第5章

"Why，theynevereventriedtostophim，"citizens，meetingothercitizensinthestreet，toldeachother。"Ah，they’vehadenoughofhim。Ibettheyareonlytoogladtogetridofhim。Why，theysayheranformileswithoutseeingatraceofthefoe。"

Theenemy’sgeneral，ontheotherhand，alsowrotehomecongratulatinghisGovernment。Inthiswaythesamebattlecanbemaffickedoverbybothparties。Contentmentisthegreatsecretofhappiness。Everythinghappensforthebest，ifonlyyoulookatittherightway。Thatisgoingtobetheargument。ThegeneralofthefuturewilltelegraphtoheadquartersthatheispleasedtobeabletoinformHisMajestythattheenemy，havingbrokendownallopposition，hassucceededincrossingthefrontierandisnowwellonhiswaytoHisMajesty’scapital。

"Iamluringhimon，"hewilladd，"asfastasIcan。Atourpresentrateofprogress，Iaminhopesofbringinghimhomebythetenth。"

Lestfoolishciviliansortofpeopleshouldwonderwhereaboutsliesthecauseforrejoicing，themilitarymanwillcondescendtoexplain。

Theenemyisbeingenticedfartherandfartherfromhisbase。Thedefeatedgeneral——whoisnotreallydefeated，whoisonlyartful，andwhoappearstoberunningaway，isnotreallyrunningawayatall。

Onthecontrary，heisrunninghome——bringing，asheexplains，theenemywithhim。

IfIrememberrightly——itislongsinceIplayedit——thereisaparlourgameentitled"PussintheCorner。"Youbeckonanotherplayertoyouwithyourfinger。"Puss，puss！"youcry。Thereuponhehastoleavehischair——his"base，"asthemilitarymanwouldtermit——andtrytogettoyouwithoutanythinghappeningtohim。

WarinthefutureisgoingtobePussintheCorneronabiggerscale。Youlureyourenemyawayfromhisbase。Ifallgoeswell——ifhedoesnotseethetrapthatisbeinglaidforhim——why，then，almostbeforeheknowsit，hefindshimselfinyourcapital。Thatfinishesthegame。Youfindoutwhatitishereallywants。

Provideditissomethingwithinreason，andyouhappentohaveithandy，yougiveittohim。Hegoeshomecrowing，andyou，onyourside，laughwhenyouthinkhowcleverlyyousucceededinluringhimawayfromhisbase。

Thereisabrightsidetoallthings。Thegentlemanchargedwiththedefenceofafortresswillmeettheothergentlemanwhohascaptureditandshakehandswithhimmidtheruins。

"Sohereyouareatlast！"hewillexplain。"Whydidn’tyoucomebefore？Wehavebeenwaitingforyou。"

Andhewillsendoffdispatchesfelicitatinghischiefonhavinggotthatfortressofftheirhands，togetherwithalltheworryandexpenseithasbeentothem。Whenprisonersaretakenyouwillconsoleyourselfwiththereflectionthatthecostoffeedingthemforthefuturewillhavetobebornebytheenemy。Capturedcannonyouwillwatchbeingtrailedawaywithasighofrelief。

"Confoundedheavythings！"youwillsaytoyourself。"ThankgoodnessI’vegotridofthem。Lethimhavethefunofdraggingthemabouttheseghastlyroads。Seehowhelikesthejob！"

Warisaridiculousmethodofsettlingdisputes。Anythingthatcantendtomakeitsridiculousaspectmoreapparentistobewelcomed。

Thenewschoolofmilitarydispatch—writersmaysucceedinturningeventhelaughterofthemobagainstit。

ThepresenttroubleintheEastwouldneverhaveoccurredbutforthewhiteman’senthusiasmforbearingotherpeople’sburdens。Whatwecalltheyellowdangeristhefearthattheyellowmanmaybeforelongrequestus，sofarasheisconcerned，toputhisparticularburdendown。Itmayoccurtohimthat，seeingitishisproperty，hewouldjustassooncarryithimself。ALondonpolicemantoldmeastorytheotherdaythatstruckhimasanexampleofCockneyhumourundertryingcircumstances。Butitmayalsoserveasafable。FromalonelystreetintheneighbourhoodofCoventGarden，earlyonemorning，theconstableheardcriesof"Stopthief！"shoutedinachildishtreble。Hearrivedonthescenejustintimetocollarayounghooligan，who，havingsnatchedabasketoffruitfromasmalllad——agreengrocer’serrandboy，asitturnedout——was，withit，makingtracks。Thegreengrocer’sboy，betweenpantingandtears，deliveredhisaccusation。Thehooliganregardedhimwithanexpressionofamazedindignation。

"Whatd’yermean，stealingit？"exclaimedMr。Hooligan。"Why，Iwascarryingitforyer！"

Thewhitemanhasgotintothewayof"carrying"otherpeople’sburdens，andnowitlooksasiftheyellowmanweregoingtoobjecttoourcarryinghisanyfurther。Maybeheisgoingtogetnasty，andinsistoncarryingithimself。Wecallthis"theyellowdanger。"

Afriendofmine——heisamanwhointhestreetwalksintolamp—

posts，andapologises——seesrisingfromtheEastthedawnofanewdayintheworld’shistory。Theyellowdangeristohimagoldenhope。Heseesaracelongstagnant，stretchingitsgiantlimbswiththefirstvaguemovementsofreturninglife。Heisapoorsortofpatriot;hecallshimself，Isuppose，awhiteman，yetheshamelesslyconfesseshewouldratherseeAsia’smillionsrisefromtheruinsoftheirancientcivilizationtotaketheirpartinthefutureofhumanity，thanthathalfthepopulationoftheglobeshouldremainboundinsavageryforthepleasureandtheprofitofhisownparticularspecies。

Heevengoessofarastothinkthatthewhitemanmayhavesomethingtolearn。Theworldhasbelongedtohimnowforsomethousandsofyears。Hashedoneallwithitthatcouldhavebeendone？Arehisidealsthelastword？

NotwhattheyellowmanhasabsorbedfromEurope，butwhatheisgoingtogiveEuropeitisthatinterestsmyfriend。Heiswatchingthebirthofanewforce——aninfluenceasyetunknown。Heclingstothefondbeliefthatnewideas，newformulae，toreplacetheoldwornshibboleths，may，duringthesethousandsofyears，havebeendevelopinginthosekeenbrainsthatbehindtheimpressiveyellowmaskhavebeenworkingsolonginsilenceandinmystery。

WHYDIDN’THEMARRYTHEGIRL？

Whatiswrongwithmarriage，anyhow？Ifindmyselfponderingthisquestionsooften，whenreadinghigh—classliterature。Iputittomyselfagaintheotherevening，duringaperformanceofFaust。WhycouldnotFausthavemarriedthegirl？Iwouldnothavemarriedhermyselfforanyconsiderationwhatsoever;butthatisnottheargument。Faust，apparently，couldnotseeanythingamisswithher。

Bothofthemweremadabouteachother。Yettheideaofaquiet，unostentatiousmarriagewithaweek’shoneymoon，say，inVienna，followedbyaneatlittlecottageorne，nottoofarfromNurnberg，sothattheirfriendscouldhavecomeouttothem，neverseemstohaveoccurredtoeitherofthem。

Therecouldhavebeenagarden。Margueritemighthavekeptchickensandacow。Thatsortofgirl，broughtuptohardworkandbynomeanstoowelleducated，isallthebetterforhavingsomethingtodo。Later，withthegradualarrivalofthefamily，agood，all—roundwomanmighthavebeenhiredintoassist。Faust，ofcourse，wouldhavehadhisstudyandgottoworkagain;thatwouldhavekepthimoutoffurthermischief。Theideathatabrainyman，hisage，wasgoingtobehappywithnothingtodoalldaybutfoolroundapetticoatwasridiculousfromthebeginning。Valentine——agoodfellow，Valentine，withniceideas——wouldhavespenthisSaturdaystoMondaywiththem。Overapipeandaglassofwine，heandFaustwouldhavediscussedthelocalpolitics。

Hewouldhavedancedthechildrenonhisknee，havetoldthemtalesaboutthewar——taughttheeldestboytoshoot。Faust，withapracticalmanlikeValentinetohelphim，wouldprobablyhaveinventedanewgun。Valentinewouldhavegotittakenup。

Thingsmighthavecomeofit。Sybil，incourseoftime，wouldhavemarriedandsettleddown——perhapshavetakenalittlehouseneartothem。HeandMargueritewouldhavejoked——whenMrs。Sybilwasnotaround——abouthisearlyinfatuation。TheoldmotherwouldhavetoddledoverfromNurnberg——nottoooften，justfortheday。

Thepicturegrowsupononethemoreonethinksofit。Whydiditneveroccurtothem？TherewouldhavebeenabitofabotherwiththeOldMan。IcanimagineMephistophelesbeingupsetaboutit，thinkinghimselfswindled。Ofcourse，ifthatwasthereason——ifFaustsaidtohimself：

"Ishouldliketomarrythegirl，butIwon’tdoit;itwouldnotbefairtotheOldMan;hehasbeentoalotoftroubleworkingthisthingup;incommongratitudeIcannotturnroundnowandbehavelikeadecent，sensibleman;itwouldnotbeplayingthegame"——ifthiswasthewayFaustlookedatthematterthereisnothingmoretobesaid。Indeed，itshowshiminratherafinelight——noble，ifquixotic。

If，ontheotherhand，helookedatthequestionfromthepointofviewofhimselfandthegirl，Ithinkthethingmighthavebeenmanaged。AllonehadtodointhosedayswhenonewantedtogetridoftheDevilwastoshowhimaswordhilt。FaustandMargueritecouldhaveslippedintoachurchonemorning，andhavekepthimoutofthewaywithaswordhilttilltheceremonywasthrough。Theymighthavehiredasmallboy：

