第13章

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Andthenwebrokedown。WebrokeourfaithwithbothMargaretandShoesmith，flungcareeranddutyoutofourlives，andwentawaytogether。

Itisonlynow，almostayearaftertheseevents，thatIcanbegintoseewhathappenedtome。AtthetimeitseemedtomeIwasarational，responsiblecreature，butindeedIhadnotpartedfromhertwodaysbeforeIbecameamonomaniactowhomnothingcouldmatterbutIsabel。Everytruthhadtobesquaredtothatobsession，everyduty。ItastoundsmetothinkhowIforgotMargaret，forgotmywork，forgoteverythingbutthatwetwowereparted。Istillbelievethatwithbetterchanceswemighthaveescapedtheconsequencesoftheemotionalstormthatpresentlyseizedusboth。

Butwehadnoforesightofthat，andnopreparationforit，andourcircumstancesbetrayedus。ItwaspartlyShoesmith\'sunwisdomindelayinghismarriageuntilaftertheendofthesession——partlymyownamazingfollyinreturningwithinfourdaystoWestminster。Butwewereallofusintentuponthedefeatofscandalandthecompleterestorationofappearances。ItseemednecessarythatShoesmith\'smarriageshouldnotseemtobehurried，stillmorenecessarythatI

shouldnotvanishinexplicably。IhadtobevisiblewithMargaretinLondonjustasmuchaspossible；wewenttorestaurants，wevisitedthetheatre；wecouldevencontemplatethepossibilityofmypresenceatthewedding。Forthat，however，wehadschemedaweekendvisittoWales，andafictitioussprainedankleatthelastmomentwhichwouldjustifymyabsence……

IcannotconveytoyoutheintolerablewretchednessandrebellionofmyseparationfromIsabel。ItseemedthatinthepasttwoyearsallmythoughtshadspuncommisurestoIsabel\'sbrainandIcouldthinkofnothingthatdidnotleadmesurelytotheneedoftheoneintimateIhadfoundintheworld。IcamebacktotheHouseandtheofficeandmyhome，Ifilledallmydayswithappointmentsandduty，anditdidnotsavemeintheleastfromalonelyemptinesssuchasIhadneverfeltbeforeinallmylife。Ihadlittlesleep。InthedaytimeIdidahundredthings，IevenspokeintheHouseontwooccasions，andbymyownlowstandardsspokewell，anditseemedtomethatIwasgoingaboutinmyownbrainlikeahushedsurvivorinahousewhoseownerliesdeadupstairs。

IcametoacrisisafterthatwilddinnerofTarvrille\'s。Somethinginthatstrippedmysoulbare。

Itwasanoccasionmadeabsurdandstrangebytheoddaccidentthatthehousecaughtfireupstairswhilewewerediningbelow。Itwasamen\'sdinner——"Adinnerofallsorts，"saidTarvrille，whenheinvitedme；"everythingfromEveshamandGanetoWilkinstheauthor，andHeavenknowswhatwillhappen！"IrememberthatafterwardsTarvrillewasaccusedofhavingplannedthefiretomakehisdinneramarvelandamemory。Itwasindeedawonderfuloccasion，andI

supposeifIhadnotbeenaltogetherdrenchedinmisery，Ishouldhavefoundthesamewildamusementinitthatglowedinalltheothers。Therewereoneortwouniversitydons，LordGeorgeFester，theracingman，Panmure，theartist，twoorthreebigCitymen，WestonMassinghayandanotherprominentLiberalwhosenameIcan\'tremember，thethreemenTarvrillehadpromisedandEsmeer，LordWrassleton，Waulsort，thememberforMonckton，Nealandseveralothers。Webeganalittlecoldly，withduologues，buttheconversationwasalreadybecominggeneral——sofarassuchalongtablepermitted——whenthefireasserteditself。

Itasserteditselffirstasapenetratingandemphaticsmellofburningrubber，——itwascausedbythefusingofanelectricwire。

ThereekforceditswayintothediscussionofthePekinmassacresthathadsprungupbetweenEvesham，Waulsort，andtheothersattheendofthetable。"Somethingburning，"saidthemannexttome。

"Somethingmustbeburning，"saidPanmure。

Tarvrillehatedundignifiedinterruptions。Hehadaparticularlyimperturbablebutlerwithacadaveroussadfaceandaneyeofrigiddisapproval。Hespoketothisindividualoverhisshoulder。"Justsee，willyou，"hesaid，andcaughtupthepauseinthetalktohisleft。

Wilkinswasaskingquestions，andI，too，wascurious。ThestoryofthesiegeoftheLegationsinChinaintheyear1900andallthatfolloweduponthat，isjustoneofthosedisturbinginterludesinhistorythatrefusetojoinontothatgeneralschemeofprotestationbywhichcivilisationismaintained。ItisabreakinthegeneralflowofexperienceasdisconcertingtostatecraftastherobberyofmyknifeandthescufflethatfollowedithadbeentomewhenIwasaboyatPenge。Itislikeatearinacurtainrevealingquiteunexpectedbackgrounds。Ihadnevergiventhebusinessathoughtforyears；nowthistalkbroughtbackastringofpicturestomymind；howthereliefsarrivedandtheplunderingbegan，howsectionaftersectionoftheInternationalArmywasdrawnintomurderandpillage，howtheinfectionspreadupwarduntilthewivesofMinisterswerebusylooting，andtheverysentinelsstrippedandcrawledlikesnakesintothePalacetheyweresettoguard。Itdidnotstopatrobbery，menweremurdered，women，beingplundered，wereoutraged，childrenwerebutchered，strongmenhadfoundthemselveswitharmsinalawless，defencelesscity，andthishadfollowed。

Nowitwasallrecalled。

"Respectableladiesaddictedtodistrictvisitingathomewereasbadasanyone，"saidPanmure。"Glazebrooktoldmeofone——flushedlikeawomanatabargainsale，hesaid——andwhenhepointedouttoherthatthesilkshe\'dgotwasbloodstained，shejustsaid，\'Oh，bother！\'andthrewitasideandwentback……"

WebecameawarethatTarvrille\'sbutlerhadreturned。Wetriednottoseemtolisten。

"Begpardon，m\'lord，"hesaid。"ThehouseISonfire，m\'lord。"

"Upstairs，m\'lord。"

"Justoverhead，m\'lord。"

"Themaidsarethrowingwater，m\'lord，andI\'vetelephonedFIRE。"

"No，m\'lord，noimmediatedanger。"

"It\'sallright，"saidTarvrilletothetablegenerally。Goon！

It\'snotageneralconflagration，andthefirebrigadewon\'tbefiveminutes。Don\'tseethatit\'souraffair。Thestuff\'sinsured。

TheysayoldLadyPaskershortlywasdreadful。Likeaharpy。TheDowagerEmpresshadshownhersomelittlethingsofhers。Petthings——hiddenaway。Susanwentstraightforthem——usedtotakeanumbrellaforthesilks。Bornshoplifter。"

Itwasevidenthedidn\'twanthisdinnerspoilt，andweplayeduployally。

"Thisisrecordedhistory，"saidWilkins，——"practically。Itmakesonewonderaboutunrecordedhistory。InIndia，forexample。"

Butnobodytouchedthat。

"Thompson，"saidTarvrilletotheimperturbablebutler，andindicatingthetablegenerally，"champagne。Champagne。Keepitgoing。"

"M\'lord，"andThompsonmarshalledhisassistants。

SomemanIdidn\'tknowbegantorememberthingsaboutMandalay。

"It\'squeer，"hesaid，"howpeoplebreakoutattimes；"andtoldhisstoryofanarmydoctor，brave，public-spirited，and，asithappened，deeplyreligious，whowascaughtoneeveningbytheexcitementofplundering——andstoleandhid，twistedthewristofaboyuntilitbroke，andwasafterwardsovercomebywildremorse。

IwatchedEveshamlisteningintently。"Strange，"hesaid，"verystrange。Wearesuchstuffasthievesaremadeof。AndinChina，too，theymurderedpeople——forthesakeofmurdering。Apart，sotospeak，frommercenaryconsiderations。I\'mafraidthere\'snodoubtofitincertaincases。Nodoubtatall。YoungsoldiersfreshfromGermanhighschoolsandEnglishhomes！"

"DidOURpeople？"askedsomepatriot。

"Notsomuch。ButI\'mafraidtherewerecases……SomeoftheIndiantroopswereprettybad。"

