第3章

Don\'twanttoputtheaccentontheCity，dowe？"saidShoesmith，whohadafeelingforcountyfamilies，andNaylorsupportedhimbyamurmurofapproval。

"WeoughttocallittheARVONIAN，"decidedCossington，"andwemightverywellhaveunderneath，\'WithwhichisincorporatedtheOBSERVER。\'Thatpicksuptheoldtraditions，makesanappealtooldboysandallthat，anditgivesussomethingtoprintunderthetitle。"

IstillheldoutforCITYMERCHANDIZE，whichhadtakenmyfancy。

"Someofthechaps\'peoplewon\'tlikeit，"saidNaylor，"certainnotto。AnditsoundsRum。"

"SoundsWeird，"saidaboywhohadnothithertospoken。

"Wearen\'tgoingtodoanythingQueer，"saidShoesmith，pointedlynotlookingatBritten。

Thequestionofthetitlehadmanifestlygoneagainstus。"Oh！HAVE

itARVONIAN，"Isaid。

"Andnext，whatsizeshallwehave？"saidCossington。

"SomethinglikeMACMILLAN\'SMAGAZINE——orLONGMANS\'；LONGMANS\'isbetterbecauseithasawholepage，notcolumns。Itmakesnoendofdifferencetoone\'seffects。"

"Whateffects？"askedShoesmithabruptly。

"Oh！apauseorawhitelineoranything。You\'vegottowritecloserforadoublecolumn。It\'snuggetty。Youcan\'tgetaswingonyourprose。"IhaddiscussedthisthoroughlywithBritten。

"Ifthefellowsaregoingtowrite——"beganBritten。

"Weoughttokeepofffinewriting，"saidShoesmith。"It\'scheek。

Ivotewedon\'thaveany。"

"Wesha\'n\'tgetany，"saidCossington，andthenasanolivebranchtome，"unlessRemingtondoesabit。OrBritten。Butit\'snogoodmakingtoomuchspaceforit。"

"Weoughttobeverycarefulaboutthewriting，"saidShoesmith。

"Wedon\'twanttogiveourselvesaway。"

"IvoteweaskoldTophamtoseeusthrough，"saidNaylor。

Brittengroanedaloudandeveryoneregardedhim。"Greekepigramsonthefellows\'names，"hesaid。"Smallbeerinancientbottles。

Let\'sgetastuffedbroodyhentoSITonthemagazine。"

"WemightdoworsethanaGreekepigram，"saidCossington。"Oneineachnumber。It——itimpressesparentsandkeepsupourclassiealtradition。AndthemastersCANhelp。Wedon\'twanttoantagonisethem。Ofcourse——we\'vegottodcpartmentalise。Writingisonlyonesectionofthething。TheARVONIANhastostandfortheschool。

There\'squestionsofspaceandquestionsofexpense。Wecan\'tturnoutagreatchunkofprintedproselike——likewetcoldtoastandcallitamagazine。"

Brittenwrithed，appreciatingtheimage。

"There\'stobeasectionofsports。YOUmustdothat。"

"I\'mnotgoingtodoanyfinewriting，"saidShoesmith。

"Whatyou\'vegottodoisjusttolistallthechapsandputanotetotheirplay：——\'Naylorminormustpassmore。Footballisn\'ttheplaceforextremeindividualism。\'\'Ammershamshapeswellashalf-

back。\'Thingslikethat。"

"Icoulddothatallright，"saidShoesmith，brighteningandmanifestlyhecomingpregnantwithjudgments。

"Onegreatthingaboutamagazineofthissort，"saidCossington，"istomentionjustasmanynamesasyoucanineachnumber。Itkeepstheinterestalive。Chapswillturnitoverlookingfortheirownlittlebit。Thenitalllightsupforthem。"

"Doyouwantanyreportsofmatches？"Shoesmithbrokefromhismeditation。

"Rather。Withcomments。"

"Naylorsurpassedhimselfandnegotiatedthelemonsafelyhome，"

saidShoesmith。

"Shutit，"saidNaylormodestly。

"Exactly，"saidCossington。"Thatgivesusthreefeatures，"

touchingthemoffonhisfingers，"Epigram，LiterarySection，Sports。Thenwewantasectiontoshoveanythinginto，ajoke，anoticeofanythingthat\'sgoingon。Soon。OurNoteBook。"

"Oh，Hell！"saidBritten，andclashedhisboots，tothesilentdisapprovalofeveryone。

"Thenwewantaneditorial。"

"AWHAT？"criedBritten，withanoteofrealterrorinhisvoice。

"Well，don\'twe？UnlesswehaveourNoteBooktobeginonthefrontpage。Itgivesascrappyeffecttodothat。Wewantsomethingmanlyandstraightforwardandabitthoughtful，aboutPatriotism，say，orESPRITDECORPS，orAfter-Life。"

IlookedatBritten。HithertowehadnotconsideredCossingtonmatteredverymuchintheworld。

Hewentoverusasamotor-cargoesoveradog。Therewasasortofenergyabouthim，anewsortofenergytous；wehadneverrealisedthatanythingofthesortexistedintheworld。Wewerehopelesslyatadisadvantage。Almostinstantlywehaddevelopedaclearanddetailedvisionofamagazinemadeupofeverythingthatwasmostacceptableinthemagazinesthatflourishedintheadultworldaboutus，andhaddeterminedtomakeitasuccess。Hehadbyakindofinstinct，asitwere，syntheticallyplagiarisedeverysuccessfulmagazineandbreathedintothisdustymixturethebreathoflife。

Hewaselectedathisownsuggestionmanagingdirector，withtheearnestsupportofShoesmithandNaylor，andconductedthemagazinesosuccessfullyandbrilliantlythatheevengotawholebackpageofadvertisementsfromthebigsportsshopinHolborn，andmadetheprinterspayatthesamerateforanoticeofcertainbooksoftheirownwhichtheysaidtheyhadinsertedbyinadvertencytofillupspace。TheonlyliterarycontributioninthefirstnumberwasacolumnbyTophaminfaultlessstereotypedEnglishindepreciationofsomefanciedevilcalledUtilitarianStudiesandendingwiththatnobleoldquotation：——

"TotheglorythatwasGreeceandthegrandeurthatwasRome。"

AndFlackcrowdedusoutofnumbertwowithabrightlittlepaperonthe"HumoursofCricket，"andtheHeadhimselfwasprofuselythoughtfulallovertheeditorialundertheheadingof"TheSchoolChapel；andHowitSeemstoanOldBoy。"

BrittenandIfounditdifficulttoexpresstoeachotherwithanygraceorprecisionwhatwefeltaboutthatmagazine。

CHAPTERTHEFOURTH

ADOLESCENCE

1

Ifinditverydifficulttotracehowformwasaddedtoformandinterpretationfollowedinterpretationinmyever-spreading，ever-

deepening，ever-multiplyingandenrichingvisionofthisworldintowhichIhadbeenborn。Everydayaddeditsimpressions，itshints，itssubtleexplicationstothegrowingunderstanding。Dayafterdaythelivinginterlacingthreadsofamindweavetogether。Everymorningnowforthreeweeksandmore(forto-dayisThursdayandI

startedonaTuesday)Ihavebeentryingtoconveysomeideaofthefactorsandearlyinfluencesbywhichmyparticularscrapofsubjectivetapestrywasshaped，toshowthechildplayingonthenurseryfloor，thesonperplexedbyhismother，gazingaghastathisdeadfather，exploringinterminablesuburbs，touchedbyfirstintimationsofthesexualmystery，cominginwithasortofconfusedaviditytowardsthecentresofthelifeofLondon。Itisonlybysuchanefforttowriteitdownthatonerealiseshowmarvellouslycrowded，howmarvellouslyanalyticalandsyntheticthoseearsmustbe。Onebeginswiththelittlechildtowhomtheskyisaroofofblue，theworldascreenofopaqueanddisconnectedfacts，thehomeathingeternal，and"beinggood"justsimpleobediencetounquestionedauthority；andonecomesatlasttothevastworldofone\'sadultperception，pierceddeepbyflaringsearchlightsofpartialunderstanding，heremaskedbymists，hererefractedanddistortedthroughhalftranslucentveils，hereshowingbroadprospectsandlimitlessvistasandhereimpenetrablydark。

Irecallphasesofdeepspeculation，doubtsandevenprayersbynight，andstrangeoccasionswhenbyasortofhypnoticcontemplationofnothingnessIsoughttopiercethewebofappearancesaboutme。Itishardtomeasurethesethingsinrecedingperspective，andnowIcannottrace，socloselyhasmoodsucceededandoverlaidandobliteratedmood，thephasesbywhichanutterhorrorofdeathwasreplacedbythegrowingrealisationofitsnecessityanddignity。Difficultyoftheimaginationwithinfinitespace，infinitetime，entangledmymind；andmoraldistressforthepainandsufferingofbygoneagesthatmadeallthoughtofreformationinthefutureseembutthegrimmestironyuponnowirreparablewrongs。Manyanintricateperplexityofthesebroadeningyearsdidnotsomuchgetsettledasceasetomatter。

