第32章

Beforethevigilofthatnightwasover,hedecidedthathecouldnotmeeteitherIdaMayheworJennieBurtonagain.HebelievedthatIdaMayhewunderstoodhimonlytoowellnow,andthatshethoroughlydespisedhim.Indeed,fromhermannerofpassinghim,hedoubtedwhethershewillinglywouldspeaktohimagain,forherveilhadpreventedhimfromseeingthepallorandtracesofgriefwhichshewassoanxioustohide.Inhismorbidlysensitivestate,itseemedadeliberatebutjustwithdrawalofevenheracquaintance.

HefeltthatthebriefdreamofIdaMayhewwasoverforever,andthatshewouldindeedkeepthepricelesskingdomofherheartfromhimaboveallothers.Hebelievedthatnow,afterherconversationwithStanton,sheclearlysawthattheabsurdlyardentfriendshiphehadurgeduponherwasonlytheincipientstageofanewpassioninaficklewretchwhohaddaredtotriflewithagirllikeJennieBurton——amaidenthat,ofallothersintheworld,amanofhonorwouldshield.

AsforMissBurtonherself,nowthatherealizedhissituation,hefeltthathecouldneverlookherinthefaceagain.Totrytoresumehisoldrelationsseemedtobeimpossible.Heneverhadandnevercouldsaytoherawordthatheknewwasinsincere.Besides,hewassurethatsuchaneffortwouldbefutile,forshewoulddetecthishollownessatonce,andhefearedaglanceofscornfromherblueeyesmorethanthelightningofheaven.HeresolvedtoleavetheLakeHouseonMonday,andfromNewYorkwritetoMissBurtontheunvarnishedtruth,assuringherthatheknewhimselftobeunworthyeventospeaktoheragain.Then,assoonashecouldcompletehispreparations,hewouldgoabroadandgivehimselfwhollytohisart.

Havingcometotheseconclusions,hestolebyasideentrancelikeaguiltyshadowtohisroomandtriedtoobtainsuchrestasispossibletothosewhoareinthehellofmentaltorment.Afteranearlybreakfastthefollowingmorning,hestartedforthemountains,andnowildbeastthateverroamedthemwouldhavetornhimmorepitilesslythandidhisownoutragedsenseofhonorandmanhood.

Hereturnedlateintheevening,wearyandfaint,andwiththefurtivenessofanoutlaw,againreachedhisroomwithoutmeetingthosewhomhesowishedtoavoid.Aftertheheavy,unrefreshingsleepofutterexhaustionheoncemoreleftthehouseearly,withhissketch-bookinhandtodisguisehispurpose,foritwashisintentiontovisittheoldgardenbeforehefinallyleftthescenestowhichhehadbeenledbyfollowingamerefreakoffancy.HelearnedfromoneofMr.Eltinge\'sworkmanthattheoldgentlemanwouldbeabsentfromhometheentireday,andthusfeelingsecurefrominterruption,heenteredthequite,shadyplaceinwhichhadbegunthesymphonywhichwasnowendinginsuchharshdiscord.

Seeingthathewasalonehethrewhimselfintotherusticseat,andburyinghisfaceinhishands,soonbecameunconsciousofthelapseoftimeinhispainfulrevery.

ChapterLII.AnIlluminedFace.

Ida\'sexpressionandmannerwhenshecamedowntobreakfastonSabbathmorning,remindedMissBurtonofthetimewhenthepoorgirlbelievedthatthemansheloved,bothdespisedandmisjudgedher.Andyettherewasavitaldifference.Thenshewasicyanddefiant;now,withallandmorethantheoldsadness,therewasanaspectofhumilityandgentlenesswhichhadneverbeenseeninformertimes,butthewomanwhoshouldhavebeensogladtocheerherandremoveallmisunderstandingsfoundthatshewasabsolutelyunapproachableexceptbyasortofsocialviolenceofwhichJennieBurtonwasnotcapable.Ida\'seffort——whichwasbutpartiallysuccessful——tobebraveandevencheerfulforherfather\'ssake,causedMr.Mayhewmorethanoncetogoawaybyhimselfinordertohidehisfeelings.Mrs.Mayhewbecamemoreandmoremystifiedanduncomfortable.Shehadenjoyed,inhercold-bloodedway,atranquil,gossipyweekduringherdaughter\'sandhusband\'sabsence,butnowshefeltasifsomekindofadomesticconvulsionmightoccuranymoment.

