第4章

OneneedstosaveupbeforehandifonedesirestospendanylengthoftimeinHolland。OnetalksofdearoldEngland，butthedearestlandinalltheworldislittleHolland。TheflorinthereisequaltothefrancinFranceandtotheshillinginEngland。TheytellyouthatcigarsarecheapinHolland。AcheapDutchcigarwilllastyouaday。Itisnotuntilyouhaveforgottenthetasteofitthatyoufeelyoueverwanttosmokeagain。IknewamanwhoreckonedthathehadsavedhundredsofpoundsbysmokingDutchcigarsforamonthsteadily。Itwasyearsbeforeheagainventuredontobacco。

WatchingbuildingoperationsinHollandbringshometoyouforcibly，whatpreviouslyyouhaveregardedasameaninglessformula——namely，thatthecountryisbuiltuponpiles。Adozenfeetbelowthelevelofthestreetoneseesthelabourersworkinginfishermen’sbootsuptotheirkneesinwater，drivingthegreatwoodenblocksintothemud。Manyoftheolderhousesslopeforwardatsuchananglethatyoualmostfeartopassbeneaththem。Ishouldbeasnervousasakitten，livinginoneoftheupperstoreys。ButtheDutchmanleansoutofawindowthatishangingabovethestreetsixfeetbeyondtheperpendicular，andsmokescontentedly。

TheyhaveamerrycustominHollandofkeepingtherailwaytimetwentyminutesaheadofthetowntime——orisittwentyminutesbehind？InevercanrememberwhenI’mthere，andIamnotsurenow。

TheDutchmanhimselfneverknows。

"You’veplentyoftime，"hesays"Butthetraingoesatten，"yousay;"thestationisamileaway，anditisnowhalf—pastnine。"

"Yes，butthatmeansten—twenty，"heanswers，"youhavenearlyanhour。"

Fiveminuteslaterhetapsyouontheshoulder。

"Mymistake，it’stwentytoten。Iwasthinkingitwastheotherwayabout。"

Anotherargueswithhimthathisfirstideawasright。Theyworkitoutbyscientificmethods。Meanwhileyouhavedivedintoacab。Theresultisalwaysthesame：youareeitherfortyminutestoosoon，oryouhavemissedthetrainbytwentyminutes。ADutchplatformisalwayscrowdedwithwomenexplainingvolublytotheirhusbandseitherthattherewasnotanyneedtohavehurried，orelsethatthethingwouldhavebeentohavestartedhalfanhourbeforetheydid，themaninbothcasesbeing，ofcourse，toblame。Themenwalkupanddownandswear。

Theideahasbeensuggestedthattherailwaytimeandthetowntimeshouldbemadetoconform。TheargumentagainsttheideaisthatifitwerecarriedouttherewouldbenothinglefttoputtheDutchmanoutandworryhim。

SHOULDWESAYWHATWETHINK，ORTHINKWHATWESAY？

AmadfriendofminewillhaveitthatthecharacteristicoftheageisMake—Believe。Hearguesthatallsocialintercourseisfoundedonmake—believe。AservantenterstosaythatMr。andMrs。Boreareinthedrawing—room。

"Oh，damn！"saystheman。

"Hush！"saysthewoman。"Shutthedoor，Susan。HowoftenamItotellyounevertoleavethedooropen？"

Themancreepsupstairsontiptoeandshutshimselfinhisstudy。

Thewomandoesthingsbeforealooking—glass，waitstillshefeelssheissufficientlymistressofherselfnottoshowherfeelings，andthenentersthedrawing—roomwithoutstretchedhandsandthelookofonewelcominganangel’svisit。ShesayshowdelightedsheistoseetheBores——howgooditwasofthemtocome。WhydidtheynotbringmoreBoreswiththem？WhereisnaughtyBorejunior？Whydoeshenevercometoseehernow？Shewillhavetobereallyangrywithhim。AndsweetlittleFlossieBore？Tooyoungtopaycalls！

Nonsense。An"AtHome"dayisnotworthhavingwherealltheBoresarenot。

TheBores，whohadhopedthatshewasout——whohaveonlycalledbecausetheetiquettebooktoldthemthattheymustcallatleastfourtimesintheseason，explainhowtheyhavebeentryingandtryingtocome。

"Thisafternoon，"recountsMrs。Bore，"weweredeterminedtocome。

’John，dear，’Isaidthismorning，’IshallgoandseedearMrs。

Bounderthisafternoon，nomatterwhathappens。’"

TheideaconveyedisthatthePrinceofWales，oncallingattheBores，wastoldthathecouldnotcomein。Hemightcallagainintheeveningorcomesomeotherday。

ThatafternoontheBoresweregoingtoenjoythemselvesintheirownway;theyweregoingtoseeMrs。Bounder。

"AndhowisMr。Bounder？"demandsMrs。Bore。

Mrs。Bounderremainsmuteforamoment，strainingherears。Shecanhearhimcreepingpastthedooronhiswaydownstairs。Shehearsthefrontdoorsoftlyopenedandclosed—to。Shewakes，asfromadream。

ShehasbeenthinkingofthesorrowthatwillfallonBounderwhenhereturnshomelaterandlearnswhathehasmissed。

Andthusitis，notonlywiththeBoresandBounders，butevenwithuswhoarenotBoresorBounders。Societyinallranksisfoundedonthemake—believethateverybodyischarming;thatwearedelightedtoseeeverybody;thateverybodyisdelightedtoseeus;thatitissogoodofeverybodytocome;thatwearedesolateatthethoughtthattheyreallymustgonow。

Whichwouldweratherdo——stopandfinishourcigarorhastenintothedrawing—roomtohearMissScreechersing？Canyouaskus？Wetumbleovereachotherinourhurry。MissScreecherwouldreallyrathernotsing;butifweinsist——Wedoinsist。MissScreecher，withprettyreluctance，consents。Wearecarefulnottolookatoneanother。Wesitwithoureyesfixedontheceiling。MissScreecherfinishes，andrises。

"Butitwassoshort，"wesay，sosoonaswecanbeheardabovetheapplause。IsMissScreecherquitesurethatwasthewholeofit？Orhasshebeenplayingtricksuponus，thenaughtylady，defraudingusofaverse？MissScreecherassuresusthatthefaultisthecomposer’s。Butsheknowsanother。Atthishint，ourfaceslightenagainwithgladness。Weclamourformore。

Ourhost’swineisalwaysthemostextraordinarywehaveevertasted。

No，notanotherglass;wedarenot——doctor’sorders，verystrict。

Ourhost’scigar！Wedidnotknowtheymadesuchcigarsinthisworkadayworld。No，wereallycouldnotsmokeanother。Well，ifhewillbesopressing，mayweputitinourpocket？Thetruthis，wearenotusedtohighsmoking。Ourhostess’scoffee！Wouldsheconfidetoushersecret？Thebaby！Wehardlytrustourselvestospeak。Theusualbaby——wehaveseenit。Asarule，tobecandid，wenevercoulddetectmuchbeautyinbabies——havealwaysheldtheusualgushaboutthemtobeinsincere。Butthisbaby！Wearealmostonthepointofaskingthemwheretheygotit。Itisjustthekindwewantedforourselves。LittleJanet’srecitation："AVisittotheDentist！"Hithertotheamateurreciterhasnotappealedtous。Butthisisgenius，surely。Sheoughttobetrainedforthestage。Hermotherdoesnotaltogetherapproveofthestage。Wepleadforthestage——thatitmaynotbedeprivedofsuchtalent。

Everybrideisbeautiful。Everybridelookscharminginasimplecostumeof——forfurtherparticularsseelocalpapers。Everymarriageisacauseforuniversalrejoicing。Withourwine—glassinourhandwepicturetheideallifeweknowtobeinstoreforthem。Howcanitbeotherwise？She，thedaughterofhermother。（Cheers。）He——

well，weallknowhim。（Morecheers。）Alsoinvoluntaryguffawfromill—regulatedyoungmanatendoftable，promptlysuppressed。

