第1章

THEPARISSKETCHBOOK。

AnInvasionofFranceACautiontoTravellersTheFetesofJulyOntheFrenchSchoolofPaintingThePainter’sBargainCartoucheOnsomeFrenchFashionableNovelsAGambler’sDeathNapoleonandhisSystemTheStoryofMaryAncelBeatriceMergerCaricaturesandLithographyinParisLittlePoinsinetTheDevil’sWagerMadameSandandthenewApocalypseTheCaseofPeytelFourImitationsofBerangerFrenchDramasandMelodramasMeditationsatVersaillesDEDICATORYLETTER

TO

M。ARETZ，TAILOR，ETC。

27，RUERICHELIEU，PARIS。

SIR，——Itbecomeseverymaninhisstationtoacknowledgeandpraisevirtuewheresoeverhemayfindit，andtopointitoutfortheadmirationandexampleofhisfellow-men。

Somemonthssince，whenyoupresentedtothewriterofthesepagesasmallaccountforcoatsandpantaloonsmanufacturedbyyou，andwhenyouweremetbyastatementfromyourcreditor，thatanimmediatesettlementofyourbillwouldbeextremelyinconvenienttohim。yourreplywas，MonDieu，Sir，letnotthatannoyyou。ifyouwantmoney，asagentlemanoftendoesinastrangecountry，I

haveathousand-francnoteatmyhousewhichisquiteatyourservice。

Historyorexperience，Sir，makesusacquaintedwithsofewactionsthatcanbecomparedtoyours，——anofferlikethisfromastrangerandatailorseemstomesoastonishing，——thatyoumustpardonmeforthusmakingyourvirtuepublic，andacquaintingtheEnglishnationwithyourmeritandyourname。Letmeadd，Sir，thatyouliveonthefirstfloor。thatyourclothesandfitareexcellent，andyourchargesmoderateandjust。and，asahumbletributeofmyadmiration，permitmetolaythesevolumesatyourfeet。

Yourobliged，faithfulservant，M。A。TITMARSH。

ADVERTISEMENTTOTHEFIRSTEDITION。

Abouthalfofthesketchesinthesevolumeshavealreadyappearedinprint，invariousperiodicalworks。Apartofthetextofonetale，andtheplotsoftwoothers，havebeenborrowedfromFrenchoriginals。theotherstories，whichare，inthemain，true，havebeenwrittenuponfactsandcharactersthatcamewithintheAuthor’sobservationduringaresidenceinParis。

Astheremainingpapersrelatetopubliceventswhichoccurredduringthesameperiod，ortoParisianArtandLiterature，hehasventuredtogivehispublicationthetitlewhichitbears。

LONDON，July1，1840。

ANINVASIONOFFRANCE。

CaesarvenitinGalliamsummadiligentia。

Abouttwelveo’clock，justasthebellofthepacketistollingafarewelltoLondonBridge，andwarningofftheblackguard-boyswiththenewspapers，whohavebeenshovingTimes，Herald，PennyPaul-

Pry，PennySatirist，Flare-up，andotherabominations，intoyourface——justasthebellhastolled，andtheJews，strangers，people-

taking-leave-of-their-families，andblackguard-boysaforesaid，aremakingarushforthenarrowplankwhichconductsfromthepaddle-

boxoftheEmeraldsteamboatuntothequay——youperceive，staggeringdownThamesStreet，thosetwohackney-coaches，forthearrivalofwhichyouhavebeenpraying，trembling，hoping，despairing，swearing——sw——，Ibegyourpardon，Ibelievethewordisnotusedinpolitecompany——andtranspiring，forthelasthalf-

hour。Yes，atlast，thetwocoachesdrawnear，andfromthenceanawfulnumberoftrunks，children，carpet-bags，nursery-maids，hat-

boxes，band-boxes，bonnet-boxes，desks，cloaks，andanaffectionatewife，aredischargedonthequay。

Elizabeth，takecareofMissJane，screamsthatworthywoman，whohasbeenforafortnightemployedingettingthistremendousbodyoftroopsandbaggageintomarchingorder。Hicks！Hicks！forheaven’ssakemindthebabies！——George——Edward，sir，ifyougonearthatporterwiththetrunk，hewilltumbledownandkillyou，younaughtyboy！——Mylove，DOtakethecloaksandumbrellas，andgiveahandtoFannyandLucy。andIwishyouwouldspeaktothehackney-coachmen，dear，theywantfifteenshillings，andcountthepackages，love——twenty-sevenpackages，——andbringlittleFlo。

where’slittleFlo？——Flo！Flo！——(Flocomessneakingin。shehasbeenspeakingafewpartingwordstoaone-eyedterrier，thatsneaksoffsimilarly，landward。)

Aswhenthehawkmenacesthehen-roost，inlikemanner，whensuchadangerasavoyagemenacesamother，shebecomessuddenlyendowedwithaferociouspresenceofmind，andbristlingupandscreaminginthefrontofherbrood，andinthefaceofcircumstances，succeeds，byhercourage，inputtingherenemytoflight。inlikemanneryouwillalways，Ithink，findyourwife(ifthatladybegoodfortwopence)shrill，eager，andill-humored，before，andduringagreatfamilymoveofthisnature。Well，theswindlinghackney-coachmenarepaid，themotherleadingonherregimentoflittleones，andsupportedbyherauxiliarynurse-maids，aresafeinthecabin——youhavecountedtwenty-sixofthetwenty-sevenparcels，andhavethemonboard，andthathorridmanonthepaddle-

box，who，fortwentyminutespast，hasbeenroaringout，NOW，SIR！——

says，NOW，SIR，nomore。

Ineveryetknewhowasteamerbegantomove，beingalwaystoobusyamongthetrunksandchildren，forthefirsthalf-hour，tomarkanyofthemovementsofthevessel。Whentheseprivatearrangementsaremade，youfindyourselfoppositeGreenwich(farewell，sweet，sweetwhitebait！)，andquietbeginstoenteryoursoul。Yourwifesmilesforthefirsttimethesetendays。youpassbyplantationsofship-masts，andforestsofsteam-chimneys。thesailorsaresingingonboardtheships，thebargeessaluteyouwithoaths，grins，andphrasesfacetiousandfamiliar。themanonthepaddle-

boxroars，Easeher，stopher！whichmysteriouswordsashrillvoicefrombelowrepeats，andpipesout，Easeher，stopher！inecho。thedeckiscrowdedwithgroupsoffigures，andthesunshinesoverall。

Thesunshinesoverall，andthestewardcomesuptosay，Lunch，ladiesandgentlemen！Willanyladyorgentlemanpleasetotakeanythink？Aboutadozendo：boiledbeefandpickles，andgreatredrawCheshirecheese，tempttheepicure：littledumpybottlesofstoutareproduced，andfizzandbangaboutwithaspiritonewouldneverhavelookedforinindividualsoftheirsizeandstature。

Thedeckshaveastrange，look。thepeopleonthem，thatis。

Wives，elderlystouthusbands，nurse-maids，andchildrenpredominate，ofcourse，inEnglishsteamboats。SuchmaybeconsideredasthedistinctivemarksoftheEnglishgentlemanatthreeorfourandforty：twoorthreeofsuchgroupshavepitchedtheircampsonthedeck。Thenthereareanumberofyoungmen，ofwhomthreeorfourhaveallowedtheirmoustachestoBEGINtogrowsincelastFriday。fortheyaregoingontheContinent，andtheylook，therefore，asiftheirupperlipsweresmearedwithsnuff。

AdanseusefromtheoperaisonherwaytoParis。Followedbyherbonneandherlittledog，shepacesthedeck，steppingout，intherealdancerfashion，andoglingallaround。HowhappythetwoyoungEnglishmenare，whocanspeakFrench，andmakeuptoher：andhowallcriticiseherpointsandpaces！Yonderisagroupofyoungladies，whoaregoingtoParistolearnhowtobegovernesses：

thosetwosplendidlydressedladiesaremillinersfromtheRueRichelieu，whohavejustbroughtover，anddisposedof，theircargoofSummerfashions。HeresitstheRev。Mr。Snodgrasswithhispupils，whomheisconductingtohisestablishment，nearBoulogne，where，inadditiontoaclassicalandmathematicaleducation(washingincluded)，theyounggentlemenhavethebenefitoflearningFrenchamongTHEFRENCHTHEMSELVES。Accordingly，theyounggentlemenarelockedupinagreatricketyhouse，twomilesfromBoulogneandneverseeasoul，excepttheFrenchusherandthecook。