Lifecrowdedmeawayfromit。

Ihaveconfessedmyselfatemerarioustheologian，andinthatpassagefromboyhoodtomanhoodIrangedwidelyinmysearchforsomepermanentlysatisfyingTruth。That，too，ceasedafteratimetobeurgentlyinteresting。Icameatlastintoaphasethatendurestothisday，ofabsolutetranquillity，ofabsoluteconfidenceinwhateverthatIncomprehensibleComprehensivewhichmustneedsbethesubstratumofallthings，maybe。FeelingOFIT，feelingBYIT，Icannotfeelafraidofit。IthinkIhadgotquiteclearlyandfinallytothatadjustmentlongbeforemyCambridgedaysweredone。Iamsurethattheevilinlifeistransitoryandfinitelikeanaccidentordistressinthenursery；thatGodismyFatherandthatImaytrustHim，eventhoughlifehurtssothatonemustneedscryoutatit，eventhoughitshowsnoconsequencebutfailure，nopromisebutpain……

ButwhileIwasfearlessoftheologyImustconfessitwascomparativelylatebeforeIfacedanddaredtoprobethesecreciesofsex。Iwasafraidofsex。Ihadaninstinctiveperceptionthatitwouldbealargeanddifficultthinginmylife，butmyearlytrainingwasallinthedirectionofregardingitasanirrelevantthing，assomethingdisconnectedfromallthebroadsignificancesoflife，ashostileanddisgracefulinitsquality。Theworldwasneversoemasculatedinthought，Isuppose，asitwasintheVictoriantime……

Iwasafraidtothinkeitherofsexor(whatIhavealwaysfoundinseparablefromakindofsexualemotion)beauty。EvenasaboyI

knewthethingasahauntingandalluringmysterythatItriedtokeepawayfrom。Itsdimpresenceobsessedmenonethelessforalltheextravagantdecency，thestimulatingsilencesofmyupbringing……

TheplasterVenusesandApollosthatusedtoadornthevastaisleandhugegreyterracesoftheCrystalPalacewerethefirstintimationsofthebeautyofthebodythatevercameintomylife。

AsIwriteofitIfeelagaintheshamefulattractionofthosegraciousforms。Iusedtolookatthemnotsimply，butcuriouslyandaskance。OnceatleastinmylaterdaysatPenge，Ispentashillinginadmissionchieflyforthesakeofthem……

Thestrangestthingofallmyoddandsolitaryupbringingseemstomenowthatswathingupofallthesplendoursoftheflesh，thatstrangecombinationoffanaticalterrorismandshynessthatfencedmeaboutwithprohibitions。Itcausedmetogrowup，Iwillnotsayblanklyignorant，butwithanignoranceblurredanddishonouredbyshame，byenigmaticalwarnings，bycultivatedaversions，anignoranceinwhichafascinatedcuriosityanddesirestruggledlikeathinginanet。IknewsolittleandIfeltsomuch。TherewasindeednoAphroditeatallinmyyouthfulPantheon，butinsteadtherewasamysteriousandminatorygap。IhavetoldhowatlastanewVenuswasborninmyimaginationoutofgaslampsandthetwilight，aVenuswithacockneyaccentanddarkeyesshiningoutofthedusk，aVenuswhowasawarm，passion-stirringatmosphereratherthanincarnateinabody。AndIhavetold，too，howIboughtapicture。

Allthiswasathingapartfromtherestofmylife，alockedavoidedchamber……

ItwasnotuntilmylastyearatTrinitythatIreallybrokedownthebarriersofthisunwholesomesilenceandbroughtmysecretbroodingstothelightofday。Thenalittlesetofusplungedsuddenlyintowhatwecalledatfirstsociologicaldiscussion。I

canstillrecalleventhephysicalfeelingofthosefirsttentativetalks。IrememberthemmostlyasoccurringintheroomsofTedHatherleigh，whokeptatthecornerbytheTrinitygreatgate，butwealsousedtotalkagooddealataman\'sinKing\'s，amannamed，ifIrememberrightly，Redmayne。TheatmosphereofHatherleigh\'sroomswasahazeoftobaccosmokeagainstabackgroundbrownanddeep。Heprofessedhimselfasocialistwithanarchisticleanings——

hehadsufferedthemartyrdomofduckingforit——andahugeFrenchMay-dayposterdisplayingasplendidproletarianinredandblackonabarricadeagainstaflaringorangesky，dominatedhisdecorations。

Hatherleighaffectedafineuntidiness，andalltheplace，eventhefloor，waslitteredwithbooks，forthemostpartopenandfacedownward；deeperdarknessesweresuppliedbyadiscardedgownandourcaps，allconscientiouslybattered，Hatherleigh\'sfloppedlikeanelephant\'searandinsertedquillpenssupportedthecornersofmine；thehighlightsofthepicturecamechieflyasreflectionsfromhischequeredbluemugsfullofauditale。Wesatonoakchairs，exceptthefourorfivewhocrowdedonacapacioussettle，wedrankalotofbeerandwereoftenfuddled，andoccasionallyquitedrunk，andweallsmokedreckless-lookingpipes，——therewasatransientfashionamongusforcorncobsforwhichMarkTwain，Ithink，wasresponsible。Ourlittleexcesseswithliquorwereduefarmoretoconsciencethanappetite，indicatedchieflyaresolvetobreakawayfromrestraintsthatwesuspectedwerekeepingusofftheinstructiveknife-edgesoflife。HatherleighwasagoodEnglishmanoftheprematuretypewitharedface，alotofhair，adeepvoiceandanexplosiveplungingmanner，anditwashewhosaidoneevening——Heavenknowshowwegottoit——"Lookhere，youknow，it\'sallRot，thisShuttingUpaboutWomen。WeOUGHTtotalkaboutthem。

Whatarewegoingtodoaboutthem？It\'sgottocome。We\'reallfesteringinsideaboutit。Let\'soutwithit。There\'stoomuchDecencyaltogetheraboutthisInfernalUniversity！"

Werosetohischallengealittleawkwardlyandourfirsttalkwasclumsy，therewereflushedfacesandredears，andIrememberHatherleighbrokeoutintoamonologueondecency。"ModestyandDecency，"saidHatherleigh，"areOrientalvices。TheJewsbroughtthemtoEurope。They\'reSemitic，justlikeourmonasticismhereandtheseclusionofwomenandmutilatingthedeadonabattlefield。

Andallthatsortofthing。"

Hatherleigh\'smindprogressedbyhugeleaps，leapsthatwereusuallywildlyinaccurate，andforatimeweengagedhotlyuponthetopicofthoseallegedmutilationsandtheSemiticresponsibilityfordecency。HatherleightriedhardtosaddletheSemiticracewiththelesselegantwarcustomsoftheSoudanandthenorthwestfrontierofIndia，andquotedDoughty，atthattimealittle-knownauthor，andCunninghameGrahamtoshowthattheArabwasworsethanacounty-

townspinsterinhisregardforrespectability。Buthiscasewastoopreposterous，andEsmeer，withhisshrillpenetratingvoiceandhiswayofpointingwithallfourlongfingersflattogether，carriedthepointagainsthim。HequotedCatoandRomanlawandthemonasteriesofThibet。

"Well，anyway，"saidHatherleigh，escapingfromourhandslikeanintellectualfrog，"Semiticornot，I\'vegotnousefordecency。"

WearguedpointsandHatherleighprofessedanunusuallybalancedandtoleratingattitude。"Idon\'tmindacertainrefinementanddignity，"headmittedgenerously。"WhatIobjecttoisthisspreadingoutofdecencyuntilitdarkensthewholesky，untilitmakesaman\'sfatherafraidtospeakofthemostimportantthings，untilitmakesamanafraidtolookafrankbookinthefaceorthink——eventhink！untilitleadstoourcomingto——tothebusinessatlastwithnothingbutafewprohibitions，afewhints，alotofdirtyjokesand，and"——hewavedahandandseemedtoseekandcatchhisimageintheair——"oh，aconfoundedbutteredslideofsentiment，toguideus。ItellyouI\'mgoingtothinkaboutitandtalkaboutituntilIseealittlemoredaylightthanIdoatpresent。I\'mtwenty-two。Thingsmighthappentomeanywhen。Youmencangooutintotheworldifyoulike，tosinlikefoolsandmarrylikefools，notknowingwhatyouaredoingandashamedtoask。

