第29章

Asforherstep—mother，MarynotunnaturallyflewintoapassionthemomentIspokeofher。Shekeepsaneating—houseatHammersmith，andcouldhavegivenMarygoodemploymentinit；butsheseemsalwaystohavehatedher，andtohavemadeherlifesowretchedwithabuseandillusagethatshehadnorefugeleftbuttogoawayfromhome，anddoherbesttomakealivingforherself。Herhusband（Mary’sfather）appearstohavebehavedbadlytoher，and，afterhisdeath，shetookthewickedcourseofrevengingherselfonherstep—daughter。Ifelt，afterthis，thatitwasimpossibleMarycouldgoback，andthatitwasthehardnecessityofherposition，asitisofmine，thatsheshouldstruggleontomakeadecentlivelihoodwithoutassistancefromanyofherrelations。Iconfessedasmuchasthistoher；butI

addedthatIwouldtrytogetheremploymentwiththepersonsforwhomIwork，whopayhigherwages，andshowalittlemoreindulgencetothoseunderthemthanthepeopletowhomsheisnowobligedtolookforsupport。

IspokemuchmoreconfidentlythanIfeltaboutbeingabletodothis，andlefther，asIthought，inbetterspiritsthanusual。

Shepromisedtobebackto—nighttoteaatnineo’clock，andnowitisnearlyoneinthemorning，andsheisnothomeyet。IfitwasanyothergirlIshouldnotfeeluneasy，forIshouldmakeupmymindthattherewasextraworktobedoneinahurry，andthattheywerekeepingherlate，andIshouldgotobed。ButMaryissounfortunateineverythingthathappenstoher，andherownmelancholytalkaboutherselfkeepshangingonmymindso，thatI

havefearsonheraccountwhichwouldnotdistressmeaboutanyoneelse。Itseemsinexcusablysillytothinksuchathing，muchmoretowriteitdown；butIhaveakindofnervousdreaduponmethatsomeaccident——

Whatdoesthatloudknockingatthestreetdoormean？Andthosevoicesandheavyfootstepsoutside？Somelodgerwhohaslosthiskey，Isuppose。Andyet，myheart——WhatacowardIhavebecomeallofasudden！

Moreknockingandloudervoices。Imustruntothedoorandseewhatitis。Oh，Mary！Mary！IhopeIamnotgoingtohaveanotherfrightaboutyou，butIfeelsadlylikeit。

March8th。

March9th。

March10th。

March11th。Ohme！allthetroublesIhaveeverhadinmylifeareasnothingtothetroubleIaminnow。ForthreedaysIhavenotbeenabletowriteasinglelineinthisjournal，whichI

havekeptsoregularlyeversinceIwasagirl。ForthreedaysI

havenotoncethoughtofRobert——I，whoamalwaysthinkingofhimatothertimes。

Mypoor，dear，unhappyMary！theworstIfearedforyouonthatnightwhenIsatupalonewasfarbelowthedreadfulcalamitythathasreallyhappened。HowcanIwriteaboutit，withmyeyesfulloftearsandmyhandallofatremble？Idon’tevenknowwhyIamsittingdownatmydesknow，unlessitishabitthatkeepsmetomyoldevery—daytask，inspiteofallthegriefandfearwhichseemtounfitmeentirelyforperformingit。

Thepeopleofthehousewereasleepandlazyonthatdreadfulnight，andIwasthefirsttoopenthedoor。Never，nevercouldI

describeinwriting，orevensayinplaintalk，thoughitissomucheasier，whatIfeltwhenIsawtwopolicemencomein，carryingbetweenthemwhatseemedtometobeadeadgirl，andthatgirlMary！Icaughtholdofher，andgaveascreamthatmusthavealarmedthewholehouse；forfrightenedpeoplecamecrowdingdownstairsintheirnight—dresses。Therewasadreadfulconfusionandnoiseofloudtalking，butIheardnothingandsawnothingtillIhadgotherintomyroomandlaidonmybed。Istoopeddown，frantic—like，tokissher，andsawanawfulmarkofablowonthelefttemple，andfelt，atthesametime，afeebleflutterofherbreathonmycheek。Thediscoverythatshewasnotdeadseemedtogivemebackmysensesagain。Itoldoneofthepolicemenwherethenearestdoctorwastobefound，andsatdownbythebedsidewhilehewasgone，andbathedherpoorheadwithcoldwater。Sheneveropenedhereyes，ormoved，orspoke；butshebreathed，andthatwasenoughforme，becauseitwasenoughforlife。

