第5章

Take，forinstance，oneofthemostdramaticreformsthathasbeencarriedthroughParliamentinthelifetimeofthisgeneration。Ithappenedshortlyafterthecoalstrike，ofunblessedmemory。Toyou，whohavebeenplungeduptotheneckineventsofamoretangledandtumbleddescription，thethingsIamgoingtotellyouofmayseemofsecondaryinterest，butafterallwehadtoliveinthemidstofthem。"

SirLulworthinterruptedhimselfforamomenttosayafewkindwordstotheliqueurbrandyhehadjusttasted，andthemresumedhisnarrative。

"Whetheronesympathiseswiththeagitationforfemalesuffrageornotonehastoadmitthatitspromotersshowedtirelessenergyandconsiderableenterpriseindevisingandputtingintoactionnewmethodsforaccomplishingtheirends。Asaruletheywereanuisanceandawearinesstotheflesh，butthereweretimeswhentheyvergedonthepicturesque。TherewasthefamousoccasionwhentheyenlivenedanddiversifiedthecustomarypageantryoftheRoyalprogresstoopenParliamentbylettingloosethousandsofparrots，whichhadbeencarefullytrainedtoscream\'Votesforwomen，\'andwhichcircledroundhisMajesty\'scoachinaclamorouscloudofgreen，andgreyandscarlet。Itwasreallyratherastrikingepisodefromthespectacularpointofview；unfortunately，however，foritsdevisers，thesecretoftheirintentionshadnotbeenwellkept，andtheiropponentsletlooseatthesamemomentarivalswarmofparrots，whichscreeched\'IDON\'Tthink\'andotherhostilecries，therebyrobbingthedemonstrationoftheunanimitywhichalonecouldhavemadeitpoliticallyimpressive。IntheprocessofrecapturethebirdslearnedaquantityofadditionallanguagewhichunfittedthemforfurtherserviceintheSuffragettecause；someofthegreenonesweresecuredbyardentHomeRulepropagandistsandtrainedtodisturbtheserenityofOrangemeetingsbypessimisticreflectionsonSirEdwardCarson\'sdestinationinthelifetocome。Infact，thebirdinpoliticsisafactorthatseemstohavecometostay；

quiterecently，atapoliticalgatheringheldinadimly-lightedplaceofworship，thecongregationgavearespectfulhearingfornearlytenminutestoajackdawfromWapping，undertheimpressionthattheywerelisteningtotheChancelloroftheExchequer，whowaslateinarriving。"

"ButtheSuffragettes，"interruptedthenephew；"whatdidtheydonext？"

"Afterthebirdfiasco，"saidSirLulworth，"themilitantsectionmadeademonstrationofamoreaggressivenature；theyassembledinforceontheopeningdayoftheRoyalAcademyExhibitionanddestroyedsomethreeorfourhundredofthepictures。Thisprovedanevenworsefailurethantheparrotbusiness；everyoneagreedthattherewasalwaysfartoomanypicturesintheAcademyExhibition，andthedrasticweedingoutofafewhundredcanvaseswasregardedasapositiveimprovement。Moreover，fromtheartists\'

pointofviewitwasrealisedthattheoutrageconstitutedasortofcompensationforthosewhoseworkswerepersistently\'skied\'，sinceoutofsightmeantalsooutofreach。AltogetheritwasoneofthemostsuccessfulandpopularexhibitionsthattheAcademyhadheldformanyyears。Thenthefairagitatorsfellbackonsomeoftheirearliermethods；theywrotesweetlyargumentativeplaystoprovethattheyoughttohavethevote，theysmashedwindowstoshowthattheymusthavethevote，andtheykickedCabinetMinisterstodemonstratethatthey\'dbetterhavethevote，andstillthecoldlyreasonedorunreasonedreplywasthatthey\'dbetternot。TheirplightmighthavebeensummedupinaperversionofGilbert\'slines-

"Twentyvotelessmillionswe，Votelessallagainstourwill，TwentyyearshenceweshallbeTwentyvotelessmillionsstill。"

Andofcoursethegreatideafortheirmaster-strokeofstrategycamefromamasculinesource。LenaDubarri，whowasthecaptain-

generaloftheirthinkingdepartment，metWaldoOrpingtonintheMalloneafternoon，justatatimewhenthefortunesoftheCausewereattheirlowestebb。WaldoOrpingtonisafrivolouslittlefoolwhochirrupsatdrawing-roomconcertsandcanrecognisebitsfromdifferentcomposerswithoutreferringtotheprogramme，butallthesameheoccasionallyhasideas。Hedidn\'tcareatwopennyfiddlestringabouttheCause，butheratherenjoyedtheideaofhavinghisfingerinthepoliticalpie。Alsoitispossible，thoughIshouldthinkhighlyimprobable，thatheadmiredLenaDubarri。

Anyhow，whenLenagavearathergloomyaccountoftheexistingstateofthingsintheSuffragetteWorld，Waldowasnotmerelysympatheticbutreadywithapracticalsuggestion。TurninghisgazewestwardalongtheMall，towardsthesettingsunandBuckinghamPalace，hewassilentforamoment，andthensaidsignificantly，\'Youhaveexpendedyourenergiesandenterpriseonlaboursofdestruction；whyhasitneveroccurredtoyoutoattemptsomethingfarmoreterrific？\'

"\'Whatdoyoumean？\'sheaskedhimeagerly。

"\'Create。\'