You\'lltaketheconsequences，too，Iexpect，prettymeekly，sniggeringabit，sentimentalisingabit，like——likeCambridgehumorists……ImeantoknowwhatI\'mdoing。"

Hepausedtodrink，andIthinkIcutinwithideasofmyown。Butoneisapttoforgetone\'sownshareinatalk，Ifind，morethanonedoestheclear-cutobjectivityofotherpeople\'s，andIdonotknowhowfarIcontributedtothisdiscussionthatfollowed。Iam，however，prettycertainthatitwasthenthatidealthatwewerepleasedtocallaristocracyandwhichsoonbecamethecommonpropertyofoursetwasdeveloped。ItwasEsmeer，Iknow，wholaiddownandmaintainedthepropositionthatsofarasmindswenttherewerereallyonlytwosortsofmanintheworld，thearistocratandthemanwhosubdueshismindtootherpeople\'s。

"\'Icouldn\'tTHINKofit，Sir，\'"saidEsmeerinhiselucidatorytones；"that\'swhataservantsays。Hismindevenisbrokenintorunbetweenfences，andheadmitsit。WE\'VEgottoheabletothinkofanything。And\'suchthingsaren\'tfortheLikesofUs！\'That\'sanotherservant\'ssaying。Well，everythingISfortheLikesofUs。

Ifweseefit，thatis。"

Asmallfresh-colouredmaningreyobjected。

"Well，"explodedHatherleigh，"ifthatisn\'tsowhatthedeuceareweupherefor？Insteadofworkinginmines？Ifsomethingsaren\'ttobethoughtaboutever！We\'vegottheprivilegeofalltheseextrayearsforgettingthingsstraightinourheads，andthenwewon\'tuse\'em。GoodGod！whatdoyouthinkauniversity\'sfor？"……

Esmeer\'sideacamewithaneffectofrealemancipationtoseveralofus。Wewerenotgoingtobeafraidofideasanylonger，weweregoingtothrowdowneverybarrierofprohibitionandtaketheminandseewhatcameofit。Webecameforatimeevenintemperatelyexperimental，andoneofus，atthebaresuggestionofaneminentpsychicinvestigator，tookhashishandverynearlydiedofitwithinafortnightofourgreatelucidation。

Thechiefmatterofourinterchangeswasofcoursethediscussionofsex。Oncethethemehadbeenopeneditbecameasoreplaceinourintercourse；noneofusseemedabletokeepawayfromit。Ourimaginationsgotastirwithit。Wemadeupforlosttimeandwentrounditandthroughitandoveritexhaustively。IrecallprolongeddiscussionofpolygamyonthewaytoRoyston，muddyNovembertrampstoMadingley，whenamidstmuchprofanityfromHatherleighattheserioustreatmentofsoobsoleteamatter，weweighedthereasons，ifany，fortheinstitutionofmarriage。Thefinedimnight-timespacesoftheGreatCourtareboundupwiththeinconclusivefinalesofmightyhot-earedwrangles；thenarrowsofTrinityStreetandPettyCuryandMarketHillhavetheirparticularassociationsformewiththatspateofconfessionandfreespeech，thatalmostpainfulgoaldeliveryoflongpentandcrappledandsometimescrippledideas。

AndwewentonareadingpartythatEastertoaplacecalledPulboroughinSussex，wherethereisafishinginnandariverthatgoesunderabridge。ItwasalateEasterandablazingone，andweboatedandbathedandtalkedofbeingHellenicandthebeautyofthebodyuntilatmomentsitseemedtousthatweweredestinedtorestoretheGoldenAge，bythesimpleabolitionoftailorsandoutfitters。

Thoseundergraduatetalks！howrichandglorioustheyseemed，howsplendidlynewtheideasthatgrewandmultipliedinourseethingminds！WemadelongafternoonandeveningraidsovertheDownstowardsArundel，andwouldcometrampingbackthroughthestillkeenmoonlightsingingandshouting。Weformedromanticfriendshipswithoneanother，andgrievedmoreorlessconvincinglythattherewerenosplendidwomenfittobeourcompanionsintheworld。ButHatherleigh，itseemed，hadonceknownagirlwhosehairwasgloriouslyred。"MyGod！"saidHatherleightoconveythequalityofher；justsimplyandwithprojectileviolence："MyGod！

Bentonhadheardofawomanwholivedwithamanrefusingtobemarriedtohim——wethoughtthatsplendidbeyondmeasure，——Icannotnowimaginewhy。Shewas"likeatendergoddess，"Bentonsaid。A

sortofshamecameuponusinthedarkinspiteofourliberalintentionswhenBentoncommittedhimselftothat。Andaftersuchtalkwewouldfallupongreatpausesofemotionaldreaming，andifbychancewepassedagirlinagovernesscart，orsomefarmer\'sdaughterwalkingtothestation，webecamealertlysilentorobstreperouslyindifferenttoher。Formightshenotbejustthatoneexceptiontothebanaldecency，thesicklypointlessconventionality，theshammodestyofthetimesinwhichwelived？

Wefeltwestoodforanewmovement，notrealisinghowperenniallythissameemancipationreturnstothoseancientcourtsbesidetheCam。Weweretheanti-decencyparty，wediscoveredacatchphrasethatweflourishedaboutintheUnionandmadeourwatchword，namely，"starkfact。"Wehungnudepicturesinourroomsmuchasiftheyhadbeenflags，totheearnestconcernofourbedders，andI

disinterredmylong-keptengravingandhaditframedinfumedoak，andfoundforitacompleterandlessrestrainedcompanion，acompanionInevercaredforintheslightestdegree……

Thisefflorescencedidnotprevent，Ithinkindeeditratherhelped，ourmoreformaluniversitywork，formostofustookfirsts，andthreeofusgotFellowshipsinoneyearoranother。TherewasBentonwhohadaResearchFellowshipandwenttoTubingen，therewasEsmeerandmyselfwhobothbecameResidentialFellows。IhadtakentheMentalandMoralScienceTripos(asitwasthen)，andthreeyearslaterIgotalectureshipinpoliticalscience。InthosedaysitwasdisguisedinthecloakofPoliticalEconomy。

2

Itwasouraffectationtobealittledetachedfromthemainstreamofundergraduatelife。Weworkedprettyhard，butbyvirtueofourbeer，oursocialismandsuchlikeheterodoxy，heldourselvestobedifferentiatedfromtheswattingreadingman。Noneofus，exceptBaxter，whowasarowingblue，aratherabnormalbluewithanappetiteforideas，tookgamesseriouslyenoughtotrain，andontheotherhandweintimatedcontemptfortherathermediocre，deliberatelyhumorous，consciouslygentlemanlyandconsciouslywildundergraduatemenwhomadeupthemassofCambridgelife。Afterthemannerofyouthwewerealtogethertoohardonourcontemporaries。

Webatteredourcapsandtoreourgownslesttheyshouldseemnew，andwedespisedtheseothersextremelyfordoingexactlythesamethings；wehadanideaofourselvesandresentedbeyondmeasureasimilarweaknessintheseourbrothers。

Therewasatype，oratleastthereseemedtoustobeatype——I\'malittledoubtfulattimesnowwhetherafterallwedidn\'tcreateit——

forwhichHatherleighinventedthenicknamethe"PinkyDinkys，"

intendingtherebybothcontemptandabhorrenceinalmostequalmeasure。ThePinkyDinkysummarisedallthatweparticularlydidnotwanttobe，andalso，Inowperceive，muchofwhatwewereandallthatwesecretlydreadedbecoming。

ButitishardtoconveythePinkyDinkyidea，forallthatitmeantsomuchtous。WespentoneeveningatleastduringthatreadingpartyuponthePinkyDinky；wesataboutouronefireafterawalkintherain——itwasouronlywetday——smokedourexcessivelyvirilepipes，andelaboratedthenaturalhistoryofthePinkyDinky。WeimprovisedasortofPinkyDinkylitany，andHatherleighsupplieddeepnotesfortheresponses。

"ThePinkyDinkyextractsagooddealofamusementfromlife，"saidsomeone。

"Damnedprig！"saidHatherleigh。

"ThePinkyDinkyarisesintheUnionandtreatsthequestionwithalightgaytouch。Hemakestheweirdonesmad。Butsometimeshecannotgoonbecauseoftheamusementheextracts。"

"Iwanttoshybooksatthegigglingswine，"saidHatherleigh。

"ThePinkyDinkysayssuddenlywhileheismakingthetea，\'We\'reallbeingfrightfullyfunny。It\'stimeforyoutosaysomethingnow。\'"

"ThePinkyDinkyshakeshisheadandsays：\'I\'mafraidIshallneverbearesponsiblebeing。\'AndhereallyISfrivolous。"