SomefewFrenchpeoplearetherealready，preparingtobeill——(I

nevershallforgetadreadfulsightIoncehadinthelittledark，dirty，six-footcabinofaDoversteamer。FourgauntFrenchmen，butfortheirpantaloons，inthecostumeofAdaminParadise，solemnlyanointingthemselveswithsomecharmagainstsea-

sickness！)——afewFrenchmenarethere，butthese，forthemostpart，andwithaproperphilosophy，gotothefore-cabinoftheship，andyouseethemonthefore-deck(isthatthenameforthatpartofthevesselwhichisintheregionofthebowsprit？)

loweringinhugecloaksandcaps。snuffy，wretched，pale，andwet。

andnotjabberingnow，astheirwontisonshore。InevercouldfancytheMounseersformidableatsea。

Thereare，ofcourse，manyJewsonboard。Whoevertravelledbysteamboat，coach，diligence，eilwagen，vetturino，mule-back，orsledge，withoutmeetingsomeofthewanderingrace？

Bythetimetheseremarkshavebeenmadethestewardisonthedeckagain，anddinnerisready：andabouttwohoursafterdinnercomestea。andthenthereisbrandy-and-water，whichheeagerlypressesasapreventiveagainstwhatmayhappen。andaboutthistimeyoupasstheForeland，thewindblowingprettyfresh。andthegroupsondeckdisappear，andyourwife，givingyouanalarmedlook，descends，withherlittleones，totheladies’cabin，andyouseethestewardandhisboysissuingfromtheirdenunderthepaddle-

box，witheachaheapofroundtinvases，likethosewhicharecalled，Ibelieve，inAmerica，expectoratoons，onlythesearelarger……

Thewindblows，thewaterlooksgreenerandmorebeautifulthanever——ridgebyridgeoflongwhiterockpassesaway。That’sRamsgit，saysthemanatthehelm。and，presently，Thatthere’sDeal——it’sdreadfulfallenoffsincethewar。andThat’sDover，roundthattherepint，onlyyoucan’tseeit。And，inthemeantime，thesunhasplumpedhishotfaceintothewater，andthemoonhasshownhersassoonaseverhisbackisturned，andMrs——

(thewifeingeneral，)hasbroughtupherchildrenandselffromthehorridcabin，inwhichshesaysitisimpossibletobreathe。

andthepoorlittlewretchesare，bytheofficiousstewardessandsmartsteward(expectoratoonifer)，accommodatedwithaheapofblankets，pillows，andmattresses，inthemidstofwhichtheycrawl，asbesttheymay，andfromtheheavingheapofwhichare，duringtherestofthevoyage，heardoccasionalfaintcries，andsoundsofpukingwoe！

Dear，dearMaria！Isthisthewomanwho，anon，bravedthejeersandbrutalwrathofswindlinghackney-coachmen。whorepelledtheinsolenceofhagglingporters，withascornthatbroughtdowntheirdemandsatleasteighteenpence？Isthisthewomanatwhosevoiceservantstremble。atthesoundofwhosestepsthenursery，ay，andmayhaptheparlor，isinorder？Lookathernow，prostrate，prostrate——nostrengthhasshetospeak，scarcepowertopushtoheryoungestone——hersuffering，strugglingRosa，——topushtoherthe——theinstrumentoon！

Inthemidstofallthesethroesandagonies，atwhichallthepassengers，whohavetheirownwoes(youyourself——forhowcanyouhelpTHEM？——youareonyourbackonabench，andifyoumoveallisupwithyou，)arelookingonindifferent——onemanthereiswhohasbeenwatchingyouwiththeutmostcare，andbestowingonyourhelplessfamilythetendernessthatafatherdeniesthem。Heisaforeigner，andyouhavebeenconversingwithhim，inthecourseofthemorning，inFrench——which，hesays，youspeakremarkablywell，likeanativeinfact，andtheninEnglish(which，afterall，youfindismoreconvenient)。Whatcanexpressyourgratitudetothisgentlemanforallhisgoodnesstowardsyourfamilyandyourself——

youtalktohim，hehasservedundertheEmperor，andis，forallthat，sensible，modest，andwell-informed。Hespeaks，indeed，ofhiscountrymenalmostwithcontempt，andreadilyadmitsthesuperiorityofaBriton，ontheseasandelsewhere。Onelovestomeetwithsuchgenuineliberalityinaforeigner，andrespectsthemanwhocansacrificevanitytotruth。Thisdistinguishedforeignerhastravelledmuch。heaskswhitheryouaregoing？——whereyoustop？ifyouhaveagreatquantityofluggageonboard？——andlaughswhenhehearsofthetwenty-sevenpackages，andhopesyouhavesomefriendatthecustom-house，whocanspareyouthemonstroustroubleofunpackingthatwhichhastakenyouweekstoputup。Nine，ten，eleven，thedistinguishedforeigneriseveratyourside。youfindhimnow，perhaps，(withcharacteristicingratitude，)somethingofabore，but，atleast，hehasbeenmosttendertothechildrenandtheirmamma。AtlastaBoulognelightcomesinsight，(youseeitoverthebowsofthevessel，when，havingbobbedviolentlyupwards，itsinksswiftlydown，)Boulogneharborisinsight，andtheforeignersays，——

Thedistinguishedforeignersays，sayshe——Sare，eefyouafno’otel，Isallrecommendyou，milor，toze’OtelBetfort，inzeQuay，sare，closetothebathing-machinesandcustom-ha-oose。Goodbetsandfinegarten，sare。table-d’hote，sare，acinqheures。

breakfast，sare，inFrenchorEnglishstyle——Iamthecommissionaire，sare，andvillseetoyourloggish……Cursethefellow，foranimpudent，swindling，sneakingFrenchhumbug！——Yourtoneinstantlychanges，andyoutellhimtogoabouthisbusiness：butattwelveo’clockatnight，whenthevoyageisover，andthecustom-housebusinessdone，knowingnotwhithertogo，withawifeandfourteenexhaustedchildren，scarceabletostand，andlongingforbed，youfindyourself，somehow，intheHotelBedford(andyoucan’tbebetter)，andsmilingchambermaidscarryoffyourchildrentosnugbeds。whilesmartwaitersproduceforyourhonor——acoldfowl，say，andasalad，andabottleofBordeauxandSeltzer-water……

Themorningcomes——Idon’tknowapleasanterfeelingthanthatofwakingwiththesunshiningonobjectsquitenew，and(althoughyouhavemadethevoyageadozentimes，)quitestrange。Mrs。X。andyouoccupyaverylightbed，whichhasatallcanopyofredpercale。thewindowsaresmartlydrapedwithcheapgaudycalicoesandmuslins。therearelittlemeanstripsofcarpetaboutthetiledflooroftheroom，andyetallseemsasgayandascomfortableasmaybe——thesunshinesbrighterthanyouhaveseenitforayear，theskyisathousandtimesbluer，andwhatacheeryclatterofshrillquickFrenchvoicescomesupfromthecourt-yardunderthewindows！Bellsarejangling。afamily，mayhap，isgoingtoParis，enposte，andwondrousisthejabberofthecourier，thepostilion，theinn-waiters，andthelookers-on。ThelandlordcallsoutforQuatrebiftecksauxpommespourletrente-trois，——(Omycountrymen，Iloveyourtastesandyourways！)——thechambermaidislaughingandsays，Finissezdonc，MonsieurPierre！(whatcantheybeabout？)——afatEnglishmanhasopenedhiswindowviolently，andsays，Deedong，garsong，voolyvoomedonnylosho，ouvoolyvoopah？Hehasbeenringingforhalfanhour——thelastenergeticappealsucceeds，andshortlyheisenabledtodescendtothecoffee-room，where，withthreehotrolls，grilledham，coldfowl，andfourboiledeggs，hemakeswhathecallshisfirstFRENCH

breakfast。

Itisastrange，mongrel，merryplace，thistownofBoulogne。thelittleFrenchfishermen’schildrenarebeautiful，andthelittleFrenchsoldiers，fourfeethigh，red-breeched，withhugepomponsontheircaps，andbrownfaces，andclearsharpeyes，look，foralltheirlittleness，farmoremilitaryandmoreintelligentthantheheavyloutsonehasseenswaggeringaboutthegarrisontownsinEngland。Yondergoacrowdofbare-leggedfishermen。thereisthetownidiot，mockingawomanwhoisscreamingFleuveduTage，ataninn-window，toaharp，andtherearethelittlegaminsmockingHIM。Lo！thesesevenyoungladies，withredhairandgreenveils，theyarefromneighboringAlbion，andgoingtobathe。HerecomesthreeEnglishmen，habituesevidentlyoftheplace，——dandyspecimensofourcountrymen：onewearsamarinedress，anotherhasashootingdress，athirdhasablouseandapairofguiltlessspurs——allhaveasmuchhaironthefaceasnatureorartcansupply，andallweartheirhatsverymuchononeside。Believeme，thereisonthefaceofthisworldnoscamplikeanEnglishone，noblackguardlikeoneofthesehalf-gentlemen，somean，solow，sovulgar，——soludicrouslyignorantandconceited，sodesperatelyheartlessanddepraved。

