第40章

gaintheimpressionthatthepairofusaresittingplungedinavoidofdarknesswherelifedoesnotexist，yetwherewearedestinedtobeginlife。

“However，themanwasalibertineandadrunkard，andmanyariotousnightdidhespendwithhiscroniesintheporter’slodgeoftheconvent。Also，hetriedtoarouseasimilartasteinmyself；andthoughforatimeIresistedthetendency，Iatlength，onhistakingtobeatingme，yielded。Onlyforoneman，however，hadIreallyaliking；andwithhimitwas，andnotwithmyhusband，thatIfirstlearntthemeaningofspousehood……

Unfortunately，myloverhimselfwasmarried；andintimehiswifecametohearofme，andprocuredmyhusband’sdismissal。Thechiefreasonwasthatthelady，apersonofgreatwealth，washerselfhandsome，albeitstout，anddidnotcaretoseeherplaceassumedbyanobody。Next，myhusbanddiedofdrink；andasmyfatherhadlongbeendead，andIfoundmyselfalone，Iwenttoseeandconsultmystepmother。Allthatshesaid，however，was:

’Whycometome？Goandthinkthingsoutforyourself。’AndItoothenreflected:’Yes，whyshouldIhavegonetoher？’andrepairedtotheconvent。Yeteventherethereseemedtobenoplaceleftforme，andeventuallyoldMotherTaisia，whohadoncebeenmygoverness，said:’Tatiana，doyoureturntotheworld，forthere，andonlythere，willyouhaveachanceofhappiness。

SototheworldIreturned——andstillamroamingit。“

“Yourquestofhappinessisnotfollowinganeasyroad！“

“Itisfollowingtheroadthatitbestcan。“

Bynowthedarknesshasceasedtokeepspreadoverus，asitwere，thestretchedwebofaheavycurtain，buthasgrownthinnerandmoretransparentwiththetension，savethat，inplaces(forinstance，inthewindowofthehut)，itstillliesinthickfoldsorclotsasitpeersatuswithitssightlesseyes。

Overthehummock-likeroofsofthehutsrisethechurch’ssteepleandthepoplartrees；whilehitherandthitheronthewallofthehut，thecracksandholesinthecrumblingplasterhavecausedthewalltoresemblethemapofanunknowncountry。

Glancingatthewoman’sdarkeyes，Iperceivethemtobeshiningaspensively，innocentlyastheeyesofayoungmaiden。

“Youareindeedacuriouswoman！“Iremark。

“PerhapsIam，“sherepliesasshemoistensherlipswithaslender，almostfelinetongue。

“Whatareyoureallyseeking？“

“Ihaveconsideredthematter，andknow，atlast，mymind。Itisthis:Ihopesomedaytofallinwithagoodmuzhikwithwhomtogoinsearchofland。Probablylandofthekind，Imean，istobefoundintheneighbourhoodofNewAthos，[AmonasteryintheCaucasus，builtonthereputedsiteofacavetenantedbySimeontheCanaanite]forIhavebeentherealready，andknowofa

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