"Frivolousbutnotvulgar，"saidEsmeer。

"PinkyDinkysarechapswho\'vehadtheirbudsnipped，"saidHatherleigh。"They\'rePlebsandtheyknowit。Theyhaven\'ttheGutstogetholdofthings。Andsotheyworryupallthosesillylittlejokesoftheirstocarryitoff。"……

Wetriedbadonesforatime，viciouslyflavoured。

PinkyDinkysareduetoover-productionofthetypethatoughttokeepoutfitters\'shops。PinkyDinkyswouldliketokeepoutfitters\'

shopswithwhimsy\'scriptionsontheboxesandmakeyourbilloutfunny，andnotbesnobstocustomers，no！——noteveniftheyhadtitles。"

"EveryPinkyDinky\'speoplearerathergoodpeople，andbetterthanmostPinkyDinky\'speople。Buthedoesnotputonside。"

"PinkyDinkysbecomeplayfulatthesightofwomen。"

"\'Croquet\'smygame，\'saidthePinkyDinky，andfeltamancondescended。"

"Butwhatthedevildotheythinkthey\'reupto，anyhow？"roaredoldHatherleighsuddenly，droppingplumpintobottomlessdespair。

WefeltwehadstillfailedtogetatthecoreofthemysteryofthePinkyDinky。

Wetriedoverthingsabouthisreligion。"ThePinkyDinkygoestoKing\'sChapel，andsitsandfeelsinthedusk。Solemnthings！OhHUSH！Hewouldn\'ttellyou——"

"HeCOULDN\'Ttellyou。"

"Religionissosacredtohimhenevertalksaboutit，neverreadsaboutit，neverthinksaboutit。Justfeels！"

"Butinhisheartofhearts，oh！eversodeep，thePinkyDinkyhasadoubt——"

Someoneprotested。

"Notavulgardoubt，"Esmeerwenton，"butakindofhesitationwhethertheAncientofDaysisreallyexactlywhatonewouldcallgoodform……There\'salotofhorridcoarsenessgotintotheworldsomehow。SOMEBODYputitthere……Andanyhowthere\'snoparticularreasonwhyamanshouldbeseenaboutwithHim。He\'sjollyAwfulofcourseandallthat——"

"ThePinkyDinkyforallhisfunandlevityhasacleanmind。"

"Athoroughlycleanmind。NotlikeEsmeer\'s——thePig！"

"Ifoncehebegantothinkaboutsex，howcouldhebecomfortableatcroquet？"

"It\'stheirDamnedModesty，"saidHatherleighsuddenly，"that\'swhat\'sthematterwiththePinkyDinky。It\'sMentalCowardicedressedupasavirtueandtakingthepoordearsin。Cambridgeissoakedwithit；it\'ssomeconfoundedlocalbacillus。LikethethingthatgivesaflavourtoHavanacigars。Hecomesupheretobemadeintoamanandarulerofthepeople，andhethinksitshowsanicedispositionnottotakeonthejob！HowtheDevilisagreatEmpiretoberunwithmenlikehim？"

"Allhislittlejokesandthings，"saidEsmeerregardinghisfeetonthefender，"it\'sjustanervoussniggering——becausehe\'safraid……

Oxford\'snobetter。"

"What\'sheafraidof？"saidI。

"Godknows！"explodedHatherleighandstaredatthefire。

"LIFE！"saidEsmeer。"Andsoinawayarewe，"headded，andmadeathoughtfulsilenceforatime。

"Isay，"beganCarter，whowasdoingtheNaturalScienceTripos，"whatistheadultformofthePinkyDinky？"

Buttherewewerecheckedbyourignoranceoftheworld。

"Whatistheadultformofanyofus？"askedBenton，voicingthethoughtthathadarrestedourflow。

3

IdonotrememberthatweeverliftedourcriticismtothedonsandtheorganisationoftheUniversity。Ithinkwetookthemforgranted。WhenIlookbackatmyyouthIamalwaysastonishedbythemultitudeofthingsthatwetookforgranted。ItseemedtousthatCambridgewasintheorderofthings，foralltheworldlikehavingeyebrowsoravermiformappendix。NowwiththelargerscepticismofmiddleageIcanentertainveryfundamentaldoubtsabouttheseolduniversities。IndeedIhadascheme——

IdonotseewhatharmIcandonowbylayingbarethepurposeofthepoliticalcombinationsIwastryingtoeffect。

Myeducationalschemewasindeedthestarting-pointofallthebigprojectofconsciouspublicreconstructionatwhichIaimed。I

wantedtobuildupaneweducationalmachinealtogetherforthegoverningclassoutofaconsolidatedsystemofspecialpublicserviceschools。ImeanttogettoworkuponthiswhateverofficeI

wasgiveninthenewgovernment。IcouldhavebegunmyplanfromtheAdmiraltyortheWarOfficequiteaseasilyasfromtheEducationOffice。Iamfirmlyconvinceditishopelesstothinkofreformingtheoldpublicschoolsanduniversitiestomeettheneedsofamodernstate，theysendtheirrootstoodeepandfar，thecostwouldexceedanygoodthatcouldpossiblybeeffected，andsoIhavesoughtawayroundthisinvincibleobstacle。Idothinkitwouldbequitepracticabletoside-track，astheAmericanssay，thewholesystembycreatinghardworking，hard-living，modernandscientificboys\'schools，firstfortheRoyalNavyandthenforthepublicservicegenerally，andastheygrew，openingthemtothepublicwithoutanyabsoluteobligationtosubsequentservice。

Simultaneouslywiththisitwouldnotbeimpossibletodevelopanewcollegesystemwithstrongfacultiesinmodernphilosophy，modernhistory，Europeanliteratureandcriticism，physicalandbiologicalscience，educationandsociology。

Wecouldinfactcreateanewliberaleducationinthisway，andcuttheumbilicusoftheclassicallanguagesforgoodandall。Ishouldhavesetthisgoing，andtrustedittocorrectorkilltheoldpublicschoolsandtheOxfordandCambridgetraditionaltogether。I

hadmeninmymindtobeginthework，andIshouldhavefoundothers。Ishouldhaveaimedatmakingahard-trained，capable，intellectuallyactive，proudtypeofman。Everythingelsewouldhavebeenmadesubservienttothat。Ishouldhavekeptmygriponthementhroughtheirvacation，andsomehoworotherIwouldhavecontrivedayoungwomantomatchthem。IthinkIcouldhaveseentoiteffectuallyenoughthattheydidn\'tgetatcroquetandtenniswiththevicaragedaughtersanddiscoversexinthePeepingTomfashionIdid，andthattheyrealisedquiteearlyinlifethatitisn\'treallyviriletoreekoftobacco。Ishouldhavehadmilitarymanoeuvres，trainingships，aeroplanework，mountaineeringandsoforth，intheplaceofthesolemntrivialitiesofgames，andI

shouldhavefedandhousedmymencleanandveryhard——wheretherewasn\'tanyauditale，nocredittradesmen，andplentyofhighpressuredouches……

IhaverevisitedCambridgeandOxfordtimeaftertimesinceIcamedown，andsofarastheEmpiregoes，Iwanttogetclearofthosetwoplaces……

AlwaysIrenewmyoldfeelings，aphysicaloppression，asenseoflownessanddampnessalmostexactlylikethefeelingofanundergroundroomwherepapermouldersandleavesthewall，afeelingofineradicablecontagionintheGothicbuildings，inthenarrowditch-likerivers，inthoseroadsandroadsofstuffylittlevillas。

Thoselittlevillashavedestroyedallthegoodoftheoldmonasticsystemandnoneofitsevil……

Someofthemostcharmingpeopleintheworldliveinthem，buttheircollectiveeffectisbelowthequalityofanyindividualamongthem。Cambridgeisaworldofsubduedtones，ofexcessivelysubtlehumours，ofprimconductandfreethinking；itfearstheParent，butithasnofearofGod；itoffersamidstsurroundingsthatvarybetweendisguisesandantiquariancharmtheinflammationofliterature\'spurpledraught；onehearsthereapeculiarthinscandallikenootherscandalintheworld——acovetousscandal——sothatIamalwaysremindedofIbseninCambridge。InCambridgeandtheplaysofIbsenalonedoesitseemappropriatefortheheroinebeforethegreatcrisisoflifeto"enter，takeoffherovershoes，andputherwetumbrellauponthewritingdesk。"……

WehavetomakeanewAcademicmindformodernneeds，andthelastthingtomakeitoutof，Iamconvinced，istheoldAcademicmind。

OnemightassoontrytofaketheoldVICTORYatPortsmouthintoalineofbattleshipagain。BesideswhichtheoldAcademicmind，likethoseoldbathless，dampGothiccolleges，ismuchtoodelightfulinitspeculiaranddistinctivewaytodamagebyfutilepatching。