"\'Doyoumeancreatedisturbances？We\'vebeendoingnothingelseformonths，\'shesaid。

"Waldoshookhishead，andcontinuedtolookwestwardalongtheMall。He\'srathergoodatactinginanamateursortoffashion。

Lenafollowedhisgaze，andthenturnedtohimwithapuzzledlookofinquiry。

"\'Exactly，\'saidWaldo，inanswertoherlook。

"\'But——howcanwecreate？\'sheasked；\'it\'sbeendonealready。\'

"\'DoitAGAIN，\'saidWaldo，\'andagainandagain——\'

"Beforehecouldfinishthesentenceshehadkissedhim。Shedeclaredafterwardsthathewasthefirstmanshehadeverkissed，andhedeclaredthatshewasthefirstwomanwhohadeverkissedhimintheMall，sotheybothsecuredarecordofakind。

"WithinthenextdayortwoanewdeparturewasnoticeableinSuffragettetactics。TheygaveupworryingMinistersandParliamentandtooktoworryingtheirownsympathisersandsupporters——forfunds。Theballot-boxwastemporarilyforgotteninthecultofthecollecting-box。Thedaughtersofthehorseleechwerenotmorepersistentintheirdemands，thefinanciersofthetotteringancienregimewerenotmoredesperateintheirexpedientsforraisingmoneythantheSuffragistworkersofallsectionsatthisjuncture，andinonewayandanother，byfairmeansandnormal，theyreallygottogetheraveryusefulsum。Whattheyweregoingtodowithitnooneseemedtoknow，noteventhosewhoweremostactiveincollectingwork。Thesecretonthisoccasionhadbeenwellkept。

Certaintransactionsthatleakedoutfromtimetotimeonlyaddedtothemysteryofthesituation。

"\'Don\'tyoulongtoknowwhatwearegoingtodowithourtreasurehoard？\'LenaaskedthePrimeMinisteronedaywhenshehappenedtositnexttohimatawhistdriveattheChineseEmbassy。

"\'Iwashopingyouweregoingtotryalittlepersonalbribery，\'herespondedbanteringly，butsomegenuineanxietyandcuriositylaybehindthelightnessofhischaff；\'ofcourseIknow，\'headded，\'thatyouhavebeenbuyingupbuildingsitesincommandingsituationsinandaroundtheMetropolis。Twoorthree，I\'mtold，areontheroadtoBrighton，andanothernearAscot。Youdon\'tmeantofortifythem，doyou？\'

"\'Somethingmoreinsidiousthanthat，\'shesaid；\'youcouldpreventusfrombuildingforts；youcan\'tpreventusfromerectinganexactreplicaoftheVictoriaMemorialoneachofthosesites。They\'reallprivateproperty，withnobuildingrestrictionsattached。\'

"\'Whichmemorial？\'heasked；\'nottheoneinfrontofBuckinghamPalace？Surelynotthatone？\'

"\'Thatone，\'shesaid。

"\'Mydearlady，\'hecried，\'youcan\'tbeserious。Itisabeautifulandimposingworkofart——atanyrateoneisgettingaccustomedtoit，andevenifonedoesn\'thappentoadmireitonecanalwayslookinanotherdirection。Butimaginewhatlifewouldbelikeifonesawthaterectionconfrontingonewhereveronewent。Imaginetheeffectonpeoplewithtired，harassednerveswhosawitthreetimesonthewaytoBrightonandthreetimesonthewayback。ImagineseeingitdominatethelandscapeatAscot，andtryingtokeepyoureyeoffitontheSandwichgolflinks。Whathaveyourcountrymendonetodeservesuchathing？\'

"\'Theyhaverefusedusthevote，\'saidLenabitterly。

"ThePrimeMinisteralwaysdeclaredhimselfanopponentofanythingsavouringofpaniclegislation，buthebroughtaBillintoParliamentforthwithandsuccessfullyappealedtobothHousestopassitthroughallitsstageswithintheweek。Andthatishowwegotoneofthemostgloriousmeasuresofthecentury。"

"Ameasureconferringthevoteonwomen？"askedthenephew。

"Ohdear，no。AnActwhichmadeitapenaloffencetoerectcommemorativestatuaryanywherewithinthreemilesofapublichighway。"

EXCEPTINGMRS。PENTHERBY

ItwasReggieBruttle\'sownideaforconvertingwhathadthreatenedtobeanalbinoelephantintoabeastofburdenthatshouldhelphimalongthestonyroadofhisfinances。"TheLimes，"whichhadcometohimbyinheritancewithoutanyaccompanyingprovisionforitsupkeep，wasoneofthosepretentious，unaccommodatingmansionswhichnonebutamanofwealthcouldaffordtolivein，andwhichnotonewealthymaninahundredwouldchooseonitsmerits。Itmighteasilylanguishintheestatemarketforyears，setroundwithnoticeboardsproclaimingit，intheeyesofascepticalworld，tobeaneminentlydesirableresidence。

Reggie\'sschemewastoturnitintotheheadquartersofaprolongedcountry-houseparty，insessionduringthemonthsfromOctobertilltheendofMarch——apartyconsistingofyoungoryoungishpeopleofbothsexes，toopoortobeabletodomuchhuntingorshootingonaseriousscale，butkeenongettingtheirfillofgolf，bridge，dancing，andoccasionaltheatre-going。Noonewastobeonthefootingofapayingguest，buteveryonewastorankasapayinghost；acommitteewouldlookafterthecateringandexpenditure，andaninformalsub-committeewouldmakeitselfusefulinhelpingforwardtheamusementsideofthescheme。