Ganepickedupthetalewithconfirmations。

Itisallprintedinthevividestwayasapictureuponmymemory，sothatwereIapainterIthinkIcouldgivethedeeprichbrownsandwarmgreysbeyondthebrightlylittable，thevariousdistinguishedfaces，stronglyilluminated，interestedandkeen，abovetheblackandwhiteofeveningdress，thealertmenservantswiththeirheavier，clean-shavedfacesindistinctlyseeninthedimnessbehind。Thenthiswascolouredemotionallyformebymyachingsenseoflossandsacrifice，andbythechancetrendofourtalktothebreachesandunrealitiesofthecivilisedscheme。Weseemedalittletransitorycircleoflightinauniverseofdarknessandviolence；aneffecttowhichthediminishingsmellofburningrubber，thetramplingoffeetoverhead，theswishofwater，addedenormously。Everybody——unless，perhaps，itwasEvesham——drankrathercarelesslybecauseofthesuppressedexcitementofoursituation，andtalkedthelouderandmorefreely。

"Butwhataflimsythingourcivilisationis！"saidEvesham；"amerethinnetofhabitsandassociations！"

"Isupposethosemencameback，"saidWilkins。

"LadyPaskershortlydid！"chuckledEvesham。

"Howdotheyfititinwiththerestoftheirlives？"Wilkinsspeculated。"Isupposethere\'sPekin-stainedpoliceofficers，Pekin-stainedJ。P。\'s——tryingpettypilferersintheseverestmanner。"……

Thenforatimethingsbecamepreposterous。Therewasasuddencascadeofwaterbythefireplace，andthenabsurdlytheceilingbegantorainuponus，firstatthispointandthenthat。"Mynewsuit！"criedsomeone。"Perrrrrr-uppe-rr"——anewverticallineofblackenedwaterwouldestablishitselfandformaspreadingpooluponthegleamingcloth。Themennearestwouldarrangecatchmentareasofplatesandflowerbowls。"Drawup！"saidTarvrille，"drawup。That\'sthebadendofthetable！"Heturnedtotheimperturbablebutler。"Takeroundbathtowels，"hesaid；andpresentlythemenbehinduswereoffering——withinflexibledignity——

"Portwine，Sir。Bathtowel，Sir！"Waulsort，withstreaksofblackenedwateronhisforehead，wassuddenlyremindedofawetyearwhenhehadfollowedtheFrencharmymanoeuvres。AnanimateddisputesprangupbetweenhimandNealabouttherelativeefficiencyofthenewFrenchandGermanfieldguns。WrassletonjoinedinandalittledrunkenshrivelledOxforddonofsomesortwithablack-

splashedshirtfrontwhopresentlysilencedthemallbytheimmensityandparticularityofhisknowledgeoffieldartillery。

ThenthetalkdriftedtoSedanandtheeffectofdeadhorsesupondrinking-water，whichbroughtWrassletonandWestonMassinghayintoadisputeofgreatvigourandemphasis。"ThetroubleinSouthAfrica，"saidWestonMassinghay，"wasn\'tthatwedidn\'tboilourwater。Itwasthatwedidn\'tboilourmen。TheBoersdrankthesamestuffwedid。THEYdidn\'tgetdysentery。"

Thatargumentwentonforsometime。IwasattackedacrossthetablebyamannamedBurshortaboutmyEndowmentofMotherhoodschemes，butinthegapsofthatdebateIcouldstillhearWestonMassinghayatintervalsrepeatinaratherthickenedvoice："THEY

didn\'tgetdysentery。"

IthinkEveshamwentearly。Therestofusclusteredmoreandmorecloselytowardsthedrierendoftheroom，thetablewaspushedalong，andtheareabeneaththeextinguishedconflagrationabandonedtoatinkling，splashingcompanyofpotsandpansandbowlsandbaths。Everybodywasnowdisposedtobehilariousandnoisy，tosaystartlingandaggressivethings；wemusthavesoundedaqueerclamourtoalistenerinthenextroom。Thedevilinspiredthemtobeginbaitingme。"Oursisn\'ttheTorypartyanymore，"saidBurshort。"RemingtonhasmadeittheObstetricParty。"

"That\'sgood！"saidWestonMassinghay，withallhisteethgleaming；

"IshallusethatagainstyouintheHouse！"

"Ishalldenounceyouforabusingprivateconfidencesifyoudo，"

saidTarvrille。

"RemingtonwantsustogiveuplaunchingDreadnoughtsandlaunchbabiesinstead，"Burshorturged。"ForthepriceofoneDreadnought——"

Thelittleshrivelleddonwhohadbeenomniscientaboutgunsjoinedinthebaiting，anddisplayedhimselfavenomouscreature。

SomethinginhiseyestoldmeheknewIsabelandhatedmeforit。

"Loveandfinethinking，"hebegan，alittlethickly，andknockingoverawine-glasswithatooeasygesture。"Loveandfinethinking。

Twothingsdon\'tgotogether。Nophilosophyworthadamnevercameoutofexcessesoflove。SaltLakeCity——Piggott——Ag——Agapemoneagain——noworkstomatter。"

Everybodylaughed。

"Gottorec\'nisethesefacts，"saidmyassailant。"Loveandfinethink\'nprettyphrase——attractive。Suitableforp\'liticaldec\'rations。Postcard，Christmas，giltlets，inawreathofwhiteflow\'s。Nototh\'wisevalu\'ble。"

Imadesomeremark，Iforgetwhat，butheoverboreme。

RealthingswewantareHate——HateandCOARSEthink\'n。Ib\'longtotheschoolofMrs。F\'sAunt——"

"What？"saidsomeone，intent。

"In\'LittleDorrit，\'"explainedTarvrille；"goon！"

"Hateafool，"saidmyassailant。

Tarvrilleglancedatme。Ismiledtoconcealthelossofmytemper。

"Hate，"saidthelittleman，emphasisinghispointwithaclumsyfist。"Hate\'sthedrivingforce。What\'sm\'rality？——hateofrottengoingson。What\'spatriotism？——hateofint\'lopingforeigners。

What\'sRadicalism？——hateoflords。What\'sToryism？——hateofdisturbance。It\'sallhate——hatefromtoptobottom。Hateofamess。Remingtonownedittheotherday，saidhehatedamu\'ll。

Thereyouare！Ifyoucouldn\'tgethateintoanelection，damnit(hic)peoplewou\'n\'tpoll。Pollforlove！——no\'me！"

Hepaused，butbeforeanyonecouldspeakhehadresumed。

"Thenthisaboutfinethinking。Likegoingintoabearpitarmedwithatagle——talgent——talgentgalv\'nometer。LikegoingtofightamaddogwithShasepearandtheBible。Finethinking——whatwewantisthethickes\'thinkingwecanget。Thinkingthatstandsupalone。

TafReformmeansworkforall，thassortofthing。"

ThegentlemanfromCambridgepaused。"YOUaflag！"hesaid。"I\'dassoongotoba\'ellund\'wettissuepaper！"

Mybestansweronthespurofthemomentwas：

"TheJapanesedid。"Whichwasabsurd。

Iwentontosomeotherreply，Iforgetexactlywhat，andthetalkofthewholetabledrewroundme。Itwasanextraordinaryrevelationtome。Everyonewasunusuallycarelessandoutspoken，anditwasamazinghowmanifestlytheyechoedthefeelingofthisoldToryspokesman。Theywerequitefriendlytome，theyregardedmeandtheBLUEWEEKLYasvaluablepartyassetsforToryism，butitwascleartheyattachednomoreimportancetowhatweremyrealitiesthantheydidtotheremarkabletherapeuticclaimsofMrs。Eddy。

Theywereflushedandamused，perhapstheywentalittletoofarintheirresolvestodrawme，buttheylefttheimpressiononmymindofmenirrevocablysetuponnarrowandcynicalviewsofpoliticallife。Forthemthepoliticalstrugglewasagame，whosecounterswerehumanhateandhumancredulity；theirrealaimwasjusteveryone\'saim，thepreservationoftheclassandwayoflivingtowhichtheirliveswereattuned。TheydidnotknowhowtiredIwas，howexhaustedmentallyandmorally，norhowcrueltheirconvergentattackonmechancedtobe。Butmytempergaveway，Ibecametartandfierce，perhapsmyreplieswereatrifleabsurd，andTarvrille，withthatquickeyeandsympathyofhis，cametotherescue。ThenforatimeIsatsilentanddrankportwinewhiletheotherstalked。

Thedisorderoftheroom，thestilldrippingceiling，thenoise，thedisplacedtiesandcrumpledshirtsofmycompanions，jarredonmytormentednerves……

Itwaslongpastmidnightwhenwedispersed。IrememberTarvrillecomingwithmeintothehall，andthensuggestingweshouldgoupstairstoseethedamage。Amanservantcarrieduptwoflickeringcandlesforus。Oneendoftheroomwasgutted，curtains，hangings，severalchairsandtableswerecompletelyburnt，thepanellingwasscorchedandwarped，threesmashedwindowsmadethecandlesflareandgutter，andsomescrapsofbrokenchinastilllayonthepuddledfloor。