"Youseethegentlemaninred？Well，hewantsusandwedon’twanthim。Thatistheonlydifferencebetweenus。Now，youtakethissword，andwhenyouseehimcomingshowhimthehilt。Don’thurthim;justshowhimtheswordandshakeyourhead。Hewillunderstand。"

Theoldgentleman’sexpression，whensubsequentlyFaustpresentedhimtoMarguerite，wouldhavebeeninteresting：

"Allowme，mywife。Mydear，a——afriendofmine。Youmayremembermeetinghimthatnightatyouraunt’s。"

AsIhavesaid，therewouldhavebeenructions;butIdonotmyselfseewhatcouldhavebeendone。TherewasnothinginthebondtotheeffectthatFaustshouldnotmarry，sofaraswearetold。TheOldManhadasenseofhumour。Myownopinionisthat，aftergettingoverthefirstannoyance，hehimselfwouldhaveseenthejoke。IcanevenpicturehimlookinginnowandagainonMr。andMrs。Faust。Thechildrenwouldbehurriedofftobed。Therewouldbe，forawhile，anatmosphereofconstraint。

ButtheOldManhadawaywithhim。HewouldhavetoldoneortwostoriesatwhichMargueritewouldhaveblushed，atwhichFaustwouldhavegrinned。Icanseetheoldfellowoccasionallyjoiningthehomelysocialboard。Thechildren，awedatfirst，wouldhavesatsilent，withstaringeyes。But，asIhavesaid，theOldManhadawaywithhim。Whyshouldhenothavereformed？Thegoodwoman’sunconsciouslyexertedinfluence——thesweetchildishprattle！Onehearsofsuchthings。Mighthenothavecometobeknownas"Nunkie"？

Myself——IbelieveIhavealreadymentionedit——IwouldnothavemarriedMarguerite。Sheisnotmyidealofagoodgirl。Ineverlikedthewayshedeceivedhermother。Andthatauntofhers！Well，anicegirlwouldnothavebeenfriendswithsuchawoman。ShedidnotbehaveatalltoowelltoSybil，either。Itiscleartomethatsheledtheboyon。Andwhatwasshedoingwiththatboxofjewels，anyhow？Shewasnotafool。Shecouldnothavegoneeverydaytothatfountain，chattedwiththosegirlfriendsofhers，andlearntnothing。Shemusthaveknownthatpeopledon’tgoleavingtwentythousandpounds’worthofjewelsaboutondoorstepsaspartofaroundgame。Herowninstinct，ifshehadbeenagoodgirl，wouldhavetoldhertoleavethethingalone。

Idon’tbelieveintheseinnocentpeoplewhodonotknowwhattheyaredoinghalftheirtime。AskanyLondonmagistratewhathethinksoftheladywhoexplainsthatshepickedupthediamondbrooch：—

"Notmeaning，ofcourse，yourWorship，totakeit。Iwouldnotdosuchathing。Itjusthappenedthisway，yourWorship。Iwasstandingasyoumightsayhere，andnotseeinganyoneaboutintheshopIopenedthecaseandtookitout，thinkingasperhapsitmightbelongtosomeone;andthenthisgentlemanhere，asIhadnotnoticedbefore，comesupquitesuddenlyandsays;’Youcomealongwithme，’

hesays。’Whatfor，’Isays，’whenIdon’tevenknowyou？’Isays。

’Forstealing，’hesays。’Well，that’sahardwordtousetoalady，’Isays;’Idon’tknowwhatyoumean，I’msure。’"

Andifshehadputthemallon，notthinking，whatwouldareallynicegirlhavedonewhenthegentlemancameupandassuredhertheywerehers？Shewouldhavebeenthirtysecondstakingthemoffandflingingthembackintothebox。

"Thankyou，"shewouldhavesaid，"I’lltroubleyoutoleavethisgardenasquicklyasyouentereditandtakethemwithyou。I’mnotthatsortofgirl。"

Margueriteclingstothejewels，andacceptstheyoungman’sarmforamoonlightpromenade。Andwhenitdoesenterintoherinnocentheadthatheandshehavewalkedthatshadygardenlongenough，whatdoesshedowhenshehassaidgood—byeandshutthedoor？Sheopenstheground—floorwindowandbeginstosing！

MaybeIamnotpoetical，butIdolikejustice。Whenothergirlsdothesesortofthingstheygetcallednames。Icannotseewhythisparticulargirlshouldbeheldupasanideal。Shekillshermother。

Accordingtoherownaccountthiswasanaccident。Itisnotanoriginallineofdefence，andwearenotallowedtoheartheevidencefortheprosecution。Shealsokillsherbaby。Youarenottoblameherforthat，becauseatthetimeshewasfeelingpoorly。Idon’tseewhythisgirlshouldhaveaspeciallineofangelstotakeheruptoheaven。Theremusthavebeendecent，hard—workingwomeninNurnburgmoreentitledtotheticket。

WhyisitthatalltheseyearswehavebeencontenttoacceptMargueriteasatypeofinnocenceandvirtue？Theexplanationis，I

suppose，thatGoethewroteatatimewhenitwastheconventiontoregardallwomenasgood。Anythinginpetticoatswasvirtuous。Ifshedidwrongitwasalwayssomebodyelse’sfault。Cherchezlafemmewasalaternotion。InthedaysofGoetheitwasalwaysCherchezl’homme。Itwastheman’sfault。Itwasthedevil’sfault。Itwasanybody’sfaultyouliked，butnother’s。

Theconventionhasnotyetdiedout。IwasreadingtheotherdayamostinterestingbookbyabrilliantAmericanauthoress。SeeingI

livefarawayfromthelady’shaunts，Iventuretomentionnames。I

amspeakingof"PatienceSparhawk，"byGertrudeAtherton。Itakethisbookbecauseitistypicalofalargebodyoffiction。MissSparhawklivesatroubledlife：itpuzzlesher。Sheasksherselfwhatiswrong。Herownideaisthatitiscivilisation。

Ifitisnotcivilisation，thenitistheAmericanmanorNature——orDemocracy。MissSparhawkmarriesthewrongman。Lateronshegetsengagedtoanotherwrongman。Intheendwearelefttobelievesheisabouttobemarriedtotherightman。IshouldbebettersatisfiedifIcouldhearMissSparhawktalkingsixmonthsafterthatlastmarriage。ButifamistakehasagainbeenmadeIamconfidentthat，inMissSparhawk’sopinion，thefaultwillnotbeMissSparhawk’s。Theargumentisalwaysthesame：MissSparhawk，beingalady，candonowrong。

IfMissSparhawkcaredtolistentomeforfiveminutes，IfeelI

couldputherrightonthispoint。

"Itisquitetrue，mydeargirl，"Ishouldsaytoher，"somethingiswrong——verywrong。ButitisnottheAmericanman。NeveryoumindtheAmericanman：youleavehimtoworryouthisownsalvation。Youarenotthegirltoputhimright，evenwhereheiswrong。Anditisnotcivilisation。Civilisationhasadealtoanswerfor，Iadmit：

don’tyouloaditupwiththisadditionaltrouble。Thethingthatiswronginthiscaseofyours——ifyouwillforgivemysayingso——isyou。Youmakeafoolofyourself;youmarryamanwhoisamereanimalbecauseheappealstoyouranimalinstincts。Then，liketheladywhocriedout’Alack，I’vemarriedablack，’youappealtoheavenagainsttheinjusticeofbeingmatedwithaclown。Youarenotanicegirl，eitherinyourideasorinyourbehaviour。Idon’tblameyouforit;youdidnotmakeyourself。Butwhenyousettoworktoattractallthatislowestinman，whybesoastonishedatyourownsuccess？ThereareplentyofshockingAmericanmen，I

agree。OnemeetstheclassevenoutsideAmerica。ButniceAmericangirlswilltellyouthattherearealsoniceAmericanmen。Thereisanoldproverbaboutbirdsofafeather。NexttimeyoufindyourselfinthecompanyofashockingAmericanman，youjustaskyourselfhowhegotthere，andhowitisheseemstobefeelingathome。Youlearnself—control。Getitoutofyourheadthatyouarethecentreoftheuniverse，andgrasptheideathatapetticoatisnotahalo，andyouwillfindcivilisationnothalfaswrongasyouthoughtit。"

IknowwhatMissSparhawk’sreplywouldbe。

"Yousayallthistome——tome，alady？GreatHeavens！Whathasbecomeofchivalry？"

AFrenchmanwasonceputontrialformurderinghisfatherandmother。Heconfessedhisguilt，butbeggedformercyonthepleathathewasanorphan。Chivalrywasfoundedontheassumptionthatwomanwasworthytobeworshipped。Themodernwoman’snotionisthatwhenshedoeswrongsheoughttobeexcusedbychivalrousmanbecausesheisalady。

Ilikethenaughtyheroine;weallofusdo。TheearlyVictorianheroine——theangelinawhitefrock，wasabore。Weknewexactlywhatshewasgoingtodo——therightthing。Wedidnotevenhavetoaskourselves，"Whatwillshethinkistherightthingtodounderthecircumstances？"Itwasalwaystheconventionalrightthing。YoucouldhaveputittoaSundayschoolandhavegottheanswereverytime。Theheroinewithpassions，instincts，emotions，istobewelcomed。ButIwanthertograspthefactthatafterallsheisonlyoneofus。Ishouldlikeherbetterif，insteadofdemanding：

"Whatiswrongincivilisation？Whatistheworldcomingto？"andsoforth，shewouldoccasionallysaytoherself：

