第3章

Theladybroughtthepainterahandsomelittlefortuneofacoupleofhundredpounds。andaslongasthissumlastednowomancouldbemorelovelyorloving。Butwantbeganspeedilytoattacktheirlittlehousehold。bakers’billswereunpaid。rentwasdue，andtherecklesslandlordgavenoquarter。and，tocrownthewhole，herfather，unnaturalbutcher！suddenlystoppedthesuppliesofmutton-

chops。andsworethathisdaughter，andthedauber。herhusband，shouldhavenomoreofhiswares。Atfirsttheyembracedtenderly，and，kissingandcryingovertheirlittleinfant，vowedtoheaventhattheywoulddowithout：butinthecourseoftheeveningGriskinissagrewpeckish，andpoorSimonpawnedhisbestcoat。

Whenthishabitofpawningisdiscovered，itappearstothepoorakindofEldorado。Gambougeandhiswifeweresodelighted，thatthey，inthecourseofamonth，madeawaywithhergoldchain，hergreatwarming-pan，hisbestcrimsonplushinexpressibles，twowigs，awashhandbasinandewer，fire-irons，window-curtains，crockery，andarm-chairs。Griskinissasaid，smiling，thatshehadfoundasecondfatherinHERUNCLE，——abasepun，whichshowedthathermindwascorrupted，andthatshewasnolongerthetender，simpleGriskinissaofotherdays。

Iamsorrytosaythatshehadtakentodrinking。sheswallowedthewarming-paninthecourseofthreedays，andfuddledherselfonewholeeveningwiththecrimsonplushbreeches。

Drinkingisthedevil——thefather，thatistosay，ofallvices。

Griskinissa’sfaceandhermindgrewuglytogether。hergoodhumorchangedtobilious，bitterdiscontent。herpretty，fondepithets，tofoulabuseandswearing。hertenderblueeyesgrewwateryandblear，andthepeach-coloronhercheeksfledfromitsoldhabitation，andcrowdedupintohernose，where，withanumberofpimples，itstuckfast。Addtothisadirty，draggle-tailedchintz。long，mattedhair，wanderingintohereyes，andoverherleanshoulders，whichwereoncesosnowy，andyouhavethepictureofdrunkennessandMrs。SimonGambouge。

PoorSimon，whohadbeenagay，livelyfellowenoughinthedaysofhisbetterfortune，wascompletelycastdownbyhispresentillluck，andcowedbytheferocityofhiswife。Frommorningtillnighttheneighborscouldhearthiswoman’stongue，andunderstandherdoings。bellowswentskimmingacrosstheroom，chairswereflumpeddownonthefloor，andpoorGambouge’soilandvarnishpotswentclatteringthroughthewindows，ordownthestairs。Thebabyroaredallday。andSimonsatpaleandidleinacorner，takingasmallsupatthebrandy-bottle，whenMrs。Gambougewasoutoftheway。

Oneday，ashesatdisconsolatelyathiseasel，furbishingupapictureofhiswife，inthecharacterofPeace，whichhehadcommencedayearbefore，hewasmorethanordinarilydesperate，andcursedandsworeinthemostpatheticmanner。Omiserablefateofgenius！criedhe，wasI，amanofsuchcommandingtalents，bornforthis？tobebulliedbyafiendofawife。tohavemymasterpiecesneglectedbytheworld，orsoldonlyforafewpieces？

Cursedbethelovewhichhasmisledme。cursed，betheartwhichisunworthyofme！Letmedigorsteal，letmesellmyselfasasoldier，orsellmyselftotheDevil，IshouldnotbemorewretchedthanIamnow！

Quitethecontrary，criedasmall，cheeryvoice。

What！exclaimedGambouge，tremblingandsurprised。Who’sthere？——whereareyou？——whoareyou？

Youwerejustspeakingofme，saidthevoice。

Gambougeheld，inhislefthand，hispalette。inhisright，abladderofcrimsonlake，whichhewasabouttosqueezeoutuponthemahogany。Whereareyou？criedheagain。

S-q-u-e-e-z-e！exclaimedthelittlevoice。

Gambougepickedoutthenailfromthebladder，andgaveasqueeze。

when，assureasIamliving，alittleimpspurtedoutfromtheholeuponthepalette，andbeganlaughinginthemostsingularandoilymanner。

Whenfirstbornhewaslittlebiggerthanatadpole。thenhegrewtobeasbigasamouse。thenhearrivedatthesizeofacat。andthenhejumpedoffthepalette，and，turningheadoverheels，askedthepoorpainterwhathewantedwithhim。

Thestrangelittleanimaltwistedheadoverheels，andfixedhimselfatlastuponthetopofGambouge’seasel，——smearingout，withhisheels，allthewhiteandvermilionwhichhadjustbeenlaidontheallegoricportraitofMrs。Gambouge。

What！exclaimedSimon，isitthe——

Exactlyso。talkofme，youknow，andIamalwaysathand：

besides，IamnothalfsoblackasIampainted，asyouwillseewhenyouknowmealittlebetter。

Uponmyword，saidthepainter，itisaverysingularsurprisewhichyouhavegivenme。Totelltruth，Ididnotevenbelieveinyourexistence。

Thelittleimpputonatheatricalair，and，withoneofMr。

Macready’sbestlooks，said，——

Therearemorethingsinheavenandearth，Gambogio，Thanaredreamedofinyourphilosophy。

Gambouge，beingaFrenchman，didnotunderstandthequotation，butfeltsomehowstrangelyandsingularlyinterestedintheconversationofhisnewfriend。

Diaboluscontinued：Youareamanofmerit，andwantmoney。youwillstarveonyourmerit。youcanonlygetmoneyfromme。Come，myfriend，howmuchisit？Iasktheeasiestinterestintheworld：oldMordecai，theusurer，hasmadeyoupaytwiceasheavilybeforenow：nothingbutthesignatureofabond，whichisamereceremony，andthetransferofanarticlewhich，initself，isasupposition——avalueless，windy，uncertainpropertyofyours，called，bysomepoetofyourown，Ithink，ananimula，vagula，blandula——bah！thereisnousebeatingaboutthebush——ImeanA

SOUL。Come，letmehaveit。youknowyouwillsellitsomeotherway，andnotgetsuchgoodpayforyourbargain！——and，havingmadethisspeech，theDevilpulledoutfromhisfobasheetasbigasadoubleTimes，onlytherewasadifferentSTAMPinthecorner。

Itisuselessandtedioustodescribelawdocuments：lawyersonlylovetoreadthem。andtheyhaveasgoodinChittyasanythataretobefoundintheDevil’sown。sonoblyhavetheapprenticesemulatedtheskillofthemaster。Sufficeittosay，thatpoorGambougereadoverthepaper，andsignedit。Hewastohaveallhewishedforsevenyears，andattheendofthattimewastobecomethepropertyofthe。PROVIDEDthat，duringthecourseofthesevenyears，everysinglewishwhichhemightformshouldbegratifiedbytheotherofthecontractingparties。otherwisethedeedbecamenullandnon-avenue，andGambougeshouldbelefttogotothe——hisownway。

Youwillneverseemeagain，saidDiabolus，inshakinghandswithpoorSimon，onwhosefingersheleftsuchamarkasistobeseenatthisday——never，atleast，unlessyouwantme。foreverythingyouaskwillbeperformedinthemostquietandevery-daymanner：

believeme，itisbestandmostgentlemanlike，andavoidsanythinglikescandal。Butifyousetmeaboutanythingwhichisextraordinary，andoutofthecourseofnature，asitwere，comeI

must，youknow。andofthisyouarethebestjudge。Sosaying，Diabolusdisappeared。butwhetherupthechimney，throughthekeyhole，orbyanyotherapertureorcontrivance，nobodyknows。

SimonGambougewasleftinafeverofdelight，as，heavenforgiveme！Ibelievemanyaworthymanwouldbe，ifhewereallowedanopportunitytomakeasimilarbargain。

Heigho！saidSimon。Iwonderwhetherthisbearealityoradream——Iamsober，Iknow。forwhowillgivemecreditforthemeanstobedrunk？andasforsleeping，I’mtoohungryforthat。I

wishIcouldseeacaponandabottleofwhitewine。

MONSIEURSIMON！criedavoiceonthelanding-place。

C’estici，quothGambouge，hasteningtoopenthedoor。Hedidso。andlo！therewasarestaurateur’sboyatthedoor，supportingatray，atin-covereddish，andplatesonthesame。and，byitsside，atallamber-coloredflaskofSauterne。

Iamthenewboy，sir，exclaimedthisyouth，onentering。butI

believethisistherightdoor，andyouaskedforthesethings。

Simongrinned，andsaid，Certainly，IdidASKFORthesethings。

Butsuchwastheeffectwhichhisinterviewwiththedemonhadhadonhisinnocentmind，thathetookthem，althoughheknewthattheywereforoldSimon，theJewdandy，whowasmadafteranoperagirl，andlivedonthefloorbeneath。