Thepolicemanleftintheroomwasabig，thick—voiced，pompousman，withahorribleunfeelingpleasureinhearinghimselftalkbeforeanassemblyoffrightened，silentpeople。Hetoldushowhehadfoundher，asifhehadbeentellingastoryinatap—room，andbeganwithsaying："Idon’tthinktheyoungwomanwasdrunk。"

Drunk！MyMary，whomighthavebeenabornladyforallthespiritssheevertouched——drunk！Icouldhavestruckthemanforutteringtheword，withherlying——poorsufferingangel——sowhite，andstill，andhelplessbeforehim。Asitwas，Igavehimalook，buthewastoostupidtounderstandit，andwentdroningon，sayingthesamethingoverandoveragaininthesamewords。

Andyetthestoryofhowtheyfoundherwas，likeallthesadstoriesIhaveeverheardtoldinreallife，sovery，veryshort。

Theyhadjustseenherlyingalongonthecurbstoneafewstreetsoff，andhadtakenhertothestation—house。Thereshehadbeensearched，andoneofmycards，thatIgavetoladieswhopromisemeemployment，hadbeenfoundinherpocket，andsotheyhadbroughthertoourhouse。Thiswasallthemanreallyhadtotell。Therewasnobodynearherwhenshewasfound，andnoevidencetoshowhowtheblowonhertemplehadbeeninflicted。

Whatatimeitwasbeforethedoctorcame，andhowdreadfultohearhimsay，afterhehadlookedather，thathewasafraidallthemedicalmenintheworldcouldbeofnousehere！Hecouldnotgethertoswallowanything；andthemorehetriedtobringherbacktohersensesthelesschancethereseemedofhissucceeding。Heexaminedtheblowonhertemple，andsaidhethoughtshemusthavefallendowninafitofsomesort，andstruckherheadagainstthepavement，andsohavegivenherbrainwhathewasafraidwasafatalshake。Iaskedwhatwastobedoneifsheshowedanyreturntosenseinthenight。Hesaid："Sendformedirectly"；andstoppedforalittlewhileafterwardstrokingherheadgentlywithhishand，andwhisperingtohimself："Poorgirl，soyoungandsopretty！"Ihadfelt，someminutesbefore，asifIcouldhavestruckthepoliceman，andI

feltnowasifIcouldhavethrownmyarmsroundthedoctor’sneckandkissedhim。Ididputoutmyhandwhenhetookuphishat，andheshookitinthefriendliestway。"Don’thope，mydear，"hesaid，andwentout。

Therestofthelodgersfollowedhim，allsilentandshocked，excepttheinhumanwretchwhoownsthehouseandlivesinidlenessonthehighrentshewringsfrompoorpeoplelikeus。

"She’sthreeweeksinmydebt，"sayshe，withafrownandanoath。"Wherethedevilismymoneytocomefromnow？"Brute！

brute！

Ihadalongcryalonewithherthatseemedtoeasemyheartalittle。ShewasnottheleastchangedforthebetterwhenIhadwipedawaythetearsandcouldseeherclearlyagain。Itookupherrighthand，whichlaynearesttome。Itwastightclinched。I

triedtounclaspthefingers，andsucceededafteralittletime。

SomethingdarkfelloutofthepalmofherhandasIstraightenedit。

Ipickedthethingup，andsmootheditout，andsawthatitwasanendofaman’scravat。

Averyold，rotten，dingystripofblacksilk，withthinlilaclines，allblurredanddeadenedwithdirt，runningacrossandacrossthestuffinasortoftrellis—workpattern。Thesmallendofthecravatwashemmedintheusualway，buttheotherendwasalljagged，asifthemorseltheninmyhandshadbeentornoffviolentlyfromtherestofthestuff。AchillranallovermeasIlookedatit；forthatpoor，stained，crumpledendofacravatseemedtobesayingtome，asthoughithadbeeninplainwords：

"Ifshedies，shehascometoherdeathbyfoulmeans，andIamthewitnessofit。"

Ihadbeenfrightenedenoughbefore，lestsheshoulddiesuddenlyandquietlywithoutmyknowingit，whilewewerealonetogether；

butIgotintoaperfectagonynow，forfearthislastworstafflictionshouldtakemebysurprise。Idon’tsupposefiveminutespassedallthatwofulnightthroughwithoutmygettingupandputtingmycheekclosetohermouth，tofeelifthefaintbreathsstillflutteredoutofit。Theycameandwentjustthesameasatfirst，thoughthefrightIwasinoftenmademefancytheywerestilledforever。

JustasthechurchclockswerestrikingfourIwasstartledbyseeingtheroomdooropen。ItwasonlyDustySal（astheycallherinthehouse），themaid—of—all—work。Shewaswrappedupintheblan

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