"GuessI’vemadeafoolofmyselfthistime。Idofeelthat’shamedofmyself。"

Shewouldnotlosebyit。Weshouldrespectherallthemore。

WHATMRS。WILKINSTHOUGHTABOUTIT。

Lastyear，travellingontheUndergroundRailway，Imetaman;hewasoneofthesaddest—lookingmenIhadseenforyears。Iusedtoknowhimwellintheolddayswhenwewerejournaliststogether。Iaskedhim，inasympathetictone，howthingsweregoingwithhim。I

expectedhisresponsewouldbeafloodoftears，andthatintheendIshouldhavetoforkoutafiver。Tomyastonishment，hisanswerwasthatthingsweregoingexceedinglywellwithhim。Ididnotwanttosaytohimbluntly：

"Thenwhathashappenedtoyoutomakeyoulooklikeamuteatatemperancefuneral？"Isaid：

"Andhowareallathome？"

Ithoughtthatifthetroublelaytherehewouldtaketheopportunity。Itbrightenedhimsomewhat，thenecessityofreplyingtothequestion。Itappearedthathiswifewasinthebestofhealth。

"Yourememberher，"hecontinuedwithasmile;"wonderfulspirits，alwayscheerful，nothingseemstoputherout，noteven——"

Heendedthesentenceabruptlywithasigh。

Hismother—in—law，Ilearnedfromfurthertalkwithhim，haddiedsinceIhadlastmethim，andhadleftthemacomfortableadditiontotheirincome。Hiseldestdaughterwasengagedtobemarried。

"Itisentirelyalovematch，"heexplained，"andheissuchadear，goodfellow，thatIshouldnothavemadeanyobjectionevenhadhebeenpoor。But，ofcourse，asitis，Iamnaturallyallthemorecontent。"

Hiseldestboy，havingwontheMottleScholarship，wasgoinguptoCambridgeintheAutumn。Hisownhealth，hetoldme，hadgreatlyimproved;andanovelhehadwritteninhisleisuretimepromisedtobeoneofthesuccessesoftheseason。ThenitwasthatIspokeplainly。

"IfIamopeningawoundtoopainfultobetouched，"Isaid，"tellme。If，onthecontrary，itisanordinarysortoftroubleuponwhichthesympathyofafellowworkermayfallasbalm，letmehearit。"

"SofarasIamconcerned，"hereplied，"Ishouldbegladtotellyou。Speakingaboutitdoesmegood，andmaylead——soIamalwaysinhopes——toanidea。But，foryourownsake，ifyoutakemyadvice，youwillnotpressme。"

"Howcanitaffectme？"Iasked，"itisnothingtodowithme，isit？"

"Itneedhavenothingtodowithyou，"heanswered，"ifyouaresensibleenoughtokeepoutofit。IfItellyou：fromthistimeonwarditwillbeyourtroublealso。Anyhow，thatiswhathashappenedinfourotherseparatecases。Ifyouliketobethefifthandcompletethehalfdozenofus，youarewelcome。ButrememberI

havewarnedyou。"

"Whathasitdonetotheotherfive？"Idemanded。

"Ithaschangedthemfromcheerful，companionablepersonsintogloomyone—ideadbores，"hetoldme。"Theythinkofbutonething，theytalkofbutonething，theydreamofbutonething。Insteadofgettingoverit，astimegoeson，ittakespossessionofthemmoreandmore。Therearemen，ofcourse，whowouldbeunaffectedbyit——

whocouldshakeitoff。Iwarnyouinparticularagainstit，because，inspiteofallthatissaid，Iamconvincedyouhaveasenseofhumour;andthatbeingso，itwilllayholdofyou。Itwillplagueyounightandday。Youseewhatithasmadeofme！Threemonthsagoaladyinterviewerdescribedmeasofasunnytemperament。

Ifyouknowyourownbusinessyouwillgetoutatthenextstation。"

IwishnowIhadfollowedhisadvice。Asitwas，Iallowedmycuriositytotakepossessionofme，andbeggedhimtoexplain。Andhedidso。

"ItwasjustaboutChristmastime，"hesaid。"WewerediscussingtheDruryLanePantomime——somethreeorfourofus——inthesmokingroomoftheDevonshireClub，andyoungGoldsaidhethoughtitwouldproveamistake，theintroductionofasubjectliketheFiscalquestionintothestoryofHumptyDumpty。Thetwothings，sofarashecouldsee，hadnothingtodowithoneanother。HeaddedthatheentertainedarealregardforMr。DanLeno，whomhehadoncemetonasteamboat，butthattherewereothertopicsuponwhichhewouldprefertoseekthatgentleman’sguidance。Nettleship，ontheotherhand，declaredthathehadnosympathywiththeargumentthatartistsshouldneverintrudeuponpublicaffairs。Theactorwasafellowcitizenwiththerestofus。Hesaidthat，whetheroneagreedwiththeirconclusionsornot，onemustadmitthatthenationowedadebtofgratitudetoMrs。BrownPotterandtoMissOlgaNethersoleforgivingtoitthebenefitoftheirconvictions。Hehadtalkedtobothladiesinprivateonthesubjectandwasconvincedtheyknewasmuchaboutitasdidmostpeople。

"Burnside，whowasoneoftheparty，contendedthatifsidesweretobetaken，apantomimeshouldsurelyadvocatetheFree—FoodCause，seeingitwasaformofentertainmentsupposedtoappealprimarilytothetastesoftheLittleEnglander。ThenIcameintothediscussion。

"’TheFiscalquestion，’Isaid，’isoneverybody’stongue。Suchbeingthecase，itisfitandproperitshouldbereferredtoinourannualpantomime，whichhascometoberegardedasareviewoftheyear’sdoings。Butitshouldnothavebeendealtwithfromthepoliticalstandpoint。Theproperattitudetohaveassumedtowardsitwasthatofinnocentraillery，freefromalltraceofpartisanship。’

"OldJohnsonhadstrolledupandwasstandingbehindus。

"’TheverythingIhavebeentryingtogetholdofforweeks，’hesaid——’abright，amusingresumeofthewholeproblemthatshouldgiveoffencetoneitherside。Youknowourpaper，’hecontinued;’westeerclearofpolitics，but，atthesametime，trytobeup—to—date;

itisnotalwayseasy。Thetreatmentofthesubject，onthelinesyousuggest，isjustwhatwerequire。Idowishyouwouldwritemesomething。’

"Heisagoodoldsort，Johnson;itseemedaneasything。IsaidI

would。SincethattimeIhavebeenthinkinghowtodoit。Asamatteroffact，Ihavenotthoughtofmuchelse。Maybeyoucansuggestsomething。"

Iwasfeelinginagoodworkingmoodthenextmorning。

"Pilson，"saidItomyself，"shallhavethebenefitofthis。Hedoesnotneedanythingboisterouslyfunny。Afewplayfullywittyremarksonthesubjectwillbetheideal。"

Ilitapipeandsatdowntothink。Athalf—pasttwelve，havingtowritesomelettersbeforegoingouttolunch，IdismissedtheFiscalquestionfrommymind。

Butnotforlong。Itworriedmealltheafternoon。Ithought，maybe，somethingwouldcometomeintheevening。Iwastedallthatevening，andIwastedallthefollowingmorning。Everythinghasitsamusingside，Itoldmyself。Oneturnsoutcomicstoriesaboutfunerals，aboutweddings。Hardlyamisfortunethatcanhappentomankindbuthasproduceditscomicliterature。AnAmericanfriendofmineoncetookacontractfromtheEditorofanInsuranceJournaltowritefourhumorousstories;onewastodealwithanearthquake，thesecondwithacyclone，thethirdwithaflood，andthefourthwithathunderstorm。AndmoreamusingstoriesIhaveneverread。WhatisthematterwiththeFiscalquestion？

ImyselfhavewrittenlightlyonBime—metallism。HomeRuleweusedtobemerryoverintheeighties。IrememberonedelightfuleveningattheCodgers’Hall。Itwouldhavebeenmoredelightfulstill，butforaraw—bonedIrishman，whorosetowardseleveno’clockandrequestedtobeinformedifanyotherspeakerwaswishfultomakeanymorejokesonthesubjectofOuldIreland;because，ifso，theraw—

bonedgentlemanwaspreparedtosavetimebywaitinganddealingwiththemaltogether。Butifnot，then——sotheraw—bonedgentlemanannounced——hisintentionwastogoforthelastspeakerandthelastspeakerbuttwoatonceandwithoutfurtherwarning。

Nootherhumouristrising，theraw—bonedgentlemanproceededtomakegoodhisthreat，withtheresultthatthefundegeneratedsomewhat。

EvenontheBoerWarweusedtowhisperjokestooneanotherinquietplaces。InthisFiscalquestiontheremustbefun。Whereisit？

FordaysIthoughtoflittleelse。Mylaundress——aswecallthemintheTemple——noticedmytrouble。

"Mrs。Wilkins，"Iconfessed，"IamtryingtothinkofsomethinginnocentlyamusingtosayontheFiscalquestion。"

"I’ve’eardaboutit，"shesaid，"butIdon’t’avemuchtimetoreadthepapers。Theywanttomakeuspaymoreforourfood，don’tthey？"

"Forsomeofit，"Iexplained。"But，then，weshallpaylessforotherthings，sothatreallyweshan’tbepayingmoreatall。"

"Theredon’tseemmuchinit，eitherway，"wasMrs。Wilkins’opinion。

"Justso，"Iagreed，"thatistheadvantageofthesystem。Itwillcostnobodyanything，andwillresultineverybodybeingbetteroff。"

"Thepityis，"saidMrs。Wilkins"thatpitynobodyeverthoughtofitbefore。"