Go，myboy，hesaid。itisgood：callinacoupleofhours，andremovetheplatesandglasses。

Thelittlewaitertrotteddownstairs，andSimonsatgreedilydowntodiscussthecaponandthewhitewine。Heboltedthelegs，hedevouredthewings，hecuteverymorseloffleshfromthebreast——

seasoninghisrepastwithpleasantdraughtsofwine，andcaringnothingfortheinevitablebill，whichwastofollowall。

Yegods！saidhe，ashescrapedawayatthebackbone，whatadinner！whatwine！——andhowgaylyserveduptoo！Thereweresilverforksandspoons，andtheremnantsofthefowlwereuponasilverdish。Why，themoneyforthisdishandthesespoons，

criedSimon，wouldkeepmeandMrs。G。foramonth！IWISH——andhereSimonwhistled，andturnedroundtoseethatnobodywaspeeping——Iwishtheplateweremine。

Oh，thehorridprogressoftheDevil！Heretheyare，thoughtSimontohimself。whyshouldnotITAKETHEM？Andtakethemhedid。Detection，saidhe，isnotsobadasstarvation。andI

wouldassoonliveatthegalleysaslivewithMadameGambouge。

SoGambougeshovelleddishandspoonsintotheflapofhissurtout，andrandownstairsasiftheDevilwerebehindhim——as，indeed，hewas。

Heimmediatelymadeforthehouseofhisoldfriendthepawnbroker——

thatestablishmentwhichiscalledinFrancetheMontdePiete。

Iamobligedtocometoyouagain，myoldfriend，saidSimon，withsomefamilyplate，ofwhichIbeseechyoutotakecare。

Thepawnbrokersmiledasheexaminedthegoods。Icangiveyounothinguponthem，saidhe。

What！criedSimon。noteventheworthofthesilver？

No。Icouldbuythematthatpriceatthe’CafeMorisot，’RuedelaVerrerie，where，Isuppose，yougotthemalittlecheaper。

And，sosaying，heshowedtotheguilt-strickenGambougehowthenameofthatcoffee-housewasinscribeduponeveryoneofthearticleswhichhehadwishedtopawn。

Theeffectsofconsciencearedreadfulindeed。Oh！howfearfulisretribution，howdeepisdespair，howbitterisremorseforcrime——

WHENCRIMEISFOUNDOUT！——otherwise，consciencetakesmattersmuchmoreeasily。Gambougecursedhisfate，andsworehenceforthtobevirtuous。

But，harkye，myfriend，continuedthehonestbroker，thereisnoreasonwhy，becauseIcannotlenduponthesethings，Ishouldnotbuythem：theywilldotomelt，iffornootherpurpose。Willyouhavehalfthemoney？——speak，orIpeach。

Simon’sresolvesaboutvirtueweredissipatedinstantaneously。

Givemehalf，hesaid，andletmego——Whatscoundrelsarethesepawnbrokers！ejaculatedhe，ashepassedoutoftheaccursedshop，seekingeverywickedpretexttorobthepoormanofhishard-wongain。

Whenhehadmarchedforwardsforastreetortwo，Gambougecountedthemoneywhichhehadreceived，andfoundthathewasinpossessionofnolessthanahundredfrancs。Itwasnight，ashereckonedouthisequivocalgains，andhecountedthematthelightofalamp。Helookedupatthelamp，indoubtastothecourseheshouldnextpursue：uponitwasinscribedthesimplenumber，152。A

gambling-house，thoughtGambouge。IwishIhadhalfthemoneythatisnowonthetable，upstairs。

Hemounted，asmanyaroguehasdonebeforehim，andfoundhalfahundredpersonsbusyatatableofrougeetnoir。Gambouge’sfivenapoleonslookedinsignificantbythesideoftheheapswhichwerearoundhim。buttheeffectsofthewine，ofthetheft，andofthedetectionbythepawnbroker，wereuponhim，andhethrewdownhiscapitalstoutlyuponthe00。

Itisadangerousspotthat00，ordoublezero。buttoSimonitwasmoreluckythantotherestoftheworld。Theballwentspinninground——initspredestinedcirclerolled，asShelleyhasit，afterGoethe——andplumpeddownatlastinthedoublezero。Onehundredandthirty-fivegoldnapoleons(louistheywerethen)werecountedouttothedelightedpainter。Oh，Diabolus！criedhe，nowitisthatIbegintobelieveinthee！Don’ttalkaboutmerit，hecried。talkaboutfortune。Tellmenotaboutheroesforthefuture——tellmeofZEROES。Anddownwenttwentynapoleonsmoreuponthe0。

TheDevilwascertainlyintheball：roundittwirled，anddroppedintozeroasnaturallyasaduckpopsitsheadintoapond。Ourfriendreceivedfivehundredpoundsforhisstake。andthecroupiersandlookers-onbegantostareathim。

Thereweretwelvethousandpoundsonthetable。Sufficeittosay，thatSimonwonhalf，andretiredfromthePalaisRoyalwithathickbundleofbank-notescrammedintohisdirtythree-corneredhat。Hehadbeenbuthalfanhourintheplace，andhehadwontherevenuesofaprinceforhalfayear！

Gambouge，assoonashefeltthathewasacapitalist，andthathehadastakeinthecountry，discoveredthathewasanalteredman。

Herepentedofhisfouldeed，andhisbasepurloiningoftherestaurateur’splate。Ohonesty！hecried，howunworthyisanactionlikethisofamanwhohasapropertylikemine！Sohewentbacktothepawnbrokerwiththegloomiestfaceimaginable。

Myfriend，saidhe，IhavesinnedagainstallthatIholdmostsacred：Ihaveforgottenmyfamilyandmyreligion。Hereisthymoney。Inthenameofheaven，restoremetheplatewhichIhavewrongfullysoldthee！

Butthepawnbrokergrinned，andsaid，Nay，Mr。Gambouge，Iwillsellthatplateforathousandfrancstoyou，orIneverwillsellitatall。

Well，criedGambouge，thouartaninexorableruffian，Troisboules。

butIwillgivetheeallIamworth。Andhereheproducedabilletoffivehundredfrancs。Look，saidhe，thismoneyisallIown。

itisthepaymentoftwoyears’lodging。Toraiseit，Ihavetoiledformanymonths。and，failing，Ihavebeenacriminal。Oheaven！

ISTOLEthatplatethatImightpaymydebt，andkeepmydearwifefromwanderinghouseless。ButIcannotbearthisloadofignominy——

Icannotsufferthethoughtofthiscrime。IwillgotothepersontowhomIdidwrong，Iwillstarve，Iwillconfess。butIwill，I

WILLdoright！

Thebrokerwasalarmed。Givemethynote，hecried。hereistheplate。

Givemeanacquittalfirst，criedSimon，almostbroken-hearted。

signmeapaper，andthemoneyisyours。SoTroisbouleswroteaccordingtoGambouge’sdictation。Received，forthirteenouncesofplate，twentypounds。

Monsterofiniquity！criedthepainter，fiendofwickedness！

thouartcaughtinthineownsnares。Hastthounotsoldmefivepounds’worthofplatefortwenty？HaveIitnotinmypocket？

Artthounotaconvicteddealerinstolengoods？Yield，scoundrel，yieldthymoney，orIwillbringtheetojustice！

Thefrightenedpawnbrokerbulliedandbattledforawhile。buthegaveuphismoneyatlast，andthedisputeended。ThusitwillbeseenthatDiabolushadratherahardbargaininthewilyGambouge。

Hehadtakenavictimprisoner，buthehadassuredlycaughtaTartar。Simonnowreturnedhome，and，todohimjustice，paidthebillforhisdinner，andrestoredtheplate。

AndnowImayadd(andthereadershouldponderuponthis，asaprofoundpictureofhumanlife)，thatGambouge，sincehehadgrownrich，grewlikewiseabundantlymoral。Hewasamostexemplaryfather。Hefedthepoor，andwaslovedbythem。Hescornedabaseaction。AndIhavenodoubtthatMr。Thurtell，orthelatelamentedMr。Greenacre，insimilarcircumstances，wouldhaveactedliketheworthySimonGambouge。

Therewasbutoneblotuponhischaracter——hehatedMrs。Gam。worsethanever。Ashegrewmorebenevolent，shegrewmorevirulent：

whenhewenttoplays，shewenttoBiblesocieties，andviceversa：

infact，sheledhimsuchalifeasXantippeledSocrates，orasadogleadsacatinthesamekitchen。Withallhisfortune——for，asmaybesupposed，Simonprosperedinallworldlythings——hewasthemostmiserabledoginthewholecityofParis。OnlyinthepointofdrinkingdidheandMrs。Simonagree。andformanyyears，andduringaconsiderablenumberofhoursineachday，hethusdissipated，partially，hisdomesticchagrin。Ophilosophy！wemaytalkofthee：but，exceptatthebottomofthewinecup，wherethouliestliketruthinawell，whereshallwefindthee？

