第11章

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Icometothemostevasiveanddifficultpartofmystory，whichistotellhowIsabelandIhavemadeacommonwreckofourjointlives。

Itisnotthetellingofonesimpledisastrousaccident。Therewasaveininournaturesthatledtothiscollapse，graduallyandatthispointandthatitcrepttothesurface。Onemayindeedseeourdestruction——forindeedpoliticallywecouldnotbemoreextinctifwehadbeenshotdead——intheformofacatastropheasdisconnectedandconclusiveasameteoricstonefallingoutofheavenupontwofriendsandcrushingthemboth。ButIdonotthinkthatistruetooursituationorourselves。Wewerenottakenbysurprise。Thethingwasinusandnotfromwithout，itwasakintoourwayofthinkingandourhabitualattitudes；ithad，forallitsimpulsiveeffect，acertainnecessity。Wemighthaveescapednodoubt，astwomenatahundredyardsmayshootateachotherwithpistolsforaconsiderabletimeandescape。Butitisn\'tparticularlyreasonabletotalkofthecontrarietyoffateiftheybothgethit。

IsabelandIweredangeroustoeachotherforseveralyearsoffriendship，andnotquiteunwittinglyso。

Inwritingthis，moreover，thereisaverygreatdifficultyinsteeringmywaybetweentwoequallyundesirabletonesinthetelling。InthefirstplaceIdonotwanttoseemtoconfessmysinswithapenitenceIamverydoubtfulifIfeel。NowthatIhavegotIsabelwecannodoubtcountthecostofitandfeelunquenchableregrets，butIamnotsurewhether，ifwecouldbeputbacknowintosuchcircumstancesaswewereinayearago，ortwoyearsago，whetherwithmyeyesfullyopenIshouldnotdooveragainverymuchasIdid。AndontheotherhandIdonotwanttojustifythethingswehavedone。Wearetwobadpeople——ifthereistobeanyclassificationofgoodandbadatall，wehaveactedbadly，andquiteapartfromanyotherconsiderationswe\'velargelywastedourownverygreatpossibilities。Butitispartofaqueerhumourthatunderliesallthis，thatIfindmyselfslippingagainandagainintoasentimentaltreatmentofourcasethatisasunpremeditatedasitisinsincere。WhenIamalittletiredafteramorning\'swritingIfindthefaintsuggestiongettingintoeveryothersentencethatourblundersandmisdeedsembodied，afterthefashionoftheprophetHosea，profoundmoraltruths。Indeed，IfeelsolittleconfidenceinmyabilitytokeepthisaltogetheroutofmybookthatIwarnthereaderherethatinspiteofanythinghemayreadelsewhereinthestory，intimatinghowevershylyanesotericandexaltedvirtueinourproceedings，theplaintruthofthisbusinessisthatIsabelandIwantedeachotherwithawantentirelyformless，inconsiderate，andoverwhelming。AndthoughIcouldtellyoucountlessdelightfulandbeautifulthingsaboutIsabel，werethisabookinherpraise，Icannoteitheranalysethatwantoraccountforitsextremeintensity。

Iwillconfessthatdeepinmymindthereisabeliefinasortofwildrightnessaboutanylovethatisfraughtwithbeauty，butthateludesmeandvanishesagain，andisnot，Ifeel，tobeputwiththerealveracitiesandrighteousnessesandvirtuesinthepaddocksandmenageriesofhumanreason……

Wehavealreadyachild，andMargaretwaschildless，andIfindmyselfpronetoinsistuponthat，asifitwasajustification。

But，indeed，whenwebecameloverstherewassmallthoughtofEugenicsbetweenus。Ourswasamutualandnotaphiloprogenitivepassion。OldNaturebehindusmayhavehadsuchpurposeswithus，butitisnotforustoannexherintentionsbyamoralisingafterthought。Thereisn\'t，infact，anydecentjustificationforuswhatever——atthatthestorymuststand。

Butifthereisnojustificationthereisatleastaveryeffectiveexcuseinthementalconfusednessofourtime。Theevasionofthatpassionatelythoroughexpositionofbeliefandofthegroundsofmorality，whichistheoutcomeofthemercenaryreligiouscompromisesofthelateVaticanperiod，thestupidsuppressionofanythingbutthemosttimiddiscussionofsexualmoralityinourliteratureanddrama，thepervadingcultivatedandprotectedmuddle-

headedness，leavesmentallyvigorouspeoplewithrelativelyenormouspossibilitiesofdestructionandlittleeffectivehelp。Theyfindthemselvesconfrontedbythehabitsandprejudicesofmanifestlycommonplacepeople，andbythatextraordinarypatched-upChristianity，thecultofa"Bromsteadised"deity，diffused，scattered，andaimless，whichhidesfromexaminationandanypossibilityoffaithbehindthepleaofgoodtaste。Agodaboutwhomthereisdelicacyisfarworsethannogodatall。WeareFORCEDtobelawsuntoourselvesandtoliveexperimentally。Itisinevitablethataconsiderablefractionofjustthatbolder，moreinitiatorysectionoftheintellectualcommunity，thesectionthatcanleastbesparedfromthecollectivelifeinaperiodoftrialandchange，willdriftintosuchemotionalcrisesandsuchdisasterasovertookus。Mostperhapswillescape，butmanywillgodown，manymorethantheworldcanspare。Itistheunwrittenlawofallourpubliclife，andthesameholdstrueofAmerica，thatanhonestopenscandalendsacareer。Englandinthelastquarterofacenturyhaswastedhalfadozenstatesmenonthisscore；shewould，Ibelieve，rejectNelsonnowifhesoughttoserveher。Isitwonderfulthattousfrettinghereinexilethisshouldseemthecruellestaswellasthemostfoolisheliminationofanecessarysocialelement？Itdestroysnovice；forvicehidesbynature。Itnotonlyrewardsdullnessasifitwerepositivevirtue，butsetsanenormouspremiumuponhypocrisy。Thatismycase，andthatiswhyI

amtellingthissideofmystorywithsomuchexplicitness。

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EversincetheKinghamsteadelectionIhadmaintainedwhatseemedadesultoryfriendshipwithIsabel。AtfirstitwasratherIsabelkeptitupthanI。WheneverMargaretandIwentdowntothatvilla，withitsthreeorfouracresofgardenandshrubberyaboutit，whichfulfilledourelectionpromisetoliveatKinghamstead，Isabelwouldturnupinastateoffrankcheerfulness，rejoicingatus，andtalkallshewasreadingandthinkingtome，andstayforalltherestoftheday。Inhershamelesslikingformeshewasasnaturalasasavage。Shewouldexercisemevigorouslyattennis，whileMargaretlayandrestedherbackintheafternoon，orguidemeforsomelongramblethatdodgedthesuburbanandcongestedpatchesoftheconstituencywithamazingskill。Shetookpossessionofmeinthatunabashed，straight-mindedwayagirlwillsometimesadoptwithaman，chosemypathorcriticisedmygamewithamotherlysolicitudeformywelfarethatwasabsurdanddelightful。Andwetalked。Wediscussedandcriticisedthestoriesofnovels，scrapsofhistory，pictures，socialquestions，socialism，thepolicyoftheGovernment。

Shewasyoungandmostunevenlyinformed，butshewasamazinglysharpandquickandgood。NeverbeforeinmylifehadIknownagirlofherage，orawomanofherquality。Ihadneverdreamttherewassuchtalkintheworld。KinghamsteadbecamealightlessplacewhenshewenttoOxford。Heavenknowshowmuchthatmaynothaveprecipitatedmyabandonmentoftheseat！

ShewenttoRidoutCollege，Oxford，andthatcertainlyweighedwithmewhenpresentlyaftermybreachwiththeLiberalsvariouslittleundergraduatesocietiesbegantoaskforlecturesanddiscussions。

IfavouredOxford。IdeclaredopenlyIdidsobecauseofher。AtthattimeIthinkweneitherofussuspectedthepossibilityofpassionthatlaylikeacoiledsnakeinthepathbeforeus。Itseemedtousthatwehadthequaintest，mostdelightfulfriendshipintheworld；shewasmypupil，andIwasherguide，philosopher，andfriend。Peoplesmiledindulgently——evenMargaretsmiledindulgently——atourattractionforoneanother。

