第5章

"I\'vegotholdofanideaforsomethingimmense，"hebabbled，"somethingthatissimplyIt。"

Bassetgaveashortlaughthatwouldhavedoneequallywellasasnort，ifonehadwantedtomaketheexchange。Hishalf-brotherwasinthehabitofdiscoveringfutilitiesthatwere"simplyIt"atfrequentlyrecurringintervals。Thediscoverygenerallymeantthatheflewuptotown，precededbyglowingly-

wordedtelegrams，toseesomeoneconnectedwiththestageorthepublishingworld，gottogetheroneortwomomentousluncheonparties，flittedinandoutof"Gambrinus"foroneortwoevenings，andreturnedhomewithanairofsubduedimportanceandtheasparagustintslightlyintensified。Thegreatideawasgenerallyforgottenafewweekslaterintheexcitementofsomenewdiscovery。

"TheinspirationcametomewhilstIwasdressing，"

announcedLucas；"itwillbeTHEthinginthenextmusic-

hallREVUE。AllLondonwillgomadoverit。It\'sjustacouplet；ofcoursetherewillbeotherwords，buttheywon\'tmatter。Listen：

CousinTeresatakesoutCaesar，Fido，Jock，andthebigborzoi。

Alifting，catchysortofrefrain，yousee，andbig-

drumbusinessonthetwosyllablesofbor-zoi。It\'simmense。AndI\'vethoughtoutallthebusinessofit；

thesingerwillsingthefirstversealone，thenduringthesecondverseCousinTeresawillwalkthrough，followedbyfourwoodendogsonwheels；CaesarwillbeanIrishterrier，Fidoablackpoodle，Jockafox-terrier，andtheborzoi，ofcourse，willbeaborzoi。DuringthethirdverseCousinTeresawillcomeonalone，andthedogswillbedrawnacrossbythemselvesfromtheoppositewing；thenCousinTeresawillcatchontothesingerandgooff-stageinonedirection，whilethedogs\'processiongoesoffintheother，crossingenroute，whichisalwaysveryeffective。There\'llbealotofapplausethere，andforthefourthverseCousinTeresawillcomeoninsablesandthedogswillallhavecoatson。ThenI\'vegotagreatideaforthefifthverse；eachofthedogswillbeledonbyaNut，andCousinTeresawillcomeonfromtheoppositeside，crossingenroute，alwayseffective，andthensheturnsroundandleadsthewholelotofthemoffonastring，andallthetimeeveryonesinginglikemad：

CousinTeresatakesoutCaesarFido，Jock，andthebigborzoi。

Tum-Tum！Drumbusinessonthetwolastsyllables。

I\'msoexcited，Ishan\'tsleepawinkto-night。I\'moffto-morrowbytheten-fifteen。I\'vewiredtoHermanovatolunchwithme。"

IfanyoftherestofthefamilyfeltanyexcitementoverthecreationofCousinTeresa，theyweresignallysuccessfulinconcealingthefact。

"PoorLucasdoestakehissillylittleideasseriously，"saidColonelHarrowcluffafterwardsinthesmoking-room。

"Yes，"saidhisyoungerson，inaslightlylesstoleranttone，"inadayortwohe\'llcomebackandtellusthathissensationalmasterpieceisabovetheheadsofthepublic，andinaboutthreeweeks\'timehe\'llbewildwithenthusiasmoveraschemetodramatisethepoemsofHerrickorsomethingequallypromising。"

Andthenanextraordinarythingbefell。IndefianceofallprecedentLucas\'sglowinganticipationswerejustifiedandendorsedbythecourseofevents。IfCousinTeresawasabovetheheadsofthepublic，thepublicheroicallyadapteditselftoheraltitude。

IntroducedasanexperimentatadullmomentinanewREVUE，thesuccessoftheitemwasunmistakable；thecallsweresoinsistentanduproariousthatevenLucas\'

ampledevisingsofadditional"business"scarcelysufficedtokeeppacewiththedemand。Packedhousesonsuccessiveeveningsconfirmedtheverdictofthefirstnightaudience，stallsandboxesfilledsignificantlyjustbeforetheturncameon，andemptiedsignificantlyafterthelastENCOREhadbeengiven。ThemanagertearfullyacknowledgedthatCousinTeresawasIt。Stagehandsandsupersandprogrammesellersacknowledgedittooneanotherwithouttheleastreservation。ThenameoftheREVUEdwindledtosecondaryimportance，andvastlettersofelectricblueblazonedthewords"CousinTeresa"fromthefrontofthegreatpalaceofpleasure。

And，ofcourse，themagicofthefamousrefrainlaiditsspellallovertheMetropolis。Restaurantproprietorswereobligedtoprovidethemembersoftheirorchestraswithpaintedwoodendogsonwheels，inorderthatthemuch-demandedandalwaysconcededmelodyshouldberenderedwiththenecessaryspectaculareffects，andthecrashofbottlesandforksonthetablesatthementionofthebigborzoiusuallydrownedthesinceresteffortsofdrumorcymbals。Nowhereandatnotimecouldonegetawayfromthedoublethumpthatbroughtuptherearoftherefrain；revellersreelinghomeatnightbangeditondoorsandhoardings，milkmenclashedtheircanstoitscadence，messengerboyshitsmallermessengerboysresoundingdoublesmacksonthesameprinciple。Andthemorethoughtfulcirclesofthegreatcitywerenotdeaftotheclaimsandsignificanceofthepopularmelody。Anenterprisingandemancipatedpreacherdiscoursedfromhispulpitontheinnermeaningof"CousinTeresa，"andLucasHarrowcluffwasinvitedtolectureonthesubjectofhisgreatachievementtomembersoftheYoungMens\'EndeavourLeague，theNineArtsClub，andotherlearnedandwilling-to-learnbodies。InSocietyitseemedtobetheonethingpeoplereallycaredtotalkabout；menandwomenofmiddleageandaverageeducationmightbeseentogetherincornersearnestlydiscussing，notthequestionwhetherServiashouldhaveanoutletontheAdriatic，orthepossibilitiesofaBritishsuccessininternationalpolocontests，butthemoreabsorbingtopicoftheproblematicAztecorNiloticoriginoftheTeresaMOTIV。