Helivedsolong，andinhisworldlymattersprosperedsomuch，therewassolittlesignofdevilmentintheaccomplishmentofhiswishes，andtheincreaseofhisprosperity，thatSimon，attheendofsixyears，begantodoubtwhetherhehadmadeanysuchbargainatall，asthatwhichwehavedescribedatthecommencementofthishistory。Hehadgrown，aswesaid，verypiousandmoral。Hewentregularlytomass，andhadaconfessorintothebargain。Heresolved，therefore，toconsultthatreverendgentleman，andtolaybeforehimthewholematter。

Iaminclinedtothink，holysir，saidGambouge，afterhehadconcludedhishistory，andshownhow，insomemiraculousway，allhisdesireswereaccomplished，that，afterall，thisdemonwasnootherthanthecreationofmyownbrain，heatedbytheeffectsofthatbottleofwine，thecauseofmycrimeandmyprosperity。

Theconfessoragreedwithhim，andtheywalkedoutofchurchcomfortablytogether，andenteredafterwardsacafe，wheretheysatdowntorefreshthemselvesafterthefatiguesoftheirdevotion。

Arespectableoldgentleman，withanumberofordersathisbuttonhole，presentlyenteredtheroom，andsauntereduptothemarbletable，beforewhichreposedSimonandhisclericalfriend。

Excuseme，gentlemen，hesaid，ashetookaplaceoppositethem，andbeganreadingthepapersoftheday。

Bah！saidhe，atlast，——sont-ilsgrandscesjournauxAnglais？

Look，sir，hesaid，handingoveranimmensesheetofTheTimestoMr。Gambouge，waseveranythingsomonstrous？

Gambougesmiledpolitely，andexaminedtheprofferedpage。Itisenormoushesaid。butIdonotreadEnglish。

Nay，saidthemanwiththeorders，lookcloseratit，SignorGambouge。itisastonishinghoweasythelanguageis。

Wondering，Simontookasheetofpaper。Heturnedpaleashelookedatit，andbegantocursetheicesandthewaiter。Come，M。l’Abbe，hesaid。theheatandglareofthisplaceareintolerable。

Thestrangerrosewiththem。Auplaisirdevousrevoir，monchermonsieur，saidhe。IdonotmindspeakingbeforetheAbbehere，whowillbemyverygoodfriendoneofthesedays：butIthoughtitnecessarytorefreshyourmemory，concerningourlittlebusinesstransactionsixyearssince。andcouldnotexactlytalkofitAT

CHURCH，asyoumayfancy。

SimonGambougehadseen，inthedouble-sheetedTimes，thepapersignedbyhimself，whichthelittleDevilhadpulledoutofhisfob。

Therewasnodoubtonthesubject。andSimon，whohadbutayeartolive，grewmorepious，andmorecarefulthanever。HehadconsultationswithallthedoctorsoftheSorbonneandallthelawyersofthePalais。Buthismagnificencegrewaswearisometohimashispovertyhadbeenbefore。andnotoneofthedoctorswhomheconsultedcouldgivehimapennyworthofconsolation。

ThenhegrewoutrageousinhisdemandsupontheDevil，andputhimtoallsortsofabsurdandridiculoustasks。buttheywereallpunctuallyperformed，untilSimoncouldinventnonewones，andtheDevilsatalldaywithhishandsinhispocketsdoingnothing。

Oneday，Simon’sconfessorcameboundingintotheroom，withthegreatestglee。Myfriend，saidhe，Ihaveit！Eureka！——Ihavefoundit。SendthePopeahundredthousandcrowns，buildanewJesuitcollegeatRome，giveahundredgoldcandlestickstoSt。

Peter’s。andtellhisHolinessyouwilldoubleall，ifhewillgiveyouabsolution！

Gambougecaughtatthenotion，andhurriedoffacouriertoRomeventreaterre。HisHolinessagreedtotherequestofthepetition，andsenthimanabsolution，writtenoutwithhisownfist，andallindueform。

Now，saidhe，foulfiend，Idefyyou！arise，Diabolus！yourcontractisnotworthajot：thePopehasabsolvedme，andIamsafeontheroadtosalvation。Inafervorofgratitudeheclaspedthehandofhisconfessor，andembracedhim：tearsofjoyrandownthecheeksofthesegoodmen。

Theyheardaninordinateroaroflaughter，andtherewasDiabolussittingoppositetothem，holdinghissides，andlashinghistailabout，asifhewouldhavegonemadwithglee。

Why，saidhe，whatnonsenseisthis！doyousupposeIcareaboutTHAT？andhetossedthePope’smissiveintoacorner。M。l’Abbeknows，hesaid，bowingandgrinning，thatthoughthePope’spapermaypasscurrentHERE，itisnotworthtwopenceinourcountry。

WhatdoIcareaboutthePope’sabsolution？Youmightjustaswellbeabsolvedbyyourunderbutler。

Egad，saidtheAbbe，therogueisright——Iquiteforgotthefact，whichhepointsoutclearlyenough。

No，no，Gambouge，continuedDiabolus，withhorridfamiliarity。

gothyways，oldfellow，thatCOCKWON’TFIGHT。Andheretiredupthechimney，chucklingathiswitandhistriumph。Gambougeheardhistailscuttlingallthewayup，asifhehadbeenasweeperbyprofession。

Simonwasleftinthatconditionofgriefinwhich，accordingtothenewspapers，citiesandnationsarefoundwhenamurderiscommitted，oralordillofthegout——asituation，wesay，moreeasytoimaginethantodescribe。

Toaddtohiswoes，Mrs。Gambouge，whowasnowfirstmadeacquaintedwithhiscompact，anditsprobableconsequences，raisedsuchastormabouthisears，asmadehimwishalmostthathissevenyearswereexpired。Shescreamed，shescolded，sheswore，shewept，shewentintosuchfitsofhysterics，thatpoorGambouge，whohadcompletelyknockedundertoher，waswornoutofhislife。Hewasallowednorest，nightorday：hemopedabouthisfinehouse，solitaryandwretched，andcursedhisstarsthatheeverhadmarriedthebutcher’sdaughter。

Itwantedsixmonthsofthetime。

AsuddenanddesperateresolutionseemedallatoncetohavetakenpossessionofSimonGambouge。Hecalledhisfamilyandhisfriendstogether——hegaveoneofthegreatestfeaststhateverwasknowninthecityofParis——hegaylypresidedatoneendofhistable，whileMrs。Gam。，splendidlyarrayed，gaveherselfairsattheotherextremity。

Afterdinner，usingthecustomaryformula，hecalleduponDiabolustoappear。Theoldladiesscreamed，andhopedhewouldnotappearnaked。theyoungonestittered，andlongedtoseethemonster：

everybodywaspalewithexpectationandaffright。

Averyquiet，gentlemanlyman，neatlydressedinblack，madehisappearance，tothesurpriseofallpresent，andbowedallroundtothecompany。IwillnotshowmyCREDENTIALS，hesaid，blushing，andpointingtohishoofs，whichwerecleverlyhiddenbyhispumpsandshoe-buckles，unlesstheladiesabsolutelywishit。butIamthepersonyouwant，Mr。Gambouge。praytellmewhatisyourwill。

Youknow，saidthatgentleman，inastatelyanddeterminedvoice，thatyouareboundtome，accordingtoouragreement，forsixmonthstocome。

Iam，repliedthenewcomer。

YouaretodoallthatIask，whatsoeveritmaybe，oryouforfeitthebondwhichIgaveyou？

Itistrue。

Youdeclarethisbeforethepresentcompany？

Uponmyhonor，asagentleman，saidDiabolus，bowing，andlayinghishanduponhiswaistcoat。

Awhisperofapplauseranroundtheroom：allwerecharmedwiththeblandmannersofthefascinatingstranger。

Mylove，continuedGambouge，mildlyaddressinghislady，willyoubesopoliteastostepthisway？YouknowImustgosoon，andIamanxious，beforethisnoblecompany，tomakeaprovisionforonewho，insicknessasinhealth，inpovertyasinriches，hasbeenmytruestandfondestcompanion。