"Thewholetroublehitherto，"Iexplained，"hasbeentheforeigner。"

"Ah，"saidMrs。Wilkins，"Inever’eardmuchgoodof’em，thoughtheydosaytheAlmighty’asauseforalmosteverything。"

"Theseforeigners，"Icontinued，"theseGermansandAmericans，theydumpthingsonus，youknow。"

"What’sthat？"demandedMrs。Wilkins。

"What’sdump？Well，it’sdumping，youknow。Youtakethings，andyoudumpthemdown。"

"Butwhatthings？’Owdotheydoit？"askedMrs。Wilkins。

"Why，allsortsofthings：pigiron，bacon，door—mats——everything。

Theybringthemoverhere——inships，youunderstand——andthen，ifyouplease，justdumpthemdownuponourshores。"

"Youdon’tmeansurelytotellmethattheyjustthrowthemoutandleavethemthere？"queriedMrs。Wilkins。

"Ofcoursenot，"Ireplied;"whenIsaytheydumpthesethingsuponourshores，thatisafigureofspeech。WhatImeanistheysellthemtous。"

"Butwhydowebuythemifwedon’twantthem？"askedMrs。Wilkins;

"we’renotboundtobuythem，arewe？"

"Itistheirartfulness，"Iexplained，"theseGermansandAmericans，andtheothers;theyarealljustasbadasoneanother——theyinsistonsellingusthesethingsatlesspricethantheycosttomake。"

"Itseemsabitsillyofthem，don’tit？"thoughtMrs。Wilkins。"I

supposebeingforeigners，poorthings，theyain’tnaturallygotmuchsense。"

"Itdoesseemsillyofthem，ifyoulookatitthatway，"Iadmitted，"butwhatwehavegottoconsideris，theinjuryitisdoingus。"

"Don’tsee’owitcandousmuch’arm，"arguedMrs。Wilkins;"seemsabitoflucksofarasweareconcerned。There’safewmorethingsthey’dbewelcometodumproundmyway。"

"Idon’tseemtobeputtingthisthingquiteintherightlighttoyou，Mrs。Wilkins，"Iconfessed。"Itisalongargument，andyoumightnotbeabletofollowit;butyoumusttakeitasafactnowgenerallyadmittedthatthecheaperyoubuythingsthesooneryourmoneygoes。Byallowingtheforeignertosellusallthesethingsatabouthalfthecostprice，heisgettingrichereveryday，andwearegettingpoorer。Unlesswe，asacountry，insistonpayingatleasttwentypercent。moreforeverythingwewant，itiscalculatedthatinaveryfewyearsEnglandwon’thaveapennyleft。"

"Soundsabittopsyturvy，"suggestedMrs。Wilkins。

"Itmaysoundso，"Ianswered，"butIfeartherecanbenodoubtofit。TheBoardofTradeReturnswouldseemtoproveitconclusively。"

"Well，Godbepraised，we’vefounditoutintime，"ejaculatedMrs。

Wilkinspiously。

"Itisamatterofcongratulation，"Iagreed;"thedifficultyisthatagoodmanyotherpeoplesaythatfarfrombeingruined，wearedoingverywellindeed，andaregrowingrichereveryyear。"

"But’owcantheysaythat，"arguedMrs。Wilkins，"when，asyoutellme，thoseTradeReturnsprovejusttheopposite？"

"Well，theysaythesame，Mrs。Wilkins，thattheBoardofTradeReturnsprovejusttheopposite。"

"Well，theycan’tbothberight，"saidMrs。Wilkins。

"Youwouldbesurprised，Mrs。Wilkins，"Isaid，"howmanythingscanbeprovedfromBoardofTradeReturns！"

ButIhavenotyetthoughtofthatarticleforPilson。

SHALLWEBERUINEDBYCHINESECHEAPLABOUR？

"WhatisallthistalkI’earabouttheChinese？"saidMrs。Wilkinstometheothermorning。WegenerallyindulgeinalittlechatwhileMrs。Wilkinsislayingthebreakfast—table。LettersandnewspapersdonotarriveinmypartoftheTemplemuchbeforenine。Fromhalf—

pasteighttonineIamrathergladofMrs。Wilkins。"They’avebeenuptosomeoftheirtricksagain，’aven’tthey？"

"Theforeigner，Mrs。Wilkins，"Ireplied，"whetherhebeChineeoranyotherhe，isalwaysuptotricks。WasnotEnglandspeciallypreparedbyanall—wiseProvidencetofrustratetheseknavishtricks？

Whichofsuchparticulartricksmayyoubereferringtoatthemoment，Mrs。Wilkins？"

"Well，’e’scomin’over’ere——isn’the，sir？totaketheworkoutofourmouths，asitwere。"

"Well，notexactlyoverhere，toEngland，Mrs。Wilkins，"Iexplained。

"HehasbeenintroducedintoAfricatoworkintheminesthere。"

"It’safunnything，"saidMrs。Wilkins，"butto’earthewaysomeofthemtalkinourblock，youmightrunawaywiththenotion——thatis，ifyoudidn’tknow’em——thatworkwastheironlyjoy。Isaidtooneof’em，theotherevening——amanascalls’isselfabrassfinisher，though，Lordknows，theonlybrass’eeverfinishesiswhat’ispoorwifeearnsandisn’tquickenoughto’ideawayfrom’im——well，whatever’appens，Isays，itwillbecleverof’emiftheytakeawaymuchworkfromyou。Itmadethemalllaugh，thatdid，"addedMrs。

Wilkins，withatouchofpardonablepride。

"Ah，"continuedthegoodlady，"it’ssurprising’owcontentedtheycanbewithalittle，someof’em。Give’ema’ard—workingwomantolookafterthem，andadayoutonceaweekwithaprocessionoftheunemployed，theydon’taskfornothingmore。There’sthatbeautymypoorsisterJanewasfoolenoughtomarry。Serves’erright，asI

usedtotell’eratfirst，tilltheredidn’tseemanymoreneedtorubitinto’er。She’d’adonegood’usband。Itwouldn’t’avebeenfairfor’erto’ave’adanother，evenifthere’dbeenachanceofit，seeingthefewof’emthereistogoroundamongsomany。Butit’salwaysthesamewithuswidows：ifwe’appento’avebeenluckythefirsttime，weputitdowntoourownjudgment——thinkwecan’tevermakeamistake;andifwedrawawrong’un，asthesayingis，weargueasifitwasthedutyofProvidencetomakeituptousthesecondtime。Why，I’dabeenmakingafoolofmyselfthreeyearsagoif’e’adn’tbeengood—naturedenoughtocalloneafternoonwhenI

wasout，and’ookitoffwithtwopoundseightinthebestteapotthatI’adbeensoftenoughtotalkto’imabout：andneverletmeseteyeson’imagain。Godbless’im！’E’soneoftheborn—tireds，’eis，aspoorJanemight’aveseenfor’erself，ifshe’adonlylookedat’im，insteadoflisteningto’im。

"Butthat’scourtshipalltheworldover——oldandyoungalike，sofarasI’vebeenabletoseeit，"wastheopinionofMrs。Wilkins。"Theman’salleyesandthewomanallears。Theydon’tseemto’aveanyothersensesleft’em。Iranagainst’imtheothernight，onmyway’ome，atthecornerofGray’sInnRoad。TherewastheusualcrowdwatchingapackofthemItalianslayingdowntheasphaltin’Olborn，and’ewasamong’em。’E’adsecuredtheonlylamp—post，andwasleaningagenit。

"’Ullo，’Isays，’gladtoseeyou’aven’tlostyourjob。Nothin’

likestickin’toit，whenyou’vedroppedintosomethin’thatreallysuitsyou。’

"’Whatdoyoumean，Martha？’’esays。’E’snotoneofwhatIcallyoursmartsort。Ittakesabitofsarcasmtogetthrough’is’ead。

"’Well，’Isays，’you’restillontheoldtrack，Isee，lookingforwork。Takecareyoudon’t’aveanaccidentoneofthesedaysandrunupagenitbeforeyou’vegottimetogetoutofitsway。’

"’It’sthesemiserableforeigners，’’esays。’Lookat’em，’’esays。

"’There’senoughofyoudoingthat，’Isays。’I’vegotmyroomtoputstraightandthreehoursneedleworktodobeforeIcangettobed。Butdon’tletme’inderyou。Youmightforgetwhatworkwaslike，ifyoudidn’ttakeanopportunityofwatchingitnowandthen。’

"’Theycomeover’ere，’’esays，’andtaketheworkawayfromuschaps。’

"’Ah，’Isays，’poorthings，perhapstheyain’tmarried。’

"’Lazydevils！’esays。’Lookat’em，smokingcigarettes。Icoulddothatsortofwork。There’snothinginit。Itdon’ttake’eathenforeignerstodababitoftaraboutaroad。’

"’Yes，’Isays，’youalwayscoulddoanybodyelse’sworkbutyourown。’

"’Ican’tfindit，Martha，’’esays。

"’No，’Isays，’andyouneverwillinthesortofplacesyougolookingforit。Theydon’t’angitoutonlamp—posts，andtheydon’tleaveitaboutatthestreetcorners。Go’ome，’Isays，’andturnthemangleforyourpoorwife。That’sbigenoughforyoutofind，eveninthedark。’

"Lookingforwork！"snortedMrs。Wilkinswithcontempt;"wewomennever’avemuchdifficultyinfindingit，I’venoticed。TherearetimeswhenIfeelIcoulddowithlosingitforaday。"

