第12章

2

Buttheprofoundimpossibilityofourrelationwasnowbecomingmoreandmoreapparenttous。Wefoundourselvesseekingjustification，clingingpassionatelytoasituationthatwascoldly，pitilessly，impossibleandfated。Wewantedquiteintenselytolivetogetherandhaveachild，butalsowewantedverymanyotherthingsthatwereincompatiblewiththesedesires。Itwasextraordinarilydifficulttoweighourpoliticalandintellectualambitionsagainstthoseintimatewishes。Theweightskeptalteringaccordingasonefoundoneselfgraspingthisvaluedthingorthat。Itwasn\'tasifwecouldthroweverythingasideforourlove，andhavethataswewantedit。Lovesuchasweboreoneanotherisn\'taltogether，orevenchiefly，athinginitself——itisforthemostpartavaluesetuponthings。Ourlovewasinterwovenwithallourotherinterests；

togooutoftheworldandliveinisolationseemedtouslikekillingthebestpartsofeachother；welovedthesightofeachotherengagedfinelyandcharacteristically，wekneweachotherbestasactivities。Wehadnodelusionsaboutmaterialfacts；wedidn\'twanteachotheraliveordead，wewantedeachotherfullyalive。Wewantedtodobigthingstogether，andforustotakeeachotheropenlyanddesperatelywouldleaveusnothingintheworldtodo。

Wewantedchildrenindeedpassionately，butchildrenwitheveryhelpfulchanceintheworld，andchildrenborninscandalwouldbehandicappedateveryturn。Wewantedtoshareahome，andnotasolitude。

Andwhenwewereatthisstageofrealisation，begantheintimationsthatwewerefoundout，andthatscandalwasafootagainstus……

IheardofitfirstfromEsmeer，whodeliberatelymentionedit，withthatsteadygreyeyeofhiswatchingme，asaninstanceofthepreposterousfalsehoodspeoplewillcirculate。ItcametoIsabelalmostsimultaneouslythroughamarriedcollegefriend，whomadeitherbusinesstodemandeitherconfirmationordenial。Itfilledusbothwithconsternation。InthesurpriseofthemomentIsabeladmittedhersecret，andherfriendwentoff"reservingherfreedomofaction。"

Discoverybrokeoutineverydirection。Friendswithgravefacesandanatmosphereofinfinitetactinvadedusboth。Otherfriendsceasedtoinvadeeitherofus。Itwasmanifestwehadbecome——weknewnothow——aprivatescandal，asubjectforduologues，anamazement，aperplexity，avividinterest。InafewbriefweeksitseemedLondonpassedfromabsoluteunsuspiciousnesstoachatteringexaggerationofitsknowledgeofourrelations。

Itwasjustthemostinappropriatetimeforthatdisclosure。ThelongsmoulderingantagonismtomyendowmentofmotherhoodideashadflaredupintoanactivecampaignintheEXPURGATOR，anditwouldbealtogetherdisastroustousifIshouldbeconvictedofanypersonalirregularity。ItwasjustbecauseofthemanifestandchallengingrespectabilityofmypositionthatIhadbeenabletocarrythethingasfarasIhaddone。Nowsuddenlymyfortuneshadsprungaleak，andscandalwaspouringin……Itchanced，too，thatawaveofmoralintolerancewassweepingthroughLondon，oneofthosewavesinwhichthebitternessoftheconsciouslyjustfindsanallyinthepanicoftheundiscovered。AcertainFatherBlodgetthadbeenpreachingagainstsocialcorruptionwithextraordinaryforce，andhadrousedtheChurchofEnglandpeopletoakindofcompetitionindenunciation。TheoldmethodsoftheAnti-Socialistcampaignhadbeenrenewed，andhadofferedfartoowideascopeandtootemptinganopportunityforprivateanimosity，toberestrictedtotheprivateaffairsoftheSocialists。Ihadintimationsofanextensivecirculationof"privateandconfidential"letters……

Ithinktherecanbenothingelseinlifequiteliketheunnervingrealisationthatrumourandscandalareafootaboutone。Abruptlyone\'sconfidenceinthesolidityoftheuniversedisappears。Onewalkssilencedthroughaworldthatonefeelstobefullofinaudibleaccusations。Onecannotchallengetheassault，getitoutintotheopen，separatetruthandfalsehood。Itslinksfromyou，turnsasideitsface。Oldacquaintancessuddenlyevadedme，madeextraordinaryexcuses；menwhohadpresumedonthevergeofmyworldandpesteredmewithanintrusiveenterprise，nowtooktheboldstepofflatrepudiation。Ibecamedoubtfulaboutthereturnofanod，retractedallthosetentaclesofeasycivilitythatIhadhithertospreadtotheworld。IstillgrowwarmwithamazedindignationwhenIrecallthatEdwardCrampton，meetingmefullonthestepsoftheClimaxClub，cutmedead。"ByGod！"Icried，andcamenearcatchinghimbythethroatandwringingoutofhimwhatofallgooddeedsandbad，couldheartenhim，ayoungermanthanIandemptybeyondcomparison，todaretoplaythejudgetome。AndthenIhadanopenslightfromMrs。Millingham，whomIhadcountedonasonecountsuponthesunrise。Ihadnotexpectedthingsofthatsort；theyweredisconcertingbeyondmeasure；itwasasiftheworldweregivingwaybeneathmyfeet，asthoughsomethingfailedintheessentialconfidenceoflife，asthoughahandofweticehadtouchedmyheart。SimilarthingswerehappeningtoIsabel。Yetwewentonworking，visiting，meeting，tryingtoignorethisgatheringofimplacableforcesagainstus。

