第1章

TheMoralPrincipleandtheMaterialInterestTheCrimsonCandleTheBlottedEscutcheonandtheSoiledErmineTheIngeniousPatriotTwoKingsAnOfficerandaThugTheConscientiousOfficialHowLeisureCameTheMoralSentimentThePoliticiansTheThoughtfulWardenTheTreasuryandtheArmsTheChristianSerpentTheBroomoftheTempleTheCriticsTheFoolishWomanFatherandSonTheDiscontentedMalefactorACalltoQuitTheManandtheLightningTheLassoedBearTheIneffectiveRooterAProtagonistofSilverTheHolyDeaconAHastySettlementTheWoodenGunsTheReformSchoolBoardThePoet’sDoomTheNoserandtheNoteTheCatandtheKingTheLiteraryAstronomerTheLionandtheRattlesnakeTheManwithNoEnemiesTheAldermanandtheRaccoonTheFlying—MachineTheAngel’sTearTheCityofPoliticalDistinctionThePartyOverThereThePoetessofReformTheUnchangedDiplomatistAnInvitationTheAshesofMadameBlavatskyTheOpossumoftheFutureTheLife—SaversTheAustralianGrasshopperThePaviorTheTriedAssassinTheBumboofJiamTheTwoPoetsTheThistlesupontheGraveTheShadowoftheLeaderTheSagaciousRatTheMemberandtheSoapAlarmandPrideACausewayTwoinTroubleTheWitch’sSteedTheAllDogTheFarmer’sFriendPhysiciansTwoTheOverlookedFactorARacialParallelTheHonestCadiTheKangarooandtheZebraAMatterofMethodTheManofPrincipleTheReturnedCalifornianTheCompassionatePhysicianTwooftheDamnedTheAustereGovernorReligionsofErrorThePenitentElectorTheTailoftheSphinxAProphetofEvilTheCrewoftheLife—boatATreatyofPeaceTheNightsideofCharacterTheFaithfulCashierTheCircularClewTheDevotedWidowTheHardyPatriotsTheHumblePeasantTheVariousDelegationTheNoCaseAHarmlessVisitorTheJudgeandtheRashActThePrerogativeofMightAnInflatedAmbitionRejectedServicesThePoweroftheScalawagAtLarge—OneTemperTheSeekerandtheSoughtHisFly—SpeckMajestyThePugilist’sDietTheOldManandthePupilTheDeceasedandhisHeirsThePoliticiansandthePlunderTheManandtheWartTheDividedDelegationAForfeitedRightRevengeAnOptimistAValuableSuggestionTwoFootpadsEquippedforServiceTheBaskingCycloneAtthePoleTheOptimistandtheCynicThePoetandtheEditorTheTakenHandAnUnspeakableImbecileANeedfulWarTheMineOwnerandtheJackassTheDogandthePhysicianThePartyManagerandtheGentleman。

TheLegislatorandtheCitizenTheRainmakerTheCitizenandtheSnakesFortuneandtheFabulistASmilingIdolPhilosophersThreeTheBonelessKingUncalculatingZealATranspositionTheHonestCitizenACreakingTailWastedSweetsSixandOneTheSportsmanandtheSquirrelTheFogyandtheSheikAtHeaven’sGateTheCattedAnarchistTheHonourableMemberTheExpatriatedBossAnInadequateFeeTheJudgeandthePlaintiffTheReturnoftheRepresentativeAStatesmanTwoDogsThreeRecruitsTheMirrorSaintandSinnerAnAntidoteAWearyEchoTheIngeniousBlackmailerATalismanTheAncientOrderAFatalDisorderTheMassacreAShipandaManCongressandthePeopleTheJusticeandHisAccuserTheHighwaymanandtheTravellerThePolicemanandtheCitizenTheWriterandtheTrampsTwoPoliticiansTheFugitiveOfficeTheTyrantFrogTheEligibleSon—in—LawTheStatesmanandtheHorseAnAErophobeTheThriftofStrengthTheGoodGovernmentTheLife—SaverTheManandtheBirdFromtheMinutesThreeofaKindTheFabulistandtheAnimalsARevivalistRevivedTheDebatersTwoofthePiousTheDesperateObjectTheAppropriateMemorialANeedlessLabourAFlourishingIndustryTheSelf—MadeMonkeyThePatriotandtheBankerTheMourningBrothersTheDisinterestedArbiterTheThiefandtheHonestManTheDutifulSonAesopusEmendatusTheCatandtheYouthTheFarmerandHisSonsJupiterandtheBabyShowTheManandtheDogTheCatandtheBirdsMercuryandtheWoodchopperTheFoxandtheGrapesThePenitentThiefTheArcherandtheEagleTruthandtheTravellerTheWolfandtheLambTheLionandtheBoarTheGrasshopperandtheAntTheFisherandtheFishedTheFarmerandtheFoxDameFortuneandtheTravellerTheVictorandtheVictimTheWolfandtheShepherdsTheGooseandtheSwanTheLion，theCock，andtheAssTheSnakeandtheSwallowTheWolvesandtheDogsTheHenandtheVipersASeasonableJokeTheLionandtheThornTheFawnandtheBuckTheKite，thePigeons，andtheHawkTheWolfandtheBabeTheWolfandtheOstrichTheHerdsmanandtheLionTheManandtheViperTheManandtheEagleTheWar—horseandtheMillerTheDogandtheReflectionTheManandtheFish—hornTheHareandtheTortoiseHerculesandtheCarterTheLionandtheBullTheManandhisGooseTheWolfandtheFeedingGoatJupiterandtheBirdsTheLionandtheMouseTheOldManandhisSonsTheCrabandhisSonTheNorthWindandtheSunTheMountainandtheMouseTheBellamyandtheMembersOldSawswithNewTeethTheWolfandtheCraneTheLionandtheMouseTheHaresandtheFrogsTheBellyandtheMembersThePipingFishermanTheAntsandtheGrasshopperTheDogandHisReflectionTheLion，theBear，andtheFoxTheAssandtheLion’sSkinTheAssandtheGrasshoppersTheWolfandtheLionTheHareandtheTortoiseTheMilkmaidandHerBucketKingLogandKingStorkTheWolfWhoWouldBeaLionTheMonkeyandtheNutsTheBoysandtheFrogsTheMoralPrincipleandtheMaterialInterestAMORALPrinciplemetaMaterialInterestonabridgewideenoughforbutone。

"Down，youbasething!"thunderedtheMoralPrinciple，"andletmepassoveryou!"

TheMaterialInterestmerelylookedintheother’seyeswithoutsayinganything。

"Ah，"saidtheMoralPrinciple，hesitatingly，"letusdrawlotstoseewhichshallretiretilltheotherhascrossed。"

TheMaterialInterestmaintainedanunbrokensilenceandanunwaveringstare。

"Inordertoavoidaconflict，"theMoralPrincipleresumed，somewhatuneasily，"Ishallmyselfliedownandletyouwalkoverme。"

ThentheMaterialInterestfoundatongue，andbyastrangecoincidenceitwasitsowntongue。"Idon’tthinkyouareverygoodwalking，"itsaid。"IamalittleparticularaboutwhatI

haveunderfoot。Supposeyougetoffintothewater。"

Itoccurredthatway。

TheCrimsonCandleAMANlyingatthepointofdeathcalledhiswifetohisbedsideandsaid：

"Iamabouttoleaveyouforever；giveme，therefore，onelastproofofyouraffectionandfidelity，for，accordingtoourholyreligion，amarriedmanseekingadmittanceatthegateofHeavenisrequiredtoswearthathehasneverdefiledhimselfwithanunworthywoman。Inmydeskyouwillfindacrimsoncandle，whichhasbeenblessedbytheHighPriestandhasapeculiarmysticalsignificance。Sweartomethatwhileitisinexistenceyouwillnotremarry。"