Asitwasonlyanexperiment，therewastobeageneralagreementonthepartofthoseinvolvedinittobeaslenientandmutuallyhelpfultooneanotheraspossible。Alreadyapromisingnucleus，includingoneortwoyoungmarriedcouples，hadbeengottogether，andthethingseemedtobefairlylaunched。

"Withgoodmanagementandalittleunobtrusivehardwork，Ithinkthethingoughttobeasuccess，"saidReggie，andReggiewasoneofthosepeoplewhoarepainstakingfirstandoptimisticafterwards。

"Thereisonerockonwhichyouwillunfailinglycometogrief，manageyouneversowisely，"saidMajorDagberry，cheerfully；"thewomenwillquarrel。Mindyou，"continuedthisprophetofdisaster，"Idon\'tsaythatsomeofthemenwon\'tquarreltoo，probablytheywill；butthewomenareboundto。Youcan\'tpreventit；it\'sinthenatureofthesex。Thehandthatrocksthecradlerockstheworld，inavolcanicsense。Awomanwillendurediscomforts，andmakesacrifices，andgowithoutthingstoanheroicextent，buttheoneluxuryshewillnotgowithoutisherquarrels。Nomatterwhereshemaybe，orhowtransientherappearanceonascene，shewillinstalherfemininefeudsasassuredlyasaFrenchmanwouldconcoctsoupinthewasteoftheArcticregions。Atthecommencementofaseavoyage，beforethemaletravellerknowshalfadozenofhisfellowpassengersbysight，theaveragewomanwillhavestartedacoupleofenmities，andlaidinmaterialforoneortwomore——provided，ofcourse，thattherearesufficientwomenaboardtopermitquarrellingintheplural。Ifthere\'snooneelseshewillquarrelwiththestewardess。Thisexperimentofyoursistorunforsixmonths；inlessthanfiveweekstherewillbewartotheknifedeclaringitselfinhalfadozendifferentdirections。"

"Oh，come，thereareonlyeightwomenintheparty；theywon\'tpickquarrelsquitesosoonasthat，"protestedReggie。

"Theywon\'talloriginatequarrels，perhaps，"concededtheMajor，"buttheywillalltakesides，andjustasChristmasisuponyou，withitsconventionsofpeaceandgoodwill，youwillfindyourselfinforaglacialepochofcold，unforgivinghostility，withanoccasionalEtnaflareofopenwarfare。Youcan\'thelpit，oldboy；

but，atanyrate，youcan\'tsayyouwerenotwarned。"

ThefirstfiveweeksoftheventurefalsifiedMajorDagberry\'spredictionandjustifiedReggie\'soptimism。Therewere，ofcourse，occasionalsmallbickerings，andtheexistenceofcertainjealousiesmightbedetectedbelowthesurfaceofeverydayintercourse；but，onthewhole，thewomenfolkgotonremarkablywelltogether。Therewas，however，anotableexception。IthadnottakenfiveweeksforMrs。Pentherbytogetherselfcordiallydislikedbythemembersofherownsex；fivedayshadbeenamplysufficient。Mostofthewomendeclaredthattheyhaddetestedherthemomenttheyseteyesonher；

butthatwasprobablyanafterthought。

Withthemenfolkshegotonwellenough，withoutbeingofthetypeofwomanwhocanonlybaskinmalesociety；neitherwasshelackinginthegeneralqualitieswhichmakeanindividualusefulanddesirableasamemberofaco-operativecommunity。Shedidnottryto"getthebetterof"herfellow-hostsbysnatchinglittleadvantagesorcleverlyevadingherjustcontributions；shewasnotinclinedtobeboringorsnobbishinthewayofpersonalreminiscence。Sheplayedafairgameofbridge，andhercard-roommannerswereirreproachable。Butwherevershecameincontactwithherownsexthelightofbattlekindledatonce；hertalentofarousinganimosityseemedtoborderonpositivegenius。

Whethertheobjectofherattentionswasthick-skinnedorsensitive，quick-temperedorgood-natured，Mrs。Pentherbymanagedtoachievethesameeffect。Sheexposedlittleweaknesses，sheproddedsoreplaces，shesnubbedenthusiasms，shewasgenerallyrightinamatterofargument，or，ifwrong，shesomehowcontrivedtomakeheradversaryappearfoolishandopinionated。Shedid，andsaid，horriblethingsinamatter-of-factinnocentway，andshedid，andsaid，matter-of-factinnocentthingsinahorribleway。Inshort，theunanimousfeminineverdictonherwasthatshewasobjectionable。

Therewasnoquestionoftakingsides，astheMajorhadanticipated；

infact，dislikeofMrs。Pentherbywasalmostabondofunionbetweentheotherwomen，andmorethanonethreateningdisagreementhadbeenrapidlydissipatedbyherobviousandmaliciousattemptstoinflameandextendit；andthemostirritatingthingaboutherwashersuccessfulassumptionofunruffledcomposureatmomentswhenthetempersofheradversarieswerewithdifficultykeptundercontrol。

ShemadehermostscathingremarksinthetoneofatubeconductorannouncingthatthenextstationisBromptonRoad——themeasured，listlesstoneofonewhoknowsheisright，butisutterlyindifferenttothefactthatheproclaims。

OnoneoccasionMrs。ValGwepton，whowasnotblessedwiththemostreposefuloftemperaments，fairlyletherselfgo，andgaveMrs。

Pentherbyavividandtruthfulresumeofheropinionofher。Theobjectofthisunpentstormofaccumulatedanimositywaitedpatientlyforalull，andthenremarkedquietlytotheangrylittlewoman-