Aswesurveyedthis，LadyTarvrilleappeared，backfromsomeparty，aslender，white-cloaked，satin-footedfigurewithamazedblueeyesbeneathhergoldenhair。Irememberhowstupidlywelaughedathersurprise。

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IpartedfromPanmureatthecornerofAldingtonStreet，andwentmywayalone。ButIdidnotgohome，Iturnedwestwardandwalkedforalongway，andthenstrucknorthwardaimlessly。Iwastoomiserabletogotomyhouse。

IwanderedaboutthatnightlikeamanwhohasdiscoveredhisGodsaredead。Icanlookbacknowdetachedyetsympatheticuponthatwildconfusionofmoodsandimpulses，andbyitIthinkIcanunderstand，oh！halfthewrongdoingandblunderingintheworld。

IdonotfeelnowthelogicalforceoftheprocessthatmusthaveconvincedmethenthatIhadmademysacrificeandspentmystrengthinvain。AtnotimehadIbeenunderanyillusionthattheTorypartyhadhigheridealsthananyotherparty，yetitcametomelikeathingnewlydiscoveredthatthemenIhadtoworkwithhadforthemostpartnosuchdreams，nosenseofanycollectivepurpose，noatomofthefaithIheld。Theywerejustasimmediatelyintentuponpersonalends，justaslimitedbyhabitsofthought，asthemeninanyothergrouporparty。PerhapsIhadslippedunawaresforatimeintothedelusionsofapartyman——butIdonotthinkso。

No，itwasthemoodofprofounddespondencythathadfollowedupontheabruptcessationofmyfamiliarintercoursewithIsabel，thatgavethisfactthathadalwaysbeenpresentinmyminditsqualityofdevastatingrevelation。ItseemedasthoughIhadneverseenbeforenorsuspectedthestupendousgapbetweenthechaoticaims，theroutine，theconventionalacquiescences，thevulgarisationsofthepersonallife，andthatclearlyconsciousdevelopmentandserviceofacollectivethoughtandpurposeatwhichmyeffortsaimed。Ihadthoughtthembutalittlewayapart，andnowIsawtheywereseparatedbyallthedistancebetweenearthandheaven。I

sawnowinmyselfandeveryonearoundme，aconcentrationuponinterestscloseathand，aninabilitytodetachoneselffromtheprovocations，tendernesses，instinctivehates，dumblustsandshytimiditiesthattouchedoneateverypoint；and，saveforrareexaltedmoments，aregardlessnessofbroaderaimsandremoterpossibilitiesthatmadethewhitepassionofstatecraftseemasunearthlyandirrelevanttohumanlifeasthestoryanastronomerwilltell，halfprovenbutaltogetherincredible，ofhabitableplanetsandansweringintelligences，suns\'distancesuncountedacrossthedeep。ItseemedtomeIhadaspiredtoohighandthoughttoofar，hadmockedmyownlittlenessbypresumption，hadgiventheuttermostdearrealityoflifeforatheoriser\'sdream。

Allthroughthatwanderingagonyofminethatnightadozenthreadsofthoughtinterwove；nowIwasasoulspeakinginprotesttoGodagainstatasktoocoldandhighforit，andnowIwasanangryman，scornedandpointedupon，whohadletlifecheathimoftheultimateprideofhissoul。NowIwasthefoolofambition，whoopenedhisboxofgoldtofindblankemptiness，andnowIwasaspinnerofflimsythoughts，whosewebtoretoragsatatouch。IrealisedforthefirsttimehowmuchIhadcometodependuponthemindandfaithofIsabel，howshehadconfirmedmeandsustainedme，howlittlestrengthIhadtogoonwithourpurposesnowthatshehadvanishedfrommylife。Shehadbeentheincarnationofthosegreatabstractions，thesavingreality，thevoicethatansweredback。

Therewasnosupportthatnightinthethingsthathadbeen。Wewerealonetogetheronthecliffforevermore！——thatwasveryprettyinitsway，butithadnotruthwhateverthatcouldhelpmenow，noounceofsustainingvalue。IwantedIsabelthatnight，nosentimentormemoryofher，butIsabelalive，——totalktome，totouchme，toholdmetogether。Iwantedunendurablytheduskygentlenessofherpresence，theconsolationofhervoice。

Wewerealonetogetheronthecliff！Istartledapassingcabmanintointerestbylaughingaloudatthatmagnificentandcharacteristicsentimentality。Whatalieitwas，andhowsatisfyingithadbeen！Thatwasjustwhereweshouldn\'tremain。

Weofallpeoplehadnodistinctionfromthathumanitywhoselotistoforget。Weshouldgoouttootherinterests，newexperiences，newdemands。Thattallandintricatefabricofambitiousunderstandingswehadbuiltuptogetherinourintimacywouldbethefirsttogo；andlastperhapstoendurewithuswouldbeafewgrossmemoriesofsightsandsounds，andtrivialincidentalexcitements……

IhadacuriousfeelingthatnightthatIhadlosttouchwithlifeforalongtime，andhadnowbeenremindedofitsquality。Thatinfernallittledon\'sparodyofmyrulingphrase，"Hateandcoarsethinking，"stuckinmythoughtslikeapoisoneddart，acentreofinflammation。Justasamanwhoisdebilitatedhasnolongerthevitalitytoresistaninfection，somymind，slackenedbythecrisisofmyseparationfromIsabel，couldfindnoresistancetohisemphaticsuggestion。Itseemedtomethatwhathehadsaidwasoverpoweringlytrue，notonlyofcontemporarylife，butofallpossiblehumanlife。Loveistherarething，thetreasuredthing；

youlockitawayjealouslyandwatch，andwellyoumay；hateandaggressionandforcekeepthestreetsandruletheworld。Andfinethinkingis，intheroughissuesoflife，weakthinking，isabalancingindecisiveprocess，discoverswithdisloyalimpartialityajusticeandadefectoneachdisputingside。"Goodhonestmen，"asDaytoncallsthem，ruletheworld，withawayofthinkingoutdecisionslikeshootingcartloadsofbricks，andwithasteadfastpleasureinhostility。Daytonlikedtocallhisantagonists"blaggardsandscoundrels"——itjustifiedhisopposition——theLordswere"scoundrels，"allpeoplericherthanbewere"scoundrels，"allSocialists，alltroublesomepoorpeople；helikedtothinkofjailsandjusticebeingdone。Hispublicspiritwassaturatedwiththesombrejoysofconflictandthepleasantthoughtofcondignpunishmentforallrecalcitrantsouls。Thatwasthewayofit，I

perceived。Thathadsurvivalvalue，asthebiologistssay。Hewasfoolenoughinpoliticstobeaconsistentandhappypolitician……

Hateandcoarsethinking；howtheinfernaltruthofthephrasebeatmedownthatnight！Icouldn\'trememberthatIhadknownthisallalong，andthatitdidnotreallymatterintheslightestdegree。I

hadworkeditalloutlongagoinotherterms，whenIhadseenhowallpartiesstoodforinterestsinevitably，andhowthepurposeinlifeachievesitself，ifitachievesitselfatall，asabyeproductofthewarofindividualsandclasses。Hadn\'tIalwaysknownthatscienceandphilosophyelaboratethemselvesinspiteofallthepassionandnarrownessofmen，inspiteofthevanitiesandweaknessoftheirservants，inspiteofalltheheateddisorderofcontemporarythings？Wasn\'titmyownphrasetospeakof"thatgreatermindinmen，inwhichwearebutmomentsandtransitorilylitcells？"Hadn\'tIknownthatthespiritofmanstillspeakslikeathingthatstrugglesoutofmudandslime，andthatthemereefforttospeakmeanschokinganddisaster？Hadn\'tIknownthatwewhothinkwithoutfearandspeakwithoutdiscretionwillnotcometoourownforthenexttwothousandyears？

Itwasthelastwasmostforgottenofallthatfaithmislaid。

Beforemankind，inmyvisionthatnight，stretchednewcenturiesofconfusion，vaststupidwars，hastilyconceivedlaws，foolishtemporarytriumphsoforder，lapses，set-backs，despairs，catastrophes，newbeginnings，amultitudinouswildernessoftime，anighplotlessdramaofwrong-headedenergies。InordertoassuagemypartingfromIsabelwehadsetourselvestoimaginegreatrewardsforourseparation，greatpersonalrewards；wehadpromisedourselvessuccessvisibleandshininginourlives。ToconsoleourselvesinourseparationwehadmadeoutoftheBLUEWEEKLYandouryoungTorymovementpreposterouslyenormousthings-asthoughthosepoorfertilisingtouchesatthesoilwereindeedthegerminatingseedsofthemillennium，asthoughamillionlivessuchasourshadnottocontributebeforethebeginningofthebeginning。

Thatpoorpretencehadfailed。Thatmagnificentpropositionshrivelledtonothingintheblacklonelinessofthatnight。