Wecarryourmake—believeevenintoourreligion。Wesitinchurch，andinvoicesswellingwithpride，mentiontotheAlmighty，atstatedintervals，thatwearemiserableworms——thatthereisnogoodinus。

Thissortofthing，wegather，isexpectedofus;itdoesusnoharm，andissupposedtoplease。

Wemake—believethateverywomanisgood，thateverymanishonest——

untiltheyinsistonforcingus，againstourwill，toobservethattheyarenot。Thenwebecomeveryangrywiththem，andexplaintothemthatthey，beingsinners，arenotfolkfittomixwithusperfectpeople。Ourgrief，whenourrichauntdies，ishardlytobeborne。Drapersmakefortunes，helpingustoexpressfeeblyourdesolation。Ouronlyconsolationisthatshehasgonetoabetterworld。

Everybodygoestoabetterworldwhentheyhavegotalltheycanoutofthisone。

Westandaroundtheopengraveandtelleachotherso。Theclergymanissoassuredofitthat，tosavetime，theyhavewrittenouttheformulaforhimandhaditprintedinalittlebook。Asachilditusedtosurpriseme——thisfactthateverybodywenttoheaven。

Thinkingofallthepeoplethathaddied，Ipicturedtheplaceovercrowded。AlmostIfeltsorryfortheDevil，nobodyevercominghisway，sotospeak。Isawhiminimagination，alonelyoldgentleman，sittingathisgatedayafterday，hopingagainsthope，mutteringtohimselfmaybethatithardlyseemedworthwhile，fromhispointofview，keepingtheshowopen。AnoldnursewhomIoncetookintomyconfidencewassure，ifIcontinuedtalkinginthissortofway，thathewouldgetmeanyhow。Imusthavebeenanevil—

heartedyoungster。Thethoughtofhowhewouldwelcomeme，theonlyhumanbeingthathehadseenforyears，hadacertainfascinationforme;foronceinmyexistenceIshouldbemadeafussabout。

Ateverypublicmeetingthechiefspeakerisalways"ajollygoodfellow。"ThemanfromMars，readingournewspapers，wouldbeconvincedthateveryMemberofParliamentwasajovial，kindly，high—

hearted，generous—souledsaint，withjustsufficienthumanityinhimtopreventtheangelsfromcarryinghimoffbodily。Donottheentireaudience，movedbyonecommonimpulse，declarehimthreetimesrunning，andinstentorianvoice，tobethis"jollygoodfellow"？Sosayallofthem。Wehavealwayslistenedwiththemostintensepleasuretothebrilliantspeechofourfriendwhohasjustsatdown。

Whenyouthoughtwewereyawning，weweredrinkinginhiseloquence，open—mouthed。

Thehigheroneascendsinthesocialscale，thewiderbecomesthisnecessarybaseofmake—believe。Whenanythingsadhappenstoaverybigperson，thelesserpeopleroundabouthimhardlycaretogoonliving。Seeingthattheworldissomewhatoverstockedwithpersonsofimportance，andthatsomethingoranothergenerallyishappeningtothem，onewonderssometimeshowitistheworldcontinuestoexist。

Onceuponatimethereoccurredanillnesstoacertaingoodandgreatman。Ireadinmydailypaperthatthewholenationwasplungedingrief。Peopledininginpublicrestaurants，onbeingtoldthenewsbythewaiter，droppedtheirheadsuponthetableandsobbed。Strangers，meetinginthestreet，flungtheirarmsaboutoneanotherandcriedlikelittlechildren。Iwasabroadatthetime，butonthepointofreturninghome。Ialmostfeltashamedtogo。I

lookedatmyselfintheglass，andwasshockedatmyownappearance：

itwasthatofamanwhohadnotbeenintroubleforweeks。Ifeltthattoburstuponthisgrief—strickennationwithacountenancesuchasminewouldbetoaddtotheirsorrow。ItwasborneinuponmethatImusthaveashallow，egotisticalnature。IhadhadluckwithaplayinAmerica，andforthelifeofmeIcouldnotlookgrief—

stricken。Thereweremomentswhen，ifIwasnotkeepingawatchovermyself，Ifoundmyselfwhistling。

HaditbeenpossibleIwouldhaveremainedabroadtillsomestrokeofill—fortunehadrenderedmemoreintunewithmyfellow—countrymen。

Butbusinesswaspressing。ThefirstmanItalkedtoonDoverpierwasaCustomsHouseofficial。Youmighthavethoughtsorrowwouldhavemadehimindifferenttoamerematterofforty—eightcigars。

Insteadofwhich，heappearedquitepleasedwhenhefoundthem。Hedemandedthree—and—fourpence，andchuckledwhenhegotit。OnDoverplatformalittlegirllaughedbecausealadydroppedahandboxonadog;butthenchildrenarealwayscallous——or，perhaps，shehadnotheardthenews。

Whatastonishedmemost，however，wastofindintherailwaycarriagearespectablelookingmanreadingacomicjournal。True，hedidnotlaughmuch：hehadgotdecencyenoughforthat;butwhatwasagrief—strickencitizendoingwithacomicjournal，anyhow？BeforeI

hadbeeninLondonanhourIhadcometotheconclusionthatweEnglishmustbeapeopleofwonderfulself—control。Thedaybefore，accordingtothenewspapers，thewholecountrywasinseriousdangerofpiningawayanddyingofabrokenheart。Inonedaythenationhadpulleditselftogether。"Wehavecriedallday，"theyhadsaidtothemselves，"wehavecriedallnight。Itdoesnotseemtohavedonemuchgood。Nowletusonceagaintakeuptheburdenoflife。"

Someofthem——Inoticeditinthehoteldining—roomthatevening——

weretakingquitekindlytotheirfoodagain。

Wemakebelieveaboutquiteseriousthings。Inwar，eachcountry’ssoldiersarealwaysthemostcourageousintheworld。Theothercountry’ssoldiersarealwaystreacherousandtricky;thatiswhytheysometimeswin。Literatureistheartofmake—believe。

"Nowallofyousitroundandthrowyourpenniesinthecap，"saystheauthor，"andIwillpretendthattherelivesinBayswaterayoungladynamedAngelina，whoisthemostbeautifulyoungladythateverexisted。AndinNottingHill，wewillpretend，thereresidesayoungmannamedEdwin，whoisinlovewithAngelina。"

Andthen，therebeingsufficientpenniesinthecap，theauthorstartsaway，andpretendsthatAngelinathoughtthisandsaidthat，andthatEdwindidallsortsofwonderfulthings。Weknowheismakingitallupashegoesalong。Weknowheismakingupjustwhathethinkswillpleaseus。He，ontheotherhand，hastomake—believethatheisdoingitbecausehecannothelpit，hebeinganartist。

Butweknowwellenoughthat，werewetostopthrowingthepenniesintothecap，hewouldfindoutprecioussoonthathecould。

Thetheatricalmanagerbangshisdrum。

"Walkup！walkup！"hecries，"wearegoingtopretendthatMrs。

Johnsonisaprincess，andoldmanJohnsonisgoingtopretendtobeapirate。Walkup，walkup，andbeintime！"

SoMrs。Johnson，pretendingtobeaprincess，comesoutofawobblythingthatweagreetopretendisacastle;andoldmanJohnson，pretendingtobeapirate，ispushedupanddownonanotherwobblythingthatweagreetopretendistheocean。Mrs。Johnsonpretendstobeinlovewithhim，whichweknowsheisnot。AndJohnsonpretendstobeaveryterribleperson;andMrs。Johnsonpretends，tilleleveno’clock，tobelieveit。Andwepayprices，varyingfromashillingtohalf—a—sovereign，tositfortwohoursandlistentothem。

