第7章

"Itisrathergalling，youknow，"headded，"whenagirlhasalotofthingsshewantstowritetoyouandcan\'tsendaletterexceptbysomeroundabout，underhandway。"

"Oneneverrealisesone\'sblessingswhileoneenjoysthem，"saidClovis；"nowIhavetospendaconsiderableamountofingenuityinventingexcusesfornothavingwrittentopeople。"

"It\'snotajokingmatter，"saidBertieresentfully："youwouldn\'tfinditfunnyifyourmotheropenedallyourletters。"

"Thefunnythingtomeisthatyoushouldletherdoit。"

"Ican\'tstopit。I\'vearguedaboutit——"

"Youhaven\'tusedtherightkindofargument，Iexpect。Now，ifeverytimeoneofyourletterswasopenedyoulayonyourbackonthedining-tableduringdinnerandhadafit，orrousedtheentirefamilyinthemiddleofthenighttohearyoureciteoneofBlake\'s\'PoemsofInnocence，\'youwouldgetafarmorerespectfulhearingforfutureprotests。Peopleyieldmoreconsiderationtoamutilatedmealtimeorabrokennight\'srest，thanevertheywouldtoabrokenheart。"

"Oh，dryup，"saidBertiecrossly，inconsistentlysplashingClovisfromheadtofootasheplungedintothewater。

Itwasadayortwoaftertheconversationintheswimming-baththataletteraddressedtoBertieHeasantslidintotheletter-boxathishome，andthenceintothehandsofhismother。Mrs。Heasantwasoneofthoseempty-mindedindividualstowhomotherpeople\'saffairsareperpetuallyinteresting。Themoreprivatetheyareintendedtobethemoreacuteistheinteresttheyarouse。Shewouldhaveopenedthisparticularletterinanycase；thefactthatitwasmarked"private，"anddiffusedadelicatebutpenetratingaromamerelycausedhertoopenitwithheadlonghasteratherthanmatter-of-

coursedeliberation。Theharvestofsensationthatrewardedherwasbeyondallexpectations。

"Bertie，carissimo，"itbegan，"Iwonderifyouwillhavethenervetodoit：itwilltakesomenerve，too。Don\'tforgetthejewels。

Theyareadetail，butdetailsinterestme。

"Yoursasever，Clotilde。"

"Yourmothermustnotknowofmyexistence。Ifquestionedswearyouneverheardofme。"

ForyearsMrs。HeasanthadsearchedBertie\'scorrespondencediligentlyfortracesofpossibledissipationoryouthfulentanglements，andatlastthesuspicionsthathadstimulatedherinquisitorialzealwerejustifiedbythisonesplendidhaul。Thatanyonewearingtheexoticname"Clotilde"shouldwritetoBertieundertheincriminatingannouncement"asever"wassufficientlyelectrifying，withouttheastoundingallusiontothejewels。Mrs。

Heasantcouldrecallnovelsanddramaswhereinjewelsplayedanexcitingandcommandingrole，andhere，underherownroof，beforeherveryeyesasitwere，herownsonwascarryingonanintrigueinwhichjewelsweremerelyaninterestingdetail。Bertiewasnotduehomeforanotherhour，buthissisterswereavailablefortheimmediateunburdeningofascandal-ladenmind。

"Bertieisinthetoilsofanadventuress，"shescreamed；"hernameisClotilde，"sheadded，asifshethoughttheyhadbetterknowtheworstatonce。Thereareoccasionswhenmoreharmthangoodisdonebyshieldingyounggirlsfromaknowledgeofthemoredeplorablerealitiesoflife。

BythetimeBertiearrivedhismotherhaddiscussedeverypossibleandimprobableconjectureastohisguiltysecret；thegirlslimitedthemselvestotheopinionthattheirbrotherhadbeenweakratherthanwicked。

"WhoisClotilde？"wasthequestionthatconfrontedBertiealmostbeforehehadgotintothehall。Hisdenialofanyknowledgeofsuchapersonwasmetwithanoutburstofbitterlaughter。

"Howwellyouhavelearnedyourlesson！"exclaimedMrs。Heasant。

ButsatiregavewaytofuriousindignationwhensherealisedthatBertiedidnotintendtothrowanyfurtherlightonherdiscovery。

"Youshan\'thaveanydinnertillyou\'veconfessedeverything，"shestormed。

Bertie\'sreplytooktheformofhastilycollectingmaterialforanimpromptubanquetfromthelarderandlockinghimselfintohisbedroom。Hismothermadefrequentvisitstothelockeddoorandshoutedasuccessionofinterrogationswiththepersistenceofonewhothinksthatifyouaskaquestionoftenenoughananswerwilleventuallyresult。Bertiedidnothingtoencouragethesupposition。

Anhourhadpassedinfruitlessone-sidedpalaverwhenanotherletteraddressedtoBertieandmarked"private"madeitsappearanceintheletter-box。Mrs。Heasantpouncedonitwiththeenthusiasmofacatthathasmisseditsmouseandtowhomasecondhasbeenunexpectedlyvouchsafed。Ifshehopedforfurtherdisclosuresassuredlyshewasnotdisappointed。

"Soyouhavereallydoneit！"theletterabruptlycommenced；"PoorDagmar。NowsheisdoneforIalmostpityher。Youdiditverywell，youwickedboy，theservantsallthinkitwassuicide，andtherewillbenofuss。Betternottouchthejewelstillaftertheinquest。

"Clotilde。"

AnythingthatMrs。Heasanthadpreviouslydoneinthewayofoutcrywaseasilysurpassedassheracedupstairsandbeatfranticallyatherson\'sdoor。