Butwhy，mydearsir，getintoapassion？——Takethingscoolly。Asthepoethasobserved，Thoseonlyisgentlemenwhobehaveassich。withsuch，then，consort，betheycobblersordukes。Don’tgiveus，criesthepatrioticreader，anyabuseofourfellow-

countrymen(anybodyelsecandothat)，butrathercontinueinthatgood-humored，facetious，descriptivestylewithwhichyourletterhascommenced——Yourremark，sir，isperfectlyjust，anddoeshonortoyourheadandexcellentheart。

ThereislittleneedtogiveadescriptionofthegoodtownofBoulogne，which，hauteandbasse，withthenewlight-houseandthenewharbor，andthegas-lamps，andthemanufactures，andtheconvents，andthenumberofEnglishandFrenchresidents，andthepillarerectedinhonorofthegrandArmeed’Angleterre，socalledbecauseitDIDN’TgotoEngland，haveallbeenexcellentlydescribedbythefacetiousCoglan，thelearnedDr。Millingen，andbyinnumerableguide-booksbesides。AfinethingitistohearthestoutoldFrenchmenofNapoleon’stimearguehowthataudaciousCorsicanWOULDhavemarchedtoLondon，afterswallowingNelsonandallhisgun-boats，butforcettemalheureuseguerred’Espagneandcetteglorieusecampagned’Autriche，whichthegoldofPittcausedtoberaisedattheEmperor’stail，inordertocallhimofffromthehelplesscountryinhisfront。SomeFrenchmengofartherstill，andvowthatinSpaintheywereneverbeatenatall。indeed，ifyoureadintheBiographiedesHommesduJour，articleSoult，

youwillfancythat，withtheexceptionofthedisasteratVittoria，thecampaignsinSpainandPortugalwereaseriesoftriumphs。Only，bylookingatamap，itisobservablethatVimeiroisamortallongwayfromToulouse，where，attheendofcertainyearsofvictories，wesomehowfindthehonestMarshal。Andwhatthen？——hewenttoToulouseforthepurposeofbeatingtheEnglishthere，tobesure——aknownfact，onwhichcommentwouldbesuperfluous。However，weshallnevergettoParisatthisrate。

letusbreakofffurtherpalaver，andawayatonce……

(Duringthispause，theingeniousreaderiskindlyrequestedtopayhisbillattheHotelatBoulogne，tomounttheDiligenceofLaffitte，CaillardandCompany，andtotravelfortwenty-fivehours，amidstmuchjinglingofharness-bellsandscreamingofpostilions。)……

TheFrenchmilliner，whooccupiesoneofthecorners，beginstoremovethegreasypiecesofpaperwhichhaveenvelopedherlocksduringthejourney。ShewithdrawstheMadrasofdubioushuewhichhasboundherheadforthelastfive-and-twentyhours，andreplacesitbytheblackvelvetbonnet，which，bobbingagainstyournose，hashungfromtheDiligenceroofsinceyourdeparturefromBoulogne。Theoldladyintheoppositecorner，whohasbeensuckingbonbons，andsmellsdreadfullyofanisette，arrangesherlittleparcelsinthatimmensebasketofabominationswhichalloldwomencarryintheirlaps。Sherubshermouthandeyeswithherdustycambrichandkerchief，shetiesuphernightcapintoalittlebundle，andreplacesitbyamorebecominghead-piece，coveredwithwitheredartificialflowers，andcrumpledtagsofribbon。shelookswistfullyatthecompanyforaninstant，andthenplacesherhandkerchiefbeforehermouth：——hereyesrollstrangelyaboutforaninstant，andyouhearafaintclatteringnoise：theoldladyhasbeengettingreadyherteeth，whichhadlaininherbasketamongthebonbons，pins，oranges，pomatum，bitsofcake，lozenges，prayer-books，peppermint-water，coppermoney，andfalsehair——

stowedawaythereduringthevoyage。TheJewishgentleman，whohasbeensoattentivetothemillinerduringthejourney，andisatravellerandbagmanbyprofession，gatherstogetherhisvariousgoods。Thesallow-facedEnglishlad，whohasbeendrunkeversinceweleftBoulogneyesterday，andiscomingtoParistopursuethestudyofmedicine，swearsthatherejoicestoleavethecursedDiligence，issickoftheinfernaljourney，andd——dgladthatthed——dvoyageissonearlyover。Enfin！saysyourneighbor，yawning，andinsertinganelbowintothemouthofhisrightandlefthandcompanion，nousvoila。

NOUSVOILA！——WeareatParis！Thismustaccountfortheremovalofthemilliner’scurl-papers，andthefixingoftheoldlady’steeth——Sincethelastrelais，theDiligencehasbeentravellingwithextraordinaryspeed。Thepostilioncrackshisterriblewhip，andscreamsshrilly。Theconductorblowsincessantlyonhishorn，thebellsoftheharness，thebumpingandringingofthewheelsandchains，andtheclatterofthegreathoofsoftheheavysnortingNormanstallions，havewondrouslyincreasedwithinthis，thelasttenminutes。andtheDiligence，whichhasbeenproceedinghithertoattherateofaleagueinanhour，nowdashesgallantlyforward，asifitwouldtraverseatleastsixmilesinthesamespaceoftime。Thusitis，whenSirRobertmakethaspeechatSaintStephen’s——heusethhisstrengthatthebeginning，only，andtheend。Hegallopethatthecommencement。inthemiddlehelingers。

attheclose，again，herousestheHouse，whichhasfallenasleep。

hecrackeththewhipofhissatire。heshoutstheshoutofhispatriotism。and，urginghiseloquencetoitsroughestcanter，awakensthesleepers，andinspirestheweary，untilmensay，Whatawondrousorator！Whatacapitalcoach！Wewillridehenceforthinit，andinnoother！

But，beholdusatParis！TheDiligencehasreachedarude-lookinggate，orgrille，flankedbytwolodges。theFrenchKingsofoldmadetheirentrybythisgate。someofthehottestbattlesofthelaterevolutionwerefoughtbeforeit。Atpresent，itisblockedbycartsandpeasants，andabusycrowdofmen，ingreen，examiningthepackagesbeforetheyenter，probingthestrawwithlongneedles。ItistheBarrierofSt。Denis，andthegreenmenarethecustoms’-menofthecityofParis。Ifyouareacountryman，whowouldintroduceacowintothemetropolis，thecitydemandstwenty-

fourfrancsforsuchaprivilege：ifyouhaveahundredweightoftallow-candles，youmust，previously，disbursethreefrancs：ifadroveofhogs，ninefrancsperwholehog：butuponthesesubjectsMr。Bulwer，Mrs。Trollope，andotherwriters，havealreadyenlightenedthepublic。Inthepresentinstance，afteramomentarypause，oneofthemeningreenmountsbythesideoftheconductor，andtheponderousvehiclepursuesitsjourney。

Thestreetwhichweenter，thatoftheFaubourgSt。Denis，presentsastrangecontrasttothedarkuniformityofaLondonstreet，whereeverything，inthedingyandsmokyatmosphere，looksasthoughitwerepaintedinIndia-ink——blackhouses，blackpassengers，andblacksky。Here，onthecontrary，isathousandtimesmorelifeandcolor。Beforeyou，shininginthesun，isalongglisteninglineofGUTTER，——notaverypleasingobjectinacity，butinapictureinvaluable。Oneachsidearehousesofalldimensionsandhues。somebutofonestory。someashighasthetowerofBabel。