Gambougemoppedhiseyeswithhishandkerchief——allthecompanydidlikewise。Diabolussobbedaudibly，andMrs。Gambougesidleduptoherhusband’sside，andtookhimtenderlybythehand。Simon！

saidshe，isittrue？anddoyoureallyloveyourGriskinissa？

Simoncontinuedsolemnly：Comehither，Diabolus。youareboundtoobeymeinallthingsforthesixmonthsduringwhichourcontracthastorun。take，then，GriskinissaGambouge，livealonewithherforhalfayear，neverleaveherfrommorningtillnight，obeyallhercaprices，followallherwhims，andlistentoalltheabusewhichfallsfromherinfernaltongue。Dothis，andIasknomoreofyou。Iwilldelivermyselfupattheappointedtime。

NotLordG——，whenfloggedbylordB——，intheHouse，——notMr。

Cartlitch，ofAstley’sAmphitheatre，inhismostpatheticpassages，couldlookmorecrestfallen，andhowlmorehideously，thanDiabolusdidnow。Takeanotheryear，Gambouge，screamedhe。twomore——

tenmore——acentury。roastmeonLawrence’sgridiron，boilmeinholywater，butdon’taskthat：don’t，don’tbidmelivewithMrs。

Gambouge！

Simonsmiledsternly。Ihavesaidit，hecried。dothis，orourcontractisatanend。

TheDevil，atthis，grinnedsohorriblythateverydropofbeerinthehouseturnedsour：hegnashedhisteethsofrightfullythateverypersoninthecompanywellnighfaintedwiththecholic。Heslappeddownthegreatparchmentuponthefloor，trampleduponitmadly，andlasheditwithhishoofsandhistail：atlast，spreadingoutamightypairofwingsaswideasfromheretoRegentStreet，heslappedGambougewithhistailoveroneeye，andvanished，abruptly，throughthekeyhole。

Gambougescreamedwithpainandstartedup。Youdrunken，lazyscoundrel！criedashrillandwell-knownvoice，youhavebeenasleepthesetwohours：andherehereceivedanotherterrificboxontheear。

Itwastootrue，hehadfallenasleepathiswork。andthebeautifulvisionhadbeendispelledbythethumpsofthetipsyGriskinissa。Nothingremainedtocorroboratehisstory，exceptthebladderoflake，andthiswasspirtedalloverhiswaistcoatandbreeches。

Iwish，saidthepoorfellow，rubbinghistinglingcheeks，thatdreamsweretrue。andhewenttoworkagainathisportrait。

MylastaccountsofGambougeare，thathehasleftthearts，andisfootmaninasmallfamily。Mrs。Gam。takesinwashing。anditissaidthat，hercontinualdealingswithsoap-sudsandhotwaterhavebeentheonlythingsinlifewhichhavekeptherfromspontaneouscombustion。

CARTOUCHE。

IhavebeenmuchinterestedwithanaccountoftheexploitsofMonsieurLouisDominicCartouche，andasNewgateandthehighwaysaresomuchthefashionwithusinEngland，wemaybeallowedtolookabroadforhistoriesofasimilartendency。Itispleasanttofindthatvirtueiscosmopolite，andmayexistamongwooden-shoedPapistsaswellashonestChurch-of-Englandmen。

LouisDominicwasborninaquarterofPariscalledtheCourtille，saysthehistorianwhoseworkliesbeforeme——bornintheCourtille，andintheyear1693。Anotherbiographerassertsthathewasborntwoyearslater，andintheMarais——ofrespectableparents，ofcourse。Thinkofthetalentthatourtwocountriesproducedaboutthistime：Marlborough，Villars，Mandrin，Turpin，Boileau，Dryden，Swift，Addison，Moliere，Racine，JackSheppard，andLouisCartouche，——allfamouswithinthesametwentyyears，andfighting，writing，robbingal’envi！

Well，Marlboroughwasnochickenwhenhebegantoshowhisgenius。

Swiftwasbutadull，idle，collegelad。butifwereadthehistoriesofsomeothergreatmenmentionedintheabovelist——

Imeanthethieves，especially——weshallfindthattheyallcommencedveryearly：theyshowedapassionfortheirart，aslittleRaphaeldid，orlittleMozart。andthehistoryofCartouche’sknaveriesbeginsalmostwithhisbreeches。

Dominic’sparentssenthimtoschoolatthecollegeofClermont(nowLouisleGrand)。andalthoughithasneverbeendiscoveredthattheJesuits，whodirectedthatseminary，advancedhimmuchinclassicalortheologicalknowledge，Cartouche，inrevenge，showed，byrepeatedinstances，hisownnaturalbentandgenius，whichnodifficultieswerestrongenoughtoovercome。Hisfirstgreatactiononrecord，althoughnotsuccessfulintheend，andtincturedwiththeinnocenceofyouth，isyethighlycreditabletohim。Hemadeageneralswoopofahundredandtwentynightcapsbelongingtohiscompanions，anddisposedofthemtohissatisfaction。butasitwasdiscoveredthatofalltheyouthsinthecollegeofClermont，heonlywasthepossessorofacaptosleepin，suspicion(which，alas！wasconfirmed)immediatelyfelluponhim：andbythislittlepieceofyouthfulnaivete，ascheme，prettilyconceivedandsmartlyperformed，wasrenderednaught。

Cartouchehadawonderfulloveforgoodeating，andputalltheapple-womenandcooks，whocametosupplythestudents，undercontribution。Notalways，however，desirousofrobbingthese，heusedtodealwiththem，occasionally，onhonestprinciplesofbarter。thatis，wheneverhecouldgetholdofhisschoolfellows’

knives，books，rulers，orplaythings，whichheusedfairlytoexchangefortartsandgingerbread。

Itseemedasifthepresidinggeniusofevilwasdeterminedtopatronizethisyoungman。forbeforehehadbeenlongatcollege，andsoonafterhehad，withthegreatestdifficulty，escapedfromthenightcapscrape，anopportunityoccurredbywhichhewasenabledtogratifybothhispropensitiesatonce，andnotonlytosteal，buttostealsweetmeats。IthappenedthattheprincipalofthecollegereceivedsomepotsofNarbonnehoney，whichcameundertheeyesofCartouche，andinwhichthatyounggentleman，assoonaseverhesawthem，determinedtoputhisfingers。Thepresidentofthecollegeputasidehishoney-potsinanapartmentwithinhisown。towhich，exceptbytheonedoorwhichledintotheroomwhichhisreverenceusuallyoccupied，therewasnooutlet。Therewasnochimneyintheroom。andthewindowslookedintothecourt，wheretherewasaporteratnight，andwherecrowdspassedbyday。WhatwasCartouchetodo？——havethehoneyhemust。

Overthischamber，whichcontainedwhathissoullongedafter，andoverthepresident’srooms，thereranasetofunoccupiedgarrets，intowhichthedexterousCartouchepenetrated。Theseweredividedfromtheroomsbelow，accordingtothefashionofthosedays，byasetoflargebeams，whichreachedacrossthewholebuilding，andacrosswhichrudeplankswerelaid，whichformedtheceilingofthelowerstoryandtheflooroftheupper。SomeoftheseplanksdidyoungCartoucheremove。andhavingdescendedbymeansofarope，tiedacoupleofotherstotheneckofthehoney-pots，climbedbackagain，anddrewuphispreyinsafety。Hethencunninglyfixedtheplanksagainintheiroldplaces，andretiredtogorgehimselfuponhisbooty。And，now，seethepunishmentofavarice！EverybodyknowsthatthebrethrenoftheorderofJesusareboundbyavowtohavenomorethanacertainsmallsumofmoneyintheirpossession。

TheprincipalofthecollegeofClermonthadamassedalargersum，indefianceofthisrule：andwheredoyouthinktheoldgentlemanhadhiddenit？Inthehoney-pots！AsCartouchedughisspoonintooneofthem，hebroughtout，besidesaquantityofgoldenhoney，acoupleofgoldenlouis，which，withninety-eightmoreoftheirfellows，werecomfortablyhiddeninthepots。LittleDominic，who，before，hadcutratherapoorfigureamonghisfellow-students，nowappearedinasfineclothesasanyofthemcouldboastof。andwhenaskedbyhisparents，ongoinghome，howhecamebythem，saidthatayoungnoblemanofhisschoolfellowshadtakenaviolentfancytohim，andmadehimapresentofacoupleofhissuits。Cartouchetheelder，goodman，wenttothanktheyoungnobleman。butnonesuchcouldbefound，andyoungCartouchedisdainedtogiveanyexplanationofhismannerofgainingthemoney。