Suchfriendshipsarenotuncommonnowadays——amongeasy-going，liberal-mindedpeople。Forthemostpart，there\'snosortofharm，aspeoplesay，inthem。Thetwopersonsconcernedareneversupposedtothinkofthepassionatelovethathoverssoclosetothefriendship，oriftheydo，thentheybanishthethought。Ithinkwekeptthethoughtaspermanentlyinexileasanyonecoulddo。Ifitdidinoddmomentscomeintoourheadswepretendedelaboratelyitwasn\'tthere。

Onlywewerebothveryeasilyjealousofeachother\'sattention，andtremendouslyinsistentuponeachother\'spreference。

IrememberonceduringtheOxforddaysanintimationthatshouldhavesetmethinking，andIsupposediscreetlydisentanglingmyself。

ItwasoneSundayafternoon，anditmusthavebeenaboutMay，forthetreesandshrubsofRidoutCollegeweregaywithblossom，andfreshwiththenewsharpgreensofspring。IhadwalkedtalkingwithIsabelandacoupleofothergirlsthroughthewidegardensoftheplace，seenandcriticisedthenewbrickpond，noddedtothedaughterofthisfriendandthatinthehammocksunderthetrees，andpickedawayamongthescatteredtea-partiesonthelawntoourowncircleonthegrassunderaSiberiancrabnearthegreatbaywindow。ThereIsatandategreatquantitiesofcake，anddiscussedthetacticsoftheSuffragettes。IhadmadesomecommentsuponthespiritofthemovementinanaddresstothemeninPembroke，andithadgotabroad，andagroupofgirlsandwomendonswerenowhavingitoutwithme。

Iforgetthedriftoftheconversation，orwhatitwasmadeIsabelinterruptme。Shedidinterruptme。Shebadbeenlyingproneonthegroundatmyrighthand，chinonfists，listeningthoughtfully，andIwassittingbesideoldLadyEversheadonagardenseat。I

turnedtoIsabel\'svoice，andsawherfaceuplifted，andherdearcheeksandnoseandforeheadallsplashedandbarredwithsunlightandtheshadowsofthetwigsofthetreesbehindme。Andsomething——

aninfinitetenderness，stabbedme。Itwasakeenphysicalfeeling，likenothingIhadeverfeltbefore。Ithadaqualityoftearsinit。Forthefirsttimeinmynarrowandconcentratedlifeanotherhumanbeinghadreallythrustintomybeingandgrippedmyveryheart。

Oureyesmetperplexedforanextraordinarymoment。ThenIturnedbackandaddressedmyselfalittlestifflytothesubstanceofherintervention。ForsometimeIcouldn\'tlookatheragain。

FromthattimeforthIknewIlovedIsabelbeyondmeasure。

Yetitiscuriousthatitneveroccurredtomeforayearorsothatthiswaslikelytobeamatterofpassionbetweenus。IhavetoldhowdefinitelyIputmyimaginationintoharnessinthosemattersatmymarriage，andIwaslivingnowinaworldofbiginterests，wherethereisneithermuchtimenorinclinationfordeliberatelove-

making。Isupposethereisalargeclassofmenwhonevermeetagirlorawomanwithoutthinkingofsex，whomeetafriend\'sdaughteranddecide："Mustn\'tgetfriendlywithher——wouldn\'tDO，"

andsetinvisiblebarsbetweenthemselvesandallthewivesintheworld。Perhapsthatisthewaytolive。Perhapsthereisnoothermethodthanthiseffectualannihilationofhalf——andthemostsympatheticandattractivehalf——ofthehumanbeingsintheworld，sofarasanyfrankintercourseisconcerned。Iamquiteconvincedanyhowthatsuchaqualifiedintimacyasours，suchadriftingintothesenseofpossession，suchuntrammeledconversationwithaninvisible，implacablelimitsetjustwheretheintimacyglows，itisnokindoftolerablecompromise。Ifmenandwomenaretogosofartogether，theymustbefreetogoasfarastheymaywanttogo，withoutthevindictivedestructionthathascomeuponus。Onthebasisoftheacceptedcodesthejealouspeopleareright，andtheliberal-mindedonesareplayingwithfire。Ifpeoplearenottolove，thentheymustbekeptapart。Iftheyarenottobekeptapart，thenwemustprepareforanunprecedentedtolerationoflovers。

IsabelwasasunforeseeingasItobeginwith，butsexmarchesintothelifeofanintelligentgirlwithdemandsandchallengesfarmoreurgentthanthemerecallofcuriosityandsatiabledesirethatcomestoayoungman。Nowomanyethasdaredtotellthestoryofthatunfolding。Sheattractedmen，andsheencouragedthem，andwatchedthem，andtestedthem，anddismissedthem，andconcealedthesubstanceofherthoughtsabouttheminthewaythatseemsinstinctiveinanatural-mindedgirl。Therewasevenanengagement——

amidsttheprotestsanddisapprovalofthecollegeauthorities。I

neversawtheman，thoughshegavemealonghistoryoftheaffair，towhichIlistenedwithaforcedandinsinceresympathy。Shestruckmeoddlyastakingtherelationshipforathinginitself，andregardlessofitsconsequences。Afteratimeshebecamesilentabouthim，andthenthrewhimover；andbythattime，Ithink，forallthatshewassomuchmyjunior，sheknewmoreaboutherselfandmethanIwastoknowforseveralyearstocome。

Wedidn\'tseeeachotherforsomemonthsaftermyresignation，butwekeptupafrequentcorrespondence。Shesaidtwiceoverthatshewantedtotalktome，thatlettersdidn\'tconveywhatonewantedtosay，andIwentuptoOxfordprettydefinitelytoseeher——thoughI

combineditwithoneortwootherengagements——somewhereinFebruary。Insensiblyshehadbecomeimportantenoughformetomakejourneysforher。

Butwedidn\'tseeverymuchofoneanotheronthatoccasion。Therewassomethingintheairbetweenusthatmadeafaintembarrassment；

themerefact，perhaps，thatshehadaskedmetocomeup。

Ayearbeforeshewouldhavedashedoffwithmequiteunscrupulouslytotalkalone，carriedmeofftoherroomforanhourwithaminuteofchaperonagetosatisfytherules。Nowtherewasalwayssomeoneorothernearusthatitseemedimpossibletoexorcise。

WewentforawalkontheSundayafternoonwitholdFortescue，K。

C。，who\'dcomeuptoseehistwodaughters，bothgreatfriendsofIsabel\'s，andsomemuteingloriousdonwhosenameIforget，butwhowasinastateofmarkedadmirationforher。Thesixofusplayedagameofconversationalentanglementsthroughout，andmostlyIwasimpressingtheFortescuegirlswiththewantofmentalconcentrationpossibleinarisingpolitician。WewentdownCarfex，Iremember，toFollyBridge，andinspectedtheBarges，andthenbackbywayofMertontotheBotanicGardensandMagdalenBridge。AndintheBotanicGardensshegotalmostheronlychancewithme。

"LastmonthsatOxford，"shesaid。

"Andthen？"Iasked。

"I\'mcomingtoLondon，"shesaid。

"Towrite？"

Shewassilentforamoment。Thenshesaidabruptly，withthatquickflushofhersandasuddenboldnessinhereyes："I\'mgoingtoworkwithyou。Whyshouldn\'tI？"

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Here，again，IsupposeIhadafairwarningofthedriftofthings。

IseemtoremembermyselfinthetraintoPaddington，sittingwithahandfulofpapers——galleyproofsfortheBLUEWEEKLY，Isuppose——onmylap，andthinkingaboutherandthatlastsentenceofhers，andallthatitmightmeantome。

Itisveryhardtorecalleventhemainoutlineofanythingsoelusiveasameditation。Iknowthattheideaofworkingwithhergrippedme，fascinatedme。Thatmyvalueinherlifeseemedgrowingfilledmewithprideandakindofgratitude。Iwasalreadyinnodoubtthathervalueinmylifewastremendous。Itmadeitnonetheless，thatinthosedaysIwasobsessedbytheideathatshewastransitory，andboundtogooutofmylifeagain。Itisnogoodtryingtosettoofineafaceuponthiscomplexbusiness，thereisgoldandclayandsunlightandsavageryineverylovestory，andamultitudeofelvishelementspeepedoutbeneaththefinerichcurtainofaffectionthatmaskedourfuture。I\'veneverproperlyweighedhowimmenselymyvanitywasgratifiedbyherclearpreferenceforme。NorcanIforamomentdeterminehowmuchdeliberateintentionIhidefrommyselfinthisaffair。