Fromthesethehaberdashers(andthisistheirfavoritestreet)

flauntlongstripsofgaudycalicoes，whichgiveastrangeairofrudegayetytothestreet。Milk-women，withalittlecrowdofgossipsroundeach，are，atthisearlyhourofmorning，sellingthechiefmaterialoftheParisiancafe-au-lait。Gaywine-shops，paintedred，andsmartlydecoratedwithvinesandgildedrailings，arefilledwithworkmentakingtheirmorning’sdraught。Thatgloomy-lookingprisononyourrightisaprisonforwomen。onceitwasaconventforLazarists：athousandunfortunateindividualsofthesoftersexnowoccupythatmansion：theybake，aswefindintheguide-books，thebreadofalltheotherprisons。theymendandwashtheshirtsandstockingsofalltheotherprisoners。theymakehooks-and-eyesandphosphorus-boxes，andtheyattendchapeleverySunday：——ifoccupationcanhelpthem，suretheyhaveenoughofit。

Wasitnotagreatstrokeofthelegislaturetosuperintendthemoralsandlinenatonce，andthuskeepthesepoorcreaturescontinuallymending？——Butwehavepassedtheprisonlongago，andareatthePorteSt。Denisitself。

Thereisonlytimetotakeahastyglanceaswepass：itcommemoratessomeofthewonderfulfeatsofarmsofLudovicusMagnus，andaboundsinponderousallegories——nymphs，andriver-

gods，andpyramidscrownedwithfleurs-de-lis。LouispassingovertheRhineintriumph，andtheDutchLiongivinguptheghost，intheyearofourLord1672。TheDutchLionrevived，andovercamethemansomeyearsafterwards。butofthisfact，singularlyenough，theinscriptionsmakenomention。Passing，then，roundthegate，andnotunderit(afterthegeneralcustom，inrespectoftriumphalarches)，youcrosstheboulevard，whichgivesaglimpseoftreesandsunshine，andgleamingwhitebuildings。then，dashingdowntheRuedeBourbonVilleneuve，adirtystreet，whichseemsinterminable，andtheRueSt。Eustache，theconductorgivesalastblastonhishorn，andthegreatvehicleclattersintothecourt-yard，wherethejourneyisdestinedtoconclude。

Iftherewasanoisebeforeofscreamingpostilionsandcrackedhorns，itwasnothingtotheBabel-likeclatterwhichgreetsusnow。Weareinagreatcourt，whichHajjiBabawouldcallthefatherofDiligences。Halfadozenothercoachesarriveatthesameminute——nolightaffairs，likeyourEnglishvehicles，butponderousmachines，containingfifteenpassengersinside，moreinthecabriolet，andvasttowersofluggageontheroof：othersareloading：theyardisfilledwithpassengerscomingordeparting——

bustlingportersandscreamingcommissionaires。Theselatterseizeyouasyoudescendfromyourplace，——twentycardsarethrustintoyourhand，andasmanyvoices，jabberingwithinconceivableswiftness，shriekintoyourear，Disway，sare。areyouforze’

’OtelofRhin？’’Hoteldel’Amiraute！’——’HotelBristol，’sare！——

Monsieur，’l’HoteldeLille？’Sacr-rrre’nomdeDieu，laissezpassercepetit，monsieur！Owmoshloggishaveyou，sare？

Andnow，ifyouareastrangerinParis，listentothewordsofTitmarsh——IfyoucannotspeakasyllableofFrench，andloveEnglishcomfort，cleanrooms，breakfasts，andwaiters。ifyouwouldhaveplentifuldinners，andarenotparticular(ashowshouldyoube？)concerningwine。if，inthisforeigncountry，youWILLhaveyourEnglishcompanions，yourporter，yourfriend，andyourbrandy-

and-water——donotlistentoanyofthesecommissionerfellows，butwithyourbestEnglishaccent，shoutoutboldly，MEURICE！andstraightwayamanwillstepforwardtoconductyoutotheRuedeRivoli。

Hereyouwillfindapartmentsatanyprice：averyneatroom，forinstance，forthreefrancsdaily。anEnglishbreakfastofeternalboiledeggs，orgrilledham。anondescriptdinner，profusebutcold。andasocietywhichwillrejoiceyourheart。Hereareyounggentlemenfromtheuniversities。youngmerchantsonalark。largefamiliesofninedaughters，withfatfatherandmother。officersofdragoons，andlawyers’clerks。ThelasttimewedinedatMeurice’swehobbedandnobbedwithnolessapersonthanMr。

Moses，thecelebratedbailiffofChanceryLane。LordBroughamwasonhisright，andaclergyman’slady，withatrainofwhite-hairedgirls，satonhisleft，wonderfullytakenwiththediamondringsofthefascinatingstranger！

Itis，asyouwillperceive，anadmirablewaytoseeParis，especiallyifyouspendyourdaysreadingtheEnglishpapersatGalignani’s，asmanyofourforeigntouristsdo。

Butallthisispromiscuous，andnottothepurpose。If，——tocontinueonthesubjectofhotelchoosing，——ifyoulovequiet，heavybills，andthebesttable-d’hoteinthecity，go，Ostranger！

totheHoteldesPrinces。itisclosetotheBoulevard，andconvenientforFrascati’s。TheHotelMirabeaupossessesscarcelylessattraction。butofthisyouwillfind，inMr。Bulwer’sAutobiographyofPelham，afaithfulandcompleteaccount。

Lawson’sHotelhaslikewiseitsmerits，asalsotheHoteldeLille，whichmaybedescribedasasecondchopMeurice。

Ifyouareapoorstudentcometostudythehumanities，orthepleasantartofamputation，crossthewaterforthwith，andproceedtotheHotelCorneille，neartheOdeon，orothersofitsspecies。

therearemanywhereyoucanliveroyally(untilyoueconomizebygoingintolodgings)onfourfrancsaday。andwhere，ifbyanystrangechanceyouaredesirousforawhiletogetridofyourcountrymen，youwillfindthattheyscarcelyeverpenetrate。

Butaboveall，Omycountrymen！shunboarding-houses，especiallyifyouhaveladiesinyourtrain。orponderwell，andexaminethecharactersofthekeepersthereof，beforeyouleadyourinnocentdaughters，andtheirmamma，intoplacessodangerous。Inthefirstplace，youhavebaddinners。and，secondly，badcompany。Ifyouplaycards，youareverylikelyplayingwithaswindler。ifyoudance，youdancewitha——personwithwhomyouhadbetterhavenothingtodo。

Note(whichladiesarerequestednottoread)——Inoneoftheseestablishments，dailyadvertisedasmosteligibleforEnglish，afriendofthewriterlived。Alady，whohadpassedforsometimeasthewifeofoneoftheinmates，suddenlychangedherhusbandandname，heroriginalhusbandremaininginthehouse，andsalutingherbyhernewtitle。

ACAUTIONTOTRAVELLERS。

Amilliondangersandsnaresawaitthetraveller，assoonasheissuesoutofthatvastmessageriewhichwehavejustquitted：andaseachmancannotdobetterthanrelatesucheventsashavehappenedinthecourseofhisownexperience，andmaykeeptheunwaryfromthepathofdanger，letustakethis，theveryearliestopportunity，ofimpartingtothepublicalittleofthewisdomwhichwepainfullyhaveacquired。

Andfirst，then，withregardtothecityofParis，itistoberemarked，thatinthatmetropolisflourishagreaternumberofnativeandexoticswindlersthanaretobefoundinanyotherEuropeannursery。WhatyoungEnglishmanthatvisitsit，buthasnotdetermined，inhisheart，tohavealittleshareofthegayetiesthatgoon——justforonce，justtoseewhattheyarelike？

Howmany，whenthehorriblegamblingdenswereopen，didresistasightofthem？——nay，wasnotayoungfellowratherflatteredbyadinnerinvitationfromtheSalon，whitherhewent，fondlypretendingthatheshouldseeFrenchsociety，inthepersonsofcertainDukesandCountswhousedtofrequenttheplace？

MyfriendPogsonisayoungfellow，notmuchworse，althoughperhapsalittleweakerandsimplerthanhisneighbors。andcomingtoPariswithexactlythesamenotionsthatbringmanyothersoftheBritishyouthtothatcapital，eventsbefellhimthere，lastwinter，whicharestrictlytrue，andshallherebenarrated，bywayofwarningtoall。

Pog，itmustbepremised，isacityman，whotravelsindrugsforacoupleofthebestLondonhouses，blowstheflute，hasanalbum，driveshisowngig，andisconsidered，bothontheroadandinthemetropolis，aremarkablynice，intelligent，thrivingyoungman。