TheWomansworeandtheMandied。AtthefuneraltheWomanstoodattheheadofthebier，holdingalightedcrimsoncandletillitwaswastedentirelyaway。

TheBlottedEscutcheonandtheSoiledErmineABLOTTEDEscutcheon，risingtoaquestionofprivilege，said：

"Mr。Speaker，Iwishtohurlbackanallegationandexplainthatthespotsuponmearethenaturalmarkingsofonewhoisadirectdescendantofthesunandaspottedfawn。Theycomeofnoaccidentofcharacter，butinhereinthedivineorderandconstitutionofthings。"

WhentheBlottedEscutcheonhadresumedhisseataSoiledErmineroseandsaid：

"Mr。Speaker，Ihaveheardwithprofoundattentionandentireapprovaltheexplanationofthehonourablemember，andwishtoofferafewremarksonmyownbehalf。I，too，havebeenfoullycalumniatedbyourancientenemy，theInfamousFalsehood，andI

wishtopointoutthatIammadeofthefuroftheMUSTELA

MACULATA，whichisdirtyfrombirth。"

TheIngeniousPatriotHAVINGobtainedanaudienceoftheKinganIngeniousPatriotpulledapaperfromhispocket，saying：

"MayitpleaseyourMajesty，Ihavehereaformulaforconstructingarmour—platingwhichnoguncanpierce。IftheseplatesareadoptedintheRoyalNavyourwarshipswillbeinvulnerable，andthereforeinvincible。Here，also，arereportsofyourMajesty’sMinisters，attestingthevalueoftheinvention。Iwillpartwithmyrightinitforamilliontumtums。"

Afterexaminingthepapers，theKingputthemawayandpromisedhimanorderontheLordHighTreasureroftheExtortionDepartmentforamilliontumtums。

"Andhere，"saidtheIngeniousPatriot，pullinganotherpaperfromanotherpocket，"aretheworkingplansofagunthatIhaveinvented，whichwillpiercethatarmour。YourMajesty’sRoyalBrother，theEmperorofBang，isanxioustopurchaseit，butloyaltytoyourMajesty’sthroneandpersonconstrainsmetoofferitfirsttoyourMajesty。Thepriceisonemilliontumtums。"

Havingreceivedthepromiseofanothercheck，hethrusthishandintostillanotherpocket，remarking：

"Thepriceoftheirresistiblegunwouldhavebeenmuchgreater，yourMajesty，butforthefactthatitsmissilescanbesoeffectivelyavertedbymypeculiarmethodoftreatingthearmourplateswithanew—"

TheKingsignedtotheGreatHeadFactotumtoapproach。

"Searchthisman，"hesaid，"andreporthowmanypocketshehas。"

"Forty—three，Sire，"saidtheGreatHeadFactotum，completingthescrutiny。

"MayitpleaseyourMajesty，"criedtheIngeniousPatriot，interror，"oneofthemcontainstobacco。"

"Holdhimupbytheanklesandshakehim，"saidtheKing；"thengivehimacheckforforty—twomilliontumtumsandputhimtodeath。Letadecreeissuedeclaringingenuityacapitaloffence。"

TwoKingsTHEKingofMadagao，beingengagedinadisputewiththeKingofBornegascar，wrotehimasfollows：

"BeforeproceedingfurtherinthismatterIdemandtherecallofyourMinisterfrommycapital。"

Greatlyenragedbythisimpossibledemand，theKingofBornegascarreplied：

"IshallnotrecallmyMinister。Moreover，ifyoudonotimmediatelyretractyourdemandIshallwithdrawhim!"

ThisthreatsoterrifiedtheKingofMadagaothatinhasteningtocomplyhefelloverhisownfeet，breakingtheThirdCommandment。

AnOfficerandaThugACHIEFofPolicewhohadseenanOfficerbeatingaThugwasveryindignant，andsaidhemustnotdosoanymoreonpainofdismissal。

"Don’tbetoohardonme，"saidtheOfficer，smiling；"Iwasbeatinghimwithastuffedclub。"

"Nevertheless，"persistedtheChiefofPolice，"itwasalibertythatmusthavebeenverydisagreeable，thoughitmaynothavehurt。

Pleasedonotrepeatit。"

"But，"saidtheOfficer，stillsmiling，"itwasastuffedThug。"

Inattemptingtoexpresshisgratification，theChiefofPolicethrustouthisrighthandwithsuchviolencethathisskinwasrupturedatthearm—pitandastreamofsawdustpouredfromthewound。HewasastuffedChiefofPolice。

TheConscientiousOfficialWHILEaDivisionSuperintendentofarailwaywasattendingcloselytohisbusinessofplacingobstructionsonthetrackandtamperingwiththeswitcheshereceivedwordthatthePresidentoftheroadwasabouttodischargehimforincompetency。

"GoodHeavens!"hecried；"therearemoreaccidentsonmydivisionthanonalltherestoftheline。"

"ThePresidentisveryparticular，"saidtheManwhobroughthimthenews；"hethinksthesamelossoflifemightbeeffectedwithlessdamagetothecompany’sproperty。"

"Doesheexpectmetoshootpassengersthroughthecarwindows？"

exclaimedtheindignantofficial，spikingaloosetieacrosstherails。"Doeshetakemeforanassassin？"

HowLeisureCameAMANtoWhomTimeWasMoney，andwhowasboltinghisbreakfastinordertocatchatrain，hadleanedhisnewspaperagainstthesugar—

bowlandwasreadingasheate。Inhishasteandabstractionhestuckapickle—forkintohisrighteye，andonremovingtheforktheeyecamewithit。Inbuyingspectaclestheneedlessoutlayfortherightlenssoonreducedhimtopoverty，andtheMantoWhomTimeWasMoneyhadtosustainlifebyfishingfromtheendofawharf。

TheMoralSentimentAPUGILISTmettheMoralSentimentoftheCommunity，whowascarryingahat—box。"Whathaveyouinthehat—box，myfriend？"

inquiredthePugilist。

"Anewfrown，"wastheanswer。"Iambringingitfromthefrownery—theoneovertherewiththegildedsteeple。"

"Andwhatareyougoingtodowiththenicenewfrown？"thePugilistasked。

"Putdownpugilism—ifIhavetowearitnightandday，"saidtheMoralSentimentoftheCommunity，sternly。

"That’sright，"saidthePugilist，"thatisright，mygoodfriend；

ifpugilismhadbeenputdownyesterday，Iwouldn’thavethiskindofNoseto—day。Ihadarattlinghotfightlasteveningwith—"

"Isthatso？"criedtheMoralSentimentoftheCommunity，withsuddenanimation。"Whichlicked？Sitdownhereonthehat—boxandtellmeallaboutit!"

ThePoliticiansANOldPoliticianandaYoungPoliticianweretravellingthroughabeautifulcountry，bythedustyhighwaywhichleadstotheCityofProsperousObscurity。Luredbytheflowersandtheshadeandcharmedbythesongsofbirdswhichinvitedtowoodlandpathsandgreenfields，hisimaginationfiredbyglimpsesofgoldendomesandglitteringpalacesinthedistanceoneitherhand，theYoungPoliticiansaid：

"Letus，Ibeseechthee，turnasidefromthiscomfortlessroadleading，thouknowestwhither，butnotI。Letusturnourbacksupondutyandabandonourselvestothedelightsandadvantageswhichbeckonfromeverygroveandcalltousfromeveryshininghill。Letus，ifsothouwilt，followthisbeautifulpath，which，asthouseest，hathaguide—boardsaying，’TurninhereallyewhoseekthePalaceofPoliticalDistinction。’"

"Itisabeautifulpath，myson，"saidtheOldPolitician，withouteitherslackeninghispaceorturninghishead，"anditleadethamongpleasantscenes。ButthesearchforthePalaceofPoliticalDistinctionisbesetwithonemightyperil。"