CertainlyIthinksomepartofmemusthavebeensayinginthetrain："Leavegoofher。Getawayfromher。Endthisnow。"I

can\'thavebeensostupidasnottohavehadthatinmymind……

Ifshehadbeenonlyabeautifulgirlinlovewithme，IthinkI

couldhavemanagedthesituation。OnceortwicesincemymarriageandbeforeIsabelbecameofanysignificanceinmylife，therehadbeenincidentswithotherpeople，flashesoftemptation——notellingispossibleofthethingresisted。Ithinkthatmerebeautyandpassionwouldnothavetakenme。ButbetweenmyselfandIsabelthingswereincurablycomplicatedbytheintellectualsympathywehad，thejollymarchofourmindstogether。Thathasalwaysmatteredenormously。Ishouldhavewantedhercompanynearlyasbadlyifshehadbeensomecrippledoldlady；wewouldhavehuntedshouldertoshoulder，astwomen。Onlytwomenwouldneverhavehadthepatienceandreadinessforoneanotherwetwohad。IhadneverforyearsmetanyonewithwhomIcouldbesocarelesslysureofunderstandingortowhomIcouldlistensoeasilyandfully。Shegaveme，withanextraordinarycompleteness，thatrare，preciouseffectofalwayssayingsomethingfresh，andyetsayingitsothatitfilledintoandfoldedaboutallthelittlerecessesandcornersofmymindwithaninfinite，softfamiliarity。Itisimpossibletoexplainthat。Itisliketryingtoexplainwhyhervoice，hervoiceheardspeakingtoanyone——heardspeakinginanotherroom——pleasedmyears。

ShewastheonlyOxfordwomanwhotookafirstthatyear。ShespentthesummerinScotlandandYorkshire，writingtomecontinuallyofallshenowmeanttodo，andstirringmyimagination。ShecametoLondonfortheautumnsession。ForatimeshestayedwitholdLadyColbeck，butshefelloutwithherhostesswhenitbecameclearshewantedtowrite，notnovels，butjournalism，andthensheseteveryonetalkingbytakingaflatnearVictoriaandinstallingashersoleprotectoranelderlyGermangovernessshehadengagedthroughascholasticagency。Shebeganwriting，notinthatcopiousfloodtheundisciplinedyoungwomanofgiftsisapttoproduce，butinexactlythemannerofanableyoungman，experimentingwithforms，developingthephrasingofopinions，takingadefiniteline。Shewas，ofcourse，tremendouslydiscussed。Shewasdisapprovedof，butshewasinvitedouttodinner。Shegotratherareputationforthemanagementofelderlydistinguishedmen。ItwasanoddexperiencetofollowMargaret\'ssoftrustleofsilkintosomebigdrawing-roomanddiscovermysnub-nosedgirlinthebluesacktransformedintoashiningcreatureinthesoftsplendourofpearlsandivory-whiteandlace，andwithasilverbandaboutherduskyhair。

Foratimewedidnotmeetveryfrequently，thoughalwayssheprofessedanunblushingpreferenceformycompany，andtalkedmyviewsandsoughtmeout。ThenherusefulnessupontheBLUEWEEKLY

begantolinkuscloselier。Shewouldcomeuptotheoffice，andsitbythewindow，andtalkovertheproofsofthenextweek\'sarticles，goingthroughmyintentionswithakeeninvestigatoryscalpel。Hertalkalwaysputsmeinmindofasteelblade。Herwritingbecamerapidlyverygood；shehadawitandaturnofthephrasethatwasallherown。WeseemedtohaveforgottenthelittleshadowofembarrassmentthathadfallenoverourlastmeetingatOxford。Everythingseemednaturalandeasybetweenusinthosedays；alittleunconventional，butthatmadeitallthebrighter。

Wedevelopedsomethinglikeacustomofwalks，aboutonceaweekorso，andlettersandnotesbecamefrequent。Iwon\'tpretendthingswerenotkeenlypersonalbetweenus，buttheyhadanairofbeinginnocentlymental。Sheusedtocallme"Master"inourtalks，amonstrousandengagingflattery，andIwasinordinatelyproudtohaveherasmypupil。Whowouldn\'thavebeen？Andwewentonatthatdistanceforalongtime——untilwithinayearoftheHanditchelection。

AfterLadyColbeckthrewherupasaltogethertoo"intellectual"forcomfortablecontrol，IsabelwastakenupbytheBalfesinalessformalandcompromisingmanner，andweek-endedwiththemandtheircousinLeonoraSparling，andspentlargeportionsofhersummerwiththeminHerefordshire。Therewasaloverorsointhattime，menwhocamealittletimidlyatthisbrilliantyoungpersonwiththefrankmannerandtheAmazonianmind，and，shedeclared，receivedherkindlyrefusalswithmanifestrelief。AndArnoldShoesmithstruckupasortoffriendshipthatoddlyimitatedmine。Shetookalikingtohimbecausehewasclumsyandshyandinexpressive；sheembarkeduponthedangerousinterestofhelpinghimtofindhissoul。Ihadsometwingesofjealousyaboutthat。Ididn\'tseethenecessityofhim。Heinvadedhertime，andIthoughtthatmightinterferewithherwork。IftheirfriendshipstolesomehoursfromIsabel\'swriting，itdidnotforalongwhileinterferewithourwalksorourtalks，orthecloseintimacywehadtogether。

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ThensuddenlyIsabelandIfoundourselvespassionatelyinlove。

ThechangecamesoentirelywithoutwarningorintentionthatIfinditimpossiblenowtotelltheorderofitsphases。WhatdisturbedpebblestartedtheavalancheIcannottrace。Perhapsitwassimplythatthebarriersbetweenusandthismaskedaspectoflifehadbeenwearingdownunperceived。

AndtherecameachangeinIsabel。Itwaslikesomechangeinthecycleofnature，liketheonsetofspring——asharpbrightness，anuneasiness。Shebecamerestlesswithherwork；littleencounterswithmenbegantohappen，encountersnotquiteinthequalityoftheearlierproposals；andthencameanoddincidentofwhichshetoldme，butsomehow，Ifelt，didn\'ttellmecompletely。Shetoldmeallshewasabletotellme。ShehadbeenatadanceattheRopers\'，andaman，ratherwellknowninLondon，hadkissedher。Thethingamazedherbeyondmeasure。Itwasthesortofthingimmediatelypossiblebetweenanymanandanywoman，thatoneneverexpectstohappenuntilithappens。Ithadthesurprisingeffectofajudgegenerallyknowntobebaldsuddenlywhippingoffhiswigincourt。

Noabsolutelyunexpectedrevelationcouldhavequitethesamequalityofshock。Shewentthroughthewholethingtomewitharemarkabledetachment，toldmehowshehadfelt——andtheoddthingsitseemedtoopentoher。

"IWANTtobekissed，andallthatsortofthing，"sheavowed。"I

supposeeverywomandoes。"

Sheaddedafterapause："AndIdon\'twantanyonetodoit。"

Thisstruckmeasqueerlyexpressiveofthewoman\'sattitudetothesethings。"Someonepresentlywill——solvethat，"Isaid。

"Someonewillperhaps。"

Iwassilent。

"Someonewill，"shesaid，almostviciously。"Andthenwe\'llhavetostopthesewalksandtalksofours，dearMaster……I\'llbesorrytogivethemup。"

"It\'spartoftherequirementsofthesituation，"Isaid，"thatheshouldbe——oh，veryinteresting！He\'llstart，nodoubt，allsortsofnewtopics，andopennoendofattractivevistas……Youcan\'t，youknow，alwaysgoaboutinastateofpupillage。"

"Idon\'tthinkIcan，"saidIsabel。"Butit\'sonlyjustrecentlyI\'vebeguntodoubtaboutit。"