Pogson’sonlyfaultistoogreatanattachmenttothefair：——thesex，ashesaysoftenwillbehisruin：thefactis，thatPognevertravelswithoutaDonJuanunderhisdriving-cushion，andisapretty-lookingyoungfellowenough。

SamPogsonhadoccasiontovisitParis，lastOctober。anditwasinthatcitythathisloveofthesexhadlikedtohavecosthimdear。

HeworkedhiswaydowntoDover。placing，rightandleft，atthetownsonhisroute，rhubarb，sodas，andothersuchdelectablewaresashismastersdealtin(thesweetestsampleofcastoroil，smeltlikeanosegay——wentofflikewildfire——hogsheadandahalfatRochester，eight-andtwentygallonsatCanterbury，andsoon)，andcrossedtoCalais，andthencevoyagedtoParisinthecoupeoftheDiligence。Hepaidfortwoplaces，too，althoughasingleman，andthereasonshallnowbemadeknown。

Diningatthetable-d’hoteatQuillacq’s——itisthebestinnontheContinentofEurope——ourlittletravellerhadthehappinesstobeplacednexttoalady，whowas，hesawataglance，oneoftheextremepinkofthenobility。Alargelady，inblacksatin，witheyesandhairasblackassloes，withgoldchains，scent-bottles，sabletippet，workedpocket-handkerchief，andfourtwinklingringsoneachofherplumpwhitefingers。HercheekswereaspinkasthefinestChineserougecouldmakethem。Pogknewthearticle：hetravelledinit。Herlipswereasredastherubylipsalve：sheusedtheverybest，thatwasclear。

Shewasafine-lookingwoman，certainly(holdingdownhereyes，andtalkingperpetuallyofmestrente-deuxans)。andPogson，thewickedyoungdog，whoprofessednottocareforyoungmisses，sayingtheysmeltsoofbread-and-butter，declared，atonce，thattheladywasoneofHISbeauties。infact，whenhespoketousabouther，hesaid，She’saslap-upthing，Itellyou。areg’largoodone。ONEOFMYSORT！AndsuchwasPogson’screditinallcommercialrooms，thatoneofHISsortwasconsideredtosurpassallothersorts。

Duringdinner-time，Mr。Pogsonwasprofoundlypoliteandattentivetotheladyathisside，andkindlycommunicatedtoher，asisthewaywiththebest-bredEnglishontheirfirstarrivalontheContinent，allhisimpressionsregardingthesightsandpersonshehadseen。Suchremarkshavingbeenmadeduringhalfanhour’srambleabouttherampartsandtown，andinthecourseofawalkdowntothecustom-house，andaconfidentialcommunicationwiththecommissionaire，mustbe，doubtless，veryvaluabletoFrenchmenintheirowncountry。andtheladylistenedtoPogson’sopinions：notonlywithbenevolentattention，butactually，shesaid，withpleasureanddelight。Mr。PogsonsaidthattherewasnosuchthingasgoodmeatinFrance，andthat’swhytheycookedtheirvictualsinthisqueerway。hehadseenmanysoldiersparadingabouttheplace，andexpressedatrueEnglishman’sabhorrenceofanarmedforce。notthathefearedsuchfellowsasthese——littlewhipper-

snappers——ourmenwouldeatthem。HereupontheladyadmittedthatourGuardswereangels，butthatMonsieurmustnotbetoohardupontheFrench。herfatherwasaGeneraloftheEmperor。

PogsonfeltatremendousrespectforhimselfatthenotionthathewasdiningwithaGeneral’sdaughter，andinstantlyorderedabottleofchampagnetokeepuphisconsequence。

Mrs。Bironn，ma’am，saidhe，forhehadheardthewaitercallherbysomesuchname，ifyouWILLacceptaglassofchampagne，ma’am，you’lldome，I’msure，greathonor：theysayit’sverygood，andaprecioussightcheaperthanitisonoursideoftheway，too——notthatIcareformoney。Mrs。Bironn，ma’am，yourhealth，ma’am。

Theladysmiledverygraciously，anddrankthewine。

Haryouanyrelation，ma’am，ifImaymakesobold。haryouanywaysconnectedwiththefamilyofourimmortalbard？

Sir，Ibegyourpardon。

Don’tmentionit，ma’am：butBiRONNandBYronarehevidentlythesamenames，onlyyoupronounceintheFrenchway。andIthoughtyoumightberelatedtohislordship：hishorigin，ma’am，wasofFrenchextraction：andherePogsonbegantorepeat，——

Harethyheyeslikethymother’s，myfairchild，Hada！soledaughterofmy’ouseand’art？

Oh！saidthelady，laughing，youspeakofLORByron？

Hauthorof’DonJuan，’’Child’Arold，’and’Cain，aMystery，’

saidPogson：——Ido。andhearingthewaitercallingyouMadamlaBironn，tookthelibertyofhaskingwhetheryouwereconnectedwithhislordship。that’shall：andmyfriendheregrewdreadfullyred，andbegantwiddlinghislongringletsinhisfingers，andexaminingveryeagerlythecontentsofhisplate。

Oh，no：MadamelaBaronnemeansMistressBaroness。myhusbandwasBaron，andIamBaroness。

What！’aveIthehonor——Ibegyourpardon，ma’am——isyourladyshipaBaroness，andInotknowit？prayexcusemeforcallingyouma’am。

TheBaronesssmiledmostgraciously——withsuchalookasJunocastuponunfortunateJupiterwhenshewishedtogainherwickedendsuponhim——theBaronesssmiled。and，stealingherhandintoablackvelvetbag，drewfromitanivorycard-case，andfromtheivorycard-caseextractedaglazedcard，printedingold。onitwasengravedacoronet，andunderthecoronetthewordsBARONNEDEFLORVAL-DELVAL，NEEDEMELVAL-NORVAL。

RueTaitbout。

ThegrandPittdiamond——theQueen’sownstarofthegarter——asampleofotto-of-rosesataguineaadrop，wouldnotbehandledmorecuriously，ormorerespectfully，thanthisporcelaincardoftheBaroness。TremblingheputitintohislittleRussia-leatherpocket-book：andwhenheventuredtolookup，andsawtheeyesoftheBaronessdeFlorval-Delval，needeMelval-Norval，gazinguponhimwithfriendlyandsereneglances，athrillofpridetingledthroughPogson’sblood：hefelthimselftobetheveryhappiestfellowontheContinent。

ButPogsondidnot，forsometime，venturetoresumethatsprightlyandelegantfamiliaritywhichgenerallyformsthegreatcharmofhisconversation：hewastoomuchfrightenedatthepresencehewasin，andcontentedhimselfbygracefulandsolemnbows，deepattention，andejaculationsofYes，mylady，andNo，yourladyship，forsomeminutesafterthediscoveryhadbeenmade。

Pogsonpiquedhimselfonhisbreeding：Ihatethearistocracy，

hesaid，butthat’snoreasonwhyIshouldn’tbehavelikeagentleman。

Asurly，silentlittlegentleman，whohadbeenthethirdattheordinary，andwouldtakenoparteitherintheconversationorinPogson’schampagne，nowtookuphishat，and，grunting，lefttheroom，whenthehappybagmanhadthedelightofatete-a-tete。TheBaronessdidnotappearinclinedtomove：itwascold。afirewascomfortable，andshehadorderednoneinherapartment。MightPogsongiveheronemoreglassofchampagne，orwouldherladyshipprefersomethinghot。Herladyshipgravelysaid，shenevertookANYTHINGhot。Somechampagne，then。aleetledrop？Shewould！

shewould！Ogods！howPogson’shandshookashefilledandofferedhertheglass！

WhattookplaceduringtherestoftheeveninghadbetterbedescribedbyMr。Pogsonhimself，whohasgivenuspermissiontopublishhisletter。

QUILLACQ’SHOTEL(pronouncedKILLYAX)，CALAIS。

DEARTIT，——IarrivedatCally，astheycallit，thisday，or，rather，yesterday。foritispastmidnight，asIsitthinkingofawonderfuladventurethathasjustbefallenme。Awomanincourse。

that’salwaysthecasewithME，youknow：butoh，Tit！ifyouCOULD

butseeher！OfthefirstfamilyinFrance，theFlorval-Delvals，beautifulasanangel，andnomorecaringformoneythanIdoforsplitpeas。