ButasIexplainedatthebeginning，myfriendisamadsortofperson。

ISTHEAMERICANHUSBANDMADEENTIRELYOFSTAINEDGLASS。

IamgladIamnotanAmericanhusband。AtfirstsightthismayappeararemarkuncomplimentarytotheAmericanwife。Itisnothingofthesort。Itistheotherwayabout。We，inEurope，haveplentyofopportunityofjudgingtheAmericanwife。InAmericayouhearoftheAmericanwife，youaretoldstoriesabouttheAmericanwife，youseeherportraitintheillustratedjournals。Bysearchingundertheheading"ForeignIntelligence，"youcanfindoutwhatsheisdoing。

ButhereinEuropeweknowher，meetherfacetoface，talktoher，flirtwithher。Sheischarming，delightful。ThatiswhyIsayIamgladIamnotanAmericanhusband。IftheAmericanhusbandonlyknewhownicewastheAmericanwife，hewouldsellhisbusinessandcomeoverhere，wherenowandthenhecouldseeher。

Yearsago，whenIfirstbegantotravelaboutEurope，IarguedtomyselfthatAmericamustbeadeadlyplacetolivein。Howsaditis，Ithoughttomyself，tomeetthus，whereveronegoes，Americanwidowsbythethousand。Inonenarrowby—streetofDresdenI

calculatedfourteenAmericanmothers，possessingnine—and—twentyAmericanchildren，andnotafatheramongthem——notasinglehusbandamongthewholefourteen。Ipicturedfourteenlonelygraves，scatteredovertheUnitedStates。Isawasinavisionthosefourteenhead—stonesofbestmaterial，hand—carved，recordingthevirtuesofthosefourteendeadandburiedhusbands。

Odd，thoughtItomyself，decidedlyodd。TheseAmericanhusbands，theymustbeadelicatetypeofhumanity。Thewonderistheirmotherseverrearedthem。Theymarryfinegirls，themajorityofthem;twoorthreesweetchildrenareborntothem，andafterthatthereappearstobenofurtheruseforthem，asfarasthisworldisconcerned。Cannothingbedonetostrengthentheirconstitutions？

Wouldatonicbeofanyhelptothem？Notthecustomarytonic，I

don’tmean，thesortoftonicmerelyintendedtomakegoutyoldgentlemenfeeltheywanttobuyahoop，butthesortoftonicforwhichitwasclaimedthatthreedropspoureduponahamsandwichandthethingwouldbegintosqueak。

Itstruckmeaspathetic，thepictureoftheseAmericanwidowsleavingtheirnativeland，comingoverinshiploadstospendtherestoftheirblightedlivesinexile。ThemerethoughtofAmerica，I

tookit，hadforeverbecometothemdistasteful。Thegroundthatoncehisfeethadpressed！Theoldfamiliarplacesoncelightedbyhissmile！EverythinginAmericawouldremindthemofhim。

Snatchingtheirbabestotheirheavingbosomstheywouldleavethecountrywherelayburiedallthejoyoftheirlives，seekintheretirementofParis，FlorenceorVienna，oblivionofthepast。

Also，itstruckmeasbeautiful，thenobleresignationwithwhichtheyboretheirgrief，hidingtheirsorrowfromtheindifferentstranger。Somewidowsmakeafuss，goaboutforweekslookinggloomyanddepressed，makingnottheslightestefforttobemerry。Thesefourteenwidows——Iknewthempersonally，allofthem，Ilivedinthesamestreet——whatabraveshowofcheerfulnesstheyputon！WhatalessontothecommonorEuropeanwidow，thehumpytypeofwidow！Onecouldspendwholedaysintheircompany——Ihaddoneit——commencingquiteearlyinthemorningwithasleighingexcursion，finishingupquitelateintheeveningwithalittlesupperparty，followedbyanimpromptudance;andneverdetectfromtheiroutwardmannerthattheywerenotthoroughlyenjoyingthemselves。

FromthemothersIturnedmyadmiringeyestowardsthechildren。

ThisisthesecretofAmericansuccess，saidItomyself;thishigh—

spiritedcourage，thisSpartancontemptforsuffering。Lookatthem！

thegallantlittlemenandwomen。Whowouldthinkthattheyhadlostafather？Why，IhaveseenaBritishchildmoreupsetatlosingsixpence。

Talkingtoalittlegirloneday，Ienquiredofherconcerningthehealthofherfather。ThenextmomentIcouldhavebittenmytongueout，rememberingthattherewasn’tsuchathingasafather——notanAmericanfather——inthewholestreet。Shedidnotburstintotearsastheydointhestory—books。Shesaid：

"Heisquitewell，thankyou，"simply，pathetically，justlikethat。

"Iamsureofit，"Irepliedwithfervour，"wellandhappyashedeservestobe，andonedayyouwillfindhimagain;youwillgotohim。"

"Ah，yes，"sheanswered，ashininglight，itseemedtome，uponherfairyoungface。"Mommasayssheisgettingjustabittiredofthisone—horsesortofplace。Sheisquitelookingforwardtoseeinghimagain。"

Ittouchedmeverydeeply：thiswearywoman，tiredofherlongbereavement，actuallylookingforwardtothefearsomepassageleadingtowhereherlovedonewaitedforherinabetterland。

ForonebrightbreezycreatureIgrewtofeelarealregard。AllthemonthsthatIhadknownher，seenheralmostdaily，neveroncehadI

heardasinglecryofpainescapeherlips，neveroncehadIheardhercursingfate。Ofthemanywhocalleduponherinhercharmingflat，notonehadever，tomyknowledge，offeredherconsolationorcondolence。Itseemedtomecruel，callous。Theover—burdenedheart，findingnooutletforitsimprisonedgrief，findingnosympatheticearintowhichtopouritstaleofwoe，breaks，wearetold;anyhow，itisn’tgoodforit。Idecided——nooneelseseemingkeen——thatIwouldsupplythatsympatheticear。TheverynexttimeI

foundmyselfalonewithherIintroducedthesubject。

"YouhavebeenlivinghereinDresdenalongtime，haveyounot？"I

asked。

"Aboutfiveyears，"sheanswered，"onandoff。"

"Andallalone，"Icommented，withasighintendedtoinvitetoconfidence。

"Well，hardlyalone，"shecorrectedme，whilealookofpatientresignationaddeddignitytoherpiquantfeatures。"Yousee，therearethedearchildrenalwaysroundaboutme，duringtheholidays。"

"Besides，"sheadded，"thepeopleherearerealkindtome;theyhardlyeverletmefeelmyselfalone。Wemakeuplittleparties，youknow，picnicsandexcursions。Andthen，ofcourse，thereistheOperaandtheSymphonyConcerts，andthesubscriptiondances。Thedearoldkinghasbeendoingagooddealthiswinter，too;andImustsaytheEmbassyfolkshavebeenmostthoughtful，sofarasIamconcerned。No，itwouldnotberightformetocomplainofloneliness，notnowthatIhavegottoknowafewpeople，asitwere。"

"Butdon’tyoumissyourhusband？"Isuggested。

Acloudpassedoverherusuallysunnyface。"Oh，pleasedon’ttalkofhim，"shesaid，"itmakesmefeelrealsad，thinkingabouthim。"

Buthavingcommenced，Iwasdeterminedthatmysympathyshouldnotbelefttowaste。

"Whatdidhedieof？"Iasked。

ShegavemealookthepathosofwhichIshallneverforget。

"Say，youngman，"shecried，"areyoutryingtobreakittomegently？Becauseifso，I’dratheryoutoldmestraightout。Whatdidhedieof？"

"Thenisn’thedead？"Iasked，"Imeansofarasyouknow。"