"Whatisthat？"saidtheYoungPolitician。

"Theperiloffindingit，"theOldPoliticianreplied，pushingon。

TheThoughtfulWardenTHEWardenofaPenitentiarywasonedayputtinglocksonthedoorsofallthecellswhenamechanicsaidtohim：

"Thoselockscanallbeopenedfromtheinside—youareveryimprudent。"

TheWardendidnotlookupfromhiswork，butsaid：

"Ifthatiscalledimprudence，Iwonderwhatwouldbecalledathoughtfulprovisionagainstthevicissitudesoffortune。"

TheTreasuryandtheArmsAPUBLICTreasury，feelingTwoArmsliftingoutitscontents，exclaimed：

"Mr。Shareman，Imoveforadivision。"

"Youseemtoknowsomethingaboutparliamentaryformsofspeech，"

saidtheTwoArms。

"Yes，"repliedthePublicTreasury，"Iamfamiliarwiththehaulsoflegislation。"

TheChristianSerpentARATTLESNAKEcamehometohisbroodandsaid："Mychildren，gatheraboutandreceiveyourfather’slastblessing，andseehowaChristiandies。"

"Whatailsyou，Father？"askedtheSmallSnakes。

"Ihavebeenbittenbytheeditorofapartisanjournal，"wasthereply，accompaniedbytheominousdeath—rattle。

TheBroomoftheTempleTHEcityofGakwakbeingabouttoloseitscharacterofcapitaloftheprovinceofUkwuk，theWampogissuedaproclamationconveningallthemaleresidentsincouncilintheTempleofUltodevisemeansofdefence。Thefirstspeakerthoughtthebestpolicywouldbetoofferafriedjackasstothegods。Thesecondsuggestedapublicprocession，headedbytheWampoghimself，bearingtheHolyPokeronacushionofcloth—of—brass。Anotherthoughtthatascarletmoleshouldbeburiedaliveinthepublicparkandasuitableincantationchantedovertheremains。Theadviceofthefourthwasthatthecolumnsofthecapitolberubbedwithoilofdogbyapersonhavingamoustacheonthecalfofhisleg。WhenalltheothershadspokenanAgedManroseandsaid：

"HighandmightyWampogandfellow—citizens，Ihavelistenedattentivelytoalltheplansproposed。Allseemwise，andIdonotsuffermyselftodoubtthatanyoneofthemwouldbeefficacious。

Nevertheless，Icannothelpthinkingthatifwewouldputanimprovedbreedofpolliwogsinourdrinkingwater，constructshallowerroadways，groomthestreetcows，offerthestrangerwithinourgatesafreechoicebetweentheponiardandthepotion，andrelinquishourprivatesystemofmorals，theothermeasuresofpublicsafetywouldbeneedless。"

TheAgedManwasabouttospeakfurther，butthemeetinginformallyadjournedinordertosweepthefloorofthetemple—forthemenofGakwakarethetidiesthousewivesinallthatprovince。Thelastspeakerwasthebroom。

TheCriticsWHILEbathing，AntinouswasseenbyMinerva，whowassoenamouredofhisbeautythat，allarmedasshehappenedtobe，shedescendedfromOlympustowoohim；but，unluckilydisplayinghershield，withtheheadofMedusaonit，shehadtheunhappinesstoseethebeautifulmortalturntostonefromcatchingaglimpseofit。ShestraightwayascendedtoaskJovetorestorehim；butbeforethiscouldbedoneaSculptorandaCriticpassedthatwayandespiedhim。

"ThisisaverybadApollo，"saidtheSculptor："thechestistoonarrow，andonearmisatleastahalf—inchshorterthantheother。

Theattitudeisunnatural，andImaysayimpossible。Ah!myfriend，youshouldseemystatueofAntinous。"

"Inmyjudgment，thefigure，"saidtheCritic，"istolerablygood，thoughratherEtrurian，buttheexpressionofthefaceisdecidedlyTuscan，andthereforefalsetonature。Bytheway，haveyoureadmyworkon’TheFallaciousnessoftheAspectualinArt’？"

TheFoolishWomanAMARRIEDWoman，whoseloverwasabouttoreformbyrunningaway，procuredapistolandshothimdead。

"Whydidyoudothat，Madam？"inquiredaPoliceman，saunteringby。

"Because，"repliedtheMarriedWoman，"hewasawickedman，andhadpurchasedatickettoChicago。"

"Mysister，"saidanadjacentManofGod，solemnly，"youcannotstopthewickedfromgoingtoChicagobykillingthem。"

FatherandSon"MYboy，"saidanagedFathertohisfieryanddisobedientSon，"ahottemperisthesoilofremorse。Promisemethatwhennextyouareangryyouwillcountonehundredbeforeyoumoveorspeak。"

NosoonerhadtheSonpromisedthanhereceivedastingingblowfromthepaternalwalking—stick，andbythetimehehadcountedtoseventy—fivehadtheunhappinesstoseetheoldmanjumpintoawaitingcabandwhirlaway。

TheDiscontentedMalefactorAJUDGEhavingsentencedaMalefactortothepenitentiarywasproceedingtopointouttohimthedisadvantagesofcrimeandtheprofitofreformation。

"YourHonour，"saidtheMalefactor，interrupting，"wouldyoubekindenoughtoaltermypunishmenttotenyearsinthepenitentiaryandnothingelse？"

"Why，"saidtheJudge，surprised，"Ihavegivenyouonlythreeyears!"

"Yes，Iknow，"assentedtheMalefactor—"threeyears’imprisonmentandthepreaching。Ifyouplease，Ishouldliketocommutethepreaching。"

ACalltoQuitSEEINGthathisaudienceswerebecomingsmallereverySunday，aMinisteroftheGospelbrokeoffinthemidstofasermon，descendedthepulpitstairs，andwalkedonhishandsdownthecentralaisleofthechurch。Hethenremountedhisfeet，ascendedtothepulpit，andresumedhisdiscourse，makingnoallusiontotheincident。

"Now，"saidhetohimself，ashewenthome，"Ishallhave，henceforth，alargeattendanceandnosnoring。"

ButonthefollowingFridayhewaswaiteduponbythePillarsoftheChurch，whoinformedhimthatinordertobeinharmonywiththeNewTheologyandgetfulladvantageofmodernmethodsofGospelinterpretationtheyhaddeemeditadvisabletomakeachange。TheyhadthereforesentacalltoBrotherJowjeetum—Fallal，theWorld—

RenownedHindooHumanPin—Wheel，thenholdingforthinHoopitup’scircus。TheywerehappytosaythatthereverendgentlemanhadbeenmovedbytheSpirittoacceptthecall，andontheensuingSabbathwouldbreakthebreadoflifeforthebrethrenorbreakhisneckintheattempt。

TheManandtheLightningAMANRunningforOfficewasovertakenbyLightning。

"Yousee，"saidtheLightning，asitcreptpasthiminchbyinch，"Icantravelconsiderablyfasterthanyou。"

"Yes，"theManRunningforOfficereplied，"butthinkhowmuchlongerIkeepgoing!"

