第30章

Sheseemedonthepointofsayingakindwordortwomore，when，seeingthebeadlecomingtowardme，shedrewback，asifshewasafraidofhim，andleftthechurchyard。

"Here’smysubscriptiontowardthefuneral，"saidthebeadle，givingmebackhisshillingfee。"Don’tsayanythingaboutit，foritmightn’tbeapprovedofinabusinesspointofview，ifitcametosomepeople’sears。Hasthelandlordsaidanythingmoretoyou？no，Ithoughtnot。He’stoopoliteamantogivemethetroubleofpullinghimup。Don’tstopcryinghere，mydear。Taketheadviceofamanfamiliarwithfunerals，andgohome。"

Itriedtotakehisadvice，butitseemedlikedesertingMarytogoawaywhenalltherestforsookher。

Iwaitedabouttilltheearthwasthrowninandthemanhadlefttheplace，thenIreturnedtothegrave。Oh，howbareandcruelitwas，withoutsomuchasabitofgreenturftosoftenit！Oh，howmuchharderitseemedtolivethantodie，whenIstoodalonelookingattheheavypiled—uplumpsofclay，andthinkingofwhatwashiddenbeneaththem！

Iwasdrivenhomebymyowndespairingthoughts。ThesightofSallylightingthefireinmyroomeasedmyheartalittle。Whenshewasgone，ItookupRobert’sletteragaintokeepmymindemployedontheonlysubjectintheworldthathasanyinterestforitnow。

ThisfreshreadingincreasedthedoubtsIhadalreadyfeltrelativetohishavingremainedinAmericaafterwritingtome。

Mygriefandforlornnesshavemadeastrangealterationinmyformerfeelingsabouthiscomingback。Iseemtohavelostallmyprudenceandself—denial，andtocaresolittleabouthispoverty，andsomuchabouthimself，thattheprospectofhisreturnisreallytheonlycomfortingthoughtIhavenowtosupportme。Iknowthisisweakinme，andthathiscomingbackcanleadtonogoodresultforeitherofus；butheistheonlylivingbeingleftmetolove；and——Ican’texplainit——butIwanttoputmyarmsroundhisneckandtellhimaboutMary。

March14th。Ilockeduptheendofthecravatinmywriting—desk。Nochangeinthedreadfulsuspicionsthatthebaresightofitrousesinme。ItrembleifIsomuchastouchit。

March15th，16th，17th。Work，work，work。IfIdon’tknockup，Ishallbeabletopaybacktheadvanceinanotherweek；andthen，withalittlemorepinchinginmydailyexpenses，ImaysucceedinsavingashillingortwotogetsometurftoputoverMary’sgrave，andperhapsevenafewflowersbesidestogrowroundit。

March18th。ThinkingofRobertalldaylong。Doesthismeanthatheisreallycomingback？Ifitdoes，reckoningthedistanceheisatfromNewYork，andthetimeshipstaketogettoEngland，ImightseehimbytheendofAprilorthebeginningofMay。

March19th。Idon’tremembermymindrunningonceontheendofthecravatyesterday，andIamcertainIneverlookedatit；yetIhadthestrangestdreamconcerningitatnight。Ithoughtitwaslengthenedintoalongclew，likethesilkenthreadthatledtoRosamond’sBower。IthoughtItookholdofit，andfolloweditalittleway，andthengotfrightenedandtriedtogoback，butfoundthatIwasobliged，inspiteofmyself，togoon。ItledmethroughaplaceliketheValleyoftheShadowofDeath，inanoldprintIrememberinmymother’scopyofthePilgrim’sProgress。I

seemedtobemonthsandmonthsfollowingitwithoutanyrespite，tillatlastitbroughtme，onasudden，facetofacewithanangelwhoseeyeswerelikeMary’s。Hesaidtome，"Goon，still；

thetruthisattheend，waitingforyoutofindit。"Iburstoutcrying，fortheangelhadMary’svoiceaswellasMary’seyes，andwokewithmyheartthrobbingandmycheeksallwet。Whatisthemeaningofthis？Isitalwayssuperstitious，Iwonder，tobelievethatdreamsmaycometrue？

*******

April30th。Ihavefoundit！Godknowstowhatresultsitmaylead；butitisascertainasthatIamsittingherebeforemyjournalthatIhavefoundthecravatfromwhichtheendinMary’shandwastorn。Idiscovereditlastnight；buttheflutterIwasin，andthenervousnessanduncertaintyIfelt，preventedmefromnotingdownthismostextraordinaryandunexpectedeventatthetimewhenithappened。LetmetryifIcanpreservethememoryofitinwritingnow。