I’lltellyouhowitoccurred。EverybodyinFrance，youknow，dinesattheordinary——it’squitedistangytodoso。Therewasonlythreeofusto-day，however，——theBaroness，me，andagent，whoneverspokeaword。andwedidn’twanthimto，neither：doyoumarkthat？

Youknowmywaywiththewomen：champagne’sthething。make’emdrink，make’emtalk——make’emtalk，make’emdoanything。SoI

ordersabottle，asifformyself。and，’Ma’am，’saysI，’willyoutakeaglassofSham——justone？’Takeitshedid——foryouknowit’squitedistangyhere：everybodydinesatthetabledehote，andeverybodyacceptseverybody’swine。BobIrons，whotravelsinlinenonourcircuit，toldmethathehadmadesomeslap-upacquaintancesamongthegenteelestpeopleatParis，nothingbutbyofferingthemSham。

Well，myBaronesstakesoneglass，twoglasses，threeglasses——theoldfellowgoes——wehaveadealofchat(shetookmeforamilitaryman，shesaid：isitnotsingularthatsomanypeopleshould？)，andbyteno’clockwehadgrownsointimate，thatIhadfromherherwholehistory，knewwhereshecamefrom，andwhereshewasgoing。

Leavemealonewith’em：Icanfindoutanywoman’shistoryinhalfanhour。

AndwheredoyouthinksheISgoing？toParistobesure：shehasherseatinwhattheycallthecoopy(thoughyou’renotnearsocoopedinitasinourcoaches。I’vebeentotheofficeandseenoneof’em)。Shehasherplaceinthecoopy，andthecoopyholdsTHREE。sowhatdoesSamPogsondo？——hegoesandtakestheothertwo。Ain’tIuptoathingortwo？Oh，no，nottheleast。butI

shallhavehertomyselfthewholeoftheway。

WeshallbeintheFrenchmetropolisthedayafterthisreachesyou：pleaselookoutforahandsomelodgingforme，andnevermindtheexpense。AndIsay，ifyoucould，inherhearing，whenyoucamedowntothecoach，callmeCaptainPogson，Iwishyouwould——

itsoundswelltravelling，youknow。andwhensheaskedmeifIwasnotanofficer，Icouldn’tsayno。Adieu，then，mydearfellow，tillMonday，andvivelejoy，astheysay。TheBaronesssaysI

speakFrenchcharmingly，shetalksEnglishaswellasyouorI。

Youraffectionatefriend，S。Pogson。

Thisletterreachedusduly，inourgarrets，andweengagedsuchanapartmentforMr。Pogson，asbeseemedagentlemanofhisrankintheworldandthearmy。Attheappointedhour，too，werepairedtotheDiligenceoffice，andtherebeheldthearrivalofthemachinewhichcontainedhimandhislovelyBaroness。

Thosewhohavemuchfrequentedthesocietyofgentlemenofhisprofession(andwhatmoredelightful？)mustbeaware，that，whenalltherestofmankindlookhideous，dirty，peevish，wretched，afterafortyhours’coach-journey，abagmanappearsasgayandspruceaswhenhestarted。havingwithinhimselfathousandlittleconveniencesforthevoyage，whichcommontravellersneglect。

Pogsonhadalittleportabletoilet，ofwhichhehadnotfailedtotakeadvantage，andwithhislong，curling，flaxenhair，flowingunderaseal-skincap，withagoldtassel，withablueandgoldsatinhandkerchief，acrimsonvelvetwaistcoat，alightgreencut-

awaycoat，apairofbarredbrickdust-coloredpantaloons，andaneatmackintosh，presented，altogether，aselegantanddistingueanappearanceasanyonecoulddesire。Hehadputonacleancollaratbreakfast，andapairofwhitekidsasheenteredthebarrier，andlooked，asherushedintomyarms，morelikeamansteppingoutofaband-box，thanonedescendingfromavehiclethathasjustperformedoneofthelaziest，dullest，flattest，stalest，dirtiestjourneysinEurope。

Tomysurprise，therewereTWOladiesinthecoachwithmyfriend，andnotONE，asIhadexpected。Oneofthese，astoutfemale，carryingsundrybaskets，bags，umbrellas，andwoman’swraps，wasevidentlyamaid-servant：theother，inblack，wasPogson’sfairone，evidently。Icouldseeagleamofcurl-papersoverasallowface，——ofaduskynightcapflappingoverthecurl-papers，——butthesewerehiddenbyalaceveilandahugevelvetbonnet，ofwhichthecrowningbirds-of-paradisewereevidentlyinamoultingstate。

Shewasencasedinmanyshawlsandwrappers。sheput，hesitatingly，aprettylittlefootoutofthecarriage——Pogsonwasbyhersideinaninstant，and，gallantlyputtingoneofhiswhitekidsroundherwaist，aidedthisinterestingcreaturetodescend。Isaw，byherwalk，thatshewasfive-and-forty，andthatmylittlePogsonwasalostman。

Aftersomebriefparleybetweenthem——inwhichitwascharmingtohearhowmyfriendSamuelWOULDspeak，whathecalledFrench，toaladywhocouldnotunderstandonesyllableofhisjargon——themutualhackney-coachesdrewup。MadamelaBaronnewavedtotheCaptainagracefulFrenchcurtsy。Adyou！saidSamuel，andwavedhislilyhand。Adyou-addimang。

Abrisklittlegentleman，whohadmadethejourneyinthesamecoachwithPogson，buthadmoremodestlytakenaseatintheImperial，herepassedus，andgreetedmewithaHowd’yedo？Hehadshoulderedhisownlittlevalise，andwastrudgingoff，scatteringacloudofcommissionaires，whowouldfainhavesparedhimthetrouble。

Doyouknowthatchap？saysPogson。surlyfellow，ain’the？

Thekindestmaninexistence，answeredI。alltheworldknowslittleMajorBritish。

He’saMajor，ishe？——why，that’sthefellowthatdinedwithusatKillyax’s。it’sluckyIdidnotcallmyselfCaptainbeforehim，hemightn’thavelikedit，youknow：andthenSamfellintoareverie——whatwasthesubjectofhisthoughtssoonappeared。

DidyoueverSEEsuchafootandankle？saidSam，aftersittingforsometime，regardlessofthenoveltyofthescene，hishandsinhispockets，plungedinthedeepestthought。

ISN’Tsheaslap-upwoman，eh，now？pursuedhe。andbeganenumeratingherattractions，asahorse-jockeywouldthepointsofafavoriteanimal。

Youseemtohavegoneaprettylengthalready，saidI，bypromisingtovisitherto-morrow。

Agoodlength？——Ibelieveyou。LeaveMEaloneforthat。

ButIthoughtyouwereonlytobetwointhecoupe，youwickedrogue。

Twointhecoopy？Oh！ah！yes，youknow——why，thatis，Ididn’tknowshehadhermaidwithher(whatanassIwastothinkofanoblewomantravellingwithoutone！)andcouldn’t，incourse，refuse，whensheaskedmetoletthemaidin。

Ofcoursenot。

Couldn’t，youknow，asamanofhonor。butImadeupforallthat，saidPogson，winkingslyly，andputtinghishandtohislittlebunchofanose，inaveryknowingway。

Youdid，andhow？

Why，youdog，Isatnexttoher。satinthemiddlethewholeway，andmyback’shalfbroke，Icantellyou：andthus，havingdepictedhishappiness，wesoonreachedtheinnwherethisback-

brokenyoungmanwastolodgeduringhisstayinParis。

Thenextdayatfivewemet。Mr。PogsonhadseenhisBaroness，anddescribedherlodgings，inhisownexpressiveway，asslap-up。

Shehadreceivedhimquitelikeanoldfriend。treatedhimtoeausucree，ofwhichbeverageheexpressedhimselfagreatadmirer。andactuallyaskedhimtodinethenextday。Buttherewasacloudovertheingenuousyouth’sbrow，andIinquiredstillfarther。

Why，saidhe，withasigh，Ithoughtshewasawidow。and，hangit！whoshouldcomeinbutherhusbandtheBaron：abigfellow，sir，withabluecoat，aredribbing，andSUCHapairofmustachios！

Well，saidI，hedidn’tturnyouout，Isuppose？

Oh，no！onthecontrary，askindaspossible。hislordshipsaidthatherespectedtheEnglisharmy。askedmewhatcorpsIwasin，——

saidhehadfoughtinSpainagainstus，——andmademewelcome。

Whatcouldyouwantmore？

Mr。Pogsonatthisonlywhistled。andifsomeveryprofoundobserverofhumannaturehadbeentheretoreadintothislittlebagman’sheart，itwould，perhaps，havebeenmanifest，thattheappearanceofawhiskeredsoldierofahusbandhadcounteractedsomeplansthattheyoungscoundrelwasconcocting。