"Politicsandpatriotismaresoboringandsooutofdate，"saidareveredladywhohadsomepretensionstooracularutterance；"wearetoocosmopolitannowadaystobereallymovedbythem。Thatiswhyonewelcomesanintelligibleproductionlike\'CousinTeresa，\'thathasagenuinemessageforone。Onecan\'tunderstandthemessageallatonce，ofcourse，butonefeltfromtheveryfirstthatitwasthere。I\'vebeentoseeiteighteentimesandI\'mgoingagainto-morrowandonThursday。Onecan\'tseeitoftenenough。"

****

"ItwouldberatherapopularmoveifwegavethisHarrowcluffpersonaknighthoodorsomethingofthesort，"saidtheMinisterreflectively。

"WhichHarrowcluff？"askedhissecretary。

"Which？Thereisonlyone，isn\'tthere？"saidtheMinister；"the\'CousinTeresa\'man，ofcourse。Ithinkeveryonewouldbepleasedifweknightedhim。Yes，youcanputhimdownonthelistofcertainties-undertheletterL。"

"TheletterL，"saidthesecretary，whowasnewtohisjob；"doesthatstandforLiberalismorliberality？"

MostoftherecipientsofMinisterialfavourwereexpectedtoqualifyinbothofthosesubjects。

"Literature，"explainedtheMinister。

Andthus，afterafashion，ColonelHarrowcluff\'sexpectationofseeinghisson\'snameinthelistofHonourswasgratified。

THEYARKANDMANNER

SIRLULWORTHQUAYNEwasmakingaleisurelyprogressthroughtheZoologicalSociety\'sGardensincompanywithhisnephew，recentlyreturnedfromMexico。ThelatterwasinterestedincomparingandcontrastingalliedtypesofanimalsoccurringintheNorthAmericanandOldWorldfauna。

"Oneofthemostremarkablethingsinthewanderingsofspecies，"heobserved，"isthesuddenimpulsetotrekandmigratethatbreaksoutnowandagain，fornoapparentreason，incommunitiesofhithertostay-at-homeanimals。"

"Inhumanaffairsthesamephenomenonisoccasionallynoticeable，"saidSirLulworth；"perhapsthemoststrikinginstanceofitoccurredinthiscountrywhileyouwereawayinthewildsofMexico。ImeanthewanderfeverwhichsuddenlydisplayeditselfinthemanagingandeditorialstaffsofcertainLondonnewspapers。ItbeganwiththestampedeoftheentirestaffofoneofourmostbrilliantandenterprisingweekliestothebanksoftheSeineandtheheightsofMontmartre。Themigrationwasabriefone，butitheraldedaneraofrestlessnessinthePressworldwhichlentquiteanewmeaningtothephrase\'newspapercirculation。\'Othereditorialstaffswerenotslowtoimitatetheexamplethathadbeensetthem。Parissoondroppedoutoffashionasbeingtoonearhome；Nurnberg，Seville，andSalonicabecamemorefavouredasplanting-

outgroundsforthepersonnelofnotonlyweeklybutdailypapersaswell。Thelocalitieswereperhapsnotalwayswellchosen；thefactofaleadingorganofEvangelicalthoughtbeingeditedfortwosuccessivefortnightsfromTrouvilleandMonteCarlowasgenerallyadmittedtohavebeenamistake。Andevenwhenenterprisingandadventurouseditorstookthemselvesandtheirstaffsfurtherafieldthereweresomeunavoidableclashings。Forinstance，theSCRUTATOR，SPORTINGBLUFF，andTHEDAMSELS\'OWNPAPERallpitchedonKhartoumforthesameweek。Itwas，perhaps，adesiretoout-distanceallpossiblecompetitionthatinfluencedthemanagementoftheDAILYINTELLIGENCER，oneofthemostsolidandrespectedorgansofLiberalopinion，initsdecisiontotransferitsofficesforthreeorfourweeksfromFleetStreettoEasternTurkestan，allowing，ofcourse，anecessarymarginoftimeforthejourneythereandback。

Thiswas，inmanyrespects，themostremarkableofallthePressstampedesthatwereexperiencedatthistime。

Therewasnomake-believeabouttheundertaking；

proprietor，manager，editor，sub-editors，leader-writers，principalreporters，andsoforth，alltookpartinwhatwaspopularlyalludedtoastheDRANGNACHOSTEN；anintelligentandefficientoffice-boywasallthatwasleftinthedesertedhiveofeditorialindustry。"

"Thatwasdoingthingsratherthoroughly，wasn\'tit？"saidthenephew。

"Well，yousee，"saidSirLulworth，"themigrationideawasfallingsomewhatintodisreputefromthehalf-

heartedmannerinwhichitwasoccasionallycarriedout。

YouwerenotimpressedbytheinformationthatsuchandsuchapaperwasbeingeditedandbroughtoutatLisbonorInnsbruckifyouchancedtoseetheprincipalleader-

writerorthearteditorlunchingasusualattheiraccustomedrestaurants。TheDAILYINTELLIGENCERwasdeterminedtogivenoloopholeforcavilatthegenuinenessofitspilgrimage，anditmustbeadmittedthattoacertainextentthearrangementsmadefortransmittingcopyandcarryingontheusualfeaturesofthepaperduringthelongoutwardjourneyworkedsmoothlyandwell。TheseriesofarticleswhichcommencedatBakuon\'WhatCobdenismmightdoforthecamelindustry\'ranksamongthebestoftherecentcontributionstoFreeTradeliterature，whiletheviewsonforeignpolicyenunciated\'fromaroofinYarkand\'showedatleastasmuchgraspoftheinternationalsituationasthosethathadgerminatedwithinhalfamileofDowningStreet。Quiteinkeeping，too，withtheolderandbettertraditionsofBritishjournalismwasthemannerofthehome-coming；nobombast，nopersonaladvertisement，noflamboyantinterviews。