"Idon\'tseewhypeoplehavetomakesuchafussoverlife,"shecomplained."Iftheywouldonlydowhatwasstylish,properandreligioustheywouldn\'thaveanytrouble,"andthestrongandnotwhollyrepressedfeelingofIdaandherfather,ofwhichshewasuncomfortablyconscious,seemedtoherabsurdanduncalledfor.

Likethemajorityofmatter-of-factpeople,shehadnopatienceorcharityforemotionordeepregret."Dotheproperthingunderthecircumstancesandletthatendthematter,"wasoneofherfavoritesayings.

StantonlearnedfromMr.BurleighthatVanBerghadgoneonamountaintramp,and,whenhetoldIda,hopewhisperedtoher,"IfhelovedJennieBurtonorfeltthathecouldreturntoherside,hewouldnotdothatafterhislongabsence."

Butwhenhedidnotreturntosuppershebegantodroopandbecomepalelikeaflowergrowingintoodenseashade.Shewasgladwhentheinterminabledaycametoanendandshecouldshutherselfawayfromeveryone,fortherearewoundswhichtheheartwouldhideevenfromtheeyesofloveandsympathy.IthadbeenarrangedduringthedaythatMr.Mayhewshouldfindanotherplaceatwhichtospendhisvacation,andthatasearlyintheweekaspossibleStantonshouldtakehiswifeanddaughterthither.

WhenatlastpoorIdasleptshedreamtthatshewassailingonabeautifulyachtwithsilvercanvasandcrimsonflags——thatVanBergstoodathersidepointingtoalovelyislandwhichtheywererapidlyapproaching.Thenasuddengustofwindsweptheroverboardandshewassinking,sinkingtillthewatersbecamesocoldanddarkthatsheawokewithacryofterror."Oh,"shesobbed,"mydreamistrue!mydreamistrue!"

Mr.Mayhewreturnedtothecityinthemorning,leavinghisdaughterveryreluctantly,andIda,asearlyaspossible,setoutagaininthelowphaetontovisitMr.Eltinge,forneverbeforehadshefeltagreaterneedofhiscounselandhelp.Tearscameintohereyeswheninformedofhisabsence."Everythingisagainstme,"shemurmured;butshedecidedtospendsometimeinthegardenbeforeshereturned.Shehadalmostreachedtherusticseatwhenaturninthewalkrevealedthatitwasoccupied.Herfirstimpulsewastoretreathastily,butobservingthatVanBerghadnotheardherlightstep,shehesitated.Then,hisattitudeofutterdejectionsowonhersympathythatshecouldnotleavehimwithoutspeaking,forsherememberedhowsorelyinneedsheoncehadbeenofareassuringword.Moreover,herheartsaid,"Speaktohim;"hopecried,"Stay;"andhertemptationtowinhimifpossible,rightorwrong,sprangupwithtenfoldpowerandwhispered:"ThemanwhomJennieBurtonwelcomedsocordiallySaturdayeveningwouldnotwearthisaspectifhehadthepowertoreturnreadilytohersideagain."Stillshehesitatedandfounditalmostashardtoobtainwordsorcouragenowaswhenshesawhimpullingaparttheworm-eatenrosebud.Atlastshefaltered:

"Mr.VanBerg,areyouill?"

Hestartedtohisfeetwithadazedlookandpassedhishandacrosshisbrow——thesamegestureshesowellrememberedseeinghimmakeatthecloseofthehappyeveninghehadspentatherhome.Asherealizedthatthemaidenbeforehimwasfleshandblood,andnotacreationofhismorbidfancy,thehotbloodrushedswiftlyintohisface,andhiseyesfellbeforeher.

"Yes,MissMayhew,Iam,"hesaid,briefly.

"Iamverysorry.CanInotdoanythingforyou?"sheasked,kindly.

Helookedupatherinstrongsurprise,andwasstillmoreperplexedbythesympatheticexpressionofherface,butheonlysaid,"I

regrettosayyoucannot."

"Mr.VanBerg,"saidIda,intonesfullofdistress,"yourwordsandappearancepainmeexceedingly.Youlookasifyouhadbeenillamonth.Whathashappened?"Hisaspectmighttroubleonelessinterestedinhimthanherself,forhiseyeswereblood-shot,andhehadbecomesohaggardthatshecouldscarcelyrealizethathewasthemanwhobutfourdaysprevioushadcomparedhisheartymerrimentwiththe"laughterofthegods."