"Miserableboy，whathaveyoudonetoDagmar？"

"It\'sDagmarnow，isit？"hesnapped；"itwillbeGeraldinenext。"

"Thatitshouldcometothis，afterallmyeffortstokeepyouathomeofanevening，"sobbedMrs。Heasant；"it\'snouseyoutryingtohidethingsfromme；Clotilde\'sletterbetrayseverything。"

"Doesitbetraywhosheis？"askedBertie；"I\'veheardsomuchabouther，Ishouldliketoknowsomethingaboutherhome-life。

Seriously，ifyougoonlikethisIshallfetchadoctor；I\'veoftenenoughbeenpreachedataboutnothing，butI\'veneverhadanimaginaryharemdraggedintothediscussion。"

"Aretheselettersimaginary？"screamedMrs。Heasant；"whataboutthejewels，andDagmar，andthetheoryofsuicide？"

Nosolutionoftheseproblemswasforthcomingthroughthebedroomdoor，butthelastpostoftheeveningproducedanotherletterforBertie，anditscontentsbroughtMrs。Heasantthatenlightenmentwhichhadalreadydawnedonherson。

"DearBertie，"itran；"IhopeIhaven\'tdistractedyourbrainwiththespooflettersI\'vebeensendinginthenameofafictitiousClotilde。Youtoldmetheotherdaythattheservants，orsomebodyatyourhome，tamperedwithyourletters，soIthoughtIwouldgiveanyonethatopenedthemsomethingexcitingtoread。Theshockmightdothemgood。

"Yours，"ClovisSangrail。"

Mrs。HeasantknewClovisslightly，andwasratherafraidofhim。Itwasnotdifficulttoreadbetweenthelinesofhissuccessfulhoax。

InachastenedmoodsherappedoncemoreatBertie\'sdoor。

"AletterfromMr。Sangrail。It\'sallbeenastupidhoax。Hewrotethoseotherletters。Why，whereareyougoing？"

Bertiehadopenedthedoor；hehadonhishatandovercoat。

"I\'mgoingforadoctortocomeandseeifanything\'sthematterwithyou。Ofcourseitwasallahoax，butnopersoninhisrightmindcouldhavebelievedallthatrubbishaboutmurderandsuicideandjewels。You\'vebeenmakingenoughnoisetobringthehousedownforthelasthourortwo。"

"ButwhatwasItothinkofthoseletters？"whimperedMrs。Heasant。

"Ishouldhaveknownwhattothinkofthem，"saidBertie；"ifyouchoosetoexciteyourselfoverotherpeople\'scorrespondenceit\'syourownfault。Anyhow，I\'mgoingforadoctor。"

ItwasBertie\'sgreatopportunity，andheknewit。Hismotherwasconsciousofthefactthatshewouldlookratherridiculousifthestorygotabout。Shewaswillingtopayhush-money。

"I\'llneveropenyourlettersagain，"shepromised。AndClovishasnomoredevotedslavethanBertieHeasant。

THESEVENCREAMJUGS

"IsupposeweshallneverseeWilfredPigeoncoteherenowthathehasbecomeheirtothebaronetcyandtoalotofmoney，"observedMrs。PeterPigeoncoteregretfullytoherhusband。

"Well，wecanhardlyexpectto，"hereplied，"seeingthatwealwayschokedhimofffromcomingtoseeuswhenhewasaprospectivenobody。Idon\'tthinkI\'veseteyesonhimsincehewasaboyoftwelve。"

"Therewasareasonfornotwantingtoencouragehisacquaintanceship，"saidMrs。Peter。"Withthatnotoriousfailingofhishewasnotthesortofpersononewantedinone\'shouse。"

"Well，thefailingstillexists，doesn\'tit？"saidherhusband；"ordoyousupposeareformofcharacterisentailedalongwiththeestate？"

"Oh，ofcourse，thereisstillthatdrawback，"admittedthewife，"butonewouldliketomaketheacquaintanceofthefutureheadofthefamily，ifonlyoutofmerecuriosity。Besides，cynicismapart，hisbeingrichwillmakeadifferenceinthewaypeoplewilllookathisfailing。Whenamanisabsolutelywealthy，notmerelywell-to-

do，allsuspicionofsordidmotivenaturallydisappears；thethingbecomesmerelyatiresomemalady。"

WilfridPigeoncotehadsuddenlybecomeheirtohisuncle，SirWilfridPigeoncote，onthedeathofhiscousin，MajorWilfridPigeoncote，whohadsuccumbedtotheafter-effectsofapoloaccident。（AWilfridPigeoncotehadcoveredhimselfwithhonoursinthecourseofMarlborough\'scampaigns，andthenameWilfridhadbeenabaptismalweaknessinthefamilyeversince。）Thenewheirtothefamilydignityandestateswasayoungmanofaboutfive-and-twenty，whowasknownmorebyreputationthanbypersontoawidecircleofcousinsandkinsfolk。Andthereputationwasanunpleasantone。

ThenumerousotherWilfridsinthefamilyweredistinguishedonefromanotherchieflybythenamesoftheirresidencesorprofessions，asWilfridofHubbledown，andyoungWilfridtheGunner，butthisparticularscionwasknownbytheignominiousandexpressivelabelofWilfridtheSnatcher。Fromhislateschooldaysonwardhehadbeenpossessedbyanacuteandobstinateformofkleptomania；hehadtheacquisitiveinstinctofthecollectorwithoutanyofthecollector\'sdiscrimination。Anythingthatwassmallerandmoreportablethanasideboard，andabovethevalueofninepence，hadanirresistibleattractionforhim，providedthatitfulfilledthenecessaryconditionofbelongingtosomeoneelse。Ontherareoccasionswhenhewasincludedinacountry-houseparty，itwasusualandalmostnecessaryforhishost，orsomememberofthefamily，tomakeafriendlyinquisitionthroughhisbaggageontheeveofhisdeparture，toseeifhehadpackedup"bymistake"anyoneelse\'sproperty。Thesearchusuallyproducedalargeandvariedyield。