"Andnow，mydearMrs。Gwepton，letmetellyousomethingthatI\'vebeenwantingtosayforthelasttwoorthreeminutes，onlyyouwouldn\'tgivenmeachance；you\'vegotahairpindroppingoutontheleftside。Youthin-hairedwomenalwaysfinditdifficulttokeepyourhairpinsin。"

"Whatcanonedowithawomanlikethat？"Mrs。Valdemandedafterwardsofasympathisingaudience。

Ofcourse，Reggiereceivednumeroushintsastotheunpopularityofthisjarringpersonality。Hissister-in-lawopenlytackledhimonthesubjectofhermanyenormities。ReggielistenedwiththeattenuatedregretthatonebestowsonanearthquakedisasterinBoliviaoracropfailureinEasternTurkestan，eventswhichseemsodistantthatonecanalmostpersuadeoneselftheyhaven\'thappened。

"Thatwomanhasgotsomeholdoverhim，"opinedhissister-in-law，darkly；"eithersheishelpinghimtofinancetheshow，andpresumesonthefact，orelse，whichHeavenforbid，he\'sgotsomequeerinfatuationforher。Mendotakethemostextraordinaryfancies。"

Mattersnevercameexactlytoacrisis。Mrs。Pentherby，asasourceofpersonaloffence，spreadherselfoversowideanareathatnoonewomanofthepartyfeltimpelledtoriseupanddeclarethatsheabsolutelyrefusedtostayanotherweekinthesamehousewithher。

Whatiseverybody\'stragedyisnobody\'stragedy。Therewaseveracertainconsolationincomparingnotesastospecificactsofoffence。Reggie\'ssister-in-lawhadtheaddedinterestoftryingtodiscoverthesecretbondwhichbluntedhiscondemnationofMrs。

Pentherby\'slongcatalogueofmisdeeds。Therewaslittletogoonfromhismannertowardsherinpublic，butheremainedobstinatelyunimpressedbyanythingthatwassaidagainstherinprivate。

WiththeoneexceptionofMrs。Pentherby\'sunpopularity，thehouse-

partyschemewasasuccessonitsfirsttrial，andtherewasnodifficultyaboutreconstructingitonthesamelinesforanotherwintersession。Itsohappenedthatmostofthewomenoftheparty，andtwoorthreeofthemen，wouldnotbeavailableonthisoccasion，butReggiehadlaidhisplanswellaheadandbookedplentyof"freshblood"forthedeparture。Itwouldbe，ifanything，ratheralargerpartythanbefore。

"I\'msosorryIcan\'tjointhiswinter，"saidReggie\'ssister-in-

law，"butwemustgotoourcousinsinIreland；we\'veputthemoffsooften。Whatashame！You\'llhavenoneofthesamewomenthistime。"

"ExceptingMrs。Pentherby，"saidReggie，demurely。

"Mrs。Pentherby！SURELY，Reggie，you\'renotgoingtobesoidioticastohavethatwomanagain！She\'llsetallthewomen\'sbacksupjustasshedidthistime。WhatISthismysteriousholdshe\'sgooveryou？"

"She\'sinvaluable，"saidReggie；"she\'smyofficialquarreller。"

"Your——whatdidyousay？"gaspedhissister-in-law。

"Iintroducedherintothehouse-partyfortheexpresspurposeofconcentratingthefeudsandquarrellingthatwouldotherwisehavebrokenoutinalldirectionsamongthewomenkind。Ididn\'tneedtheadviceandwarningofsundryfriendstoforeseethatweshouldn\'tgetthroughsixmonthsofclosecompanionshipwithoutacertainamountofpeckingandsparring，soIthoughtthebestthingwastolocaliseandsteriliseitinoneprocess。Ofcourse，Imadeitwellworththelady\'swhile，andasshedidn\'tknowanyofyoufromAdam，andyoudon\'tevenknowherrealname，shedidn\'tmindgettingherselfdislikedinausefulcause。"

"Youmeantosayshewasintheknowallthetime？"

"Ofcourseshewas，andsowereoneortwoofthemen，soshewasabletohaveagoodlaughwithusbehindthesceneswhenshe\'ddoneanythingparticularlyoutrageous。Andshereallyenjoyedherself。

Yousee，she\'sinthepositionofpoorrelationinaratherpugnaciousfamily，andherlifehasbeenlargelyspentinsmoothingoverotherpeople\'squarrels。Youcanimaginethewelcomereliefofbeingabletogoaboutsayinganddoingperfectlyexasperatingthingstoawholehousefulofwomen——andallinthecauseofpeace。"

"Ithinkyouarethemostodiouspersoninthewholeworld，"saidReggie\'ssister-in-law。Whichwasnotstrictlytrue；morethananybody，morethanevershedislikedMrs。Pentherby。Itwasimpossibletocalculatehowmanyquarrelsthatwomanhaddoneheroutof。

MARK

AugustusMellowkentwasanovelistwithafuture；thatistosay，alimitedbutincreasingnumberofpeoplereadhisbooks，andthereseemedgoodreasontosupposethatifhesteadilycontinuedtoturnoutnovelsyearbyyearaprogressivelyincreasingcircleofreaderswouldacquiretheMellowkenthabit，anddemandhisworksfromthelibrariesandbookstalls。AttheinstigationofhispublisherhehaddiscardedthebaptismalAugustusandtakenthefrontnameofMark。