Irememberthesethingsbeingsaid，butjusthowmuchwesawandunderstood，andjusthowfarwewerereallykeepingopaquetoeachotherthen，Icannotremember。ButitmusthavebeenquitesoonafterthisthatwespentnearlyawholedaytogetheratKewGardens，withthecurtainsupandthebarriersdown，andthethingthathadhappenedplainbeforeoureyes。Idon\'trememberweevermadeanydeclaration。Wejustassumedthenewfooting……

Itwasadayearlyinthatyear——IthinkinJanuary，becausetherewasthin，crispsnowonthegrass，andwenotedthatonlytwootherpeoplehadbeentothePagodathatday。I\'veacuriousimpressionofgreenishcolour，hot，moistairandhugepalmfrondsaboutverymuchofourtalk，asthoughwewerenearlyallthetimeintheTropicalHouse。ButIalsorememberveryvividlylookingatcertainorangeandredspray-likeflowersfromPatagonia，whichcouldnothavebeenthere。ItisacuriousthingthatIdonotrememberwemadeanyprofessionofpassionateloveforoneanother；wetalkedasthoughthefactofourintenseloveforeachotherhadalwaysbeenpatentbetweenus。Therewassolongandfrankanintimacybetweenusthatwetalkedfarmorelikebrotherandsisterorhusbandandwifethantwopeopleengagedinthewarofthesexes。Wewantedtoknowwhatweweregoingtodo，andwhateverwedidwemeanttodointhemostperfectconcert。Webothfeltanextraordinaryaccessionoffriendshipandtendernessthen，and，whatagainiscurious，verylittlepassion。Buttherewasalso，inspiteoftheperplexitieswefaced，animmensesatisfactionaboutthatday。Itwasasifwehadtakenoffsomethingthathadhinderedourviewofeachother，likepeoplewhounvizardtotalkmoreeasilyatamaskedball。

I\'vehadsincetoviewourrelationsfromthestandpointoftheordinaryobserver。Ifindthatvisioninthemostpreposterouscontrastwithallthatreallywentonbetweenus。IsupposethereI

shouldfigureasawickedseducer，whileanunprotectedgirlsuccumbedtomyfascinations。Asamatteroffact，itdidn\'toccurtousthattherewasanypersonalinequalitybetweenus。Iknewherformyequalmentally；insomanythingsshewasbeyondcomparisonclevererthanI；hercourageoutwentmine。Thequickleapofhermindevokedaflashofjoyinmineliketheresponseofaninductionwire；herwayofthinkingwaslikewatchingsunlightreflectedfromlittlewavesuponthesideofaboat，itwassobright，somobile，sovariouslyandeasilytruetoitslaw。Inthebackofourmindswebothhadaverydefinitebeliefthatmakingloveisfullofjoyous，splendid，tender，andexcitingpossibilities，andwehadtodiscusswhyweshouldn\'tbetothelastdegreelovers。

Now，whatIshouldliketoprinthere，ifitwerepossible，inallthescreamingemphasisofredink，isthis：thatthecircumstancesofmyupbringingandthecircumstancesofIsabel\'supbringinghadleftnotashadowofbelieforfeelingthattheutmostpassionatelovebetweenuswasinitselfintrinsicallyWRONG。I\'vetoldwiththefullestparticularityjustallthatIwastaughtorfoundoutformyselfinthesematters，andIsabel\'sreadingandthinking，andthefiercesilencesofhergovernessesandthebreathlesswarningsofteachers，andallthesocialandreligiousinfluencesthathadbeenbroughttobearuponher，hadworkedouttothesamevoidofconviction。Thecodehadfailedwithusaltogether。Wedidn\'tforamomentconsideranythingbuttheexpediencyofwhatweboth，forallourquietfacesandsteadyeyes，wantedmostpassionatelytodo。

Well，hereyouhavethestateofmindofwholebrigadesofpeople，andparticularlyofyoungpeople，nowadays。Thecurrentmoralityhasn\'tgrippedthem；theydon\'treallybelieveinitatall。Theymayrenderitlip-service，butthatisquiteanotherthing。Therearescarcelyanytolerablenovelstojustifyitsprohibitions；itsprohibitionsdo，infact，remainunjustifiedamongsttheseuglysuppressions。Youmay，ifyouchoose，silencetheadmissionofthisinliteratureandcurrentdiscussion；youwillnotpreventitworkingoutinlives。Peoplecomeuptothegreatmomentsofpassioncrudelyunaware，astoundinglyunpreparedasnoreallycivilisedandintelligentlyplannedcommunitywouldletanyonebeunprepared。Theyfindthemselveshedgedaboutwithcustomsthathavenoorganicholduponthem，andmerediscretionsallgenerousspiritsaredisposedtodespise。

Considertheinfiniteabsurditiesofit！Multitudesofusaretryingtorunthiscomplexmoderncommunityonabasisof"Hush"

withoutexplainingtoourchildrenordiscussingwiththemanythingaboutloveandmarriageatall。Doubtandknowledgecreepaboutinenforceddarknessesandsilences。Wearelivinguponanancienttraditionwhicheverybodydoubtsandnobodyhaseveranalysed。Weaffectatremendousandcultivatedshynessanddelicacyaboutimperativesofthemostarbitraryappearance。Whatensues？Whatdidensuewithus，forexample？Ontheonehandwasagreatdesire，robbedofanyappearanceofshameandgrossnessbythepoweroflove，andontheotherhand，thepossiblejealousyofsoandso，thedisapprovalofsoandso，materialrisksanddangers。Itisonlyintheretrospectthatwehavebeenabletograspsomethingoftheeffectualcaseagainstus。Thesocialprohibitionlitbytheintenseglowofourpassion，presenteditselfaspreposterous，irrational，arbitrary，andugly，amonsterfitonlyformockery。Wemightberuined！Well，thereisaphaseineveryloveaffair，asortofheroichysteria，whendeathandruinareagreeableadditionstotheprospect。Itgivesthebusinessagravity，asolemnity。

Timidpeoplemayhesitateanddrawbackwithavagueinstinctiveterroroftheimmensityoftheoppositionstheychallenge，butneitherIsabelnorIaretimidpeople。

Weweighedwhatwasagainstus。Wedecidedjustexactlyasscoresofthousandsofpeoplehavedecidedinthisverymatter，thatifitwerepossibletokeepthisthingtoourselves，therewasnothingagainstit。Andsowetookourfirststep。Withthehungerofloveinus，itwaseasytoconcludewemightbelovers，andstillkeepeverythingtoourselves。Thatclearedourmindsoftheonepersistentobstaclethatmatteredtous——thehauntingpresenceofMargaret。

Andthenwefound，asallthosescoresofthousandsofpeoplescatteredaboutushavefound，thatwecouldnotkeepittoourselves。Lovewillout。Alltherestofthisstoryisthechronicleofthat。Lovewithsustainedsecrecycannotbelove。Itisjustexactlythepointpeopledonotunderstand。

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Butbeforethingscametothatpass，somemonthsandmanyphasesandasuddenjourneytoAmericaintervened。

"Thisthingspellsdisaster，"Isaid。"YouaretoobigandIamtoobigtoattemptthissecrecy。Thinkoftheintolerablepossibilityofbeingfoundout！Atanycostwehavetostop——evenatthecostofparting。"

"Justbecausewemaybefoundout！"

"Justbecausewemaybefoundout。"

"Master，Ishouldn\'tintheleastmindbeingfoundoutwithyou。

I\'mafraid——I\'dbeproud。"

"Waittillithappens。"

Therefollowedastruggleofimmenseinsinceritybetweenus。Itishardtotellwhourgedandwhoresisted。

ShecametomeonenighttotheeditorialroomoftheBLUEWEEKLY，andarguedandkissedmewithwetsaltlips，andweptinmyarms；

shetoldmethatnowpassionatelongingformeandmyintimatelifepossessedher，sothatshecouldnotwork，couldnotthink，couldnotendureotherpeoplefortheloveofme……

Ifledabsurdly。ThatisthesecretofthefutilejourneytoAmericathatpuzzledallmyfriends。

IranawayfromIsabel。Itookholdofthesituationwithallmystrength，putinBrittenwithsketchy，hastyinstructionstoeditthepaper，andstartedheadlongandwithluggage，fromwhich，amongotherthings，myshavingthingswereomitted，uponatourroundtheworld。