ForatimeIwasperplexedbeyondmeasuretoaccountforthiscampaign。ThenIgotaclue。ThecentreofdiffusionwastheBaileyhousehold。TheBaileyshadneverforgivenmemyabandonmentoftheyoungLiberalgrouptheyhaddonesomuchtoinspireandorganise；theirdinner-tablehadlongbeenasceneofhostiledepreciationoftheBLUEWEEKLYandallitsallies；weekafterweekAltioraproclaimedthatIwas"doingnothing，"andfoundothercausesforourbye-electiontriumphs；IcountedChambersStreetadangerousplaceforme。Yet，nevertheless，Iwasastonishedtofindthemusingaprivatescandalagainstme。Theydid。IthinkHanditchhadfilledupthemeasureoftheirbitterness，forIhadnotonlyabandonedthem，butIwassucceedingbeyondeventheirpowerofmisrepresentation。AlwaysIhadbeenawaspintheirspider\'sweb，difficulttoclaimasatool，uncritical，antagonistic。Iadmiredtheirworkanddevotionenormously，butI

hadneverconcealedmycontemptforacertainchildishvanitytheydisplayed，andforthefrequentpuerilityoftheirpoliticalintrigues。Isupposecontemptgallsmorethaninjuries，andanyhowtheyhadmenow。Theyhadme。Bailey，Ifound，waswarningfathersofgirlsagainstmeasa"recklesslibertine，"andAltiora，flushed，roguish，anddishevelled，wassittingonherfendercurbafterdinner，andpledginglittlepartiesoffiveorsixwomenatatimewithinfinitegustonottoletthemattergofurther。Ourcellwasopentotheworld，andableak，distressfuldaylightstreamingin。

IhadagleamofamoreintimatemotiveinAltiorafromthereportsthatcametome。IsabelhadbeendoingaseriesoffiveorsixarticlesinthePOLITICALREVIEWinsupportofourcampaign，thePOLITICALREVIEWwhichhadhithertobeenloyallyBaileyite。Quiteherbestwritinguptothepresent，atanyrate，isinthosepapers，andnodoubtAltiorahadhadnotonlytoreadherinthoseinvadedcolumns，butlistentoherpraisesinthemouthsofthetactlessinfluential。Altiora，likesomanypeoplewhorelyongestureandvocalinsistenceinconversation，writesapoorandslovenlyproseandhandlesanargumentbadly；IsabelhasherUniversitytrainingbehindherandwrotefromthefirstwiththestarkpowerofaclear-

headedman。"Nowweknow，"saidAltiora，withjustagleamofmaliceshowingthroughherbrightness，"nowweknowwhohelpswiththewriting！"

Sherevealedastonishingknowledge。

ForatimeIcouldn\'tforthelifeofmediscoverhersources。I

had，indeed，adesperateintentionofchallengingher，andthenI

bethoughtmeofayoungsternamedCurmain，whohadbeenmysupplementaltypistandsecretaryforatime，andwhomIhadsentontoherbeforethedaysofourbreach。"Ofcourse！"saidI，"Curmain！"Hewasatall，drooping，sidelongyouthwithsandyhair，alittleforwardhead，andalongthinneck。Hestolestamps，and，Isuspected，rifledmyprivateletterdrawer，andIfoundhimonedayonaturnofthestairslookingguiltyandruffledwithaprettyIrishhousemaidofMargaret\'smanifestlyinastateofhotindignation。Isawnothing，butIfelteverythingintheairbetweenthem。Ihatethispesteringofservants，butatthesametimeIdidn\'twantCurmainwipedoutofexistence，soIhadpackedhimoffwithoutunnecessarydiscussiontoAltiora。Hewasquickandcheapanyhow，andIthoughthergeneralausterityoughttoredeemhimifanythingcould；theChambersStreethousemaidwasn\'tforanyman\'skissingandshowedit，andthestampsandprivateletterswerelookedafterwithanefficiencyaltogethersurpassingmine。AndAltiora，I\'venodoubtleftnowwhatever，pumpedthisyoungundesirableaboutme，andscentingastory，hadhimtodinneraloneoneeveningtogettothebottomofthematter。Shegotquitetothebottomofit，——itmusthavebeenaqueerduologue。ShereadIsabel\'scareless，intimateletterstome，sotospeak，bythisproxy，andshewasn\'tashamedtousethisinformationintheserviceofthebitternessthathadsprungupinhersinceourpoliticalbreach。Itwasessentiallyapersonalbitterness；ithelpednopublicpurposeoftheirstogetridofme。Mydownfallinanypublicsensewassheerwaste，——thelossofaman。Sheknewshewasbehavingbadly，andso，whenitcametoremonstrance，shebehavedworse。She\'dgotnamesanddatesandplaces；theefficiencyofherinformationwasirresistible。Andshesettoworkatitmarvellously。Neverbefore，inallherpursuitofefficientideals，hadAltioraachievedsuchlevelsofefficiency。Iwroteaprotestthatwasperhapsill-advisedandangry，Iwenttoherandtriedtostopher。Shewouldn\'tlisten，shewouldn\'tthink，shedeniedandlied，shebehavedlikeanaughtychildofsixyearsoldwhichhasmadeupitsmindtobehurtful。Itwasn\'tonly，Ithink，thatshecouldn\'tbearourpoliticalandsocialinfluence；shealso——I

realisedatthatinterviewcouldn\'tbearourloving。Itseemedtoherthesickliestthing，——athingquiteunendurable。Whilesuchthingswere，thevirtuehadgoneoutofherworld。

I\'vethevividestmemoryofthatcallofmine。She\'djustcomeinandtakenoffherhat，andshewasgreyanddishevelledandtired，andinabusiness-likedressofblackandcrimsonthatdidn\'tsuitherandwasmuddyabouttheskirts；she\'dacoldinherheadandsniffedpenetratingly，sheavoidedmyeyeasshetalkedandinterruptedeverythingIhadtosay；shekeptstabbingfiercelyatthecushionsofhersofawithalonghat-pinandpretendingshewasoverwhelmedwithgriefattheDEBACLEshewasdeliberatelyorganising。

"Thenpart，"shecried，"part。Ifyoudon\'twantasmashingup，——

part！Youtwohavegottobeparted。You\'vegotnevertoseeeachotherever，nevertospeak。"Therewasazestinhervoice。"We\'renotcirculatingstories，"shedenied。"No！AndCurmainnevertoldusanything——CurmainisanEXCELLENTyoungman；oh！aquiteexcellentyoungman。Youmisjudgedhimaltogether。"……

IwasequallyunsuccessfulwithBailey。IcaughtthelittlewretchintheLeagueClub，andhewriggledandlied。Hewouldn\'tsaywherehehadgothisfacts，hewouldn\'tadmithehadtoldanyone。WhenI

gavehimthenamesoftwomenwhohadcometomeastonishedandincredulous，heattemptedabsurdlytomakemethinktheyhadtoldHIM。HedidhishorriblelittlebesttosuggestthathonestoldQuackett，whohadjustleftEnglandfortheCape，wastherealscandalmonger。Thatstruckmeasmean，evenforBailey。I\'vestilltheoddvividimpressionofhisflutingvoice，excusingtheinexcusable，hisbig，shiftyfaceevadingme，hisperspiration-

beadedforehead，theshruggingshoulders，andthewould-beexculpatorygestures——Houndsditchgestures——ofhisenormousuglyhands。