"Thisisfunny，"saidPeterPigeoncotetohiswife，somehalf-houraftertheirconversation；"here\'satelegramfromWilfrid，sayinghe\'spassingthroughhereinhismotor，andwouldliketostopandpayushisrespects。Canstayforthenightifitdoesn\'tinconvenienceus。Signed\'WilfridPigeoncote。\'MustbetheSnatcher；noneoftheothershaveamotor。Isupposehe\'sbringingusapresentforthesilverwedding。"

"Goodgracious！"saidMrs。Peter，asathoughtstruckher；"thisisratheranawkwardtimetohaveapersonwithhisfailinginthehouse。Allthosesilverpresentssetoutinthedrawing-room，andotherscomingbyeverypost；Ihardlyknowwhatwe\'vegotandwhatarestilltocome。Wecan\'tlockthemallup；he\'ssuretowanttoseethem。"

"Wemustkeepasharplook-out，that\'sall，"saidPeterreassuringly。

"Butthesepractisedkleptomaniacsaresoclever，"saidhiswife，apprehensively，"anditwillbesoawkwardifhesuspectsthatwearewatchinghim。"

Awkwardnesswasindeedtheprevailingnotethateveningwhenthepassingtravellerwasbeingentertained。Thetalkflittednervouslyandhurriedlyfromoneimpersonaltopictoanother。Theguesthadnoneofthefurtive，half-apologeticairthathiscousinshadratherexpectedtofind；hewaspolite，well-assured，and，perhaps，justalittleinclinedto"putonside"。Hishosts，ontheotherhand，woreanuneasymannerthatmighthavebeenthehallmarkofconsciousdepravity。Inthedrawing-room，afterdinner，theirnervousnessandawkwardnessincreased。

"Oh，wehaven\'tshownyouthesilver-weddingpresents，"saidMrs。

Peter，suddenly，asthoughstruckbyabrilliantideaforentertainingtheguest；"heretheyallare。Suchnice，usefulgifts。Afewduplicates，ofcourse。"

"Sevencreamjugs，"putinPeter。

"Yes，isn\'titannoying，"wentonMrs。Peter；"sevenofthem。Wefeelthatwemustliveoncreamfortherestofourlives。Ofcourse，someofthemcanbechanged。"

Wilfridoccupiedhimselfchieflywithsuchofthegiftsaswereofantiqueinterest，carryingoneortwoofthemovertothelamptoexaminetheirmarks。Theanxietyofhishostsatthesemomentsresembledthesolicitudeofacatwhosenewlybornkittensarebeinghandedroundforinspection。

"Letmesee；didyougivemebackthemustard-pot？Thisisitsplacehere，"pipedMrs。Peter。

"Sorry。Iputitdownbytheclaret-jug，"saidWilfrid，busywithanotherobject。

"Oh，justletmehavethesugar-sifteragain，"askedMrs。Peter，doggeddeterminationshowingthroughhernervousness；"ImustlabelitwhoitcomesfrombeforeIforget。"

Vigilancewasnotcompletelycrownedwithasenseofvictory。Aftertheyhadsaid"Good-night"totheirvisitor，Mrs。Peterexpressedherconvictionthathehadtakensomething。

"Ifancy，byhismanner，thattherewassomethingup，"corroboratedherhusband；"doyoumissanything？"

Mrs。Petershastilycountedthearrayofgifts。

"Icanonlymakeitthirty-four，andIthinkitshouldbethirty-

five，"sheannounced；"Ican\'trememberifthirty-fiveincludestheArchdeacon\'scruet-standthathasn\'tarrivedyet。"

"Howoneartharewetoknow？"saidPeter。"Themeanpighasn\'tbroughtusapresent，andI\'mhangedifheshallcarryoneoff。"

"To-morrow，when\'shehavinghisbath，"saidMrs。Peterexcitedly，"he\'ssuretoleavehiskeyssomewhere，andwecangothroughhisportmanteau。It\'stheonlythingtodo。"

Onthemorrowanalertwatchwaskeptbytheconspiratorsbehindhalf-closeddoors，andwhenWilfrid，cladinagorgeousbath-robe，hadmadehiswaytothebath-room，therewasaswiftandfurtiverushbytwoexcitedindividualstowardstheprincipalguest-chamber。

Mrs。Peterkeptguardoutside，whileherhusbandfirstmadeahurriedandsuccessfulsearchforthekeys，andthenplungedattheportmanteauwiththeairofadisagreeablyconscientiousCustomsofficial。Thequestwasabriefone；asilvercreamjuglayembeddedinthefoldsofsomezephyrshirts。

"Thecunningbrute，"saidMrs。Peters；"hetookacreamjugbecausethereweresomany；hethoughtonewouldn\'tbemissed。Quick，flydownwithitandputitbackamongtheothers。"

Wilfridwaslateincomingdowntobreakfast，andhismannershowedplainlythatsomethingwasamiss。

"It\'sanunpleasantthingtohavetosay，"heblurtedoutpresently，"butI\'mafraidyoumusthaveathiefamongyourservants。