Isawthatthereweretobenosuchcompensations。SofarasmyrealservicestomankindwereconcernedIhadtoliveanunrecognisedandunrewardedlife。IfImadesuccessesitwouldbebytheway。Ourseparationwouldalternothingofthat。Myscandalwouldclingtomenowforallmylife，athingaffectingrelationships，embarrassingandhamperingmyspirit。Ishouldfollowthecommonlotofthosewholivebytheimagination，andfollowitnowininfinitelonelinessofsoul；theonegoodcomforter，theoneeffectualfamiliar，waslosttomeforever；I

shoulddogoodandeviltogether，noonecaringtounderstand；I

shouldproducemuchwearywork，muchbad-spiritedwork，muchabsoluteevil；thegoodinmewouldbetoooftenill-expressedandmissedormisinterpreted。IntheendImightleaveonegleamingflakeorsoamidsttheslagheapsforamomentofpostmortemsympathy。Iwasafraidbeyondmeasureofmyderelictself。BecauseIbelievedwithallmysoulinloveandfinethinkingthatdidnotmeanthatIshouldnecessarilyeitherlovesteadfastlyorthinkfinely。IrememberhowIfelltalkingtoGod——IthinkItalkedoutloud。"WhydoIcareforthesethings？"Icried，"whenIcandosolittle！WhyamIapartfromthejollythoughtlessfightinglifeofmen？Thesedreamsfadetonothingness，andleavemebare！"

Iscolded。"Whydon\'tyouspeaktoaman，showyourself？IthoughtIhadagleamofyouinIsabel，——andthenyoutakeheraway。DoyoureallythinkIcancarryonthisgamealone，doingyourworkindarknessandsilence，livinginmuddledconflict，halfliving，halfdying？"

Grotesqueanalogiesaroseinmymind。Idiscoveredastrangeparallelismbetweenmynowtatteredphraseof"Loveandfinethinking"andthe"LoveandtheWord"ofChristianthought。WasitpossibletheChristianpropagandahadattheoutsetmeantjustthatsystemofattitudesIhadbeenfeelingmywaytowardsfromtheverybeginningofmylife？HadIspentalifetimemakingmywaybacktoChrist？ItmockshumanitytothinkhowChristhasbeenoverlaid。I

wentalongnow，recallinglong-neglectedphrasesandsentences；I

hadanewvisionofthatgreatcentralfigurepreachinglovewithhateandcoarsethinkingeveninthedisciplesaboutHim，risingtoatidalwaveatlastinthatclamourforBarabbas，andthepublicsatisfactioninHisfate……

It\'scurioustothinkthathopelessloveandanoisydisordereddinnershouldleadamantothesespeculations，buttheydid。"HeDIDmeanthat！"Isaid，andsuddenlythoughtofwhatabludgeonthey\'dmadeofHisChristianity。Athwartthatperplexing，patientenigmasittinginaudiblyamongpublicansandsinners，dancedandgibberedalongprocessionofthechampionsoforthodoxy。"Hewasn\'thuman，"Isaid，andrememberedthatlastdespairingcry，"MyGod！MyGod！whyhastThouforsakenMe？"

"Oh，HEforsakeseveryone，"Isaid，flyingoutasatiredmindwill，withanobviousrepartee……

IpassedataboundfromsuchmonstroustheologytoatoweringrageagainsttheBaileys。InaninstantandwithnosenseofabsurdityI

wanted——intheintervalsofloveandfinethinking——toflingaboutthatstrenuouslyvirtuouscouple；IwantedtokickKeyholeofthePEEPSHOWintothegutterandmakeacommonmassacreofalltheprosperousrascaldomthatmakesatradeandruleofvirtue。Icanstillfeelthattransition。InamomentIhadreachedthatphaseofweaklydecisiveangerwhichisforpeopleofmytemperamenttheconcomitantofexhaustion。

"Iwillhaveher，"Icried。"ByHeaven！IWILLhaveher！Lifemocksmeandcheatsme。Nothingcanbemadegoodtomeagain……

Whyshouldn\'tIsavewhatIcan？Ican\'tsavemyselfwithouther……"

Iremembermyself——asasortofanti-climaxtothat——rathertediouslyaskingmywayhome。IwassomewhereintheneighbourhoodofHollandPark……

Itwasthenbetweenoneandtwo。IfeltthatIcouldgohomenowwithoutanyriskofmeetingMargaret。IthadbeenthethoughtofreturningtoMargaretthathadsentmewanderingthatnight。ItisoneoftheugliestfactsIrecallaboutthattimeofcrisis，theintenseaversionIfeltforMargaret。Nosenseofhergoodness，herinjuryandnobility，andtheenormousgenerosityofherforgiveness，sufficedtomitigatethat。IhopenowthatinthisbookIamabletogivesomethingofhersilverysplendour，butallthroughthiscrisisIfeltnothingofthat。TherewasatriumphantkindlinessaboutherthatIfoundintolerable。Shemeanttobesokindtome，toofferunstintedconsolation，tomeetmyneeds，tosupplyjustallsheimaginedIsabelhadgivenme。

WhenIleftTarvrille\'s，IfeltIcouldanticipateexactlyhowshewouldmeetmyhomecoming。Shewouldbeperplexedbymycrumpledshirtfront，onwhichIhadspiltsomedropsofwine；shewouldoverlookthatbyaneffort，explainitsentimentally，resolveitshouldmakenodifferencetoher。Shewouldwanttoknowwhohadbeenpresent，whatwehadtalkedabout，showthealertestinterestinwhateveritwas——itdidn\'tmatterwhat……No，Icouldn\'tfaceher。

SoIdidnotreachmystudyuntiltwoo\'clock。

There，Iremember，stoodthenewandverybeautifuloldsilvercandlesticksthatshehadsettheretwodayssincetopleaseme——thefoolishkindlinessofit！Butinhersearchforexpression，Margaretheapedpresentsuponme。Shehadfittedthesecandlestickswithelectriclights，andImust，Isuppose，havelitthemtowritemynotetoIsabel。"Givemeaword——theworldacheswithoutyou，"

wasallIscrawled，thoughIfullymeantthatsheshouldcometome。

Iknew，thoughIoughtnottohaveknown，thatnowshehadleftherflat，shewaswiththeBalfes——shewastohavebeenmarriedfromtheBalfes——andIsentmyletterthere。AndIwentoutintothesilentsquareandpostedthenoteforthwith，becauseIknewquiteclearlythatifIleftituntilmorningIshouldneverpostitatall。

3

Ihadacuriousrevulsionoffeelingthatmorningofourmeeting。

(OfallplacesforsuchaclandestineencountershehadchosenthebridgeoppositeBuckinghamPalace。)OvernightIhadbeenfullofselfpity，andeagerforthecomfortofIsabel\'spresence。Buttheill-writtenscrawlinwhichshehadrepliedhadbeenfullofthesuggestionofherownweaknessandmisery。AndwhenIsawher，myownselfishsorrowswerealtogethersweptawaybyawaveofpitifultenderness。SomethinghadhappenedtoherthatIdidnotunderstand。Shewasmanifestlyill。Shecametowardsmewearily，shewhohadalwaysborneherselfsobravely；hershouldersseemedbent，andhereyesweretired，andherfacewhiteanddrawn。Allmylifehasbeenanarrowself-centredlife；nobrothers，nosistersorchildrenorweakthingshadeveryetmadeanyintimateappealtome，andsuddenly——Iverilybelieveforthefirsttimeinmylife！——I

feltagreatpassionofprotectiveownership；IfeltthatherewassomethingthatIcoulddietoshelter，somethingthatmeantmorethanjoyorprideorsplendidambitionsorsplendidcreationtome，anewkindofholduponme，anewpowerintheworld。Somesealedfountainwasopenedinmybreast。IknewthatIcouldloveIsabelbroken，Isabelbeaten，Isabeluglyandinpain，morethanIcouldloveanysweetordelightfulorgloriousthinginlife。Ididn\'tcareanymoreforanythingintheworldbutIsabel，andthatI

shouldprotecther。ItrembledasIcamenearher，andcouldscarcelyspeaktoherfortheemotionthatfilledme……

"Ihadyourletter，"Isaid。

"Ihadyours。"

"Wherecanwetalk？"

Iremembermylamesentences。"We\'llhaveaboat。That\'sbesthere。"

Itookhertothelittleboat-house，andtherewehiredaboat，andIrowedinsilenceunderthebridgeandintotheshadeofatree。

ThesquaregreystonemassesoftheForeignOfficeloomedthroughthetwigs，Iremember，andalittlespaceofgrassseparatedusfromthepathwayandthescrutinyofpassers-by。Andtherewetalked。

"Ihadtowritetoyou，"Isaid。

"Ihadtocome。"

"Whenareyoutobemarried？"

"Thursdayweek。"

"Well？"Isaid。"But——canwe？"