"Butwhatdidhereply，Mrs。Wilkins，"Iasked;"yourbrass—finishingfriend，whowasholdingforthonthesubjectofChinesecheaplabour。"Mrs。Wilkinsasaconversationalistisnoteasilykepttothepoint。Iwascurioustoknowwhattheworkingclasseswerethinkingonthesubject。

"Oh，that，"repliedMrs。Wilkins，"’edidnotsaynothing。’Eain’tthesortthat’sgotmuchtosayinanargument。’Ebelongstothecrowdthat’angsaboutattheback，anddoestheshouting。Buttherewasanotherof’em，ayoungfellowasIfeelssorryfor，withawifeandthreesmallchildren，who’asn’t’admuchluckforthelastsixmonths;andthatthroughnofaultof’isown，Ishouldsay，fromthelookof’im。’Iwasafool，’says’e，’whenIchuckedagoodsituationandwentouttothewar。TheytoldmeIwasgoingtofightforequalrightsforallwhitemen。Ithoughttheymeantthatallofusweregoingto’aveabetterchance，anditseemedworthmakingabitofsacrificefor，thatdid。Ishouldbegladiftheywouldgivemeajobintheirminesthatwouldenablemetofeedmywifeandchildren。That’sallIaskthemfor！’"

"Itisadifficultproblem，Mrs。Wilkins，"Isaid。"Accordingtothemineowners——"

"Ah，"saidMrs。Wilkins。"Theydon’tseemtobeexactlywhatyou’dcallpopular，themmineowners，dothey？Daresaythey’renotasbadasthey’repainted。"

"Somepeople，Mrs。Wilkins，"Isaid，"paintthemveryblack。TherearethosewhoholdthattheSouthAfricanmine—ownerisnotamanatall，butakindofpantomimedemon。YoutakeGoliath，thewhalethatswallowedJonah，aselectionfromtheleastrespectablecitizensofSodomandGomorrahattheirworst，Bluebeard，BloodyQueenMary，GuyFawkes，andthesea—serpent——or，rather，youtakethemostobjectionableattributesofallthesevariouspersonages，andmixthemuptogether。TheresultistheSouthAfricanmine—owner，amonsterwhowouldwillinglypromoteacompanyfortheputtingonthemarketofanewmeatextract，preparedexclusivelyfromnew—borninfants，providedtheschemepromisedafairandreasonableopportunityoffleecingthewidowandorphan。"

"I’ve’eardthey’reabadlot，"saidMrs。Wilkins。"Butwe’remostofusthat，ifwelistentowhatotherpeoplesayaboutus。"

"Quiteso，Mrs。Wilkins，"Iagreed。"Oneneverarrivesatthetruthbylisteningtoonesideonly。Ontheotherhand，forexample，therearethosewhostoutlymaintainthattheSouthAfricanmine—ownerisakindofspiritualcreature，allheartandsentiment，who，againsthisownwill，hasbeen，sotospeak，dumpeddownuponthisearthastheresultofover—productionupaboveofthehigherclassofarchangel。

Thestockofarchangelsofsuperiorfinishexceedstheheavenlydemand;thesurplushasbeendroppeddownintoSouthAfricaandhastakentomineowning。ItisnotthatthesecelestialvisitorsofGermansoundingnomenclaturecarethemselvesaboutthegold。Theironlydesireis，duringthisearthlypilgrimageoftheirs，tobenefitthehumanrace。Nothingcanbeobtainedinthisworldwithoutmoney—

—"

"That’strue，"saidMrs。Wilkins，withasigh。

"Forgold，everythingcanbeobtained。Theaimofthemine—owningarchangelistoprovidetheworldwithgold。Whyshouldtheworldtroubletogrowthingsandmakethings？’Letus，’saythesearchangels，temporarilydwellinginSouthAfrica，’digupanddistributetotheworldplentyofgold，thentheworldcanbuywhateveritwants，andbehappy。’

"Theremaybeaflawintheargument，Mrs。Wilkins，"Iallowed。"I

amnotpresentingittoyouasthelastworduponthesubject。IammerelyquotingtheviewoftheSouthAfricanmine—owner，feelinghimselfamuchmisunderstoodbenefactorofmankind。"

"Iexpect，"saidMrs。Wilkins，"theyarejusttheordinarysortofChristian，liketherestofus，anxioustodothebesttheycanforthemselves，andnottooparticularastodoingotherpeopleintheprocess。"

"Iaminclinedtothink，Mrs。Wilkins，"Isaid，"thatyouarenotveryfarfromthetruth。Afriendofmine，ayearago，wasverybitteronthissubjectofChinesecheaplabour。AlittlelatertherediedadistantrelativeofhiswholefthimtwentythousandSouthAfricanminingshares。HethinksnowthattoobjecttotheChineseisnarrow—minded，illiberal，andagainstallreligiousteaching。HehasboughtanabridgededitionofConfucius，andtellsmethatthereismuchthatisennoblinginChinesemorality。Indeed，IgatherfromhimthattheintroductionoftheChineseintoSouthAfricawillbethesavingofthatcountry。ThenobleChinesewillaffordanobjectlessontothepoorwhiteman，displayingtohimthevirtuesofsobriety，thrift，andhumility。IalsogatherthatitwillbeofinestimablebenefittothenobleChineehimself。TheChristianmissionarywillgetholdofhiminbulk，sotospeak，andimbuehimwiththehighertheology。Itappearstobeoneofthoserarecaseswhereeverybodyisbenefitedattheexpenseofnobody。Itisalwaysapitytolettheserareopportunitiesslipby。"

"Well，"saidMrs。Wilkins，"I’venothin’tosayagentheChinaman，asaChinaman。Asto’isbeinga’eathen，well，throwin’stonesatachurch，asthesayin’is，don’tmakeaChristianofyou。There’sChristiansI’vemetascouldn’tdothemselvesmuch’armbychangingtheirreligion;andastocleanliness，well，I’venevermetbutone，and’ewasawasherwoman，andI’drather’avesatnextto’iminathird—classcarriageonaBank’Olidaythannexttosomeof’em。

"Seemstome，"continuedMrs。Wilkins，"we’vegotintothe’abitoftalkin’abittoomuchaboutotherpeople’sdirt。TheLondonatmosphereain’tnat’rallyadry—cleanin’processinitself，butthere’sagoodishfewasseemtothinkitis。OnecomesacrossFreebornBritons’ereandthereasI’dbesorrytoscrubcleanforashillin’andfindmyownsoap。"

"Itisauniversalfailing，Mrs。Wilkins，"Iexplained。"IfyoutalktoatravelledFrenchman，hecontraststohisownsatisfactiontheParisouvrierinhisblueblousewiththeappearanceoftheLondonlabourer。"

"Idaresaythey’reallrightaccordingtotheirlights，"saidMrs。

Wilkins，"butitdoesseemabitwrongthatifourownchapsarewillin’andanxioustowork，afterallthey’vedone，too，inthewayofgettingtheminesforus，theyshouldn’tbeallowedthejob。"

"Again，Mrs。Wilkins，itisdifficulttoarriveatajustconclusion，"Isaid。"Themine—owner，accordingtohisenemies，hatestheBritishworkmanwiththenaturalinstinctthatevilcreaturesfeeltowardsthenobleandvirtuous。HewillgototroubleandexpensemerelytospitetheBritishworkman，tokeephimoutofSouthAfrica。Accordingtohisfriends，themine—ownersetshisfaceagainsttheideaofwhitelabourfortworeasons。Firstandforemost，itisnotnicework;themine—ownerhatesthethoughtofhisbelovedwhitebrothertoilinginthemines。Itisnotrightthatthenoblewhitemanshoulddemeanhimselfbysuchwork。Secondly，whitelabouristooexpensive。Iffordigginggoldmenhadtobepaidanythinglikethesamepricestheyarepaidfordiggingcoal，theminescouldnotbeworked。Theworldwouldlosethegoldthatthemine—ownerisanxioustobestowuponit。

"Themine—owner，followinghisowninclinations，wouldtakealittlefarm，growpotatoes，andliveabeautifullife——perhapswritealittlepoetry。Aslavetosenseofduty，heischainedtothephilanthropicworkofgold—mining。Ifwehamperhimandworryhimthedangeristhathewillgetangrywithus——possiblyhewillorderhisfierychariotandreturntowherehecamefrom。"

"Well，’ecan’ttakethegoldwithhim，wherever’egoesto？"arguedMrs。Wilkins。

"Youtalk，Mrs。Wilkins，"Isaid，"asifthegoldwereofmorevaluetotheworldthanisthemine—owner。"

"Well，isn’tit？"demandedMrs。Wilkins。

"It’sanewidea，Mrs。Wilkins，"Ianswered;"itwantsthinkingout。"

HOWTOSOLVETHESERVANTPROBLEM。

"Iamgladtosee，Mrs。Wilkins，"Isaid，"thattheWomen’sDomesticGuildofAmericahassucceededinsolvingtheservantgirlproblem——

nonetoosoon，onemightalmostsay。"

"Ah，"saidMrs。Wilkins，asshetookthecoveroffthebaconandgaveanextrapolishtothemustard—potwithherapron，"theyarecleverpeopleoverthere;leastways，soI’vealways’eard。"

"This，theirlatest，Mrs。Wilkins，"Isaid，"Iaminclinedtoregardastheirgreatesttriumph。MyhopeisthattheWomen’sDomesticGuildofAmerica，whenithasfinishedwiththeUnitedStatesandCanada，will，perhaps，seeitswaytoestablishingabranchinEngland。Thereareladiesofmyacquaintancewhowouldwelcome，I

feelsure，anyreallysatisfactorysolutionoftheproblem。"

"Well，goodlucktoit，isallIsay，"respondedMrs。Wilkins，"andifitmakesallthegalscontentedwiththeirplaces，andallthemistressessatisfiedwithwhatthey’vegotand’appyintheirminds，why，Godblessit，sayI。"