Something\'sbeentakenoutofmyportmanteau。Itwasalittlepresentfrommymotherandmyselfforyoursilverwedding。Ishouldhavegivenittoyoulastnightafterdinner，onlyithappenedtobeacreamjug，andyouseemedannoyedathavingsomanyduplicates，soIfeltratherawkwardaboutgivingyouanother。IthoughtI\'dgetitchangedforsomethingelse，andnowit\'sgone。"

"DidyousayitwasfromyourMOTHERandyourself？"askedMr。andMrs。Peteralmostinunison。TheSnatcherhadbeenanorphanthesemanyyears。

"Yes，mymother\'satCairojustnow，andshewrotetomeatDresdentotryandgetyousomethingquaintandprettyintheoldsilverline，andIpitchedonthiscreamjug。"

BoththePigeoncoteshadturneddeadlypale。ThementionofDresdenhadthrownasuddenlightonthesituation。ItwasWilfridtheAttache，averysuperioryoungman，whorarelycamewithintheirsocialhorizon，whomtheyhadbeenentertainingunawaresinthesupposedcharacterofWilfridtheSnatcher。LadyErnestinePigeoncote，hismother，movedincircleswhichwereentirelybeyondtheircompassorambitions，andthesonwouldprobablyonedaybeanAmbassador。Andtheyhadrifledanddespoiledhisportmanteau！

Husbandandwifelookedblanklyanddesperatelyatoneanother。ItwasMrs。Peterwhoarrivedfirstataninspiration。

"Howdreadfultothinktherearethievesinthehouse！Wekeepthedrawing-roomlockedupatnight，ofcourse，butanythingmightbecarriedoffwhileweareatbreakfast。"

Sheroseandwentouthurriedly，asthoughtoassureherselfthatthedrawing-roomwasnotbeingstrippedofitssilverware，andreturnedamomentlater，bearingacreamjuginherhands。

"Thereareeightcreamjugsnow，insteadofseven，"shecried；"thisonewasn\'ttherebefore。Whatacurioustrickofmemory，Mr。

Wilfrid！Youmusthaveslippeddownstairswithitlastnightandputittherebeforewelockedup，andforgottenallabouthavingdoneitinthemorning。"

"One\'smindoftenplaysonelittletrickslikethat，"saidMr。

Peter，withdesperateheartiness。"OnlytheotherdayIwentintothetowntopayabill，andwentinagainnextday，havingcleanforgottenthatI\'d——"

"ItiscertainlythejugIboughtforyou，"saidWilfrid，lookingcloselyatit；"itwasinmyportmanteauwhenIgotmybath-robeoutthismorning，beforegoingtomybath，anditwasnottherewhenI

unlockedtheportmanteauonmyreturn。SomeonehadtakenitwhileIwasawayfromtheroom。"

ThePigeoncoteshadturnedpalerthanever。Mrs。Peterhadafinalinspiration。

"Getmemysmelling-salts，dear，"shesaidtoherhusband；"Ithinkthey\'reinthedressing-room。"

Peterdashedoutoftheroomwithgladrelief；hehadlivedsolongduringthelastfewminutesthatagoldenweddingseemedwithinmeasurabledistance。

Mrs。Peterturnedtoherguestwithconfidentialcoyness。

"Adiplomatlikeyouwillknowhowtotreatthisasifithadn\'thappened。Peter\'slittleweakness；itrunsinthefamily。"

"GoodLord！Doyoumeantosayhe\'sakleptomaniac，likeCousinSnatcher？"

"Oh，notexactly，"saidMrs。Peter，anxioustowhitewashherhusbandalittlegreyerthanshewaspaintinghim。"Hewouldnevertouchanythinghefoundlyingabout，buthecan\'tresistmakingaraidonthingsthatarelockedup。Thedoctorshaveaspecialnameforit。

Hemusthavepouncedonyourportmanteauthemomentyouwenttoyourbath，andtakenthefirstthinghecameacross。Ofcourse，hehadnomotivefortakingacreamjug；we\'vealreadygotseven，asyouknow——not，ofcourse，thatwedon\'tvaluethekindofgiftyouandyourmother——hushhere\'sPetercoming。"

Mrs。Peterbrokeoffinsomeconfusion，andtrippedouttomeetherhusbandinthehall。

"It\'sallright，"shewhisperedtohim；"I\'veexplainedeverything。

Don\'tsayanythingmoreaboutit。"

"Bravelittlewoman，"saidPeter，withagaspofrelief；"Icouldneverhavedoneit。"

***

Diplomaticreticencedoesnotnecessarilyextendtofamilyaffairs。

PeterPigeoncotewasneverabletounderstandwhyMrs。ConsuelovanBullyon，whostayedwiththeminthespring，alwayscarriedtwoveryobviousjewel-caseswithhertothebath-room，explainingthemtoanyoneshechancedtomeetinthecorridorashermanicureandface-massageset。

THEOCCASIONALGARDEN

"Don\'ttalktomeabouttowngardens，"saidElinorRapsley；"whichmeans，ofcourse，thatIwantyoutolistentomeforanhourorsowhileItalkaboutnothingelse。\'Whatanice-sizedgardenyou\'vegot，\'peoplesaidtouswhenwefirstmovedhere。WhatIsupposetheymeanttosaywaswhatanice-sizedsiteforagardenwe\'dgot。

