Flame and Shadow

第1章

bySaraTeasdaleToE。

"Recoislaflammeoul’ombreDetousmesjours。"

ContentsI

BlueSquillsStars"WhatDoICare?"

MeadowlarksDriftwood"IHaveLovedHoursatSea"

AugustMoonriseMemoriesII

PlacesOldTunes"OnlyinSleep"

RedbirdsSunset:St。LouisTheCoinTheVoiceIII

DayandNightCompensationIRemembered"OhYouAreComing"

TheReturnGrayEyesTheNetTheMysteryInaHospitalIV

OpenWindowsTheNewMoonEightO’ClockLostThingsPainTheBrokenFieldTheUnseenAPrayerV

SpringTorrents"IKnowtheStars"

UnderstandingNightfall"ItIsNotaWord"

"MyHeartIsHeavy"

TheNightsRemember"LetItBeForgotten"

TheDarkCupVI

MayDay"SinceThereIsNoEscape"

"TheDreamsofMyHeart"

"ALittleWhile"

TheGardenTheWineInaCubanGarden"IfIMustGo"

VII

InSpring,SantaBarbaraWhiteFogArcturusMoonlightMorningSongGrayFogBellsLovelyChanceVIII

"ThereWillComeSoftRains"

InaGardenNahantWinterStarsABoyWinterDuskBytheSeaIX

TheUnchangingJuneNight"LikeBarleyBending"

"OhDayofFireandSun"

"IThoughtofYou"

OntheDunesSprayIfDeathIsKindX

ThoughtsFacesEvening:NewYorkSnowfallTheSilentBattleTheSanctuaryAtSeaDustTheLongHillXI

SummerStormIntheEnd"ItWillNotChange"

ChangeWaterLilies"DidYouNeverKnow?"

TheTreasureTheStormSongsForMyselfXII

TheTreeAtMidnightSongMakingAloneRedMaplesDebtorTheWindintheHemlockFlameandShadowI

BlueSquillsHowmanymillionAprilscameBeforeIeverknewHowwhiteacherryboughcouldbe,Abedofsquills,howblue!

AndmanyadancingAprilWhenlifeisdonewithme,WilllifttheblueflameoftheflowerAndthewhiteflameofthetree。

Ohburnmewithyourbeauty,then,Ohhurtme,treeandflower,LestintheenddeathtrytotakeEventhisglisteninghour。

Oshakenflowers,Oshimmeringtrees,Osunlitwhiteandblue,Woundme,thatI,throughendlesssleep,Maybearthescarofyou。

StarsAloneinthenightOnadarkhillWithpinesaroundmeSpicyandstill,AndaheavenfullofstarsOvermyhead,WhiteandtopazAndmistyred;

MyriadswithbeatingHeartsoffireThataeonsCannotvexortire;

UpthedomeofheavenLikeagreathill,IwatchthemmarchingStatelyandstill,AndIknowthatI

AmhonoredtobeWitnessOfsomuchmajesty。

"WhatDoICare?"

WhatdoIcare,inthedreamsandthelanguorofspring,Thatmysongsdonotshowmeatall?

Fortheyareafragrance,andIamaflintandafire,Iamananswer,theyareonlyacall。

ButwhatdoIcare,forlovewillbeoversosoon,Letmyhearthaveitssayandmymindstandidlyby,Formymindisproudandstrongenoughtobesilent,Itismyheartthatmakesmysongs,notI。

MeadowlarksInthesilverlightafterastorm,Underdrippingboughsofbrightnewgreen,ItakethelowpathtohearthemeadowlarksAloneandhigh—heartedasifIwereaqueen。

WhathaveItofearinlifeordeathWhohaveknownthreethings:thekissinthenight,Thewhiteflyingjoywhenasongisborn,Andmeadowlarkswhistlinginsilverlight。

DriftwoodMyforefathersgavemeMyspirit’sshakenflame,Theshapeofhands,thebeatofheart,Thelettersofmyname。