Sheleantforwardandscrutinisedmyfacewitheyeswideopen。

"Whatdoyoumean？"shesaidatlastinawhisper。

"Canwestandit？Afterall？"

Ilookedatherwhiteface。"Canyou？"Isaid。

Shewhispered。"Yourcareer？"

Thensuddenlyherfacewascontorted，——sheweptsilently，exactlyasachildtormentedbeyondendurancemightsuddenlyweep……

"Oh！Idon\'tcare，"Icried，"now。Idon\'tcare。Damnthewholesystemofthings！Damnallthispatchingoftheirrevocable！I

wanttotakecareofyou，Isabel！andhaveyouwithme。"

"Ican\'tstandit，"sheblubbered。

"Youneedn\'tstandit。Ithoughtitwasbestforyou……I

thoughtindeeditwasbestforyou。Ithoughtevenyouwanteditlikethat。"

"Couldn\'tIlivealone——asImeanttodo？"

"No，"Isaid，"youcouldn\'t。You\'renotstrongenough。I\'vethoughtofthat；I\'vegottoshelteryou。"

"AndIwantyou，"Iwenton。"I\'mnotstrongenough——Ican\'tstandlifewithoutyou。"

Shestoppedweeping，shemadeagreatefforttocontrolherself，andlookedatmesteadfastlyforamoment。"Iwasgoingtokillmyself，"shewhispered。"Iwasgoingtokillmyselfquietly——

somehow。Imeanttowaitabitandhaveanaccident。Ithought——

youdidn\'tunderstand。Youwereaman，andcouldn\'tunderstand……"

"Peoplecan\'tdoaswethoughtwecoulddo，"Isaid。"We\'vegonetoofartogether。"

"Yes，"shesaid，andIstaredintohereyes。

"Thehorrorofit，"shewhispered。"Thehorrorofbeinghandedover。It\'sjustonlybeguntodawnuponme，seeinghimnowasIdo。

Hetriestobekindtome……Ididn\'tknow。Ifeltadventurousbefore……Itmakesmefeellikeallthewomenintheworldwhohaveeverbeenownedandsubdued……It\'snotthatheisn\'tthebestofmen，it\'sbecauseI\'mapartofyou……Ican\'tgothroughwithit。IfIgothroughwithit，Ishallbeleft——robbedofpride——outraged——awomanbeaten……"

"Iknow，"Isaid，"Iknow。"

"Iwanttolivealone……Idon\'tcareforanythingnowbutjustescape。Ifyoucanhelpme……"

"Imusttakeyouaway。There\'snothingforusbuttogoawaytogether。"

"Butyourwork，"shesaid；"yourcareer！Margaret！Ourpromises！"

"We\'vemadeamessofthings，Isabel——orthingshavemadeamessofus。Idon\'tknowwhich。Ourflagsareinthemud，anyhow。It\'stoolatetosavethoseotherthings！Theyhavetogo。Youcan\'tmaketermswithdefeat。IthoughtitwasMargaretneededmemost。

Butit\'syou。AndIneedyou。Ididn\'tthinkofthateither。I

haven\'tadoubtleftintheworldnow。We\'vegottoleaveeverythingratherthanleaveeachother。I\'msureofit。Nowwehavegonesofar。We\'vegottogorightdowntoearthandbeginagain……Dear，IWANTdisgracewithyou……"

SoIwhisperedtoherasshesatcrumpledtogetheronthefadedcushionsoftheboat，thiswhiteandwearyyoungwomanwhohadbeensovaliantandcarelessagirl。"Idon\'tcare，"Isaid。"Idon\'tcareforanything，ifIcansaveyououtofthewreckagewehavemadetogether。"

4

ThenextdayIwenttotheofficeoftheBLUEWEEKLYinordertogetasmuchaspossibleofitsaffairsinworkingorderbeforeIleftLondonwithIsabel。IjustmissedShoesmithintheloweroffice。

UpstairsIfoundBrittenamidstapileofoutsidearticles，methodicallyreadingthetitleofeachandsometimesthefirsthalf-

dozenlines，andeitherdroppingtheminagrowingheaponthefloorforaclerktoreturn，orputtingthemasideforconsideration。I

interruptedhim，squattedonthewindow-silloftheopenwindow，andsketchedoutmyideasforthesession。

"You\'refar-sighted，"heremarkedatsomethingofminewhichreachedoutahead。

"Iliketoseethingsprepared，"Ianswered。

"Yes，"hesaid，andrippedopentheenvelopeofafreshaspirant。

Iwassilentwhileheread。

"You\'regoingawaywithIsabelRivers，"hesaidabruptly。

"Well！"Isaid，amazed。

"Iknow，"hesaid，andlosthisbreath。"Notmybusiness。Only——"

ItwasqueertofindBrittenafraidtosayathing。

"It\'snotplayingthegame，"hesaid。

"Whatdoyouknow？"

"Everythingthatmatters。"

"Somegames，"Isaid，"aretoohardtoplay。"

Therecameapausebetweenus。

"Ididn\'tknowyouwerewatchingallthis，"Isaid。

"Yes，"heanswered，afterapause，"I\'vewatched。"

"Sorry——sorryyoudon\'tapprove。"

"Itmeanssmashingsuchaninfernallotofthings，Remington。"

Ididnotanswer。

"You\'regoingawaythen？"

"Yes。"

"Soon？"

"Rightaway。"

"There\'svourwife。"

"Iknow。"

"Shoesmith——whomyou\'repledgedtoinamanner。You\'vejustpickedhimoutandmadehimconspicuous。Everyonewillknow。Oh！ofcourse——it\'snothingtoyou。Honour——"

"Iknow。"

"Commondecency。"

Inodded。

"Allthismovementofours。That\'swhatIcareformost……

It\'scometobeabigthing，Remington。"

"Thatwillgoon。"

"Wehaveauseforyou——nooneelsequitefillsit。Noone……

I\'mnotsureitwillgoon。"

"DoyouthinkIhaven\'tthoughtofallthesethings？"

Heshruggedhisshoulders，andrejectedtwopapersunread。

"Iknew，"heremarked，"whenyoucamebackfromAmerica。Youwerealightwithit。"Thenhelethisbitternessgleamforamoment。

"ButIthoughtyouwouldsticktoyourbargain。"

"It\'snotsomuchchoiceasyouthink，"Isaid。

"There\'salwaysachoice。"

"No，"Isaid。

Hescrutinisedmyface。

"Ican\'tlivewithouther——Ican\'twork。She\'sallmixedupwiththis——andeverything。Andbesides，there\'sthingsyoucan\'tunderstand。There\'sfeelingsyou\'veneverfelt……Youdon\'tunderstandhowmuchwe\'vebeentooneanother。"

Brittenfrownedandthought。

"Somethingsone\'sGOTtodo，"hethrewout。

"Somethingsonecan\'tdo。"

"Theseinfernalinstitutions——"

"Someonemustbegin，"Isaid。

Heshookhishead。"NotYOU，"hesaid。"No！"

Hestretchedouthishandsonthedeskbeforehim，andspokeagain。

"Remington，"hesaid，"I\'vethoughtofthisbusinessdayandnighttoo。Itmatterstome。Itmattersimmenselytome。Inaway——it\'sathingonedoesn\'toftensaytoaman——I\'velovedyou。I\'mthesortofmanwholeadsanarrowlife……Butyou\'vebeensomethingfineandgoodforme，sincethattime，doyouremember？

whenwetalkedaboutMeccatogether。"

Inodded。

"Yes。Andyou\'llalwaysbesomethingfineandgoodformeanyhow。

Iknowthingsaboutyou，——qualities——nomereactcandestroythem……Well，Icantellyou，you\'redoingwrong。You\'regoingonnowlikeamanwhoishypnotisedandcan\'tturnround。You\'repilingwrongonwrong。Itwaswrongforyoutwopeopleevertobelovers。"

Hepaused。

"Itgrippedushard，"Isaid。

"Yes！——butinyourposition！Andhers！Itwasvile！"

"You\'venotbeentempted。"

"Howdoyouknow？Anyhow——havingdonethat，yououghttohavestoodtheconsequencesandthoughtofotherpeople。Youcouldhaveendeditatthefirstpauseforreflection。Youdidn\'t。Youblunderedagain。Youkepton。Youowedacertainsecrecytoallofus！Youdidn\'tkeepit。Youwerecareless。Youmadethingsworse。Thisengagementandthispublicity！——Damnit，Remington！"

"Iknow，"Isaid，withsmartingeyes。"Damnit！withallmyheart！

Itcameoftryingtopatch……YouCAN\'Tpatch。"