"Icanassureyou，mydearfellow，"hesaid；"Icanassureyouwe\'vedoneeverythingtoshieldyou——everything。"……

3

Isabelcameafterdinneroneeveningandtalkedintheoffice。Shemadeawhite-robed，duskyfigureagainstthedeepbluesofmybigwindow。IsatatmydeskandtoreaquillpentopiecesasI

talked。

"TheBaileysdon\'tintendtoletthisdrop，"Isaid。"TheymeanthateveryoneinLondonistoknowaboutit。"

"Iknow。"

"Well！"Isaid。

"Dearheart，"saidIsabel，facingit，"it\'snogoodwaitingforthingstoovertakeus；we\'reatthepartingoftheways。"

"Whatarewetodo？"

"Theywon\'tletusgoon。"

"Damnthem！"

"TheyareORGANISINGscandal。"

"It\'snogoodwaitingforthingstoovertakeus，"Iechoed；"theyhaveovertakenus。"Iturnedonher。"Whatdoyouwanttodo？"

"Everything，"shesaid。"Keepyouandhaveourwork。Aren\'tweMates？"

"Wecan\'t。"

"Andwecan\'t！"

"I\'vegottotellMargaret，"Isaid。

"Margaret！"

"Ican\'tbeartheideaofanyoneelsegettinginfrontwithit。

I\'vebeenwincingaboutMargaretsecretly——"

"Iknow。You\'llhavetotellher——andmakeyourpeacewithher。"

Sheleantbackagainstthebookcasesunderthewindow。

"We\'vehadsomegoodtimes，Master；"shesaid，withasighinhervoice。

Andthenforalongtimewestaredatoneanotherinsilence。

"Wehaven\'tmuchtimeleft，"shesaid。

"Shallwebolt？"Isaid。

"Andleaveallthis？"sheasked，withhereyesgoingroundtheroom。

"Andthat？"AndherheadindicatedWestminster。"No！"

Isaidnomoreofbolting。

"We\'vegottoscrewourselvesuptosurrender，"shesaid。

"Something。"

"Alot。"

"Master，"shesaid，"itisn\'tallsexandstuffbetweenus？"

"No！"

"Ican\'tgiveupthework。Ourwork\'smylife。"

Wecameuponanotherlongpause。

"Noonewillbelievewe\'veceasedtobelovers——ifwesimplydo，"

shesaid。

"Weshouldn\'t。"

"We\'vegottodosomethingmorepartingthanthat。"

Inodded，andagainwepaused。Shewascomingtosomething。

"IcouldmarryShoesmith，"shesaidabruptly。

"But——"Iobjected。

"Heknows。Itwasn\'tfair。Itoldhim。"

"Oh，thatexplains，"Isaid。"There\'sbeenakindofsulkiness——

But——youtoldhim？"

Shenodded。"He\'sratherbadlyhurt，"shesaid。"He\'sbeenagoodfriendtome。He\'scuriouslyloyal。Butsomething，somethinghesaidoneday——forcedmetolethimknow……That\'sbeenthebeastlinessofallthissecrecy。That\'sthebeastlinessofallsecrecy。Youhavetospringsurprisesonpeople。Buthekeepson。

He\'ssteadfast。He\'dalreadysuspected。Hewantsmeverybadlytomarryhim……"

"Butyoudon\'twanttomarryhim？"

"I\'mforcedtothinkofit。"

"Butdoeshewanttomarryyouatthat？Takeyouasapresentfromtheworldatlarge？——againstyourwillanddesire？……Idon\'tunderstandhim。"

"Hecaresforme。"

"How？"

"Hethinksthisisafearfulmessforme。Hewantstopullitstraight。"

Wesatforatimeinsilence，withimaginationsthatobstinatelyrefusedtotakeuptherealitiesofthisproposition。

"Idon\'twantyoutomarryShoesmith，"Isaidatlast。

"Don\'tyoulikehim？"

"Notasyourhusband。"

"He\'saverycleverandsturdyperson——andverygenerousanddevotedtome。"

"Andme？"

"Youcan\'texpectthat。Hethinksyouarewonderful——and，naturally，thatyououghtnottohavestartedthis。"

"I\'veacuriousdisliketoanyonethinkingthatbutmyself。I\'mquitereadytothinkitmyself。"

"He\'dletusbefriends——andmeet。"

"Letusbefriends！"Icried，afteralongpause。"Youandme！"

"Hewantsmetobeengagedsoon。Then，hesays，hecangoroundfightingtheserumours，defendingusboth——andforceaquarrelontheBaileys。"

"Idon\'tunderstandhim，"Isaid，andadded，"Idon\'tunderstandyou。"

Iwasstaringatherface。Itseemedwhiteandsetinthedimness。

"Doyoureallymeanthis，Isabel？"Iasked。

"Whatelseistheretodo，mydear？——whatelseistheretodoatall？I\'vebeenthinkingdayandnight。Youcan\'tgoawaywithme。

Youcan\'tsmashyourselfsuddenlyinthesightofallmen。I\'dratherdiethanthatshouldhappen。Lookwhatyouarebecominginthecountry！Lookatallyou\'vebuiltup！——mehelping。Iwouldn\'tletyoudoitifyoucould。Iwouldn\'tletyou——ifitwereonlyforMargaret\'ssake。THIS……closesthescandal，closeseverything。"

"Itclosesallourlifetogether，"Icried。

Shewassilent。

"Itneveroughttohavebegun，"Isaid。

Shewinced。Thenabruptlyshewasonherkneesbeforeme，withherhandsuponmyshoulderandhereyesmeetingmine。

"Mydear，"shesaidveryearnestly，"don\'tmisunderstandme！Don\'tthinkI\'mretreatingfromthethingswe\'vedone！OurloveisthebestthingIcouldeverhavehadfromlife。Nothingcaneverequalit；nothingcouldeverequalthebeautyanddelightyouandIhavehadtogether。Never！Youhavelovedme；youdoloveme……