Butitwasmylovers,Andnotmysleepingsires,WhogavetheflameitschangefulAndiridescentfires;

AsthedriftwoodburningLearneditsjewelledblazeFromthesea’sbluesplendorOfcolorednightsanddays。

"IHaveLovedHoursatSea"

Ihavelovedhoursatsea,graycities,Thefragilesecretofaflower,Music,themakingofapoemThatgavemeheavenforanhour;

Firststarsaboveasnowyhill,Voicesofpeoplekindlyandwise,Andthegreatlookoflove,longhidden,Foundatlastinmeetingeyes。

Ihavelovedmuchandbeenloveddeeply——

Ohwhenmyspirit’sfireburnslow,Leavemethedarknessandthestillness,Ishallbetiredandgladtogo。

AugustMoonriseThesunwasgone,andthemoonwascomingOvertheblueConnecticuthills;

Thewestwasrosy,theeastwasflushed,AndovermyheadtheswallowsrushedThiswayandthat,withchangefulwills。

IheardthemtwitterandwatchedthemdartNowtogetherandnowapartLikedarkpetalsblownfromatree;

ThemaplesstampedagainstthewestWereblackandstatelyandfullofrest,AndthehazyorangemoongrewupAndslowlychangedtoyellowgoldWhilethehillsweredarkened,foldonfoldToadeeperbluethanaflowercouldhold。

DownthehillIwent,andthenIforgotthewaysofmen,Fornight—scents,heady,anddampandcoolWakenedecstasyinmeOnthebrinkofashiningpool。

OBeauty,outofmanyacupYouhavemademedrunkandwildEversinceIwasachild,ButwhenhaveIbeensureasnowThatnobitternesscanbendAndnosorrowwhollybowOnewholovesyoutotheend?

AndthoughImustgivemybreathAndmylaughteralltodeath,Andmyeyesthroughwhichjoycame,Andmyheart,awaveringflame;

IfallmustleavemeandgobackAlongablindandfearfultrackSothatyoucanmakeanew,Fusingwithintenserfire,Somethingneareryourdesire;

IfmysoulmustgoaloneThroughacoldinfinity,Orevenifitvanish,too,Beauty,Ihaveworshippedyou。

LetthissinglehouratoneForthetheftofallofme。

MemoriesII

PlacesPlacesIlovecomebacktomelikemusic,HushmeandhealmewhenIamverytired;

IseetheoakwoodsatSaxton’sflamingInaflareofcrimsonbythefrostnewlyfired;

AndIamthirstyforthespringinthevalleyAsforakissungivenandlongdesired。

IknowabrightworldofsnowyhillsatBoonton,Ablueandwhitedazzlinglightoneverythingonesees,Theice—coveredbranchesofthehemlockssparkleBendinglowandtinklinginthesharpthinbreeze,Andiridescentcrystalsfallandcrackleonthesnow—crustWiththewintersundrawingcoldblueshadowsfromthetrees。

Violetnow,inveilonveilofeveningThehillsacrossfromCromwellgrowdreamyandfar;

Awood—thrushissingingsoftasaviolIntheheartofthehollowwherethedarkpoolsare;

TheprimrosehasopenedherpaleyellowflowersAndheavenislightingstarafterstar。

PlacesIlovecomebacktomelikemusic——

Mid—ocean,midnight,thewavesbuzzdrowsily;

Intheship’sdeepchurningtheeeriephosphorescenceIslikethesoulsofpeoplewhoweredrownedatsea,AndIcanhearaman’svoice,speaking,hushed,insistent,Atmidnight,inmid—ocean,houronhourtome。

OldTunesAsthewavesofperfume,heliotrope,rose,Floatinthegardenwhennowindblows,Cometous,gofromus,whencenooneknows;

Sotheoldtunesfloatinmymind,Andgofrommeleavingnotracebehind,Likefragranceborneonthehushofthewind。

ButintheinstanttheairsremainIknowthelaughterandthepainOftimesthatwillnotcomeagain。

ItrytocatchatmanyatuneLikepetalsoflightfallenfromthemoon,Brokenandbrightonadarklagoon,Buttheyfloataway——forwhocanholdYouth,orperfumeorthemoon’sgold?