TheLassoedBearAHUNTERwhohadlassoedaBearwastryingtodisengagehimselffromtherope，buttheslip—knotabouthiswristwouldnotyield，fortheBearwasallthetimepullingintheslackwithhispaws。

InthemidstofhistroubletheHuntersawaShowmanpassingby，andmanagedtoattracthisattention。

"Whatwillyougiveme，"hesaid，"formyBear？"

"Itwillbesomefiveortenminutes，"saidtheShowman，"beforeI

shallwantafreshBear，anditlookstomeasifpriceswouldfallduringthattime。IthinkI’llwaitandwatchthemarket。"

"Thepriceofthisanimal，"theHunterreplied，"isdowntobed—

rock；youcanhavehimfornothingapound，spotcash，andI’llthrowinthenextonethatIlasso。Butthepurchasermustremovethegoodsfromthepremisesforthwith，tomakeroomforthreeman—

eatingtigers，acat—headedgorilla，andanarmfulofrattlesnakes。"

ButtheShowmanpassedon，inmaidenmeditation，fancyfree，andbeingjoinedsoonafterwardbytheBear，whowasabsentlypickinghisteeth，itwasinferredthattheywerenotunacquainted。

TheIneffectiveRooterADRUNKENManwaslyingintheroadwithableedingnose，uponwhichhehadfallen，whenaPigpassedthatway。

"Youwallowfairlywell，"saidthePig，"but，myfinefellow，youhavemuchtolearnaboutrooting。"

AProtagonistofSilverSOMEFinancierswhowerewhettingtheirtonguesontheirteethbecausetheGovernmenthad"struckdown"silver，andwereaboutto"inaugurate"aseasonofsweatshed，wereaddressedasfollowsbyaMemberoftheirhonourableandwarlikebody：

"Comradesofthethunderandcompanionsofdeath，Icannotbutregarditassingularlyfortunatethatwewhobyconvictionandsympathyaredesignatedbynatureasthechampionsofthatfairestofherproducts，thewhitemetal，shouldalso，byahappychance，beengagedmostlyinthebusinessofminingit。Nothingcouldbemoreappropriatethanthatthosewhofromunselfishmotivesandelevatedsentimentsaredoingbattleforthepeople’srightsandinterests，shouldthemselvesbethechiefbeneficiariesofsuccess。

Therefore，Ochildrenoftheearthquakeandthestorm，letusstandshouldertoshoulder，hearttoheart，andpockettopocket!"

ThisspeechsopleasedtheotherMembersoftheconventionthat，actuatedbyamagnanimousimpulse，theysprangtotheirfeetandleftthehall。Itwasthefirsttimetheyhadeverbeenknowntoleaveanythinghavingvalue。

TheHolyDeaconANItinerantPreacherwhohadwroughthardinthemoralvineyardforseveralhourswhisperedtoaHolyDeaconofthelocalchurch：

"Brother，thesepeopleknowyou，andyouractivesupportwillbearfruitabundantly。Pleasepasstheplateforme，andyoushallhaveonefourth。"

TheHolyDeacondidso，andputtingthemoneyintohispocketwaitedtillthecongregationwasdismissedandsaidgoodnight。

"Butthemoney，brother，themoneythatyoucollected!"saidtheItinerantPreacher。

"Nothingiscomingtoyou，"wasthereply；"theAdversaryhashardenedtheirhearts，andonefourthisalltheygave。"

AHastySettlement"YOURHonour，"saidanAttorney，rising，"whatisthepresentstatusofthiscase—asfarasithasgone？"

"Ihavegivenajudgmentfortheresiduarylegateeunderthewill，"

saidtheCourt，"putthecostsuponthecontestants，decidedallquestionsrelatingtofeesandothercharges；and，inshort，theestateinlitigationhasbeensettled，withallcontroversies，disputes，misunderstandings，anddifferencesofopinionthereuntoappertaining。"

"Ah，yes，Isee，"saidtheAttorney，thoughtfully，"wearemakingprogress—wearegettingonfamously。"

"Progress？"echoedtheJudge—"progress？Why，sir，thematterisconcluded!"

"Exactly，exactly；ithadtobeconcludedinordertogiverelevancytothemotionthatIamabouttomake。YourHonour，I

movethatthejudgmentoftheCourtbesetasideandthecasereopened。"

"Uponwhatground，sir？"theJudgeaskedinsurprise。

"Upontheground，"saidtheAttorney，"thatafterpayingallfeesandexpensesoflitigationandallchargesagainsttheestatetherewillstillbesomethingleft。"

"Theremayhavebeenanerror，"saidHisHonour，thoughtfully—

"theCourtmayhaveunderestimatedthevalueoftheestate。Themotionistakenunderadvisement。"

TheWoodenGunsANArtilleryRegimentofaStateMilitiaappliedtotheGovernorforwoodengunstopractisewith。

"Those，"theyexplained，"willbecheaperthanrealones。"

"ItshallnotbesaidthatIsacrificedefficiencytoeconomy，"

saidtheGovernor。"Youshallhaverealguns。"

"Thankyou，thankyou，"criedthewarriors，effusively。"Wewilltakegoodcareofthem，andintheeventofwarreturnthemtothearsenal。"

TheReformSchoolBoardTHEmembersoftheSchoolBoardinDoosnoswairbeingsuspectedofappointingfemaleteachersforanimproperconsideration，thepeopleelectedaBoardcomposedwhollyofwomen。Inafewyearsthescandalwasatanend；therewerenofemaleteachersintheDepartment。

ThePoet’sDoomANObjectwaswalkingalongtheKing’shighwaywrappedinmeditationandwithlittleelseon，whenhesuddenlyfoundhimselfatthegatesofastrangecity。Onapplyingforadmittance，hewasarrestedasanecessitatorofordinances，andtakenbeforetheKing。

"Whoareyou，"saidtheKing，"andwhatisyourbusinessinlife？"

"SnoutertheSneak，"repliedtheObject，withreadyinvention；

"pick—pocket。"

TheKingwasabouttocommandhimtobereleasedwhenthePrimeMinistersuggestedthattheprisoner’sfingersbeexamined。Theywerefoundgreatlyflattenedandcallousedattheends。

"Ha!"criedtheKing；"Itoldyouso!—heisaddictedtocountingsyllables。Thisisapoet。TurnhimovertotheLordHighDissuaderfromtheHeadHabit。"

"Myliege，"saidtheInventor—in—OrdinaryofIngeniousPenalties，"Iventuretosuggestakeeneraffliction。

"Nameit，"theKingsaid。

"Lethimretainthathead!"

Itwassoordered。

TheNoserandtheNoteTHEHeadRiflerofaninsolventbank，learningthatitwasabouttobevisitedbytheofficialNoserintoThings，placedhisownpersonalnoteforalargeamountamongitsresources，and，gailytouchinghisguitar，awaitedtheinspection。WhentheNosercametothenoteheasked，"What’sthis？"

"That，"saidtheAssistantPocketerofDeposits，"isoneofourliabilities。"

"Aliability？"exclaimedtheNoser。"Nay，nay，anasset。Thatiswhatyoumean，doubtless。"

"Thereinyouerr，"thePocketerexplained；"thatnotewaswritteninthebankwithourownpen，ink，andpaper，andwehavenotpaidastationerybillforsixmonths。"

"Ah，Isee，"theNosersaid，thoughtfully；"itisaliability。MayIaskhowyouexpecttomeetit？"

"Withfortitude，pleaseGod，"answeredtheAssistantPocketer，hiseyestoHeavenraising—"withfortitudeandafirmrelianceonthelaxityofthelaw。"

"Enough，enough，"exclaimedthefaithfulservantoftheState，chokingwithemotion；"hereisacertificateofsolvency。"

"Andhereisabottleofink，"thegratefulfinanciersaid，slippingitintotheother’spocket；"itisallthatwehave。"

TheCatandtheKingACATwaslookingataKing，aspermittedbytheproverb。

"Well，"saidthemonarch，observingherinspectionoftheroyalperson，"howdoyoulikeme？"

"IcanimagineaKing，"saidtheCat，"whomIshouldlikebetter。"

"Forexample？"

"TheKingoftheMice。"

ThesovereignwassopleasedwiththewitofthereplythathegaveherpermissiontoscratchhisPrimeMinister’seyesout。

TheLiteraryAstronomerTHEDirectorofanObservatory，who，withathirty—six—inchrefractor，haddiscoveredthemoon，hastenedtoanEditor，withafour—columnaccountoftheevent。

"Howmuch？"saidtheEditor，sententiously，withoutlookingupfromhisessayonthecircularityofthepoliticalhorizon。

"Onehundredandsixtydollars，"repliedthemanwhohaddiscoveredthemoon。

"Nothalfenough，"wastheEditor’scomment。

"Generousman!"criedtheAstronomer，glowingwithwarmandelevatedsentiments，"payme，then，whatyouwill。"