MyheartwarmstoasenseofaffectionateabsurdityasIrecalldearoldCodger，surelythemost"unleaderly"ofmen。NomorethanfromtheoldSchoolmen，hiskindred，couldonegetfromhimaSchoolforPrinces。YetapartfromhisteachinghewasascuriousandadorableasagoodNetsuke。UntilquiterecentlyhewasapowerinCambridge，hecouldmakeandbaranddestroy，andinawayhehasbecomethequintessenceofCambridgeinmythoughts。

Iseehimonhiswaytothemorning\'slecture，withhisplumpchildishface，hisroundinnocenteyes，hisabsurdlynon-prehensilefathandcarryinghiscap，hisgreytrousersbracedupmuchtoohigh，hisfeetatrifleinturned，andgoingacrossthegreatcourtwithaqueertrippingpacethatseemedcultivatedeventomynaiveundergraduateeye。OrIseehimlecturing。Helecturedwalkingupanddownbetweenthedesks，talkinginaflutingrapidvoice，andwiththeutmostlucidity。Ifhecouldnotwalkupanddownhecouldnotlecture。Hismindandvoicehadpreciselythefluidqualityofsomeclearsubtleliquid；onefeltitcouldflowroundanythingandovercomenothing。Anditsnimbleeddieswerewonderful！OragainI

recallhimdrinkingportwithlittlemuscularmovementsinhisneckandcheekandchinandhisbrowsknit——veryjudicial，veryconcentrated，preparingtosaytheaptjustthing；itwasthelastthinghewouldhavetoldalieabout。

WhenIthinkofCodgerIamremindedofaninscriptionIsawonsomeoccasioninRegent\'sParkabovetwoeyesscarcelymorelimpidlyinnocentthanhis——"BornintheMenagerie。"NeveroncesinceCodgerbegantodisplaytheearlypromiseofscholarshipattheageofeightormore，hadhebeenoutsidethebars。Hisutmosttravelhadbeentolecturehereandlecturethere。Hisstudentphasehadculminatedinpapersofquiteexceptionalbrilliance，andhehadgoneontolecturewithacheerfulcombinationofwitandmannerismthathadmadehimasuccessfromthebeginning。Hehaslecturedeversince。Helecturesstill。Yearbyyearhehasbecomeplumper，morerubicundandmoreandmoreofanitemfortheintelligentvisitortosee。Eveninmytimehewaspointedouttopeopleaspartofourinnumerableenrichments，andobviouslyheknewit。HehasbecomenowalmosttheleadingCharacterinalittledonnishworldofmuchtoointenselyappreciatedCharacters。

Heboastedhetooknoexercise，andalsoofhisknowledgeofportwine。Ofotherwinesheconfessedquitefranklyhehadno"specialknowledge。"BeyondthesethingshehadlittleprideexceptthatheclaimedtohavereadeverynovelbyawomanwriterthathadeverenteredtheUnionLibrary。This，however，heheldtoberemarkableratherthanennobling，andsuchboastsashemadeofitweretingedwithplayfulness。Certainlyhehadascholar\'sknowledgeoftheworksofMissMarieCorelli，MissBraddon，MissElizabethGlynandMadameSarahGrandthatwouldhaveastonishedandflatteredthoseladiesenormously，andhelovednothingsomuchinhishoursofrelaxationastopropoundandanswerdifficultquestionsupontheirbooks。TusherofKing\'swashisineffectualrivalinthisfield，theirboutswerememorableandrarelyotherthangloriousforCodger；butthenTusherspreadhimselftoomuch，healsoundertooktorehearsewholepagesoutofBradshaw，andtellyouwithallthechangeshowtogetfromanystationtoanystationinGreatBritainbythenearestandcheapestroutes……

Codgerlodgedwithalittledeafinnocentoldlady，Mrs。AramintaMergle，whowasunderstoodtobeherselfaveryredoubtableCharacterintheGyp-Bedderclass；aboutherherelatedquietlyabsurdanecdotes。HedisplayedamarvellousinventioninascribingtoherplausibleexpressionsofopinionentirelyidenticalinimportwiththoseoftheOxfordandHarvardPragmatists，againstwhomhewagedafierceobscurewar……

ItwasCodger\'sfunctiontoteachmephilosophy，philosophy！theintimatewisdomofthings。HedealtinavarietyofHegelianstufflikenothingelseintheworld，butmarvellouslyconsistentwithitself。Itwasawonderfulwebhespunoutofthatqueerbigactivechildishbrainthathadneverlustednorhatednorgrievednorfearednorpassionatelyloved，——awebofiridescentthreads。HehadluminousfinaltheoriesaboutLoveandDeathandImmortality，oddmatterstheyseemedforhimtothinkabout！andallhiswoventhoughtslayacrossmyperceptionoftherealitiesofthings，asflimsyandirrelevantandcleverandbeautiful，oh！——asadew-wetspider\'swebslunginthemorningsunshineacrosstheblackmouthofagun……

4

AllthroughthoseyearsofdevelopmentIperceivenowtheremusthavebeengrowinginme，slowly，irregularly，assimilatingtoitselfallthephrasesandformsofpatriotism，divertingmyreligiousimpulses，utilisingmyesthetictendencies，mydominatingidea，thestatesman\'sidea，thatideaofsocialservicewhichistheprotagonistofmystory，thatrealthoughcomplexpassionforMaking，makingwidelyandgreatly，cities，nationalorder，civilisation，whoseinterplaywithallthoseotherfactorsinlifeI

havesetouttopresent。Itwasgrowinginme——asone\'sbonesgrow，nomanintendingit。

Ihavetriedtoshowhow，quiteearlyinmylife，thefactofdisorderliness，theconceptionofsociallifeasbeingamultitudinousconfusionoutofhand，cametome。Onealwaysofcoursesimplifiesthesethingsinthetelling，butIdonotthinkI

eversawtheworldatlargeinanyotherterms。Ineveratanystageentertamedtheideawhichsustainedmymother，andwhichsustainssomanypeopleintheworld，——theideathattheuniverse，whateversuperficialdiscordsitmaypresent，isasamatteroffact"allright，"isbeingsteeredtodefiniteendsbyasereneandunquestionableGod。MymotherthoughtthatOrderprevailed，andthatdisorderwasjustincidentalandforedoomedrebellion；Ifeelandhavealwaysfeltthatorderrebelsagainstandstrugglesagainstdisorder，thatorderhasanup-hilljob，ingardens，experiments，suburbs，everythingalike；fromtheverybeginningsofmyexperienceIdiscoveredhostilitytoorder，aconstantescapingfromcontrol。

Thecurrentoflivingandcontemporaryideasinwhichmymindwaspresentlyswimmingmadeallinthesamedirection；inplaceofmymother\'sattentive，meticulousbutoccasionallyextremelyirascibleProvidence，thetalkwasalloftheStruggleforExistencandthesurvivalnotoftheBest——thatwasnonsense，butofthefittesttosurvive。

TheattemptstorehabilitateFaithintheformoftheIndividualist\'sLAISSEZFAIREneverwonuponme。IdislikedHerbertSpencerallmylifeuntilIreadhisautobiography，andthenI

laughedalittleandlovedhim。IrememberasearlyastheCityMerchants\'dayshowBrittenandIscoffedatthatpompousquestion-

beggingword"Evolution，"having，sotospeak，founditout。

Evolution，someilluminatingtalkerhadremarkedattheBrittenlunchtable，hadlednotonlytoman，buttotheliver-flukeandskunk，obviouslyitmightleadanywhere；ordercameintothingsonlythroughthestrugglingmindofman。Thatlitthingswonderfullyforus。WhenIwentuptoCambridgeIwasperfectlyclearthatlifewasavariousandsplendiddisorderofforcesthatthespiritofmansetsitselftotame。Ihaveneversincefallenawayfromthatpersuasion。

IdonotthinkIwasexceptionallyprecociousinreachingtheseconclusionsandasortofreligiousfinalityformyselfbyeighteenornineteen。Iknowmenandwomenvaryverymuchinthesematters，justaschildrendoinlearningtotalk。Somewillchatterateighteenmonthsandsomewillhardlyspeakuntilthree，andthethinghasverylittletodowiththeirsubsequentmentalquality。

Soitiswithyoungpeople；somewillbegintheirreligious，theirsocial，theirsexualinterestsatfourteen，somenotuntilfaroninthetwenties。BrittenandIbelongedtooneoftheprecocioustypes，andCossingtonveryprobablytoanother。Itwasn\'tthattherewasanythingpriggishaboutanyofus；weshouldhavebeenprigstohaveconcealedourspontaneousinterestsandapethetheoreticalboy。