Here，again，wehavetoregretandremarktheinadvertenceofyouth。Cartouchelostahundredlouis——forwhat？Forapotofhoneynotworthacoupleofshillings。Hadhefishedoutthepieces，andreplacedthepotsandthehoney，hemighthavebeensafe，andarespectablecitizenallhislifeafter。Theprincipalwouldnothavedaredtoconfessthelossofhismoney，anddidnot，openly。buthevowedvengeanceagainstthestealerofhissweetmeat，andarigidsearchwasmade。Cartouche，asusual，wasfixedupon。andinthetickofhisbed，lo！therewerefoundacoupleofemptyhoney-pots！Fromthisscrapethereisnoknowinghowhewouldhaveescaped，hadnotthepresidenthimselfbeenalittleanxioustohushthematterup。andaccordingly，youngCartouchewasmadetodisgorgetheresidueofhisill-gottengoldpieces，oldCartouchemadeupthedeficiency，andhissonwasallowedtoremainunpunished——untilthenexttime。

This，youmayfancy，wasnotverylongincoming。andthoughhistoryhasnotmadeusacquaintedwiththeexactcrimewhichLouisDominicnextcommitted，itmusthavebeenaseriousone。forCartouche，whohadbornephilosophicallyallthewhippingsandpunishmentswhichwereadministeredtohimatcollege，didnotdaretofacethatonewhichhisindignantfatherhadinpickleforhim。

Ashewascominghomefromschool，onthefirstdayafterhiscrime，whenhereceivedpermissiontogoabroad，oneofhisbrothers，whowasonthelook-outforhim，methimatashortdistancefromhome，andtoldhimwhatwasinpreparation。whichsofrightenedthisyoungthief，thathedeclinedreturninghomealtogether，andsetoutuponthewideworldtoshiftforhimselfashecould。

Undoubtedashisgeniuswas，hehadnotarrivedatthefullexerciseofit，andhisgainswerebynomeansequaltohisappetite。Inwhateverprofessionshetried，——whetherhejoinedthegipsies，whichhedid，——whetherhepickedpocketsonthePontNeuf，whichoccupationhistoryattributestohim，——poorCartouchewasalwayshungry。Hungryandragged，hewanderedfromoneplaceandprofessiontoanother，andregrettedthehoney-potsatClermont，andthecomfortablesoupandbouilliathome。

Cartouchehadanuncle，akindman，whowasamerchant，andhaddealingsatRouen。Oneday，walkingonthequaysofthatcity，thisgentlemansawaverymiserable，dirty，starvinglad，whohadjustmadeapounceuponsomebonesandturnip-peelings，thathadbeenflungoutonthequay，andwaseatingthemasgreedilyasiftheyhadbeenturkeysandtruffles。Theworthymanexaminedtheladalittlecloser。Oheavens！itwastheirrunawayprodigal——itwaslittleLouisDominic！Themerchantwastouchedbyhiscase。

andforgettingthenightcaps，thehoney-pots，andtheragsanddirtoflittleLouis，tookhimtohisarms，andkissedandhuggedhimwiththetenderestaffection。Louiskissedandhuggedtoo，andblubberedagreatdeal：hewasveryrepentant，asamanofteniswhenheishungry。andhewenthomewithhisuncle，andhispeacewasmade。andhismothergothimnewclothes，andfilledhisbelly，andforawhileLouiswasasgoodasonasmightbe。

Butwhyattempttobalktheprogressofgenius？Louis’swasnottobekeptdown。Hewassixteenyearsofagebythistime——asmart，livelyyoungfellow，and，whatismore，desperatelyenamoredofalovelywasherwoman。Tobesuccessfulinyourlove，asLouisknew，youmusthavesomethingmorethanmereflamesandsentiment——awasher，oranyotherwoman，cannotliveuponsighsonly。butmusthavenewgownsandcaps，andanecklaceeverynowandthen，andafewhandkerchiefsandsilkstockings，andatreatintothecountryortotheplay。Now，howareallthesethingstobehadwithoutmoney？Cartouchesawatoncethatitwasimpossible。andashisfatherwouldgivehimnone，hewasobligedtolookforitelsewhere。Hetooktohisoldcourses，andliftedapursehere，andawatchthere。andfound，moreover，anaccommodatinggentleman，whotookthewaresoffhishands。

Thisgentlemanintroducedhimintoaveryselectandagreeablesociety，inwhichCartouche’smeritbeganspeedilytoberecognized，andinwhichhelearnthowpleasantitisinlifetohavefriendstoassistone，andhowmuchmaybedonebyaproperdivisionoflabor。M。Cartouche，infact，formedpartofaregularcompanyorgangofgentlemen，whowereassociatedtogetherforthepurposeofmakingwaronthepublicandthelaw。

Cartouchehadalovelyyoungsister，whowastobemarriedtoarichyounggentlemanfromtheprovinces。AsisthefashioninFrance，theparentshadarrangedthematchamongthemselves。andtheyoungpeoplehadnevermetuntiljustbeforethetimeappointedforthemarriage，whenthebridegroomcameuptoPariswithhistitle-deeds，andsettlements，andmoney。NowtherecanhardlybefoundinhistoryafinerinstanceofdevotionthanCartouchenowexhibited。Hewenttohiscaptain，explainedthemattertohim，andactually，forthegoodofhiscountry，asitwere(thethievesmightbecalledhiscountry)，sacrificedhissister’shusband’sproperty。Informationsweretaken，thehouseofthebridegroomwasreconnoitred，and，onenight，Cartouche，incompanywithsomechosenfriends，madehisfirstvisittothehouseofhisbrother-

in-law。Allthepeopleweregonetobed。and，doubtless，forfearofdisturbingtheporter，Cartoucheandhiscompanionssparedhimthetroubleofopeningthedoor，byascendingquietlyatthewindow。Theyarrivedattheroomwherethebridegroomkepthisgreatchest，andsetindustriouslytowork，filingandpickingthelockswhichdefendedthetreasure。

Thebridegroomsleptinthenextroom。buthowevertenderlyCartoucheandhisworkmenhandledtheirtools，fromfearofdisturbinghisslumbers，theirbenevolentdesignwasdisappointed，forawakenhimtheydid。andquietlyslippingoutofbed，hecametoaplacewherehehadacompleteviewofallthatwasgoingon。

Hedidnotcryout，orfrightenhimselfsillily。but，onthecontrary，contentedhimselfwithwatchingthecountenancesoftherobbers，sothathemightrecognizethemonanotheroccasion。and，thoughanavariciousman，hedidnotfeeltheslightestanxietyabouthismoney-chest。forthefactis，hehadremovedallthecashandpapersthedaybefore。

Assoon，however，astheyhadbrokenallthelocks，andfoundthenothingwhichlayatthebottomofthechest，heshoutedwithsuchaloudvoice，Here，Thomas！——John！——officer！——keepthegate，fireattherascals！thatthey，incontinentlytakingfright，skippednimblyoutofwindow，andleftthehousefree。

Cartouche，afterthis，didnotcaretomeethisbrother-in-law，buteschewedallthoseoccasionsonwhichthelatterwastobepresentathisfather’shouse。Theeveningbeforethemarriagecame。andthenhisfatherinsisteduponhisappearanceamongtheotherrelativesofthebride’sandbridegroom’sfamilies，whowerealltoassembleandmakemerry。Cartouchewasobligedtoyield。andbroughtwithhimoneortwoofhiscompanions，whohadbeen，bytheway，presentintheaffairoftheemptymoney-boxes。andthoughheneverfanciedthattherewasanydangerinmeetinghisbrother-in-

law，forhehadnoideathathehadbeenseenonthenightoftheattack，withanaturalmodesty，whichdidhimreallycredit，hekeptoutoftheyoungbridegroom’ssightasmuchashecould，andshowednodesiretobepresentedtohim。Atsupper，however，ashewassneakingmodestlydowntoaside-table，hisfathershoutedafterhim，Ho，Dominic，comehither，andsitoppositetoyourbrother-in-law：whichDominicdid，hisfriendsfollowing。Thebridegroompledgedhimverygracefullyinabumper。andwasintheactofmakinghimaprettyspeech，onthehonorofanalliancewithsuchafamily，andonthepleasuresofbrother-in-lawshipingeneral，when，lookinginhisface——yegods！hesawtheverymanwhohadbeenfilingathismoney-chestafewnightsago！Byhisside，too，satacouplemoreofthegang。Thepoorfellowturneddeadlypaleandsick，and，settinghisglassdown，ranquicklyoutoftheroom，forhethoughthewasincompanyofawholegangofrobbers。Andwhenhegothome，hewrotealettertotheelderCartouche，humblydeclininganyconnectionwithhisfamily。

Cartouchetheelder，ofcourse，angrilyaskedthereasonofsuchanabruptdissolutionoftheengagement。andthen，muchtohishorror，heardofhiseldestson’sdoings。Youwouldnothavememarryintosuchafamily？saidtheex-bridegroom。AndoldCartouche，anhonestoldcitizen，confessed，withaheavyheart，thathewouldnot。Whatwashetodowiththelad？Hedidnotliketoaskforalettredecachet，andshuthimupintheBastile。Hedeterminedtogivehimayear’sdisciplineatthemonasteryofSt。Lazare。