"Neverheardawordabouthisbeingdeadtillyoustartedtheidea，"

sheretorted。"SofarasIknowhe’saliveandwell。"

IsaidthatIwassorry。IwentontoexplainthatIdidnotmeanI

wassorrytohearthatinallprobabilityhewasaliveandwell。

WhatImeantwasIwassorryIhadintroducedapainfulsubject。

"What’sapainfulsubject？"

"Why，yourhusband，"Ireplied。

"Butwhyshouldyoucallhimapainfulsubject？"

Ihadanideashewasgettingangrywithme。Shedidnotsayso。I

gatheredit。ButIhadtoexplainmyselfsomehow。

"Well，"Ianswered，"Itakeit，youdidn’tgetonwelltogether，andIamsureitmusthavebeenhisfault。"

"Nowlookhere，"shesaid，"don’tyoubreatheawordagainstmyhusbandorweshallquarrel。Anicer，dearerfellowneverlived。"

"Thenwhatdidyoudivorcehimfor？"Iasked。Itwasimpertinent，itwasunjustifiable。MyexcuseisthatthemysterysurroundingtheAmericanhusbandhadbeenworryingmeformonths。HerehadI

stumbledupontheopportunityofsolvingit。InstinctivelyIclungtomyadvantage。

"Therehasn’tbeenanydivorce，"shesaid。"Thereisn’tgoingtobeanydivorce。You’llmakemecrossinanotherminute。"

ButIwasbecomingreckless。"Heisnotdead。Youarenotdivorcedfromhim。Whereishe？"Idemandedwithsomeheat。

"Whereishe？"shereplied，astonished。Whereshouldhebe？Athome，ofcourse。"Ilookedaroundtheluxuriously—furnishedroomwithitsairofcosycomfort，ofsubstantialrestfulness。

"Whathome？"Iasked。

"Whathome！Why，ourhome，inDetroit。"

"Whatishedoingthere？"Ihadbecomesomuchinearnestthatmyvoicehadassumedunconsciouslyanauthoritativetone。Presumably，ithypnotisedher，forsheansweredmyquestionsasthoughshehadbeeninthewitness—box。

"HowdoIknow？HowcanIpossiblytellyouwhatheisdoing？Whatdopeopleusuallydoathome？"

"Answerthequestions，madam，don’taskthem。Whatareyoudoinghere？Quitetruthfully，ifyouplease。"Myeyeswerefixeduponher。

"Enjoyingmyself。Helikesmetoenjoymyself。Besides，Iameducatingthechildren。"

"Youmeantheyarehereatboarding—schoolwhileyouaregaddingabout。WhatiswrongwithAmericaneducation？Whendidyouseeyourhusbandlast？"

"Last？Letmesee。No，lastChristmasIwasinBerlin。ItmusthavebeentheChristmasbefore，Ithink。"

"Ifheisthedearkindfellowyousayheis，howisityouhaven’tseenhimfortwoyears？"

"Because，asItellyou，heisathome，inDetroit。HowcanIseehimwhenIamhereinDresdenandheisinDetroit？Youdoaskfoolishquestions。Hemeanstotryandcomeoverinthesummer，ifhecansparethetime，andthen，ofcourse—

"Answermyquestions，please。I’vespokentoyouonceaboutit。Doyouthinkyouareperformingyourdutyasawife，enjoyingyourselfinDresdenandBerlinwhileyourhusbandisworkinghardinDetroit？"

"Hewasquitewillingformetocome。TheAmericanhusbandisagoodfellowwholikeshiswifetoenjoyherself。"

"IamnotaskingforyourviewsontheAmericanhusband。IamaskingyourviewsontheAmericanwife——onyourself。TheAmericanhusbandappearstobeasortofstained—glasssaint，andyouAmericanwivesareimposinguponhim。Itisdoingyounogood，anditwon’tgoonforever。TherewillcomeadaywhentheAmericanhusbandwillwakeuptothefactheismakingafoolofhimself，andbyover—

indulgence，over—devotion，turningtheAmericanwomanintoaheartless，selfishcreature。WhatsortofahomedoyouthinkitisinDetroit，withyouandthechildrenoverhere？Tellme，istheAmericanhusbandmadeentirelyofdrivensnow，withblooddistilledfrommoonbeams，orishecomposedoftheordinaryingredients？

Because，ifthelatter，youtakemyadviceandgetbackhome。ItakeitthatinAmerica，proper，therearemillionsofrealhomeswherethewomandoesherdutyandplaysthegame。ButalsoitisquitecleartherearethousandsofhomesinAmerica，mereechoingrooms，wherethemanwalksbyhimself，hiswifeandchildrenscatteredoverEurope。Itisn’tgoingtowork，itisn’trightthatitshouldwork。"

"Youtaketheadviceofasincerefriend。Packup——youandthechildren——andgethome。"

Ileft。Itwasgrowinglate。Ifeltitwastimetoleave。WhethershetookmycounselIcannotsay。IonlyknowthattherestillremaininEuropeagoodlynumberofAmericanwivestowhomitisapplicable。

DOESTHEYOUNGMANKNOWEVERYTHINGWORTHKNOWING？

IamtoldthatAmericanprofessorsare"mourningthelackofideals"

atColumbiaUniversity——possiblyalsoatotheruniversitiesscatteredthroughtheUnitedStates。IfitbeanyconsolationtothesemourningAmericanprofessors，Icanassurethemthattheydonotmournalone。IlivenotfarfromOxford，andenjoytheadvantageofoccasionallylisteningtothejeremiadsofEnglishUniversityprofessors。MorethanonceaGermanprofessorhasdonemethehonourtoemploymeasanobjectonwhichtosharpenhisEnglish。HealsohasmournedsimilarlackofidealsatHeidelberg，atBonn。Youthisyouthalltheworldover;ithasitsownideals;theyarenotthoseoftheUniversityprofessor。Theexplanationistolerablysimple。

Youthisyoung，andtheUniversityprofessor，generallyspeaking，ismiddle—aged。

Icansympathisewiththemourningprofessor。I，inmytime，havesufferedlikedespair。Irememberthedaysowell;itwasmytwelfthbirthday。IrecalltheunholyjoywithwhichIreflectedthatforthefuturemyunfortunateparentswouldbecalledupontopayformefullrailwayfare;itmarkedadecidedsteptowardsmanhood。Iwasnowinmyteens。Thatveryafternoontherecametovisitusarelativeofours。Shebroughtwithherthreesmallchildren：agirl，agedsix;aprecious，golden—hairedthinginalacecollarthatcalleditselfaboy，agedfive;andathirdstillsmallercreature，itmighthavebeenmale，itmighthavebeenfemale;Icouldnothavetoldyouatthetime，Icannottellyounow。Thiscollectionofatomswashandedovertome。

"Now，showyourselfaman，"saidmydearmother，"rememberyouareinyourteens。Takethemoutforawalkandamusethem;andmindnothinghappenstothem。"

TothechildrenthemselvestheirownmothergaveinstructionsthattheyweretodoeverythingthatItoldthem，andnottoteartheirclothesormakethemselvesuntidy。Thesedirections，eventomyself，atthetime，appearedcontradictory。ButIsaidnothing。Andoutintothewildsthefourofusdeparted。

Iwasanonlychild。Myowninfancyhadpassedfrommymemory。Tome，attwelve，theideasofsixwereasincomprehensibleasarethoseoftwentytotheUniversityprofessorofforty。Iwantedtobeapirate。Roundthecornerandacrosstheroadbuildingoperationswereinprogress。Planksandpoleslayreadytoone’shand。Nature，intheneighbourhood，hadplacedconvenientlyashallowpond。ItwasSaturdayafternoon。Thenearestpublic—housewasamileaway。