"Womenlikeanamethatsuggestssomeonestrongandsilent，ablebutunwillingtoanswerquestions。Augustusmerelysuggestsidlesplendour，butsuchanameasMarkMellowkent，besidesbeingalliterative，conjuresupavisionofsomeonestrongandbeautifulandgood，asortofblendofGeorgesCarpentierandtheReverendWhat\'s-his-name。"

OnemorninginDecemberAugustussatinhiswriting-room，atworkonthethirdchapterofhiseighthnovel。Hehaddescribedatsomelength，forthebenefitofthosewhocouldnotimagineit，whatarectorygardenlookslikeinJuly；hewasnowengagedindescribingatgreaterlengththefeelingsofayounggirl，daughterofalonglineofrectorsandarchdeacons，whenshediscoversforthefirsttimethatthepostmanisattractive。

"Theireyesmet，forabriefmoment，ashehandedhertwocircularsandthefatwrapper-boundbulkoftheEastEssexNews。Theireyesmet，forthemerestfractionofasecond，yetnothingcouldeverbequitethesameagain。Costwhatitmightshefeltthatshemustspeak，mustbreaktheintolerable，unrealsilencethathadfallenonthem。\'Howisyourmother\'srheumatism？\'shesaid。"

Theauthor\'slabourswerecutshortbythesuddenintrusionofamaidservant。

"Agentlemantoseeyou，sir，"saidthemaid，handingacardwiththenameCaiaphasDwelfinscribedonit；"saysit\'simportant。"

Mellowkenthesitatedandyielded；theimportanceofthevisitor\'smissionwasprobablyillusory，buthehadnevermetanyonewiththenameCaiaphasbefore。Itwouldbeatleastanewexperience。

Mr。Dwelfwasamanofindefiniteage；hishigh，narrowforehead，coldgreyeyes，anddeterminedmannerbespokeanunflinchingpurpose。Hehadalargebookunderhisarm，andthereseemedeveryprobabilitythathehadleftapackageofsimilarvolumesinthehall。Hetookaseatbeforeithadbeenofferedhim，placedthebookonthetable，andbegantoaddressMellowkentinthemannerofan"openletter。"

"Youarealiteraryman，theauthorofseveralwell-knownbooks——"

"Iamengageonabookatthepresentmoment——ratherbusilyengaged，"saidMellowkent，pointedly。

"Exactly，"saidtheintruder；"timewithyouisacommodityofconsiderableimportance。Minutes，even，havetheirvalue。"

"Theyhave，"agreedMellowkent，lookingathiswatch。

"That，"saidCaiaphas，"iswhythisbookthatIamintroducingtoyournoticeisnotabookthatyoucanaffordtobewithout。\'RightHere\'isindispensableforthewritingman；itisnoordinaryencyclopaedia，orIshouldnottroubletoshowittoyou。Itisaninexhaustiblemineofconciseinformation——"

"Onashelfatmyelbow，"saidtheauthor，"IhavearowofreferencebooksthatsupplymewithalltheinformationIamlikelytorequire。"

"Here，"persistedthewould-besalesman，"youhaveitallinonecompactvolume。Nomatterwhatthesubjectmaybewhichyouwishtolookup，orthefactyoudesiretoverify，\'RightHere\'givesyouallthatyouwanttoknowinthebriefestandmostenlighteningform。Historicalreference，forinstance；careerofJohnHuss，letussay。Hereweare：\'Huss，John，celebratedreligiousreformer。

Born1369，burnedatConstance1415。TheEmperorSigismunduniversallyblamed。\'"

"IfhehadbeenburntinthesedayseveryonewouldhavesuspectedtheSuffragettes，"observedMellowkent。

"Poultry-keeping，now，"resumedCaiaphas，"that\'sasubjectthatmightcropupinanoveldealingwithEnglishcountrylife。Herewehaveallaboutit：\'TheLeghornasegg-producer。LackofmaternalinstinctintheMinorca。Gapesinchickens，itscauseandcure。

Ducklingsfortheearlymarket，howfattened。\'There，yousee，thereitallis，nothinglacking。"

"ExceptthematernalinstinctintheMinorca，andthatyoucouldhardlybeexpectedtosupply。"

"Sportingrecords，that\'simportant，too；nowhowmanymen，sportingmeneven，aretherewhocansayoff-handwhathorsewontheDerbyinanyparticularyear？Nowit\'sjustalittlethingofthatsort——"

"Mydearsir，"interruptedMellowkent，"thereareatleastfourmeninmyclubwhocannotonlytellmewhathorsewoninanygivenyear，butwhathorseoughttohavewonandwhyitdidn\'t。Ifyourbookcouldsupplyamethodforprotectingonefrominformationofthatsortitwoulddomorethananythingyouhaveyetclaimedforit。"

"Geography，"saidCaiaphas，imperturbably；"that\'sathingthatabusyman，writingathighpressure，mayeasilymakeaslipover。

Onlytheotherdayawell-knownauthormadetheVolgaflowintotheBlackSeainsteadoftheCaspian；now，withthisbook——"

"Onapolishedrose-woodstandbehindyoutherereposesareliableandup-to-dateatlas，"saidMellowkent；"andnowImustreallyaskyoutobegoing。"

"Anatlas，"saidCaiaphas，"givesmerelythechartoftheriver\'scourse，andindicatestheprincipaltownsthatitpasses。NowRightHeregivesyouthescenery，traffic，ferry-boatcharges，theprevalenttypesoffish，boatmen\'sslangterms，andhoursofsailingoftheprincipalriversteamers。Ifgivesyou——"