NoonecouldeverknowhowtoloveyouasIhavelovedyou；noonecouldeverlovemeasyouhavelovedme，myking。Andit\'sjustbecauseit\'sbeensosplendid，dear；it\'sjustbecauseI\'ddieratherthanhaveatitheofallthiswipedoutofmylifeagain——forit\'smademe，it\'sallIam——dear，it\'syearssinceIbeganlovingyou——it\'sjustbecauseofitsgoodnessthatIwantnottoendinwreckagenow，nottoendinthesmashingupofallthebigthingsI

understandinyouandloveinyou……

"Whatisthereforusifwekeeponandgoaway？"shewenton。"Allthebiginterestsinourliveswillvanish——everything。Weshallbecomespecialisedpeople——peopleovershadowedbyasituation。Weshallbeanelopement，aromance——allourbreadthandmeaninggone！

Peoplewillalwaysthinkofitfirstwhentheythinkofus；allourworkandaimswillbewarpedbyitandsubordinatedtoit。Isitgoodenough，dear？Justtospecialise……Ithinkofyou。

We\'vegotacase，apassionatecase，thebestofcases，butdowewanttospendallourlivesdefendingitandjustifyingit？Andthere\'sthatotherlife。IknownowyoucareforMargaret——youcaremorethanyouthinkyoudo。Youhavesaidfinethingsofher。I\'vewatchedyouabouther。Littlethingshavedroppedfromyou。She\'sgivenherlifeforyou；she\'snothingwithoutyou。Youfeelthattoyourmarrowallthetimeyouarethinkingaboutthesethings。Oh，I\'mnotjealous，dear。Iloveyouforlovingher。Iloveyouinrelationtoher。Butthereitis，anaddedweightagainstus，anotherthingworthsaving。"

Presently，Iremember，shesatbackonherheelsandlookedupintomyface。"We\'vedonewrong——andparting\'spaying。It\'stimetopay。Weneedn\'thavepaid，ifwe\'dkepttothetrack……YouandI，Master，we\'vegottobemen。"

"Yes，"Isaid；"we\'vegottobemen。"

4

IwasdriventotellMargaretaboutoursituationbymyintolerabledreadthatotherwisethethingmightcometoherthroughsomestupidandclumsyinformant。ShemightevenmeetAltiora，andhaveitfromher。

IcanstillrecallthefeelingofsittingatmydeskthatnightinthatlargestudyofmineinRadnorSquare，waitingforMargarettocomehome。Itwasoddlylikethefeelingofadentist\'sreception-

room；onlyitwasformetodothedentistrywithclumsy，cruelhands。Ihadleftthedooropensothatshewouldcomeintome。

Iheardhersilkenrustleonthestairsatlast，andthenshewasinthedoorway。"MayIcomein？"shesaid。

"Do，"Isaid，andturnedroundtoher。

"Working？"shesaid。

"Hard，"Ianswered。"WherehaveYOUbeen？"

"AttheVallerys\'。Mr。Eveshamwastalkingaboutyou。Theywerealltalking。Idon\'tthinkeverybodyknewwhoIwas。JustMrs。

MumbleI\'dbeentothem。LordWardenhamdoesn\'tlikeyou。"

"Hedoesn\'t。"

"Buttheyallfeelyou\'reratherbig，anyhow。ThenIwentontoParkLanetohearanewpianistandsomeothermusicatEva\'s。"

"Yes。"

"ThenIlookedinattheBrabants\'forsomemidnightteabeforeI

cameonhere。They\'dgotsomewriters——andGrantwasthere。"

"YouHAVEbeenflyinground……"

Therewasalittlepausebetweenus。

Ilookedatherpretty，unsuspectingface，andattheslendergraceofhergolden-robedbody。Whatgulfstherewerebetweenus！

"You\'vebeenamused，"Isaid。

"It\'sbeenamusing。You\'vebeenattheHouse？"

"TheMedicalEducationBillkeptme。"……

Afterall，whyshouldItellher？She\'dgottoawayoflivingthatfulfilledherrequirements。Perhapsshe\'dneverhear。ButallthatdayandthedaybeforeI\'dbeenmakingupmymindtodothething。

"Iwanttotellyousomething，"Isaid。"Iwishyou\'dsitdownforamomentorso。"……

OnceIhadbegun，itseemedtomeIhadtogothroughwithit。

Somethinginthequalityofmyvoicegaveheranintimationofunusualgravity。Shelookedatmesteadilyforamomentandsatdownslowlyinmyarmchair。

"Whatisit？"shesaid。

Iwentonawkwardly。"I\'vegottotellyou——somethingextraordinarilydistressing，"Isaid。

Shewasmanifestlyaltogetherunaware。

"Thereseemstobeagooddealofscandalabroad——I\'veonlyrecentlyheardofit——aboutmyself——andIsabel。"

"Isabel！"

Inodded。

"Whatdotheysay？"sheasked。

Itwasdifficult，Ifound，tospeak。

"Theysayshe\'smymistress。"

"Oh！Howabominable！"

Shespokewiththemostnaturalindignation。Oureyesmet。

"We\'vebeengreatfriends，"Isaid。

"Yes。AndtomakeTHATofit。Mypoordear！Buthowcanthey？"

Shepausedandlookedatme。It\'ssoincredible。Howcananyonebelieveit？Icouldn\'t。"

Shestopped，withherdistressedeyesregardingme。Herexpressionchangedtodread。Therewasatensestillnessforasecond，perhaps。

Iturnedmyfacetowardsthedesk，andtookupanddroppedahandfulofpaperfasteners。

"Margaret，"Isaid，"I\'mafraidyou\'llhavetobelieveit。"

5

Margaretsatverystill。WhenIlookedatheragain，herfacewasverywhite，andherdistressedeyesscrutinisedme。Herlipsquiveredasshespoke。"Youreallymean——THAT？"shesaid。

Inodded。

"Ineverdreamt。"

"Inevermeantyoutodream。"

"Andthatiswhy——we\'vebeenapart？"

Ithought。"Isupposeitis。"

"Whyhaveyoutoldmenow？"

"Thoserumours。Ididn\'twantanyoneelsetotellyou。"

"Orelseitwouldn\'thavemattered？"

"No。"

Sheturnedhereyesfrommetothefire。Thenforamomentshelookedabouttheroomshehadmadeforme，andthenquitesilently，withachildishquiveringofherlips，withasortofdismayeddistressuponherface，shewasweeping。Shesatweepinginherdressofclothofgold，withherbareslenderarmsdroppedlimpoverthearmsofherchair，andhereyesavertedfromme，makingnoefforttostayorstaunchhertears。"Iamsorry，Margaret，"I

said。"Iwasinlove……Ididnotunderstand……"