ImmunityfrominterferencebytheBritishworkmanwasthusassured。

Itoccurredtomethatbyplacingmythreedepressedlookingrelativesononeraft，attackingthemmyselffromanother，takingtheeldestgirl’ssixpenceawayfromher，disablingtheirraft，andleavingthemtodriftwithoutarudder，innocentamusementwouldbeprovidedforhalfanhouratleast。

Theydidnotwanttoplayatpirates。Atfirstsightofthepondthethingthatcalleditselfaboybegantocry。Thesix—year—oldladysaidshedidnotlikethesmellofit。NotevenafterIhadexplainedthegametothemweretheyanythemoreenthusiasticforit。

IproposedRedIndians。Theycouldgotosleepintheunfinishedbuildinguponasackoflime，Iwouldcreepupthroughthegrass，setfiretothehouse，anddanceroundit，whoopingandwavingmytomahawk，watchingwithfiendishdelightthefranticbutfutileeffortsofthepalefacestoescapetheirdoom。

Itdidnot"catchon"——noteventhat。Thepreciousthinginthelacecollarbegantocryagain。ThecreatureconcerningwhomIcouldnothavetoldyouwhetheritwasmaleorfemalemadenoattemptatargument，butstartedtorun;itseemedtohavetakenadisliketothisparticularfield。Itstumbledoverascaffoldingpole，andthenitalsobegantocry。Whatcouldonedotoamusesuchpeople？I

leftittothemtoproposesomething。Theythoughttheywouldliketoplayat"Mothers"——notinthisfield，butinsomeotherfield。

Theeldestgirlwouldbemother。Theothertwowouldrepresentherchildren。Theyhadbeentakensuddenlyill。"Waterworks，"asIhadchristenedhim，wastoholdhishandstohismiddleandgroan。Hisfacebrightenedupatthesuggestion。Thenondescripthadthetoothache。Ittookupitspartwithoutamoment’shesitation，andsettoworktoscream。Icouldbethedoctorandlookattheirtongues。

Thatwastheir"ideal"game。AsIhavesaid，rememberingthatafternoon，IcansympathisewiththeUniversityprofessormourningtheabsenceofUniversityidealsinyouth。Possiblyatsixmyownidealgamemayhavebeen"Mothers。"LookingbackfromthepileofbirthdaysuponwhichInowstand，itoccurstomethatveryprobablyitwas。Butfromtheperspectiveoftwelve，thereflectionthattherewerebeingsintheworldwhocouldfindrecreationinsuchfoolingsaddenedme。

Eightyearslater，hisfathernotbeingabletoaffordthetime，I

conductedMaster"Waterworks，"nowahealthy，uninteresting，gawkylad，toaschoolinSwitzerland。ItwasmyfirstContinentaltrip。

Ishouldhaveenjoyeditbetterhadhenotbeenwithme。HethoughtParisa"beastlyhole。"HedidnotsharemyadmirationfortheFrenchwoman;heeventhoughtherbadlydressed。

"Whyshe’ssotiedup，shecan’twalkstraight，"wastheonlyimpressionsheleftuponhim。

Wechangedthesubject;itirritatedmetohearhimtalk。ThebeautifulJuno—likecreatureswecameacrossfurtheroninGermany，hesaidweretoofat。Hewantedtoseethemrun。Ifoundhimutterlysoulless。

Toexpectaboytolovelearningandcultureislikeexpectinghimtopreferoldvintageclarettogooseberrywine。Cultureforthemajorityisanacquiredtaste。Speakingpersonally，IamentirelyinagreementwiththeUniversityprofessor。Ifindknowledge，promptingtoobservationandleadingtoreflection，themostsatisfactoryluggagewithwhichatravellerthroughlifecanprovidehimself。I

wouldthatIhadmoreofit。Tobeabletoenjoyapictureisofmoreadvantagethantobeabletobuyit。

AllthattheUniversityprofessorcanurgeinfavourofidealismIampreparedtoendorse。ButthenIam——letussay，thirty—nine。Atfourteenmycandidopinionwasthathewastalking"rot。"Ilookedattheoldgentlemanhimself——anarrow—chested，spectacledoldgentleman，wholivedupabystreet。Hedidnotseemtohavemuchfunofanysort。Itwasnotmyideal。HetoldmethingshadbeenwritteninalanguagecalledGreekthatIshouldenjoyreading，butI

hadnotevenreadallCaptainMarryat。ThereweretalesbySirWalterScottand"JackHarkaway’sSchooldays！"IfeltIcouldwaitawhile。TherewasachapcalledAristophaneswhohadwrittencomedies，satirisingthepoliticalinstitutionsofacountrythathaddisappearedtwothousandyearsago。Isay，withoutshame，DruryLanepantomimeandBarnum’sCircuscalledtomemorestrongly。

Wishingtogivetheoldgentlemanachance，Idippedintotranslations。SomeoftheseoldfellowswerenotasbadasIhadimaginedthem。ApartynamedHomerhadwrittensomereallyinterestingstuff。Hereandthere，maybe，hewasabitlong—winded，but，takinghimasawhole，therewas"go"inhim。Therewasanotherofthem——Ovidwashisname。Hecouldtellastory，Ovidcould。Hehadimagination。Hewasalmostasgoodas"RobinsonCrusoe。"I

thoughtitwouldpleasemyprofessor，tellinghimthatIwasreadingthese，hisfavouriteauthors。

"Readingthem！"hecried，"butyoudon’tknowGreekorLatin。"

"ButIknowEnglish，"Ianswered;"theyhaveallbeentranslatedintoEnglish。Younevertoldmethat！"

Itappeareditwasnotthesamething。Thereweresubtledelicaciesofdictionboundtoescapeeventhebesttranslator。ThesesubtledelicaciesofdictionIcouldenjoyonlybydevotingthenextsevenoreightyearsofmylifetothestudyofGreekandLatin。ItwillgrievetheUniversityprofessortohearit，buttheenjoymentofthosesubtledelicaciesofdictiondidnotappeartome——Iwasonlyfourteenatthetime，pleaseremember——tobeworththetimeandtrouble。

Theboyismateriallyinclined——themourningAmericanprofessorhasdiscoveredit。Ididnotwanttobeanidealistlivingupabackstreet。Iwantedtoliveinthebiggesthouseinthebeststreetofthetown。Iwantedtorideahorse，wearafurcoat，andhaveasmuchtoeatanddrinkaseverIliked。Iwantedtomarrythemostbeautifulwomanintheworld，tohavemynameinthenewspaper，andtoknowthateverybodywasenvyingme。

Mournoverit，mydearprofessor，asyouwill——thatistheidealofyouth;and，solongashumannatureremainswhatitis，willcontinuetobeso。Itisamaterialisticideal——asordidideal。Maybeitisnecessary。Maybetheworldwouldnotmovemuchiftheyoungmenstartedthinkingtooearly。Theywanttoberich，sotheyflingthemselvesfrenziedlyintothestruggle。Theybuildthetowns，andmaketherailwaytracks，hewdowntheforests，digtheoreoutoftheground。Therecomesadaywhenitisborneinuponthemthattryingtogetrichisapoorsortofgame——thatthereisonlyonethingmoretiresomethanbeingamillionaire，andthatistryingtobeamillionaire。But，meanwhile，theworldhasgotitsworkdone。

TheAmericanprofessorfearsthattheartisticdevelopmentofAmericaleavesmuchtobedesired。Ifeartheartisticdevelopmentofmostcountriesleavesmuchtobedesired。WhytheAtheniansthemselvessandwichedtheirdramabetweenwrestlingcompetitionsandboxingbouts。TheplaysofSophocles，orEuripides，weregivenas"sideshows。"Thechiefitemsofthefairwerethegamesandraces。