EvenacomplimentaryluncheonattheVoyagers\'Clubwascourteouslydeclined。Indeed，itbegantobefeltthattheself-effacementofthereturnedpressmenwasbeingcarriedtoapedanticlength。Foremancompositors，advertisementclerks，andothermembersofthenon-

editorialstaff，whohad，ofcourse，takennopartinthegreattrek，founditasimpossibletogetintodirectcommunicationwiththeeditorandhissatellitesnowthattheyhadreturnedaswhentheyhadbeenexcusablyinaccessibleinCentralAsia。Thesulky，overworkedoffice-boy，whowastheoneconnectinglinkbetweentheeditorialbrainandthebusinessdepartmentsofthepaper，sardonicallyexplainedthenewaloofnessasthe\'Yarkandmanner。\'Mostofthereportersandsub-editorsseemedtohavebeendismissedinautocraticfashionsincetheirreturnandnewonesengagedbyletter；tothesetheeditorandhisimmediateassociatesremainedanunseenpresence，issuingitsinstructionssolelythroughthemediumofcurttypewrittennotes。SomethingmysticandTibetanandforbiddenhadreplacedthehumanbustleanddemocraticsimplicityofpre-migrationdays，andthesameexperiencewasencounteredbythosewhomadesocialoverturestothereturnedwanderers。ThemostbrillianthostessofTwentiethCenturyLondonflungthepearlofherhospitalityintotheunresponsivetroughoftheeditorialletter-box；itseemedasifnothingshortofaRoyalcommandwoulddragthehermit-souledREVENANTSfromtheirself-imposedseclusion。PeoplebegantotalkunkindlyoftheeffectofhighaltitudesandEasternatmosphereonmindsandtemperamentsunusedtosuchluxuries。TheYarkandmannerwasnotpopular。"

"Andthecontentsofthepaper，"saidthenephew，"didtheyshowtheinfluenceofthenewstyle？"

"Ah！"saidSirLulworth，"thatwastheexcitingthing。Inhomeaffairs，socialquestions，andtheordinaryeventsofthedaynotmuchchangewasnoticeable。AcertainOrientalcarelessnessseemedtohavecreptintotheeditorialdepartment，andperhapsanoteoflassitudenotunnaturalintheworkofmenwhohadreturnedfromwhathadbeenafairlyarduousjourney。

Theaforetimestandardofexcellencewasscarcelymaintained，butatanyratethegenerallinesofpolicyandoutlookwerenotdepartedfrom。Itwasintherealmofforeignaffairsthatastartlingchangetookplace。

Blunt，forcible，outspokenarticlesappeared，couchedinlanguagewhichnearlyturnedtheautumnmanoeuvresofsiximportantPowersintomobilisations。WhateverelsetheDAILYINTELLIGENCERhadlearnedintheEast，ithadnotacquiredtheartofdiplomaticambiguity。Themaninthestreetenjoyedthearticlesandboughtthepaperashehadneverboughtitbefore；themeninDowningStreettookadifferentview。TheForeignSecretary，hithertoaccountedaratherreticentman，becamepositivelygarrulousinthecourseofperpetuallydisavowingthesentimentsexpressedintheDAILYINTELLIGENCER\'S

leaders；andthenonedaytheGovernmentcametotheconclusionthatsomethingdefiniteanddrasticmustbedone。Adeputation，consistingofthePrimeMinister，theForeignSecretary，fourleadingfinanciers，andawell-knownNonconformistdivine，madeitswaytotheofficesofthepaper。Atthedoorleadingtotheeditorialdepartmentthewaywasbarredbyanervousbutdefiantoffice-boy。

"\'Youcan\'tseetheeditornoranyofthestaff，\'

heannounced。

"\'Weinsistonseeingtheeditororsomeresponsibleperson，\'saidthePrimeMinister，andthedeputationforceditswayin。Theboyhadspokentruly；

therewasnoonetobeseen。Inthewholesuiteofroomstherewasnosignofhumanlife。

"\'Whereistheeditor？\'\'Ortheforeigneditor？\'

\'Orthechiefleader-writer？Oranybody？\'

"Inanswertotheshowerofquestionstheboyunlockedadrawerandproducedastrange-lookingenvelope，whichboreaKhokandpostmark，andadateofsomesevenoreightmonthsback。Itcontainedascrapofpaperonwhichwaswrittenthefollowingmessage：

"\'Entirepartycapturedbybrigandtribeonhomewardjourney。Quarterofmilliondemandedasransom，butwouldprobablytakeless。InformGovernment，relations，andfriends。\'

"Therefollowedthesignaturesoftheprincipalmembersofthepartyandinstructionsastohowandwherethemoneywastobepaid。

"Theletterhadbeendirectedtotheoffice-boy-in-

charge，whohadquietlysuppressedit。Nooneisaherotoone\'sownoffice-boy，andheevidentlyconsideredthataquarterofamillionwasanunwarrantableoutlayforsuchadoubtfullyadvantageousobjectastherepatriationofanerrantnewspaperstaff。Sohedrewtheeditorialandothersalaries，forgedwhatsignatureswerenecessary，engagednewreporters，didwhatsub-editinghecould，andmadeasmuchuseaspossibleofthelargeaccumulationofspecialarticlesthatwasheldinreserveforemergencies。Thearticlesonforeignaffairswereentirelyhisowncomposition。

"Ofcoursethewholethinghadtobekeptasquietaspossible；aninterimstaff，pledgedtosecrecy，wasappointedtokeepthepapergoingtillthepiningcaptivescouldbesoughtout，ransomed，andbroughthome，intwosandthreestoescapenotice，andgraduallythingswereputbackontheiroldfooting。Thearticlesonforeignaffairsrevertedtothewontedtraditionsofthepaper。"

"But，"interposedthenephew，"howonearthdidtheboyaccounttotherelativesallthosemonthsforthenon-appearance-"