TheworldofmancentredformyimaginationinLondon，itstillcentresthere；therealandpresentworld，thatistosay，asdistinguishedfromthewonder-landsofatomicandmicroscopicscienceandthestarsandfuturetime。Ihadtravelledscarcelyatall，IhadnevercrossedtheChannel，butIhadreadcopiouslyandI

hadformedaverygoodworkingideaofthisroundglobewithitsmountainsandwildernessesandforestsandallthesortsandconditionsofhumanlifethatwerescatteredoveritssurface。Itwasallalive，Ifelt，andchangingeveryday；howitwaschanging，andthechangesmenmightbringabout，fascinatedmymindbeyondmeasure。

IusedtofindacharminoldmapsthatshowedTheWorldasKnowntotheAncients，andIwishIcouldnowwithoutanysuspicionofself-

deceptionwritedowncompactlytheworldasitwasknowntomeatnineteen。Sofarasextensionwentitwas，Ifancy，veryliketheworldIknownowatforty-two；Ihadpracticallyallthemountainsandseas，boundariesandraces，productsandpossibilitiesthatI

havenow。Butitsintensionwasverydifferent。Alltheintervalhasbeenincreasinganddeepeningmysocialknowledge，replacingcrudeandsecond-handimpressionsbyfeltandrealiseddistinctions。

In1895——thatwasmylastyearwithBritten，forIwentuptoCambridgeinSeptember——myvisionoftheworldhadmuchthesamerelationtothevisionIhaveto-daythatanill-drawndaubofamaskhastothedirectvisionofahumanface。BrittenandIlookedatourworldandsaw——whatdidwesee？Formsandcolourssidebysidethatwehadnosuspicionwereinterdependent。Wehadnoconceptionoftherootsofthingsnorofthereactionofthings。Itdidnotseemtous，forexample，thatbusinesshadanythingtodowithgovernment，orthatmoneyandmeansaffectedtheheroicissuesofwar。Therewerenowagonsinourwargame，andwheretherewereguns，thereitwasassumedtheammunitionwasgatheredtogether。

Financeagainwasasealedbooktous；wedidnotsomuchconnectitwiththebroadaspectsofhumanaffairsasregarditasasortofintrusivenuisancetobeearnestlyignoredbyallright-mindedmen。

Wehadnoconceptionofthequalityofpolitics，norhow"interests"

cameintosuchaffairs；webelievedmenwereswayedbypurelyintellectualconvictionsandwereeitherrightorwrong，honestordishonest(inwhicheasetheydeservedtobeshot)，goodorbad。Weknewnothingofmentalinertia，andcouldimaginetheopinionofawholenationchangedbyonelucidandconvincingexposition。Wewerecapableofthemostincongruoustransfersfromthescrollofhistorytoourowntimes，wecouldsupposeBrixtonravagedandHampsteadburntincivilwarsforthesuccessiontothethrone，orCheapsidealaneofdeathandthefrontoftheMansionHousesetaboutwithguillotinesinthecourseofanaccuratelytransposedFrenchRevolution。WerebuiltLondonbyActofParliament，andonceinamoodofhygienicenterprisewetransferreditspopulationEN

MASSEtotheNorthDownsbyanorderoftheLocalGovernmentBoard。

Wethoughtnothingofthrowingreligiousorganisationsoutofemploymentorsupersedingallthenewspapersbyfreelydistributedbulletins。Wecouldcontemplatethepossibilityoflawsabolishingwholeclasses；wewereequaltosuchadreamasthepeacefulandorderlyproclamationofCommunismfromthestepsofSt。Paul\'sCathedral，afterthepassingofasimplywordedbill，——acloseandnotunnaturallyanexcitingdivisioncarryingthethirdreading。I

rememberquitedistinctlyevolvingthatvision。Wewerethenfullyfifteenandwewereperfectlyseriousaboutit。Wewerenotfools；

itwassimplythatasyetwehadgatherednoexperienceatallofthelimitsandpowersoflegislationandconsciouscollectiveintention……

Ithinkthisstatementdoesmyboyhoodjustice，andyetIhavemydoubts。Itissohardnowtosaywhatoneunderstoodandwhatonedidnotunderstand。Itisn\'tonlythateverydaychangedone\'sgeneraloutlook，butalsothataboyfluctuatesbetweenphasesofquiteadultunderstandingandphasesoftawdrilymagnificentpuerility。SometimesImyselfwasinthosetumbrilsthatwentalongCheapsidetotheMansionHouse，aSydneyCartonesquefigure，awhitedefeatedMirabean；sometimesitwasIwhosatjudgingandcondemningandruling(sleepinginmyclothesandfeedingverysimply)thesoulandautocratoftheProvisionalGovernment，whichoccupied，ofallinconvenientplaces！theGeneralPostOfficeatSt。Martin\'s-le-

Grand！……

IcannottracethedevelopmentofmyideasatCambridge，butI

believethemerephysicalfactofgoingtwohours\'journeyawayfromLondongavethatplaceforthefirsttimeaneffectofunityinmyimagination。IgotoutsideLondon。Itbecametangibleinsteadofbeingaframealmostasuniversalasseaandsky。

AtCambridgemyideasceasedtoliveinaduologue；inexchangeforBritten，withwhom，however，Icorrespondedlengthily，stylishlyandself-consciouslyforsomeyears，Ihadnowasetofcongenialfriends。Igottalkwithsomeoftheyoungerdons，IlearnttospeakintheUnion，andinmylittlesetwewereallprettybusilysharpeningeachother\'switsandcorrectingeachother\'sinterpretations。Cambridgemadepoliticspersonalandactual。AtCityMerchants\'wehadhadnosenseofeffectivecontact；weboasted，itistrue，anundersecretaryandacolonialgovernoramongouroldboys，buttheywereneverrealtous；suchdistinguishedsonsasreturnedtovisittheoldschoolwereallusiveandpleasantinthebestPinkyDinkystyle，andpretendedtobeinearnestaboutnothingbutourfootballandcricket，tomourntheabolitionof"water，"andfindashudderingpersonalinterestintheancientswishingblock。AtCambridgeIfeltforthefirsttimethatItouchedthethingthatwasgoingon。ReallivingstatesmencamedowntodebateintheUnion，theolderdonshadbeentheircollegeintimates，theirsonsandnephewsexpoundedthemtousandmadethemrealtous。Theyinvitedustoentertainideas；Ifoundmyselfforthefirsttimeinmylifeexpectedtoreadandthinkanddiscuss，mysecretvicehadbecomeavirtue。

Thatcombination-roomworldisatlastlargerandmorepopulousandvariousthantheworldofschoolmasters。TheShoesmithsandNaylorswhohadbeenthearistocracyofCityMerchants\'fellintotheirplaceinmymind；theybecameanundistinguishedmassonthemoreathleticsideofPinkyDinkyism，andtheirhostilitytoideasandtotheexpressionofideasceasedtolimitandtroubleme。Thebrightermenofeachgenerationstayup；theseothersgodowntopropagatetheirtradition，asthefathersoffamilies，asmediocreprofessionalmen，asassistantmastersinschools。Cambridgewhichperfectsthemisbythenatureofthingsleastoppressedbythem，——

exceptwhenitcomestoavoteinConvocation。

WewerestillinthosedaysundertheshadowofthegreatVictorians。IneversawGladstone(asIneverseteyesontheoldQueen)，buthehadresignedofficeonlyayearbeforeIwentuptoTrinity，andtheCombinationRoomswerefullofpersonalgossipabouthimandDisraeliandtheotherbigfiguresofthegladiatorialstageofParlimentaryhistory，talkthatleakedcopiouslyintosuchsetsasmine。TheceilingofourguestchamberatTrinitywasgloriouswiththearmsofSirWilliamHarcourt，whoseDeathDutieshadseemedatfirstlikeasocialistdawn。Mr。EveshamweaskedtocometotheUnioneveryyear，Masters，ChamberlainandtheoldDukeofDevonshire；theydidnotcomeindeed，buttheirpoliterefusalsbroughtusall，asitwere，withinpersonaltouchofthem。Oneheardofcabinetcouncilsandmeetingsatcountryhouses。Someofus，pursuingsuchinterests，wentsofarastoreadpoliticalmemoirsandthenovelsofDisraeliandMrs。HumphryWard。Fromgossip，exampleandtheillustratednewspapersonelearntsomethingofthewayinwhichpartiesweresplit，coalitionsformed，howpermanentofficialsworkedandcontrolledtheirministers，howmeasureswerebroughtforwardandprojectsmodified。

AndwhileIwasgettingthegreatleadingfiguresonthepoliticalstage，whohadbeenpresentedtomeinmyschooldaysnotsomuchasmenasthepantomimicmonstersofpoliticalcaricature，whileIwasgettingthemreducedinmyimaginationtothestatureofhumanity，andtheirmotivestothequalityofimpulseslikemyown，IwasalsoacquiringinmyTriposworkaconstantlydevelopingandenrichingconceptionoftheworldofmenasacomplexofeconomic，intellectualandmoralprocesses……