Presentlysheasked："Whatareyougoingtodo？"

"Yousee，Margaret，nowit\'scometobeyouraffair——Iwanttoknowwhatyou——whatyouwant。"

"Youwanttoleaveme？"

"Ifyouwantmeto，Imust。"

"LeaveParliament——leaveallthethingsyouaredoing，——allthisfinemovementofyours？"

"No。"Ispokesullenly。"Idon\'twanttoleaveanything。Iwanttostayon。I\'vetoldyou，becauseIthinkwe——IsabelandI，Imean——

havegottodrivethroughastormofscandalanyhow。Idon\'tknowhowfarthingsmaygo，howmuchpeoplemayfeel，andIcan\'t，I

can\'thaveyouunconscious，unarmed，opentoanyrevelation——"

Shemadenoanswer。

"Whenthethingbegan——IknewitwasstupidbutIthoughtitwasathingthatwouldn\'tchange，wouldn\'tbeanythingbutitself，wouldn\'tunfold——consequences……Peoplehavegotholdofthesevaguerumours……Directlyitreachedanyoneelsebut——butustwo——Isawithadtocometoyou。"

Istopped。IhadthatdistressfulfeelingIhavealwayshadwithMargaret，ofnotbeingaltogethersuresheheard，ofbeingdoubtfulifsheunderstood。IperceivedthatonceagainIhadstruckatherandshatteredathousandunsubstantialpinnacles。AndIcouldn\'tgetather，tohelpher，ortouchhermind！Istoodup，andatmymovementshemoved。Sheproducedadaintylittlehandkerchief，andmadeanefforttowipeherfacewithit，andheldittohereyes。

"Oh，myHusband！"shesobbed。

"Whatdoyoumeantodo？"shesaid，withhervoicemuffledbyherhandkerchief。

"We\'regoingtoendit，"Isaid。

SomethinggrippedmetormentinglyasIsaidthat。Idrewachairbesideherandsatdown。"YouandI，Margaret，havebeenpartners，"

Ibegan。"We\'vebuiltupthislifeofourstogether；Icouldn\'thavedoneitwithoutyou。We\'vemadeaposition，createdawork——"

Sheshookherhead。"You，"shesaid。

"Youhelping。Idon\'twanttoshatterit——ifyoudon\'twantitshattered。Ican\'tleavemywork。Ican\'tleaveyou。Iwantyoutohave——allthatyouhaveeverhad。I\'venevermeanttorobyou。

I\'vemadeanimmenseandtragicblunder。Youdon\'tknowhowthingstookus，howdifferenttheyseemed！Mycharacterandaccidenthaveconspired——We\'llpay——inourselves，notinourpublicservice。"

Ihaltedagain。Margaretremainedverystill。

"Iwantyoutounderstandthatthethingisatanend。Itisdefinitelyatanend。We——wetalked——yesterday。Wemeantoenditaltogether。"Iclenchedmyhands。"She\'s——she\'sgoingtomarryArnoldShoesmith。"

Iwasn\'tlookingnowatMargaretanymore，butIheardtherustleofhermovementassheturnedonme。

"It\'sallright，"Isaid，clingingtomyexplanation。"We\'redoingnothingshabby。Heknows。Hewill。It\'sallasright——asthingscanbenow。We\'renotcheatinganyone，Margaret。We\'redoingthingsstraight——now。Ofcourse，youknow……Weshall——weshallhavetomakesacrifices。Givethingsupprettycompletely。

Verycompletely……Weshallhavenottoseeeachotherforatime，youknow。Perhapsnotalongtime。Twoorthreeyears。Orwrite——orjustanyofthatsortofthingever——"

Somesubconsciousbarriergavewayinme。Ifoundmyselfcryinguncontrollably——asIhavenevercriedsinceIwasalittlechild。I

wasamazedandhorrifiedatmyself。Andwonderfully，Margaretwasonherkneesbesideme，withherarmsaboutme，minglingherweepingwithmine。"Oh，myHusband！"shecried，mypoorHusband！Doesithurtyouso？Iwoulddoanything！Oh，thefoolIam！Dear，Iloveyou。Iloveyouoverandawayandaboveallthesejealouslittlethings！"

Shedrewdownmyheadtoherasamothermightdrawdowntheheadofason。Shecaressedme，weepingbitterlywithme。"Oh！mydear，"

shesobbed，"mydear！I\'veneverseenyoucry！I\'veneverseenyoucry。Ever！Ididn\'tknowyoucould。Oh！mydear！Can\'tyouhaveher，mydear，ifyouwanther？Ican\'tbearit！Letmehelpyou，dear。Oh！myHusband！MyMan！Ican\'tbeartohaveyoucry！"Foratimesheheldmeinsilence。

"I\'vethoughtthismighthappen，Idreamtitmighthappen。Youtwo，Imean。Itwasdreamingputitintomyhead。WhenI\'veseenyoutogether，sogladwitheachother……Oh！Husbandmine，believeme！believeme！I\'mstupid，I\'mcold，I\'monlybeginningtorealisehowstupidandcold，butallIwantinalltheworldistogivemylifetoyou。"……

6

"Wecan\'tpartinaroom，"saidIsabel。

"We\'llhaveonelasttalktogether，"Isaid，andplannedthatweshouldmeetforahalfadaybetweenDoverandWalmerandtalkourselvesout。Istillrecallthatdayverywell，recalleventhecuriousexaltationofgriefthatmadeourmentalatmospheredistinctiveandmemorable。Wehadseensomuchofoneanother，hadbecomesointimate，thatwetalkedofpartingevenaswepartedwithasenseofincredibleremoteness。Wewenttogetherupoverthecliffs，andtoaplacewheretheyfalltowardsthesea，pastthewhite，quaint-lanternedlighthousesoftheSouthForeland。There，inakindofnichebelowthecrest，wesattalking。Itwasaspaciousday，serenelyblueandwarm，andonthewrinkledwaterremotelybelowablacktenderandsixhoodedsubmarinescamepresently，andengagedinmysteriousmanoeuvers。Shriekinggullsandchatteringjackdawscircledoverusandbelowus，anddivedandswooped；andaskerryofweedy，fallenchalkappeared，andgraduallydisappearedagain，asthetidefellandrose。