"That，"saidSirLulworth，"wasthemostbrilliantstrokeofall。Tothewifeornearestrelativeofeachofthemissingmenheforwardedaletter，copyingthehandwritingofthesupposedwriteraswellashecould，andmakingexcusesaboutvilepensandink；ineachletterhetoldthesamestory，varyingonlythelocality，totheeffectthatthewriter，aloneofthewholeparty，wasunabletotearhimselfawayfromthewildlibertyandallurementsofEasternlife，andwasgoingtospendseveralmonthsroaminginsomeselectedregion。Manyofthewivesstartedoffimmediatelyinpursuitoftheirerranthusbands，andittooktheGovernmentaconsiderabletimeandmuchtroubletoreclaimthemfromtheirfruitlessquestsalongthebanksoftheOxus，theGobiDesert，theOrenburgsteppe，andotheroutlandishplaces。Oneofthem，Ibelieve，isstilllostsomewhereintheTigrisValley。"

"Andtheboy？"

"Isstillinjournalism。"

THEBYZANTINEOMELETTE

SOPHIECHATTEL-MONKHEIMwasaSocialistbyconvictionandaChattel-Monkheimbymarriage。Theparticularmemberofthatwealthyfamilywhomshehadmarriedwasrich，evenashisrelativescountedriches。

Sophiehadveryadvancedanddecidedviewsastothedistributionofmoney：itwasapleasingandfortunatecircumstancethatshealsohadthemoney。Whensheinveighedeloquentlyagainsttheevilsofcapitalismatdrawing-roommeetingsandFabianconferencesshewasconsciousofacomfortablefeelingthatthesystem，withallitsinequalitiesandiniquities，wouldprobablylasthertime。Itisoneoftheconsolationsofmiddle-agedreformersthatthegoodtheyinculcatemustliveafterthemifitistoliveatall。

Onacertainspringevening，somewheretowardsthedinner-hour，Sophiesattranquillybetweenhermirrorandhermaid，undergoingtheprocessofhavingherhairbuiltintoanelaboratereflectionoftheprevailingfashion。

Shewashedgedroundwithagreatpeace，thepeaceofonewhohasattainedadesiredendwithmucheffortandperseverance，andwhohasfounditstilleminentlydesirableinitsattainment。TheDukeofSyriahadconsentedtocomebeneathherroofasaguest，wasevennowinstalledbeneathherroof，andwouldshortlybesittingatherdining-table。AsagoodSocialist，Sophiedisapprovedofsocialdistinctions，andderidedtheideaofaprincelycaste，butifthereweretobetheseartificialgradationsofrankanddignityshewaspleasedandanxioustohaveanexaltedspecimenofanexaltedorderincludedinherhouse-party。Shewasbroad-mindedenoughtolovethesinnerwhilehatingthesin-notthatsheentertainedanywarmfeelingofpersonalaffectionfortheDukeofSyria，whowasacomparativestranger，butstill，asDukeofSyria，hewasvery，verywelcomebeneathherroof。Shecouldnothaveexplainedwhy，butnoonewaslikelytoaskherforanexplanation，andmosthostessesenviedher。

"Youmustsurpassyourselfto-night，Richardson，"

shesaidcomplacentlytohermaid；"Imustbelookingmyverybest。Wemustallsurpassourselves。"

Themaidsaidnothing，butfromtheconcentratedlookinhereyesandthedeftplayofherfingersitwasevidentthatshewasbesetwiththeambitiontosurpassherself。

Aknockcameatthedoor，aquietbutperemptoryknock，asofsomeonewhowouldnotbedenied。

"Goandseewhoitis，"saidSophie；"itmaybesomethingaboutthewine。"

Richardsonheldahurriedconferencewithaninvisiblemessengeratthedoor；whenshereturnedtherewasnoticeableacuriouslistlessnessinplaceofherhithertoalertmanner。

"Whatisit？"askedSophie。

"Thehouseholdservantshave\'downedtools，\'

madame，"saidRichardson。

"Downedtools！"exclaimedSophie；"doyoumeantosaythey\'vegoneonstrike？"

"Yes，madame，"saidRichardson，addingtheinformation："It\'sGasparethatthetroubleisabout。"

"Gaspare？"saidSophiewanderingly；"theemergencychef！Theomelettespecialist！"

"Yes，madame。Beforehebecameanomelettespecialisthewasavalet，andhewasoneofthestrike-

breakersinthegreatstrikeatLordGrimford\'stwoyearsago。Assoonasthehouseholdstaffherelearnedthatyouhadengagedhimtheyresolvedto`downtools\'asaprotest。Theyhaven\'tgotanygrievanceagainstyoupersonally，buttheydemandthatGaspareshouldbeimmediatelydismissed。"

"But，"protestedSophie，"heistheonlymaninEnglandwhounderstandshowtomakeaByzantineomelette。

IengagedhimspeciallyfortheDukeofSyria\'svisit，anditwouldbeimpossibletoreplacehimatshortnotice。IshouldhavetosendtoParis，andtheDukelovesByzantineomelettes。Itwastheonethingwetalkedaboutcomingfromthestation。"

"Hewasoneofthestrike-breakersatLordGrimford\'s，"reiteratedRichardson。

"Thisistooawful，"saidSophie；"astrikeofservantsatamomentlikethis，withtheDukeofSyriastayinginthehouse。Somethingmustbedoneimmediately。Quick，finishmyhairandI\'llgoandseewhatIcandotobringthemround。"

"Ican\'tfinishyourhair，madame，"saidRichardsonquietly，butwithimmensedecision。"IbelongtotheunionandIcan\'tdoanotherhalf-minute\'sworktillthestrikeissettled。I\'msorrytobedisobliging。"

"Butthisisinhuman！"exclaimedSophietragically；

"I\'vealwaysbeenamodelmistressandI\'verefusedtoemployanybutunionservants，andthisistheresult。I

can\'tfinishmyhairmyself；Idon\'tknowhowto。WhatamItodo？It\'swicked！"

"Wickedistheword，"saidRichardson；"I\'magoodConservativeandI\'venopatiencewiththisSocialistfoolery，askingyourpardon。It\'styranny，that\'swhatitis，allalongtheline，butI\'vemylivingtomake，sameasotherpeople，andI\'vegottobelongtotheunion。Icouldn\'ttouchanotherhair-pinwithoutastrikepermit，notifyouwastodoublemywages。"