"Greatandgoodfriend，"saidtheEditor，blandly，lookingupfromhiswork，"wearefarasunder，itseems。Thepayingistobedonebyyou。"

TheDirectoroftheObservatorygatheredupthemanuscriptandwentaway，explainingthatitneededcorrection；hehadneglectedtodotanm。

TheLionandtheRattlesnakeAMANhavingfoundaLioninhispathundertooktosubduehimbythepowerofthehumaneye；andnearbywasaRattlesnakeengagedinfascinatingasmallbird。

"Howareyougettingon，brother？"theMancalledouttotheotherreptile，withoutremovinghiseyesfromthoseoftheLion。

"Admirably，"repliedtheserpent。"Mysuccessisassured；myvictimdrawsnearerandnearerinspiteofherefforts。"

"Andmine，"saidtheMan，"drawsnearerandnearerinspiteofmine。Areyousureitisallright？"

"Ifyoudon’tthinkso，"thereptilerepliedaswellashethencould，withhismouthfullofbird，"youbettergiveitup。"

Ahalf—hourlater，theLion，thoughtfullypickinghisteethwithhisclaws，toldtheRattlesnakethathehadneverinallhisvariedexperienceinbeingsubdued，seenasubduertrysoearnestlytogiveitup。"But，"headded，withawide，significantsmile，"I

lookedhimintocountenance。"

TheManwithNoEnemiesANInoffensivePersonwalkinginapublicplacewasassaultedbyaStrangerwithaClub，andseverelybeaten。

WhentheStrangerwithaClubwasbroughttotrial，thecomplainantsaidtotheJudge：

"IdonotknowwhyIwasassaulted；Ihavenotanenemyintheworld。"

"That，"saidthedefendant，"iswhyIstruckhim。"

"Lettheprisonerbedischarged，"saidtheJudge；"amanwhohasnoenemieshasnofriends。Thecourtsarenotforsuch。"

TheAldermanandtheRaccoon"ISEEquiteanumberofringsonyourtail，"saidanAldermantoaRaccoonthathemetinazoologicalgarden。

"Yes，"repliedtheRaccoon，"andIhearquiteanumberoftalesonyourring。"

TheAlderman，beingofasensitive，retiringdisposition，shrankfromfurthercomparison，and，strollingtoanotherpartofthegarden，stolethecamel。

TheFlying—MachineANIngeniousManwhohadbuiltaflying—machineinvitedagreatconcourseofpeopletoseeitgoup。Attheappointedmoment，everythingbeingready，heboardedthecarandturnedonthepower。

Themachineimmediatelybrokethroughthemassivesubstructureuponwhichitwasbuilded，andsankoutofsightintotheearth，theaeronautspringingoutbarelyintimetosavehimself。

"Well，"saidhe，"Ihavedoneenoughtodemonstratethecorrectnessofmydetails。Thedefects，"headded，withalookattheruinedbrick—work，"aremerelybasicandfundamental。"

Uponthisassurancethepeoplecameforwardwithsubscriptionstobuildasecondmachine。

TheAngel’sTearANUnworthyManwhohadlaughedatthewoesofaWomanwhomheloved，wasbewailinghisindiscretioninsack—cloth—of—goldandashes—of—roses，whentheAngelofCompassionlookeddownuponhim，saying：

"Poormortal!—howunblestnottoknowthewickednessoflaughingatanother’smisfortune!"

Sosaying，heletfallagreattear，which，encounteringinitsdescentacurrentofcoldair，wascongealedintoahail—stone。

ThisstrucktheUnworthyManontheheadandsethimrubbingthatbruisedorganvigorouslywithonehandwhilevainlyattemptingtoexpandanumbrellawiththeother。

ThereattheAngelofCompassiondidmostshamelesslyandwickedlylaugh。

TheCityofPoliticalDistinctionJAMRACHtheRich，beinganxioustoreachtheCityofPoliticalDistinctionbeforenightfall，arrivedataforkoftheroadandwasundecidedwhichbranchtofollow；soheconsultedaWise—LookingPersonwhosatbythewayside。

"TakeTHATroad，"saidtheWise—LookingPerson，pointingitout；

"itisknownasthePoliticalHighway。"

"Thankyou，"saidJamrach，andwasabouttoproceed。

"Abouthowmuchdoyouthankme？"wasthereply。"DoyousupposeI

amhereformyhealth？"

AsJamrachhadnotbecomerichbystupidity，hehandedsomethingtohisguideandhastenedon，andsooncametoatoll—gatekeptbyaBenevolentGentleman，towhomhegavesomething，andwassufferedtopass。Alittlefartheralonghecametoabridgeacrossanimaginarystream，whereaCivilEngineer（whohadbuiltthebridge）

demandedsomethingforinterestonhisinvestment，anditwasforthcoming。ItwasgrowinglatewhenJamrachcametothemarginofwhatappearedtobealakeofblackink，andtheretheroadterminated。SeeingaFerrymaninhisboathepaidsomethingforhispassageandwasabouttoembark。

"No，"saidtheFerryman。"Putyourneckinthisnoose，andIwilltowyouover。Itistheonlyway，"headded，seeingthatthepassengerwasabouttocomplainoftheaccommodations。

Induetimehewasdraggedacross，halfstrangled，anddreadfullybeslubberedbythefeculentwaters。"There，"saidtheFerryman，haulinghimashoreanddisengaginghim，"youarenowintheCityofPoliticalDistinction。Ithasfiftymillionsofinhabitants，andasthecolouroftheFilthyPooldoesnotwashoff，theyalllookexactlyalike。"

"Alas!"exclaimedJamrach，weepingandbewailingthelossofallhispossessions，paidoutintipsandtolls；"Iwillgobackwithyou。"

"Idon’tthinkyouwill，"，saidtheFerryman，pushingoff；"thiscityissituatedontheIslandoftheUnreturning。"

ThePartyOverThereAMANinaHurry，whosewatchwasathislawyer’s，askedaGravePersonthetimeofday。

"IheardyouaskthatPartyOverTherethesamequestion，"saidtheGravePerson。"Whatanswerdidhegiveyou？"

"Hesaiditwasaboutthreeo’clock，"repliedtheManinaHurry；

"buthedidnotlookathiswatch，andasthesunisnearlydown，I

thinkitislater。"

"Thefactthatthesunisnearlydown，"theGravePersonsaid，"isimmaterial，butthefactthathedidnotconsulthistimepieceandmakeanswerafterduedeliberationandconsiderationisfatal。Theanswergiven，"continuedtheGravePerson，consultinghisowntimepiece，"isofnoeffect，invalid，andabsurd。"

"What，then，"saidtheManinaHurry，eagerly，"isthetimeofday？"

"ThequestionisremandedtothePartyOverThereforanewanswer，"repliedtheGravePerson，returninghiswatchtohispocketandmovingawaywithgreatdignity。

HewasaJudgeofanAppellateCourt。

ThePoetessofReformONEpleasantdayinthelatterpartofeternity，astheShadesofallthegreatwriterswerereposinguponbedsofasphodelandmolyintheElysianfields，eachhappyinhearingfromthelipsoftheothersnothingbutcopiousquotationfromhisownworks（forsoJovehadkindlybedeviledtheirears），therecameinamongthemwithtriumphantmienaShadewhomnoneknew。She（forthenewcomershowedsuchevidencesofsexascroppedhairandamanlystride）

tookaseatintheirmidst，andsmilingasuperiorsmileexplained：

"AftercenturiesofoppressionIhavewrestedmyrightsfromthegraspofthejealousgods。OnearthIwasthePoetessofReform，andsangtoinattentiveears。Nowforaneternityofhonourandglory。"