Buthowtocatchtheyounggentleman？OldCartoucheknewthat，werehetotellhissonofthescheme，thelatterwouldneverobey，and，therefore，hedeterminedtobeverycunning。HetoldDominicthathewasabouttomakeaheavybargainwiththefathers，andshouldrequireawitness。sotheysteppedintoacarriagetogether，anddroveunsuspectinglytotheRueSt。Denis。But，whentheyarrivedneartheconvent，Cartouchesawseveralominousfiguresgatheringroundthecoach，andfeltthathisdoomwassealed。

However，hemadeasifheknewnothingoftheconspiracy。andthecarriagedrewup，andhisfather，descended，and，biddinghimwaitforaminuteinthecoach，promisedtoreturntohim。Cartouchelookedout。ontheothersideofthewayhalfadozenmenwereposted，evidentlywiththeintentionofarrestinghim。

Cartouchenowperformedagreatandcelebratedstrokeofgenius，which，ifhehadnotbeenprofessionallyemployedinthemorning，henevercouldhaveexecuted。Hehadinhispocketapieceoflinen，whichhehadlaidholdofatthedoorofsomeshop，andfromwhichhequicklytorethreesuitablestripes。Onehetiedroundhishead，afterthefashionofanightcap。asecondroundhiswaist，likeanapron。andwiththethirdhecoveredhishat，aroundone，withalargebrim。Hiscoatandhisperiwiglieleftbehindhiminthecarriage。andwhenhesteppedoutfromit(whichhedidwithoutaskingthecoachmantoletdownthesteps)，heboreexactlytheappearanceofacook’sboycarryingadish。andwiththisheslippedthroughtheexemptsquiteunsuspected，andbadeadieutotheLazaristsandhishonestfather，whocameoutspeedilytoseekhim，andwasnotalittleannoyedtofindonlyhiscoatandwig。

Withthatcoatandwig，Cartouchelefthome，father，friends，conscience，remorse，society，behindhim。Hediscovered(likeagreatnumberofotherphilosophersandpoets，whentheyhavecommittedrascallyactions)thattheworldwasallgoingwrong，andhequarrelledwithitoutright。OneofthefirststoriestoldoftheillustriousCartouche，whenhebecameprofessionallyandopenlyarobber，redoundshighlytohiscredit，andshowsthatheknewhowtotakeadvantageoftheoccasion，andhowmuchhehadimprovedinthecourseofaveryfewyears’experience。Hiscourageandingenuitywerevastlyadmiredbyhisfriends。somuchso，that，oneday，thecaptainofthebandthoughtfittocomplimenthim，andvowedthatwhenhe(thecaptain)died，Cartoucheshouldinfalliblybecalledtothecommand-in-chief。Thisconversation，soflatteringtoCartouche，wascarriedonbetweenthetwogentlemen，astheywerewalking，onenight，onthequaysbythesideoftheSeine。Cartouche，whenthecaptainmadethelastremark，blushinglyprotestedagainstit，andpleadedhisextremeyouthasareasonwhyhiscomradescouldneverputentiretrustinhim。

Psha，man！saidthecaptain，thyyouthisinthyfavor。thouwiltliveonlythelongertoleadthytroopstovictory。Asforstrength，bravery，andcunning，wertthouasoldasMethuselah，thoucouldstnotbebetterprovidedthanthouartnow，ateighteen。WhatwasthereplyofMonsieurCartouche？Heanswered，notbywords，butbyactions。Drawinghisknifefromhisgirdle，heinstantlydugitintothecaptain’sleftside，asnearhisheartaspossible。andthen，seizingthatimprudentcommander，precipitatedhimviolentlyintothewatersoftheSeine，tokeepcompanywiththegudgeonsandriver-gods。Whenhereturnedtotheband，andrecountedhowthecaptainhadbaselyattemptedtoassassinatehim，andhowhe，onthecontrary，had，byexertionofsuperiorskill，overcomethecaptain，notoneofthesocietybelievedawordofhishistory。buttheyelectedhimcaptainforthwith。IthinkhisExcellencyDonRafaelMaroto，thepacificatorofSpain，isanamiablecharacter，forwhomhistoryhasnotbeenwritteninvain。

Beingarrivedatthisexaltedposition，thereisnoendofthefeatswhichCartoucheperformed。andhisbandreachedtosuchapitchofglory，thatiftherehadbeenahundredthousand，insteadofahundredofthem，whoknowsbutthatanewandpopulardynastymightnothavebeenfounded，andLouisDominic，premierEmpereurdesFrancais，mighthaveperformedinnumerablegloriousactions，andfixedhimselfintheheartsofhispeople，justasothermonarchshavedone，ahundredyearsafterCartouche’sdeath。

Astorysimilartotheabove，andequallymoral，isthatofCartouche，who，incompanywithtwoothergentlemen，robbedthecoche，orpacket-boat，fromMelun，wheretheytookagoodquantityofbooty，——makingthepassengersliedownonthedecks，andriflingthematleisure。Thismoneywillbebutverylittleamongthree，

whisperedCartouchetohisneighbor，asthethreeconquerorsweremakingmerryovertheirgains。ifyouwerebuttopullthetriggerofyourpistolintheneighborhoodofyourcomrade’sear，perhapsitmightgooff，andthentherewouldbebuttwoofustoshare。

Strangelyenough，asCartouchesaid，thepistolDIDgooff，andNo。

3perished。Givehimanotherball，saidCartouche。andanotherwasfiredintohim。ButnosoonerhadCartouche’scomradedischargedbothhispistols，thanCartouchehimself，seizedwithafuriousindignation，drewhis：Learn，monster，criedhe，nottobesogreedyofgold，andperish，thevictimofthydisloyaltyandavarice！SoCartoucheslewthesecondrobber。andthereisnomaninEuropewhocansaythatthelatterdidnotmeritwellhispunishment。

Icouldfillvolumes，andnotmeresheetsofpaper，withtalesofthetriumphsofCartoucheandhisband。howherobbedtheCountessofO——，goingtoDijon，inhercoach，andhowtheCountessfellinlovewithhim，andwasfaithfultohimeverafter。how，whenthelieutenantofpoliceofferedarewardofahundredpistolestoanymanwhowouldbringCartouchebeforehim，anobleMarquess，inacoachandsix，droveuptothehotelofthepolice。andthenobleMarquess，desiringtoseeMonsieurdelaReynie，onmattersofthehighestmoment，alone，thelatterintroducedhimintohisprivatecabinet。andhow，whenthere，theMarquessdrewfromhispocketalong，curiouslyshapeddagger：Lookatthis，MonsieurdelaReynie，saidhe。thisdaggerispoisoned！

Isitpossible？saidM。delaReynie。

Aprickofitwoulddoforanyman，saidtheMarquess。

Youdon’tsayso！saidM。delaReynie。

Ido，though。and，whatismore，saystheMarquess，inaterriblevoice，ifyoudonotinstantlylayyourselfflatontheground，withyourfacetowardsit，andyourhandscrossedoveryourback，orifyoumaketheslightestnoiseorcry，Iwillstickthispoisoneddaggerbetweenyourribs，assureasmynameisCartouche？

Atthesoundofthisdreadfulname，M。delaReyniesunkincontinentlydownonhisstomach，andsubmittedtobecarefullygaggedandcorded。afterwhichMonsieurCartouchelaidhishandsuponallthemoneywhichwaskeptinthelieutenant’scabinet。

Alas！andalas！manyastoutbailiff，andmanyanhonestfellowofaspy，went，forthatday，withouthispayandhisvictuals。

ThereisastorythatCartoucheoncetookthediligencetoLille，andfoundinitacertainAbbePotter，whowasfullofindignationagainstthismonsterofaCartouche，andsaidthatwhenhewentbacktoParis，whichheproposedtodoinaboutafortnight，heshouldgivethelieutenantofpolicesomeinformation，whichwouldinfalliblyleadtothescoundrel’scapture。ButpoorPotterwasdisappointedinhisdesigns。for，beforehecouldfulfilthem，hewasmadethevictimofCartouche’scruelty。

Alettercametothelieutenantofpolice，tostatethatCartouchehadtravelledtoLille，incompanywiththeAbbedePotter，ofthattown。that，onthereverendgentleman’sreturntowardsParis，Cartouchehadwaylaidhim，murderedhim，takenhispapers，andwouldcometoParishimself，bearingthenameandclothesoftheunfortunateAbbe，bytheLillecoach，onsuchaday。TheLillecoacharrived，wassurroundedbypoliceagents。themonsterCartouchewasthere，sureenough，intheAbbe’sguise。Hewasseized，bound，flungintoprison，broughtouttobeexamined，and，onexamination，foundtobenootherthantheAbbePotterhimself！