"Andnow，asIcareforanythingunderheaven，Remington，youtwooughttostandtheselastconsequences——andpart。Yououghttopart。Otherpeoplehavetostandthings！Otherpeoplehavetopart。Yououghtto。Yousay——whatdoyousay？It\'slossofsomuchlifetoloseeachother。Soislosingahandoraleg。Butit\'swhatyou\'veincurred。Amputate。Takeyourpunishment——Afterall，youchoseit。"

"Oh，damn！"Isaid，standingupandgoingtothewindow。

"Damnbyallmeans。Ineverknewatopicsofullofjustifiabledamns。Butyoutwodidchooseit。Yououghttosticktoyourundertaking。"

Iturneduponhimwithasnarlinmyvoice。"MydearBritten！"I

cried。"Don\'tIKNOWI\'mdoingwrong？Aren\'tIinanet？SupposeIdon\'tgo！Isthereanyrightinthat？Doyouthinkwe\'regoingtobemuchtoourselvesoranyoneafterthisparting？I\'vebeenthinkingalllastnightofthisbusiness，tryingitoverandoveragainfromthebeginning。Howwasitwewentwrong？SinceIcamebackfromAmerica——IgrantyouTHAT——butSINCE，there\'sneverbeenastepthatwasn\'tforced，thathadn\'tasmuchrightinitormore，aswrong。YoutalkasthoughIwasathingofsteelthatcouldbendthiswayorthatandneverchange。YoutalkasthoughIsabelwasacatonecouldgivetoanykindofowner……Wetwoarethingsthatchangeandgrowandalterallthetime。We\'re——sointerwoventhatbeingpartednowwillleaveusjustmisshapencripples……

Youdon\'tknowthemotives，youdon\'tknowtherushandfeelofthings，youdon\'tknowhowitwaswithus，andhowitiswithus。

Youdon\'tknowthehungerforthemeresightofoneanother；youdon\'tknowanything。"

Brittenlookedathisfinger-nailsclosely。Hisredfacepuckeredtoawryfrown。"Haven\'tweallattimeswantedtheworldputback？"hegrunted，andlookedhardandcloseatoneparticularnail。

Therewasalongpause。

"Iwanther，"Isaid，"andI\'mgoingtohaveher。I\'mtootiredforbalancingtherightorwrongofitanymore。Youcan\'tseparatethem。Isawheryesterday……She\'s——ill……I\'dtakehernow，ifdeathwerejustoutsidethedoorwaitingforus。"

"Torture？"

Ithought。"Yes。"

"Forher？"

"Thereisn\'t，"Isaid。

"Iftherewas？"

Imadenoanswer。

"It\'sblindWant。Andthere\'snothingeverbeenputintoyoutostandagainstit。Whatareyougoingtodowiththerestofyourlives？"

"Noendofthings。"

"Nothing。"

"Idon\'tbelieveyouareright，"Isaid。"Ibelievewecansavesomething——"

Brittenshookhishead。"Somescrapsofsalvagewon\'texcuseyou，"

hesaid。

Hisindignationrose。"Inthemiddleoflife！"hesaid。"Nomanhasarighttotakehishandfromtheplough！"

Heleantforwardonhisdeskandopenedanargumentativepalm。"Youknow，Remington，"hesaid，"andIknow，thatifthiscouldbefendedoffforsixmonths——ifyoucouldbeclappedinprison，orgotoutofthewaysomehow，——untilthismarriagewasalloverandsettleddownforayear，say——youknowthenyoutwocouldmeet，curious，happy，asfriends。Saved！YouKNOWit。"

Iturnedandstaredathim。"You\'rewrong，Britten，"Isaid。"Anddoesitmatterifwecould？"

IfoundthatintalkingtohimIcouldframetheapologeticsIhadnotbeenabletofindformyselfalone。

"Iamcertainofonething，Britten。Itisourdutynottohushupthisscandal。"

Heraisedhiseyebrows。Iperceivednowtheelementofabsurdityinme，butatthetimeIwasasseriousasamanwhoisburning。

"It\'sourduty，"Iwenton，"tosmashnowopenlyinthesightofeveryone。Yes！I\'vegotthatascleanandplain——asprisonwhitewash。Iamconvincedthatwehavegottobepublictotheuttermostnow——Imeanit——untileverycornerofourworldknowsthisstory，knowsitfully，addsittotheParnellstoryandtheAshtonDeanstoryandtheCarmelstoryandtheWittersleastory，andalltheotherstoriesthathavepickedmanaftermanoutofEnglishpubliclife，themenwithactiveimaginations，themenofstronginitiative。Tothinkthistotteringold-womanriddenEmpireshoulddaretowasteamanonsuchascore！YousayIoughttobepenitent——"

Brittenshookhisheadandsmiledveryfaintly。

"I\'mboilingwithindignation，"Isaid。"Ilayinbedlastnightandwentthroughitall。WhatinGod\'snamewastobeexpectedofusbutwhathashappened？Iwentthroughmylifebitbybitlastnight，IrecalledallI\'vehadtodowithvirtueandwomen，andallIwastoldandhowIwasprepared。Iwasbornintocowardiceanddebasement。Weallare。Ourgeneration\'sgrimywithhypocrisy。I

cametothemostbeautifulthingsinlife——likepeepingTomofCoventry。Iwasnevergivenalight，nevergivenatouchofnaturalmanhoodbyallthisdingy，furtive，canting，humbuggingEnglishworld。ThankGod！I\'llsoonbeoutofit！Theshameofit！TheverysavagesinAustraliainitiatetheirchildrenbetterthantheEnglishdoto-day。Neitherofuswasevergivenaviewofwhattheycallmoralitythatdidn\'tmakeitshowasshabbysubservience，asthemeanestdiscretion，anabjectsubmissiontounreasonableprohibitions！meeksurrenderofmindandbodytothedictationofpedantsandoldwomenandfools。Weweren\'ttaught——weweremumbledat！Andwhenwefoundthatthethingtheycalledunclean，unclean，wasPaganbeauty——God！itwasaglorytosin，Britten，itwasaprideandsplendourlikebathinginthesunlightafterdustandgrime！"

"Yes，"saidBritten。"That\'sallverywell——"

Iinterruptedhim。"Iknowthere\'sacase——I\'mbeginningtothinkitavalidcaseagainstus；butwenevermetit！There\'sasteelyprideinselfrestraint，anobilityofchastity，butonlyforthosewhoseeandthinkandact——untrammeledandunafraid。Theotherthing，thecurrentthing，why！it\'sworthasmuchasthechastityofamonkeykeptinacagebyitself！"Iputmyfootinachair，andurgedmycaseuponhim。"Thisisadirtyworld，Britten，simplybecauseitisamuddledworld，andthethingyoucallmoralityisdirtiernowthanthethingyoucallimmorality。Whydon\'tthemoralistspicktheirstuffoutoftheslimeiftheycareforit，andwipeit？——damnthem！Iamburningnowtosay：\'Yes，wedidthisandthis，\'toalltheworld。Alltheworld！……Iwill！"

Brittenrubbedthepalmofhishandonthecornerofhisdesk。

"That\'sallverywell，Remington，"hesaid。"Youmeantogo。"

Hestoppedandbeganagain。"Ifyoudidn\'tknowyouwereinthewrongyouwouldn\'tbesodamnedrhetorical。You\'reinthewrong。

It\'sasplaintoyouasitistome。You\'releavingabigwork，you\'releavingawifewhotrustedyou，togoandlivewithyourjollymistress……Youwon\'tseeyou\'reastatesmanthatmatters，thatnosingleman，maybe，mightcometosuchinfluenceasyouinthenexttenyears。You\'rethrowingyourselfawayandaccusingyourcountryofrejectingyou。"

Heswungrounduponhisswivelatme。"Remington，"hesaid，"haveyouforgottentheimmensethingsourmovementmeans？"

Ithought。"PerhapsIamrhetorical，"Isaid。

"Butthethingswemightachieve！Ifyou\'donlystaynow——evennow！

Oh！you\'dsufferalittlesocially，butwhatofthat？You\'dbeabletogoon——perhapsallthebetterforhostilityofthekindyou\'dget。Youknow，Remington——youKNOW。"