Asamatteroffact，thesizeisallagainstit；it\'stoolargetobeignoredaltogetherandtreatedasayard，andit\'stoosmalltokeepgiraffesin。Yousee，ifwecouldkeepgiraffesorreindeerorsomeotherspeciesofbrowsinganimaltherewecouldexplainthegeneralabsenceofvegetationbyareferencetothefaunaofthegarden：\'Youcan\'thavewapitiANDDarwintulips，youknow，sowedidn\'tputdownanybulbslastyear。\'Asitis，wehaven\'tgotthewapiti，andtheDarwintulipshaven\'tsurvivedthefactthatmostofthecatsoftheneighbourhoodholdaparliamentinthecentreofthetulipbed；thatratherforlornlookingstripthatweintendedtobeaborderofalternatinggeraniumandspiraeahasbeenutilisedbythecat-parliamentasadivisionlobby。Snapdivisionsseemtohavebeenratherfrequentoflate，farmorefrequentthanthegeraniumbloomsarelikelytobe。Ishouldn\'tobjectsomuchtoordinarycats，butIdocomplainofhavingacongressofvegetariancatsinmygarden；theymustbevegetarians，mydear，because，whateverravagestheymaycommitamongthesweetpeaseedlings，theyneverseemtotouchthesparrows；therearealwaysjustasmanyadultsparrowsinthegardenonSaturdayastherewereonMonday，nottomentionnewly-fledgedadditions。ThereseemstohavebeenanirreconcilabledifferenceofopinionbetweensparrowsandProvidencesincethebeginningoftimeastowhetheracrocuslooksbeststandinguprightwithitsrootsintheearthorinarecumbentposturewithitsstemneatlysevered；thesparrowsalwayshavethelastwordinthematter，atleastinourgardentheydo。IfancythatProvidencemusthaveoriginallyintendedtobringinanamendingAct，orwhateverit\'scalled，providingeitherforalessdestructivesparroworamoreindestructiblecrocus。Theoneconsolingpointaboutourgardenisthatit\'snotvisiblefromthedrawing-roomorthesmoking-room，sounlesspeoplearedinningorlunchingwithustheycan\'tspyoutthenakednessoftheland。ThatiswhyIamsofuriouswithGwendaPottingdon，whohaspracticallyforcedherselfonmeforlunchonWednesdaynext；sheheardmeofferthePaulcotegirllunchifshewasupshoppingonthatday，and，ofcourse，sheaskedifshemightcometoo。Sheisonlycomingtogloatovermybedraggledandflowerlessbordersandtosingthepraisesofherowndetestablyover-cultivatedgarden。I\'msickofbeingtoldthatit\'stheenvyoftheneighbourhood；it\'slikeeverythingelsethatbelongstoher——hercar，herdinner-parties，evenherheadaches，theyareallsuperlative；nooneelseeverhadanythinglikethem。Whenhereldestchildwasconfirmeditwassuchasensationalevent，accordingtoheraccountofit，thatonealmostexpectedquestionstobeaskedaboutitintheHouseofCommons，andnowshe\'scomingonpurposetostareatmyfewmiserablepansiesandthegapsinmysweet-peaborder，andtogivemeaglowing，full-

lengthdescriptionoftherareandsumptuousbloomsinherrose-

garden。"

"MydearElinor，"saidtheBaroness，"youwouldsaveyourselfallthisheart-burningandalotofgardener\'sbills，nottomentionsparrowanxieties，simplybypayinganannualsubscriptiontotheO。O。S。A。"

"Neverheardofit，"saidElinor；"whatisit？"

"TheOccasional-OasisSupplyAssociation，"saidtheBaroness；"itexiststomeetcasesexactlylikeyours，casesofbackyardsthatareofnopracticaluseforgardeningpurposes，butarerequiredtoblossomintodecorativescenicbackgroundsatstatedintervals，whenaluncheonordinner-partyiscontemplated。Supposing，forinstance，youhavepeoplecomingtolunchatone-thirty；youjustringuptheAssociationataboutteno\'clockthesamemorning，andsay\'lunchgarden\'。Thatisallthetroubleyouhavetotake。Bytwelveforty-fiveyouryardiscarpetedwithastripofvelvetyturf，withahedgeoflilacorredmay，orwhateverhappenstobeinseason，asabackground，oneortwocherrytreesinblossom，andclumpsofheavily-floweredrhododendronsfillingintheoddcorners；

intheforegroundyouhaveablazeofcarnationsorShirleypoppies，ortigerliliesinfullbloom。Assoonasthelunchisoverandyourguestshavedepartedthegardendepartsalso，andallthecatsinChristendomcansitincouncilinyouryardwithoutcausingyouamoment\'sanxiety。Ifyouhaveabishoporanantiquaryorsomethingofthatsortcomingtolunchyoujustmentionthefactwhenyouareorderingthegarden，andyougetanold-worldpleasaunce，withclippedyewhedgesandasun-dialandhollyhocks，andperhapsamulberrytree，andbordersofsweet-williamsandCanterburybells，andanold-fashionedbeehiveortwotuckedawayinacorner。ThosearetheordinarylinesofsupplythattheOasisAssociationundertakes，butbypayingafewguineasayearextrayouareentitledtoitsemergencyE。O。N。service。"

"WhatonearthisanE。O。N。service？"

"It\'sjustaconventionalsignaltoindicatespecialcasesliketheincursionofGwendaPottingdon。Itmeansyou\'vegotsomeonecomingtolunchordinnerwhosegardenisallegedtobe\'theenvyoftheneighbourhood。\'"

"Yes，"exclaimedElinor，withsomeexcitement，"andwhathappensthen？"