Besides，Americaisstillayoungman。Ithasbeenbusy"gettingonintheworld。"Ithasnotyetquitefinished。YettherearesignsthatyoungAmericaisapproachingthethirty—nines。Heisfindingalittletime，alittlemoneytospareforart。OnecanalmosthearyoungAmerica——notquitesoyoungashewas——sayingtoMrs。Europeasheentersandclosestheshopdoor：

"Well，ma’am，hereIam，andmaybeyou’llbegladtohearI’vealittlemoneytospend。Yes，ma’am，I’vefixedthingsallrightacrossthewater;weshan’tstarve。Sonow，ma’am，youandIcanhaveachatconcerningthisartI’vebeenhearingsomuchabout。

Let’shavealookatit，ma’am，trotitout，anddon’tyoubeafraidofputtingafairpriceuponit。"

IaminclinedtothinkthatMrs。EuropehasnothesitatedtoputagoodpriceupontheartshehassoldtoUncleSam。IamafraidMrs。

Europehasoccasionally"unloaded"onUncleSam。Italkedtoacertaindealeroneafternoon，nowmanyyearsago，attheUwantitClub。

"Whatisthenextpicturelikelytobemissing？"Iaskedhiminthecourseofgeneralconversation。

"ThomelittlethingofHoppner’th，ifitmuthtbe，"herepliedwithconfidence。

"Hoppner，"Imurmured，"Iseemtohaveheardthename。"

"Yeth;you’llhearitabitoftenerduringthenexteighteenmonthortho。Youtakecareyoudon’tgettiredofhearingit，thathall，"helaughed。"Yeth，"hecontinued，thoughtfully，"Reynoldthithplayedout。NothingmuchtobemadeofGainthborough，either。Dealinginthatlotnow，why，it’thlikekeepingapothtoffith。Hoppner’ththecomingman。"

"You’vebeenbuyingHoppnersupcheap，"Isuggested。

"Betweenuth，"heanswered，"yeth，Ithinkwe’vegotthemall。Maybeafewmore。Idon’tthinkwe’vemithedany。"

"Youwillsellthemformorethanyougaveforthem，"Ihinted。

"You’rethmart，"heanswered，regardingmeadmiringly，"youtheethrougheverythingyoudo。"

"Howdoyouworkit？"Iaskedhim。Thereisatimeinthedaywhenheisconfidential。"Hereisthisman，Hoppner。Itakeitthatyouhaveboughthimupatanaverageofahundredpoundsapicture，andthatatthatpricemostownerswerefairlygladtosell。Fewfolksoutsidetheartschoolshaveeverheardofhim。Ibetthatatthepresentmomentthereisn’toneartcriticwhocouldspellhisnamewithoutreferencetoadictionary。Ineighteenmonthsyouwillbesellinghimforanythingfromonethousandtotenthousandpounds。

Howisitdone？"

"Howitheverythingdonethat’thdonewell？"heanswered。"Byearnethteffort。"Hehitchedhischairnearertome，"Igetachap——

oneofyourthortofchapth——hewrit’thanarticleaboutHoppner。I

getanothertoanthwerhim。BeforeI’vedonethere’llbeahundredarticlethaboutHoppner——hithlife，hithearlythruggie，anecdo’thabouthithwife。ThenaHoppnerwillbetholdatpublicauchtionforathouthandguineath。"

"Buthowcanyoubecertainitwillfetchathousandguineas？"I

interrupted。

"Ihappentoknowthemanwhothgoingtobuyit。"Hewinked，andI

understood。

"Afortnightlatertherewillbeathaleofhalf—a—dothen，andtheprithewillbegoneupbythattime。"

"Andafterthat？"Isaid。

"Afterthat，"hereplied，rising，"theAmericanmillionaire！He’lljuthtbewaitingonthedoor—thtepforthethale—roomtoopen。"

"IfbyanychanceIcomeacrossaHoppner？"Isaid，laughing，asI

turnedtogo。

"Don’tyouholdontoittoolong，that’thall，"washisadvice。

HOWMANYCHARMSHATHMUSIC，WOULDYOUSAY？

TheargumentofthelateHerrWagnerwasthatgrandopera——themusicdrama，ashecalledit——included，andthereforedidawaywiththenecessityfor——allotherarts。Musicinallitsbranches，ofcourse，itprovides：somuchIwillconcedetothelateHerrWagner。Therearetimes，Iconfess，whenmymusicalyearningsmightshockthelateHerrWagner——timeswhenIfeelunequaltofollowingthreedistinctthemesatoneandthesameinstant。

"Listen，"whisperstheWagnerianenthusiasttome，"thecornethasnowtheBrunnhildamotive。"Itseemstome，inmythenstateofdepravity，asifthecornethadevenmorethanthisthematterwithhim。

"Thesecondviolins，"continuestheWagnerianenthusiast，"arecarryingontheWotantheme。"Thattheyarecarryingongoeswithoutsaying：theplayers’facesarestreamingwithperspiration。

"Thebrass，"explainsmyfriend——hisobjectistocultivatemyear——

"isaccompanyingthesingers。"Ishouldhavesaiddrowningthem。

ThereareoccasionswhenIcanraveaboutWagnerwiththebestofthem。Highclassmoodscometoallofus。Thedifferencebetweenthereallyhigh—classmananduscommonplace，workadaymenisthedifferencebetween，say，theeagleandthebarnyardchicken。Iamthebarnyardchicken。Ihavemywings。ThereareecstaticmomentswhenIfeelIwanttospurnthesordidearthandsoarintotherealmsofart。Idoflyalittle，butmybodyisheavy，andIonlygetasfarasthefence。AfterawhileIfinditlonesomeonthefence，andIhopdownagainamongmyfellows。

ListeningtoWagner，duringsuchtemporaryPhilistinicmood，mysenseoffairplayisoutraged。Alone，lornwomanstandsuponthestagetryingtomakeherselfheard。Shehastodothissortofthingforherliving;maybeaninvalidmother，youngerbrothersandsistersaredependentuponher。Onehundredandfortymen，allarmedwithpowerfulinstruments，well—organised，andmostofthemlookingwell—

fed，combinetomakeitimpossibleforasinglenoteofthatpoorwoman’svoicetobeheardabovetheirdin。Iseeherstandingthere，openingandshuttinghermouth，gettingredderandredderintheface。Sheissinging，onefeelssureofit;onecouldhearherifonlythoseonehundredandfortymenwouldeaseupforaminute。Shemakesonemighty，supremeeffort;abovethebangingofthedrums，theblareofthetrumpets，theshriekingofthestrings，thatlastdespairingnoteisdistinctlyheard。

Shehaswon，butthevictoryhascostherdear。Shesinksdownfaintingonthestageandiscarriedoffbysupers。Chivalrousindignationhasmadeitdifficultformetokeepmyseatwatchingtheunequalcontest。Myinstinctwastoleapthebarrier，hurlthebald—

headedchiefofherenemiesfromhishighchair，andlayaboutmewiththetromboneortheclarionet——whichevermighthavecometheeasiertomysnatch。

"Youcowardlylotofbullies，"Ihavewantedtocry，"areyounotashamedofyourselves？Ahundredandfortyofyouagainstone，andthatoneastillbeautifuland，comparativelyspeaking，younglady。

Bequietforaminute——can’tyou？Givethepoorgirlachance。"

AladyofmyacquaintancesaysthatsittingoutaWagnerianoperaseemstoherlikelisteningtoasingeraccompaniedbyfourorchestrasplayingdifferenttunesatthesametime。AsIhavesaid，therearetimeswhenWagnercarriesmealongwithhim，whenIexultinthecrashandwhirlofhiscontendingharmonies。But，alas！therearethoseothermoods——thoseafterdinnermoods——whenmydesireisforsomethingdistinctlyresemblingatune。Still，thereareothercomposersofgrandoperabesidesWagner。IgranttothelateHerrWagner，that，insofarasmusicisconcerned，operacansupplyuswithallwecanneed。