ThedoorburstopenandCatherineMalsomragedintotheroom。

"Here\'saniceaffair，"shescreamed，"astrikeofhouseholdservantswithoutamoment\'swarning，andI\'mleftlikethis！Ican\'tappearinpublicinthiscondition。"

AfteraveryhastyscrutinySophieassuredherthatshecouldnot。

"Havetheyallstruck？"sheaskedhermaid。

"Notthekitchenstaff，"saidRichardson，"theybelongtoadifferentunion。"

"Dinneratleastwillbeassured，"saidSophie，"thatissomethingtobethankfulfor。"

"Dinner！"snortedCatherine，"whatonearthisthegoodofdinnerwhennoneofuswillbeabletoappearatit？Lookatyourhair-andlookatme！orrather，don\'t。"

"Iknowit\'sdifficulttomanagewithoutamaid；

can\'tyourhusbandbeanyhelptoyou？"askedSophiedespairingly。

"Henry？He\'sinworsecasethananyofus。Hismanistheonlypersonwhoreallyunderstandsthatridiculousnew-fangledTurkishbaththatheinsistsontakingwithhimeverywhere。"

"SurelyhecoulddowithoutaTurkishbathforoneevening，"saidSophie；"Ican\'tappearwithouthair，butaTurkishbathisaluxury。"

"Mygoodwoman，"saidCatherine，speakingwithafearfulintensity，"Henrywasinthebathwhenthestrikestarted。Init，doyouunderstand？He\'stherenow。"

"Can\'thegetout？"

"Hedoesn\'tknowhowto。Everytimehepullsthelevermarked\'release\'heonlyreleaseshotsteam。Therearetwokindsofsteaminthebath，\'bearable\'and\'scarcelybearable\'；hehasreleasedthemboth。BythistimeI\'mprobablyawidow。"

"Isimplycan\'tsendawayGaspare，"wailedSophie；

"Ishouldneverbeabletosecureanotheromelettespecialist。"

"AnydifficultythatImayexperienceinsecuringanotherhusbandisofcourseatriflebeneathanyone\'sconsideration，"saidCatherinebitterly。

Sophiecapitulated。"Go，"shesaidtoRichardson，"andtelltheStrikeCommittee，orwhoeveraredirectingthisaffair，thatGaspareisherewithdismissed。AndaskGasparetoseemepresentlyinthelibrary，whenIwillpayhimwhatisduetohimandmakewhatexcusesIcan；

andthenflybackandfinishmyhair。"

SomehalfanhourlaterSophiemarshalledherguestsintheGrandSalonpreparatorytotheformalmarchtothedining-room。ExceptthatHenryMalsomwasoftheriperaspberrytintthatonesometimesseesatprivatetheatricalsrepresentingthehumancomplexion，therewaslittleoutwardsignamongthoseassembledofthecrisisthathadjustbeenencounteredandsurmounted。Butthetensionhadbeentoostupefyingwhileitlastednottoleavesomementaleffectsbehindit。Sophietalkedatrandomtoherillustriousguest，andfoundhereyesstrayingwithincreasingfrequencytowardsthegreatdoorsthroughwhichwouldpresentlycometheblessedannouncementthatdinnerwasserved。Nowandagainsheglancedmirror-wardatthereflectionofherwonderfullycoiffedhair，asaninsuranceunderwritermightgazethankfullyatanoverduevesselthathadriddensafelyintoharbourinthewakeofadevastatinghurricane。

Thenthedoorsopenedandthewelcomefigureofthebutlerenteredtheroom。Buthemadenogeneralannouncementofabanquetinreadiness，andthedoorsclosedbehindhim；hismessagewasforSophiealone。

"Thereisnodinner，madame，"hesaidgravely；"thekitchenstaffhave\'downedtools。\'GasparebelongstotheUnionofCooksandKitchenEmployees，andassoonastheyheardofhissummarydismissalatamoment\'snoticetheystruckwork。Theydemandhisinstantreinstatementandanapologytotheunion。Imayadd，madame，thattheyareveryfirm；I\'vebeenobligedeventohandbackthedinnerrollsthatwerealreadyonthetable。"

AfterthelapseofeighteenmonthsSophieChattel-

Monkheimisbeginningtogoaboutagainamongheroldhauntsandassociates，butshestillhastobeverycareful。Thedoctorswillnotletherattendanythingatallexciting，suchasadrawing-roommeetingoraFabianconference；itisdoubtful，indeed，whethershewantsto。

THEFEASTOFNEMESIS

"IT\'SagoodthingthatSaintValentine\'sDayhasdroppedoutofvogue，"saidMrs。Thackenbury；"whatwithChristmasandNewYearandEaster，nottospeakofbirthdays，therearequiteenoughremembrancedaysasitis。ItriedtosavemyselftroubleatChristmasbyjustsendingflowerstoallmyfriends，butitwouldn\'twork；

Gertrudehaselevenhot-housesandaboutthirtygardeners，soitwouldhavebeenridiculoustosendflowerstoher，andMillyhasjuststartedaflorist\'sshop，soitwasequallyoutofthequestionthere。ThestressofhavingtodecideinahurrywhattogivetoGertrudeandMillyjustwhenIthoughtI\'dgotthewholequestionnicelyoffmymindcompletelyruinedmyChristmas，andthentheawfulmonotonyofthelettersofthanks：\'Thankyousomuchforyourlovelyflowers。Itwassogoodofyoutothinkofme。\'OfcourseinthemajorityofcasesIhadn\'tthoughtabouttherecipientsatall；theirnamesweredowninmylistof\'peoplewhomustnotbeleftout。\'IfItrustedtorememberingthemtherewouldbesomeawfulsinsofomission。"

"Thetroubleis，"saidClovistohisaunt，"allthesedaysofintrusiveremembranceharpsopersistentlyononeaspectofhumannatureandentirelyignoretheother；thatiswhytheybecomesoperfunctoryandartificial。AtChristmasandNewYearyouareemboldenedandencouragedbyconventiontosendgushingmessagesofoptimisticgoodwillandservileaffectiontopeoplewhomyouwouldscarcelyasktolunchunlesssomeoneelsehadfailedyouatthelastmoment；ifyouaresuppingatarestaurantonNewYear\'sEveyouarepermittedandexpectedtojoinhandsandsing\'ForAuldLangSyne\'withstrangerswhomyouhaveneverseenbeforeandneverwanttoseeagain。Butnolicenceisallowedintheoppositedirection。"