Ithoughtandwentbacktohisearlierpoint。"IfIamrhetorical，atanyrateit\'salivingfeelingbehindit。Yes，Irememberalltheimplicationsofouraims——verysplendid，veryremote。Butjustnowit\'sratherlikeofferingtogiveafreezingmanthesunlitHimalayasfromendtoendinreturnforhiscamp-fire。Whenyoutalkofmeandmyjollymistress，itisn\'tfair。Thatmisrepresentseverything。I\'mnotgoingoutofthis——fordelights。That\'sthesortofthingmenlikeSnufflesandKeyholeimagine——thatexcitesthem！WhenIthinkofthethingsthesecreaturesthink！Ugh！ButYOUknowbetter？Youknowthatphysicalpassionthatburnslikeafire——endsclean。I\'mgoingforlove，Britten——ifIsinnedforpassion。I\'mgoing，Britten，becausewhenIsawhertheotherdaysheHURTme。Shehurtmedamnably，Britten……I\'vebeenacoldman——I\'veledarhetoricallife——youhitmewiththatword！——Iputthingsinawindyway，Iknow，butwhathasgotholdofmeatlastisherpain。She\'sill。Don\'tyouunderstand？She\'sasickthing——

aweakthing。She\'snomoreagoddessthanI\'magod……I\'mnotinlovewithhernow；I\'mRAWwithloveforher。Ifeellikeamanthat\'sbeenflayed。Ihavebeenflayed……Youdon\'tbegintoimaginethesortofhelplesssolicitude……She\'snotgoingtodothingseasily；she\'sill。Hercouragefails……It\'shardtoputthingswhenoneisn\'trhetorical，butit\'sthis，Britten——

therearedistressesthatmattermorethanallthedelightsorachievementsintheworld……Imadeherwhatsheis——asInevermadeMargaret。I\'vemadeher——I\'vebrokenher……I\'mgoingwithmyownwoman。TherestofmylifeandEngland，andsoforth，mustsquareitselftothat……"

Foralongtime，asitseemed，weremainedsilentandmotionless。

We\'dsaidallwehadtosay。Myeyescaughtaprintedslipuponthedeskbeforehim，andIcamebackabruptlytothepaper。

Ipickedupthisgalleyproof。ItwasoneofWinter\'sessays。

"Thismangoesondoingfirst-ratestuff，"Isaid。"Ihopeyouwillkeephimgoing。"

Hedidnotanswerforamomentorso。"I\'llkeephimgoing，"hesaidatlastwithasigh。

5

IhavealetterMargaretwrotemewithinaweekofourflight。I

cannotresisttranscribingsomeofithere，becauseitlightsthingsasnowordofminecando。Itisastringofnearlyinconsecutivethoughtswritteninpencilinafine，tall，sprawlinghand。Itsveryinconsecutivenessisessential。Manywordsareunderlined。Itwasinanswertoonefromme；butwhatIwrotehaspassedutterlyfrommymind……

"Certainly，"shesays，"Iwanttohearfromyou，butIdonotwanttoseeyou。There\'sasortofabstractYOUthatIwanttogoonwith。SomethingI\'vemadeoutofyou……Iwanttoknowthingsaboutyou——butIdon\'twanttoseeorfeelorimagine。WhensomedayIhavegotridofmyintolerablesenseofproprietorship，itmaybedifferent。Thenperhapswemaymeetagain。IthinkitisevenmorethelossofourpoliticalworkanddreamsthatIamfeelingthanthelossofyourpresence。Achingloss。IthoughtsomuchofthethingswewereDOINGfortheworld——hadgivenmyselfsounreservedly。You\'veleftmewithnothingtoDO。Iamsuddenlyatlooseends……

"Wewomenaretrainedtobesodependentonaman。I\'vegotnolifeofmyownatall。ItseemsnowtomethatIworemyclothesevenforyouandyourschemes……

"AfterIhavetoldmyselfahundredtimeswhythishashappened，I

askagain，\'Whydidhegivethingsup？Whydidhegivethingsup？\'……

"Itisjustasthoughyouwerewilfullydead……

"ThenIaskagainandagainwhetherthisthingneedhavehappenedatall，whetherifIhadhadawarning，ifIhadunderstoodbetter，I

mightnothaveadaptedmyselftoyourrestlessmindandmadethiscatastropheimpossible……

"Oh，mydear！whyhadn\'tyoutheplucktohurtmeatthebeginning，andtellmewhatyouthoughtofmeandlife？Youdidn\'tgivemeachance；notachance。Isupposeyoucouldn\'t。AllthesethingsyouandIstoodawayfrom。Youletmyfirstrepugnancesrepelyou……

"ItisstrangetothinkafteralltheseyearsthatIshouldbeaskingmyself，doIloveyou？haveIlovedyou？InasenseIthinkIHATEyou。Ifeelyouhavetakenmylife，draggeditinyourwakeforatime，thrownitaside。Iamresentful。Unfairlyresentful，forwhyshouldIexactthatyoushouldwatchandunderstandmylife，whenclearlyIhaveunderstoodsolittleofyours。ButIamsavage——

savageatthewreckingofallyouweretodo。

"Oh，why——whydidyougivethingsup？

"Nohumanbeingishisowntodowhathelikeswith。Youwerenotonlypledgedtomytiresome，ineffectualcompanionship，buttogreatpurposes。TheyAREgreatpurposes……

"IfonlyIcouldtakeupyourworkasyouleaveit，withthestrengthyouhad——thenindeedIfeelIcouldletyougo——youandyouryoungmistress……Allthatmatterssolittletome……

"YetIthinkImustindeedloveyouyourselfinmyslowerway。AttimesIammadwithjealousyatthethoughtofallIhadn\'tthewittogiveyou……I\'vealwayshiddenmytearsfromyou——andwhatwasinmyheart。It\'smynaturetohide——andyou，youwantthingsbroughttoyoutosee。Youaresocuriousastobealmostcruel。

Youdon\'tunderstandreserves。Youhavenomercywithrestraintsandreservations。YouarcnotreallyaCIVILISEDmanatall。Youhatepretences——andnotonlypretencesbutdecentcoverings……

"It\'sonlyafteronehaslostloveandthechanceoflovingthatslowpeoplelikemyselffindwhattheymighthavedone。Whywasn\'tIboldandrecklessandabandoned？It\'sasreasonabletoaskthat，Isuppose，astoaskwhymyhairisfair……

"IgoonwiththeseperhapsesoverandoveragainherewhenIfindmyselfalone……

"Mydear，mydear，youcan\'tthinkofthedesolationofthings——I

shallnevergobacktothathousewefurnishedtogether，thatwastohavebeenthelaboratory(doyouremembercallingitalaboratory？)

inwhichyouweretoforgesomuchoftheneworder……

"But，dear，ifIcanhelpyou——evennow——inanyway——helpbothofyou，Imean……IttearsmewhenIthinkofyoupooranddiscredited。YouwillletmehelpyouifIcan——itwillbethelastwrongnottoletmedothat……

"Youhadbetternotgetill。Ifyoudo，andIhearofit——Ishallcomeafteryouwithatroupeofdoctor\'sandnurses。IfIamafailureasawife，noonehaseversaidIwasanythingbutasuccessasadistrictvisitor……"

Thereareothersheets，butIcannottellwhethertheywerewrittenbeforeoraftertheonesfromwhichIhavequoted。Andmostofthemhavelittlethingstoointimatetosetdown。Butthisoddlypenetratinganalysisofourdifferencesmust，Ithink，begiven。

"ThereareallsortsofthingsIcan\'texpressaboutthisandwantto。There\'sthisdifferencethathasalwaysbeenbetweenus，thatyoulikenakednessandwildness，andI，clothingandrestraint。Itgoesthrougheverything。YouarealwaysTALKINGoforderandsystem，andthesplendiddreamoftheorderthatmightreplacethemuddledsystemyouhate，butbyasortofinstinctyouseemtowanttobreakthelaw。I\'vewatchedyousoclosely。NowIwanttoobeylaws，tomakesacrifices，tofollowrules。Idon\'twanttomake，butIdowanttokeep。Youareatoncemakersandrebels，youandIsabeltoo。You\'rebadpeople——criminalpeople，Ifeel，andyetfullofsomethingtheworldmusthave。You\'resomuchbetterthanme，andsomuchviler。Itmaybethereisnomakingwithoutdestruction，butitseemstomesometimesthatitisnothingbutaninstinctforlawlessnessthatdrivesyou。Youremindme——doyouremember？——ofthattimewewentfromNaplestoVesuvius，andwalkedoverthehotnewlavathere。DoyourememberhowtiredIwas？I

knowitdisappointedyouthatIwastired。Onewalkedthereinspiteoftheheatbecausetherewasacrust；likecustom，likelaw。

Butdirectlyacrustformsonthings，youarerestlesstobreakdowntothefireagain。Youtalkofbeauty，bothofyou，assomethingterrible，mysterious，imperative。YOURbeautyissomethingaltogetherdifferentfromanythingIknoworfeel。Ithaspaininit。YetyoualwaysspeakasthoughitwassomethingIoughttofeelandamdishonestnottofeel。MYbeautyisaquietthing。Youhavealwayslaughedatmyfeelingforold-fashionedchintzandbluechinaandSheraton。ButIlikeallthesefamiliarUSEDthings。MybeautyisSTILLbeauty，andyours，isexcitement。Iknownothingofthefascinationofthefire，orwhyoneshouldgodeliberatelyoutofallthedecentfinethingsoflifetorundangersandbesingedandtormentedanddestroyed。Idon\'tunderstand……"