Mellowkentsatandwatchedthehard-featured，resolute，pitilesssalesman，ashesatdoggedlyinthechairwhereinhehadinstalledhimself，unflinchinglyextollingthemeritsofhisundesiredwares。

Aspiritofwistfulemulationtookpossessionoftheauthor；whycouldhenotliveuptothecoldsternnamehehadadopted？Whymusthesithereweaklyandlistentothisweary，unconvincingtirade，whycouldhenotbeMarkMellowkentforafewbriefmoments，andmeetthismanonlevelterms？

Asuddeninspirationflashedacrosshis。

"Haveyoureadmylastbook，TheCagelessLinnet？"heasked。

"Idon\'treadnovels，"saidCaiaphastersely。

"Oh，butyououghttoreadthisone，everyoneoughtto，"exclaimedMellowkent，fishingthebookdownfromashelf；"publishedatsixshillings，youcanhaveitatfour-and-six。ThereisabitinchapterfivethatIfeelsureyouwouldlike，whereEmmaisaloneinthebirchcopsewaitingforHaroldHuntingdon——thatisthemanherfamilywanthertomarry。Shereallywantstomarryhim，too，butshedoesnotdiscoverthattillchapterfifteen。Listen：\'Farastheeyecouldstretchrolledthemauveandpurplebillowsofheather，lituphereandtherewiththeglowingyellowofgorseandbroom，andedgedroundwiththedelicategreysandsilverandgreenoftheyoungbirchtrees。Tinyblueandbrownbutterfliesflutteredabovethefrondsofheather，revellinginthesunlight，andoverheadthelarksweresingingasonlylarkscansing。ItwasadaywhenallNature——"

"In\'RightHere\'youhavefullinformationonallbranchesofNaturestudy，"brokeinthebookagent，withatirednotesoundinginhisvoiceforthefirsttime；"forestry，insectlife，birdmigration，reclamationofwastelands。AsIwassaying，nomanwhohastodealwiththevariedinterestsoflife——"

"Iwonderifyouwouldcareforoneofmyearlierbooks，TheReluctanceofLadyCullumpton，"saidMellowkent，huntingagainthroughthebookshelf；"somepeopleconsideritmybestnovel。Ah，hereitis。Iseethereareoneortwospotsonthecover，soI

won\'taskmorethanthree-and-ninepenceforit。Doletmereadyouhowitopens：

"\'BeatriceLadyCullumptonenteredthelong，dimly-litdrawing-room，hereyesblazingwithahopethatsheguessedtobegroundless，herlipstremblingwithafearthatshecouldnotdisguise。Inherhandshecarriedasmallfan，afragiletoyoflaceandsatinwood。

Somethingsnappedassheenteredtheroom；shehadcrushedthefanintoadozenpieces。\'

"There，whatdoyouthinkofthatforanopening？Ittellsyouatoncethatthere\'ssomethingafoot。"

"Idon\'treadnovels，"saidCaiaphassullenly。

"Butjustthinkwhataresourcetheyare，"exclaimedtheauthor，"onlongwinterevenings，orperhapswhenyouarelaidupwithastrainedankle——athingthatmighthappentoanyone；orifyouwerestayinginahouse-partywithpersistentwetweatherandastupidhostessandinsufferablydullfellow-guests，youwouldjustmakeanexcusethatyouhadletterstowrite，gotoyourroom，lightacigarette，andforthree-and-ninepenceyoucouldplungeintothesocietyofBeatriceLadyCullumptonandherset。Nooneoughttotravelwithoutoneortwoofmynovelsintheirluggageasastand-

by。AfriendofminesaidonlytheotherdaythathewouldassoonthinkofgoingintothetropicswithoutquinineasofgoingonavisitwithoutacoupleofMarkMellowkentsinhiskit-bag。Perhapssensationismoreinyourline。IwonderifI\'vegotacopyofThePython\'sKiss。"

Caiaphasdidnotwaittobetemptedwithselectionsfromthatthrillingworkoffiction。Withamutteredremarkabouthavingnotimetowasteonmonkey-talk，hegathereduphisslightedvolumeanddeparted。HemadenoaudiblereplytoMellowkent\'scheerful"Goodmorning，"butthelatterfanciedthatalookofrespectfulhatredflickeredinthecoldgreyeyes。

THEHEDGEHOG

A"MixedDouble"ofyoungpeoplewerecontestingagameoflawntennisattheRectorygardenparty；forthepastfive-and-twentyyearsatleastmixeddoublesofyoungpeoplehaddoneexactlythesamethingonexactlythesamespotataboutthesametimeofyear。

Theyoungpeoplechangedandmadewayforothersinthecourseoftime，butverylittleelseseemedtoalter。Thepresentplayersweresufficientlyconsciousofthesocialnatureoftheoccasiontobeconcernedabouttheirclothesandappearance，andsufficientlysport-lovingtobekeenonthegame。Boththeireffortsandtheirappearancecameunderthefourfoldscrutinyofaquartetofladiessittingasofficialspectatorsonabenchimmediatelycommandingthecourt。ItwasoneoftheacceptedconditionsoftheRectorygardenpartythatfourladies，whousuallyknewverylittleabouttennisandagreatdealabouttheplayers，shouldsitatthatparticularspotandwatchthegame。Ithadalsocometobealmostatraditionthattwoladiesshouldbeamiable，andthattheothertwoshouldbeMrs。DoleandMrs。Hatch-Mallard。