5

SocialismisanintellectualProteus，buttothemenofmygenerationitcameastherevoltoftheworkers。RodbertusweneverheardofandtheFabianSocietywedidnotunderstand；MarxandMorris，theChicagoAnarchists，JUSTICEandSocialDemocraticFederation(asitwasthen)presentedsocialismtoourminds。

HatherleighwastheleadingexponentofthenewdoctrinesinTrinity，andthefigureuponhiswallofahuge-muscled，black-

hairedtoilerswaggeringsledgehammerinhandacrossarevolutionarybarricade，seemedthequintessenceofwhathehadtoexpound。

Landlordandcapitalisthadrobbedandenslavedtheworkers，andweredrivingthemquiteautomaticallytoinevitableinsurrection。

Theywouldariseandthecapitalistsystemwouldfleeandvanishlikethemistsbeforethemorning，likethedewsbeforethesunrise，givingplaceinthemostsimpleandobviousmannertoaneraofRightandJusticeandVirtueandWellBeing，andinshortaPerfectlySplendidTime。

IhadalreadydiscussedthissortofsocialismundertheguidanceofBritten，beforeIwentuptoCambridge。Itwasallmixedupwithideasaboutfreedomandnaturalvirtueandagreatscornforkings，titles，wealthandofficials，anditwassymbolisedbytheredtieswewore。Oursimpleverdictonexistingarrangementswasthattheywere"allwrong。"Therichwererobbersandknewit，kingsandprinceswereusurpersandknewit，religiousteacherswereimpostorsinleaguewithpower，theeconomicsystemwasanelaborateplotonthepartofthefewtoexpropriatethemany。Wewentaboutfeelingscornfulofallthecurrentformsoflife，formsthatesteemedthemselvessolid，thatwere，weknew，nomorethanshapespaintedonacurtainthatwaspresentlytobetornaside……

ItwasHatherleigh\'sposterandhiscapacityforoverstatingthings，Ithink，thatfirstqualifiedmysimplerevolutionaryenthusiasm。

PerhapsalsoIhadmetwithFabianpublications，butifIdidI

forgetthecircumstances。Andnodoubtmyinnateconstructivenesswithitspracticalcorollaryofananalyticaltreatmentofthematerialsupplied，wasboundtopushmeonbeyondthismelodramaticinterpretationofhumanaffairs。

IcomparedthatWorkingManoftheposterwithanysortofworkingmanIknew。Iperceivedthatthelatterwasnotgoingtochange，andindeedcouldnotunderanystimuluswhateverbeexpectedtochange，intotheformer。Itcreptintomymindasslowlyandsurelyasthedawncreepsintoaroomthattheformerwasnot，asIhadatfirstrathergliblyassumed，an"ideal，"butacompletemisrepresentationofthequalityandpossibilitiesofthings。

Idonotknownowwhetheritwasduringmyschool-daysoratCambridgethatIfirstbegannotmerelytoseetheworldasagreatcontrastofrichandpoor，buttofeelthemassiveeffectofthatmultitudinousmajorityofpeoplewhotoilcontinually，whoareforeveranxiousaboutwaysandmeans，whoarerestricted，illclothed，illfedandillhoused，whohavelimitedoutlooksandcontinuallysuffermisadventures，hardshipsanddistressesthroughthewantofmoney。Mylothadfallenuponthefringeofthepossessingminority；ifIdidnotknowthewantofnecessitiesIknewshabbiness，andtheworldthatletmegoontoauniversityeducationintimatedveryplainlythattherewasnotathingbeyondtheprimaryneedsthatmystimulatedimaginationmightdemandthatitwouldnotbeaneffortformetosecure。Acertainaggressiveradicalismagainsttherulingandpropertiedclassesfollowedalmostnaturallyfrommycircumstances。Itdidnotatfirstconnectitselfatallwiththeperceptionofaplanlessdisorderinhumanaffairsthathadbeenforceduponmebytheatmosphereofmyupbringing，nordiditlinkmeinsympathywithanyoftheprofounderrealitiesofpoverty。Itwasapersonalindependentthing。ThedingierpeopleonesawinthebackstreetsandlowerquartersofBromsteadandPenge，thedriftofdirtychildren，raggedoldwomen，streetloafers，grimyworkersthatmadethesocialbackgroundofLondon，thestoriesoneheardofprivationandsweating，onlyjoinedupveryslowlywiththegeneralpropositionsIwasmakingaboutlife。WecouldbecomesplendidlyeloquentaboutthesocialrevolutionandthetriumphoftheProletariataftertheClasswar，anditwasonlybyasortofinspirationthatitcametomethatmybedder，agarrulousoldthingwithadustyblackbonnetoveroneeyeandanostentatiouslycleanapronoutsidethedarkmysteriesthatclothedher，orthecheekylittleruffianswhoyelledpapersaboutthestreets，werereallymaterialtosuchquestions。

DirectlyanyofusyoungsocialistsofTrinityfoundourselvesinimmediatecontactwithservantsorcadgersorgypsorbeddersorplumbersornavviesorcabmenorrailwayporterswebecameunconsciouslyandunthinkinglyaristocrats。Ourvoicesaltered，ourgesturesaltered。Webehavedjustasalltheothermen，richorpoor，swattersorsportsmenorPinkyDinkys，behaved，andexactlyaswewereexpectedtobehave。OnthewholeitisapopulationofpoorqualityroundaboutCambridge，ratherstuntedandspiritlessandverydifficulttoidealise。ThattheoreticalWorkingManofours！——

ifwefelttheclashatallweexplainedit，Isuppose，byassumingthathecamefromanotherpartofthecountry；Esmeer，Iremember，wholivedsomewhereintheFens，wasveryeloquentabouttheCornishfishermen，andHatherleigh，whowasaHampshireman，assuredusweoughttoknowtheScottishminer。MyprivatefancywasfortheLancashireoperativebecauseofhisco-operativesocieties，andbecausewhatLancashirethinksto-dayEnglandthinksto-morrow……

AndalsoIhadneverbeeninLancashire。

Bylittleincrementsofrealisationitwasthattheprofounderveritiesoftheproblemofsocialismcametome。IthelpedmeverymuchthatIhadtogodowntothePotteriesseveraltimestodiscussmyfuturewithmyuncleandguardian；IwalkedaboutandsawBursleyWakesandmuchofthehumanaspectsoforganisedindustrialismatclosequartersforthefirsttime。ThepictureofasplendidWorkingMancheatedoutofhisinnategloriouspossibilities，andpresentlytoariseanddashthisscoundrellyandscandaloussystemofprivateownershiptofragments，begantogiveplacetoalimitlessspectacleofinefficiency，toaconceptionofmillionsofpeoplenotorganisedastheyshouldbe，noteducatedastheyshouldbe，notsimplypreventedfrombutincapableofnearlyeverysortofbeauty，mostlykindlyandwellmeaning，mostlyincompetent，mostlyobstinate，andeasilyhumbuggedandeasilydiverted。EventhetragicandinspiringideaofMarx，thatthepoorwerenearingalimitofpainfulexperience，andawakeningtoasenseofintolerablewrongs，begantodevelopintothemoreappallingconceptionthatthepoorweresimplyinawitlessuncomfortableinconclusiveway——

"muddlingalong"；thattheywantednothingverydefinitelynorveryurgently，thatmeanfearsenslavedthemandmeansatisfactionsdecoyedthem，thattheytooktheverygiftoflifeitselfwithaspiritlesslassitude，hoardingit，beingratheranxiousnottoloseitthantouseitinanywaywhatever。

Thecompletedevelopmentofthatrealisationwastheworkofmanyyears。IhadonlythefirstintimationsatCambridge。ButIdidhaveintimations。MostacutelydoIrememberthedoubtsthatfollowedthevisitofChrisRobinson。ChrisRobinsonwasheraldedbysuchheroicanticipations，andhewassoentirelywhatwehadnotanticipated。

Hatherleighgothimtocome，arrangedasortofmeetingforhimatRedmayne\'sroomsinKing\'s，andwasveryproudandproprietorial。

ItfailedtostirCambridgeatallprofoundly。BeyondafutileattempttoscrewupHatherleighmadebysomeinexpertdufferswhousednailsinsteadofscrewsandgimlets，therewasnoattempttorag。NextdayChrisRobinsonwentandspokeatBennettHallinNewnhamCollege，andleftCambridgeintheeveningamidstthecheersoftwentymenorso。Socialismwasatsuchalowebbpoliticallyinthosedaysthatitdidn\'tevenrousementoopposition。