"Oppositedirection；whatoppositedirection？"

queriedMrs。Thackenbury。

"Thereisnooutletfordemonstratingyourfeelingstowardspeoplewhomyousimplyloathe。Thatisreallythecryingneedofourmoderncivilisation。Justthinkhowjollyitwouldbeifarecogniseddayweresetapartforthepayingoffofoldscoresandgrudges，adaywhenonecouldlayoneselfouttobegracefullyvindictivetoacarefullytreasuredlistof\'peoplewhomustnotbeletoff。\'IrememberwhenIwasataprivateschoolwehadoneday，thelastMondayofthetermIthinkitwas，consecratedtothesettlementoffeudsandgrudges；ofcoursewedidnotappreciateitasmuchasitdeserved，because，afterall，anydayofthetermcouldbeusedforthatpurpose。Still，ifonehadchastisedasmallerboyforbeingcheekyweeksbefore，onewasalwayspermittedonthatdaytorecalltheepisodetohismemorybychastisinghimagain。ThatiswhattheFrenchcallreconstructingthecrime。"

"Ishouldcallitreconstructingthepunishment，"

saidMrs。Thackenbury；"and，anyhow，Idon\'tseehowyoucouldintroduceasystemofprimitiveschoolboyvengeanceintocivilisedadultlife。Wehaven\'toutgrownourpassions，butwearesupposedtohavelearnedhowtokeepthemwithinstrictlydecorouslimits。"

"Ofcoursethethingwouldhavetobedonefurtivelyandpolitely，"saidClovis；"thecharmofitwouldbethatitwouldneverbeperfunctoryliketheotherthing。

Now，forinstance，yousaytoyourself：\'ImustshowtheWebleyssomeattentionatChristmas，theywerekindtodearBertieatBournemouth，\'andyousendthemacalendar，anddailyforsixdaysafterChristmasthemaleWebleyasksthefemaleWebleyifshehasrememberedtothankyouforthecalendaryousentthem。Well，transplantthatideatotheotherandmorehumansideofyournature，andsaytoyourself：\'NextThursdayisNemesisDay；whatonearthcanIdotothoseodiouspeoplenextdoorwhomadesuchanabsurdfusswhenPingYangbittheiryoungestchild？\'Thenyou\'dgetupawfullyearlyontheallotteddayandclimboverintotheirgardenanddigfortrufflesontheirtenniscourtwithagoodgardeningfork，choosing，ofcourse，thatpartofthecourtthatwasscreenedfromobservationbythelaurelbushes。Youwouldn\'tfindanytrufflesbutyouwouldfindagreatpeace，suchasnoamountofpresent-givingcouldeverbestow。"

"Ishouldn\'t，"saidMrs。Thackenbury，thoughherairofprotestsoundedabitforced；"Ishouldfeelratherawormfordoingsuchathing。"

"Youexaggeratethepowerofupheavalwhichawormwouldbeabletobringintoplayinthelimitedtimeavailable，"saidClovis；"ifyouputinastrenuoustenminuteswithareallyusefulfork，theresultoughttosuggesttheoperationsofanunusuallymasterfulmoleorabadgerinahurry。"

"TheymightguessIhaddoneit，"saidMrs。

Thackenbury。

"Ofcoursetheywould，"saidClovis；"thatwouldbehalfthesatisfactionofthething，justasyoulikepeopleatChristmastoknowwhatpresentsorcardsyou\'vesentthem。Thethingwouldbemucheasiertomanage，ofcourse，whenyouwereonoutwardlyfriendlytermswiththeobjectofyourdislike。ThatgreedylittleAgnesBlaik，forinstance，whothinksofnothingbutherfood，itwouldbequitesimpletoaskhertoapicnicinsomewildwoodlandspotandloseherjustbeforelunchwasserved；whenyoufoundheragaineverymorseloffoodcouldhavebeeneatenup。"

"ItwouldrequirenoordinaryhumanstrategytoloseAgnesBlaikwhenluncheonwasimminent：infact，Idon\'tbelieveitcouldbedone。"

"Thenhavealltheotherguests，peoplewhomyoudislike，andlosetheluncheon。Itcouldhavebeensentbyaccidentinthewrongdirection。"

"Itwouldbeaghastlypicnic，"saidMrs。

Thackenbury。

"Forthem，butnotforyou，"saidClovis；"youwouldhavehadanearlyandcomfortinglunchbeforeyoustarted，andyoucouldimprovetheoccasionbymentioningindetailtheitemsofthemissingbanquet-thelobsterNewburgandtheeggmayonnaise，andthecurrythatwastohavebeenheatedinachafing-dish。AgnesBlaikwouldbedeliriouslongbeforeyougottothelistofwines，andinthelongintervalofwaiting，beforetheyhadquiteabandonedhopeofthelunchturningup，youcouldinducethemtoplaysillygames，suchasthatidioticoneof\'theLordMayor\'sdinner-party，\'inwhicheveryonehastochoosethenameofadishanddosomethingfutilewhenitiscalledout。Inthiscasetheywouldprobablyburstintotearswhentheirdishismentioned。Itwouldbeaheavenlypicnic。"

Mrs。Thackenburywassilentforamoment；shewasprobablymakingamentallistofthepeopleshewouldliketoinvitetotheDukeHumphreypicnic。Presentlysheasked："Andthatodiousyoungman，WaldoPlubley，whoisalwayscoddlinghimself-haveyouthoughtofanythingthatonecoulddotohim？"EvidentlyshewasbeginningtoseethepossibilitiesofNemesisDay。