"WhatasingularlyunbecomingwayEvaJonelethastakentodoingherhairin，"saidMrs。Hatch-Mallard；"it\'suglyhairatthebestoftimes，butsheneedn\'tmakeitlookridiculousaswell。Someoneoughttotellher。"

EvaJonelet\'shairmighthaveescapedMrs。Hatch-Mallard\'scondemnationifshecouldhaveforgottenthemoreglaringfactthatEvawasMrs。Dole\'sfavouriteniece。Itwould，perhaps，havebeenamorecomfortablearrangementifMrs。Hatch-MallardandMrs。DolecouldhavebeenaskedtotheRectoryonseparateoccasions，buttherewasonlyonegardenpartyinthecourseoftheyear，andneitherladycouldhavebeenomittedfromthelistofinvitationswithouthopelesslywreckingthesocialpeaceoftheparish。

"Howprettytheyewtreeslookatthistimeofyear，"interposedaladywithasoft，silveryvoicethatsuggestedachinchillamuffpaintedbyWhistler。

"Whatdoyoumeanbythistimeofyear？"demandedMrs。Hatch-

Mallard。"Yewtreeslookbeautifulatalltimesoftheyear。Thatistheirgreatcharm。"

"Yewtreesneverlookanythingbuthideousunderanycircumstancesoratanytimeofyear，"saidMrs。Dole，withtheslow，emphaticrelishofonewhocontradictsforthepleasureofthething。"Theyareonlyfitforgraveyardsandcemeteries。"

Mrs。Hatch-Mallardgaveasardonicsnort，which，beingtranslated，meantthatthereweresomepeoplewhowerebetterfittedforcemeteriesthanforgardenparties。

"Whatisthescore，please？"askedtheladywiththechinchillavoice。

Thedesiredinformationwasgivenherbyayounggentlemaninspotlesswhiteflannels，whosegeneraltoileteffectsuggestedsolicituderatherthananxiety。

"WhatanodiousyoungcubBertieDyksonhasbecome！"pronouncedMrs。

Dole，rememberingsuddenlythatBertiewasafavouritewithMrs。

Hatch-Mallard。"Theyoungmenofto-dayarenotwhattheyusedtobetwentyyearsago。"

"Ofcoursenot，"saidMrs。Hatch-Mallard；"twentyyearsagoBertieDyksonwasjusttwoyearsold，andyoumustexpectsomedifferenceinappearanceandmannerandconversationbetweenthosetwoperiods。"

"Doyouknow，"saidMrs。Dole，confidentially，"Ishouldn\'tbesurprisedifthatwasintendedtobeclever。"

"Haveyouanyoneinterestingcomingtostaywithyou，Mrs。

Norbury？"askedthechinchillavoice，hastily；"yougenerallyhaveahousepartyatthistimeofyear。"

"I\'vegotamostinterestingwomancoming，"saidMrs。Norbury，whohadbeenmutelystrugglingforsomechancetoturntheconversationintoasafechannel；"anoldacquaintanceofmine，AdaBleek——"

"Whatanuglyname，"saidMrs。Hatch-Mallard。

"She\'sdescendedfromthedelaBliques，anoldHuguenotfamilyofTouraine，youknow。"

"Thereweren\'tanyHuguenotsinTouraine，"saidMrs。Hatch-Mallard，whothoughtshemightsafelydisputeanyfactthatwasthreehundredyearsold。

"Well，anyhow，she\'scomingtostaywithme，"continuedMrs。

Norbury，bringingherstoryquicklydowntothepresentday，"shearrivesthisevening，andshe\'shighlyclairvoyante，aseventhdaughterofaseventhdaughter，younow，andallthatsortofthing。"

"Howveryinteresting，"saidthechinchillavoice；"Exwoodisjusttherightplaceforhertocometo，isn\'tit？Therearesupposedtobeseveralghoststhere。"

"Thatiswhyshewassoanxioustocome，"saidMrs。Norbury；"sheputoffanotherengagementinordertoacceptmyinvitation。She\'shadvisionsanddreams，andallthosesortofthings，thathavecometrueinamostmarvellousmanner，butshe\'sneveractuallyseenaghost，andshe\'slongingtohavethatexperience。ShebelongstothatResearchSociety，youknow。"

"Iexpectshe\'llseetheunhappyLadyCullumpton，themostfamousofalltheExwoodghosts，"saidMrs。Dole；"myancestor，youknow，SirGervaseCullumpton，murderedhisyoungbrideinafitofjealousywhiletheywereonavisittoExwood。Hestrangledherinthestableswithastirrupleather，justaftertheyhadcomeinfromriding，andsheisseensometimesatduskgoingaboutthelawnsandthestableyard，inalonggreenhabit，moaningandtryingtogetthethongfromroundherthroat。Ishallbemostinterestedtohearifyourfriendsees——"

"Idon\'tknowwhysheshouldbeexpectedtoseeatrashy，traditionalapparitionliketheso-calledCullumptonghost，thatisonlyvouchedforbyhousemaidsandtipsystable-boys，whenmyuncle，whowastheownerofExwood，committedsuicidethereunderthemosttragicalcircumstances，andmostcertainlyhauntstheplace。"

"Mrs。Hatch-MallardhasevidentlyneverreadPopple\'sCountyHistory，"saidMrs。Doleicily，"orshewouldknowthattheCullumptonghosthasawealthofevidencebehindit——"