Wetalkedandthoughtthatafternoononeveryaspectofourrelations。Itseemstomenowwetalkedsowideandfarthatscarcelyanissueinthelifebetweenmanandwomancanarisethatwedidnotatleasttouchupon。LyingthereatIsabel\'sfeet，I

havebecomeformyselfasymbolofallthisworld-wideproblembetweendutyandconscious，passionatelovetheworldhasstilltosolve。Becauseitisn\'tsolved；there\'sawronginiteitherway……Thesky，thewidehorizon，seemedtoliftusoutofourselvesuntilweweresomethingrepresentativeandgeneral。Shewaswomanhoodbecomearticulate，talkingtoherlover。

"Iought，"Isaid，"nevertohavelovedyou。"

"Itwasn\'tathingplanned，"shesaid。

"Ioughtnevertohaveletourtalksliptothat，nevertohaveturnedbackfromAmerica。"

"I\'mgladwedidit，"shesaid。"Don\'tthinkIrepent。"

Ilookedather。

"Iwillneverrepent，"shesaid。"Never！"asthoughsheclungtoherlifeinsayingit。

Irememberwetalkedforalongtimeofdivorce。Itseemedtousthen，anditseemstousstill，thatitoughttohavebeenpossibleforMargarettodivorceme，andformetomarrywithoutthescandalousanduglypublicity，thetaintandostracismthatfollowsuchareadjustment。Wewentontothewholeperplexingriddleofmarriage。Wecriticisedthecurrentcode，howmuddledandconventionalisedithadbecome，howmodifiedbysubterfugesandconcealmentsandnewnecessities，andtheincreasingfreedomofwomen。"It\'salllikeBromsteadwhenthebuildingcame，"Isaid；

forIhadoftentalkedtoherofthatearlyimpressionofpurposedissolvingagainintochaoticforces。"Thereisnoclearrightintheworldanymore。TheworldisByzantine。Thejustestmanto-daymustpractiseataintedgoodness。"

Thesequestionsneeddiscussion——amagnificentfranknessofdiscussion——ifanystandardsareagaintoestablishaneffectiveholduponeducatedpeople。Discretions，asIhavesaidalready，willneverholdanyoneworthholding——longerthantheyheldus。

Againstevery"shaltnot"theremustbea"whynot"plainlyput，——

the"whynot"largestandplainest，thelawdeducedfromitspurpose。"YouandI，Isabel，"Isaid，"havealwaysbeenalittledisregardfulofduty，partlyatleastbecausetheideaofdutycomestoussoill-clad。Oh！Iknowthere\'sanextravagantinsubordinatestraininus，butthatwasn\'tall。Iwishhumbugswouldleavedutyalone。Iwishalldutywasn\'tcoveredwithslime。That\'swheretherealmischiefcomesin。Passioncanalwayscontrivetoclotheitselfinbeauty，stripsitselfsplendid。Thatcarriedus。Butforallitsmeanassociationsthereisthisduty……

"Don\'twecomeratherlatetoit？"

"Notsolatethatitwon\'tbeatrociouslyhardtodo。"

"It\'squeertothinkofnow，"saidIsabel。"Whocouldbelievewedidallwehavedonehonestly？Well，inamannerhonestly。Whocouldbelievewethoughtthismightbehidden？Whocouldtraceitallstepbystepfromthetimewhenwefoundthatacertainboldnessinourtalkwaspleasing？Wetalkedoflove……Master，there\'snotmuchforustodointhewayofApologiathatanyonewillcredit。Andyetifitwerepossibletotelltheveryheartofourstory……

"DoesMargaretreallywanttogoonwithyou？"sheasked——"shieldyou——knowingof……THIS？"

"I\'mcertain。Idon\'tunderstand——justasIdon\'tunderstandShoesmith，butshedoes。Thesepeoplewalkonsolidgroundwhichisjustthinairtous。They\'vegotsomethingwehaven\'tgot。

Assurances？Iwonder。"……

Thenitwas，orlater，wetalkedofShoesmith，andwhatherlifemightbewithhim。

"He\'sgood，"shesaid；"he\'skindly。He\'severythingbutmagic。

He\'stheveryimageofthedecent，sober，honourablelife。Youcan\'tsayathingagainsthimorI——exceptthatsomething——somethinginhisimagination，somethinginthetoneofhisvoice——failsforme。Whydon\'tIlovehim？——he\'sabettermanthanyou！Whydon\'tyou？ISheabettermanthanyou？He\'susage，he\'shonour，he\'stherightthing，he\'sthebreedandthetradition，——agentleman。

You\'reyourerring，incalculableself。Isupposewewomenwilltrustthissortandloveyoursorttotheveryendoftime……"

Welaysidebysideandnibbledatgrassstalksaswetalked。Itseemedenormouslyunreasonabletousthattwopeoplewhohadcometothepitchofeasyandconfidentaffectionandhappinessthatheldbetweenusshouldbeobligedtopartandshunoneanother，ormurderhalfthesubstanceoftheirlives。Wefeltourselvescrushedandbeatenbyanindiscriminatingmachinewhichdestroyshappinessintheserviceofjealousy。"Themassofpeopledon\'tfeelthesethingsinquitethesamemanneraswefeelthem，"shesaid。"Isitbecausethey\'redifferentingrain，oreducatedoutofsomeprimitiveinstinct？"

"It\'sbecausewe\'veexploredlovealittle，andtheyknownomorethanthegateway，"Isaid。"Lustandthenjealousy；theirsimpleconception——andwehavegonepastallthatandwanderedhandinhand……"

Irememberthatforatimewewatchedtwoofthatlargersortofgull，whosewingsarebrownish-white，circleandhoveragainsttheblue。Andthenwelayandlookedatabandofwatermirrorclearfarouttosea，andwonderedwhythebreezethatrippledalltherestshouldleaveitsoserene。

"AndinthisStateofours，"Iresumed。

"Eh！"saidIsabel，rollingoverintoasittingpostureandlookingoutatthehorizon。"Let\'stalknomoreofthingswecanneversee。

Talktomeoftheworkyouaredoingandallweshalldo——afterwehaveparted。We\'vesaidtoolittleofthat。We\'vehadourredlife，andit\'sover。ThankHeaven！——thoughwestoleit！Talkaboutyourwork，dear，andthethingswe\'llgoondoing——justasthoughwewerestilltogether。We\'llstillbetogetherinasense——throughallthesethingswehaveincommon。"