Preposterousflightthatwas！IrememberasathingalmostfarcicalmyexplanationstoMargaret，andhowfranticallyanxiousIwastopreventtheremotepossibilityofhercomingwithme，andhowI

crossedintheTUSCAN，abad，wetboat，andmixedseasicknesswithungovernablesorrow。Iwept——tears。Itwasinexpressiblyqueerandridiculous——and，goodGod！howIhatedmyfellow-passengers！

NewYorkinflamedandexcitedmeforatime，andwhenthingsslackened，IwhirledwestwardtoChicago——eatinganddrinking，I

remember，inthetrainfromshoalsoflittledishes，withasortofdesperatevoracity。Ididthequeerestthingstodistractmyself——

nonovelistwoulddaretoinventmymentalandemotionalmuddle。

Chicagoalsoheldmeatfirst，amazinglapsefromcivilisationthattheplaceis！andthenabruptly，withhostsexpectingme，andeverythingsettledforsomedaysinDenver，Ifoundmyselfattheendofmyrenunciations，andturnedandcamebackheadlongtoLondon。

Letmeconfessitwasn\'tanysenseofperfectandincurabletrustandconfidencethatbroughtmeback，oranyideathatnowIhadstrengthtorefrain。Itwasasuddenrealisationthatafteralltheseparationmightsucceed；somecarelessphrasinginoneofherjealouslyreadletterssetthatideagoinginmymind——thehauntingperceptionthatImightreturntoLondonandfinditemptyoftheIsabelwhohadpervadedit。Honour，discretion，thecareersofbothofus，becamenothingatthethought。Icouldn\'tconceivemyliferesumingtherewithoutIsabel。Icouldn\'t，inshort，standit。

Idon\'tevenexcusemyreturn。Itisinexcusable。Ioughttohavekeptuponmywaywestward——andheldout。Icouldn\'t。IwantedIsabel，andIwantedhersobadlynowthateverythingelseintheworldwasphantom-likeuntilthatwantwassatisfied。Perhapsyouhaveneverwantedanythinglikethat。Iwentstraighttoher。

ButhereIcometountellablethings。Thereisnodescribingtherealityoflove。Theshapesofthingsarenothing，theactualhappeningsarenothing，exceptthatsomehowtherefallsalightuponthemandawonder。Ofhowwemet，andthethrilloftheadventure，thecuriousbrightsenseofdefiance，thejoyofhavingdared，I

can\'ttell——Icanbuthintofjustoneaspect，ofwhatanamazingLARK——it\'stheonlyword——itseemedtous。Thebeautywhichwastheessenceofit，whichjustifiesitsofarasitwillbearjustification，eludesstatement。

Whatcanarecordofcontrivedmeetings，ofsunderingdifficultiesevadedandovercome，signifyhere？Orwhatcanitconveytosaythatonelookeddeepintotwodear，steadfasteyes，orfeltaheartthrobandbeat，orgrippedsofthairsoftlyinatremblinghand？

Robbedofencompassinglove，thesethingsareofnomorevaluethanthetasteofgoodwineorthesightofgoodpictures，orthehearingofmusic，——justsensualityandnomore。Noonecantelllove——wecanonlytellthegrossfactsofloveanditsconsequences。Givenlove——givenmutuality，andonehaseffectedasupremesynthesisandcometoanewleveloflife——butonlythosewhoknowcanknow。ThisbusinesshasbroughtmemorebitternessandsorrowthanIhadeverexpectedtobear，butevennowIwillnotsaythatIregretthatwilfulhome-comingaltogether。Weloved——totheuttermost。Neitherofuscouldhavelovedanyoneelseaswedidanddoloveoneanother。Itwasours，thatbeauty；itexistedonlybetweenuswhenwewereclosetogether，fornooneintheworldevertoknowsaveourselves。

Myreturntotheofficesticksoutinmymemorywithanextremevividness，becauseofthewildeagleofpridethatscreamedwithinme。ItwasTuesdaymorning，andthoughnotasoulinLondonknewofityetexceptIsabel，IhadbeenbackinEnglandaweek。IcameinuponBrittenandstoodinthedoorway。

"GOD！"hesaidatthesightofme。

"I\'mback，"Isaid。

Helookedatmyexcitedfacewiththosered-browneyesofhis。

SilentlyIdefiedhimtospeakhismind。

"Wheredidyouturnback？"hesaidatlast。

6

Ihadtotellwhatwere，sofarasIcanremembermyfirstpositiveliestoMargaretinexplainingthatreturn。IhadwrittentoherfromChicagoandagainfromNewYork，sayingthatIfeltIoughttobeonthespotinEnglandforthenewsession，andthatIwascomingback——presently。Iconcealedthenameofmyboatfromher，andmadeacalculatedprevaricationwhenIannouncedmypresenceinLondon。

ItelephonedbeforeIwentbackformyroomstobeprepared。Shewas，Iknew，withtheBuntingHarblowsinDurham，andwhenshecamebacktoRadnorSquareIhadbeenathomeaday。

Irememberherreturnsowell。

Mygoingawayandthevividsecretofthepresenthadwipedoutfrommymindmuchofourlongestrangement。Something，too，hadchangedinher。Ihadhadsomehintofitinherletters，butnowIsawitplainly。IcameoutofmystudyuponthelandingwhenIheardtheturmoilofherarrivalbelow，andshecameupstairswithaquickenedgladness。ItwasacoldMarch，andshewasdressedinunfamiliardarkfursthatsuitedherextremelyandreinforcedthedelicateflushofhersweetface。Sheheldoutbothherhandstome，anddrewmetoherunhesitatinglyandkissedme。

"Sogladyouareback，dear，"shesaid。"Oh！soverygladyouareback。"

Ireturnedherkisswithaqueerfeelingatmyheart，tooundifferentiatedtobeevenadefinitesenseofguiltormeanness。

Ithinkitwaschieflyamazement——attheuniverse——atmyself。

"Ineverknewwhatitwastobeawayfromyou，"shesaid。

Iperceivedsuddenlythatshehadresolvedtoendourestrangement。

Sheputherselfsothatmyarmcamecaressinglyabouther。

"Thesearejollyfurs，"Isaid。

"Igotthemforyou。"

Theparlourmaidappearedbelowdealingwiththemaidandtheluggagecab。

"TellmeallaboutAmerica，"saidMargaret。"Ifeelasthoughyou\'dbeenawaysixyear\'s。"

Wewentarminarmintoourlittlesitting-room，andItookoffthefur\'sforherandsatdownuponthechintz-coveredsofabythefire。

Shehadorderedtea，andcameandsatbyme。Idon\'tknowwhatI

hadexpected，butofallthingsIhadcertainlynotexpectedthissuddenabolitionofourdistances。

"IwanttoknowallaboutAmerica，"sherepeated，withhereyesscrutinisingme。"Whydidyoucomeback？"

Irepeatedthesubstanceofmylettersratherlamely，andshesatlistening。

"Butwhydidyouturnback——withoutgoingtoDenver？"

"Iwantedtocomeback。Iwasrestless。"

"Restlessness，"shesaid，andthought。"YouwererestlessinVenice。YousaiditwasrestlessnesstookyoutoAmerica。"

Againshestudiedme。Sheturnedalittleawkwardlytoherteathings，andpouredneedlesswaterfromthesilverkettleintotheteapot。Thenshesatstillforsomemomentslookingattheequipagewithexpressionlesseyes。Isawherhandupontheedgeofthetabletrembleslightly。Iwatchedherclosely。Avagueuneasinesspossessedme。Whatmightshenotknoworguess？

Shespokeatlastwithaneffort。"IwishyouwereinParliamentagain，"shesaid。"Lifedoesn\'tgiveyoueventsenough。"

"IfIwasinParliamentagain，IshouldbeontheConservativeside。"

"Iknow，"shesaid，andwasstillmorethoughtful。

"Lately，"shebegan，andpaused。"LatelyI\'vebeenreading——you。"

Ididn\'thelpheroutwithwhatshehadtosay。Iwaited。

"Ididn\'tunderstandwhatyouwereafter。Ihadmisjudged。I

didn\'tknow。IthinkperhapsIwasratherstupid。"Hereyesweresuddenlyshiningwithtears。"Youdidn\'tgivememuchchancetounderstand。"