Butitwasnottobeso，andsoonshewastheunhappiestofmortals，vainlydesiroustowanderagainingloombytheinfernallakes。ForJovehadnotbedeviledherears，andsheheardfromthelipsofeachblessedShadeanincessantflowofquotationfromhisownworks。Moreover，shewasdeniedthehappinessofrepeatingherpoems。Shecouldnotrecallalineofthem，forJovehaddecreedthatthememoryofthemabideinPluto’spainfuldomain，asapartoftheapparatus。

TheUnchangedDiplomatistTHErepublicofMadagoniahadbeenlongandwellrepresentedatthecourtoftheKingofPatagascarbyanofficercalledaDazie，butonedaytheMadagonianParliamentconferreduponhimthesuperiorrankofDandee。ThenextdayafterbeingapprisedofhisnewdignityhehastenedtoinformtheKingofPatagascar。

"Ah，yes，Iunderstand，"saidtheKing；"youhavebeenpromotedandgivenincreasedpayandallowances。Therewasanappropriation？"

"Yes，yourMajesty。"

"Andyouhavenowtwoheads，haveyounot？"

"Oh，no，yourMajesty—onlyone，Iassureyou。"

"Indeed？Andhowmanylegsandarms？"

"Twoofeach，Sire—onlytwoofeach。"

"Andonlyonebody？"

"Justasinglebody，asyouperceive。"

Thoughtfullyremovinghiscrownandscratchingtheroyalhead，themonarchwassilentamoment，andthenhesaid：

"Ifancythatappropriationhasbeenmisapplied。Youseemtobeaboutthesamekindofidiotthatyouwerebefore。"

AnInvitationAPIOUSPersonwhohadoverchargedhispaunchwithdeadbirdbywayofattestinghisgratitudeforescapingthemanycalamitieswhichHeavenhadsentuponothers，fellasleepattableanddreamed。Hethoughthelivedinacountrywhereturkeysweretherulingclass，andeveryyeartheyheldafeasttomanifesttheirsenseofHeaven’sgoodnessinsparingtheirlivestokillthemlater。Oneday，aboutaweekbeforeoneofthesefeasts，hemettheSupremeGobbler，whosaid：

"YouwillpleasegetyourselfintogoodconditionfortheThanksgivingdinner。"

"Yes，yourExcellency，"repliedthePiousPerson，delighted，"I

shallcomehungry，Iassureyou。ItisnosmallprivilegetodinewithyourExcellency。"

TheSupremeGobblereyedhimforamomentinsilence；thenhesaid：

"Asoneofthelowerdomesticanimals，youcannotbeexpectedtoknowmuch，butyoumightknowsomething。Sinceyoudonot，youwillpermitmetopointoutthatbeingaskedtodinnerisonething；beingaskedtodineisanotherandadifferentthing。"

WiththissignificantremarktheSupremeGobblerlefthim，andthenceforwardthePiousPersondreamedofhimselfaswhitemeatanddarkuntilrudelyawakenedbydecapitation。

TheAshesofMadameBlavatskyTHEtwobrightestlightsofTheosophybeinginthesameplaceatonceincompanywiththeAshesofMadameBlavatsky，anInquiringSoulthoughtthetimepropitioustolearnsomethingworthwhile。

Sohesatatthefeetofoneawhile，andthenhesatawhileatthefeetoftheother，andatlastheappliedhiseartothekeyholeofthecasketcontainingtheAshesofMadameBlavatsky。WhentheInquiringSoulhadcompletedhiscourseofinstructionhedeclaredhimselftheAhkoondofSwat，fellintothebalefulhabitofstandingonhishead，andsworethatthemotherwhoborehimwasapragmaticparalogism。Whereforehewasheldinhighreverence，andwhenthetwoothergentlemenwerehangedforlyingtheTheosophistselectedhimtotheleadershipoftheirDisastralBody，andafteraquietlifeandanhonourabledeathbythekickofajackasshewasreincarnatedasaYellowDog。AssuchheatetheAshesofMadameBlavatsky，andTheosophywasnomore。

TheOpossumoftheFutureONEdayanOpossumwhohadgonetosleephangingfromthehighestbranchofatreebythetail，awokeandsawalargeSnakewoundaboutthelimb，betweenhimandthetrunkofthetree。

"IfIholdon，"hesaidtohimself，"Ishallbeswallowed；ifIletgoIshallbreakmyneck。"

Butsuddenlyhebethoughthimselftodissemble。

"Myperfectedfriend，"hesaid，"myparentalinstinctrecognisesinyouanobleevidenceandillustrationofthetheoryofdevelopment。

YouaretheOpossumoftheFuture，theultimateFittestSurvivorofourspecies，theriperesultofprogressiveprehensility—alltail!"

ButtheSnake，proudofhisancienteminenceinScripturalhistory，wasstrictlyorthodox，anddidnotacceptthescientificview。

TheLife—SaversSEVENTY—FIVEMenpresentedthemselvesbeforethePresidentoftheHumaneSocietyanddemandedthegreatgoldmedalforlife—saving。

"Why，yes，"saidthePresident；"bydiligenteffortsomanymenmusthavesavedaconsiderablenumberoflives。Howmanydidyousave？"

"Seventy—five，sir，"repliedtheirSpokesman。

"Ah，yes，thatisoneeach—verygoodwork—verygoodwork，indeed，"thePresidentsaid。"YoushallnotonlyhavetheSociety’sgreatgoldmedal，butitsrecommendationforemploymentatthevariouslife—boatstationsalongthecoast。Buthowdidyousavesomanylives？"

TheSpokesmanoftheMenreplied：

"Weareofficersofthelaw，andhavejustreturnedfromthepursuitoftwomurderousoutlaws。"

TheAustralianGrasshopperADISTINGUISHEDNaturalistwastravellinginAustralia，whenhesawaKangarooinsessionandflungastoneatit。TheKangarooimmediatelyadjourned，tracingagainstthesunsetskyaparaboliccurvespanningsevenprovinces，andevanishedbelowthehorizon。

TheDistinguishedNaturalistlookedinterested，butsaidnothingforanhour；thenhesaidtohisnativeGuide：

"Youhaveprettywidemeadowshere，Isuppose？"

"No，notverywide，"theGuideanswered；"aboutthesameasinEnglandandAmerica。"

AfteranotherlongsilencetheDistinguishedNaturalistsaid：

"Thehaywhichweshallpurchaseforourhorsesthisevening—I

shallexpecttofindthestalksaboutfiftyfeetlong。AmI

right？"

"Why，no，"saidtheGuide；"afootortwoisabouttheusuallengthofourhay。Whatcanyoubethinkingof？"

TheDistinguishedNaturalistmadenoimmediatereply，butlater，asintheshadesofnighttheyjourneyedthroughthedesolatevastnessoftheGreatLoneLand，hebrokethesilence：

"Iwasthinking，"hesaid，"oftheuncommonmagnitudeofthatgrass—hopper。"

ThePaviorANAuthorsawaLabourerhammeringstonesintothepavementofastreet，andapproachinghimsaid：

"Myfriend，youseemweary。Ambitionisahardtaskmaster。"

"I’mworkingforMr。Jones，sir，"theLabourerreplied。

"Well，cheerup，"theAuthorresumed；"famecomesatthemostunexpectedtimes。To—dayyouarepoor，obscure，anddisheartened，andto—morrowtheworldmayberingingwithyourname。"

"Whatareyougivingme？"theLabourersaid。"Cannotanhonestpaviorperformhisworkinpeace，andgethismoneyforit，andhislivingbyit，withoutotherstalkingrotaboutambitionandhopesoffame？"

"Cannotanhonestwriter？"saidtheAuthor。

TheTriedAssassinANAssassinbeingputupontrialinaNewEnglandcourt，hisCounselroseandsaid："YourHonour，Imoveforadischargeonthegroundof’onceinjeopardy’：myclienthasbeenalreadytriedforthatmurderandacquitted。"

"Inwhatcourt？"askedtheJudge。

"IntheSuperiorCourtofSanFrancisco，"theCounselreplied。

"Letthetrialproceed—yourmotionisdenied，"saidtheJudge。

"AnAssassinisnotinjeopardywhentriedinCalifornia。"