Andsowetalkedofpoliticsandouroutlook。Wewereinterestedtothepitchofself-forgetfulness。Weweighedpersonsandforces，discussedtheprobabilitiesofthenextgeneralelection，thesteadydriftofpublicopinioninthenorthandwestawayfromLiberalismtowardsus。ItwasverymanifestthatinspiteofWardenhamandtheEXPURGATOR，weshouldcomeintothenewGovernmentstrongly。Thepartyhadnooneelse，alltheyoungmenwereformallyorinformallywithus；Esmeerwouldhaveoffice，LordTarvrille，I……andveryprobablytherewouldbesomethingforShoesmith。"Andformyownpart，"Isaid，"IcountonbackingontheLiberalside。Forthelasttwoyearswe\'vebeenforcingcompetitioninconstructivelegislationbetweentheparties。TheLiberalshavenotbeenlonginfollowingupourEndowmentofMotherhoodlead。They\'llhavetogivevotesandlipserviceanyhow。HalfthereadersoftheBLUEWEEKLY，theysay，areLiberals……

"IremembertalkingaboutthingsofthissortwitholdWillersley，"

Isaid，"eversomanyyearsago。ItwassomeplacenearLocarno，andwelookeddownthelakethatshoneweltering——justasnowwelookoverthesea。AndthenwedreamtinanindistinctfeaturelesswayofallthatyouandIaredoingnow。"

"I！"saidIsabel，andlaughed。

"Well，ofsomesuchthing，"Isaid，andremainedforawhilesilent，thinkingofLocarno。

Irecalledoncemorethelargeness，thereleasefromsmallpersonalthingsthatIhadfeltinmyyouth；statecraftbecamerealandwonderfulagainwiththememory，thegigantichandlingofgiganticproblems。Ibegantotalkoutmythoughts，sittingupbesideher，asIcouldnevertalkofthemtoanyonebutIsabel；begantorecoveragainthepurposethatlayunderallmypoliticalambitionsandadjustmentsandanticipations。IsawtheState，splendidandwideasIhadseenitinthatfirsttravelofmine，butnowitwasnomeredistantprospectofspiresandpinnacles，butpopulouswithfine-trained，bold-thinking，bold-doingpeople。ItwasasifIhadforgottenforalongtimeandnowrememberedwithamazement。

Atfirst，Itoldher，IhadbeenaltogetheratalosshowIcoulddoanythingtobattleagainsttheaimlessmuddleofourworld；Ihadwantedaclue——untilshehadcomeintomylifequestioning，suggesting，unconsciouslyilluminating。"ButIhavedonenothing，"

sheprotested。Ideclaredshehaddoneeverythingingrowingtoeducationundermyeyes，inreflectingagainuponalltheprocessesthathadmademyself，sothatinsteadofabstractionsandblue-booksandbillsanddevices，Ihadrealisedtheworldofmankindasacrowdneedingbeforeallthingsfinewomenandmen。We\'dspoiltourselvesinlearningthat，butanyhowwehadourlesson。BeforeherIwasinanineteenth-centurydarkness，dealingwiththenationasifitwereacrowdofselfishmen，forgetfulofwomenandchildrenandthatshywildthingintheheartsofmen，love，whichmustbedrawnuponasithasneverbeendrawnuponbefore，iftheStateistolive。Isawnowhowitispossibletobringtheloosefactorsofagreatrealmtogether，tocreateamindofliteratureandthoughtinit，andtheexpressionofapurposetomakeitself-

consciousandfine。Ihaditallclearbeforeme，sothatatascoreofpointsIcouldpresentlybegin。TheBLUEWEEKLYwasacentreofforce。AlreadywehadgivenImperialismacriticism，andleavenedhalfthepressfromourcolumns。Ourmovementconsolidatedandspread。Weshouldpresentlycomeintopower。Everythingmovedtowardsourhands。Weshouldbeabletogetattheschools，theservices，theuniversities，thechurch；enormouslyincreasetheendowmentofresearch，andorganisewhatwassorelywanted，acriticismofresearch；contriveaclosercontactbetweenthepressandcreativeintellectuallife；fosterliterature，clarify，strengthenthepublicconsciousness，developsocialorganisationandasenseoftheState。Menwerecomingtouseveryday，brilliantyoungpeerslikeLordDentonhill，writerslikeCarnotandCresswell。

Itfilledmewithpridetowinsuchmen。"Westandforsomuchmorethanweseemtostandfor，"Isaid。Iopenedmyhearttoher，sofreelythatIhesitatetoopenmyhearteventothereader，tellingofprojectsandambitionsIcherished，ofmyconsciousnessofgreatpowersandwideningopportunities……

IsabelwatchedmeasItalked。

Shetoo，Ithink，hadforgottenthesethingsforawhile。ForitiscuriousandIthinkaverysignificantthingthatsincewehadbecomelovers，wehadtalkedverylittleofthebroaderthingsthathadoncesostronglygrippedourimaginations。

"It\'sgood，"Isaid，"totalklikethistoyou，togetbacktoyouthandgreatambitionswithyou。Therehavebeentimeslatelywhenpoliticshasseemedthepettiestgameplayedwithmeantoolsformeanends——andnonethelesssothatthehappinessofthreehundredmillionpeoplemightbetouchedbyourfollies。Italktonooneelselikethis……AndnowIthinkofparting，IthinkbutofhowmuchmoreImighthavetalkedtoyou。"……

Thingsdrewtoanendatlast，butafterwehadspokenofathousandthings。

"We\'vetalkedawayourlasthalfday，"Isaid，staringovermyshoulderattheblazingsunsetskybehindus。"Dear，it\'sbeenthelastdayofourlivesforus……Itdoesn\'tseemlikethelastdayofourlives。Oranyday。"

"Iwonderhowitwillfeel？"saidIsabel。

"Itwillbeverystrangeatfirst——nottobeabletotellyouthings。"

"I\'veasuperstitionthatafter——afterwe\'veparted——ifeverIgointomyroomandtalk，you\'llhear。You\'llbe——somewhere。"

"Ishallbeintheworld——yes。"

"Idon\'tfeelasthoughthesedaysaheadwerereal。Hereweare，hereweremain。"