Iliveupahundredandthirty-sevenstepsintheremotequarteroftheLuxembourg，anditisnottobeexpectedthatsuchafashionablefellowasSamPogson，withhispocketsfullofmoney，andanewcitytosee，shouldbealwayswanderingtomydullquarters。sothat，althoughhedidnotmakehisappearanceforsometime，hemustnotbeaccusedofanyluke-warmnessoffriendshiponthatscore。

Hewasout，too，whenIcalledathishotel。butonce，Ihadthegoodfortunetoseehim，withhishatcuriouslyononeside，lookingaspleasedasPunch，andbeingdriven，inanopencab，intheChampsElysees。That’sANOTHERtip-topchap，saidhe，whenwemet，atlength。WhatdoyouthinkofanEarl’sson，myboy？

HonorableTomRingwood，sonoftheEarlofCinqbars：whatdoyouthinkofthat，eh？

Ithoughthewasgettingintoverygoodsociety。Samwasadashingfellow，andwasalwaysabovehisownlineoflife。hehadmetMr。

RingwoodattheBaron’s，andthey’dbeentotheplaytogether。andthehonorablegent，asSamcalledhim，hadjokedwithhimaboutbeingwelltodoINACERTAINQUARTER。andhehadhadagameofbilliardswiththeBaron，attheEstaminy，averydistangyplace，whereyousmoke，saidSam。quiteselect，andfrequentedbythetip-topnobility。andtheywereasthickaspeasinashell。andtheyweretodinethatdayatRingwood’s，andsup，thenextnight，withtheBaroness。

Ithinkthechapsdowntheroadwillstare，saidSam，whentheyhearhowI’vebeencomingit。Andstare，nodoubt，theywould。

foritiscertainthatveryfewcommercialgentlemenhavehadMr。

Pogson’sadvantages。

Thenextmorningwehadmadeanarrangementtogooutshoppingtogether，andtopurchasesomearticlesoffemalegear，thatSamintendedtobestowonhisrelationswhenhereturned。Sevenneedle-books，forhissisters。agiltbuckle，forhismamma。ahandsomeFrenchcashmereshawlandbonnet，forhisaunt(theoldladykeepsaninnintheBorough，andhasplentyofmoney，andnoheirs)。andatoothpickcase，forhisfather。Samisagoodfellowtoallhisrelations，andasforhisaunt，headoresher。Well，weweretogoandmakethesepurchases，andIarrivedpunctuallyatmytime。butSamwasstretchedonasofa，verypaleanddismal。

Isawhowithadbeen——AlittletoomuchofMr。Ringwood’sclaret，Isuppose？

Heonlygaveasicklystare。

WheredoestheHonorableTomlive？saysI。

HONORABLE！saysSam，withahollow，horridlaugh。Itellyou，Tit，he’snomoreHonorablethanyouare。

What，animpostor？

No，no。notthat。HeisarealHonorable，only——

Oh，ho！Ismellarat——alittlejealous，eh？

Jealousybehanged！Itellyouhe’sathief。andtheBaron’sathief。and，hangme，ifIthinkhiswifeisanybetter。Eight-and-

thirtypoundshewonofmebeforesupper。andmademedrunk，andsentmehome：——isTHAThonorable？HowcanIaffordtolosefortypounds？It’stookmetwoyearstosaveitup——ifmyoldauntgetswindofit，she’llcutmeoffwithashilling：hangme！——andhereSam，inanagony，torehisfairhair。

Whilebewailinghislotinthislamentablestrain，hisbellwasrung，whichsignalbeingansweredbyasurlyComein，atall，veryfashionablegentleman，withafurcoat，andafiercetufttohischin，enteredtheroom。Pogsonmybuck，howgoesit？saidhe，familiarly，andgaveastareatme：Iwasmakingformyhat。

Don’tgo，saidSam，rathereagerly。andIsatdownagain。

TheHonorableMr。Ringwoodhummedandha’d：and，atlast，saidhewishedtospeaktoMr。Pogsononbusiness，inprivate，ifpossible。

There’snosecretsbetwixtmeandmyfriend，criedSam。

Mr。Ringwoodpausedalittle：——Anawkwardbusinessthatoflastnight，atlengthexclaimedhe。

IbelieveitWASanawkwardbusiness，saidSam，dryly。

Ireallyamverysorryforyourlosses。

Thankyou：andsoamI，Icantellyou，saidSam。

Youmustmind，mygoodfellow，andnotdrink。for，whenyoudrink，youWILLplayhigh：byGad，youledUSin，andnotweyou。

Idaresay，answeredSam，withsomethingofpeevishness。lossesislosses：there’snousetalkingabout’emwhenthey’reoverandpaid。

Andpaid？herewonderinglyspokeMr。Ringwood。why，mydearfel——

whatthedeuce——hasFlorvalbeenwithyou？

D——Florval！growledSam，I’veneverseteyesonhisfacesincelastnight。andneverwishtoseehimagain。

Come，come，enoughofthistalk。howdoyouintendtosettlethebillswhichyougavehimlastnight？

BillsIwhatdoyoumean？

Imean，sir，thesebills，saidtheHonorableTom，producingtwooutofhispocket-book，andlookingassternasalion。’I

promisetopay，ondemand，totheBarondeFlorval，thesumoffourhundredpounds。October20，1838。’’TendaysafterdateIpromisetopaytheBarondeetcaeteraetcaetera，onehundredandninety-

eightpounds。SamuelPogson。’Youdidn’tsaywhatregimentyouwerein。

WHAT！shoutedpoorSam，asfromadream，startingupandlookingpreternaturallypaleandhideous。

D——it，sir，youdon’taffectignorance：youdon’tpretendnottorememberthatyousignedthesebills，formoneylostinmyrooms：

moneyLENTtoyou，byMadamedeFlorval，atyourownrequest，andlosttoherhusband？Youdon’tsuppose，sir，thatIshallbesuchaninfernalidiotastobelieveyou，orsuchacowardastoputupwithameansubterfugeofthissort。Willyou，orwillyounot，paythemoney，sir？

Iwillnot，saidSam，stoutly。it’sad——dswin——

HereMr。Ringwoodsprungup，clenchinghisriding-whip，andlookingsofiercethatSamandIboundedbacktotheotherendoftheroom。

Utterthatwordagain，and，byheaven，I’llmurderyou！shoutedMr。Ringwood，andlookedasifhewould，too：oncemore，willyou，orwillyounot，paythismoney？

Ican’t，saidSamfaintly。

I’llcallagain，CaptainPogson，saidMr。Ringwood，I’llcallagaininonehour。and，unlessyoucometosomearrangement，youmustmeetmyfriend，theBarondeFlorval，orI’llpostyouforaswindlerandacoward。Withthishewentout：thedoorthunderedtoafterhim，andwhentheclinkofhisstepsdepartinghadsubsided，IwasenabledtolookroundatPog。Thepoorlittlemanhadhiselbowsonthemarbletable，hisheadbetweenhishands，andlooked，asonehasseengentlemenlookoverasteam-vesseloffRamsgate，thewindblowingremarkablyfresh：atlasthefairlyburstoutcrying。

IfMrs。Pogsonheardofthis，saidI，whatwouldbecomeofthe’ThreeTuns？’(forIwishedtogivehimalesson)。IfyourMa，whotookyoueverySundaytomeeting，shouldknowthatherboywaspayingattentiontomarriedwomen——ifDrench，GlauberandCo。，youremployers，weretoknowthattheirconfidentialagentwasagambler，andunfittobetrustedwiththeirmoney，howlongdoyouthinkyourconnectionwouldlastwiththem，andwhowouldafterwardsemployyou？

TothispoorPoghadnotawordofanswer。butsatonhissofawhimperingsobitterly，thatthesternestofmoralistswouldhaverelentedtowardshim，andwouldhavebeentouchedbythelittlewretch’stears。Everything，too，mustbepleadedinexcuseforthisunfortunatebagman：who，ifhewishedtopassforacaptain，hadonlydonesobecausehehadanintenserespectandlongingforrank：ifhehadmadelovetotheBaroness，hadonlydonesobecausehewasgiventounderstandbyLordByron’sDonJuanthatmakinglovewasaverycorrect，nattything：andifhehadgambled，hadonlybeeninducedtodosobythebrighteyesandexampleoftheBaronandtheBaroness。OyeBaronsandBaronessesofEngland！ifyeknewwhatanumberofsmallcommonersaredailyoccupiedinstudyingyourlives，andimitatingyouraristocraticways，howcarefulwouldyebeofyourmorals，manners，andconversation！