TheBumboofJiamTHEPahdourofPatagascarandtheGookulofMadagoniaweredisputingaboutanislandwhichbothclaimed。Finally，atthesuggestionoftheInternationalLeagueofCannonFounders，whichhadimportantbranchesinbothcountries，theydecidedtorefertheirclaimstotheBumboofJiam，andabidebyhisjudgment。Insettlingthepreliminariesofthearbitrationtheyhad，however，themisfortunetodisagree，andappealedtoarms。Attheendofalonganddisastrouswar，whenbothsideswereexhaustedandbankrupt，theBumboofJiamintervenedintheinterestofpeace。

"Mygreatandgoodfriends，"hesaidtohisbrothersovereigns，"itwillbeadvantageoustoyoutolearnthatsomequestionsaremorecomplexandperilousthanothers，presentingagreaternumberofpointsuponwhichitispossibletodiffer。Forfourgenerationsyourroyalpredecessorsdisputedaboutpossessionofthatisland，withoutfallingout。Beware，oh，bewaretheperilsofinternationalarbitration!—againstwhichIfeelitmydutytoprotectyouhenceforth。"

Sosaying，heannexedbothcountries，andafteralong，peaceful，andhappyreignwaspoisonedbyhisPrimeMinister。

TheTwoPoetsTwoPoetswerequarrellingfortheAppleofDiscordandtheBoneofContention，fortheywereveryhungry。

"Mysons，"saidApollo，"Iwillparttheprizesbetweenyou。You，"

hesaidtotheFirstPoet，"excelinArt—taketheApple。Andyou，"hesaidtotheSecondPoet，"inImagination—taketheBone。"

"ToArtthebestprize!"saidtheFirstPoet，triumphantly，andendeavouringtodevourhisawardbrokeallhisteeth。TheApplewasaworkofArt。

"ThatshowsourMaster’scontemptformereArt，"saidtheSecondPoet，grinning。

ThereuponheattemptedtognawhisBone，buthisteethpassedthroughitwithoutresistance。ItwasanimaginaryBone。

TheThistlesupontheGraveAMINDReadermadeawagerthathewouldbeburiedaliveandremainsoforsixmonths，thenbedugupalive。Inordertosecurethegraveagainstsecretdisturbance，itwassownwiththistles。Attheendofthreemonths，theMindReaderlosthismoney。Hehadcomeuptoeatthethistles。

TheShadowoftheLeaderAPOLITICALLeaderwaswalkingoutonesunnyday，whenheobservedhisShadowleavinghimandwalkingrapidlyaway。

"Comebackhere，youscoundrel，"hecried。

"IfIhadbeenascoundrel，"answeredtheShadow，increasingitsspeed，"Ishouldnothaveleftyou。"

TheSagaciousRatARATthatwasabouttoemergefromhisholecaughtaglimpseofaCatwaitingforhim，anddescendingtothecolonyatthebottomoftheholeinvitedaFriendtojoinhiminavisittoaneighbouringcorn—bin。"Iwouldhavegonealone，"hesaid，"butcouldnotdenymyselfthepleasureofsuchdistinguishedcompany。"

"Verywell，"saidtheFriend，"Iwillgowithyou。Leadon。"

"Lead？"exclaimedtheother。"What!Iprecedesogreatandillustriousaratasyou？No，indeed—afteryou，sir，afteryou。"

Pleasedwiththisgreatshowofdeference，theFriendwentahead，and，leavingtheholefirst，wascaughtbytheCat，whoimmediatelytrottedawaywithhim。Theotherthenwentoutunmolested。

TheMemberandtheSoapAMEMBERoftheKansasLegislaturemeetingaCakeofSoapwaspassingitbywithoutrecognition，buttheCakeofSoapinsistedonstoppingandshakinghands。Thinkingitmightpossiblybeintheenjoymentoftheelectivefranchise，hegaveitacordialandearnestgrasp。Onlettingitgoheobservedthataportionofitadheredtohisfingers，andrunningtoabrookingreatalarmheproceededtowashitoff。Indoingsohenecessarilygotsomeontheotherhand，andwhenhehadfinishedwashing，bothweresowhitethathewenttobedandsentforaphysician。

AlarmandPride"GOOD—MORNING，myfriend，"saidAlarmtoPride；"howareyouthismorning？"

"Verytired，"repliedPride，seatinghimselfonastonebythewaysideandmoppinghissteamingbrow。"ThepoliticiansarewearingmeoutbypointingtotheirdirtyrecordswithME，whentheycouldaswelluseastick。"

Alarmsighedsympathetically，andsaid：

"Itisprettymuchthesamewayhere。Insteadofusinganopera—

glasstheyviewtheactsoftheiropponentswithME!"

Asthesepatientdrudgeswereminglingtheirtears，theywerenotifiedthattheymustgoondutyagain，foroneofthepoliticalpartieshadnominatedathiefandwasabouttoholdagratificationmeeting。

ACausewayARICHWomanhavingreturnedfromabroaddisembarkedatthefootofKnee—deepStreet，andwasabouttowalktoherhotelthroughthemud。

"Madam，"saidaPoliceman，"Icannotpermityoutodothat；youwouldsoilyourshoesandstockings。"

"Oh，thatisofnoimportance，really，"repliedtheRichWoman，withacheerfulsmile。

"But，madam，itisneedless；fromthewharftothehotel，asyouobserve，extendsanunbrokenlineofprostratenewspapermenwhocravethehonourofhavingyouwalkuponthem。"

"Inthatcase，"shesaid，seatingherselfinadoorwayandunlockinghersatchel，"Ishallhavetoputonmyrubberboots。"

TwoinTroubleMEETINGafatandpatrioticStatesmanonhiswaytoWashingtontobeseechthePresidentforanoffice，anidleTrampaccostedhimandbeggedtwenty—fivecentswithwhichtobuyasuitofclothes。

"Melancholywreck，"saidtheStatesman，"whatbroughtyoutothisstateofdegradation？Liquor，Isuppose。"

"Iamtemperatetothevergeofabsurdity，"repliedtheTramp。"Myfoiblewaspatriotism；Iwasruinedbythebanefulhabitoftryingtoservemycountry。Whatruinedyou？"

"Indolence。"

TheWitch’sSteedABROOMSTICKwhichhadlongservedawitchasasteedcomplainedofthenatureofitsemployment，whichitthoughtdegrading。

"Verywell，"saidtheWitch，"Iwillgiveyouworkinwhichyouwillbeassociatedwithintellect—youwillcomeincontactwithbrains。Ishallpresentyoutoahousewife。"

"What!"saidtheBroomstick，"doyouconsiderthehandsofahousewifeintellectual？"

"Ireferred，"saidtheWitch，"totheheadofhergoodman。"

TheAllDogALIONseeingaPoodlefellintolaughterattheridiculousspectacle。

"Whoeversawsosmallabeast？"hesaid。

"Itisverytrue，"saidthePoodle，withausteredignity，"thatI

amsmall；but，sir，IbegtoobservethatIamalldog。"

TheFarmer’sFriendAGREATPhilanthropistwhohadthoughtofhimselfinconnectionwiththePresidencyandhadintroducedabillintoCongressrequiringtheGovernmenttoloaneveryvoterallthemoneythatheneeded，onhispersonalsecurity，wasexplainingtoaSunday—schoolatarailwaystationhowmuchhehaddoneforthecountry，whenanangellookeddownfromHeavenandwept。

"Forexample，"saidtheGreatPhilanthropist，watchingtheteardropspatteringinthedust，"theseearlyrainsareofincalculableadvantagetothefarmer。"