ButitwasalsoWagner’sargumentthatgrandoperacouldsupplyuswithacting，andthereIamcompelledtodisagreewithhim。Wagnerthoughtthattheartsofactingandsingingcouldbecombined。I

haveseenartiststhegreatmanhastrainedhimself。Assingerstheyleftnothingtobedesired，buttheactingingrandoperahasneveryetimpressedme。Wagnerneversucceededinavoidingtheoperaticconventionandnobodyelseeverwill。Whentheoperaticlovermeetshissweetheartheputsherinacornerand，turninghisbackuponher，comesdowntothefootlightsandtellstheaudiencehowheadoresher。Whenhehasfinished，he，inhisturn，retiresintothecorner，andshecomesdownandtellstheaudiencethatsheissimplymadabouthim。

Overcomewithjoyatfindingshereallycaresforhim，hecomesdownrightandsaysthatthisisthehappiestmomentofhislife;andshestandsleft，twelvefeetawayfromhim，andhasthepresentimentthatallthissortofthingismuchtoogoodtolast。Theygoofftogether，backwards，sidebyside。Ifthereisanylove—making，suchasIunderstandbytheterm，itisdone"off。"Thisisnotmyideaofacting。ButIdonotseehowyouaregoingtosubstituteforitanythingmorenatural。Whenyouaresingingatthetopofyourvoice，youdon’twantaheavywomanhangingroundyourneck。Whenyouarekillingamanandwarblingaboutitatthesametime，youdon’twanthimfoolingaroundyoudefendinghimself。Youwanthimtohavealittlereasonablepatience，andtowaitinhisproperplacetillyouhavefinished，tellinghim，orrathertellingthecrowd，howmuchyouhateanddespisehim。

Whenthepropertimecomes，andifheiswhereyouexpecttofindhimwhilethinkingofyourupperC，youwillhithimlightlyontheshoulderwithyoursword，andthenhecandietohisownparticulartune。Ifyouhavebeenseverelywoundedinbattle，orinanyothersortofrow，andhavegottosingalongballadbeforeyoufinallyexpire，youdon’twanttohavetothinkhowamanwouldreallybehavewhoknewhehadonlygotafewminutestoliveandwasfeelingbadaboutit。Thechancesarethathewouldnotwanttosingatall。

Thewomanwhoreallylovedhimwouldnotencouragehimtosing。Shewouldwanthimtokeepquietwhileshemovedherselfaboutabit，incasetherewasanythingthatcouldbedoneforhim。

Ifamobisclimbingthestairsthirstingforyourblood，youdonotwanttostanduprightwithyourarmsstretchedout，agoodeighteeninchesfromthedoor，whileyougooveratsomelengththevariedincidentsleadinguptotheannoyance。Ifyourdesireweretoactnaturallyyouwouldpushagainstthatdoorforallyouwereworth，andyellforsomebodytobringyouachestofdrawersandabedstead，andthingslikethat，topileupagainstit。Ifyouwereaking，andweregivingaparty，youwouldnotwantyourgueststofixyouupattheotherendoftheroomandleaveyouthere，withnobodytotalktobutyourownwife，whiletheyturnedtheirbacksuponyou，andhadalongandcomplicateddancealltothemselves。Youwouldwanttobeinit;youwouldwanttoletthemknowthatyouwereking。

Inacting，alltheselittlepointshavetobeconsidered。Inopera，everythingisrightlysacrificedtomusicalnecessity。Ihaveseentheyoung，enthusiasticopera—singerwhothoughtthatheorshecouldactandsingatthesametime。Theexperiencedartisttakesthecentreofthestageandhusbandshisresources。Whetherheissupposedtobeindignantbecausesomebodyhaskilledhismother，orcheerfulbecauseheisgoingouttofighthiscountry’sfoes，whoareonlywaitinguntilhehasfinishedsingingtoattackthetown，heleavesittothecomposertomakeclear。

AlsoitwasHerrWagner’sideathatthebackclothwouldleavetheopera—goerindifferenttothepicturegallery。Thecastleontherock，accessibleonlybyballoon，inwhicheverywindowlightsupsimultaneouslyandinstantaneously，oneminuteaftersunset，whilethefullmoonisrushinguptheskyatthepaceofachampioncomet——

thatwonderfulseathatsuddenlyopensandswallowsuptheship——

thosesnow—cladmountains，overwhichtheshadowoftheheropasseslikeathreateningcloud——thegrandoldchateau，tremblinginthewind——whatneed，willasktheopera—goerofthefuture，ofyourTurnersandyourCorots，when，forpricesrangingfromashillingupwards，wecanhaveadozenpicturessuchastheserolledupanddownbeforeuseveryevening？

ButperhapsthemostdaringhopeofallwasthedreamthatcametoHerrWagnerthathisoperasingers，hisgroupedchoruses，wouldeventuallysatisfythecravingofthepublicforhighclassstatuary。

Iamnotquitesurethegeneralpublicdoescareforstatuary。IdonotknowwhethertheideahaseveroccurredtotheAnarchist，but，wereImyselforganisingsecretcommitteemeetingsforunholypurposes，Ishouldinvitemycomradestomeetinthatsectionofthelocalmuseumdevotedtostatuary。Icanconceiveofnoplacewhereweshouldbefreerfrompryingeyesandlisteningears。Aselectfew，however，doappreciatestatuary;andsuch，Iaminclinedtothink，willnotbeweanedfromtheirpassionbythecontemplationoftheoperasingerinhisorhervariousquaintcostumes。

AndevenifthetenoralwayssatisfiedouridealofApollo，andthesopranowerealwaysassylph—likeassheisdescribedinthelibretto，eventhenIshoulddoubttheaverageoperaticchorusbeingregardedbytheconnoisseurasacheapandpleasantsubstituteforabasrelieffromtheElginmarbles。Thegreatthingrequiredofthatoperaticchorusisexperience。Theyoungandgiddy—patedthechorusmasterhasnousefor。Thesober，honest，industriousladyorgentleman，withaknowledgeofmusicisveryproperlyhisideal。

WhatIadmireaboutthechoruschieflyisitsunity。Thewholevillagedressesexactlyalike。Inwicked，worldlyvillagesthereisrivalry，leadingtoheartburnandjealously。Oneladycomesoutsuddenly，on，say，aBankHoliday，inafetchingbluethatconquerseverymaleheart。Nextholidayherrivalcutsheroutwithagreenhat。Intheoperaticvillageitmustbethatthegirlsgathertogetherbeforehandtoarrangethisthing。Thereisprobablyameetingcalled。

"ThedearCount’swedding，"announcesthechairwoman，"youwillallbepleasedtohear，hasbeenfixedforthefourteenth，ateleveno’clockinthemorning。Theentirevillagewillbeassembledatten—

thirtytoawaitthereturnofthebridalcortegefromthechurch，andofferitsfelicitations。Marriedladies，will，ofcourse，comeaccompaniedbytheirhusbands。Unmarriedladiesmusteachbringamalepartnerasneartheirownheightaspossible。Fortunately，inthisvillagethenumberofmalesisexactlyequaltothatoffemales，sothatthepictureneednotbespoiled。Thechildrenwillorganisethemselvesintoanindependentbodyandwillgroupthemselvespicturesquely。Ithasbeenthoughtadvisable，"continuesthechairwoman，"thatthevillageshouldmeetthedearCountandhisbrideatsomespotnottoofarremovedfromthelocalalehouse。Thecostumetobewornbytheladieswillconsistofashortpinkskirtterminatingatthekneesandornamentedwithfestoonsofflowers;

abovewillbewornaboleroinmauvesilkwithoutsleevesandcutdecollete。Theshoesshouldbeofyellowsatinoverflesh—colouredstockings。Ladieswhoare’out’willwearpearlnecklaces，andasimpledeviceinemeraldstodecoratethehair。ThankGod，wecanallofusaffordit，andprovidedtheweatherholdsupandnothingunexpectedhappens——heisnotwhatIcallaluckyman，ourCount，anditisalwaysaswelltobepreparedforpossibilities——well，Ithinkwemaylookforwardtoareallypleasantday。"