"OnlyinSleep"

OnlyinsleepIseetheirfaces,ChildrenIplayedwithwhenIwasachild,Louisecomesbackwithherbrownhairbraided,Anniewithringletswarmandwild。

OnlyinsleepTimeisforgotten——

Whatmayhavecometothem,whocanknow?

Yetweplayedlastnightaslongago,Andthedoll—housestoodattheturnofthestair。

Theyearshadnotsharpenedtheirsmoothroundfaces,Imettheireyesandfoundthemmild——

Dothey,too,dreamofme,Iwonder,AndforthemamItooachild?

RedbirdsRedbirds,redbirds,Longandlongago,Whatahoney—callyouhadInhillsIusedtoknow;

Redbud,buckberry,Wildplum—treeAndproudriversweepingSouthwardtothesea,BrownandgoldinthesunSparklingfarbelow,TrailingstatelyroundherbluffsWherethepoplarsgrow——

Redbirds,redbirds,AreyousingingstillAsyousangoneMaydayOnSaxton’sHill?

Sunset:St。LouisHushedinthesmokyhazeofsummersunset,WhenIcamehomeagainfromfar—offplaces,HowmanytimesIsawmywesterncityDreambyherriver。

ThenforanhourthewaterworeamantleOftawnygoldandmauveandmistedturquoiseUnderthetallanddarkenedarchesbearingGray,high—flungbridges。

Againstthesunset,water—towersandsteeplesFlickeredwithfireuptheslopetowestward,AndoldwarehousespouredtheirpurpleshadowsAcrossthelevee。

Highoverthemtheblacktrainsweptwiththunder,Cleavingthecity,leavingfarbeneathitWharf—boatsmooredbesidetheoldside—wheelersRestingintwilight。

TheCoinIntomyheart’streasuryIslippedacoinThattimecannottakeNorathiefpurloin,——

OhbetterthanthemintingOfagold—crownedkingIsthesafe—keptmemoryOfalovelything。

TheVoiceAtomsasoldasstars,Mutationonmutation,MillionsandmillionsofcellsDividingyetstillthesame,Fromairandchangingearth,FromancientEasternrivers,Fromturquoisetropicseas,UntomyselfIcame。

MyspiritlikemyfleshSprangfromathousandsources,Fromcave—man,hunterandshepherd,FromKarnak,Cyprus,Rome;

ThelivingthoughtsinmeSpringfromdeadmenandwomen,ForgottentimeoutofmindAndmanyasbubblesoffoam。

Hereforamoment’sspaceIntothelightoutofdarkness,IcomeandtheycomewithmeFindingwordswithmybreath;

Fromthewisdomofmanylife—timesIhearthemcry:"ForeverSeekforBeauty,sheonlyFightswithmanagainstDeath!"

III

DayandNightInWarsawinPolandHalftheworldaway,TheoneIlovebestofallThoughtofmeto—day;

Iknow,forIwentWingedasabird,InthewideflowingwindHisownvoiceIheard;

HisarmswereroundmeInafernyplace,IlookedinthepoolAndtherewashisface——

ButnowitisnightAndthecoldstarssay:

"WarsawinPolandIshalftheworldaway。"

CompensationIshouldbegladoflonelinessAndhoursthatgoonbrokenwings,Athirstybody,atiredheartAndtheunchangingacheofthings,IfIcouldmakeasinglesongAslovelyandasfulloflight,AshushedandbriefasafallingstarOnawinternight。

IRememberedThereneverwasamoodofmine,Gayorheart—broken,luminousordull,ButyoucouldeasemeofitsfeverAndgiveitbacktomemorebeautiful。

InmanyanothersoulIbrokethebread,Anddrankthewineandplayedthehappyguest,ButIwaslonely,Irememberedyou;

Theheartbelongstohimwhoknewitbest。

"OhYouAreComing"

Ohyouarecoming,coming,coming,HowwillhungryTimeputbythehourstillthen?——

ButwhydoesitangermyhearttolongsoForonemanoutoftheworldofmen?