Itispleasanttoreadthusoftherelaxationsofgreatmen，andfindthemcondescendingtojokelikethemeanestofus。

AnotherdiligenceadventureisrecountedofthefamousCartouche。

Ithappenedthathemet，inthecoach，ayoungandlovelylady，cladinwidow’sweeds，andboundtoParis，withacoupleofservants。ThepoorthingwasthewidowofaricholdgentlemanofMarseilles，andwasgoingtothecapitaltoarrangewithherlawyers，andtosettleherhusband’swill。TheCountdeGrinche(forsoherfellow-passengerwascalled)wasquiteascandidastheprettywidowhadbeen，andstatedthathewasacaptainintheregimentofNivernois。thathewasgoingtoParistobuyacolonelcy，whichhisrelatives，theDukedeBouillon，thePrincedeMontmorency，theCommandeurdelaTremoille，withalltheirinterestatcourt，couldnotfailtoprocureforhim。Tobeshort，inthecourseofthefourdays’journey，theCountLouisDominicdeGrincheplayedhiscardssowell，thatthepoorlittlewidowhalfforgotherlatehusband。andhereyesglistenedwithtearsastheCountkissedherhandatparting——atparting，hehoped，onlyforafewhours。

DayandnighttheinsinuatingCountfollowedher。andwhen，attheendofafortnight，andinthemidstofatete-a-tete，heplunged，onemorning，suddenlyonhisknees，andsaid，Leonora，doyouloveme？thepoorthingheavedthegentlest，tenderest，sweetestsighintheworld。andsinkingherblushingheadonhisshoulder，whispered，Oh，Dominic，jet’aime！Ah！saidshe，hownobleisitofmyDominictotakemewiththelittleIhave，andhesorichanobleman！Thefactis，theoldBaron’stitlesandestateshadpassedawaytohisnephews。hisdowagerwasonlyleftwiththreehundredthousandlivres，inrentessurl’etat——ahandsomesum，butnothingtocomparetotherent-rollofCountDominic，CountdelaGrinche，SeigneurdelaHautePigre，BarondelaBigorne。hehadestatesandwealthwhichmightauthorizehimtoaspiretothehandofaduchess，atleast。

Theunfortunatewidowneverforamomentsuspectedthecrueltrickthatwasabouttobeplayedonher。and，attherequestofheraffiancedhusband，soldouthermoney，andrealizeditingold，tobemadeovertohimonthedaywhenthecontractwastobesigned。

Thedayarrived。and，accordingtothecustominFrance，therelationsofbothpartiesattended。Thewidow’srelatives，thoughrespectable，werenotofthefirstnobility，beingchieflypersonsofthefinanceortherobe：therewasthepresidentofthecourtofArras，andhislady。afarmer-general。ajudgeofacourtofParis。

andothersuchgraveandrespectablepeople。AsforMonsieurleComtedelaGrinche，hewasnotboundfornames。and，havingthewholepeeragetochoosefrom，broughtahostofMontmorencies，Crequis，DelaTours，andGuisesathisback。Hishommed’affairesbroughthispapersinasack，anddisplayedtheplansofhisestates，andthetitlesofhisgloriousancestry。Thewidow’slawyershadhermoneyinsacks。andbetweenthegoldontheoneside，andtheparchmentsontheother，laythecontractwhichwastomakethewidow’sthreehundredthousandfrancsthepropertyoftheCountdeGrinche。TheCountdelaGrinchewasjustabouttosign。whentheMarshaldeVillars，steppinguptohim，said，Captain，doyouknowwhothepresidentofthecourtofArras，yonder，is？ItisoldManasseh，thefence，ofBrussels。Ipawnedagoldwatchtohim，whichIstolefromCadogan，whenIwaswithMalbrook’sarmyinFlanders。

HeretheDucdelaRocheGuyoncameforward，verymuchalarmed。

Runmethroughthebody！saidhisGrace，butthecomptroller-

general’slady，there，isnootherthanthatoldhagofaMargotonwhokeepsthe——HeretheDucdelaRocheGuyon’svoicefell。

Cartouchesmiledgraciously，andwalkeduptothetable。Hetookuponeofthewidow’sfifteenthousandgoldpieces——itwasasprettyabitofcopperasyoucouldwishtosee。Mydear，saidhepolitely，thereissomemistakehere，andthisbusinesshadbetterstop。

Count！gaspedthepoorwidow。

Countbehanged！answeredthebridegroom，sternlymynameisCARTOUCHE！

ONSOMEFRENCHFASHIONABLENOVELS。

WITHAPLEAFORROMANCESINGENERAL。

ThereisanoldstoryofaSpanishcourtpainter，who，beingpressedformoney，andhavingreceivedapieceofdamask，whichhewastowearinastateprocession，pawnedthedamask，andappeared，attheshow，dressedoutinsomeveryfinesheetsofpaper，whichhehadpaintedsoasexactlytoresemblesilk。Nay，hiscoatlookedsomuchricherthanthedoubletsofalltherest，thattheEmperorCharles，inwhosehonortheprocessionwasgiven，remarkedthepainter，andsohisdeceitwasfoundout。

Ihaveoftenthoughtthat，inrespectofshamandrealhistories，asimilarfactmaybenoticed。theshamstoryappearingagreatdealmoreagreeable，life-like，andnaturalthanthetrueone：andallwho，fromlazinessaswellasprinciple，areinclinedtofollowtheeasyandcomfortablestudyofnovels，mayconsolethemselveswiththenotionthattheyarestudyingmattersquiteasimportantashistory，andthattheirfavoriteduodecimosareasinstructiveasthebiggestquartosintheworld。

Ifthen，ladies，thebig-wigsbegintosneeratthecourseofourstudies，callingourdarlingromancesfoolish，trivial，noxioustothemind，enervatorsofintellect，fathersofidleness，andwhatnot，letusatoncetakeahighground，andsay，——Goyoutoyourownemployments，andtosuchdullstudiesasyoufancy。goandbobfortriangles，fromthePonsAsinorum。goenjoyyourdullblackdraughtsofmetaphysics。gofumbleoverhistorybooks，anddissertuponHerodotusandLivy。OURhistoriesare，perhaps，astrueasyours。ourdrinkisthebrisksparklingchampagnedrink，fromthepressesofColburn，BentleyandCo……ourwalksareoversuchsunshinypleasure-groundsasScottandShakspearehavelaidoutforus。andifourdwellingsarecastlesintheair，wefindthemexcessivelysplendidandcommodious——benotyouenviousbecauseyouhavenowingstoflythither。Letthebig-wigsdespiseus。

suchcontemptoftheirneighborsisthecustomofallbarbaroustribes——witness，thelearnedChinese：TippooSultaundeclaredthattherewerenotinallEuropetenthousandmen：theSklavonichordes，itissaid，soentitledthemselvesfromawordintheirjargon，whichsignifiestospeak。theruffiansimaginingthattheyhadamonopolyofthisagreeablefaculty，andthatallothernationsweredumb。

Notso：othersmaybeDEAF。butthenovelisthasaloud，eloquent，instructivelanguage，thoughhisenemiesmaydespiseordenyiteversomuch。Whatismore，onecould，perhaps，meetthestoutesthistorianonhisownground，andarguewithhim。showingthatshamhistoriesweremuchtruerthanrealhistories。whichare，infact，merecontemptiblecataloguesofnamesandplaces，thatcanhavenomoraleffectuponthereader。

Asthus：——

JuliusCaesarbeatPompey，atPharsalia。

TheDukeofMarlboroughbeatMarshalTallardatBlenheim。

TheConstableofBourbonbeatFrancistheFirst，atPavia。

Andwhathavewehere？——somanynames，simply。SupposePharsaliahadbeen，atthatmysteriousperiodwhennamesweregiven，calledPavia。andthatJuliusCaesar’sfamilynamehadbeenJohnChurchill——thefactwouldhavestoodinhistory，thus：——

PompeyranawayfromtheDukeofMarlboroughatPavia。

Andwhynot？——weshouldhavebeenjustaswise。Oritmightbestatedthat——

ThetenthlegionchargedtheFrenchinfantryatBlenheim。andCaesar，writinghometohismamma，said，’Madame，toutestperduforsl’honneur。’

Whatacontemptiblesciencethisis，then，aboutwhichquartosarewritten，andsixty-volumedBiographiesUniverselles，andLardner’sCabinetCyclopaedias，andthelike！thefactsarenothinginit，thenameseverythingandagentlemanmightaswellimprovehismindbylearningWalker’sGazetteer，orgettingbyheartafifty-years-

oldeditionoftheCourtGuide。

Havingthusdisposedofthehistorians，letuscometothepointinquestion——thenovelists。

Onthetitle-pageofthesevolumesthereaderhas，doubtless，remarked，thatamongthepiecesintroduced，someareannouncedascopiesandcompositions。Manyofthehistorieshave，accordingly，beenneatlystolenfromthecollectionsofFrenchauthors(andmutilated，accordingtotheoldsaying，sothattheirownersshouldnotknowthem)and，forcompositions，weintendtofavorthepublicwithsomestudiesofFrenchmodernworks，thathavenotasyet，webelieve，attractedthenoticeoftheEnglishpublic。