AndtheresatChrisunderthatflamboyantandheroicWorkeroftheposter，alittlewrinkledgrey-beardedapologeticmaninready-madeclothes，withwatchfulinnocentbrowneyesandapersistentandinvincibleairofbeingoutofhiselement。Hesatwithhisstoutbootstuckedupunderhischair，andclungtoateacupandsaucerandlookedawayfromusintothefire，andweallsataboutontablesandchair-armsandwindowsillsandboxesandanywhereexceptuponchairsafterthemannerofyoungmen。Theonlyotherchairwhoseseatwasoccupiedwastheonecontaininghisknittedwoollencomforterandhispicturesqueoldbeach-photographer\'shat。Wewereallshyanddidn\'tknowhowtotakeholdofhimnowwehadgothim，and，whichwasdisconcertinglyunanticipated，hewasmanifestlyhavingthesamedifficultywithus。Wehadexpectedtobegripped。

"I\'llnotbeknowingwhattosaytotheseChaps，"herepeatedwithanorth-countryqualityinhisspeech。

Wemadereassuringnoises。

TheAmbassadoroftheWorkersstirredhisteaearnestlythroughanuncomfortablepause。

"I\'dbesttell\'emsomethingofhowthingsareinLancashire，whatwiththenewmachinesandallthat，"hespeculatedatlastwithredreflectionsinhisthoughtfuleyes。

Wehadaninexcusabledreadthatperhapshewouldmakeamessofthemeeting。

Butwhenhewasnolongerintheunaccustomedmeshesofrefinedconversation，butspeakingwithanaudiencebeforehim，hebecameadifferentman。Hedeclaredhewouldexplaintousjustexactlywhatsocialismwas，andwentonatoncetoanimpassionedcontrastofsocialconditions。"Youyoungmen，"hesaid"comefromhomesofluxury；everyneedyoufeelissupplied——"

Wesatandstoodandsprawledabouthim，occupyingeveryinchofRedmayne\'sfloorspaceexceptthehearthrug-platform，andwelistenedtohimandthoughthimover。Hewasthevoiceofwrongsthatmadeusindignantandeager。Weforgotforatimethathehadbeenshyandseemednotalittleincompetent，hisprovincialaccentbecameabeautyofhisearnestspeech，wewerecarriedawaybyhisindignations。Welookedwithshiningeyesatoneanotherandatthevariousdonswhohaddroppedinandwerestrivingtomaintainafrontofjudiciousseverity。Wefeltmoreandmorethatsocialinjusticemustcease，andceaseforthwith。Wefeltwecouldnotsleepuponit。Attheendweclappedandmurmuredourapplauseandwantedbadlytocheer。

Thenlikealancetstuckintoabladdercametheheckling。Denson，thatindolent，liberal-mindedsceptic，didmostofthequestioning。

Helaycontortedinachair，withhisuglyheadverylow，hislegscrossedandhisleftbootveryhigh，andhepointedhisremarkswithalongthinhandandoccasionallyadjustedtheunstableglassesthathidhiswateryeyes。"Idon\'twanttocarp，"hebegan。"Thepresentsystem，Iadmit，standscondemned。EverypresentsystemalwaysHASstoodcondemnedinthemindsofintelligentmen。Butwhereitseemstomeyougetthin，isjustwhereeverybodyhasbeenthin，andthat\'swhenyoucometotheremedy。"

"Socialism，"saidChrisRobinson，asifitansweredeverything，andHatherleighsaid"Hear！Hear！"veryresolutely。

"IsupposeIOUGHTtotakethatasananswer，"saidDenson，gettinghisshoulder-bladeswelldowntotheseatofhischair；"butI

don\'t。Idon\'t，youknow。It\'sratherashametocross-examineyouafterthisfineaddressofyours"——ChrisRobinsononthehearthrugmadeacquiescentandinvitingnoises——"buttherealquestionremainshowexactlyareyougoingtoendallthesewrongs？Therearetheadmimstrativequestions。Ifyouabolishtheprivateowner，Iadmityouabolishaverycomplexandclumsywayofgettingbusinessesrun，landcontrolledandthingsingeneraladministered，butyoudon\'tgetridoftheneedofadministration，youknow。"

"Democracy，"saidChrisRobinson。

"Organisedsomehow，"saidDenson。"Andit\'sjusttheHowperplexesme。Icanquiteeasilyimagineasocialiststateadministeredinasortofscramblingtumultthatwouldbeworsethananythingwehavegotnow。

"Nothingcouldbeworsethanthingsarenow，"saidChrisRobinson。

"Ihaveseenlittlechildren——"

"Isubmitlifeonanill-provisionedraft，forexample，couldeasilybeworse——orlifeinabeleaguredtown。"

Murmurs。

Theywrangledforsometime，andithadtheeffectuponmeofcomingoutfromtheglowofagoodmatineeperformanceintothecolddaylightoflateafternoon。ChrisRobinsondidnotshineinconflictwithDenson；hewasanoratorandnotadialectician，andhemissedDenson\'spointsanddisplayedadispositiontoplungeintountimelypathosandindignation。AndDensonhitmecuriouslyhardwithoneofhisshafts。"Suppose，"hesaid，"youfoundyourselfprimeminister——"

IlookedatChrisRobinson，bright-eyedandhishairalittleruffledandhiswholebeingrhetorical，andmeasuredhimagainstthehugemachineofgovernmentmuddledandmysterious。Oh！butIwasperplexed！

AndthenwetookhimbacktoHatherleigh\'sroomsanddrankbeerandsmokedabouthimwhilehenursedhiskneewithhairywristedhandsthatprotrudedfromhisflannelshirt，anddranklemonadeunderthecartoonofthatemancipatedWorker，andwehadagreatdiscursivetalkwithhim。

"Eh！youshouldseeourbigmeetingsupnorth？"hesaid。

Densonhadruffledhimandworriedhimagooddeal，andeverandagainhecamebacktothatdiscussion。"It\'sallveryeasyforyourlearnedmentositandpickholes，"hesaid，"whilethechildrensufferanddie。Theydon\'tpickholesupnorth。Theymeanbusiness。"

Hetalked，andthatwasthemostinterestingpartofitall，ofhisgoingtoworkinafactorywhenhewastwelve——"whenyouChapswereallwithyourmammies"——andhowhehadeducatedhimselfofnightsuntilhewouldfallasleepathisreading。

"It\'smademanyofuskeenforallourlives，"heremarked，"allthatclemmingforeducation。Why！IlongedallthroughonewintertoreadabitofDarwin。ImustknowaboutthisDarwinifIdieforit，Isaid。AndIcouldno\'getthebook。"

Hatherleighmadeanenthusiasticnoiseanddrankbeerathimwithroundeyesoverthemug。

"Well，anyhowIwastednotimeonGreekandLatin，"saidChrisRobinson。"Andonelearnstogostraightatathingwithoutsplittingstraws。OnegetsholdoftheElementals。"

(Well，didthey？Thatwasthegistofmyperplexity。)

"Onedoesn\'tquibble，"hesaid，returningtohisranklingmemoryofDenson，"whilemendecayandstarve。"

"Butsuppose，"Isaid，suddenlydroppingintoopposition，"thealternatveistoriskaworsedisaster——ordosomethingpatentlyfutile。"

"Idon\'tfollowthat，"saidChrisRobinson。"Wedon\'tproposeanythingfutile，sofarasIcansee。"

6

TheprevailingforceinmyundergraduatedayswasnotSocialismbutKiplingism。Oursetwasquiteexceptionalinitssocialisticprofessions。Andwewereall，youmustunderstand，verydistinctlyImperialistsalso，andprofessedavividsenseofthe"WhiteMan\'sBurden。"

Itisalittledifficultnowtogetbacktothefeelingsofthatperiod；Kiplinghassincebeensomercilesslyandexhaustivelymocked，criticisedandtorntoshreds；——neverwasamansoviolentlyexaltedandthen，himselfassisting，sorelentlesslycalleddown。

Butinthemiddleninetiesthisspectacledandmoustachedlittlefigurewithitsheavychinanditsgeneraleffectofvehementgesticulation，itswildshoutsofboyishenthusiasmforeffectiveforce，itslyricdelightinthesoundsandcolours，intheveryodoursofempire，itswonderfuldiscoveryofmachineryandcottonwasteandtheunderofficerandtheengineer，and"shop"asapoeticdialect，becamealmostanationalsymbol。Hegotholdofuswonderfully，hefilleduswithtinklingandhauntingquotations，hestirredBrittenandmyselftofutileimitations，hecolouredtheveryidiomofourconversation。Herosetohisclimaxwithhis"Recessional，"whileIwasstillanundergraduate。

Whatdidhegivemeexactly？