OhIwouldliveinmyselfonlyAndbuildmylifelightlyandstillasadream——

ArenotmythoughtsclearerthanyourthoughtsAndcoloredlikestonesinarunningstream?

Nowtheslowmoonbrightensinheaven,Thestarsareready,thenightishere——

OhwhymustIlosemyselftoloveyou,Mydear?

TheReturnHehascome,heishere,Mylovehascomehome,TheminutesarelighterThanflyingfoam,ThehoursarelikedancersOngold—slipperedfeet,ThedaysareyoungrunnersNakedandfleet——

Formylovehasreturned,Heishome,heishere,InthewholeworldnootherIsdearasmydear!

GrayEyesItwasAprilwhenyoucameThefirsttimetome,AndmyfirstlookinyoureyesWaslikemyfirstlookatthesea。

WehavebeentogetherFourAprilsnowWatchingforthegreenOntheswayingwillowbough;

YetwheneverIturnToyourgrayeyesoverme,ItisasthoughIlookedForthefirsttimeatthesea。

TheNetImadeyoumanyandmanyasong,Yetneveronetoldallyouare——

ItwasasthoughanetofwordsWereflungtocatchastar;

ItwasasthoughIcurvedmyhandAnddippedsea—watereagerly,OnlytofinditlosttheblueDarksplendorofthesea。

TheMysteryYoureyesdrinkofme,Lovemakesthemshine,YoureyesthatleanSoclosetomine。

Wehavelongbeenlovers,WeknowtherangeOfeachother’smoodsAndhowtheychange;

ButwhenwelookAteachothersoThenwefeelHowlittleweknow;

Thespiriteludesus,Timidandfree——

CanIeverknowyouOryouknowme?

InaHospitalIV

OpenWindowsOutofthewindowaseaofgreentreesLifttheirsoftboughslikethearmsofadancer,Theybeckonandcallme,"Comeoutinthesun!"

ButIcannotanswer。

IamalonewithWeaknessandPain,SickabedandJuneisgoing,Icannotkeepher,shehurriesbyWiththesilver—greenofhergarmentsblowing。

MenandwomenpassinthestreetGladoftheshiningsapphireweather,Butweknowmoreofitthanthey,PainandItogether。

Theyaretherunnersinthesun,Breathlessandblindedbytherace,ButwearewatchersintheshadeWhospeakwithWonderfacetoface。

TheNewMoonDay,youhavebruisedandbeatenme,Asrainbeatsdownthebright,proudsea,Beatenmybody,bruisedmysoul,Leftmenothinglovelyorwhole——

YetIhavewrestedagiftfromyou,Daythatdiesinduskyblue:

ForsuddenlyoverthefactoriesIsawamooninthecloudyseas——

AwispofbeautyallaloneInaworldashardandgrayasstone——

OhwhocouldbebitterandwanttodieWhenamaidenmoonwakesupinthesky?

EightO’ClockSuppercomesatfiveo’clock,Atsix,theeveningstar,Mylovercomesateighto’clock——

Buteighto’clockisfar。

HowcouldIbearmypainalldayUnlessIwatchedtoseeTheclock—handslaboringtobringEighto’clocktome。

LostThingsOh,Icouldlettheworldgoby,Itsloudnewwondersanditswars,ButhowwillIgiveuptheskyWhenwinterduskissetwithstars?

AndIcouldletthecitiesgo,Theirchangingcustomsandtheircreeds,——

Butoh,thesummerrainsthatblowInsilveronthejewel—weeds!