Mysoulwasfilled，then，withagentleyearningpityforPogson，andrevolvedmanyplansforhisrescue：noneoftheseseemingtobepracticable，atlastwehitontheverywisestofall，anddeterminedtoapplyforcounseltonolessapersonthanMajorBritish。

Ablessingitistobeacquaintedwithmyworthyfriend，littleMajorBritish。andheaven，sure，itwasthatputtheMajorintomyhead，whenIheardofthisawkwardscrapeofpoorFog’s。TheMajorisonhalf-pay，andoccupiesamodestapartmentauquatrieme，intheveryhotelwhichPogsonhadpatronizedatmysuggestion。

indeed，IhadchosenitfromMajorBritish’sownpeculiarrecommendation。

ThereisnobetterguidetofollowthansuchacharacterasthehonestMajor，ofwhomtherearemanylikenessesnowscatteredovertheContinentofEurope：menwholovetolivewell，andareforcedtolivecheaply，andwhofindtheEnglishabroadathousandtimeseasier，merrier，andmorehospitablethanthesamepersonsathome。

I，formypart，neverlandedonCalaispierwithoutfeelingthataloadofsorrowswasleftontheothersideofthewater。andhavealwaysfanciedthatblackcaresteppedonboardthesteamer，alongwiththecustom-houseofficersatGravesend，andaccompaniedonetoyonderblacklouringtowersofLondon——sobusy，sodismal，andsovast。

Britishwouldhavecutanyforeigner’sthroatwhoventuredtosaysomuch，butentertained，nodoubt，privatesentimentsofthisnature。forhepassedeightmonthsoftheyear，regularly，abroad，withheadquartersatParis(thegarretsbeforealludedto)，andonlywenttoEnglandforthemonth’sshooting，onthegroundsofhisoldcolonel，nowanoldlord，ofwhoseacquaintancetheMajorwaspassablyinclinedtoboast。

Helovedandrespected，likeagoodstaunchToryasheis，everyoneoftheEnglishnobility。gavehimselfcertainlittleairsofamanoffashion，thatwerebynomeansdisagreeable。andwas，indeed，kindlyregardedbysuchEnglisharistocracyashemet，inhislittleannualtoursamongtheGermancourts，inItalyorinParis，wherehenevermissedanambassador’snight：heretailedtous，whodidn’tgo，butweredelightedtoknowallthathadtakenplace，accurateaccountsofthedishes，thedresses，andthescandalwhichhadtherefallenunderhisobservation。

Heis，moreover，oneofthemostusefulpersonsinsocietythatcanpossiblybe。forbesidesbeingincorrigiblyduelsomeonhisownaccount，heis，forothers，themostacuteandpeaceablecounsellorintheworld，andhascarriedmorefriendsthroughscrapesandpreventedmoredeathsthananymemberoftheHumaneSociety。

Britishneverboughtasinglestepinthearmy，asiswellknown。

In’14hekilledacelebratedFrenchfire-eater，，whohadslainayoungfriendofhis，andliving，ashedoes，agreatdealwithyoungmenofpleasure，andgoodoldsoberfamilypeople，heislovedbythembothandhasaswelcomeaplacemadeforhimataroaringbachelor’ssupperattheCafeAnglais，asatastaiddowager’sdinner-tableintheFaubourgSt。Honore。Suchpleasantoldboysareveryprofitableacquaintances，letmetellyou。andluckyistheyoungmanwhohasoneortwosuchfriendsinhislist。

HurryingonFogsoninhisdress，Iconductedhim，panting，uptotheMajor’squatrieme，wherewewerecheerfullybiddentocomein。

Thelittlegentlemanwasinhistravellingjacket，andoccupiedinpainting，elegantly，oneofthosenattypairsofbootsinwhichhedailypromenadedtheBoulevards。Acoupleofpairsoftoughbuffgloveshadbeenundergoingsomepipe-clayingoperationunderhishands。nomansteppedoutsospickandspan，withahatsonicelybrushed，withastiffcravattiedsoneatlyunderafatlittleredface，withabluefrock-coatsoscrupulouslyfittedtoapunchylittleperson，asMajorBritish，aboutwhomwehavewrittenthesetwopages。Hestaredratherhardlyatmycompanion，butgavemeakindshakeofthehand，andweproceededatoncetobusiness。

MajorBritish，saidI，wewantyouradviceinregardtoanunpleasantaffairwhichhasjustoccurredtomyfriendPogson。

Pogson，takeachair。

Youmustknow，sir，thatMr。Pogson，comingfromCalaistheotherday，encountered，inthediligence，averyhandsomewoman。

BritishwinkedatPogson，who，wretchedashewas，couldnothelpfeelingpleased。

Mr。Pogsonwasnotmorepleasedwiththislovelycreaturethanwasshewithhim。for，itappears，shegavehimhercard，invitedhimtoherhouse，wherehehasbeenconstantly，andhasbeenreceivedwithmuchkindness。

Isee，saysBritish。

HerhusbandtheBaron——

NOWit’scoming，saidtheMajor，withagrin：herhusbandisjealous，Isuppose，andthereisatalkoftheBoisdeBoulogne：mydearsir，youcan’trefuse——can’trefuse。

It’snotthat，saidPogson，wagginghisheadpassionately。

HerhusbandtheBaronseemedquiteasmuchtakenwithPogsonashisladywas，andhasintroducedhimtosomeverydistinguefriendsofhisownset。LastnightoneoftheBaron’sfriendsgaveapartyinhonorofmyfriendPogson，wholostforty-eightpoundsatcardsBEFOREhewasmadedrunk，andheavenknowshowmuchafter。

Notashilling，bysacredheaven！——notashilling！yelledoutPogson。AfterthesupperI’adsuchan’eadach’，Icouldn’tdoanythingbutfallasleeponthesofa。

You’adsuchan’eadach’，sir，saysBritish，sternly，whopiqueshimselfonhisgrammarandpronunciation，andscornsacockney。

SuchaH-eadache，sir，repliedPogson，withmuchmeekness。

Theunfortunatemanisbroughthomeattwoo’clock，astipsyaspossible，draggedupstairs，senseless，tobed，and，onwaking，receivesavisitfromhisentertainerofthenightbefore——alord’sson，Major，atip-topfellow，——whobringsacoupleofbillsthatmyfriendPogsonissaidtohavesigned。

Well，mydearfellow，thething’squitesimple，——hemustpaythem。

Ican’tpaythem。

Hecan’tpaythem，saidwebothinabreath：Pogsonisacommercialtraveller，withthirtyshillingsaweek，andhowthedeuceishetopayfivehundredpounds？

Abagman，sir！andwhatrighthasabagmantogamble？Gentlemengamble，sir。tradesmen，sir，havenobusinesswiththeamusementsofthegentry。Whatbusinesshadyouwithbaronsandlords’sons，sir？——serveyouright，sir。

Sir，saysPogson，withsomedignity，merit，andnotbirth，isthecriterionofaman：Idespiseanhereditaryaristocracy，andadmireonlyNature’sgentlemen。Formypart，IthinkthataBritishmerch——

Holdyourtongue，sir，bouncedouttheMajor，anddon’tlectureme。don’tcometome，sir，withyourslangaboutNature’sgentlemen——Nature’stomfools，sir！DidNatureopenacashaccountforyouatabanker’s，sir？DidNaturegiveyouaneducation，sir？

WhatdoyoumeanbycompetingwithpeopletowhomNaturehasgivenallthesethings？Sticktoyourbags，Mr。Pogson，andyourbagmen，andleavebaronsandtheirliketotheirownways。

Yes，but，Major，herecriedthatfaithfulfriend，whohasalwaysstoodbyPogson。theywon’tleavehimalone。

ThehonorablegentsaysImustfightifIdon’tpay，whimperedSam。

What！fightYOU？Doyoumeanthatthehonorablegent，asyoucallhim，willgooutwithabagman？

Hedoesn’tknowI’ma——I’macommercialman，blushinglysaidSam：

hefanciesI’mamilitarygent。