"Themistakehitherto，"Isaid，"fromwhatIread，appearstohavebeenthattherightservantwasnotsenttotherightplace。WhattheWomen’sDomesticGuildofAmericaproposestodoistofindtherightservantfortherightplace。Youseethedifference，don’tyou，Mrs。Wilkins？"

"That’sthesecret，"agreedMrs。Wilkins。Theydon’tanticipateanydifficultyingettingtherightsortofgal，Itakeit？"

"Igathernot，Mrs。Wilkins，"Ireplied。

Mrs。Wilkinsisofapessimisticturnofmind。

"Iamnotsosureaboutit，"shesaid;"theAlmightydon’tseemto’avemadetoomanyofthatsort。UnlesstheseAmericanladiesthatyouspeakofaregoingtostartafactoryoftheirown。Iamafraidthereisdisappointmentinstoreforthem。"

"Don’tthrowcoldwaterontheideabeforeitisfairlystarted，Mrs。

Wilkins，"Ipleaded。

"Well，sir，"saidMrs。Wilkins，"I’avebeenagalmyselfinservice;

andinmytimeI’ve’adafewmistressesofmyown，andI’ve’eardagooddealaboutothers。Thereareladiesandladies，asyoumayknow，sir，andsomeofthem，iftheyaren’texactlyangels，areaboutasneartoitascanbelookedforinthisclimate，andtheyarenottheonesthatdomostofthecomplaining。But，asfortheaveragemistress——wellitain’tagalshewants，it’saplasterimage，withoutanynaturalinnards——asortofthingasain’t’uman，andain’ttobefoundin’umannature。Andthenshe’dgrumbleatit，ifitdidn’t’appentobeabletobeintwoplacesatonce。"

"Youfearthatthestandardforthat’rightgirl’islikelytobesetatrifletoohighMrs。Wilkins，"Isuggested。

"That’rightgal，’accordingtothenotionsofsomeof’em，"retortedMrs。Wilkins，"’erplaceain’tdown’ereamongusmeremortals;’erplaceisupin’eavenwitha’arpandagoldencrown。There’smyniece，Emma，Idon’tsaysheisasaint，butabetter’earted，’arderworkinggal，attwentypoundsayear，youdon’texpecttofind，unlessmaybeyou’reanaturalbornfoolthatcan’t’elpyourself。

Shewantedaplace。She’adbeen’omefornearlysixmonths，nursing’eroldfather，as’adbeendownallthewinterwithrheumaticfever;

and’ard—puttoitshewasforafewclothes。You’ear’emtalkaboutgalsasinsistsonanhouradayforpractisingthepiano，andtherighttoinvitetheiryoungmantospendtheeveningwiththeminthedrawing—room。Perhapsitismeanttobefunny;Iain’tcomeacrossthattypeofgalmyself，outsidethepicturesinthecomicpapers;andI’llneverbelieve，tillIsee’ermyself，thatanybodyelse’as。Theysent’erfromtheregistryofficetoaladyatClapton。

"’I’opeyouaregoodatgettingupearlyinthemorning？’saysthelady，’Ilikeagalasrisescheerfullyto’erwork。’

"’Well，ma’am，’saysEmma，’Ican’tsayasI’vegotapassionforit。

Butit’soneofthosethingsthat’astobedone，andIguessI’velearntthetrick。’

"’I’magreatbelieverinearlyrising，’saysmylady;’inthemorning，oneisalwaysfresherforone’swork;my’usbandandtheyoungerchildrenbreakfastat’arfpastseven;myselfandmyeldestdaughter’aveourbreakfestinbedateight。’

’That’llbeallright，ma’am，’saysEmma。

"’AndI’ope，’saysthelady，’youareofanamiabledisposition。

Somegalswhenyouringthebellcomeuplookingsodisagreeable，onealmostwishesonedidn’twantthem。’

"’Well，itain’tathing，’explainsEmma，’asmakesyouwanttoburstoutlaughing，’earingthebellgooffforthetwentiethtime，and’avingsuddenlytoputdownyourworkat，perhaps，acriticalmoment。

Someladiesdon’tseemabletoreachdowntheir’atforthemselves。’

"’I’opeyouarenotimpertinent，’saysthelady;’ifthere’sonethingthatIobjecttoinaservantitisimpertinence。’

"’Wenoneofuslikebeingansweredback，’saysEmma，’moreparticularlywhenweareinthewrong。ButIknowmyplacema’am，andIshan’tgiveyounolip。Italwaysleadstolesstrouble，I

find，keepingyourmouthshut，ratherthanopeningit。’

"’Areyoufondofchildren，’asksmylady。

"’Itdependsuponthechildren，’saysEmma;’therearesomeI’ave’adtodowithasmadethedayseempleasanter，andI’vecomeacrossothersasIcould’avepartedfromatanymomentwithouttears。’

"’Ilikeagal，’saysthelady，’whoisnaturallyfondofchildren，itshowsagoodcharacter。’

"’Howmanyofthemarethere？’saysEmma。

"’Fourofthem，’answersmylady，’butyouwon’t’avemuchtodoexceptwiththetwoyoungest。Thegreatthingwithyoungchildrenistosurroundthemwithgoodexamples。AreyouaChristian？’asksmylady。

"’That’swhatI’mgenerallycalled，’saysEmma。

"’EveryotherSundayeveningoutismyrule，’saysthelady，’butofcourseIshallexpectyoutogotochurch。’

"’Doyoumeaninmytime，ma’am，’saysEmma，’orinyours。’

"’Imeanonyoureveningofcourse，’saysmylady。’’Owelsecouldyougo？’

"’Well，ma’am，’saysEmma，’Iliketoseemypeoplenowandthen。’

"’Therearebetterthings，’saysmylady，’thanseeingwhatyoucallyourpeople，andIshouldnotcaretotakeagirlintomy’ouseasput’erpleasurebefore’erreligion。Youarenotengaged，I’ope？’

"’Walkingout，ma’am，doyoumean？’saysEmma。’No，ma’am，thereisnobodyI’vegotinmymind——notjustatpresent。’

"’Ineverwilltakeagal，’explainsmylady，’whoisengaged。I

finditdistracts’erattentionfrom’erwork。AndImustinsistifyoucometome，’continuesmylady，’thatyougetyourselfanother’atandjacket。IfthereisonethingIobjecttoinaservantitisadispositiontocheapfinery。’

"’Erowndaughterwassittingtherebeside’erwith’alfadozensilverbangleson’erwrist，andasortofthing’angingaround’erneck，as，’aditbeenreal，would’avebeenworthperhapsathousandpounds。ButEmmawantedajob，soshekept’erthoughtsto’erself。

"’Icanputthesethingsbyandgetmyselfsomethingelse，’shesays，’ifyoudon’tmind，ma’am，advancingmesomethingoutofmyfirstthreemonths’wages。I’mafraidmyaccountatthebankisabitoverdrawn。’

"Theladywhisperedsomethingto’erdaughter。’Iamafraid，onthinkingitover，’shesays，’thatyouwon’tsuit，afterall。Youdon’tlookseriousenough。Ifeelsure，fromthewayyoudoyour’air，’saysmylady，’there’safrivoloussidetoyournature。’

"SoEmmacameaway，andwasnot，onthewhole，toosorry。"

"Butdotheygetservantstocometothem，thistypeofmistress，doyouthink，Mrs。Wilkins？"Iasked。

"Theygetthemallright，"saidMrs。Wilkins，"andifit’sadecentgal，itmakesabadgalof’er，thateverafterwardslooksuponeverymistressas’erenemy，andactsaccordingly。Andifsheain’tanaturallygoodgal，itmakes’erworse，andthenyou’earwhatawfulthingsgalsare。Idon’tsayit’saneasyproblem，"continuedMrs。

Wilkins，"it’sjustlikemarriages。Thegoodmistressgets’oldofthebadservant，andthebadmistress，asoftenasnotislucky。"

"Buthowisit，"Iargued，"thatinhotels，forinstance，theserviceisexcellent，andthegirls，generallyspeaking，seemcontented？Theworkishard，andthewagesnotmuchbetter，ifasgood。"

"Ah，"saidMrs。Wilkins，"you’ave’ittherightnailonthe’ead，there，sir。Theygointothe’otelsandworklikeniggers，knowingthatifasinglethinggoeswrongtheywillbebully—raggedandswornattilltheydon’tknowwhethertheyarestandingontheir’eadortheir’eels。Butthey’avetheirhours;thegalknowswhen’erworkisdone，andwhentheclockstrikessheisa’umanbeingonceagain。

She’asgotthatmomenttolookforwardtoallday，anditkeeps’ergoing。Inprivateservicethere’snomomentinthedayto’opefor。

Iftheladyisreasonablesheain’toverworked;butno’owcansheeverfeelsheisherownmistress，freetocomeandgo，towear’erbitoffinery，to’ave’erbitoffun。Sheworksfromsixinthemorningtillelevenortwelveatnight，andthensheonlygoestobedprovidedsheain’twanted。Shedon’tbelongto’erselfatall;it’sthatthatirritatesthem。"