"Oh，Popple！"exclaimedMrs。Hatch-Mallardscornfully；"anyrubbishyoldstoryisgoodenoughforhim。Popple，indeed！Nowmyuncle\'sghostwasseenbyaRuralDean，whowasalsoaJusticeofthePeace。

Ishouldthinkthatwouldbegoodenoughtestimonyforanyone。

Mrs。Norbury，Ishalltakeitasadeliberatepersonalaffrontifyourclairvoyantefriendseesanyotherghostexceptthatofmyuncle。"

"Idaresayshewon\'tseeanythingatall；sheneverhasyet，youknow，"saidMrs。Norburyhopefully。

"Itwasamostunfortunatetopicformetohavebroached，"shelamentedafterwardstotheownerofthechinchillavoice；"ExwoodbelongstoMrs。Hatch-Mallard，andwe\'veonlygotitonashortlease。Anephewofhershasbeenwantingtolivethereforsometime，andifweoffendherinanywayshe\'llrefusetorenewthelease。Isometimesthinkthesegarden-partiesareamistake。"

TheNorburysplayedbridgeforthenextthreenightstillnearlyoneo\'clock；theydidnotcareforthegame，butitreducedthetimeattheirguest\'sdisposalforundesirableghostlyvisitations。

"MissBleekisnotlikelytobeinaframeofmindtoseeghosts，"

saidHugoNorbury，"ifshegoestobedwithherbrainawhirlwithroyalspadesandnotrumpsandgrandslams。"

"I\'vetalkedtoherforhoursaboutMrs。Hatch-Mallard\'suncle，"

saidhiswife，"andpointedouttheexactspotwherehekilledhimself，andinventedallsortsofimpressivedetails，andI\'vefoundanoldportraitofLordJohnRussellandputitinherroom，andtoldherthatit\'ssupposedtobeapictureoftheuncleinmiddleage。IfAdadoesseeaghostatallitcertainlyoughttobeoldHatch-Mallard\'s。Atanyrate，we\'vedoneourbest。"

Theprecautionswereinvain。OnthethirdmorningofherstayAdaBleekcamedownlatetobreakfast，hereyeslookingverytired，butablazewithexcitement，herhairdoneanyhow，andalargebrownvolumehuggedunderherarm。

"AtlastI\'veseensomethingsupernatural！"sheexclaimed，andgaveMrs。Norburyaferventkiss，asthoughingratitudefortheopportunityaffordedher。

"Aghost！"criedMrs。Norbury，"notreally！"

"Reallyandunmistakably！"

"Wasitanoldishmaninthedressofaboutfiftyyearsago？"askedMrs。Norburyhopefully。

"Nothingofthesort，"saidAda；"itwasawhitehedgehog。"

"Awhitehedgehog！"exclaimedboththeNorburys，intonesofdisconcertedastonishment。

"Ahugewhitehedgehogwithbalefulyelloweyes，"saidAda；"IwaslyinghalfasleepinbedwhensuddenlyIfeltasensationasofsomethingsinisterandunaccountablepassingthroughtheroom。I

satupandlookedround，andthere，underthewindow，Isawanevil，creepingthing，asortofmonstroushedgehog，ofadirtywhitecolour，withblack，loathsomeclawsthatclickedandscrapedalongthefloor，andnarrow，yelloweyesofindescribableevil。Itslitheredalongforayardortwo，alwayslookingatmewithitscruel，hideouseyes，then，whenitreachedthesecondwindow，whichwasopenitclamberedupthesillandvanished。Igotupatonceandwenttothewindow；therewasn\'tasignofitanywhere。Ofcourse，Iknewitmustbesomethingfromanotherworld，butitwasnottillIturnedupPopple\'schapteronlocaltraditionsthatI

realisedwhatIhadseen。"

Sheturnedeagerlytothelargebrownvolumeandread："\'NicholasHerison，anoldmiser，washungatBatchfordin1763forthemurderofafarmladwhohadaccidentallydiscoveredhissecrethoard。Hisghostissupposedtotraversethecountryside，appearingsometimesasawhiteowl，sometimesasahugewhitehedgehog。"

"IexpectyoureadthePopplestoryovernight，andthatmadeyouTHINKyousawahedgehogwhenyouwereonlyhalfawake，"saidMrs。

Norbury，hazardingaconjecturethatprobablycameverynearthetruth。

Adascoutedthepossibilityofsuchasolutionofherapparition。

"Thismustbehushedup，"saidMrs。Norburyquickly；"theservants——

"

"Hushedup！"exclaimedAda，indignantly；"I\'mwritingalongreportonitfortheResearchSociety。"

ItwasthenthatHugoNorbury，whoisnotnaturallyamanofbrilliantresource，hadoneofthereallyusefulinspirationsofhislife。

"Itwasverywickedofus，MissBleek，"hesaid，"butitwouldbeashametoletitgofurther。Thatwhitehedgehogisanoldjokeofours；stuffedalbinohedgehog，youknow，thatmyfatherbroughthomefromJamaica，wheretheygrowtoenormoussize。Wehideitintheroomwithastringonit，runoneendofthestringthroughthewindow；thenwepulliffrombelowanditcomesscrapingalongthefloor，justasyou\'vedescribed，andfinallyjerksoutofthewindow。Takeninheapsofpeople；theyallreadupPoppleandthinkit\'soldHarryNicholson\'sghost；wealwaysstopthemfromwritingtothepapersaboutit，though。Thatwouldbecarryingmatterstoofar。"

Mrs。Hatch-Mallardrenewedtheleaseinduecourse，butAdaBleekhasneverrenewedherfriendship。