"SomethingthatsoundslikeamiracleoutoftheArabianNights。

Yourbackyardbecomesvoluptuouswithpomegranateandalmondtrees，lemongroves，andhedgesoffloweringcactus，dazzlingbanksofazaleas，marble-basinedfountains，inwhichchestnut-and-whitepond-

heronsstepdaintilyamidexoticwater-lilies，whilegoldenpheasantsstrutaboutonalabasterterraces。ThewholeeffectrathersuggeststheideathatProvidenceandNormanWilkinsonhavedroppedmutualjealousiesandcollaboratedtoproduceabackgroundforanopen-airRussianBallet；inpointoffact，itismerelythebackgroundtoyourluncheonparty。IfthereisanykickleftinGwendaPottingdon，orwhoeveryourE。O。N。guestofthemomentmaybe，justmentioncarelesslythatyourclimbingputellaistheonlyoneinEngland，sincetheoneatChatsworthdiedlastwinter。Thereisn\'tsuchathingasaclimbingputella，butGwendaPottingdonandherkinddon\'tusuallyknowoneflowerfromanotherwithoutprompting。"

"Quick，"saidElinor，"theaddressoftheAssociation。"

GwendaPottingdondidnotenjoyherlunch。Itwasasimpleyetelegantmeal，excellentlycookedanddaintilyserved，butthepiquantsauceofherownconversationwasnotablylacking。Shehadpreparedalongsuccessionofeulogisticcommentsonthewondersofhertowngarden，withitsunrivalledeffectsofhorticulturalmagnificence，and，behold，herthemewasshutinoneverysidebytheluxurianthedgeofSiberianberberisthatformedaglowingbackgroundtoElinor\'sbewilderingfragmentoffairyland。Thepomegranateandlemontrees，theterracedfountain，wheregoldencarpslitheredandwriggledamidtherootsofgorgeous-huedirises，thebankedmassesofexoticblooms，thepagoda-likeenclosure，whereJapanesesand-badgersdisportedthemselves，allthesecontributedtotakeawayGwenda\'sappetiteandmoderateherdesiretotalkaboutgardeningmatters。

"Ican\'tsayIadmiretheclimbingputella，"sheobservedshortly，"andanywayit\'snottheonlyoneofitskindinEngland；IhappentoknowofoneinHampshire。Howgardeningisgoingoutoffashion；

Isupposepeoplehaven\'tthetimeforitnowadays。"

AltogetheritwasquiteoneofElinor\'smostsuccessfulluncheonparties。

ItwasdistinctlyanunforeseencatastrophethatGwendashouldhaveburstinonthehouseholdfourdayslateratlunch-timeandmadeherwayunbiddenintothedining-room。

"IthoughtImusttellyouthatmyElainehashadawater-coloursketchacceptedbytheLatentTalentArtGuild；it\'stobeexhibitedattheirsummerexhibitionattheHackneyGallery。Itwillbethesensationofthemomentintheartworld——Hullo，whatonearthhashappenedtoyourgarden？It\'snotthere！"

"Suffragettes，"saidElinorpromptly；"didn\'tyouhearaboutit？

Theybrokeinandmadehayofthewholethinginabouttenminutes。

Iwassoheart-brokenatthehavocthatIhadthewholeplaceclearedout；Ishallhaveitlaidoutagainonrathermoreelaboratelines。"

"That，"shesaidtotheBaronessafterwards"iswhatIcallhavinganemergencybrain。"

THESHEEP

Theenemyhaddeclared"notrumps。"Rupertplayedouthisaceandkingofclubsandclearedtheadversaryofthatsuit；thentheSheep，whomtheFateshadinflictedonhimforapartner，tookthethirdroundwiththequeenofclubs，and，havingnootherclubtoleadback，openedanothersuit。Theenemywontheremainderofthetricks——andtherubber。

"Ihadfourmoreclubstoplay；weonlywantedtheoddtricktowintherubber，"saidRupert。

"ButIhadn\'tanotherclubtoleadyou，"exclaimedtheSheep，withhisready，defensivesmile。

"Itdidn\'toccurtoyoutothrowyourqueenawayonmykingandleavemewiththecommandofthesuit，"saidRupert，withpolitebitterness。

"IsupposeIoughttohave——Iwasn\'tcertainwhattodo。I\'mawfullysorry，"saidtheSheep。

Beingawfullyanduselesslysorryformedalargepartofhisoccupationinlife。Ifasimilarsituationhadariseninasubsequenthandhewouldhaveblunderedjustascertainly，andhewouldhavebeenjustasirritatinglyapologetic。

Rupertstaredgloomilyacrossathimashesatsmilingandfumblingwithhiscards。Manymenwhohavegoodbrainsforbusinessdonotpossesstherudimentsofacard-brain，andRupertwouldnothavejudgedandcondemnedhisprospectivebrother-in-lawontheevidenceofhisbridgeplayalone。Thetragicpartofitwasthathesmiledandfumbledthroughlifejustasfatuouslyandapologeticallyashedidatthecard-table。Andbehindthedefensivesmileandthewell-

wornexpressionsofregretthereshoneascarcelybelievablebutquiteobviousself-satisfaction。Everysheepofthepastureprobablyimaginesthatinanemergencyitcouldbecometerribleasanarmywithbanners——onehasonlytowatchhowtheystamptheirfeetandstiffentheirneckswhenaminorobjectofsuspicioncomesintoviewandbehavesmeekly。Andprobablythemajorityofhumansheepseethemselvesinimaginationtakinggreatpartsintheworld\'smoreimpressivedramas，formingswift，unerringdecisionsinmomentsofcrisis，cowingmutinies，allayingpanics，brave，strong，simple，but，inspiteoftheirnaturalmodesty，alwaysslightlyspectacular。