PhysiciansTwoAWICKEDOldManfindinghimselfillsentforaPhysician，whoprescribedforhimandwentaway。ThentheWickedOldMansentforanotherPhysician，sayingnothingofthefirst，andanentirelydifferenttreatmentwasordered。Thiscontinuedforsomeweeks，thephysiciansvisitinghimonalternatedaysandtreatinghimfortwodifferentdisorders，withconstantlyenlargingdosesofmedicineandmoreandmorerigorousnursing。Butonedaytheyaccidentlymetathisbedsidewhileheslept，andthetruthcomingoutaviolentquarrelensued。

"Mygoodfriends，"saidthepatient，awakenedbythenoiseofthedispute，andapprehendingthecauseofit，"praybemorereasonable。IfIcouldforweeksendureyouboth，canyounotforalittlewhileendureeachother？Ihavebeenwellfortendays，buthaveremainedinbedinthehopeofgainingbyreposethestrengththatwouldjustifymeintakingyourmedicines。SofarI

havetouchednoneofit。"

TheOverlookedFactorAMANthatownedafineDog，andbyacarefulselectionofitsmatehadbredanumberofanimalsbutalittlelowerthantheangels，fellinlovewithhiswasherwoman，marriedher，andrearedafamilyofdolts。

"Alas!"heexclaimed，contemplatingthemelancholyresult，"hadI

butchosenamateformyselfwithhalfthecarethatIdidformyDogIshouldnowbeaproudandhappyfather。"

"I’mnotsosureofthat，"saidtheDog，overhearingthelament。

"There’sadifference，certainly，betweenyourwhelpsandmine，butIventuretoflattermyselfthatitisnotduealtogethertothemothers。YouandIarenotentirelyalikeourselves。"

ARacialParallelSOMEWhiteChristiansengagedindrivingChineseHeathensoutofanAmericantownfoundanewspaperpublishedinPekingintheChinesetongue，andcompelledoneoftheirvictimstotranslateaneditorial。ItturnedouttobeanappealtothepeopleoftheProvinceofPangKitodrivetheforeigndevilsoutofthecountryandburntheirdwellingsandchurches。AtthisevidenceofMongolianbarbaritytheWhiteChristiansweresogreatlyincensedthattheycarriedouttheiroriginaldesign。

TheHonestCadiAROBBERwhohadplunderedaMerchantofonethousandpiecesofgoldwastakenbeforetheCadi，whoaskedhimifhehadanythingtosaywhyheshouldnotbedecapitated。

"YourHonour，"saidtheRobber，"Icoulddonootherwisethantakethemoney，forAllahmademethatway。"

"Yourdefenceisingeniousandsound，"saidtheCadi，"andImustacquityouofcriminality。Unfortunately，AllahhasmademesothatImustalsotakeoffyourhead—unless，"headded，thoughtfully，"youoffermehalfofthegold；forHemademeweakundertemptation。"

ThereupontheRobberputfivehundredpiecesofgoldintotheCadi’shand。

"Good，"saidtheCadi。"Ishallnowremovebutonehalfyourhead。

ToshowmytrustinyourdiscretionIshallleaveintactthehalfyoutalkwith。"

TheKangarooandtheZebraAKANGAROOhoppingawkwardlyalongwithsomebulkyobjectconcealedinherpouchmetaZebra，anddesirousofkeepinghisattentionuponhimself，said：

"Yourcostumelooksasifyoumighthavecomeoutofthepenitentiary。"

"Appearancesaredeceitful，"repliedtheZebra，smilingintheconsciousnessofamoreinsupportablewit，"orIshouldhavetothinkthatyouhadcomeoutoftheLegislature。"

AMatterofMethodAPHILOSOPHERseeingaFoolbeatinghisDonkey，said：

"Abstain，myson，abstain，Iimplore。Thosewhoresorttoviolenceshallsufferfromviolence。"

"That，"saidtheFool，diligentlybelabouringtheanimal，"iswhatI’mtryingtoteachthisbeast—whichhaskickedme。"

"Doubtless，"saidthePhilosophertohimself，ashewalkedaway，"thewisdomoffoolsisnodeepernortruerthanours，buttheyreallydoseemtohaveamoreimpressivewayofimpartingit。"

TheManofPrincipleDURINGashowerofraintheKeeperofaZoologicalgardenobservedaManofPrinciplecrouchingbeneaththebellyoftheostrich，whichhaddrawnitselfuptoitsfullheighttosleep。

"Why，mydearsir，"saidtheKeeper，"ifyoufeartogetwet，you’dbettercreepintothepouchofyonderfemalekangaroo—theSALTARIXMACKINTOSHA—forifthatostrichwakeshewillkickyoutodeathinaminute。"

"Ican’thelpthat，"theManofPrinciplereplied，withthatloftyscornofpracticalconsiderationsdistinguishinghisspecies。"Hemaykickmetodeathifhewish，butuntilhedoesheshallgivemeshelterfromthestorm。Hehasswallowedmyumbrella。"

TheReturnedCalifornianAMANwashangedbytheneckuntilhewasdead。

"Whencedoyoucome？"SaintPeteraskedwhentheManpresentedhimselfatthegateofHeaven。

"FromCalifornia，"repliedtheapplicant。

"Enter，myson，enter；youbringjoyoustidings。"

WhentheManhadvanishedinside，SaintPetertookhismemorandum—

tabletandmadethefollowingentry：

"February16，1893。CaliforniaoccupiedbytheChristians。"

TheCompassionatePhysicianAKIND—HEARTEDPhysiciansittingatthebedsideofapatientafflictedwithanincurableandpainfuldisease，heardanoisebehindhim，andturningsawacatlaughingatthefeebleeffortsofawoundedmousetodragitselfoutoftheroom。

"Youcruelbeast!"criedhe。"Whydon’tyoukillitatonce，likealady？"

Rising，hekickedthecatoutofthedoor，andpickingupthemousecompassionatelyputitoutofitsmiserybypullingoffitshead。

Recalledtothebedsidebythemoansofhispatient，theKind—

heartedPhysicianadministeredastimulant，atonic，andanutrient，andwentaway。

TwooftheDamnedTWOBlightedBeings，haggard，lachrymose，anddetested，metonablastedheathinthelightofastrugglingmoon。

"IwishyouamerryChristmas，"saidtheFirstBlightedBeing，inavoicelikethatofasingingtomb。

"AndIyouahappyNewYear，"respondedtheSecondBlightedBeing，withtheaccentofapenitentaccordeon。

Theythenfelluponeachother’sneckandweptscaldingrillsdowneachother’sspineintokenoftheirbanishmenttotheRealmofIneffableBosh。ForoneoftheseaccursedcreatureswastheFirstofJanuary，andtheothertheTwenty—fifthofDecember。

TheAustereGovernorAGOVERNORvisitingaStateprisonwasimploredbyaConvicttopardonhim。

"Whatareyouinfor？"askedtheGovernor。

"Iheldahighoffice，"theConvicthumblyreplied，"andsoldsubordinateappointments。"

"ThenIdeclinetointerfere，"saidtheGovernor，withasperity；"amanwhoabuseshisofficebymakingitserveaprivateendandpurveyapersonaladvantageisunfittobefree。Bytheway，Mr。

Warden，"headdedtothatofficial，astheConvictslunkaway，"inappointingyoutothisposition，IwasgiventounderstandthatyourfriendscouldmaketheShikanecountydelegationtothenextStateconventionsolidfor—forthepresentAdministration。WasI

rightlyinformed？"

"Youwere，sir。"

"Verywell，then，Iwillbidyougood—day。PleasebesogoodastoappointmynephewNightChaplainandReminderofMothersandSisters。"

ReligionsofErrorHEARINGasoundofstrife，aChristianintheOrientaskedhisDragomanthecauseofit。

"TheBuddhistsarecuttingMohammedanthroats，"theDragomanreplied，withorientalcomposure。

"Ididnotknow，"remarkedtheChristian，withscientificinterest，"thatthatwouldmakesomuchnoise。"

"TheMohammedansarecuttingBuddhistthroats，too，"addedtheDragoman。