"Yes，Ifeelthat。AsthoughyouandIweretwoimmortals，whodidn\'tliveintimeandspaceatall，whonevermet，whocouldn\'tpart，andherewelieonOlympus。Andthosetwopoorcreatureswhodidmeet，poorlittleRichardRemingtonandIsabelRivers，whometandlovedtoomuchandhadtopart，theypartandgotheirways，andweliehereandwatchthem，youandI。She\'llcry，poordear。"

"She\'llcry。She\'scryingnow！"

"Poorlittlebeasts！Ithinkhe\'llcrytoo。Hewinces。Hecould——

fortuppence。Ididn\'tknowhehadlachrymalglandsatalluntilalittlewhileago。Isupposeallloveishysterical——andalittlefoolish。Poormites！Sillylittlepitifulcreatures！Howwehaveblundered！ThinkhowwemustlooktoGod！Well，we\'llpitythem，andthenwe\'llinspirehimtostiffenupagain——anddoaswe\'vedeterminedheshalldo。We\'llseeitthrough，——wewholiehereonthecliff。They\'llbemeanattimes，andhorridattimes；weknowthem！Doyouseeher，apoorlittlefineladyinagreathouse，——

shesometimesgoestoherroomandwrites。"

"ShewritesforhisBLUEWEEKLYstill。"

"Yes。Sometimes——Ihope。Andhe\'sthereintheofficewithabitofhercopyinhishand。"

"Isitasgoodasifshestilltalkeditoverwithhimbeforeshewroteit？Isit？"

"Better，Ithink。Let\'splayit\'sbetter——anyhow。Itmaybethattalkingoverwasrathermixedwithlove-making。Afterall，love-

makingisjoyratherthanmagic。Don\'tlet\'spretendaboutthateven……Let\'sgoonwatchinghim。(Idon\'tseewhyherwritingshouldn\'tbebetter。IndeedIdon\'t。)See！TherehegoesdownalongtheEmbankmenttoWestminsterjustlikearealman，forallthathe\'ssmallerthanagrainofdust。Whatisrunningroundinsidethatspeckofaheadofhis？LookathimgoingpastthePolicemen，speckstoo——selectedlargeonesfromthecountry。I

thinkhe\'sgoingtodinnerwiththeSpeaker——someoldthinglikethat。Ishisfaceharderorcommonerorstronger？——Ican\'tquitesee……Andnowhe\'supandspeakingintheHouse。Hopehe\'llholdontothethread。He\'llhavetoplanhisspeechestotheveryendofhisdays——andlearntheheadings。"

"Isn\'tsheupinthewomen\'sgallerytohearhim？"

"No。Unlessit\'sbyaccident。"

"She\'sthere，"shesaid。

"Well，byaccidentithappens。Nottoomanyaccidents，Isabel。

Neveranymoreadventuresforus，dear，now。No！……Theyplaythegame，youknow。They\'vebegunlate，butnowthey\'vegotto。

Youseeit\'snotsoveryhardforthemsinceyouandI，mydear，areherealways，alwaysfaithfullyhereonthiswarmcliffofloveaccomplished，watchingandhelpingthemunderhighheaven。Itisn\'tsoVERYhard。Rathergoodinsomeways。SomepeopleHAVEtobebrokenalittle。CanyouseeAltioradownthere，byanychance？"

"She\'stoolittletobeseen，"shesaid。

"Canyouseethesinstheyoncecommitted？"

"Icanonlyseeyouherebesideme，dear——forever。Forallmylife，dear，tillIdie。Wasthat——thesin？"……

Itookhertothestation，andaftershehadgoneIwastodrivetoDover，andcrosstoCalaisbythenightboat。Icouldn\'t，Ifelt，returntoLondon。WewalkedoverthecrestanddowntothelittlestationofMartinMillsidebyside，talkingatfirstinbrokenfragments，forthemostpartofunimportantthings。

"Noneofthis，"shesaidabruptly，"seemsintheslightestdegreerealtome。I\'vegotnosenseofthingsending。"

"We\'reparting，"Isaid。

"We\'reparting——aspeoplepartinaplay。It\'sdistressing。ButI

don\'tfeelasthoughyouandIwerereallynevertoseeeachotheragainforyears。Doyou？"

Ithought。"No，"Isaid。

"Afterwe\'vepartedIshalllooktotalkitoverwithyou。"

"SoshallI。"

"That\'sabsurd。"

"Absurd。"

"Ifeelasifyou\'dalwayshethere，justaboutwhereyouarenow。

Invisibleperhaps，butthere。We\'vespentsomuchofourlivesjogglingelbows。"……

"Yes。Yes。Idon\'tintheleastrealiseit。IsupposeIshallbegintowhenthetraingoesoutofthestation。Arewewantinginimagination，Isabel？"

"Idon\'tknow。We\'vealwaysassumeditwastheotherwayabout。"

"Evenwhenthetraingoesoutofthestation——！I\'veseenyouintosomanytrains。"

"Ishallgoonthinkingofthingstosaytoyou——thingstoputinyourletters。Foryearstocome。HowcanIeverstopthinkinginthatwaynow？We\'vegotintoeachother\'sbrains。"

"Itisn\'treal，"Isaid；"nothingisreal。Theworld\'snomorethanafantasticdream。Whyareweparting，Isabel？"

"Idon\'tknow。Itseemsnowsupremelysilly。Isupposewehaveto。

Can\'twemeet？——don\'tyouthinkweshallmeetevenindreams？"

"We\'llmeetathousandtimesindreams，"Isaid。

"Iwishwecoulddreamatthesametime，"saidIsabel……"Dreamwalks。Ican\'tbelieve，dear，Ishallneverhaveawalkwithyouagain。"

"IfI\'dstayedsixmonthsinAmerica，"Isaid，"wemighthavewalkedlongwalksandtalkedlongtalksforallourlives。"

"NotinaworldofBaileys，"saidIsabel。"Andanyhow——"

Shestoppedshort。Ilookedinterrogation。

"We\'veloved，"shesaid。

Itookherticket，sawtoherluggage，andstoodbythedoorofthecompartment。"Good-bye，"Isaidalittlestiffly，consciousofthepeopleupontheplatform。Shebentaboveme，whiteanddusky，lookingatmeverysteadfastly。

"Comehere，"shewhispered。"Nevermindtheporters。Whatcantheyknow？Justonetimemore——Imust。"

Sherestedherhandagainstthedoorofthecarriageandbentdownuponme，andputhercold，moistlipstomine。

CHAPTERTHETHIRD

THEBREAKINGPOINT