"Iseeyourpoint，Mrs。Wilkins，"Isaid，"and，ofcourse，inahousewheretwoorthreeservantswerekeptsomesuchplanmighteasilybearranged。Thegirlwhocommencedworkatsixo’clockinthemorningmightconsiderherselffreeatsixo’clockintheevening。Whatshedidwithherself，howshedressedherselfinherowntime，wouldbeheraffair。Whatchurchtheclerkortheworkmanbelongsto，whatcompanyhekeeps，isnoconcernofthefirm。Insuchmatters，mistresses，Iaminclinedtothink，saddlethemselveswitharesponsibilityforwhichthereisnoneed。Ifthegirlbehavesherselfwhileinthehouse，anddoesherwork，therethecontractends。Themistresswhothinksitherdutytocombinetherolesofemployerandofmaidenauntisnaturallyresented。Thenextmonththegirlmightchangeherhoursfromtwelvetotwelve，andherfellow—servantcouldenjoythesixa。m。tosixp。m。shift。Buthowdoyouproposetodeal，Mrs。Wilkins，withthesmallermenage，thatemploysonlyoneservant？"

"Well，sir，"saidMrs。Wilkins，"itseemstomesimpleenough。

Ladiestalkprettyaboutthedignityoflabour，andarenevertiredofpointingoutwhygalsshouldpreferdomesticservicetoallotherkindsofwork。Supposetheypractisewhattheypreach。Inthe’ouse，wherethere’sonlythemasterandthemistress，and，sayacoupleofsmallchildren，lettheladytakeherturn。Afterall，it’sonlyherduty，sameastheofficeortheshopistheman’s。

Where，ontheother’and，therearebiggishboysandgalsabouttheplace，wellitwouldn’tdothemany’armtobetaughttoplayalittleless，andtolookafterthemselvesalittlemore。It’sjustarrangingthings——that’sallthat’swanted。"

"YouremindmeofafamilyIonceknew，Mrs。Wilkins，"Isaid;"itconsistedoftheusualfatherandmother，andoffivesad，healthygirls。Theykepttwoservants——or，rather，theyneverkeptanyservants;theylivedalwayslookingforservants，breakingtheirheartsoverservants，packingservantsoffatamoment’snotice，standingdisconsolatelylookingafterservantswhohadpackedthemselvesoffatamoment’snotice，wonderinggenerallywhattheworldwascomingtoo。Itoccurredtomeatthetime，thatwithoutmuchtrouble，theycouldhavelivedapeacefullifewithoutservants。

Theeldestgirlwaslearningpainting——andseemedunabletolearnanythingelse。Itwaspoorsortofpainting;shenoticeditherself。

Butsheseemedtothinkthat，ifshetalkedalotaboutit，andthoughtofnothingelse，thatsomehowitwouldallcomeright。Thesecondgirlplayedtheviolin。Sheplayeditfromearlymorningtilllateevening，andfriendsfellawayfromthem。Therewasn’tasparkoftalentinthefamily，buttheyallhadanotionthatavaguelongingtobeadmiredwasjustthesameasgenius。

"Anotherdaughterfanciedshewouldliketobeanactress，andscreamedalldayintheattic。Thefourthwrotepoetryonatypewriter，andwonderedwhynobodyseemedtowantit;whilethefifthonesufferedfromaweirdbeliefthatsmearingwoodwithared—

hotsortofpokerwasathingworthdoingforitsownsake。Allofthemseemedwillingenoughtowork，providedonlythatitwasworkofnousetoanylivingsoul。Withalittlesense，andtheoccasionalassistanceofacharwoman，theycouldhaveledamerrierlife。"

"IfIwasgivingawaysecrets，"saidMrs。Wilkins，"I’dsaytothemistresses：’Showyourselvesabletobeindependent。’It’sbecausethegalsknowthatthemistressescan’tdowithoutthemthattheysometimesgivesthemselvesairs。"

WHYWEHATETHEFOREIGNER。

TheadvantagethattheforeignerpossessesovertheEnglishmanisthatheisborngood。Hedoesnothavetotrytobegood，aswedo。

HedoesnothavetostarttheNewYearwiththeresolutiontobegood，andsucceed，baraccidents，inbeingsotillthemiddleofJanuary。Heisjustgoodalltheyearround。Whenaforeigneristoldtomountordescendfromatramonthenearside，itdoesnotoccurtohimthatitwouldbehumanlypossibletosecureegressfromoringresstothattramfromtheoffside。

InBrusselsonceIwitnessedadaringattemptbyalawlessforeignertoenteratramfromthewrongside。Thegatewasopen：hewasstandingclosebesideit。Alineoftrafficwasinhisway：tohavegotroundtotherightsideofthattramwouldhavemeantmissingit。

Heenteredwhentheconductorwasnotlooking，andtookhisseat。

Theastonishmentoftheconductoronfindinghimtherewasimmense。

Howdidhegetthere？Theconductorhadbeenwatchingtheproperentrance，andthemanhadnotpassedhim。Later，thetrueexplanationsuggesteditselftotheconductor，butforawhilehehesitatedtoaccuseafellowhumanbeingofsuchcrime。

Heappealedtothepassengerhimself。Washispresencetobeaccountedforbymiracleorbysin？Thepassengerconfessed。Itwasmoreinsorrowthaninangerthattheconductorrequestedhimatoncetoleave。Thistramwasgoingtobekeptrespectable。Thepassengerprovedrefractory，ahaltwascalled，andthegendarmerieappealedto。Afterthemannerofpolicemen，theysprang，asitwere，fromtheground，andformedupbehindanimposingofficer，whomItooktobethesergeant。Atfirstthesergeantcouldhardlybelievetheconductor’sstatement。Eventhen，hadthepassengerassertedthathehadenteredbytheproperentrance，hiswordwouldhavebeentaken。

Mucheasiertotheforeignofficialmindwouldithavebeentobelievethattheconductorhadbeenstrickenwithtemporaryblindness，thanthatmanbornofwomanwouldhavedeliberatelydoneanythingexpresslyforbiddenbyaprintednotice。

Myself，inhiscase，Ishouldhaveliedandgotthetroubleover。

Buthewasaproudman，orhadnotmuchsense——oneofthetwo，andsoheldfasttothetruth。Itwaspointedouttohimthathemustdescendimmediatelyandwaitforthenexttram。Othergendarmeswerearrivingfromeveryquarter：resistanceinthecircumstancesseemedhopeless。Hesaidhewouldgetdown。Hemadetodescendthistimebythepropergate，butthatwasnotjustice。Hehadmountedthewrongside，hemustalightonthewrongside。Accordingly，hewasputoutamongstthetraffic，afterwhichtheconductorpreachedasermonfromthecentreofthetramonthedangerofascentsanddescentsconductedfromthewrongquarter。

ThereisalawthroughoutGermany——anexcellentlawitis：IwouldwehaditinEngland——thatnobodymayscatterpaperaboutthestreet。

AnEnglishmilitaryfriendtoldmethat，onedayinDresden，unacquaintedwiththisrule，hetorealongletterhehadbeenreadingintosomefiftyfragmentsandthrewthembehindhim。A

policemanstoppedhimandexplainedtohimquitepolitelythelawuponthesubject。Mymilitaryfriendagreedthatitwasaverygoodlaw，thankedthemanforhisinformation，andsaidthatforthefuturehewouldbearitinmind。That，asthepolicemanpointedout，wouldmakethingsrightenoughforthefuture，butmeanwhileitwasnecessarytodealwiththepast——withthefiftyorsopiecesofpaperlyingscatteredabouttheroadandpavement。

Mymilitaryfriend，withapleasantlaugh，confessedhedidnotseewhatwastobedone。Thepoliceman，moreimaginative，sawawayout。

Itwasthatmymilitaryfriendshouldsettoworkandpickupthosefiftyscrapsofpaper。HeisanEnglishGeneralontheRetiredList，andofimposingappearance：hismanneronoccasionishaughty。HedidnotseehimselfonhishandsandkneesinthechiefstreetofDresden，inthemiddleoftheafternoon，pickinguppaper。

TheGermanpolicemanhimselfadmittedthatthesituationwasawkward。

IftheEnglishGeneralcouldnotacceptittherehappenedtobeanalternative。ItwasthattheEnglishGeneralshouldaccompanythepolicemanthroughthestreets，followedbytheusualcrowd，tothenearestprison，somethreemilesoff。Itbeingnowfouro’clockintheafternoon，theywouldprobablyfindthejudgedeparted。Butthemostcomfortablethingpossibleinprisoncellsshouldbeallottedtohim，andthepolicemanhadlittledoubtthattheGeneral，havingpaidhisfineoffortymarks，wouldfindhimselfafreemanagainintimeforlunchthefollowingday。Thegeneralsuggestedhiringaboytopickupthepaper。Thepolicemanreferredtothewordingofthelaw，andfoundthatthiswouldnotbepermitted。

"Ithoughtthematterout，"myfriendtoldme，"imaginingallthepossiblealternatives，includingthatofknockingthefellowdownandmakingabolt，andcametotheconclusionthathisfirstsuggestionwould，onthewhole，resultintheleastdiscomfort。ButIhadnoideathatpickingupsmallscrapsofthinpaperoffgreasystoneswasthebusinessthatIfoundit！Ittookmenearlytenminutes，andaffordedamusement，Icalculate，tooverathousandpeople。Butitisagoodlaw，mindyou：allIwishisthatIhadknownitbeforehand。"

OnoneoccasionIaccompaniedanAmericanladytoaGermanOperaHouse。Thetaking—offofhatsintheGermanSchausspielhausisobligatory，andagainIwoulditweresoinEngland。ButtheAmericanladyisaccustomedtodisregardrulesmadebymereman。Sheexplainedtothedoorkeeperthatshewasgoingtowearherhat。He，onhisside，explainedtoherthatshewasnot：theywerebothabitshortwithoneanother。Itooktheopportunitytoturnasideandbuyaprogramme：thefewerpeopletherearemixedupinanargument，I

alwaysthink，thebetter。

Mycompanionexplainedquitefranklytothedoorkeeperthatitdidnotmatterwhathesaid，shewasnotgoingtotakeanynoticeofhim。

