirteenMr。Elliotenteredonhisillness。Theprettyroomsintownwouldnotdoforaninvalid，andsohecamebacktohishome。OneofthefirstconsequenceswasthatRickiewassenttoapublicschool。Mrs。Elliotdidwhatshecould，butshehadnoholdwhateveroverherhusband。

"Heworriesme，"hedeclared。"He’sajokeofwhichIhavegottired。"

"Woulditbepossibletosendhimtoaprivatetutor’s？"

"No，"saidMr。Elliot，whohadallthemoney。"Coddling。"

"Iagreethatboysoughttoroughit;butwhenaboyislameandverydelicate，heroughsitsufficientlyifheleaveshome。

Rickiecan’tplaygames。Hedoesn’tmakefriends。Heisn’tbrilliant。Thinkingitover，Ifeelthatasit’slikethis，wecan’teverhopetogivehimtheordinaryeducation。Perhapsyoucouldthinkitovertoo。"No。

"Iamsurethatthingsarebestforhimastheyare。Theday—schoolknocksquiteasmanycornersoffhimashecanstand。

Hehatesit，butitisgoodforhim。Apublicschoolwillnotbegoodforhim。Itistoorough。Insteadofgettingmanlyandhard，hewill——"

"Myhead，please。"

Rickiedepartedinastateofbewilderedmisery，whichwasscarcelyevertogrowclearer。

Eachholidayhefoundhisfathermoreirritable，andalittleweaker。Mrs。Elliotwasquicklygrowingold。Shehadtomanagetheservants，tohushtheneighbouringchildren，toanswerthecorrespondence，topaperandre—papertherooms——andallforthesakeofamanwhomshedidnotlike，andwhodidnotconcealhisdislikeforher。OnedayshefoundRickietearful，andsaidrathercrossly，"Well，whatisitthistime？"

Hereplied，"Oh，mummy，I’veseenyourwrinklesyourgreyhair——

I’munhappy。"

Suddentendernessovercameher，andshecried，"Mydarling，whatdoesitmatter？Whateverdoesitmatternow？"

Hehadneverknownhersoemotional。Yetevenbetterdidherememberanotherincident。Hearinghighvoicesfromhisfather’sroom，hewentupstairsinthehopethatthesoundofhistreadmightstopthem。Mrs。Elliotburstopenthedoor，andseeinghim，exclaimed，"Mydear！Ifyouplease，he’shitme。"Shetriedtolaughitoff，butafewhourslaterhesawthebruisewhichthestickoftheinvalidhadraiseduponhismother’shand。

Godaloneknowshowfarweareinthegripofourbodies。HealonecanjudgehowfarthecrueltyofMr。Elliotwastheoutcomeofextenuatingcircumstances。ButMrs。Elliotcouldaccuratelyjudgeofitsextent。

Atlasthedied。Rickiewasnowfifteen，andgotoffawholeweek’sschoolforthefuneral。Hismotherwasratherstrange。Shewasmuchhappier，shelookedyounger，andhermourningwasasunobtrusiveasconventionpermitted。Allthishehadexpected。

Butsheseemedtobewatchinghim，andtobeextremelyanxiousforhisopiniononany，subject——moreespeciallyonhisfather。

Why？Atlasthesawthatshewastryingtoestablishconfidencebetweenthem。Butconfidencecannotbeestablishedinamoment。

Theywerebothshy。Thehabitofyearswasuponthem，andtheyalludedtothedeathofMr。Elliotasanirreparableloss。

"Nowthatyourfatherhasgone，thingswillbeverydifferent。"

"Shallwebepoorer，mother？"No。

"Oh！"

"Butnaturallythingswillbeverydifferent。"

"Yes，naturally。"

"Forinstance，yourpoorfatherlikedbeingnearLondon，butI

almostthinkwemightmove。Wouldyoulikethat？"

"Ofcourse，mummy。"Helookeddownattheground。Hewasnotaccustomedtobeingconsulted，anditbewilderedhim。

"Perhapsyoumightlikequiteadifferentlifebetter？"

Hegiggled。

"It’salittledifficultforme，"saidMrs。Elliot，pacingvigorouslyupanddowntheroom，andmoreandmoredidherblackdressseemamockery。"Insomewaysyououghttobeconsulted:

nearlyallthemoneyislefttoyou，asyoumusthearsometimeorother。Butinotherwaysyou’reonlyaboy。WhatamItodo？"

"Idon’tknow，"hereplied，appearingmorehelplessandunhelpfulthanhereallywas。

"Forinstance，wouldyoulikemetoarrangethingsexactlyasI

like？"

"Ohdo！"heexclaimed，thinkingthisamostbrilliantsuggestion。

"Theverynicestthingofall。"Andheadded，inhishalf—pedantic，half—pleasingway，"Ishallbeaswaxinyourhands，mamma。"

Shesmiled。"Verywell，darling。Youshallbe。"Andshepressedhimlovingly，asthoughshewouldmouldhimintosomethingbeautiful。

Forthenextfewdaysgreatpreparationswereintheair。Shewenttoseehisfather’ssister，thegiftedandvivaciousAuntEmily。Theyweretoliveinthecountry——somewhererightinthecountry，withgrassandtreesuptothedoor，andbirdssingingeverywhere，andatutor。Forhewasnottogobacktoschool。

Unbelievable！Hewasnevertogobacktoschool，andthehead—

masterhadwrittensayingthatheregrettedthestep，butthatpossiblyitwasawiseone。

Itwasrawweather，andMrs。Elliotwatchedoverhimwithceaselesstenderness。Itseemedasifshecouldnotdotoomuchtoshieldhimandtodrawhimnearertoher。

"Putonyourgreatcoat，dearest，"shesaidtohim。

"Idon’tthinkIwantit，"answeredRickie，rememberingthathewasnowfifteen。

"Thewindisbitter。Yououghttoputiton。"

"Butit’ssoheavy。"

"Doputiton，dear。"

Hewasnotveryoftenirritableorrude，butheanswered，"Oh，I

shan’tcatchcold。Idowishyouwouldn’tkeeponbothering。"