IwasgoinghomeratherlatefromwhereIwork，whenIsuddenlyrememberedthatIhadforgottentobuymyselfanycandlestheeveningbefore，andthatIshouldbeleftinthedarkifIdidnotmanagetorectifythismistakeinsomeway。Theshopclosetome，atwhichIusuallydeal，wouldbeshutup，Iknew，beforeI

couldgettoit；soIdeterminedtogointothefirstplaceI

passedwherecandlesweresold。Thisturnedouttobeasmallshopwithtwocounters，whichdidbusinessononesideinthegeneralgroceryway，andontheotherintheragandbottleandoldironline。

TherewereseveralcustomersonthegrocerysidewhenIwentin，soIwaitedontheemptyragsidetillIcouldbeserved。

Glancingaboutmehereattheworthless—lookingthingsbywhichI

wassurrounded，myeyewascaughtbyabundleofragslyingonthecounter，asiftheyhadjustbeenbroughtinandleftthere。

Frommereidlecuriosity，Ilookedcloseattherags，andsawamongthemsomethinglikeanoldcravat。Itookitupdirectlyandhelditunderagaslight。Thepatternwasblurredlilaclinesrunningacrossandacrossthedingyblackgroundinatrellis—workform。Ilookedattheends：oneofthemwastornoff。

HowImanagedtohidethebreathlesssurpriseintowhichthisdiscoverythrewmeIcannotsay，butIcertainlycontrivedtosteadymyvoicesomehow，andtoaskformycandlescalmlywhenthemanandwomanservingintheshop，havingdisposedoftheirothercustomers，inquiredofmewhatIwanted。

Asthemantookdownthecandles，mybrainwasallinawhirlwithtryingtothinkhowIcouldgetpossessionoftheoldcravatwithoutexcitinganysuspicion。Chance，andalittlequicknessonmypartintakingadvantageofit，puttheobjectwithinmyreachinamoment。Theman，havingcountedoutthecandles，askedthewomanforsomepapertowrapthemin。Sheproducedapiecemuchtoosmallandflimsyforthepurpose，anddeclared，whenhecalledforsomethingbetter，thattheday’ssupplyofstoutpaperwasallexhausted。Heflewintoaragewithherformanagingsobadly。Justastheywerebeginningtoquarrelviolently，I

steppedbacktotherag—counter，tooktheoldcravatcarelesslyoutofthebundle，andsaid，inaslightatoneasIcouldpossiblyassume：

"Come，come，don’tletmycandlesbethecauseofhardwordsbetweenyou。Tiethisraggedoldthingroundthemwithabitofstring，andIshallcarrythemhomequitecomfortably。"

Themanseemeddisposedtoinsistonthestoutpaperbeingproduced；butthewoman，asifshewasgladofanopportunityofspitinghim，snatchedthecandlesaway，andtiedthemupinamomentinthetornoldcravat。Iwasafraidhewouldhavestruckherbeforemyface，heseemedinsuchafury；but，fortunately，anothercustomercamein，andobligedhimtoputhishandstopeaceableandproperuse。？

"Quiteabundleofall—sortsontheoppositecounterthere，"I

saidtothewoman，asIpaidherforthecandles。

"Yes，andallhoardedupforsalebyapoorcreaturewithalazybruteofahusband，wholetshiswifedoalltheworkwhilehespendsallthemoney，"answeredthewoman，withamaliciouslookatthemanbyherside。

"Hecan’tsurelyhavemuchmoneytospend，ifhiswifehasnobetterworktodothanpickinguprags，"saidI。

"Itisn’therfaultifshehasn’tgotnobetter，"saysthewoman，ratherangrily。"She’sreadytoturnherhandtoanything。

Charing，washing，laying—out，keepingemptyhouses——nothingcomesamisstoher。She’smyhalf—sister，andIthinkIoughttoknow。"

"Didyousayshewentoutcharing？"Iasked，makingbelieveasifIknewofsomebodywhomightemployher。

"Yes，ofcourseIdid，"answeredthewoman；"andifyoucanputajobintoherhands，you’llbedoingagoodturntoapoorhard—workingcreatureaswantsit。S

后续内容为VIP可读请开通VIP，或购买此章节