"WhyinthenameofallthatisunnecessaryandperverseshouldKathleenchoosethismanforherfuturehusband？"wasthequestionthatRupertaskedhimselfruefully。TherewasyoungMalcolmAthling，asnice-looking，decent，level-headedafellowasanyonecouldwishtomeet，obviouslyherverydevotedadmirer，andyetshemustthrowherselfawayonthispale-eyed，weak-mouthedembodimentofself-approvingineptitude。IfithadbeenmerelyKathleen\'sownaffairRupertwouldhaveshruggedhisshouldersandphilosophicallyhopedthatshemightmakethebestofanundeniablybadbargain。

ButRuperthadnoheir；hisownboylayundergroundsomewhereontheIndianfrontier，ingoodlycompany。AndthepropertywouldpassinduecursetoKathleenandKathleen\'shusband。TheSheepwouldlivethereinthebelovedoldhome，rearingupotherlittleSheep，fatuousandrabbit-facedandself-satisfiedlikehimself，todwellinthelandandpossessit。Itwasnotasoothingprospect。

TowardsduskontheafternoonfollowingthebridgeexperienceRupertandtheSheepmadetheirwayhomewardafteraday\'smixedshooting。

TheSheep\'scartridgebagwasnearlyempty，buthisgamebagshowednosignsofover-crowding。Thebirdshehadshotathadseemedforthemostpartasimpervioustodeathordamageastheheroofamelodrama。Andforeachfailuretodrophisbirdhehadsomeexplanationorapologyreadyonhislips。Nowhewasstridingalonginfrontofhishost，chatteringhappilyoverhisshoulder，butobviouslyonthelook-outforsomebelatedrabbitorwoodpigeonthatmighthaplybesecuredasaneleventh-houradditiontohisbag。Astheypassedtheedgeofasmallcopsealargebirdrosefromthegroundandflewslowlytowardsthetrees，offeringaneasyshottotheoncomingsportsmen。TheSheepbangedforthwithbothbarrels，andgaveanexultantcry。

"Horray！I\'veshotathunderingbighawk！"

"Tobeexact，you\'veshotahoney-buzzard。Thatisthehenbirdofoneofthefewpairsofhoney-buzzardsbreedingintheUnitedKingdom。We\'vekeptthemunderthestrictestpreservationforthelastfouryears；everygame-keeperandvillagegunloaferfortwentymilesroundhasbeenwarnedandbribedandthreatenedtorespecttheirsanctity，andegg-snatchingagentshavebeencarefullyguardedagainstduringthebreedingseason。Hundredsofloversofrarebirdshavedelightedinseeingtheirsnap-shottedportraitsinCountryLife，andnowyou\'vereducedthehenbirdtoalumpofbrokenfeathers。"

Rupertspokequietlyandevenly，butforamomentortwoagleamofpositivehatredshoneinhiseyes。

"Isay，I\'msosorry，"saidtheSheep，withhisapologeticsmile。

"OfcourseIrememberhearingaboutthebuzzards，butsomehowI

didn\'tconnectthisbirdwiththem。Anditwassuchaneastshot——"

"Yes，"saidRupert；"thatwasthetrouble。"

Kathleenfoundhiminthegun-roomsmoothingoutthefeathersofthedeadbird。Shehadalreadybeentoldofthecatastrophe。

"Whatahorridmisfortune，"shesaidsympathetically。

"ItwasmydearRobbiewhofirstdiscoveredthem，thelasttimehewashomeonleave。Don\'tyourememberhowexcitedhewasaboutthem？Let\'sgoandhavesometea。"

Bothbridgeandshootingweregivenarestforthenexttwoorthreeweeks。Death，whoentersintonocompactswithpartywhips，hadforcedaParliamentaryvacancyontheneighbourhoodattheleastconvenientseason，andthelocalpartisansoneithersidefoundthemselvesimmersedinthediscomfortsofamid-winterelection。

Ruperttookhispoliticsseriouslyandkeenly。Hebelongedtothattypeofstrangelybutratherhappilyconstitutedindividualswhichtheseislandsseemtoproduceinafairplenty；menandwomenwhofornopersonalprofitorgaingoforthfromtheircomfortablefiresidesorclubcard-roomstohunttoandfrointhemudandrainandwindforthecaptureortrackingofastrayvotehereandthereontheirparty\'sbehalf——notbecausetheythinktheyoughtto，butbecausetheywantto。Andhisenergieswerewelcomeenoughonthisoccasion，fortheseatwasacloselydisputedpossession，anditslossorretentionwouldcountformuchinthepresentpositionoftheParliamentarygame。WithKathleentohelphim，hehadworkedhiscorneroftheconstituencywithtireless，well-directedzeal，takinghisshareofthedullroutineworkaswellasofthelivelierepisodes。Thetalkingpartofthecampaignwoundupontheeveofthepollwithameetinginacentrewheremoreundecidedvotesweresupposedtobeconcentratedthananywhereelseinthedivision。A

goodfinalmeetingherewouldmeaneverything。Andthespeakers，localandimported，leftnothingundonetoimprovetheoccasion。

Rupertwasdownfortheunimportanttaskofmovingthecomplimentaryvotetothechairmanwhichshouldclosetheproceedings。

"I\'msohoarse，"heprotested，whenthemomentarrived；"Idon\'tbelieveIcanmakemyvoiceheardbeyondtheplatform。"

"Letmedoit，"saidtheSheep；"I\'mrathergoodatthatsortofthing。"

Thechairmanwaspopularwithallparties，andtheSheep\'sopeningwordsofcomplimentaryrecognitionreceivedaroundofapplause。