"MissMayhew,"hesaid,bitterlyandslowly,too,asifhewerecarefullychoosinghiswords,"youhadapresentimentlastSaturdaythatsomeevilwasabouttohappen.AsfarasIamconcernedtheworsthashappened.Ihavelostmyself-respect.Ihavenorighttostandhereinyourpresence.Ihavenorighttobeinthisplaceeven.Ioncetossedawayalittleflowerthathadbeensadlymarred,throughnofaultofitsown,andasIdidsoIsaidinmyprideandself-complacencythatitsimperfectionjustifiedmyact.

Youunderstoodmetoowell,andmyaccursedPhariseeismwoundedyourveryheart.Youafterwardsgenerouslyforgavemyoffenceandaworseone,butGodisjustandIamnowpunishedintheseverestpossibleway.Iperceivenowthatyoudonotunderstandme,oryoucouldnotlookandspeaksokindly.Ithoughtyouhadlearnedmebetter,foryouspokewordsontheboatthatpiercedmyverysoul,revealingmetomyself,andlateryoupassedmewithoutaglance.

Youwererightinbothinstances.Youarewrongnow,andishallnottakeadvantageofyourpresentignorance,whichcircumstanceswillsoonremove.Irepeatit,MissMayhew,Ihavenorighttobehereandspeakingtoyou,andyet"——hemadeapassionateanddespairinggesture,andwasabouttoturnhastilyaway,whenIdasaid,earnestly,withhereyesfixedonhisface,aswasherinstinctivecustomwhenshesoughttolearnmorefromtheexpressionofthespeakerthanfromhiswords:

"Mr.VanBerg,beforewepart,answermeonequestion.Haveyoudeliberatelyandselfishlyintendedtodowrong,ortowronganyone?"

"No,"hepromptlyrepliedmeeting,hersearchinglookunhesitatingly.

Then,withanimpatientgesture,headded:"Butnoonewilleverbelieveit."

"Ibelieveit,"shesaidwithareassuringsmile.

"You?Youofallothers?Butyouaretalkingatrandom,MissMayhew.Whenyoulearnthetruthyouwilllookandspeakverydifferently.Andyoushalllearnitnow.Youoncetoldmeofawickedanddesperatepurposetowhichyouweredrivenbythewrongofothers.YoursinseemstomeadeedoflightcomparedwiththeactIhavebeenledtocommit,undertheguidanceofmyproudreason,mysuperiorjudgement,mycool,well-balancednature——infernallycoolitwas,indeed!Pardonme,butIambesidemyselfwithrageandself-loathing.True,Ihavenotbeenintentionallyfalse,buttherearecircumstancesinwhichfolly,weakness,andstupidblunderingarenearlyasbad,andtheresultsquiteasbad.Whatcanyousayofthemanwhopaysopensuitandmakesadistinctofferandpledgetoalady,andtheretreatsfromthatsuitandbreaksthatpledge,andthroughnofaultwhateverintheladyherself?

Whatcanyousayofthatmanwhentheladyisapoorandorphanedgirl,whomanyonewithasparkofhonorwouldshieldwithhislife,butthatheisabase,ficklewretch,whodeservesthecontemptofallgoodmenandwomen,andthatheoughttobe——asheshallbe——avagabondonthefaceoftheearth?"

IdahadburiedherfaceinherhandsasshelearnedhowthoroughlyVanBerghadcommittedhimselftoMissBurton,andtheartistconcluded,abruptly:"Onethingiscertain,hehasnorighttobehere.Ishallnotwaitandseeyourlookofscorn,or——worse——ofpity,forIcouldnotendureit,"andhesnatcheduphissketch-bookandwasabouttohastenfromtheplace,whenIdasprangforwardandsaidpassionately:

"Wait.Thisisallwrong.Answermethis——whenyoudiscoveredtheawfulcrime,whichinheartIhadalreadycommitted,howdidyoutreatme?"

"Yourpurposewaswicked,butnotbase."

"Youhavenotintendedtobeeitherbaseorwicked,"shebegan.

"Hush!"heinterruptedsternly,"youshallnotpalliatemyweaknessbysmoothwords,andtoaman,weaknessandstupidity,insomecircumstances,aremorecontemptiblethancrime.Oh,howIenvyStanton!Hiscoursehasbeenstraightforwa

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