PainWavesarethesea’swhitedaughters,Andraindropsthechildrenofrain,ButwhyformyshimmeringbodyHaveIamotherlikePain?

Nightisthemotherofstars,Andwindthemotheroffoam——

Theworldisbrimmingwithbeauty,ButImuststayathome。

TheBrokenFieldMysoulisadarkploughedfieldInthecoldrain;

MysoulisabrokenfieldPloughedbypain。

WheregrassandbendingflowersWeregrowing,ThefieldliesbrokennowForanothersowing。

GreatSowerwhenyoutreadMyfieldagain,ScatterthefurrowsthereWithbettergrain。

TheUnseenDeathwentupthehallUnseenbyeveryone,TrailingtwilightrobesPastthenurseandthenun。

HepausedateverydoorAndlistenedtothebreathOfthosewhodidnotknowHowneartheyweretoDeath。

DeathwentupthehallUnseenbynurseandnun;

Hepassedbymanyadoor——

Butheenteredone。

APrayerWhenIamdying,letmeknowThatIlovedtheblowingsnowAlthoughitstunglikewhips;

ThatIlovedalllovelythingsAndItriedtotaketheirstingsWithgayunembitteredlips;

ThatIlovedwithallmystrength,Tomysoul’sfulldepthandlength,Carelessifmyheartmustbreak,ThatIsangaschildrensingFittingtunestoeverything,Lovinglifeforitsownsake。

V

SpringTorrentsWillitalwaysbelikethisuntilIamdead,EveryspringmustIbearitallagainWiththefirstredhazeofthebuddingmapleboughs,Andthefirstsweet—smellingrain?

OhIamlikearockintherisingriverWherethefloodedwaterbreakswithalowcall——

LikearockthatknowsthecryofthewatersAndcannotansweratall。

"IKnowtheStars"

Iknowthestarsbytheirnames,Aldebaran,Altair,AndIknowthepaththeytakeUpheaven’sbroadbluestair。

IknowthesecretsofmenBythelookoftheireyes,Theirgraythoughts,theirstrangethoughtsHavemademesadandwise。

ButyoureyesaredarktomeThoughtheyseemtocallandcall——

IcannottellifyoulovemeOrdonotlovemeatall。

Iknowmanythings,Buttheyearscomeandgo,IshalldienotknowingThethingIlongtoknow。

UnderstandingIunderstoodtheresttoowell,AndalltheirthoughtshavecometobeClearasgreysea—weedintheswellOfasunnyshallowsea。

ButyouIneverunderstood,Yourspirit’ssecrethideslikegoldSunkinaSpanishgalleonAgesagoinwaterscold。

NightfallWewillneverwalkagainAsweusedtowalkatnight,WatchingourshadowslengthenUnderthegoldstreet—lightWhenthesnowwasnewandwhite。

WewillneverwalkagainSlowly,wetwo,InspringwhentheparkissweetWithmidnightandwithdew,Andthepassers—byarefew。

Isitandthinkofitall,AndtheblueJunetwilightdies,——

DownintheclangingsquareAstreet—pianocriesAndstarscomeoutintheskies。

"ItIsNotaWord"

Itisnotawordspoken,Fewwordsaresaid;

NorevenalookoftheeyesNorabendofthehead,ButonlyahushoftheheartThathastoomuchtokeep,OnlymemorieswakingThatsleepsolightasleep。

"MyHeartIsHeavy"

MyheartisheavywithmanyasongLikeripefruitbearingdownthetree,ButIcannevergiveyouone——

Mysongsdonotbelongtome。

Yetintheevening,intheduskWhenmothsgotoandfro,Inthegrayhourifthefruithasfallen,Takeit,noonewillknow。

TheNightsRememberThedaysrememberandthenightsrememberThekinglyhoursthatonceyoumadesogreat,Deepinmyhearttheylie,hiddenintheirsplendor,Buriedlikesovereignsintheirrobesofstate。