Itcannotbedone，HerrWagner，believeme。Youcannotsubstitutethemusicdramaforalltheartscombined。Theobjecttobeaimedatbythewisecomposershouldbetomakeus，whilelisteningtohismusic，forgetfulofallremainingartisticconsiderations。

THEWHITEMAN’SBURDEN！NEEDITBESOHEAVY？

ItisadelightfulstrollonasunnysummermorningfromtheHaguetotheHuistenBosch，thelittle"houseinthewood，"builtforPrincessAmalia，widowofStadtholterFrederickHenry，underwhomHollandescapedfinallyfromthebondageofherfoesandenteredintothepromisedlandofLiberty。Leavingthequietstreets，thetree—

borderedcanals，withtheircreepingbarges，youpassthroughapleasantpark，wherethesoft—eyeddeerpressroundyou，hurtandindignantifyouhavebroughtnothinginyourpocket——notevenapieceofsugar——toofferthem。Itisnotthattheyaregrasping——itisthewantofattentionthatwoundsthem。

"Ithoughthewasagentleman，"theyseemtobesayingtooneanother，ifyouglanceback，"helookedlikeagentleman。"

Theirmildeyeshauntyou;onthenextoccasionyoudonotforget。

TheParkmergesintotheforest;yougobywindingwaystillyoureachthetrimDutchgarden，moat—encircled，inthecentreofwhichstandstheprimold—fashionedvilla，which，tothesimpleDutchman，appearsapalace。Theconcierge，anoldsoldier，bowslowtoyouandintroducesyoutohiswife——astately，white—haireddame，whotalksmostlanguagesalittle，sofarasrelatestoallthingswithinandappertainingtothistinypalaceofthewood。Tothingswithout，beyondthewood，herpowersofconversationdonotextend：

apparentlysuchmattersdonotinteresther。

SheconductsyoutotheChineseRoom;thesunstreamsthroughthewindows，illuminatingthewondrousgoldendragonsstandingoutinboldrelieffromtheburnishedlacquerwork，decoratingstillfurtherwithlightandshadethedelicatesilkembroideriesthintaperhandshavewovenwithinfinitepains。Thewallsarehungwithricepaper，depictingtheconventionalscenesoftheconventionalChineselife。

Youfindyourthoughtswandering。Thesegrotesquefigures，thesecaricaturesofhumanity！Acomicalcreature，surely，thisChinaman，thepantaloonofcivilization。Howusefulhehasbeentousforourfarces，ourcomicoperas！Thisyellowbaby，inhisamplepinafore，wholivedthousandsofyearsago，whohasnowpassedintothisstrangesecondchildhood。

Butishedying——ordoesthelifeofanationwakeagain，asaftersleep？Ishethisdroll，harmlessthingheheredepictshimself？

Andifnot？Supposefreshsapbestirringthroughhisthreehundredmillions？Wethoughthewassoverydead;wethoughtthetimehadcometocuthimupanddividehim，theonlydangerbeinglestweshouldquarreloverhiscarcaseamongourselves。

Supposeitturnsoutasthefableofthewoodcutterandthebear？

Thewoodcutterfoundthebearlyingintheforest。Atfirsthewasmuchfrightened，butthebearlayremarkablystill。Sothewoodmancreptnearer，venturedtokickthebear——verygently，readytorunifneedbe。Surelythebearwasdead！Andpartsofabeararegoodtoeat，andbearskintopoorwoodfolkoncoldwinternightsisgrateful。

Sothewoodmandrewhisknifeandcommencedthenecessarypreliminaries。Butthebearwasnotdead。

IftheChinamanbenotdead？Ifthecutting—upprocesshasonlyservedtowakenhim？Inalittletimefromnowweshallknow。

FromtheChineseRoomthewhite—haireddameleadsustotheJapaneseRoom。Hadgentle—lookingPrincessAmaliasomevagueforeshadowingofthefutureinhermindwhensheplannedthesetworoomsleadingintooneanother？TheJapanesedecorationsaremoregrotesque，thedesignslesscheerfullycomicalthanthoseofcousinChinaman。Thesemonstrous，mis—shapenwrestlers，thesepatient—lookinggods，withtheirinscrutableeyes！Wasitalwaysthere，orisitonlybythelightofpresenteventsthatonereadsintothefantasticfanciesoftheartistworkinglongagointhedoorwayofhispaperhouse，ameaningthathashithertoescapedus？

ButthechiefattractionoftheHuistenBoschisthegorgeousOrangeSaloon，lightedbyacupola，fiftyfeetabovethefloor，thewallsoneblazeofpictures，chieflyofthegorgeousJordaenschool——"TheDefeatoftheVices，""TimeVanquishingSlander"——mostlyallegorical，inpraiseofallthevirtues，inpraiseofenlightenmentandprogress。Aptlyenoughinaroomsodecorated，herewasheldthefamousPeaceCongressthatclosedthelastcentury。OnecanhardlyavoidsmilingasonethinksofthesolemnconclaveofgrandeesassembledtoproclaimthepopularityofPeace。

ItwasintheautumnofthesameyearthatEuropedecideduponthedividing—upofChina，thatsoldierswereinstructedbyChristianmonarchstomassacremen，womenandchildren，theideabeingtoimpressupontheHeathenChineethesuperiorcivilizationofthewhiteman。TheBoerwarfollowedalmostimmediately。Sincewhenthewhitemanhasbeenprettybusyallovertheworldwithhis"expeditions"andhis"missions。"Theworldisundoubtedlygrowingmorerefined。Wedonotcareforuglywords。Eventheburglarrefersairilytothe"littlejob"hehasonhand。Youwouldthinkhehadfoundworkinthecountry。Ishouldnotbesurprisedtolearnthathesaysaprayerbeforestarting，telegraphshometohisanxiouswifethenextmorningthathistaskhasbeencrownedwithblessing。

Untilthefar—offdateofUniversalBrotherhoodwarwillcontinue。

Mattersconsideredunimportantbybothpartieswill——withamightyflourishoftrumpets——bereferredtoarbitration。Iwastalkingofafamousfinancierawhileagowithamanwhohadbeenhissecretary。

Amongstotheranecdotes，hetoldmeofacertainagreementaboutwhichdisputehadarisen。Thefamousfinanciertookthepaperintohisownhandsandmadeafewswiftcalculations。

"Letitgo，"heconcluded，"itisonlyathousandpoundsattheoutside。Mayaswellbehonest。"

Concerningadeadfishermanortwo，concerningboundariesthroughunproductivemountainrangesweshallarbitrateandfeelvirtuous。

Forgoldminesandgoodpasturelands，mixedupwithalittlehonourtogiverespectabilitytothebusiness，weshallfightitout，aspreviously。Warbeingthusinevitable，thehumanemanwillrejoicethatbyoneofthosebrilliantdiscoveries，sosimplewhentheyareexplained，warinthefutureisgoingtoberenderedequallysatisfactorytovictorandtovanquished。

Inby—elections，asawittywriterhaspointedout，therearenodefeats——onlyvictoriesandmoralvictories。Theideaseemstohavecaughton。Warinthefutureisevidentlygoingtobeconductedonthesameunderstanding。Onceuponatime，fromafar—offland，acertaingeneraltelegraphedhomecongratulatinghisGovernmentthattheenemyhadshownnoinclinationwhatevertopreventhisrunningaway。Thewholecountryrejoiced。