"Iftherewasanythinglikeageneralobservanceofthefestival，"saidClovis，"Waldowouldbeinsuchdemandthatyouwouldhavetobespeakhimweeksbeforehand，andeventhen，iftherewereaneastwindblowingoracloudortwointheskyhemightbetoocarefulofhispreciousselftocomeout。Itwouldberatherjollyifyoucouldlurehimintoahammockintheorchard，justnearthespotwherethereisawasps\'nesteverysummer。Acomfortablehammockonawarmafternoonwouldappealtohisindolenttastes，andthen，whenhewasgettingdrowsy，alightedfuseethrownintothenestwouldbringthewaspsoutinanindignantmass，andtheywouldsoonfinda\'homeawayfromhome\'onWaldo\'sfatbody。Ittakessomedoingtogetoutofahammockinahurry。"

"Theymightstinghimtodeath，"protestedMrs。

Thackenbury。

"Waldoisoneofthosepeoplewhowouldbeenormouslyimprovedbydeath，"saidClovis；"butifyoudidn\'twanttogoasfarasthat，youcouldhavesomewetstrawreadytohand，andsetitalightunderthehammockatthesametimethatthefuseewasthrownintothenest；

thesmokewouldkeepallbutthemostmilitantofthewaspsjustoutsidethestingingline，andaslongasWaldoremainedwithinitsprotectionhewouldescapeseriousdamage，andcouldbeeventuallyrestoredtohismother，kipperedalloverandswolleninplaces，butstillperfectlyrecognisable。"

"Hismotherwouldbemyenemyforlife，"saidMrs。

Thackenbury。

"ThatwouldbeonegreetinglesstoexchangeatChristmas，"saidClovis。

THEDREAMER

ITwastheseasonofsales。TheaugustestablishmentofWalpurgisandNettlepinkhadlowereditspricesforanentireweekasaconcessiontotradeobservances，muchasanArch-duchessmightprotestinglycontractanattackofinfluenzafortheunsatisfactoryreasonthatinfluenzawaslocallyprevalent。AdelaChemping，whoconsideredherselfinsomemeasuresuperiortotheallurementsofanordinarybargainsale，madeapointofattendingthereductionweekatWalpurgisandNettlepink\'s。

"I\'mnotabargainhunter，"shesaid，"butIliketogowherebargainsare。"

Whichshowedthatbeneathhersurfacestrengthofcharacterthereflowedagraciousundercurrentofhumanweakness。

WithaviewtoprovidingherselfwithamaleescortMrs。Chempinghadinvitedheryoungestnephewtoaccompanyheronthefirstdayoftheshoppingexpedition，throwingintheadditionalallurementofacinematographtheatreandtheprospectoflightrefreshment。AsCyprianwasnotyeteighteenshehopedhemightnothavereachedthatstageinmasculinedevelopmentwhenparcel-carryingislookedonasathingabhorrent。

"Meetmejustoutsidethefloraldepartment，"shewrotetohim，"anddon\'tbeamomentlaterthaneleven。"

Cyprianwasaboywhocarriedwithhimthroughearlylifethewonderinglookofadreamer，theeyesofonewhoseesthingsthatarenotvisibletoordinarymortals，andinveststhecommonplacethingsofthisworldwithqualitiesunsuspectedbyplainerfolk-theeyesofapoetorahouseagent。Hewasquietlydressed-thatsartorialquietudewhichfrequentlyaccompaniesearlyadolescence，andisusuallyattributedbynovel-writerstotheinfluenceofawidowedmother。Hishairwasbrushedbackinasmoothnessasofribbonseaweedandseamedwithanarrowfurrowthatscarcelyaimedatbeingaparting。Hisauntparticularlynotedthisitemofhistoiletwhentheymetattheappointedrendezvous，becausehewasstandingwaitingforherbare-headed。

"Whereisyourhat？"sheasked。

"Ididn\'tbringonewithme，"hereplied。

AdelaChempingwasslightlyscandalised。

"YouarenotgoingtobewhattheycallaNut，areyou？"sheinquiredwithsomeanxiety，partlywiththeideathataNutwouldbeanextravagancewhichhersister\'ssmallhouseholdwouldscarcelybejustifiedinincurring，partly，perhaps，withtheinstinctiveapprehensionthataNut，eveninitsembryostage，wouldrefusetocarryparcels。

Cyprianlookedatherwithhiswondering，dreamyeyes。

"Ididn\'tbringahat，"hesaid，"becauseitissuchanuisancewhenoneisshopping；Imeanitissoawkwardifonemeetsanyoneoneknowsandhastotakeone\'shatoffwhenone\'shandsarefullofparcels。Ifonehasn\'tgotahatononecan\'ttakeitoff。"

Mrs。Chempingsighedwithgreatrelief；herworstfearhadbeenlaidatrest。

"Itismoreorthodoxtowearahat，"sheobserved，andthenturnedherattentionbrisklytothebusinessinhand。

"Wewillgofirsttothetable-linencounter，"shesaid，leadingthewayinthatdirection；"Ishouldliketolookatsomenapkins。"

ThewonderinglookdeepenedinCyprian\'seyesashefollowedhisaunt；hebelongedtoagenerationthatissupposedtobeover-fondoftheroleofmerespectator，butlookingatnapkinsthatonedidnotmeantobuywasapleasurebeyondhiscomprehension。Mrs。Chempingheldoneortwonapkinsuptothelightandstaredfixedlyatthem，asthoughshehalfexpectedtofindsomerevolutionarycypherwrittenontheminscarcelyvisibleink；thenshesuddenlybrokeawayinthedirectionoftheglasswaredepartment。

"Millicentaskedmetogetheracoupleofdecantersiftherewereanygoingreallycheap，"sheexplainedontheway，"andIreallydowantasaladbowl。Icancomebacktothenapkinslateron。"

Shehandledandscrutinisedalargenumberofdecantersandalongseriesofsaladbowls，andfinallyboughtsevenchrysanthemumvases。

"Nooneusesthatkindofvasenowadays，"sheinformedCyprian，"buttheywilldoforpresentsnextChristmas。"

TwosunshadesthatweremarkeddowntoapricethatMrs。Chempingconsideredabsurdlycheapwereaddedtoherpurchases。

"OneofthemwilldoforRuthColson；sheisgoingouttotheMalayStates，andasunshadewillalwaysbeusefulthere。AndImustgethersomethinwritingpaper。Ittakesupnoroominone\'sbaggage。"