Letthemnotwakeagain,bettertoliethere,Wrappedinmemories,jewelledandarrayed——

Manyaghostlykinghaswakedfromdeath—sleepAndfoundhiscrownstolenandhisthronedecayed。

"LetItBeForgotten"

Letitbeforgotten,asaflowerisforgotten,Forgottenasafirethatoncewassinginggold,Letitbeforgottenforeverandever,Timeisakindfriend,hewillmakeusold。

Ifanyoneasks,sayitwasforgottenLongandlongago,Asaflower,asafire,asahushedfootfallInalongforgottensnow。

TheDarkCupVI

MayDayAdelicatefabricofbirdsongFloatsintheair,ThesmellofwetwildearthIseverywhere。

RedsmallleavesofthemapleAreclenchedlikeahand,LikegirlsattheirfirstcommunionThepeartreesstand。

OhImustpassnothingbyWithoutlovingitmuch,Theraindroptrywithmylips,Thegrasswithmytouch;

ForhowcanIbesureIshallseeagainTheworldonthefirstofMayShiningaftertherain?

"SinceThereIsNoEscape"

Sincethereisnoescape,sinceattheendMybodywillbeutterlydestroyed,ThishandIloveasIhavelovedafriend,ThisbodyItended,weptwithandenjoyed;

SincethereisnoescapeevenformeWholovelifewithalovetoosharptobear:

Thescentoforchardsintherain,theseaAndhoursalonetoostillandsureforprayer——

Sincedarknesswaitsforme,thenallthemoreLetmegodownaswavessweeptotheshoreInpride;andletmesingwithmylastbreath;

InthesefewhoursoflightIliftmyhead;

Lifeismylover——IshallleavethedeadIfthereisanywaytobaffledeath。

"TheDreamsofMyHeart"

Thedreamsofmyheartandmymindpass,Nothingstayswithmelong,ButIhavehadfromachildThedeepsolaceofsong;

Ifthatshouldeverleaveme,LetmefinddeathandstayWiththingswhosetunesareplayedoutandforgottenLiketherainofyesterday。

"ALittleWhile"

AlittlewhilewhenIamgoneMylifewillliveinmusicafterme,AsspunfoamliftedandborneonAfterthewaveislostinthefullsea。

AwhilethesenightsanddayswillburnInsongwiththebrightfrailtyoffoam,LivinginlightbeforetheyturnBacktothenothingnessthatistheirhome。

TheGardenMyheartisagardentiredwithautumn,Heapedwithbendingastersanddahliasheavyanddark,Inthehazysunshine,thegardenremembersApril,Thedrenchofrainsandasnow—dropquickandclearasaspark;

Daffodilsblowinginthecoldwindofmorning,Andgoldentulips,gobletsholdingtherain——

Thegardenwillbehushedwithsnow,forgottensoon,forgotten——

Afterthestillness,willspringcomeagain?

TheWineIcannotdie,whodrankdelightFromthecupofthecrescentmoon,Andhungrilyasmeneatbread,LovedthescentednightsofJune。

Therestmaydie——butistherenotSomeshiningstrangeescapeformeWhosoughtinBeautythebrightwineOfimmortality?

InaCubanGardenHibiscusflowersarecupsoffire,(Loveme,mylover,lifewillnotstay)

Thebrightpoinsettiashakesinthewind,Ascarletleafisblowingaway。

Alizardliftshisheadandlistens——

Kissmebeforethenoongoesby,HereintheshadeoftheceibahidemeFromthegreatblackvulturecirclingthesky。

"IfIMustGo"

IfImustgotoheaven’sendClimbingtheageslikeastair,BenearmeandforeverbendWiththesameeyesabovemethere;

Timewillflypastuslikeleavesflying,Weshallnotheed,forweshallbeBeyondliving,beyonddying,Knowingandknownunchangeably。

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