Sheturneduponmesuddenlywithavoicefulloftears。

"Husband，"shesaidabruptly，holdinghertwohandsouttome，"I

wanttobeginoveragain！"

Itookherhands，perplexedbeyondmeasure。"Mydear！"Isaid。

"Iwanttobeginoveragain。"

Ibowedmyheadtohidemyface，andfoundherhandinmineandkissedit。

"Ah！"shesaid，andslowlywithdrewherhand。Sheleantforwardwithherarmonthesofa-back，andlookedveryintentlyintomyface。IfeltthemostdamnablescoundrelintheworldasIreturnedhergaze。ThethoughtofIsabel\'sdarklyshiningeyesseemedlikeaphysicalpresencebetweenus……

"Tellme，"Isaidpresently，tobreaktheintolerabletension，"tellmeplainlywhatyoumeanbythis。"

Isatalittleawayfromher，andthentookmyteacupinhand，withanoddeffectofdefendingmyself。"Haveyoubeenreadingthatoldbookofmine？"Iasked。

"Thatandthepaper。ItookacompletesetfromthebeginningdowntoDurhamwithme。Ihavereaditover，thoughtitover。Ididn\'tunderstand——whatyouwereteaching。"

Therewasalittlepause。

"Itallseemssoplaintomenow，"shesaid，"andsotrue。"

Iwasprofoundlydisconcerted。Iputdownmyteacup，stoodupinthemiddleofthehearthrug，andbegantalking。"I\'mtremendouslyglad，Margaret，thatyou\'vecometoseeI\'mnotaltogetherperverse，"Ibegan。Ilaunchedoutintoarathertriteandwindyexpositionofmyviews，andshesatclosetomeonthesofa，lookingupintomyface，hangingonmywords，adeliberateandinvincibleconvert。

"Yes，"shesaid，"yes。"……

Ihadneverdoubtedmynewconceptionsbefore；nowIdoubtedthemprofoundly。ButIwentontalking。It\'sthegrimironyinthelivesofallpoliticians，writers，publicteachers，thatoncetheaudienceisattheirfeet，anewloyaltyhasgrippedthem。Itisn\'ttheirbusinesstoadmitdoubtandimperfections。Theyhavetogoontalking。AndIwasnowsoaccustomedtoIsabel\'svividinterruptions，qualifications，restatements，andconfirmations……

MargaretandIdinedtogetherathome。Shemademeopenoutmypoliticalprojectstoher。"Ihavebeenfoolish，"shesaid。"I

wanttohelp。"

AndbysomeexcuseIhaveforgottenshemademecometoherroom。I

thinkitwassomebookIhadtotakeher，someAmericanbookIhadbroughtbackwithme，andmentionedinourtalk。Iwalkedinwithit，andputitdownonthetableandturnedtogo。

"Husband！"shecried，andheldoutherslenderarmstome。Iwascompelledtogotoherandkissher，andshetwinedthemsoftlyaboutmyneckanddrewmetoherandkissedme。Idisentangledthemverygently，andtookeachwristandkissedit，andthebacksofherhands。

"Good-night，"Isaid。Therecamealittlepause。"Good-night，Margaret，"Irepeated，andwalkedverydeliberatelyandwithakindofshampreoccupationtothedoor。

Ididnotlookather，butIcouldfeelherstanding，watchingme。

IfIhadlookedup，shewould，Iknew，haveheldoutherarmstome……

Attheveryoutsetthatsecret，whichwastotouchnoonebutIsabelandmyself，hadreachedouttostabanotherhumanbeing。

7

ThewholeworldhadchangedforIsabelandme；andwetriedtopretendthatnothinghadchangedexceptasmallmatterbetweenus。

Webelievedquitehonestlyatthattimethatitwaspossibletokeepthisthingthathadhappenedfromanyreactionatall，saveperhapsthroughsomemagicallyenhancedvigourinourwork，upontheworldaboutus！Seeninretrospect，onecanrealisetheabsurdityofthisbelief；withinaweekIrealisedit；butthatdoesnotalterthefactthatwedidbelieveasmuch，andthatpeoplewhoaredeeplyinloveandunabletomarrywillcontinuetobelievesototheveryendoftime。Theywillcontinuetobelieveoutofexistenceeveryconsiderationthatseparatesthemuntiltheyhavecometogether。

Thentheywillcountthecost，aswetwohadtodo。

Iamtellingastory，andnotpropoundingtheoriesinthisbook；andchieflyIamtellingoftheideasandinfluencesandemotionsthathavehappenedtome——measasortofsoundingboardformyworld。

Themoralistisatlibertytogoovermyconductwithhismeasureandsay，"Atthispointoratthatyouwentwrong，andyououghttohavedone"——so-and-so。Thepointofinteresttothestatesmanisthatitdidn\'tforamomentoccurtoustodoso-and-sowhenthetimefordoingitcame。Itamazesmenowtothinkhowlittleeitherofustroubledabouttheestablishedrightsorwrongsofthesituation。Wehadn\'tanatomofrespectforthem，innateoracquired。Theguardiansofpublicmoralswillsaywewereverybadpeople；Isubmitindefencethattheyareverybadguardians——

provocativeguardians……Andwhenatlasttherecameaclaimagainstusthathadaneffectivevalidityforus，wewereinthefulltideofpassionateintimacy。

IhadanightofnearlysleeplessperplexityafterMargaret\'sreturn。Shehadsuddenlypresentedherselftomelikesomethingdramaticallyrecalled，fine，generous，infinitelycapableoffeeling。IwasamazedhowmuchIhadforgottenher。InmycontemptforvulgarisedandconventionalisedhonourIhadforgottenthatformetherewassucharealityashonour。Andhereitwas，warmandneartome，living，breathing，unsuspecting。Margaret\'spridewasmyhonour，thatIhadhadnorighteventoimperil。

IdonotnowrememberifIthoughtatthattimeofgoingtoIsabelandputtingthisnewaspectofthecasebeforeher。PerhapsIdid。

PerhapsImayhaveconsideredeventhenthepossibilityofendingwhathadsofreshlyandpassionatelybegun。IfIdid，itvanishednextdayatthesightofher。Whateverregretscameinthedarkness，thedaylightbroughtanobstinateconfidenceinourresolutionagain。Wewould，wedeclared，"pullthethingoff。"

Margaretmustnotknow。Margaretshouldnotknow。IfMargaretdidnotknow，thennoharmwhateverwouldbedone。Wetriedtosustainthat……

Forabrieftimewehadbeenliketwopeopleinamagiccell，magicallycutofffromtheworldandfullofalightofitsown，andthenwebegantorealisethatwewerenotintheleastcutoff，thattheworldwasallaboutusandpressinginuponus，limitingus，threateningus，resumingpossessionofus。ItriedtoignoretheinjurytoMargaretofherunreciprocatedadvances。Itriedtomaintaintomyselfthatthishiddenlovemadenodifferencetothenowirreparablebreachbetweenhusbandandwife。ButIneverspokeofittoIsabelorletherseethataspectofourcase。HowcouldI？Thetimeforthathadgone……

Theninnewshapesandrelationscametrouble。Distressfulelementscreptinbyreasonofourunavoidablefurtiveness；weignoredthem，hidthemfromeachother，andattemptedtohidethemfromourselves。

Successfulloveisathingofaboundingpride，andwehadtobesecret。Itwasdelightfulatfirsttobesecret，awhispering，warmconspiracy；thenpresentlyitbecameirksomeandalittleshameful。

Heressentialfranknessofsoulwasallagainstthemasksandfalsehoodsthatmanywomenwouldhaveenjoyed。Togetherinoursecrecywerelaxed，theninthepresenceofotherpeopleagainitwastiresometohavetowatchforthecareless，tooeasyphrase，tosnatchbackone\'shandfromthelimitlessbetrayalofalight，familiartouch。

Lovebecomesapoorthing，atbestapoorbeautifulthing，ifitdevelopsnocontinuingandhabitualintimacy。Wewerealwaysmeeting，andmostgloriouslylovingandbeginning——andthenwehadtosnatchatremorselesstickingwatches，hurrytocatchtrains，andgobacktothisorthat。Thatisallverywellfortheintriguesofidlepeopleperhaps，butnotforanintensepersonalrelationship。