Hedidnotlookatalkativemanatanytime，and，maybe，thisannouncementfurtherdiscouragedhim。Inanycase，hemadenoattempttoanswer。Allhedidwastostandinthecentreofthedoorwaywithafar—awaylookinhiseyes。Thedoorwaywassomefourfeetwide：hewasaboutthreefeetsixacross，andweighedabouttwentystone。AsIexplained，Iwasbusybuyingaprogramme，andwhenIreturnedmyfriendhadherhatinherhand，andwasdiggingpinsintoit：Ithinkshewastryingtomakebelieveitwastheheartofthedoorkeeper。Shedidnotwanttolistentotheopera，shewantedtotalkallthetimeaboutthatdoorkeeper，butthepeoplerounduswouldnotevenletherdothat。

ShehasspentthreewintersinGermanysincethen。Nowwhenshefeelslikepassingthroughadoorthatisstandingwideopenjustinfrontofher，andwhichleadstojusttheplaceshewantstogetto，andanofficialshakeshisheadather，andexplainsthatshemustnot，butmustgouptwoflightsofstairsandalongacorridoranddownanotherflightofstairs，andsogettoherplacethatway，sheapologisesforhererrorandtrotsofflookingashamedofherself。

ContinentalGovernmentshavetrainedtheircitizenstoperfection。

ObedienceistheContinent’sfirstlaw。ThestorythatistoldofaSpanishkingwhowasnearlydrownedbecausetheparticularofficialwhosedutyitwastodiveinafterSpanishkingswhentheytumbledoutofboatshappenedtobedead，andhissuccessorhadnotyetbeenappointed，Icanquitebelieve。OntheContinentalrailwaysifyouridesecondclasswithafirst—classticketyourenderyourselfliabletoimprisonment。Whatthepenaltyisforridingfirstwithasecond—classticketIcannotsay——probablydeath，thoughafriendofminecameverynearononeoccasiontofindingout。

Allwouldhavegonewellwithhimifhehadnotbeensodarnedhonest。Heisoneofthosemenwhopridethemselvesonbeinghonest。

Ibelievehetakesapositivepleasureinbeinghonest。Hehadpurchasedasecond—classticketforastationupamountain，butmeeting，bychanceontheplatform，aladyacquaintance，hadgonewithherintoafirst—classapartment。Onarrivingatthejourney’sendheexplainedtothecollectorwhathehaddone，and，withhispurseinhishand，demandedtoknowthedifference。Theytookhimintoaroomandlockedthedoor。Theywroteouthisconfessionandreaditovertohim，andmadehimsignit，andthentheysentforapoliceman。

Thepolicemancross—examinedhimforaboutaquarterofanhour。

Theydidnotbelievethestoryaboutthelady。Wherewasthelady？

Hedidnotknow。Theysearchedtheneighbourhoodforher，butcouldnotfindher。Hesuggested——whatturnedouttobethetruth——that，tiredofloiteringaboutthestation，shehadgoneupthemountain。

AnAnarchistoutragehadoccurredintheneighbouringtownsomemonthsbefore。Thepolicemansuggestedsearchingforbombs。

Fortunately，aCook’sagent，returningwithapartyoftourists，arriveduponthescene，andtookituponhimselftoexplainindelicatelanguagethatmyfriendwasabitofanassandcouldnottellfirstclassfromsecond。Itwastheredcushionsthathaddeceivedmyfriend：hethoughtitwasfirstclass，asamatteroffactitwassecondclass。

Everybodybreathedagain。Theconfessionwastornupamiduniversaljoy：andthenthefoolofaticketcollectorwantedtoknowaboutthelady——whomusthavetravelledinasecond—classcompartmentwithafirst—classticket。Itlookedasifabadtimewereinstoreforheronherreturntothestation。

ButtheadmirablerepresentativeofCookwasagainequaltotheoccasion。Heexplainedthatmyfriendwasalsoabitofaliar。

Whenhesaidhehadtravelledwiththisladyhewasmerelyboasting。

Hewouldliketohavetravelledwithher，thatwasallhemeant，onlyhisGermanwasshaky。Joyoncemoreentereduponthescene。Myfriend’scharacterappearedtobere—established。Hewasnottheabandonedwretchforwhomtheyhadtakenhim——only，apparently，awanderingidiot。SuchanonetheGermanofficialcouldrespect。AttheexpenseofsuchanonetheGermanofficialevenconsentedtodrinkbeer。

Notonlytheforeignman，womanandchild，buttheforeigndogisborngood。InEngland，ifyouhappentobethepossessorofadog，muchofyourtimeistakenupdragginghimoutoffights，quarrellingwiththepossessoroftheotherdogastowhichbeganit，explainingtoirateelderlyladiesthathedidnotkillthecat，thatthecatmusthavediedofheartdiseasewhilerunningacrosstheroad，assuringdisbelievinggame—keepersthatheisnotyourdog，thatyouhavenotthefaintestnotionwhosedogheis。Withtheforeigndog，lifeisapeacefulproceeding。Whentheforeigndogseesarow，tearsspringtohiseyes：hehastensonandtriestofindapoliceman。Whentheforeigndogseesacatinahurry，hestandsasidetoallowhertopass。Theydresstheforeigndog——someofthem——inalittlecoat，withapocketforhishandkerchief，andputshoesonhisfeet。Theyhavenotgivenhimahat——notyet。Whentheydo，hewillcontrivebysomemeansoranothertoraiseitpolitelywhenhemeetsacathethinksheknows。

Onemorning，inaContinentalcity，Icameacrossadisturbance——itmightbemorecorrecttosaythedisturbancecameacrossme：itsweptdownuponme，envelopedmebeforeIknewthatIwasinit。A

fox—terrieritwas，belongingtoaveryyounglady——itwaswhenthedisturbancewastoacertainextentoverthatwediscoveredhebelongedtothisyounglady。Shearrivedtowardstheendofthedisturbance，verymuchoutofbreath：shehadbeenrunningforamile，poorgirl，andshoutingmostoftheway。Whenshelookedroundandsawallthethingsthathadhappened，andhadhadotherthingsthatshehadmissedexplainedtoher，sheburstintotears。AnEnglishownerofthatfox—terrierwouldhavegivenonelookroundandthenhavejumpeduponthenearesttramgoinganywhere。But，asI

havesaid，theforeignerisborngood。Ilefthergivinghernameandaddresstosevendifferentpeople。

ButitwasaboutthedogIwishedtospeakmoreparticularly。Hehadcommencedinnocentlyenough，tryingtocatchasparrow。Nothingdelightsasparrowmorethanbeingchasedbyadog。Adozentimeshethoughthehadthesparrow。Thenanotherdoghadgotinhisway。I

don’tknowwhattheycallthisbreedofdog，butabroaditispopular：ithasnotailandlookslikeapig——whenthingsaregoingwellwithit。Thisparticularspecimen，whenIsawhim，lookedmorelikepartofadoormat。Thefox—terrierhadseizeditbythescruffoftheneckandhadrolleditoverintothegutterjustinfrontofamotorcycle。Itsowner，alargelady，haddartedouttosaveit，andhadcollidedwiththemotorcyclist。ThelargeladyhadbeenthrownsomehalfadozenyardsagainstanItalianboycarryingatrayloadofplasterimages。

Ihaveseenagooddealoftroubleinmylife，butneveroneyetthatdidnothaveanItalianimage—vendorsomehoworothermixedupinit。

Wheretheseboyshideintimesofpeaceisamystery。Thechanceofbeingupsetbringsthemoutassunshinebringsoutflies。Themotorcyclehaddashedintoalittlemilk—cartandhadspreaditoutneatlyinthemiddleofthetramlines。Thetramtrafficlookedlikebeingstoppedforaquarterofanhour;buttheideaofeveryapproachingtramdriverappearedtobethatifheranghisbellwithsufficientvigorthisseemingobstructionwouldfadeawayanddisappear。

InanEnglishtownallthiswouldnothaveattractedmuchattention。

Somebodywouldhaveexplainedthatadogwastheoriginalcause，andthewholeseriesofeventswouldhaveappearedordinaryandnatural。

UpontheseforeignersthefeardescendedthattheAlmighty，forsomereason，wasangrywiththem。Apolicemanrantocatchthedog。

Thedelighteddogrushedbackwards，barkingfuriously，andtriedtothrowuppavingstoneswithitshindlegs。Thatfrightenedanursemaidwhowaswheelingaperambulator，andthenitwasthatI

enteredintotheproceedings。Seatedontheedgeofthepavement，withaperambulatorononesideofmeandahowlingbabyontheother，ItoldthatdogwhatIthoughtofhim。

ForgetfulthatIwasinaforeignland——thathemightnotunderstandme——ItoldithiminEnglish，Itoldithimatlength，Itolditveryloudandclear。Hestoodayardinfrontofme，listeningtomewithanexpressionofecstaticjoyIhaveneverbeforeorsinceseenequalledonanyface，humanorcanine。HedrankitinasthoughithadbeenmusicfromParadise。

"WherehaveIheardthatsongbefore？"heseemedtobesayingtohimself，"theoldfamiliarlanguagetheyusedtotalktomewhenI

wasyoung？"

Heapproachednearertome;therewerealmosttearsinhiseyeswhenIhadfinished。

"Sayitagain！"heseemedtobeaskingofme。"Oh！sayitalloveragain，thedearoldEnglishoathsandcursesthatinthisGod—

forsakenlandIneverhopedtohearagain。"

IlearntfromtheyoungladythathewasanEnglish—bornfox—terrier。

Thatexplainedeverything。Theforeigndogdoesnotdothissortofthing。Theforeignerisborngood：thatiswhywehatehim。