Theoratorsmiledexpansivelyonhislistenersandseizedtheopportunitytoaddafewwordsofpoliticalwisdomonhisownaccount。Peoplelookedattheclockorbegantogropeforumbrellasanddiscardedneckwraps。Then，inthemidstofastringofmeaninglessplatitudes，theSheepdeliveredhimselfofoneofthoseblunderingremarkswhichtravelfromoneendofaconstituencytotheotherinhalfanhour，andareseizedonbytheothersideasbeingmorepotentontheirbehalfthanatonofelectionliterature。

Therewasageneralshufflingandmutteringacrossthelengthandbreadthofthehall，andafewhissesmadethemselvesheard。TheSheeptriedtowhittledownhisremark，andthechairmanunhesitatinglythrewhimoverinhisspeechofthanks，butthedamagewasdone。

"I\'mafraidIlosttouchwiththeaudienceratheroverthatremark，"

saidtheSheepafterwards，withhisapologeticsmileabnormallydeveloped。

"Youlostustheelection，"saidthechairman，andheprovedatrueprophet。

Amonthorsoofwintersportseemedadesirablepick-me-upafterthestrenuousworkandcrowningdiscomfitureoftheelection。

RupertandKathleenhiedthemawaytoasmallAlpineresortthatwasjustcomingintoprominence，andthithertheSheepfollowedtheminduecourse，inhisroleofhusband-elect。TheweddinghadbeenfixedfortheendofMarch。

Itwasawinterofearlyandunseasonablethaws，andthefarendofthelocallake，ataspotwhereswiftcurrentsflowedintoit，wasdecoratedwithnotices，writteninthreelanguages，warningskatersnottoventureovercertainunsafepatches。ThefollyofapproachingtoonearthesedangerspotsseemedtohaveanaturalfascinationfortheSheep。

"Idon\'tseewhatpossibledangertherecanbe，"heprotested，withhisinevitablesmile，whenRupertbeckonedhimawayfromtheproscribedarea；"themilkthatIputoutonmywindow-silllastnightwasfrozenaninchdeep。"

"Ithadn\'tgotastrongcurrentflowingthroughit，"saidRupert；

"inanycase，thereisnotmuchsenseinhoveringroundadoubtfulpieceoficewhenthereareacresofgoodicetoskateover。Thesecretaryoftheice-committeehaswarnedyouoncealready。"

AfewminuteslaterRupertheardaloudsquealoffear，andsawadarkspotblottingthesmoothnessofthelake\'sfrozensurface。TheSheepwasstrugglinghelplesslyinanice-holeofhisownmaking。

Rupertgaveoneloudcurse，andthendashedfulltiltfortheshore；

outsidealowstablebuildingonthelake\'sedgeherememberedhavingseenaladder。Ifhecouldslideitacrosstheice-holebeforetheSheepwentundertherescuewouldbecomparativelysimplework。Otherskatersweredashingupfromadistance，and，withtheladder\'shelp，theycouldgethimoutofhisdeath-trapwithouthavingtotrustthemselvesonthemarginofrottenice。Rupertsprangontothesurfaceoflumpy，frozensnow，andstaggeredtowheretheladderlay。Hehadalreadylifteditwhentherattleofachainandafuriousoutburstofgrowlsburstonhishearing，andhewasdashedtothegroundbyamassofwhiteandtawnyfur。Asturdyyoungyard-dog，franticwiththepleasureofperforminghisfirstpieceofacticeguardianservice，wasrampingandsnarlingoverhim，renderingthetaskofregaininghisfeetorsecuringtheladderamatterofconsiderabledifficulty。Whenhehadatlastsucceededinbotheffortshewasjustbyahair\'s-breadthtoolatetobeofanyuse。TheSheephaddefinitelydisappearedundertheice-rift。

KathleenAthlingandherhusbandstaythegreaterpartoftheyearwithRupert，andasmallRobbiestandsinsomedangerofbeingidolisedbyadevoteduncle。ButfortwelvemonthsoftheyearRupert\'smostinseparableandvaluedcompanionisasturdytawnyandwhiteyard-dog。

THEOVERSIGHT

"It\'slikeaChinesepuzzle，"saidLadyProwcheresentfully，staringatascribbledlistofnamesthatspreadovertwoorthreeloosesheetsofnotepaperonherwriting-table。Mostofthenameshadapencilmarkrunningthroughthem。

"WhatislikeaChinesepuzzle？"askedLenaLuddlefordbriskly；sheratherpridedherselfonbeingabletograpplewiththeminorproblemsoflife。

"Gettingpeoplesuitablysortedtogether。SirRichardlikesmetohaveahousepartyaboutthistimeofyear，andgivesmeafreehandastowhomIshouldinvite；allheasksisthatitshouldbeapeaceableparty，withnofrictionorunpleasantness。"

"Thatseemsreasonableenough，"saidLena。

"Notonlyreasonable，mydear，butnecessary。SirRichardhashisliteraryworktothinkof；youcan\'texpectamantoconcentrateonthetribaldisputesofCentralAsianclansmenwhenhe\'sgotsocialfeudsblazingunderhisownroof。"

"Butwhyshouldtheyblaze？Whyshouldtherebefeudsatallwithinthecompassofahouseparty？"

"Exactly；whyshouldtheyblazeorwhyshouldtheyexist？"echoedLadyProwche；"thepointisthattheyalwaysdo。Wehavebeenunlucky；persistentlyunlucky，nowthatIcometolookbackonthings。Wehavealwaysgotpeopleofviolentlyopposedviewsunderoneroof，andtheresulthasbeennotmerelyunpleasantnessbutexplosion。"

"Doyoumeanpeoplewhodisagreeonmattersofpoliticalopinionandreligiousviews？"askedLena。