6

IrememberveryfreshlythemoodofourdeparturefromLondon，theplatformofCharingCrosswiththebigilluminatedclockoverhead，thebustleofportersandpassengerswithluggage，theshoutingofnewsboysandboyswithflowersandsweets，andthegroupsoffriendsseeingtravellersoffbytheboattrain。Isabelsatveryquietandstillinthecompartment，andIstoodupontheplatformwiththedooropen，withacuriousreluctancetotakethelaststepthatshouldsevermefromLondon\'sground。Ishowedourtickets，andboughtahandfulofredrosesforher。Atlastcametheguardscrying："Takeyourseats，"andIgotinandclosedthedooronme。

Wehad，thankHeaven！acompartmenttoourselves。Iletdownthewindowandstaredout。

Therewasabustleoffinaladieuxontheplatform，acryof"Standaway，please，standaway！"andthetrainwasglidingslowlyandsmoothlyoutofthestation。

Ilookedoutupontheriverasthetrainrumbledwithslowlygatheringpaceacrossthebridge，andthebobbingblackheadsofthepedestriansinthefootway，andthecurveoftheriverandtheglowinggreathotels，andthelightsandreflectionsandblacknessesofthatold，familiarspectacle。Thenwithacommonthought，weturnedoureyeswestwardtowherethepinnaclesofWestminsterandtheshiningclocktowerrosehardandclearagainstthestill，luminoussky。

"They\'llbeinCommitteeontheReformatoryBillto-night，"Isaid，alittlestupidly。

"Andso，"Iadded，"good-byetoLondon！"

Wesaidnomore，butwatchedthesouth-sidestreetsbelow——brightgleamsoflightsandmovement，andthedark，dim，monstrousshapesofhousesandfactories。WeranthroughWaterlooStation，LondonBridge，NewCross，St。John\'s。Wesaidneveraword。Itseemedtomethatforatimewehadexhaustedouremotions。Wehadescaped，wehadcutourknot，wehadacceptedthelastpenaltyofthatheadlongreturnofminefromChicagoayearandahalfago。Thatwasallsettled。Thatharvestoffeelingswehadreaped。IthoughtnowonlyofLondon，ofLondonasthesymbolofallwewereleavingandallwehadlostintheworld。Ifeltnothingnowbutanenormousandoverwhelmingregret……

Thetrainswayedandrattledonitsway。WeranthrougholdBromstead，whereonceIhadplayedwithcitiesandarmiesonthenurseryfloor。Thesprawlingsuburbswiththeirscatteredlightsgavewaytodimtree-setcountryunderacloud-veiled，intermittentlyshiningmoon。WepassedCardcasterPlace。PerhapsoldWardingham，thatpillaroftheoldConservatives，wasthere，frettingoverhisunsuccessfulstrugglewithouryoungToryism。

Littlehereckedofthisnewturnofthewheelandhowitwouldconfirmhiscontemptofallournovelties。Perhapssomefaintintimationdrewhimtothewindowtoseebehindthestemsoftheyoungfirtreesthatborderedhisdomain，thelittlestringoflightedcarriagewindowsglidingsouthward……

SuddenlyIbegantorealisejustwhatitwasweweredoing。

Andnow，indeed，IknewwhatLondonhadbeentome，LondonwhereI

hadbeenbornandeducated，theslovenlymotherofmymindandallmyambitions，Londonandtheempire！Itseemedtomewemustbegoingouttoaworldthatwasutterlyempty。Alloursignificancefellfromus——andbeforeuswasnomeaninganymore。WewereleavingLondon；myhand，whichhadgrippedsohungrilyuponitscomplexlife，hadbeenforcedfromit，myfingerslefttheirhold。

Thatwasover。Ishouldneverhaveavoiceinpublicaffairsagain。

Theinexorableunwrittenlawwhichforbidsovertscandalsentencedme。Weweregoingouttoanewlife，alifethatappearedinthatmomenttobeamereshrivelledremnantofme，amereresiduumofshelteringandfeedingandseeingamidstaliensceneryandthesoundofunfamiliartongues。Weweregoingtolivecheaplyinaforeignplace，socutoffthatImeetnowthemereststraytourist，thecommonesttweed-cladstrangerwithamixtureofshynessandhunger……

AndsuddenlyalltheschemesIwasleavingappearedfineandadventurousandhopefulastheyhadneverdonebefore。HowgreatwasthispurposeIhadrelinquished，thisboldandsubtleremakingoftheEnglishwill！Ihaddoubtedsomanythings，andnowsuddenlyIdoubtedmyunimportance，doubtedmyrighttothissuicidalabandonment。WasInotatrustedmessenger，greatlytrustedandfavoured，whohadturnedasidebytheway？HadInot，afterall，stoodforfarmorethanIhadthought；wasInotfilchingfromthatdeargreatcityofmybirthandlife，somevitallynecessarything，akey，alink，areconcilingclueinherpoliticaldevelopment，thatnowshemightseekvaguelyforinvain？WhatisonelifeagainsttheState？OughtInottohavesacrificedIsabelandallmypassionandsorrowforIsabel，andheldtomything——stucktomything？

IheardasthoughhehadspokenitinthecarriageBritten\'s"ItWAS

agoodgame。Noendofagame。AndforthefirsttimeIimaginedthefacesandvoicesofCruppandEsmeerandGanewhentheylearntofthissecretflight，thisflightofwhichtheywerequiteunwarned。AndShoesmithmighthethereinthehouse，——Shoesmithwhowastohavebeenmarriedinfourdays——thethingmighthithimfullinfrontofanykindofpeople。Crueleyesmightwatchhim。Whythedevilhadn\'tIwrittenletterstowarnthemall？Icouldhavepostedthemfiveminutesbeforethetrainstarted。Ihadneverthoughttothatmomentoftheimmensemesstheywouldbein；howthewholeedificewouldclatterabouttheirears。Ihadasuddendesiretostopthetrainandgobackforaday，fortwodays，tosetthatnegligenceright。Mybrainforamomentbrightened，becameanimatedandprolificofideas。IthoughtofabrilliantlinewemighthavetakenonthatconfoundedReformatoryBill……

Thatsortofthingwasover……

Whatindeedwasn\'tover？Ipassedtoavaguer，moremultitudinousperceptionofdisaster，thefriendsIhadlostalreadysinceAltiorabeganhercampaign，theamplerremnantwhomnowImustlose。I

thoughtofpeopleIhadbeenmerrywith，peopleIhadworkedwithandplayedwith，thecompanionsoftalkativewalks，thehostessesofhousesthathadonceglowedwithwelcomeforusboth。Iperceivedwemustlosethemall。Isawlifelikeatreeinlateautumnthathadoncebeenrichandsplendidwithfriends——andnowthelastbravedearswouldbehangingondoubtfullyagainstthefrostychilloffacts，twistingandtorturedintheuniversalgaleofindignation，tryingtoevadethecoldblastofthetruth。Ihadbetrayedmyparty，myintimatefriend，mywife，thewifewhosedevotionhadmademewhatIwas。ForawhilethefigureofMargaret，remote，wounded，shamed，dominatedmymind，andthethoughtofmyimmenseingratitude。Damnthem！they\'dtakeitoutofhertoo。IhadafeelingthatIwantedtogostraightbackandgripsomeonebythethroat，someonetalkingillofMargaret。They\'dblameherfornotkeepingme，forlettingthingsgosofar……Iwantedthewholeworldtoknowhowfineshewas。Isawinimaginationthebusy，exciteddinnertablesatworkuponusall，ratherpleasantlyexcited，brightlyindignant，merciless。

Well，it\'sthestuffweare！……

Thensuddenly，stabbingmetotheheart，cameavisionofMargaret\'stearsandthesoundofhervoicesaying，"Husbandmine！Oh！husbandmine！Toseeyoucry！"……

Icameoutofacloudofthoughtstodiscoverthenarrowcompartment，withitsfeeblelampoverhead，andourrugsandhand-

baggageswayingontherack，andIsabel，verystillinfrontofme，grippingmywiltingredrosestightlyinherbareandringlesshand。

ForamomentIcouldnotunderstandherattitude，andthenI

perceivedshewassittingbenttogetherwithherheadavertedfromthelighttohidethetearsthatwerestreamingdownherface。ShehadnotgotherhandkerchiefoutforfearthatIshouldseethis，butIsawhertears，darkdropsoftears，uponhersleeve……

Isupposeshehadbeenwatchingmyexpression，diviningmythoughts。

ForatimeIstaredatherandwasmotionless，inasortofstillandwearyamazement。Whyhadwedonethisinjurytooneanother？

WHY？Thensomethingstirredwithinme。

"ISABEL！"Iwhispered。

Shemadenosign。

"Isabel！"Irepeated，andthencrossedovertoherandcreptcloselytoher，putmyarmabouther，anddrewherwetcheektomine。

End