Mrs。Chempingboughtstacksofwritingpaper；itwassocheap，anditwentsoflatinatrunkorportmanteau。

Shealsoboughtafewenvelopes-envelopessomehowseemedratheranextragavancecomparedwithnotepaper。

"DoyouthinkRuthwilllikeblueorgreypaper？"

sheaskedCyprian。

"Grey，"saidCyprian，whohadnevermettheladyinquestion。

"Haveyouanymauvenotepaperofthisquality？"

Adelaaskedtheassistant。

"Wehaven\'tanymauve，"saidtheassistant，"butwe\'vetwoshadesofgreenandadarkershadeofgrey。"

Mrs。Chempinginspectedthegreensandthedarkergrey，andchosetheblue。

"Nowwecanhavesomelunch，"shesaid。

Cyprianbehavedinanexemplaryfashionintherefreshmentdepartment，andcheerfullyacceptedafishcakeandamincepieandasmallcupofcoffeeasadequaterestorativesaftertwohoursofconcentratedshopping。Hewasadamant，however，inresistinghisaunt\'ssuggestionthatahatshouldbeboughtforhimatthecounterwheremen\'sheadwearwasbeingdisposedofattemptinglyreducedprices。

"I\'vegotasmanyhatsasIwantathome，"hesaid，"andbesides，itrumplesone\'shairso，tryingthemon。"

PerhapshewasgoingtodevelopintoaNutafterall。Itwasadisquietingsymptomthatheleftalltheparcelsinchargeofthecloak-roomattendant。

"Weshallbegettingmoreparcelspresently，"hesaid，"soweneednotcollectthesetillwehavefinishedourshopping。"

Hisauntwasdoubtfullyappeased；someofthepleasureandexcitementofashoppingexpeditionseemedtoevaporatewhenonewasdeprivedofimmediatepersonalcontactwithone\'spurchases。

"I\'mgoingtolookatthosenapkinsagain，"shesaid，astheydescendedthestairstothegroundfloor。

"Youneednotcome，"sheadded，asthedreaminglookintheboy\'seyeschangedforamomentintooneofmuteprotest，"youcanmeetmeafterwardsinthecutlerydepartment；I\'vejustrememberedthatIhaven\'tacorkscrewinthehousethatcanbedependedon。"

Cyprianwasnottobefoundinthecutlerydepartmentwhenhisauntinduecoursearrivedthere，butinthecrushandbustleofanxiousshoppersandbusyattendantsitwasaneasymattertomissanyone。ItwasintheleathergoodsdepartmentsomequarterofanhourlaterthatAdelaChempingcaughtsightofhernephew，separatedfromherbyarampartofsuit-casesandportmanteauxandhemmedinbythejostlingcrushofhumanbeingsthatnowinvadedeverycornerofthegreatshoppingemporium。ShewasjustintimetowitnessapardonablebutratherembarrassingmistakeonthepartofaladywhohadwriggledherwaywithunstayabledeterminationtowardsthebareheadedCyprian，andwasnowbreathlesslydemandingthesalepriceofahandbagwhichhadtakenherfancy。

"Therenow，"exclaimedAdelatoherself，"shetakeshimforoneoftheshopassistantsbecausehehasn\'tgotahaton。Iwonderithasn\'thappenedbefore。"

Perhapsithad。Cyprian，atanyrate，seemedneitherstartlednorembarrassedbytheerrorintowhichthegoodladyhadfallen。Examiningtheticketonthebag，heannouncedinaclear，dispassionatevoice：

"Blackseal，thirty-fourshillings，markeddowntotwenty-eight。Asamatteroffact，weareclearingthemoutataspecialreductionpriceoftwenty-sixshillings。

Theyaregoingoffratherfast。"

"I\'lltakeit，"saidthelady，eagerlydiggingsomecoinsoutofherpurse。

"Willyoutakeitasitis？"askedCyprian；"itwillbeamatterofafewminutestogetitwrappedup，thereissuchacrush。"

"Nevermind，I\'lltakeitasitis，"saidthepurchaser，clutchinghertreasureandcountingthemoneyintoCyprian\'spalm。

SeveralkindstrangershelpedAdelaintotheopenair。

"It\'sthecrushandtheheat，"saidonesympathisertoanother；"it\'senoughtoturnanyonegiddy。"

WhenshenextcameacrossCyprianhewasstandinginthecrowdthatpushedandjostledaroundthecountersofthebookdepartment。Thedreamlookwasdeeperthaneverinhiseyes。HehadjustsoldtwobooksofdevotiontoanelderlyCanon。

THEQUINCETREE

"I\'VEjustbeentoseeoldBetsyMullen，"announcedVeratoheraunt，Mrs。BebberlyCumble；"sheseemsinratherabadwayaboutherrent。Sheowesaboutfifteenweeksofit，andsaysshedoesn\'tknowwhereanyofitistocomefrom。"

"BetsyMullenalwaysisindifficultieswithherrent，andthemorepeoplehelpherwithitthelessshetroublesaboutit，"saidtheaunt。"Icertainlyamnotgoingtoassistheranymore。Thefactis，shewillhavetogointoasmallerandcheapercottage；thereareseveraltobehadattheotherendofthevillageforhalftherentthatsheispaying，orsupposedtobepaying，now。Itoldherayearagothatsheoughttomove。"

"Butshewouldn\'tgetsuchanicegardenanywhereelse，"protestedVera，"andthere\'ssuchajollyquincetreeinthecorner。Idon\'tsupposethere\'sanotherquincetreeinthewholeparish。Andshenevermakesanyquincejam；Ithinktohaveaquincetreeandnottomakequincejamshowssuchstrengthofcharacter。Oh，shecan\'tpossiblymoveawayfromthatgarden。"

"Whenoneissixteen，"saidMrs。BebberlyCumbleseverely，"onetalksofthingsbeingimpossiblewhicharemerelyuncongenial。ItisnotonlypossiblebutitisdesirablethatBetsyMullenshouldmoveintosmallerquarters；shehasscarcelyenoughfurnituretofillthatbigcottage。"