Itislikelightingacandleforthesakeoflightingit，overandoveragain，andeachtimeblowingitout。That，nodoubt，mustbeveryamusingtochildrenplayingwiththematches，butnottopeoplewholovewarmlight，andwantitinordertodofineandhonourablethingstogether。Wehadachieved——Igivetheuglyphrasethatexpressestheincreasingdiscolourationinmymind——"illicitintercourse。"Toendatthat，wenowperceived，wasn\'tinourstyle。Butwherewerewetoend？……

Perhapswemightatthisstagehavegivenitup。Ithinkifwecouldhaveseenaheadandarounduswemighthavedoneso。Buttheglowofourcellblindedus……Iwonderwhatmighthavehappenedifatthattimewehadgivenitup……Wepropoundedit，wemetagaininsecrettodiscussit，andouroverpoweringpassionforoneanotherreducedthatmeetingtoabsurdity……

Presentlytheideaofchildrencreptbetweenus。Itcameinfromallourconceptionsoflifeandpublicservice；itwas，wefound，inthequalityofourmindsthatphysicallovewithoutchildrenisalittleweak，timorous，morethanalittleshameful。Withimaginativepeoplethereveryspeedilycomesatimewhenthatrealisationisinevitable。Wehadn\'tthoughtofthatbefore——itisn\'tnaturaltothinkofthatbefore。Wehadn\'tknown。ThereisnoliteratureinEnglishdealingwithsuchthings。

Thereisanecessarysequenceofphasesinlove。Thesecameintheirorder，andwiththem，unanticipatedtarnishingsonthefirstbrightperfectionofourrelations。Foratimethesedevelopingphaseswerenomorethanasecretandprivatetroublebetweenus，littleshadowsspreadingbyimperceptibledegreesacrossthatvividandluminouscell。

8

TheHanditchelectionflungmesuddenlyintoprominence。

Itisstillonlytwoyearssincethatstruggle，andIwillnottroublethereaderwithadetailedhistoryofeventsthatmustbequitesufficientlypresentinhismindformypurposealready。HugestacksofjournalismhavedealtwithHanditchanditssignificance。

Forthereaderveryprobably，asformostpeopleoutsideacomparativelysmallcircle，itmeantmyemergencefromobscurity。

Weobtrudednoeditor\'snameintheBLUEWEEKLY；IhadneverasyetbeenontheLondonhoardings。BeforeHanditchIwasajournalistandwriterofnogreatpublicstanding；afterHanditch，Iwasdefinitelyaperson，inthelittlegroupofpersonswhostoodfortheYoungImperialistmovement。Handitchwas，toaverylargeextent，myaffair。Irealisedthen，asamancomestodo，howmuchonecanstillgrowaftersevenandtwenty。InthesecondelectionI

wasamantakingholdofthings；atKinghamsteadIhadbeensimplyayoungcandidate，apartyunit，ledabouttheconstituency，toldtodothisandthat，andfinallywashedinbythegreatAnti-

Imperialistflood，likeastarfishrollingupabeach。

Myfeministviewshadearntthemistrustoftheparty，andIdonotthinkIshouldhavegotthechanceofHanditchorindeedanychanceatallofParliamentforalongtime，ifithadnotbeenthattheseatwithitslongrecordofLiberalvictoriesanditsLiberalmajorityof3642atthelastelection，offeredahopelesscontest。

TheLiberaldissensionsandthebelatedbutbynomeanscontemptibleSocialistcandidatewereprovidentialinterpositions。Ithink，however，theconductofGane，Crupp，andTarvrilleincomingdowntofightforme，didcounttremendouslyinmyfavour。"Wearen\'tgoingtowin，perhaps，"saidCrupp，"butwearegoingtotalk。"Anduntiltheveryeveofvictory，wetreatedHanditchnotsomuchasabattlefieldasahoarding。AndsoitwastheEndowmentofMotherhoodasapracticalformofEugenicsgotintoEnglishpolitics。

Plutus，ouragent，wasscaredoutofhiswitswhenthethingbegan。

"They\'reascribingallsortsofqueerideastoyouabouttheFamily，"hesaid。

"IthinktheFamilyexistsforthegoodofthechildren，"Isaid；

"isthatqueer？"

"Notwhenyouexplainit——buttheywon\'tletyouexplainit。Andaboutmarriage——？"

"I\'mallrightaboutmarriage——trustme。"

"Ofcourse，ifYOUhadchildren，"saidPlutus，ratherinconsiderately……

TheyopenedfireuponmeinalittleelectioneeringragcalltheHANDITCHSENTINEL，withastringofgarbledquotationsandmisrepresentationsthatgavemeanadmirabletextforaspeech。I

spokeforanhourandtenminuteswithamoreandmorecrumpledcopyoftheSENTINELinmyhand，andImadethefullestandcompletestexpositionoftheideaofendowingmotherhoodthatIthinkhadeverbeenmadeuptothattimeinEngland。Itseffectonthepresswasextraordinary。TheLiberalpapersgavemequiteunprecedentedspaceundertheimpressionthatIhadonlytobegivenropetohangmyself；theConservativescutmedownortriedtojustifyme；thewholecountrywastalking。Ihadhadapamphletintypeuponthesubject，andIrevisedthiscarefullyandputitonthebook-stallswithinthreedays。Itsoldenormouslyandbroughtmebushelsofletters。WeissuedoverthreethousandinHanditchalone。AtmeetingaftermeetingIwasheckleduponnothingelse。LongbeforepollingdayPlutuswasconverted。

"It\'scatchingonlikeoldagepensions，"hesaid。"We\'vedishedtheLiberals！Tothinkthatsuchaprojectshouldcomefromourside！"

Butitwasonlywiththedeclarationofthepollthatmybattlewaswon。Nooneexpectedmorethanasnatchvictory，andIwasinbyoverfifteenhundred。AtoneboundCossington\'spaperspassedfromapologeticsvariedbyrepudiationtotriumphantpraise。"A

renascentEngland，breedingmen，"saidtheleaderinhischiefdailyonthemorningafterthepolling，andclaimedthattheConservativeshadbeeneverthepioneersinsanelyboldconstructiveprojects。

IcameuptoLondonwithawearybutrejoicingMargaretbythenighttrain。

CHAPTERTHESECOND

THEIMPOSSIBLEPOSITION

1

ToanyonewhodidnotknowofthatglowingsecretbetweenIsabelandmyself，Imightwellhaveappearedatthattimethemostsuccessfulandenviableofmen。Ihadrecoveredrapidlyfromanuncongenialstartinpoliticallife；IhadbecomeaconsiderableforcethroughtheBLUEWEEKLY，andwasshapinganincreasinglyinfluentialbodyofopinion；Ihadre-enteredParliamentwithquitedramaticdistinction，andinspiteofacertainfalteringonthepartoftheorthodoxConservativestowardsthebolderelementsinourpropaganda，Ihadloyalandunenviousassociateswhoweremakingmeapowerintheparty。Peoplewerecomingtoourgroup，understandingsweredeveloping。Itwasclearweshouldplayaprominentpartinthenextgeneralelection，andthat，givenaConservativevictory，Ishouldbeassuredofoffice。Theworldopenedouttomebrightlyandinvitingly。Greatschemestookshapeinmymind，alwaysmoreconcrete，alwaysmorepracticable；theyearsaheadseemedfallingintoorder，shiningwiththecrediblepromiseofimmenseachievement。

Andattheheartofitall，unseenandunsuspected，wasthesecretofmyrelationswithIsabel——likeaseedthatgerminatesandthrusts，thrustsrelentlessly。

FromtheonsetoftheHanditchcontestonward，mymeetingswithherhadbeenmoreandmorepervadedbythediscussionofoursituation。

Ithadinnumerableaspects。Itwasverypresenttousthatwewantedtobetogetherasmuchaspossible——wewerebeginningtolongverymuchforactuallivingtogetherinthesamehouse，sothatonecouldcomeasitwerecarelessly——unawares——upontheother，busyperhapsaboutsometrivialthing。Wewantedtofeeleachotherinthedailyatmosphere。Precedingourimperativelysterilepassion，youmustremember，outsideit，altogethergreaterthanitsofarasourindividualliveswereconcerned，therehadgrownandstillgrewanenormousaffectionandintellectualsympathybetweenus。Webroughtallourimpressionsandallourideastoeachother，toseethemineachother\'slight。Itishardtoconveythatqualityofintellectualunisontoanyonewhohasnotexperiencedit。I

thoughtmoreandmoreintermsofconversationwithIsabel；herpossiblecommentsuponthingswouldflashintomymind，oh！——withtheverysoundofhervoice。