Ofsuchworksthereappearmanyhundredsyearly，asmaybeseenbytheFrenchcatalogues。butthewriterhasnotsomuchtodowithworkspolitical，philosophical，historical，metaphysical，scientifical，theological，aswiththoseforwhichhehasbeenputtingforwardaplea——novels，namely。onwhichhehasexpendedagreatdealoftimeandstudy。AndpassingfromnovelsingeneraltoFrenchnovels，letusconfess，withmuchhumiliation，thatweborrowfromthesestoriesagreatdealmoreknowledgeofFrenchsocietythanfromourownpersonalobservationweevercanhopetogain：for，letagentlemanwhohasdwelttwo，four，ortenyearsinParis(andhasnotgonethitherforthepurposeofmakingabook，whenthreeweeksaresufficient——letanEnglishgentlemansay，attheendofanygivenperiod，howmuchheknowsofFrenchsociety，howmanyFrenchhouseshehasentered，andhowmanyFrenchfriendshehasmade？——Hehasenjoyed，attheendoftheyear，say——

AttheEnglishAmbassador’s，somanysoirees。

Athousestowhichhehasbroughtletters，somanytea-parties。

AtCafes，somanydinners。

AtFrenchprivatehouses，saythreedinners，andveryluckytoo。

Hehas，wesay，seenanimmensenumberofwaxcandles，cupsoftea，glassesoforgeat，andFrenchpeople，inbestclothes，enjoyingthesame。butintimacythereisnone。weseebuttheoutsidesofthepeople。YearbyyearweliveinFrance，andgrowgray，andseenomore。WeplayecartewithMonsieurdeTrefleeverynight。butwhatknowweoftheheartoftheman——oftheinwardways，thoughts，andcustomsofTrefle？Ifwehavegoodlegs，andlovetheamusement，wedancewithCountessFlicflac，Tuesday’sandThursdays，eversincethePeace。andhowfarareweadvancedinacquaintancewithhersincewefirsttwirledherroundaroom？Weknowhervelvetgown，andherdiamonds(aboutthree-fourthsofthemaresham，bytheway)。weknowhersmiles，andhersimpers，andherrouge——butnomore：shemayturnintoakitchenwenchattwelveonThursdaynight，foraughtweknow。hervoiture，apumpkin。andhergens，somanyrats：butthereal，rougeless，intimeFlicflac，weknownot。

ThisprivilegeisgrantedtonoEnglishman：wemayunderstandtheFrenchlanguageaswellasMonsieurdeLevizac，butnevercanpenetrateintoFlicflac’sconfidence：ourwaysarenotherways。

ourmannersofthinking，nothers：whenwesayagoodthing，inthecourseofthenight，wearewondrousluckyandpleased。Flicflacwilltrillyouofffiftyintenminutes，andwonderatthebetiseoftheBriton，whohasneverawordtosay。Wearemarried，andhavefourteenchildren，andwouldjustassoonmakelovetothePopeofRomeastoanyonebutourownwife。IfyoudonotmakelovetoFlicflac，fromthedayafterhermarriagetothedayshereachessixty，shethinksyouafool。Wewon’tplayatecartewithTrefleonSundaynights。andareseenwalking，aboutoneo’clock(accompaniedbyfourteenred-hairedchildren，withfourteengleamingprayer-books)，awayfromthechurch。GrandDieu！criesTrefle，isthatmanmad？Hewon’tplayatcardsonaSunday。hegoestochurchonaSunday：hehasfourteenchildren！

WaseverFrenchmanknowntodolikewise？Passweontoourargument，whichis，thatwithourEnglishnotionsandmoralandphysicalconstitution，itisquiteimpossiblethatweshouldbecomeintimatewithourbriskneighbors。andwhensuchauthorsasLadyMorganandMrs。Trollope，havingfrequentedacertainnumberoftea-partiesintheFrenchcapital，begintoprattleaboutFrenchmannersandmen，——withallrespectforthetalentsofthoseladies，wedobelievetheirinformationnottobeworthasixpence。theyspeaktousnotofmenbutoftea-parties。Tea-partiesarethesamealltheworldover。withtheexceptionthat，withtheFrench，therearemorelightsandprettierdresses。andwithus，amightydealmoreteainthepot。

Thereis，however，acheapanddelightfulwayoftravelling，thatamanmayperforminhiseasy-chair，withoutexpenseofpassportsorpost-boys。Onthewingsofanovel，fromthenextcirculatinglibrary，hesendshisimaginationa-gadding，andgainsacquaintancewithpeopleandmannerswhomhecouldnothopeotherwisetoknow。

Twopenceavolumebearsuswhithersoeverwewill——backtoIvanhoeandCoeurdeLion，ortoWaverleyandtheYoungPretender，alongwithWalterScott。uptheheightsoffashionwiththecharmingenchantersofthesilver-forkschool。or，betterstill，tothesnuginn-parlor，orthejovialtap-room，withMr。PickwickandhisfaithfulSanchoWeller。Iamsurethatamanwho，ahundredyearshenceshouldsitdowntowritethehistoryofourtime，woulddowrongtoputthatgreatcontemporaryhistoryofPickwickasideasafrivolouswork。Itcontainstruecharacterunderfalsenames。

and，likeRoderickRandom，aninferiorwork，andTomJones(onethatisimmeasurablysuperior)，givesusabetterideaofthestateandwaysofthepeoplethanonecouldgatherfromanymorepompousorauthentichistories。

Wehave，therefore，introducedintothesevolumesoneortwoshortreviewsofFrenchfictionwriters，ofparticularclasses，whoseParissketchesmaygivethereadersomenotionofmannersinthatcapital。Ifnotoriginal，atleastthedrawingsareaccurate。for，asaFrenchmanmighthavelivedathousandyearsinEngland，andnevercouldhavewrittenPickwick，anEnglishmancannothopetogiveagooddescriptionoftheinwardthoughtsandwaysofhisneighbors。

Toapersoninclinedtostudythese，inthatlightandamusingfashioninwhichthenovelisttreatsthem，letusrecommendtheworksofanewwriter，MonsieurdeBernard，whohaspaintedactualmanners，withoutthosemonstrousandterribleexaggerationsinwhichlateFrenchwritershaveindulged。andwho，ifheoccasionallywoundstheEnglishsenseofpropriety(aswhatFrenchmanorwomanalivewillnot？)doessomorebyslightingthanbyoutragingit，as，withtheirlaboreddescriptionsofallsortsofimaginablewickedness，someofhisbrethrenofthepresshavedone。

M。deBernard’scharactersaremenandwomenofgenteelsociety——

rascalsenough，butlivinginnostateofconvulsivecrimes。andwefollowhiminhislively，maliciousaccountoftheirmanners，withoutriskoflightinguponanysuchhorrorsasBalzacorDumashasprovidedforus。

Letusgiveaninstance：——itisfromtheamusingnovelcalledLesAilesd’Icare，andcontainswhatistousquiteanewpictureofaFrenchfashionablerogue。Thefashionswillchangeinafewyears，andtherogue，ofcourse，withthem。Letuscatchthisdelightfulfellowereheflies。Itisimpossibletosketchthecharacterinamoresparkling，gentlemanlikewaythanM。deBernard’s。butsuchlightthingsareverydifficultoftranslation，andthesparklesadlyevaporatesduringtheprocessofDECANTING。

AFRENCHFASHIONABLELETTER。

MYDEARVICTOR——Itissixinthemorning：IhavejustcomefromtheEnglishAmbassador’sball，andasmyplans，forthedaydonotadmitofmysleeping，Iwriteyoualine。for，atthismoment，saturatedasIamwiththeenchantmentsofafairynight，allotherpleasureswouldbetoowearisometokeepmeawake，exceptthatofconversingwithyou。Indeed，wereInottowritetoyounow，whenshouldIfindthepossibilityofdoingso？Timefliesherewithsuchafrightfulrapidity，mypleasuresandmyaffairswhirlonwardstogetherinsuchatorrentuousgalopade，thatIamcompelledtoseizeoccasionbytheforelock。foreachmomenthasitsimperiousemploy。Donotthenaccusemeofnegligence：ifmycorrespondencehasnotalwaysthatregularitywhichIwouldfaingiveit，attributethefaultsolelytothewhirlwindinwhichI

live，andwhichcarriesmehitherandthitheratitswill。