Iremember，too，theoddeffectofseeingherinthedistancegoingaboutHanditch，likeanystrangercanvasser；thequeeremotionofherapproachalongthestreet，thegreetingasshepassed。Themorningofthepollingshevanishedfromtheconstituency。IsawherforaninstantinthepassagebehindourCommitteerooms。

"Going？"saidI。

Shenodded。

"Stayitout。Iwantyoutoseethefun。Iremember——theothertime。"

Shedidn\'tanswerforamomentorso，andstoodwithfaceaverted。

"It\'sMargaret\'sshow，"shesaidabruptly。"IfIseehersmilingtherelikeaqueenbyyourside——！Shedid——lasttime。I

remember。"Shecaughtatasobanddashedherhandacrossherfaceimpatiently。"Jealousfool，meanandpetty，jealousfool！……

Goodluck，oldman，toyou！You\'regoingtowin。ButIdon\'twanttoseetheendofitallthesame……"

"Good-bye！"saidI，claspingherhandassomesupporterappearedinthepassage……

IcamebacktoLondonvictorious，andalittleflushedandcoarsewithvictory；andsosoonasIcouldbreakawayIwenttoIsabel\'sflatandfoundherwhiteandworn，withthestainofsecretweepingabouthereyes。Icameintotheroomtoherandshutthedoor。

"YousaidI\'dwin，"Isaid，andheldoutmyarms。

Shehuggedmecloselyforamoment。

"Mydear，"Iwhispered，"it\'snothing——withoutyou——nothing！"

Wedidn\'tspeakforsomeseconds。Thensheslippedfrommyhold。

"Look！"shesaid，smilinglikewintersunshine。"I\'vehadinallthemorningpapers——thepileofthem，andyou——resounding。"

"It\'smorethanIdaredhope。"

"OrI。"

Shestoodforamomentstillsmilingbravely，andthenshewassobbinginmyarms。"Thebiggeryouare——themoreyoushow，"shesaid——"themoreweareparted。Iknow，Iknow——"

Iheldherclosetome，makingnoanswer。

Presentlyshebecamestill。"Oh，well，"shesaid，andwipedhereyesandsatdownonthelittlesofabythefire；andIsatdownbesideher。

"Ididn\'tknowalltherewasinlove，"shesaid，staringatthecoals，"whenwewentlove-making。"

Iputmyarmbehindherandtookahandfulofherdearsofthairinmyhandandkissedit。

"You\'vedoneagreatthingthistime，"shesaid。"Handitchwillmakeyou。"

"Itopensbigchances，"Isaid。"Butwhyareyouweeping，dearone？"

"Envy，"shesaid，"andlove。"

"You\'renotlonely？"

"I\'veplentytodo——andlotsofpeople。"

"Well？"

"Iwantyou。"

"You\'vegotme。"

Sheputherarmaboutmeandkissedme。"Iwantyou，"shesaid，"justasifIhadnothingofyou。Youdon\'tunderstand——howawomanwantsaman。IthoughtonceifIjustgavemyselftoyouitwouldbeenough。Itwasnothing——itwasjustastepacrossthethreshold。

Mydear，everymomentyouareawayIacheforyou——ache！Iwanttobeaboutwhenitisn\'tlove-makingortalk。Iwanttobedoingthingsforyou，andwatchingyouwhenyou\'renotthinkingofme。

Allthosesafe，careless，intimatethings。Andsomethingelse——"

Shestopped。"Dear，Idon\'twanttobotheryou。IjustwantyoutoknowIloveyou……"

Shecaughtmyheadinherhandsandkissedit，thenstoodupabruptly。

Ilookedupather，alittleperplexed。

"Dearheart，"saidI，"isn\'tthisenough？You\'remycouncillor，mycolleague，myrighthand，thesecretsoulofmylife——"

"AndIwanttodarnyoursocks，"shesaid，smilingbackatme。

"You\'reinsatiable。"

Shesmiled"No，"shesaid。"I\'mnotinsatiable，Master。ButI\'mawomaninlove。AndI\'mfindingoutwhatIwant，andwhatisnecessarytome——andwhatIcan\'thave。That\'sall。"

"Wegetalot。"

"Wewantalot。YouandIaregreedypeopleforthethingswelike，Master。It\'sveryevidentwe\'vegotnearlyallwecaneverhaveofoneanother——andI\'mnotsatisfied。"

"Whatmoreisthere？

"Foryou——verylittle。Iwonder。Forme——everything。Yes——

everything。Youdidn\'tmeanit，Master；youdidn\'tknowanymorethanIdidwhenIbegan，butlovebetweenamanandawomanissometimesveryone-sided。Fearfullyone-sided！That\'sall……"

"Don\'tYOUeverwantchildren？"shesaidabruptly。

"IsupposeIdo。"

"Youdon\'t！"

"Ihaven\'tthoughtofthem。"

"Amandoesn\'t，perhaps。ButIhave……Iwantthem——likehunger。YOURchildren，andhomewithyou。Really，continuallyyou！

That\'sthetrouble……Ican\'thave\'em，Master，andIcan\'thaveyou。"

Shewascrying，andthroughhertearsshelaughed。

"I\'mgoingtomakeascene，"shesaid，"andgetthisover。I\'msodiscontentedandmiserable；I\'vegottotellyou。ItwouldcomebetweenusifIdidn\'t。I\'minlovewithyou，witheverything——withallmybrains。I\'llpullthroughallright。I\'llbegood，Master，neveryoufear。Butto-dayI\'mcryingoutwithallmybeing。Thiselection——You\'regoingup；you\'regoingon。Inthesepapers——you\'reagreatbigfact。It\'ssuddenlycomehometome。AtthebackofmymindI\'vealwayshadtheideaIwasgoingtohaveyousomehowpresentlyformyself——Imeantohaveyoutogolongtrampswith，tokeephousefor，togetmealsfor，towatchforofanevening。It\'sasortofhabitualbackgroundtomythoughtofyou。Andit\'snonsense——utternonsense！"Shestopped。Shewascryingandchoking。"Andthechild，youknow——thechild！"

Iwastroubledbeyondmeasure，butHanditchanditsintimationswereclearandstrong。

"Wecan\'thavethat，"Isaid。

"No，"shesaid，"wecan\'thavethat。"

"We\'vegotourownthingstodo。"

"YOURthings，"shesaid。

"Aren\'ttheyyourstoo？"

"Becauseofyou，"shesaid。

"Aren\'ttheyyourveryownthings？"

"Womendon\'thavethatsortofveryownthing。Indeed，it\'strue！

Andthink！You\'vebeendowntherepreachingthegoodnessofchildren，tellingthemtheonlygoodthinginastateishappy，hopefulchildren，workingtofreemothersandchildren——"

"Andwegiveourownchildrentodoit？"Isaid。

"Yes，"shesaid。"AndsometimesIthinkit\'stoomuchtogive——toomuchaltogether……Childrengetintoawoman\'sbrain——whenshemustn\'thavethem，especiallywhenshemustneverhopeforthem。

Thinkofthechildwemighthavenow！——thelittlecreaturewithsoft，tenderskin，andlittlehandsandlittlefeet！Attimesithauntsme。Itcomesandsays，Whywasn\'tIgivenlife？Icanhearitinthenight……Theworldisfullofsuchlittleghosts，dearlover——littlethingsthataskedforlifeandwererefused。

Theyclamourtome。It\'slikealittlefistbeatingatmyheart。

Lovechildren，beautifulchildren。Littlecoldhandsthattearatmyheart！Oh，myheartandmylord！"Shewasholdingmyarmwithbothherhandsandweepingagainstit，andnowshedrewherselftomyshoulderandweptandsobbedinmyembrace。"Ishallneversitwithyourchildonmykneeandyoubesideme-never，andIamawomanandyourlover！……"